Bliss paused with a cookie halfway to his mouth, and it took a bit to get him that startled. He carefully stretched his wings out as far as they would go, caught the tip, and bent one till he could get a fair look at it. He touched the brightly colored feathers, then turned a wondering look on Iolaus. "Wha' happen?"

Iolaus stared. "I have no idea, kiddo, but I can't say I like it."

Bliss examined his wing again, and nodded decisively. "I do."

*hic*

There was a waitress walking past with a tray full of fruit. The string broke on her halter top, showing her *ahem* attributes to the world. There were immediate shouts, whistles, and claps. Iolaus got distracted from Bliss's new color scheme. She screamed and grabbed for her bosom. Consequently grapes, figs, dates, bananas, and strawberries flew every which way. Bliss picked a grape out of his hair and ate it. At his age, fruit was a lot more interesting than bare boobies.

The topless woman, clutching herself, looked around frantically for some sort of cover, then ran into Aphrodite's pavilion. Ares shook his head. "She should have known better..." There was a louder scream, and she ran right back out with a half dozen naked and semi-naked men, and one very interested satyr, in pursuit. As they disappeared into the crowd, Ares finished his sentence, "than that. The ol' family reunion is starting to liven up." Joxer was still staring down at Cupid and Strife. Cupid had stopped tickling Strife, but he still had him pinned down, and was now licking the pale man's neck, causing even more giggles. "Give you any ideas?"

"Oh. Uh..." Joxer's blush was rising again. He was kind of trying to lean away from Ares, but not trying too hard.

*hic*

Suddenly a grin that could only be described as lascivious spread over Joxer's face. He suddenly moved, shoving at Ares. The surprised God ended up sprawled, half-lying on the bench with Joxer sort of on top of him. "Oh, I don't really need anyone to give me ideas, hot stuff!" He rubbed against him. "I've got plenty of ideas of my own."

Iolaus's attention was distracted from the thought of bouncing boobs by Joxer's sudden change of demeanor. He knew that the would-be warrior liked to think of himself as irresistible, and he'd been known to try to chat up various tavern wenches and village maidens, but as far as Iolaus knew he'd confined his wooing to women, and he'd never actually been aggressive. Now... *Gah, trying to put the moves on Ares? What's wrong with him, and will Hades let him go?* Joxer was groping Ares's butt. Iolaus winced. *Will there be anything left to send back?*

Ares was frowning. Not really like he was pissed off, but more puzzled. "Joxer, this isn't like you at all." He smiled slowly, "Why, you're..."

*hic*

Ares eyes suddenly flew wide open, and his expression was a mixture of fascination and horror. "You're scaring me!" He shoved. Well, he was a god. Joxer sort of levitated and landed about six feet away.

Joxer sat up, shaking his head. He grinned, and his expression was so feral that the family resemblance to his brother Jett was even more remarkable. His voice was gritty. "Oooo, I like 'em big and sassy!" He got up and started stalking toward Ares. "Come here, buttercup."

Ares jumped up. His voice was as high pitched as it was possible for someone with his masculine vocal cords to get. "You stay away from me, you brute!"

Hercules, Gabrielle, and Xena arrived. Gabrielle was saying, "Is that naked procession some sort of god thing?"

Joxer was still stalking Ares, who was hiding behind a table. "Don't be like that, cupcake. I just wanna make you feel reeeeeal good."

"Leave me alone!"

Joxer laughed. "And I love it when they play hard to get." He grabbed at Ares.

Ares squealed and dashed over, throwing himself behind a very startled Hercules. Hercules growled, "What the Tartarus do you think you're doing?"

Ares slapped him on the shoulder. "You're supposed to be a hero, aren't you? Well, act like one! Protect me from that randy beast!"

The three heroes blinked at Ares, then at the slowly approaching warrior. They chorused, "Joxer?!"

Joxer gave a pelvic thrust that was worthy of the Time Warp. "Joxer the Mighty. Now, if you'll just hand over my bitch, I'll prove it to him."

Xena gaped. Gabrielle looked, then reached over and closed her mouth by pushing her chin up. "Joxer, are you suicidal? Calling Ares a bitch?" She thought a second, then giggled.

