I tapped my foot, looking around at the obviously uncomfortable group of divine and semi-divine beings. Only Jett and Jayce didn't seem to be too impressed. Figures. I think only Ares, Hades, or Phonos can really impress Jett, and Jayce... Um, Dite--maybe. "What is it with you people?" That got me a lot of stares. "I mean, come on. If every prophecy came true the world would have ended a few thousand times before it got to my time period, that is if the aliens didn't come and take us away first."

Ares sighed. "Scribe, the Fates are a little different from your Psychic Friends Hotline."

"How do you know about that?"

His eyes shifted. "I got bored while I was waiting around to contact you in the future, okay? And I wasn't all that impressed with them. They told me I had family problems." He snorted. "Big stretch. Who doesn't? Anyway, their pronouncements have to be taken seriously."

"Why?"

Silence. "They just do."

"No one can get away with using that argument with me except my mother. Her--I'll accept 'because I say so'." I gave Joxer a look. "Amazing how something that's slapped into your butt will get to your brain and lodge there." He nodded. I winced, and patted his cheek. "Sorry, sweetie. Anyway, do you have any examples of what happens when a prophecy is ignored?" There were mutters. Everyone was picking through their memory. When no one stepped forward to volunteer an answer I said, "Thought so. Y'all have all been too nervous to try and find out." I turned to Ares. "Take me home."

"Let me put it this way--a huge, drunken, naked barbarian, sporting an erection and a leer as he comes toward you, might not intend what you think he does, but do you really want to risk finding out, or do you run?"

"Point taken."

"Enough arguing," boomed Zeus.

I wiggled a finger in my ear. "Hey, Thunder--did anyone ever tell you that you could draw more attention with a whisper than a shout? Still, I suppose it would make sense to get down to the nitty-gritty." Silence. Stares. "Hey, a new record for me! I managed to confuse everyone in earshot. Let's find out what the Tartarus this is all about." I blinked, and looked at Joxer. "Did I just say 'Tartarus'?" He nodded. "Crap. This place is rubbing off on me. That's scary."

squeak!

That was a 'grabbed Joxer' squeak if I ever heard one. I turned around to smack Hercules, and was rather baffled to find him several yards away from Joxer, in some sort of heated debate with Iolaus. I looked at Joxer curiously. He was rubbing his butt, and staring at Ares with wondering eyes. Ares was studying his nails. Ares pinched Joxer's ass in the middle of all this chaos and all these relatives? Things were looking even more promising. "Let's hear what this so-called prediction was. I want to know what could possibly justify traveling several thousand miles and years to drag me back to this lunatic asylum."

"All right. The Fates told me that I had to bring my consort back from the future, from the land that was the greatest, and most prosperous of that age."

"Pretty non-specific, dude," I complained. "I'm a proud Texan, but even I can see room for interpretation there. Some people would have argued with you that you should have been cruising Tokyo. Can't you be a little more detailed?"

"I'll give it to you as best I remember it." Ares cleared his throat. "I..."

"Whoa." Judging from the looks I got, not many people dared to interrupt Ares. "'As best I remember it' does not cut it in this case. This concerns my life, now Joxer's life, and to hear you tell it, pretty much the Fate of Olympus, in capital letters. I, for one, want to hear it from the source." There were agreeing murmurs.

Ares did the eye-rolling bit again. "Very well. Herm..."

zip boom Flash!

I upchucked again. "I wish he wouldn't do that." Now I had Ares, Joxer, Jayce, and Jett all fussing over me. I was seated on the sofa again--let me repeat that--I did not sit--I was seated--as in someone picked me up and put me there. I was wiped, fanned, given a drink, petted, and in general fussed over worse than... I don't know. The closest I can come is the time my grandparents' elderly Chihuahua came down with a head cold. "Oh, geez, will you people calm down?! Even if I was pregnant it would only be by about two or three hours, and that's too damn soon for morning and motion sickness. I keep telling you, it's the abrupt arrivals and departures."

Jett wiggled his eyebrows. "Maybe you ate something that didn't agree with you?"

I smacked him, but not too hard. "That'd make your future considerably dimmer, wouldn't it? How long is this going to take?"

"It may be a minute or two," said Ares. "They'll probably need to tie some threads or something before they come."

"Yeah, well, point me toward the little goddesses room, will ya? I need a private moment or two."

Cupid pointed. "First door past the refreshment table."

"Refreshment table?"

"Hestia set it up the second she arrived. It's hard for her to go anywhere without feeding someone."

"Great. If I'm not back in time, just have someone bang on the door." I went. I pottied. I became even more convinced that I preferred tissues to cloths. The gods and goddesses were talking amongst themselves when I emerged, and I enjoyed the brief interval of not being the center of attention. I noticed that Ares was busy standing between Joxer and a still enamored Hercules. That looked promising. Dite was muttering over a scroll, occasionally shaking her hand so that pink sparks flew from her fingertips. I hoped sincerely that she was trying to reverse the whammy.

