Tha Birds, an' Tha Bees, an' All That Othah Good Shit
Month One: Tha Joys of Mornin Sickness

"Maybe a little dry toast would help?"

I sat up, coverin my mouth. When I was pretty sure ( couldn't be one hundred percent sure these days) that I wasn't gonna spew I said, "Cupe, I love ya, but get that away from me before I paste ya."

He looked kinda hurt. Well, yeah, it's rough when yer spouse of less than a month threatens ta smash ya, 'specially when yer just tryin ta be considerate. I gave him a hug. "Sorry, babe. I'm kinda touchy right now. A week of upchuckin a coupla times an hour will do that to ya." I pointed at tha slice of toast he was holdin. "But seriously, lose that if ya don't wanna hafta clean tha sheets for a very unsexy reason."

Tha toast disappeahed, replaced by a cloth. "Lie back down." Hey, that's an ordah I'll nevah disobey, comin from Cupe. I stretched back out an' closed my eyes as he folded tha cloth. He wiped my face gently, then laid tha cloth across my forehead. It was cool an' damp, an' it helped. Tha queasiness started ta recede, an' I sighed. "Better, babe?" he murmured.

"Yah, thanks, Cupe."

"Are you going to see Asclepius, or do I drag your sexy butt over there?"

I thought about sayin that it was my sexy butt that had gotten me inta this situation, but I didn't. Yeah, that's right--tha King of Smart Ass passed up tha chance ta make a snark. Love will do that to ya. Cupid was a little worried about how I was takin this pregnancy, an' I didn't want him ta evah think I had any doubt about wantin ta have his kid. I wanted this baby with everythin I had--I just wasn't too crazy about tha side effects.

"Yeah, okay," I said. He gave me a suspicious look. I don't do meek too good unless I'm undah threat of immediate violence. I added, "Ya dope." He looked relieved.

"Daddy!!"

Hey, we love tha sound of that voice, but we still flinched. Bliss shot through tha door like a little gold arrow, headed straight toward us. He was wearin nothin but a little sleepwrap around his middle (somehow Cupe had convinced him ta give up streakin--mosta tha time). He was all chubby an' pink, with yella curls an' snowy little wings. I think Bliss is how some of tha mortals got ta picturin Cupe like that. *snort* Different sorta baby, lemme tell ya.

Bliss skidded up nexta tha bed an' started bouncin up an' down, his wings vibratin with eagerness. "Can I?"

Cupe looked at me. I nodded, then scooted ovah an patted tha mattress. "C'mon, ya monstah." While he was clamberin up ovah Cupid, I thought on a pair of pants. Bliss settled between us. He looked at me questioninly, his hand movin toward my middle. "G'head, kiddo." He gave me a sweet smile, then slid down, threw one plump arm across me, an' settled his smooth baby cheek against my belly. He closed his eyes, an' got that 'listenin' look.

Cupe an' I exchanged looks ovah him. Bliss was wunna tha reasons I'd gone ahead an' taken tha final step with Cupid. I nevah had a dad, ya know, an' I hadn't seen too many examples of parent/kid closeness, eithah. But seein Cupid with Bliss... I wanted that. Now I was 'Daddy Stwife', an' it was possibly tha coolest thing in tha world. But I was about ta get tha parentin experience on a whole new level.

I stroked Bliss's curls. "So, how's tha lump doin?"

"Fine." Bliss sat up an' petted my tummy, then held up his thumb. "Lump is this big now."

"Yah? Lump tell ya yet whethah he's a boy or a girl?"

Bliss shook his head. "I don't think Lump knows what boy or girl means." He giggled. "Silly ol' Lump! Should I tell him?"

"Zeus, no, kid! Don't start educatin Lump already."

Cupid picked up Bliss an' set him on tha floor. Pattin his bottom, he said, "Go get some breakfast, hon." Bliss trotted ovah ta tha table. While he was climbin up, Cupid set it with fruit, bread, an' milk. I quickly added a pot of honey an' a small spice cake. When Cupid frowned, I removed tha cake. "All right, but he gets one for a snack latah, huh?"

He pulled me ovah ta snuggle undah his arm. "This baby is going to be spoiled rotten."

"Duh? I'm tha God of Mischief--why would I not  want a spoiled child?"

