Ron stared. "You broke Lucius' wand."
"Yup, and it wasn't easy, I tell ya. I don't know what that puppy was made out of, but it was sturdy," said Scribe.
"You broke Lucius' wand," said Hermione.
"Uh... yeah. Over his head."
"You broke Lucius' wand," said Neville.
Scribe sighed. "Yes. Yes I did. I broke it. I sundered it. I snapped it. I walloped him mightily, and cause and effect being what it is, he received a lump, and the wand was subdivided. I--broke--Lucius' wand. Deal with it. Move on. I think the problem here is why I had to do that."
"Lucius is an asshole?" said Ron. Everyone looked at him. "What?"
"Why are you staring at the redhead?" said Scribe. "It's a perfectly valid statement. He is an asshole of the first magnitude, but that aside, I meant his specific reason for coming, not the general."
"We heard him," said Harry. "He wanted to kidnap you for Voldemort."
"Okay, that's a bit too specific. Aim somewhere in the middle." Blank looks. "He wants a virgin, and not simply for the general male chauvinist pig reasons."
Ron squared his chin. "Don't worry, we'll protect you."
All the males in the room were nodding. She looked around. "Suuure you will. That's the same line they give every witness in every crime drama when they're trying to get them to testify, and what happens every time? Well, when the witness isn't a name actor, anyway."
"What does happen?" asked Neville.
"I keep forgetting that not all of you are aware of film cliches. Death and nastiness, that's what, Nev. No, but there's one simple, effective manner of cutting his interest."
Neville looked intrigued. "How?"
She smiled at him sweetly, and patted his head, then headed for the door, yelling, "Snape!"
"Yes?" It had taken a few minutes for the news to reach down into the dungeon; therefore Snape was a little late arriving on the scene. Now he loomed up behind the students who were crowded on the landing outside the room. Scribe looked at them and said, "Unless you want to see my impression of a steamroller going through a patch of daisies--I'd move."
It's almost certain that there have been more impressive examples of 'clearing the way'. Dynamite blasting to clear railway tunnels comes to mind. So does Moses parting the Red Sea. The speed and enthusiasm with which the Hogwarts students faded to both sides was still pretty damn impressive. In just over two seconds there was a clear path between Snape and Scribe.
She stalked up to him, and Neville said, "But I thought that you had no confidence in anyone's ability to keep Lucius away from you."
Snape's expression darkened. "What about Lucius?"
"Nothing."
He flicked his wand at her, saying, "Luminous Tactile."
There were yelps from some of the students. Scribe didn't look at herself. She said, "You just made any handprints Lucius might have laid on me glow, didn't you?"
"Yes, and since the glow is limited to a few splotches on your arms and shoulders, I won't hunt him down and neuter him--right now."
"I stand in awe of your tolerance. Nev, I don't trust anyone to be fully capable of keeping Lucius out if he's determined. I've read too many of the darn books. However, Severus can very easily render the worry about security for my virginity moot."
"How?"
The others in the room groaned. Scribe patted him on the head. "I should have slipped you some of the NC17 stuff even if you aren't quite of age. No one past puberty needs to be this naive, not even future clergy." She looked at Snape, then cocked her head, as if hearing something far away. "Listen--do you hear that?"
Snape frowned. Everyone in the room started doing their best 'RCA, His Master's Voice' impression. "No. What do you hear?"
"It's the sound of an orchestra playing 'Good Night, Ladies'. Do you know what that means?"
"No. What does it mean?"
She grabbed the front of his robe. "It means the dancing is over! C'mon, you." She dragged him out of the room.
Dite bounced up and down, clapping her hands and chanting, "Go, girlfriend! Go, girlfriend! It's your birthday! It's your birthday!"
The rest of the crowd looked at each other, a little stunned. From down the tower they could hear Peeves singsong voice. "Oo! Sevvie's gonna geeeet some! Sevvie's gonna geeeet some! Sevvie's..." *bonk* There was a high-pitched squeal of surprised pain.
"Keep it up and you'll get something you won't like." It was Scribe's voice. "Poltergeist, my ass. I'm a computer geek from way back--I know a gremlin when I see one, and I know how to deal with them. I'll report your butt to Strife, and he'll make you think that a trip through a meat grinder is a relaxing vacation." Strife giggled, rubbing his hands. Even the Slytherins swallowed hard.
