1. If my litterbox is not kept fresh, your shoes are a perfectly acceptable alternative.
2. Why do I get on the kitchen counters? That's where you leave the food--and I CAN.
3. I fart just as much as the dog does--I'm just better at covering it.
4. Yes, there's a reason why you keep waking up with my butt in your face--you shouldn't have complained about my breath.
5. And speaking of the breath--what the hell do you expect when you feed me catfood that's mainly fish byproducts?
6. If I am unaltered, and a female cat comes into heat within five miles, I WILL be having sex. Lots of it. Loudly.
7. And yes, my sex life IS better than yours.
8. The dog isn't the only one who drinks out of the toilet. I just don't do it while you're looking.
9. Yes, I know he's a male dog. He's still my bitch.
10. If you insist on dressing me up in those same sort of ridiculous clothes you stuff the dog into, you WILL find a 'surprise' in your bed at some point.
11. Of course I can talk, but what makes you think that English is automatically the language of choice for a sentient being?
12. If you don't want me climbing the drapes, get venetian blinds. I like those cool pull cords, anyway.
13. If God had meant me to take tub baths, he wouldn't have given me a comb on my tongue, and made me triple jointed.
14. And yes, I like licking my butt. You got a problem with that? At least I look graceful when I do it.
15. It's stupid for you to act outraged when I try to steal your food. If you had a choice, which would you prefer--a ham sandwich, or Kozy Kitten Ocean Delight?
16. Before you bring home a new pet, remember three things: If it's bigger than me, it's a threat. If it's smaller than me, it's food, or a toy. If it's my size, it's competition.
17. When I'm laying on your lap and I start kneading you with my paws, it isn't a charming throwback to my kitten days. I'm checking you for tenderness. That's why you ought to keep my food bowl filled.
18. You bought the pet bed--YOU use it. Your Posturepedic is fine for me.
19. Maybe the dog is willing to forgive and forget, but if you try to take ME for a 'special trip to the vet', you're PAYING for it, as soon as I can walk straight.
20. Yes, I DO think you're an idiot, but you treat me pretty well, and you're so CUTE when you try to play with me.
And these were contributed by listsibs after the original was sent out.
From Rauhnee--A few more added from fiends :)
The door is made of solid wood. Try as I might, I will not burrow through with my claws.
The door is made of solid wood. Try as I might, I will not burrow through by running into it with my head.
My humans are miserable hunters. If I bring them back half-dead baby squirrels, they will patch up the injuries and put them back in the tree. If I bring them back half-dead hamsters, they will patch up the injuries and make them pets. If I bring them dead birds, they'll throw
them out.
They're supposed to be the smart ones (though after the last part, I'm at a loss as to why).
Ten from lady_quadress--
1. There should be no reading a book, newspaper, magazine or writing going on near your lap. Your lap belongs to me only and Only me. If I see this rule is broken then I must jump up and lay over said item that is in your lap.
2. Any new or just washed clothing must have my hair on it before you leave for work.
3. If I wake you up two or three hours before your annoying alarm goes off it is not because I hate the sound it makes, it is because I am hungery and I demand to be fed.
4. If I see you going back to sleep once I am fed I will make a lot of noise so you will get up and keep me company.
5. If you see me stare at a wall or the door it is not because I think something is there. It is my way of making you think something is there just so I can watch you get up off of your chair and I can have the warm spot.
6. As soon as you get home from work you must sit down and let us smell you from head to toe.
7. If I see you going in to the kitchen it is not to feed you, it is to feed me. I don't care what you say. Your tv dinner is mine!
8. The following should not be done with out my permission.
A: No sweepers should be run until after 10 am and they should be run only when I am in another room.
B. No company is allowed in my house unless I approve them myself. This includes your boy friends and other strange beings.
C. The phone is not allowed to ring in the morning while I sleep, or when you are sitting and I am asleep in your lap.
9. Your bedroom pillow, flocked blankets, and warm towels straight from the dryer all require me to jump on them and go to sleep.
10. Please remember that even though you think you may own us, we are letting you think that when the reality is that we own you. We control you and you belong to us. Therefor we are king and queen of this house and you are merely our servant, who is just there to feed, pet, stroke and give tummy rubs to us.
