Monty Python/Sentinel Slash
Notes: *indicates in--joke. If you really want to know, read my Sentinel/Gabriel Knight crossover, Verliebt Sein In der Jung Wolf. :)
**another injoke. Read Medley, of the Swingers Series, Sentinel/Due South crossover
Jim groaned loudly as he dropped the keys in the basket by the door. "God, what a day! I hope I never again have a day like today."
Blair hung up his jacket wearily. "You said a mouthful, man. Total chaos. Complete weirdness, even by my standards. I'm glad my date canceled for tonight. I just want to stay home and veg out."
"Sounds good to me." Jim went and sprawled on the couch. "What's for dinner?"
"Let me check the supplies." Blair started to go through the refrigerator and cabinets. "Well, there's eggs and bacon; eggs sausage and bacon; eggs and spam; eggs bacon and spam; eggs bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam eggs spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam; spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam. Jim, this is the *last* time I let you go shopping alone."
"Order a pizza."
"Check." As Blair started dialing he said, "There is a half box of those chocolates that Naomi sent from England."
Jim picked up the gilt box and opened it, regarding it suspiciously. "I don't know how you can eat these things, Chief. Whoever heard of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?"
Blair shrugged as he studied the menu. "I dunno. But it's the Quality Assortment."
Jim sniffed the box, and made a face. "Well, they smell positively funky." He sniffed again. "I'd swear I smell frog in there. And these things have weird names. Ram's Bladder Cup. What do you suppose that really is?"
"I think it was peanut butter."
"Cockroach Cluster, Anthrax Ripple Huh. Must be some hip, goth thing. Like I've heard that they have weird nail polish colors called Urban Decay and Gangrene." He picked up a chocolate to examine it, and dropped it. "Oops."
"Crap, man. Maybe you don't want any of those, but don't go throwing them around. Dust it off and put it back."
"You're kidding." Jim pitched it over the rail on the balcony. He turned away too quickly to see the squirrel that snatched it up eat it, then topple into the gutter. "How do those taste?"
"Compared to my usual algae shake? Not too bad. Hello, yeah? Luigi, it's Blair. Yeah, the usual, but double mushrooms. Thanks." Blair hung up and called, "Want a beer?"
"Stupid question, Sandburg."
Blair brought two beers over to the couch, and they both drank about half of their bottle in silence. Blair smacked his lips, then said, "I love beer, but I have to admit that I prefer imported. Australian, British, Canadian..."
Jim agreed. "Yup. After them, American beer is kinda like making love in a canoe: fucking close to water."
Blair, who was taking a swig, spluttered. "Well, I wish it was, man. It would have been easier when I used it as a nasal wash."
"Sorry. Ya know, I'm glad things have been so quiet in Major Crimes, but having to help out the Department of Silly Crimes really sucks."
"You're telling me. Although some of it was pretty serious. There was that shooting in the cheese shop," Blair asserted.
"I almost don't blame the guy," Jim sighed. "If they were out of cheese why didn't the clerk just close the store? Or he could have told the guy right off the bat instead of leading him on like that. Still, I suppose shooting was a bit extreme. He should have just beaten him up, like that other guy did the clerk in the pet shop."
"Evidence nearly had a fit when I checked that dead parrot in, but it was the weapon used, so we had to file it. I guess those were the only really violent incidents. Those Hell's Grannies were only doing a little vandalizing." Blair thought. "Well, except for that UPS man they groped. He was too embarrassed to press charges."
"Sure, that's what they count on. The thefts were pretty strange. Like that nursery. Why would anyone steal shrubbery and lupins?" Blair started, and Jim petted his shoulder soothingly. "Lupins, Chief, lupins. Not lupines."*
The doorbell rang. "I'll get it." Jim went to the door and opened it.
The pizza boy was actually a sour looking pizza //man//, dressed in something that looked like a monk's robe. "One extra large everything, extra mushrooms, $16.95."
Jim handed him a twenty. "Keep the change."
"Oh, wow." The voice was sarcastic.
Jim frowned at him. "You aren't our usual delivery boy. Who are you?"
"Torquemada." He left.
Jim carried the pizza to the couch, muttering, "Well, I certainly didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition."
"No one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition." Blair opened the pizza box, examined the pie, and said, "Crap! They left off the herring."
"Thank God."
They both dug in. For several minutes there was no sound except chewing. Jim finally tossed a last scrap of crust into the box and leaned back with his beer. "I still say they should have turned the cross-dressing lumberjacks over to Vice. Either that or they could have gotten them for performing without a license, singing in the streets like that."
"I thought the Mountie was cute."**
Jim gave Blair a suspicious look. He never could tell when Sandburg was kidding. Just when he thought he was sure enough to actually make a move without risking making a total upper-class twit of himself, Blair would start flirting with some woman. "How did you make out with those knights from the Society for Creative Anachronism?"
"Not too hot." Blair wiggled a finger in his ear. "They kept yelling Ni! in my ear. It got on my nerves even more than I would've expected. And one of them kept clapping coconut shells in my face. I think they were French. I'll admit, at least I got a different grade of insults from the usual 'your mama was a ho'. One of 'em said my mother was a hamster."
"That is new. I wondered if they'd been in on the nursery burglary. They smelled heavily of elderberries."
"You must've had your smell turned down if that was all you smelled." Blair closed the pizza box and shoved it away, then sipped his beer. "One of them farted in your general direction."
"Huh. Well, it had to be better than the guy they dragged in for soliciting a male undercover officer. He tried to put the make on me the entire time I was doing his paperwork."
Blair grinned. "Really?"
"I swear, it was nothing but 'wink, wink, nudge, nudge, show us your naughty bits, how about a bit of peril?'"
"You weren't interested?"
"Blair, that was the ugliest..."
"So, you weren't interested because he was ugly?"
Jim blushed. "That's not what I meant."
"You weren't interest he was an ugly guy?"
"I... you..."
"Freudian slip, Jim?"
"Oh... hell. All right, I've thought about other guys."
"Guys?"
Jim sighed and put his face in his hands. "Guy, other guy. Happy?"
"Ecstatic."
Jim suddenly found himself thrown back on the couch with Blair on top of him. "Blair, what are you doing?"
"You've never made it with a guy?"
"No."
"I just didn't know you had any leanings at all in that direction, and..." Blair, eyes twinkling, reached between them and gave Jim's rather emphatic erection a loving squeeze.
Jim gasped and, before he stopped to think, shoved up into his hand. "And?"
There was the rasp of two zippers being lowered, and Blair crooned, "And now for something completely different."
The End