We just laid there for a few minutes, watchin Bliss stuff his face an' just enjoyin bein tagethah. I still wasn't used ta this--feelin peaceful. It was nice.

I was thinkin about visitin Joxer. His an' Ares's baby was a coupla weeks old now, an' Unc had announced that visitors were now welcome. In fact, they were encouraged. Joxer was a social sort, an' Unc wanted ta be sure he didn't start ta feel isolated, stayin home with a new baby.

"Daddy Stwife?" I opened my eyes ta find Bliss standin by my side of tha bed. He offahed me a cup. "You want some milk? It's good for Lump."

Tha smell hit me, an' my nose twitched--goat's milk--warm. My stomach twitched. My mouth got wet, but it wasn't tha 'wow, that smells good', or tha 'damn, ya look sexy' sorta waterin. I said, "Maybe latah. Run get dressed an' I'll take ya ta see Joxer an' lil' Accord, huh?"

Bliss squealed happily an' raced out, slappin tha cup of milk on tha table as he passed. I managed ta hold off erpin till he was outta tha room, but just barely. When I was done, Cupe wiped my face again. I held out my hand. "Gimme tha fuckin toast. I'm ready ta try anythin."

Cupid took us ovah ta Ares's temple--Bliss sittin in tha crook of his left arm an' me wrapped in his right. That was one thing about bein preggers I wasn't too keen on. I mean, I had just gotten ta where I could transport without gettin all whoopsie, an' here it was again.

Ares came inta tha front room as soon as we appeared. He was already smilin, but it really stretched when he saw us. Unc ain't nevah gonna be wunna those sunshine an' rainbows sorta people, but he started smilin a lot more when he took up with Joxer, an' tha sight of Bliss nevah fails ta put a smile on his face--wunna tha good ones. 'Res can smile an' make a cadre of Spartans rust their crotch guards.

Bliss started squirmin, crowin, "Gran'pa 'Res!"

"Put him down before you drop him, son." Cupid did. Bliss pelted ovah an' started ta swarm up tha God of War. Ares plucked him up an' swung him onta his shoulders. We followed Bliss ovah, an' Ares patted his son on tha shouldah, nodding at me. "Strife. You're looking a bit green."

"Thanks, Unc."

He shrugged. "I got used to it with Joxer. You remember how he was."

"How is he?" It was pretty much a form question. If anythin had been really wrong with tha consort of tha God of War, all of tha civilized world and mosta tha universe woulda known about it.

"He's good."

"An' tha baby?"

Tha smile got broadah, but softah. "Perfect." Ares tickled Bliss. "But he'd like to see his nephew. Want to see Accord, Bliss?" Bliss nodded vigorously. "Come on, then." We all followed him back inta tha temple ta Ares an' Joxer's livin quartahs.

Joxer was sittin on tha rumpled bed. He was wearin loose linen trousers an' a sorta floppy tunic insteada tha tight leathah breeches Unc likes ta see him in. He had a small bundle cradled in his arms, an' was whisperin ta it. His expression was gentler an sweeter than I had evah seen it before. When we entered he looked up, an' his face lighted with pleasure. "Hey."

"Hey, Mighty One." We went ovah. Cupe an' I each gave him a hug, then peeked at tha baby. Accord had lotsa fluffy black hair ovah a slightly squashed, reddish face. He was awake, starin up at us. His eyes were just turnin from that murky blue all new babys have. It looked like they were gonna be warm brown, like Joxer's.

Ares let Bliss down off his shouldahs, an' tha little boy reached slowly toward tha baby, watchin Joxer. Joxer just smiled, makin no protest an' givin no cautions. Bliss let his palm barely touch tha fuzzy hair. He stroked, rufflin it, then he bent down an' pressed a grave, careful kiss on tha baby's forehead. Accord blinked. He wrinkled his forehead, pursed his tiny rosebud mouth, an' made a questionin, cooin sound, then sneezed. Bliss laughed.

Joxer looked at Ares, who nodded. "Bliss, would you like to hold the baby?"

Bliss's face glowed with eagahness. This time he didn't bounce--he danced. "CanIcanIcanI?"

"Strife, would you come sit here and help Bliss and me? Bliss, climb up and sit very close." Bliss did, an' I sat on his othah side, up close. "Hold out your arms." Joxer carefully laid Accord in Bliss's arms, across his lap.