There was a popping sound, and suddenly Peeves appeared, clinging to Dumbledore's neck and shivering. "You need to get that woman some therapy."
While Dumbledore patted Peeve's back, Aphrodite just shrugged. "Don't worry about it. She'll be getting laid any minute now, and that's GREAT for smoothing out the temper."
Ron looked at Harry. "Maybe we ought to hunt him up in a little while and ask about a grading curve."
Hermione bonked him.
"Well..." He was cut off by a searing lip-lock. He found out that Scribe could use her tongue to do more than talk someone to death.
After a moment she pulled back and said, "Or do you prefer the shy, retiring type?" She jerked, spun, and jerked again, and now SHE was flat against the wall, and he was plastered against her. She batted her eyes at him and cooed. "Oh, Sevvie, you're so forcefull! How can poor wittle me resist your dominant masculine charms?"
"This is ridicul..." She bumped her hips against him. The rest of the sentence was lost in a snarl and another smack-you-backward kiss.
After another few seconds she panted, "Room? More specifically, bed? I may be horny, but as long as I've waited, I damn sure want a frickin' mattress and sheets. I don't wanna pulls some sort of 9 and 1/2 weeks pastiche out here in public." He grabbed her hand and hauled her down the hall. "Figures you'd be living in the dungeon, and we started this run from one of the highest points in Hogwarts." She glared up at the ceiling. "Wouldn't do to have us relaxed and well rested when we hit our destination."
"Quit bitching and save your breath, woman."
"You snot. Get us to your room fast, before I embarrass us both."
He started dragging her again. "It would take a lot to embarrass me right now." *grope* "That might do it." They reached Snape's room. He slammed the door open, shoved her through, stepped in after her, slammed the door shut, and laid a locking spell on it that would have made a Gringott's goblin gasp in envy.
He turned around, and froze when he was confronted by the gleam in her eyes. She lunged, grabbed his robe, and managed to pull it over his head in one hard tug. Luckily he held his arms up at the right moment, or they might have been delayed taking him to the infirmary to deal with a couple of dislocated shoulders. She whooped and tossed it aside. "I've been wanting to do that for ages! Those darn robes remind me too forcefully of my church choir, and that's not a mental image I need right now."
"Are we going to fuck, or are you going to bloody talk me to death?"
She gaped, then howled with laughter. "I knew you'd have a gutter mouth when properly motivated. How about a compromise? How about we try to fuck each other to death?"
He started unbuttoning his shirt. "Sounds fair to me."
"Oops! Falling behind." She started on her own shirt. "Before I get past coherent thought, and that isn't too far in the future, you do have some sort of protection, don't you? And if you look at your magic wand or say something about Defense Against the Dark Arts, I'll smack you and go off somewhere to die of frustrated horniness." He dipped into his pocket and pulled out a small, flat square, showing it to her. "Bertie Bott's All Flavored Baby Stoppers. I think this is J.K. Rowlings by way of Mel Brooks." By the time she'd finished speaking, he'd gotten down to his underwear. "Heeey, black silk boxers! Nice."
"Thank you. Do you require help having those ripped off your body?"
"Hang on, hang on. I don't have a lot of spares." She recommenced stripping.
"Before we get started, I need to know. You're a virgin, so a certain amount of restraint is called for. Frankly considering the amount of heat we both seem to be generating, I'm not sure we'll manage it."
"I won't break."
"No, but you deserve to have a first experience that's as enjoyable as possible. At least one of us needs to be marginally in control. Would it help if I tied you to the bed?"
"Kind of early in the relationship to go for the kink, Snape. I think we need to wait till at least the third date before we get into bondage."
"I'm serious. Despite your restraint in the area of physical gratification..."
The bra hit the floor. "I loooove a man who can use big words."
He swallowed. "You strike me as an impulsive woman. I don't think we should spring directly into intercourse."
*wiggle* *The panties joined the bra* "What would you suggest?"
"This." *grab* *toss*
*bounce on bed* *squeak!* *pounce* "Where do you think you're going? You're too far down..." *slurp* "Oooh, no you aren't." *licklicklick* "No, you're in just the right place."