Ares stamped his foot. "I am not a bitch! I've never... never... what he wants."

"Well, then, it's about time, honeybunch! You're too damn fine to be allowed to go to waste," leered Joxer.

Hercules folded his arms and scowled. "Okay, this is very, very weird, but Ares is obviously scared, and Joxer, you're acting like an oversexed, male chauvinist pig..."

Joxer bowed. "Thank you."

"...so I can't allow you to harass..."

*hic*

Hercules trailed off, looking blank. Then he looked down at himself, put his hands on his hips, and said in a voice that was almost as light as the one Ares had started using, "Ew! How did I get in such a grody ensemble? I mean, slacks are bad enough, but they aren't even pink!"

Cupid's head popped up from behind a table, and he looked around curiously, "Mom?"

Hercules waved. "No problem, sweetie. You just keep having fun with Strife. I'll take care of this." Hercules waved his hand, a little limp-wristed. Of course, nothing happened. He frowned. "What?" He tried again. The frown became a pout. "What is going on, here?"

"I don't know," Joxer said, "But if you're not using that piece of tail behind you, can I have him?"

"Hm?" Hercules glanced back at Ares, then at Joxer, and smiled. "Oh, right! So you two finally decided to catch the clue bus! Good for you. Have fun." He walked away from the hyperventilating God of War. "I'll just have to go find some decent clothes and do it the hard way, I suppose."

Joxer held out his arms to Ares. "Come to Daddy!"

Ares screamed, whirled around, and ran. Joxer loped off in hot pursuit. Anyone from the future who'd watched Warner Brothers cartoons would have recognized a Pepe LePew moment. Joxer was yelling, "I love you when you're coy!"

Xena, Gabrielle, and Iolaus were all staring at each other. Xena finally managed coherent thought, "What the fuck is going on?"

"I don't know," said Iolaus, confused. "We were just sitting there, having a snack, and suddenly all Tartarus broke loose."

Gabrielle sniffed. "Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I've always said that the gods were crazy."

Iolaus protested, "Yeah, but that was Joxer chasing Ares."

Xena scratched her chin. "True, I never thought he was too tightly wrapped, especially considering Jayce and Jett, but I didn't think he was an actual lunatic."

Hephastus had wandered over. "You know how crazy family reunions can get, kids." He reached down and ruffled Bliss's curls. "Hi, little one. Maybe you ought to go over to Demeter's place now. Things are getting... interesting." He glanced at Iolaus. "I'll take him," he offered. Iolaus figured he wouldn't get in trouble with Cupid for handing Bliss over to his defacto grandfather, so he nodded. Hephastus took Bliss's hands. "Come on, Bliss. Persephone has a butterfly zoo you'll like. It's a big glass case full of green and blue and orange and purple..." His voice trailed off as he led Bliss away.

Xena said, "Maybe he's right. Maybe it's just garden variety nuttiness."

*hic*

A slimy shower of perch, trout, koi, bass, angelfish, and catfish cascaded down on her. She squealed (yes, Xena squealed) as a tiny, bright orange koi slid down her cleavage. That wasn't as bad as the massive tuna that knocked her off her feet. Gabrielle reached down to help her up and jumped back, yelping and trying to shake a piranha off her finger. Xena sat up, spitting scales. "Okay, I take that back. This is definitely not just interfamily weirdness."

Water nymphs ran over and began scooping the flopping fish into pails and basins, racing them to a nearby fountain. Iolaus shook his head. "This is getting out of hand. Maybe we should postpone the rest of this shindig till we can figure out what's going on."

"Zeus will have to let down the shield, or we aren't going anywhere," said Xena, trying to fish the fish out of her bustier. "There's no telling where he is."

"He usually shows up if Hercules calls him," said Gabrielle. "He ducked into the Love Pavilion." They went toward it.

*hic*

It was pretty empty inside--just a few couples and triples making out in the corners. Since it was enchanted, it was a lot bigger on the inside than it was on the outside, and they didn't want to go wandering around in the inner sections. Some beings got very nasty when their nooky was interrupted. "We need to find Dite and see if she's seen Herk," said Xena. "Let's ask that old hag over there."

