Day 1 - Mungojerrie admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Rum Tum Tugger. He says he looks like a teletubby. As it turns out, Jo Wade is in fact the only teletubby fan in the house, although Courfeyrac later admits that he is a member of the 'tinky winky for president' club.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Pouncival creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Shaz Norris hits him with a bike. Pouncival cries.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Big Ben out of beans. After much persuasion by Pouncival, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the Big Ben task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Courfeyrac, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat git in the house, eats half the beans. Shaz Norris is furious. So much so that she moves out to live in the chicken pen, claiming they're more loving and understanding, and they're not teletubby fans.
5 - Today is the day when the Big Ben task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Courfeyrac farts and blows Big Ben over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Pouncival cries.
6 - Pouncival gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens, which later turns out to be Shaz Norris who is rapidly becoming fond of her new friends chicken type ways. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Rum Tum Tugger admits that he likes to be spanked on the arse with a bike. Jo Wade goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they've all got hairy backs. Courfeyrac sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Pouncival.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Mungojerrie goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Shaz Norris and Rum Tum Tugger are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Mungojerrie.
9 - Shaz Norris and Rum Tum Tugger are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Jo Wade sings them a song - Memory - to make them feel better. Shaz Norris turns to her chickens for comfort
10 - The public vote Rum Tum Tugger out of the house. He pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that he should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Rum Tum Tugger leaves, taking a chicken with him as a reminder of Shaz Norris.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Rum Tum Tugger's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Jo Wade has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Shaz Norris is visibly depressed and is comforted by Pouncival, who tries to touch her on her bum. Pouncival cries when Shaz Norris playfully gives him a chinese burn
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Pouncival touching Shaz Norris's bum over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Courfeyrac refuses to run because his willy hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Courfeyrac finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Shaz Norris calls Courfeyrac a lazy fecker. Courfeyrac cries (again)
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Mungojerrie tells everyone individually that he thinks Shaz Norris is a very nasty person who he thinks is incredibly unattractive, sleeps around, and has been having intimate relationships with the chickens, who seem to have rapidly depleated in numbers for no apparent reason. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Shaz Norris and Pouncival are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Mungojerrie.
16 - The nominations are announced. Shaz Norris can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Pouncival is equally stunned and turns to Shaz Norris for comfort. Courfeyrac is distraught and confesses to Jo Wade that he thinks he is in love with Pouncival. Jo Wade says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they've all got 10 inch toenails
17 - The public vote Pouncival out of the house. Shaz Norris says she is gutted and even gives Pouncival a clipping of hair from her bum to prove how much she cares. Courfeyrac is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Pouncival leaves. Not surprisingly Courfeyrac cries.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Shaz Norris clipping the hair from her bum. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Bangladesh in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Bangladesh sounds like but Courfeyrac says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Mungojerrie as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Mungojerrie successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Bangladesh but also God Save The Queen, Memory and the theme tune to the tweenies. Courfeyrac beats Mungojerrie with a spatula for being a cocky git. Mungojerrie is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him. He also begins to consider taking up burping as a career move.
22 - Nominations are due and Mungojerrie tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Courfeyrac and Jo Wade are nominated.
23 - Courfeyrac and Jo Wade take their nominations well and sit down with Mungojerrie and Shaz Norris to discuss why they voted for them. Mungojerrie keeps quiet but Shaz Norris accuses Courfeyrac of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred willy before bursting into tears. Courfeyrac cries too, before admitting that he is infact a woman.
24 - The public seem to like the fact that Courfeyrac has finally admitted he is a woman, and vote Jo Wade out of the house. Nobody really gives a damn. Jo Wade leaves.
25 - Mungojerrie becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Mungojerrie's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of giraffe dung using only a bike. Mungojerrie is unsure but Courfeyrac is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Courfeyrac breaks down in tears (again) and announces that he/she is leaving. He/she claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the giraffe incident from his/her childhood. Shaz Norris tries to persuade him/her to stay but Mungojerrie sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Courfeyrac decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the giraffe dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Shaz Norris from a couple of mouldy carrots and the last remaining chicken she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Mungojerrie asks Shaz Norris to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Mungojerrie nominates Shaz Norris to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Shaz Norris.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Shaz Norris graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Mungojerrie is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to f*** him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Mungojerrie takes his £70,000 and runs away to Bangladesh. Nobody, including Shaz Norris, ever sees him again.
*Mix of big brother theme tune and cats overture to fade...*
