Before I went downstairs, I made sure that the top couple of buttons on my blouse were undone. Kurt had left a nice, juicy hickey on my throat, and I wanted the collar open to frame it to best advantage. For good measure, I put my skirt on just a little crooked, and scrubbed my hands through my curls, disarraying them even further than before. Satisfied that I looked sufficiently debauched, I strolled into the lounge.
The only other time in my life I'd been the focus of that much attention was when I sang a solo during my third grad Christmas pageant, and I can promise you that there wasn't NEARLY as much speculation going on about me then.
I was careful not to actually look, but I was aware of Thomas sitting huddled against the wall. Boy was curled up beside him, his head on Thomas' knee, gazing up at him anxiously. I went to the bar and took a seat on one of the stools.
Thomas didn't get up. He crawled across the room toward me. He knew he was in deep shit, and he was already trying to make amends. When he got to the bar, he crouched at my feet, head down, and waited.
I ignored him, asking the bartender for a double vodka Collins. "I have such a thirst for some reason." I took hold of my collar and flapped the edges gently, drawing attention to the passion bruises on my neck.
Addie, sitting beside me, chortled. "Yeah, that Kurt can certainly heat things up."
I felt a hand press hesitantly to my foot, and I casually crossed my legs, pulling it away from his touch. I heard a sharp intake of breath from the floor. His voice trembling, Thomas said, "Miss Emmie, please."
I reached down swiftly and grabbed a handful of dark gold hair, dragging his head up, ignoring the sound of surprise and pain. I glared into his eyes. "I DID NOT give you permission to speak to me."
He bit his lips. "I'm sorry, Mistress."
I let him go with a shove that almost made him fall. "I think you've said quite enough for the night, Thomas."
"Miss Emily, I'm sor..."
"Say one more word and I gag you."
He looked up at me, eyes moist, then bent his head in submission, settling at my feet. I drank. I ignored the looks of the other guests. I ignored him when he pressed his head to my leg, begging silently.
Halfway through my third drink, Kurt came into the lounge. He saw the little tableau at the bar, and frowned. I heard a low growling sound coming from the floor, and looked down. Thomas was in a crouch, glaring at Kurt. His eyes blazed blue-green, and his lips were pulled back from his teeth.
I shoved him with my foot to get his attention. "Don't even think about it."
"What'll you do?" Addie asked, interested. "I got a nice cane I can lend you. Leaves the prettiest welts without really cutting the skin."
"No, I won't hit him. I'll leave him." Thomas gasped, and looked up at me. There was a stricken look on his face, and I felt a certain bitter satisfaction. He opened his mouth, and I held a finger to my lips in warning. He didn't speak, but the look he turned on Kurt was even more murderous.
The look Kurt gave me was unreadable. If I had to classify it, I'd say that it was pitying, and I don't want to think about that, so I won't classify it.
I finished the drink, thought about another, and decided against it. People use being drunk as an excuse for so many things. I didn't need any excuse.
I said good night to the other guests, and started for the door. Thomas said, in a low voice, "Mistress, may I speak?" I paused, nodding. "May I come with you?" Not speaking, I nodded again.
On the way out, I heard Desi mutter, "Oh, he's gonna get it."
And Kurt, damn him, answered, "No, he's not. That's the problem."
Thomas followed me upstairs to our room. When we went in, I ignored him, beginning to strip out of my clothes. He said quietly, "Mistress, let me help you."
"Why would I want you to touch me, slave?" That hurt him. Good enough. I was a long way from being through with his punishment. "Just stay out of my way."
I didn't make any effort to hide myself as I took off my clothes. I wanted him to see the bruises, and the reddened patches where Kurt's stubble had given me whisker burn. I noted his reaction without looking at him directly. He turned white as a sheet, and almost swayed.
I had gotten down to my panties and slipped on the oversized nightshirt I'd brought to sleep in. Once I had it on, I slid my panties down my legs and removed them. When I did, I tweezed them between thumb and forefinger in a dumb show of how soiled they were, and contemplated them.
I looked over at Thomas. He was staring at the simple cotton underwear as if they were the knife that had just stabbed him through the heart. I'm not proud now of what I did next. You just have to understand how deeply betrayed I felt then. I said casually, "These are in an awful state. What do you think, Thomas? Should I have you rinse them out?"
