Tha Birds, an' Tha Bees, an' All That Othah Good Shit
Month Four: Call Me 'Shamu' An' Die

I woke up with Cupid's hand wrapped around my hard dick. This is just about tha best way of wakin up I can imagine. Um, unless ya wanna change 'hand' ta 'lips'--that's good, too. Unfortunately, I wasn't in any condition ta savor tha moment. "Lemme go, Cupe."

He batted his eyelashes at me. Lemme tell ya, when it comes ta stirrin breezes, they're almost as effective as his wings. "Don't you love me anymore?"

I grabbed his hair an' pulled him down for a nice, juicy kiss. It was meant as an apology, but I guess I shoulda sent roses, cause he took it as encouragement an' squeezed. Like I said before, any othah time... "Cupe, I'm serious. Lemme go."

"Since when do you turn down a hand-job?"

"Since Lump gave me tha bladder control of a hyperactive puppy that just spotted Timmy comin home from school. Lemme up before I embarass myself. Just so's we're clear, I ain't been embarrassed by my sexual functions for awhile, but wettin tha bed..."

He let go. I got up an' materialized a chamber pot, an'... Huh? Yeah, I take whizzes in front of him. Gah, we're married. You lock tha bathroom door all tha time on your old man? Ya do? Prude.

Anyway, I *ahem* unburdened myself for, like, oh, I dunno... Ten? Twelve minutes. Seemed like that, anyway. When I was done I sniffed, an' wrinkled my nose. "All right, Cupe, I'm eatin tha damn vegetables, but no more fuckin asparagus, 'kay?"

"Fine. We'll concentrate on the spinach."

I sighed, flashin tha pot away. "Why do I do this ta myself?"

He reached out an' snagged me by my softenin prick. "So you can be healthy and we can do this a lot." He started strokin.

I moaned. "Ya know, if ya had used this argument from tha start, ya nevah woulda found mustard greens undah tha sofa cushions."

"Only you would hide them rather than just dematerializing them."

"Gotta set a good... bad? Anyway, I gotta set an example for Bliss. Oo, that's nice."

He was sittin on tha edge of tha bed. Now he took hold of my hips an' pulled me closah. He stroked me between his palms, an' blew a warm stream of air ovah my flushed cockhead. "I'm a very nice person--just ask anyone."

I slid my hands inta his hair as he opened his mouth an' took me inside. This is how considerate tha man is--I don't even hafta beg for sex. Don't try an' tell me that doesn't happen in othah marriages. An' he's just as horny as I am, Zeus bless 'im. Wake-up sex, aftahnoon delight, aftah-dinnah sex, of course your expected before-sleep sex, midnight snacks *giggle*... What else? There's special occasion sex. You shoulda seen tha screwin he gave me for our one week anniversery. Wait a minute... Did ya see that? You people are around so much sometimes I forget... Nevah mind. It ain't like I'm not an exhibitionist, right? Then there's maybe my favorite--just because sex. I still haven't had 'I'm sorry sex' or 'make up' sex, but I s'pose we will eventually. Aftah all, no couple has tha perfect relationship, shit happens, an' gods stay married a long fuckin time.

This, howevah, was fast sex time. It was mornin, an' we still hadn't figured out a good way ta keep Bliss in his room until all, um, activities were safely outta tha way. Tha thing about Cupe is he can make it last, or he can make it happen--when he gets goin I don't have a snowballs chance in Heph's forge of makin tha decisions. When he reached up an' tickled me behind tha balls, then slid a fingah inta my crease an tickled me tha othah sensitive place, I gave 'im an organic throat wash. This time I made a sound like Mjau did tha last time Bliss accidentally tromped on his tail.

Cupe swallowed an' said anxiously, "I didn't bite, did I, babe?"

I kissed him. "I won't know till my brain comes back, but I don't think so. 'Scuse me." I materialized a pot an' took anothah whizz. He blinked. "Don't look at me like that. It ain't intended as an insult."