I cupped one hand undah tha baby's downy head an' rested tha othah hand on tha kid's knee. That way I could stop tha baby if he started ta roll. Joxer did tha same on tha othah side.

We hadn't really needed ta bothah--Bliss did a champion job. He held Accord securely, not tryin ta shift him around, an' talked ta him. He told him about tha garden, an' tha butterflies, an' Mjau, an' how they could have sleep-ovahs when he got biggah. Accord yawned, then drifted off ta sleep.

Cupid an' Ares had been talkin quietly. Now Ares said, "Look at that, Bliss--you got him to sleep. I have a hard time doing that. Let's put him to bed." Ares picked up Accord an' settled him in tha cradle beside tha bed.

"C'mon, son," Cupid said. "I'll take you to see your mom for a little while." As Bliss went to him, Cupid said, "Hon, how about staying over and visiting for a little while?"

One less transport? Fine by me. "Sure." Ares gave Joxer a kiss. "Will you be all right if I go out for a few hours?"

"Of course. You'll have to leave us alone at some point, you know." Ares made a noise that might've meant 'oh, yeah?" then kissed Joxer again. He, Cupid, an' Bliss flashed out.

I was still sittin on tha bed by Joxer. We looked at each othah. I said, "So... now what? We swap recipes?"

Joxer laughed. "If you insist, I have an oyster stew that makes Ares hornier than a Cretin bull."

I snickered. "Why do I get tha feelin that you could get tha same reaction outta him with stewed prunes?"

Joxer wiggled his eyebrows. "It depends on how you use them." That brought up a coupla mental images that had me rollin on tha mattress, laughin. While I was wipin tears off my cheeks Joxer said, "Well? Over your snark attack?"

I sat up. "Yah. Thanks, man. I needed that." I had anothah giggle fit. "Prunes."

"Nice, squishy ones." His smile grew more serious. "How are you?"

I settled down. "Sick, mostly."

He nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean. There were times I was pretty sure I could tell you exactly what my stomach lining looked like."

I groaned. "Fuck. Ya mean this is normal?"

Joxer looked thoughtful. "Well, as normal as it's possible for something like this to be, I suppose."

I rubbed my face. "I tell ya, Joxer, it ain't even been a month, an' I'm ready ta tear my hair out."

He eyed my 'do. "Looks like you've been trying."

I pointed at him. "Do not disrespect tha hair, smart ass." He grinned. "Cripes, how often does Unc spank you, anyway? My point is, I'm barely preggers..."

Joxer held up his hand. "Uh, news flash? No such thing, son-in-law. You are, or you aren't."

"I wanna argue about semantics, I'll go get Xena's blonde bard-bimbo. Tha point is, if it gets worse, why haven't tha chicks kicked our collective asses a long time ago? I mean, about tha tenth time I threw up, I started ta think that maybe tha Amazons weren't all that unreasonable."

Joxer scratched his head an' said slowly, "This isn't official, or researched, or anything, but I could tell you what I think, if you're interested."

"Yer tha only othah guy, ta tha best of my knowledge, who's evah been knocked up. Well, unless ya count that whole Athena springin from Zeus's head fully grown bit--an' I don't. I'da liked ta see him deal with a nine month headache, but I digress. Yah, I wanna hear what ya think." He blinked. "That means go ahead."

"Okay. I think that male pregnancies are like female pregnancies, but not exactly. They're kinda more... intense." I lifted an eyebrow at him. "Think about it. Most of the discomfort women experience during pregnancy is because of the changes their bodies are going through, and how they adjust. There's a new life inside them, and the body doesn't understand this, and is basically freaking out."

I nodded. "Sounds logical."

He sat forward. "Okay, stay with me. A guy gets pregnant. Now, if a woman's body, which is specifically designed for childbearing, freaks out... what type of response is a male body going to have to the same situation?"

I stared at him, my mouth hangin open. "So, what yer tellin me is that I'm in for nine months of my body havin anxiety attacks?" He nodded. I looked down at myself. "Shit. Aftah all tha crap we've been through tagethah, you're gonna let a baby spaz ya out?"

I looked at Joxer again, settin my jaw. "All right, this is silly. I've managed ta ovahcome a shitload of problems in my life, an' I'm not gonna let a little thing like havin a bun in tha oven control me. I'm gonna take charge of this pregnancy."

I really, really didn't like tha way he smiled at that.