He moaned and dropped to his knees. "Emily, I'm sorry! I don't know what came over me. You were paying so much attention to Michael, petting him and talking to him, and even trying to influence his Domme in his favor. I just got so jealous, I couldn't think straight. Forgive me."
"I don't know if I can, Thomas. I can't believe you didn't know how much what you did would hurt me."
"I'm a bastard, I'm a shit. You knew that when we started this, Emmie. But I've gotten better. You've helped me. Haven't you noticed?"
Actually, I had. He wasn't mellow. God, he'd NEVER be that. But he wasn't so acid-drop sarcastic with the rest of the class anymore. His criticism was still strong, but it wasn't harsh any more. There was only helpful suggestions instead of snide comments.
"Yes, you're a little more human. That's even more reason why I can't understand what you did. Why did you want to hurt me?"
"I didn't really, Emmie. It's just... You hurt me, and I lashed back."
"How? For God's sake, Thomas, what have I done?"
"It's what you haven't done."
"Jesus! Not that again! You are obsessed, Langely. A little scrap of skin, that's all it is." My eyes narrowed. "Was."
I'm ashamed of myself now. I was ashamed then, but only a little. Thomas looked like I'd just spit in his face, then kicked him in the nuts, and finally torn his heart out with my bare hands. He went so white that his lips were pale. I thought for a moment he was going to faint. "Oh, Emmie. I so wanted..." A tear streaked down his face.
I'd gone too far to pull back now. "Well, you can stop obsessing about it now, can't you? It's gone. Just forget about it."
"Is that all you think I wanted... want from you, Emmie?" He shook his head. "I thought you knew. I thought you knew me better than that. It doesn't matter to me. I wanted you before I knew you were a virgin. I still want you. I'll always want you, no matter what."
I was breathing hard. Why can't he be satisfied? Why does he want more? I've already given him more than I've ever given anyone in my life. Even Mom and Dad... I shook my head. Why was I thinking about them? This was totally different.
He thought I was reacting to what he had said. "It's true, I swear it. What do I have to do to prove it to you? I love you, Emmie."
"Don't say that. You don't. You can't. You don't know me well enough, Thomas."
"Then let me closer, Emmie. Let me know you, don't keep pushing me away emotionally."
I sneered. "I thought your area of expertise was literature, not psychology. You and Kurt have a lot in common, Langely. Why don't you both have a nice chat about poor old dysfunctional Emily? "Strip, but leave the collar."
He was clearly startled by the abrupt command, but being an experienced submissive, began to obey immediately. I could tell from his expression that he was hoping that this meant I was beginning to forgive him. No chance.
I went to the bed and found the small case of 'toys' he'd packed from his personal collection. I rummaged for a moment, then came up with a length of chain. I went to him and snapped, "On your knees." He obeyed again. Thomas could give Michael a run for his money in the grace of movement department. He automatically bowed his head.
I attached the chain to his collar, and led him, on hands and knees to the door. Opening it, I said, "Outside." He hesitated. I could see his mind working. He was thinking, Well, if this is what it takes to make her forgive me, I can do it. After all, I won't be the only naked man on a leash down there.
But out in the hall, I turned and fastened the chain to the handle of the door. I made sure that he had enough slack to sit comfortably, and even lie down, if he was careful of how he positioned himself. He watched me, the light of hope fading from his eyes as they filled once again with sadness.
"I don't want you in the same room with me right now, Langely. You can spend the night out here. They keep the thermostat reasonable, so you won't suffer."
Without a word of good-night, I went back into the room and shut the door. Through the wood, I could hear him start to cry. I almost faltered. I almost opened the door and let him crawl back in. Almost forgave him.
Then I remembered the way his eyes had flashed when he'd asked me that damn question, knowing how I'd have to answer. I remembered the nasty, knowing edge to his smile. I hardened my heart, turned off the light, and went to bed.
In the morning he was red-eyed and subdued, but he didn't seem quite so tortured. I let him put on a pair of shorts before we went down to breakfast. There was a nice buffet laid out, and I gave Thomas permission to fix himself a plate. I even let him sit beside me at the table, instead of standing behind my chair.