"I know, but damn, babe. How much juice did you drink last night?"

"Not all that much. Just enough ta wash down tha watermelon."

"Uh huh. How much watermelon?"

I fidgeted. "Just one, an' don't look at me like that, eitha. It's got zero fat an' salt, an' not all that many calories, cause it's almost all watah, an'..." I slowed down. "Oh."

He kissed me. "Don't worry about it. You didn't wet the sheet." He snickered. "Well, not that way, anyway."

"Yer a dirty old man, an' I love ya for it."

"What do you have planned for today?"

"Not much. Actually, I'm ahead. I managed ta get tha estrus cycle of every mare in Ceasar's army ta sync so that they was in heat on tha day he reviewed his troops--mounted on his stallion." I laughed. "Tha jerk almost got a broken leg cause he was too stubborn ta give in up an' dismount when his ride decided ta do some mountin of his own. Aftah a coup like that I deserva a coupla days off. I figured me an' Bliss would just bum around, maybe have a picnic somewhere. Posiedon's mermaids have been beggin ta see him an' teach him ta swim, so I thought a trip ta tha beach."

Cupid frowned. "I'm not sure I want him trying to learn to swim. It's pretty dangerous."

"More dangerous than not knowin how ta swim? Stay away from Plato with that kinda talk, cuz. It ain't very logical."

"Well, he's a god--it's not like he's going to drown."

"Haven't ya evah heard about not temptin tha Fates? Those broads can be kinda capricious." I looked up quickly, an said, very loudly, "Not that that's a bad thing." We both waited. Nothin melted or exploded. I didn't grow anythin unsightly. I heaved a sigh of relief.

"Anyways, since he can't drown, why worry? He ain't gonna be let out far enough for anythin nasty ta get at him, an' if any of 'em did... Can ya imagine them doin anythin against wunna ol' Seaweeds kin without bein expressly directed ta do it?"

"You're right--they'd end up either poached, en brochette, or deep fried."

"Quit talkin dirty ta me, or I'll nevah get out of tha bedroom."

He grabbed me around tha waist an' rested his chin on my tummy. "Fate worse than death." He turned his head so that his ear was just ovah my belly button.

Bliss came in, rubbin his eyes an' yawnin. I've always been good at dressin quick--came in handy, considerin some of tha beds I spent time in, know what I mean? I had on a loose pair of linen pants by tha time he got tha sleep outta his eyes. "Mornin, Daddy. Mornin, Daddy Stwife. Daddy, you listenin to Lump?"

"Not exactly, babydoll. I can't hear Lump like you can. No, I'm just hugging Strife."

"Oh." He nodded, wandered ovah, an' hugged my leg. "That's a good idea."

"Look at me--drippin with l-o-v-e. It's just revoltin." I picked up Bliss an' gave him a kiss. "You up for a day at tha beach, kiddo?"

Bliss squealed an' threw his arms around my neck. "Can Joxie an' Accord an' Gran'pa Ares come, too?"

"We can ask, sugar, but they both been gettin back inta their jobs, an' I think Mom is gonna be watchin Accord."

Cupid sat back real fast. "Let me get this straight--they're leaving an infant with Dischord?"

"She's tryin ta get used ta tha idea of havin an infant around."

"Oh, yeah. She... uh... she didn't take finding out you were making her a grandmother very well."

I shrugged. "Ya think? I thought she handled it pretty well. I mean, grass may even grow on that hillside she blasted--in anotha coupla centuries."

"Lemme down. Lemme listen." I slid Bliss down, an' he pressed his ear ta my tummy.

"How's Lump?"

"Getting big."

"How big?"

"Ummm..." He held up his hands about eight, ten inches apart. "Bout this big."

"An' is Lump a girl or a boy?"

"Well..." he sounded doubtful. "Lump gots hair now, but it's short. Does that make it a boy or a girl?"

I sighed. "This age? Hard ta tell."