The old hag in question was huddled in a chair against the wall, kind of curved in on herself, as if trying to avoid attention. Her hair was a limp mass that she kept pulling over her face. She was dressed in baggy, outsized clothes that... Iolaus blinked. "Those look a lot like Herk's clothes. But why would that old dame be wearing them?"

She was muttering to herself as they approached. "The question is, is it a spell, or have I always been this skanky and just didn't notice it? It must be a spell. I couldn't have been going downhill long enough to get to this state without someone saying something. Oh, no! They've just been being kind! I've been getting fat and wrinkled and plain and... and... not me, and they just haven't told me!"

The other three blinked. Gabrielle said, "Aphrodite?"

Bright blue eyes (for once completely unadorned by mascara, liner, or shadow, peeked between the hair strands. "Shhhh!" hissed Aphrodite. "Gods, I don't want anyone to see me like this!"

"Like what?" Iolaus peered at her. "You're still you. I mean, once you get past the no makeup, bird's nest hair, and baggy guy's clothes. Are those Hercules's, by the way?"

She nodded. "I suddenly realized how hideously blubbery I'd become, and I couldn't run around in that see-through hankie thing. He seemed to want it, so we exchanged clothes."

"What the Tartarus would Herk want with Dite's gown?" asked Xena, confused.

They heard someone who was obviously a baritone trying to sing soprano. "I took my troubles down to Madame Ruuuth. You know that gypsy with the gold capped toooth. She got a shop at 34th and Vine, sellin' little bottles oooof, Love Potion Number Niiiine..." The figure that entered from the back section of the pavilion paused in the doorway, posing coyly, and giggled, "Amateur!" There was a muffled thump as three jaws hit the floor. After they collected them, they just stared. It was Hercules, all right, and there had definitely been a change of image.

He was dressed in one of Dite's 'blink, yeah, she is wearing clothing--of a sort' dresses. His hair had been teased and lacquered into a poof of ringlets, laced with tiny flowers. Perhaps the scariest thing was the makeup. It was a little showy, but perfectly applied. How the Tartarus had Hercules ever learned to contour with rouge to emphasize his cheekbones?

He minced toward them, beaming. "How's one of my closest couples and one of my best little stud muffins?" he cooed.

"Uh, Herk?" stuttered Iolaus. Hercules giggled. "Okay, that's scary."

Herk pinched Iolaus's cheek. "You're such a tease, Goldie. My son and I need to see about setting you up with someone." When Iolaus blanched, Herk rolled his eyes, hand on hip, in an attitude that screamed 'Love Goddess'. "Don't panic, sweetie. I don't mean, like, permanent. Something a little longer lasting than a dirty weekend, though. Look, I'd love to chat, but I really need to try to whip up a few potions, so I'll see you later, all right?" He bounced back toward the private rooms. They could tell because of the see-through dress that Hercules could bounce just as much as Aphrodite--just in different places.

Xena shook her head, obviously trying to remove mental images, and not having much luck. "Okay, looks like Hercules is out of commission. We'll have to try to find Zeus and get him to act ourselves. I think we should split up."

"Much as I hate to be by myself in this lunatic asylum, I think you're right," agreed Gabby as they exited the Pavilion.

Iolaus said, "I think we ought to enlist everyone we can." Apollo was walking toward them, smoothing his hair and straightening his toga. The muse and nymph were nowhere in sight, but he was already eyeing the serving wenches in the tent. "Hey, Apollo!" He received a disinterested look. "No, really, this is important."

The Sun God sighed heavily, looking around to be sure that everyone saw how martyred he was to good manners. He came up to them. "What is it, Curly?"

"Have you noticed that weird things are happening?"

*hic*

A short man dressed in a silver jumpsuit, with glasses and very bad teeth, wandered past, saying something about 'shagadelic'.

"I had noticed that, yes."

"We need to find Zeus and get him to lift the shield so we can thin this crowd out till we learn what's happening."