It had been a late night for some of the guests, apparently, because breakfast was sparsely attended. When Kurt came in, long black main tied back in a thick braid, he came over and greeted me with a morning kiss, scraping my cheek lightly with his stubble. I was surprised to see that Thomas didn't stiffen up with hostility. I was even more surprised when Kurt ruffled Langely's hair affectionately, and received a small smile in return.
Noticing my look, Kurt said, "I found him out in the hall last night. You WERE upset, weren't you? We had a nice talk. After all, he couldn't run off, could he?"
My glance darted between the two of them suspiciously. "What did you talk about?"
"Psychology," Langely responded. When I shot him a look, he murmured, "Well, mistress, you DID suggest it, after all."
Crap. I HAD said something about him and Kurt swapping theories, hadn't I? I hate it when someone calls me on something like that.
It wasn't until months later that I found out exactly what the conversation had been about. Langely finally told me...
What Langely Told Emily Later
I almost cried myself sick after you shut me out, Emmie. Do you know that you're the only person in my adult life who can make me cry? Pause. Smile. Well, without whipping the crap out of me, anyway.
I don't know how long I sat there against that door, blubbering. The others started to come up to bed. They gave me pitying looks, but no one would speak to me or touch me. I was a submissive, being disciplined, and they weren't going to interfere.
Well, no one except Boy. When Keagan brought him up, he wouldn't go past me. Keagan dragged on his collar till he was half choking, and getting rug burn on his knees. Finally Keagan let him go, and he crawled on my lap and licked the tears off my face.
Just as he was getting ready to go with Keagan, he whispered in my ear. Yes, that was the only time he spoke out loud in public that weekend, I think. He said, "It's hard, sometimes, when you love them."
They all went to bed. Finally Kurt came up, the last one. He paused at the top of the stairs when he saw me. He had a bottle of wine with him. As he studied me, he swigged from it.
I wanted to kill him, Emmie. You didn't think about that when you let me believe you'd fucked him, did you? Oh, I'm not saying I'd have succeeded. Kurt could beat the snot out of me without raising a good sweat. And I don't suppose he would have hurt me any more than he had to in keeping me off him. But if I'd started, I wouldn't have stopped till I made him put me in the hospital. I don't think you realized that.
He just looked at me. I was still so angry, but the hurt was drowning it out. Finally I just turned my back on him and huddled against the door."
I heard him walk over. The cool glass of the bottle nudged my shoulder. "She tossed you out, eh?" I didn't look at him. I heard him sigh. "She can be a remarkably hard-headed woman over some things."
I stiffened when he slid down and sat beside me. I could hear the wine gurgle in the bottle as he took another drink. Then he said quietly, "I didn't fuck her, you know." I jerked around, glaring at him. "No, it's true. I made her feel good, and I rubbed off on her, but she's still just as cherry as she was when she came here with you."
I wilted with relief. All my rage and hatred of Kurt seemed to melt away. I could see the sympathy in his eyes as he watched me, and I whispered, "Why did she do it? Why did she let me think that?"
He shrugged. "Revenge. And it worked, didn't it, Langely?"
I put my head back against the door and closed my eyes. "God, did it ever. I'd rather she had beaten me bloody."
"She knew that. She's a clever woman, is our Emmie. Very clever, if a bit blind about what she really wants and needs."
I sighed. "Am I so wrong to think I know what that is?"
"I don't think so. She's changed since she's been with you, Langely. She isn't quite as closed off as she was."
I had to smile at that. "Emily? Closed off?"
"You know what I mean. There's a part of her that she keeps hidden deep. She holds everyone off from that. I think you're the one she's let closest so far. I think maybe you're the one who will touch it at last. It isn't just the physical virginity, you know. There's more than one way to be a virgin. I don't think Emmie has ever really given herself to anyone. She's afraid to."
"But why? All I want to do is love her and take care of her. Can't she accept that?"
"Probably. Eventually."
"It's driving me crazy. I just hope I haven't ruined everything."
"Oh, I don't think you have. It isn't in her nature to truly hate. She'll come around. It may take a day or two, but she will."
"God, I hope so." He offered me the bottle, and I accepted it gratefully. We passed it back and forth for a while in companionable silence. As I drained the last swallow, I felt his hand on my leg. Peering into the empty bottle, I murmured, "She said no."
He ruffled my hair. "You're a good subbie, Thomas. Emily is lucky to have you. She knows it. She just has a hard time showing it. We'll figure something out together, eh?"