"I can't tell. Lump gots no clothes on."

Yah, I know. I coulda told 'im ta look between Lump's legs, but that woulda been rude, an... Quit laughin! This is my kid I'm talkin about here, 'kay?

I'll tell ya one thing--what happened next sure the fuck didn't make me feel like laughin. I moved Bliss off me. "Okay, lemme get dressed, squirt." I thought on a nice, lightweight suit of leathah, an' suddenly found that I was almost holdin my breath. Bliss rubbed my belly, smilin. "Yous got a belly now, Stwife."

I looked down. I shoulda been able ta see straight down ta my toes, unless I had a hard-on. I couldn't. There was a gentle swell, coated by tight black leathah, obscurrin my view. I stared at it, then I looked up at Cupe. My bottom lip started quiverin.

Cupid quickly said, "Bliss, I need you to help get ready for the picnic. I've decided I'm going to come, too. You have a very important job. Go out to the garden and choose the very, very best fruit, okay? You can shake the trees or throw rocks if you need to, but don't climb."

"Kay." He patted my belly again. "Lump, I'll get you some cherries, huh?" He trotted out.

I managed ta wait till he got out of earshot before I started bawlin. Cupid stood up an' reached for me. I stepped back, wailin, "Quit it! Ya can't get yer arms around me--I'm too fat."

"Strife," he tried ta rub my tummy. "It's just the baby."

"Yah?" I slapped my legs. "I ain't carryin Lump on my thighs, am I?" I slapped my butt. "No baby there, eithah." I turned around. "Look! Look how tight that is."

"Oo, yeah!" he crooned, caressin my ass.

I shivered. "Ya know what I mean, Cupe. That's tha same size I always wear, an' it's tightah than it evah was. I look like ten pounds of shit in a five pound sack."

Cupid grabbed my arms an' shook me gently. "Stop it! Zeus, Strife, haven't I conviced you yet?"

"Convinced me of what?"

"Of how beautiful you are."

"Yeah, but ya love me--ya gotta say that."

He sighed. "I don't lie about things like this. When Mom tried that pink hair rinse I told her it made her look like a demented, hung-over primrose nymph, didn't I?"

"Ya weren't sleepin with her." I paused. "Ya weren't, were...?" I stopped. He looked at me. "We don't need ta go there right now. My emotions are scrambled enough right now."

"Good, you realize that. It is mostly the hormones, Strife. Baby, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Now that you're over the morning sickness, pregnancy really suits you. You look wonderful. You..."

"If ya say I glow I'll pluck wunna yer feathahs."

"How about smolder? I didn't think it was possible for you to get any sexier, but you managed it."

I started ta smile. "Smolder is good. I can live with that."

Bliss staggahed back inta tha room. He had gathahed his little tunic up in front an' filled it with fruit. He looked like he had a ball tucked in tha pouch, but it was gettin smallah, 'cause he was leavin a trail of grapes an' cherries as he came. "Daddy!" he called. "Hurry! I'se losin it, I'se losin it!"

"I know just how ya feel, brat." I swooped ovah an' made a basket. I held it, an' he dumped tha rest of tha fruit in it with a relieved sigh. "I feel like I been losin it for tha last coupla months."

We all gathahed up tha fallen fruit, then Cupe whipped up tha rest of tha lunch. I took tha opportunity ta think myself inta anothah outfit. Sensible cotton this time--an' a size largah. *sigh*

Bliss wanted ta see if Mjau could come, an' I had ta explain ta him about cats, an' sand, an' tha fact that we were all gonna be goin barefooted. Aftah explainin cat potty habits ta him, guess what? That's right. I had ta fill anothah pot. I gotta check an' see if pregnancy has a shrinkin effect on tha bladdah. It don't seem like havin somethin as tiny as Lump is now sittin on it should squash it that bad.

