I suppose that the inside of toilet bowls all look pretty much the same, except those funky designer colored ones. I'm glad the one in Jerry's cabin our cabin is traditional white. Somehow I think that staring at beige or blue or avocado green porcelain would have made me even more nauseous. But it was a plain white, shiny bowl I was heaving into. I'd been seeing a good bit of it lately.

The first few times it had hit me, Jerry had been off somewhere on an errand. The last time I'd passed it off as too much to eat. I couldn't do that this time, since I hadn't even had breakfast yet. In fact, I'd had to bolt naked out of Jerry's arms to keep from decorating the both of us.

After a last gush of nothing but bile, I sat back on my heels, head spinning. I was too dizzy to be startled when Jerry appeared pretty much out of nowhere and wiped my face with a damp cloth.

"Don't be tryin' to tell me it's too much pie and ice cream this time. I can understand why pistachio ice cream and cherry pie would give you the heaves, but all you had last night was soup." He felt my forehead, then bent down and planted a long, thoughtful kiss on my brow. "Well, you don't feel feverish. We'd better go see Lally, though," he said, helping me to my feet.

"Jerry, please quit coming into the bathroom like that."

"I was worried. I am worried."

"I'll call you if anything is really wrong. I don't like anyone seeing me sick like that. It's so ugly." He kissed me, hand wandering down to cup my bare bottom. "You're the only woman alive who can still manage to look sexy while she's upchucking."

I groaned. "Terrific. Now I have to worry about you jumping my bones while I'm puking." "Why should then be different from any other time?" True. I'd lost count of the number of times we'd had sex. To be precise, I had sex. Jerry made love. I couldn't deny that, even to myself. He nibbled my ear, then pushed me toward the dresser. "Dress warm."

Lally and Justine had been busy, and I had a fair number of garments to choose from now. I layered on two flannel shirts, and chose a pair of pants with an elastic waistband, instead of one that fastened. I'd been feeling a little bloated the last few days. I was pretty sure I was about to get my period. I was also starved the last week, but aside from that, I wasn't having the usual PMS symptoms. My complexion was still clear, no cramps, and as to the hormonal mood swings--how the hell could I tell in this situation?

They'd found an old pair of Jerry's boots that fit fairly well when I wore thick socks, so I was allowed to take the walk under my own power. Jerry preceded me to Ron and Lally’s cabin, breaking a trail.

They were finishing up breakfast when we arrived. "You two are out and about early," Ron observed.

"She's sick again," Jerry said before I could answer.

"Just a little whoopsie," I protested.

Lally immediately went into their bathroom and returned, shaking down a thermometer. I let her pop it under my tongue, and mumbled, "It's nothing, really. I..." Jerry reached over and gently held my jaws shut.

I waited, and Lally eventually took the thermometer and read it. "It's up just a touch. Nothing to worry about. I can give you something for your tummy, and we'll see if it gets better. Come back with me." I followed her back to the bathroom, leaving Jerry getting himself a cup of coffee.

Lally took a small bottle of pills out of a stuffed medicine chest. This was their personal supply. The communal stockpile, looted from a pharmacy several months earlier, was on several long shelves in the main pantry.

As I looked at the bottle, Lally shut the door quietly. I looked up curiously to find her smiling at me. "When are you going to tell Jerry?"

I was puzzled. "He's already seen me puking."

She shook her head, as if in amused exasperation. "No, honey. When are you going to tell him you're pregnant?"

There was a rattling chunk as I dropped the bottle. I felt numb all over. I whispered, "Lally, don't say that--not even as a joke."

Her smile faded. "But Scribe, it's such good news. Think of it, a baby! Ron and me have been trying for ages."

"Yeah, you've been trying, but me, Lally? I..." I choked on the words. I sat on the edge of the bathtub, putting my head in my hands. I started to cry.

"Honey, don't!" She sat beside me, putting an arm around my shoulders. "It's the hormones kicking in. I should have known when Jerry told me about the cherry pie and pistachio ice cream ala mode. Justine... I swear to God that woman ate sardines and peanut butter when she was having Jacob. You don't need to worry. I can midwife, and..."

"Stop it!" My voice was shriller than I had intended. She looked mildly hurt. "Lord, everyone still insists on acting like this is a normal situation. Any way, I can't be pregnant."

She looked at me shrewdly. "Jerry been using protection?" I flushed, shaking my head. "I know you haven't gotten any spermicidal products. It's been over a month, Scribe. Your period should have shown if you're not knocked up."

"I never have been really punctual. The last year it's been on and off. I've skipped a month before. I'm going through menopause. That has to be it."

Lally looked skeptical. "You're kind of young for that."

"But it's not unheard of."

"No, but I'd think it's more likely that you're pregnant. I just wish I'd had the boys pick up some EPTs." Lally was quiet for a moment, then said, "I hope you are pregnant." I groaned miserably. "I do. Can't you tell how bad Jerry wants to be a daddy?"

I could. Jerry doted on his niece and nephews. He always had time for them, always listened patiently to whatever rambling the boys had, even when it was Jacob's preverbal babble. And the look on his face when he held Janelle was one of the tenderest, most beautiful things I'd ever seen.

Yes, I thought. Jerry would be a good father. But not with me. I stifled a wild, bitter laugh at the pun that came to mind. It was inconceivable.

Lally asked, "You don't want children?"

I bit my lip. "I didn't say that. I used to think I'd have kids. I love them. But I just kept getting older, and I never met anyone I wanted to date, much less breed with."

"Then you just don't want Jerry's child."

I stood up and paced the few steps the cramped room would allow. "It's not like that, either. For God's sake, Lally, you know my situation. I...I don't hate Jerry. I even like him now, but this is just impossible. What if I had his baby? What would I tell my daughter or son when they got old enough to ask how mommy and daddy met and fell in love? Well, baby, Daddy can't show his face too much because he might be arrested for kidnaping and raping Mommy." Lally winced. "Oh, grow up, Lally. That's what happened, no matter how you want to label it."

I kept pacing. "And what happens when they finally figure out where I am, and come for me? There I'd be, out to here, or with a baby on my hip, watching Jerry hauled off in handcuffs. Sitting in the courtroom while they try him with our baby on my lap. Holding a paper over his head so the damn news vultures can’t get a photo of him. Or worse than that..." My voice trailed off. I had to swallow. "Seeing Jerry shot down by some FBI or ATF agent. What then?"

Lally stood and grabbed my shoulders. Staring into my eyes she said firmly, "That won't happen."

"You can't promise that, Lally. You Bellewoods have made a pretty good world for yourselves here. It feels safe and secure. But Lally, the outside world has a way of seeping in. And there's nothing you can do to stop it once it finds you."

From the look on her face, I could tell that she didn't find my arguments all that persuasive. "You really don't want this baby?"

I took a deep breath. "There is no baby."

"Scribe, don’t be mad at me, but I have to ask you this. If there is a baby... You wouldn't do anything... anything to yourself to try to lose it, would you?" I stared at her. "Scribe, when I worked in an emergency room in the city, I saw a girl come in who threw herself down a flight of stairs because she couldn't afford an abortion. She dropped the baby all right, but she never did walk right again. You wouldn't..."

"No, I wouldn't." She sighed in relief. "What would have happened it I said yes? Would Jerry have tied me to the bed till I delivered?" She winced, but didn't protest or deny. "Could I be alone for a few minutes?"

"Sure, hon."

As she turned the knob I said, "And Lally? Please, don't say anything to Jerry about this. Please."