*A demure veil of literary dimness is drawn over the scene.* *Why? Because that's how I do it in my comic Mary Sue's* *You want het smut details, go read my original fiction, like Sabine Woman* *But I WILL say that Snape's tongue is good for a lot more than making snarky remarks and reducing first year students to quivering masses of fear*
Shortly later Scribe found herself staring up at the ceiling. "Daaaaaaamn," she drawled. "Do I still qualify as a virgin after that?"
Snape crawled up and lay beside her. "It would depend on how you defined 'virginal'. If you mean having experienced no interpersonal sex of any kind..." he smirked, "no. If you mean no actual intercourse--yes. If you mean hymen intact..."
"Questionable." He raised an eyebrow. "Hey, I've ridden bicycles and fallen astraddle a balance beam, and you," she tweaked his chin, "Snape, are you sure there are absolutely no Muggle offshoots on your family tree?"
"Positive."
"Really? You see, there's this Muggle rock n' roll singer named Gene Simmons I think you might be related to."
"You're a very strange woman. Intriguing--but strange."
"I can live with that." She slid a hand over his chest. "You're pretty buff for a mature academic"
"I spend several hours a week gathering certain potion ingredients in the forest. It's more strenuous than some people might imagine."
"Well, it's kept you nicely toned." The hand slid lower. "Though I don't believe aerobics could be responsible for this."
"The Snape men could be justly renowned for their prowess, but we don't like to brag."
"Uh-huh." *Did you know that silk boxers can sound very sexy being removed?* "Uh-huh!" *reach* "Wait a minute--suit up."
"I will."
"Now. Be a boy scout--be prepared."
"Oh, for--"
"And I want to watch."
"Well, then..." *crinkle*
"Thank God it's not green. I don't think I could deal with that. White..." *sniff* "Smells like coconut."
"Do you want to...?"
"Not this time. Go on." *press* *roll* "So that's how they work."
"You didn't know?"
"I knew in theory, but I graduated before they started the whole banana demonstration thing in health class, and the naughty movies I've seen didn't linger over this part of the joy ride." *kiss* "They look like little plastic ponchos."
"You've never been accused of being too romantic, have you?"
"I've escaped that."
*fondle* *stroke* *kiss* *caress*
"You've got good hands. Is it from preparing all those potion ingredients?"
"No." *caress* "From preparing bed partners." *pinchtwiddle*
"Ooooh, lucky me. I'm as well prepared as a Martha Stewart Thanksgiving turkey."
"I'm so glad to hear that." *roll*
"Oh, boy. Here we go."
"Are you going to talk all the way through this?"
"I don't know. Are you...?" *thrust* *yelp* *purrrrrrrrr*
"It seems not." *moan* *swear* "Yes, you're definitely a virgin."
"Past tense." *pant* *hump* *purrrrr* *repeat* *repeat* *repeat* *you get the idea*
*Hogwarts experiences minor earthquake* *translation--the earth moves*
*twice*
Snape sighed. "It was worth the wait."
"Well, you know I've had guys use the old argument of 'Why do you keep waiting? It's never going to live up to what you have built up in your mind' argument."
"Yes?"
"They were wrooooong. That was verrah, verrah nice."
"You're welcome."
*pause* "Of course, I have no past experience with which to compare."
"Give me an hour or two to nap, and you can."
*snuggle* "I can be patient for a good cause."
"What is it?" Neville wrung his hands. "Is he hexed?"
Dumbledore sighed. "No, it's something much more natural than that."
"Did he get stung by a bee?"
"No, but bees were involved--birds, too, I should imagine." Dumbledore raised his voice and spoke to the unicorn. "It's no use taking on like that. It was bound to happen, sooner or later." The unicorn snorted, turned his back on the school, and kicked clods of dirt back at it before trotting back into the woods.
"I don't understand," said Neville plaintively.
Dumbledore hesitated. There was a pop of sparks, and Strife appeared. "Want me ta take this one?"
"Oh, dear..."
There was another pop of sparks, pink this time, and Aphrodite appeared. "Don't worry. I'll make sure he isn't scarred for life."
"Then if you would, please."
As Dumbledore walked away he heard Aphrodite saying, "Okay, first thing--girls are built different from guys. See? Boobs..."