We all flashed ovah ta tha beach. A few of tha merfolk were waitin in tha shallows. When we showed up they started smackin tha water with their tails, waving at Bliss, offerin rides, invitin him ta search for seashells, askin if he wanted any oysters, or maybe some treasure from a sunken ship. Merbabies are few an' far between, an Posiedon's people love little 'uns of all kinds, an' let's face it--Bliss is fuckin adorable. No, I am not prejudice.

We all skinny dipped, an' it was a hoot. Tha legs an' tha wings may mark Bliss as eitha a land or an air dwellah, but tha little poot was as at home in tha watah as any seal I ever seen.

I didn't get ta play long, though, an' only part of it was tha preggers part. Cupe encouraged me, actually, cause exercise is good for me. But aftah a few minutes he put a tent up on tha sand an' herded me inta it. Tartarus, ya know what my complexion is like, right? I make cheese look dingey. Cupe was right--more 'n about ten minutes of that bright sun an' I woulda looked like wunna those newfangled 'love apples'. If I evah wanted a tan like Cupe or, say, Apollo, I'd hafta go out ten minutes one day, ten an' two seconds tha next, ten an' five seconds tha next... Ya get tha idea. 'Pollo's nags would give out before I got many shades darker.

Finally it was time for lunch, an' my two guys came ta tha tent. We sat an started divyin up tha chow. I was munchin on a celery stick, tellin Cupe about this great idea I had. People love ta eat bread an' sausages tagetha, right? Well, I was gonna plant tha suggestion in tha minds of tha merchants that a terrific way ta make money would be ta only sell sausages in bunches of ten, but only sell rolls in bunches of eight! I figured it would drive a significant numbah of people crazy eventually.

Bliss was eatin some salt-watah taffy that wunna tha mermaids had given him. He piped up, "Stwife, I don't know if Lump is a boy or a girl, but you know what?"

"What, kiddo?"

"Lump can hear you."

I laughed. "Sure."

Bliss nodded. "Lump hears you breath, and hears your heat going bump, but he hears what you say, too." Bliss frowned. "I don't know if she knows what you mean, but she hears. You oughta talk to him. You can tell both of us a story if you want to."

"Both of ya, huh? Sure, why not. Okay, once there was this barbarian an' this tavern wench..."

"Strife! What kind of story...?"

"An they both had fuzzy tails, like bunnies." Cupid shook his head as Bliss giggled, an' I stuck my tongue out at him. "An they did some of tha things bunnies do." Cupid looked worried again.

"Like what?" asked Bliss.

"They jumped, an' they twitched their ears." Cupe looked relieved again. "Course I can't tell ya what they jumped, cause you're too young."

"Strife!"

"Chill, Dads. Okay, they jumped ditches, they leaped frogs, an' one day they jumped bail, an' took it on tha lam."

Bliss frowned. "What's...?"

"Bail is a bucket. You know--ya use 'em ta bale? An tha lamb belonged ta this broad named Mary, but she let it go wanderin all ovah tha place, so it was goin ta a bettah home."

Bliss liked tha story, but his Daddy was about ready ta chew his nails by tha time I finished it. Bliss snuggled down on a blanket for a nap, an' I reached for tha last sandwich. "What did ya think I was gonna say, Feathahs? Bliss said Lump can hear me, right?" I took a bite.

*grit* "What tha...? Oh, I can't freakin' believethis! Sand in tha last sandwich! This is just so fu..." I caught myself. "I could just shi..." I caught myself again, frustrated. "Son of a b..." Bliss slitted one eye sleepily. "Bull is a calf. Son of a deer is a buck. Son of a sheep is a ram." He closed his eyes. I was about ta hypahventilate. Tha fact that Cupid was about ta choke with laughtah didn't help any.

"Babe, go on. You can't just cut it off all at once--you'll explode." I closed my eyes an took a deep breath. I laid my palms against eithah side of my barely mounded tummy. "Babe? What are you doing?"

My teeth were gritted. "I'm coverin my baby's ears." Then I cussed a blue streak.