*hic*

Apollo was looking away, bored. Now his eyes fastened on something. They widened, then narrowed. He pointed. In the voice of an Arch Conservative from the sixties spotting Abbie Hoffman he hissed, "What is that?"

Gabrielle looked. "Uh, it's a sunflower, Apollo."

"A flower." Now his tone was that of Abbie Hoffman discussing Richard Nixon. "Disgusting. And what's that behind it?"

Gabby blinked. "It's a willow sapling." She smiled. "Isn't it beautiful? The branches are like verdant lace against the blue of the sky..."

"Bullshit." Before Xena could move (and she was fast), Apollo had snatched her sword from her side. With one swipe he chopped down the willow, then proceeded to shred the sunflower with tiny, but vicious, swipes. He was muttering under his breath, "Nasty, dirty, sneaking, treacherous vegitation!"

They backed away slowly. "I don't get this," said Xena. "Sure, he's not an official plant god, but plants depend on his work, and he's always been very fond of them. What gives?"

Ares came running past. He was stripped to the waist and desperately holding his ripped pants up. He looked more excited than terrified, but he was shrieking, "Save me! He's an animal, I tell you, an animal!"

Joxer, wearing a grin and an... uh... Let's see, this is supposed to be R rated. Wearing a grin and physical proof of his present focus, loped past, calling, "Woof! Growl! Snarl! C'mon, baby, and I'll purr for you!"

Gabrielle blinked after them. "Whoa. That..." she swallowed. "That armor covers up a lot, doesn't it?" Xena slapped her upside the head.

*hic*

Gabrielle adjusted her halter-top, scratched her crotch, and spat to the side, then drawled, "Tartarus, Zeen. Ya don't hafta get your knickers in a twist just because I looked." *ptui* "Say, do you suppose any of these stands carry chewing tobacco?"

*hic*

A chorus line of Spartan's danced past, high kicking, singing a show tune.

Iolaus shuddered. "Okay, Apollo got your sword, but you still have your chakra, right Xena?"

"Yeah." She patted it where it hung at her side. "And I noticed a bullwhip over at the sex toys stand."

"Good. Things are getting so wild that you might need to kick a little ass any time now."

*hic* Xena's gas jet blue eyes suddenly softened to something more along the lines of cornflower. "But Iolaus, man, that is just so negative."

"What?"

"You've got to let go of the anger, man, before it eats you up."

She held up her hand with the pointer and index fingers spread. Iolaus stared at it. "Bunny rabbits?"

"Peace, man, peace. Make love, not war."

At that moment Ares pounded past again. He was now down to a tablecloth wrapped around his middle, and he had a large, juicy hickey on his neck. Joxer paused, grinned at them and said, "I, for one, intend to make love and War! Wait for baby, Hot Stuff!" he bellowed, and was gone again.

Gabrielle stared after them, shaking her head. She looked at Iolaus. "Ever had one of those experiences where you suddenly realize that you may have woefully underestimated someone?" She wandered toward the refreshment tent. "I wonder if they have beer and nachos?" *scratch* *ptui*

Xena followed. "I could use some ginseng tea and carob-bran cookies."

Iolaus groaned, following them toward the tent, hoping to get their minds back on track. "All here are mad save me and thee, and sometimes I wonder about thee."

*hic*

Iolaus blinked. Why was it suddenly so dark? Wait a minute, there was some sort of cloth or something over his head. Had someone thrown a bag over his head to kidnap him? And what was that fascinating smell? Mm. Musky and warm, and...

"Hey! Get yer head out from unda my husband's kilt!"

Iolaus jerked back. There was suddenly light, and he found himself staring back at a highly amused Cupid and a highly pissed Strife. "Oh, shit!"

"Huntah, my ass!" Strife snarled. "Not even waitin fah an invitation! When I get done with ya you'll be a huntah, all right. You'll be huntin fah yer nuts all ovah..." *hic*

Cupid's kilt suddenly turned green, and he was wearing a bowler hat with a shamrock in it. He gasped, "Faith an' begorra, Strife! What dya think yer doin', me foin boyo?"

Iolaus looked at Strife, then raised his voice. "Guys? I think I know what the problem is."