I was feeling pretty empty from my late tummy rebellion, so I scanned the table quickly, looking for something not to strange, and light--easy on the digestion. I was amazed and happy to see something familiar, something that I remembered with fond nostalgia from childhood instances of tummy trouble. It had been almost as prevalent as 7-Up. It didn't taste quite like I remembered it, but then, does anything when it's something you remember from your childhood? I scarfed a quick plate and immediately felt better. Much better. I strolled back to the group with a sense of well being that should have alerted me to something weird about to happen. Flashflashflashflash!

"Shit! Strobes! Disco lives!" I gasped.

Jayce patted my shoulder. "No, honey, eet's yust Hermees back with the Faytes. Hwhat ees thees Deesco, hany way? Is it like Deescord, or Dahok?"

"Some was discordant, and many people will tell you it is an invention of the devil himself, but neither." I eyed the three rather smug looking women--young, middle-aged, and cronish. "So, you're the interfering wenches who landed me on this vacation from heck. What gives?"

They grinned. "Welcome, Scribe," said the youngest.

"Writer of much excellent slash," said the middle-aged one.

"Creatress of the magnificent Clive," intoned the old one.

"Hubba hubba!" they chorused.

I blinked. "I'll be damned--the Fates are slash sluts." They nodded. "Tell me what the heck is going on or I never write another word.

Clotho shrugged. "Like you could ever keep that threat."

"Oooo, crap." "But we are here to make things as clear as we can," said Lachesis.

"Of course, you all know how clear that usually is," warned Atropos. The Pantheon groaned.

I pointed at Ares. "You sent Tall, Dark, Sexy, but Hard-headed to the future to snatch me back here?" They nodded. "I don't believe this. To be his consort?"

They exchanged looks. Clotho said, "Noooooot exactly."

"What?" Ares yelled. "Did you, or did you not, tell me I had to go to the future for my consort? That I would know the proper one when I found her? That I should bring her back, so that my destiny could be fulfilled, and the Twilight Averted?"

They were shaking their heads. "Kids," said Atropos. "They never listen closely."

Lachesis rolled her eyes. "They never follow instructions."

"What is going on here?" Ares snarled.

"I think they're telling you that they spoke in fine print, and you didn't bring your reading glasses," I said. "What--exactly--did you three say to him that set this mess off?"

They moved closer together, looking at each other. I swear to you that one of them silently counted out 'one, two, three...' before they started speaking together.

"The Twilight looms
and can be turned
by only one course
else is fair Olympus doomed."

"That doesn't rhyme," I whispered.

"Shhhhhh." Just about everyone.

"Well, it doesn't. And the meter sucks." Jett put his hand over my mouth. I bit him. He seemed to like it.

"War shall wed
one meek and mild
and thus shall be birthed
the saving child."

"I did better than this when I was in third grade. And I haven't heard anything yet to indicate why Ares felt compelled to take off and..." Strife put his hand over my mouth this time. I bit him, too, but he was wearing gloves, cuss him. Leather tastes nasty.

"But to find his destined love
War must travel long and far,
One shall be brought from ages hence,
and then shall War be shown the one."

"Oh, so it's supposed to be free verse after all. It still doesn't work."

"Scribe..." Ares's voice was flat.

"Shutting up now."

"Known, yet not known.
Loving, yet not speaking,
War's Consort will be revealed
when the Mistress of the Web comes to Olympus/takes her rightful place/finds her own mating."

The reason we have the slash thingies is that each Fate said something different right at the last. They all grimaced, and gave each other accusing looks. Clotho says, "I thought we agreed that..."

Atropos: "No, you agreed. I have always said that..."

Lachesis: "You're both wrong. I'm telling you that..."

Tweeeeeet! Strife had stuck two fingers in his mouth and gave a piercing whistle. That'll settle things down every time. "Ya mean ta tell me that you three prophetic broads can't agree on tha fuckin prediction?"

"On most of it," Atropos objected.

"It's just that last line," sighed Clotho.

"We all get something different on it," explained Lachesis.

"But that's alla it?" They nodded. "Which line didya feed Unc?"

"Uhhhhh..." Greek chorus time again.

"Do not fuckin tell me that ya don't remembah?"

"Well..."

"Are you sure that these women don't work in some capacity for the government?" I said sourly.

"If I had heard Mistress of the Web, I would have thought of Arachne," said Ares. "I wasn't about to marry a spider--not even to prevent the Twilight. I'd have found some other way."

"You know, by a stretch I could be said to be..." I trailed off when everyone looked at me. "Never mind."

Strife threw an arm around my shoulders. "Spill. I wouldn't wanna hafta get aftah ya, toots, but... Let's just say that you'd become intimately acquainted with various nasty smell causin situations."

I sighed. "Okay, there's this thing called the World Wide Web in my time--a sort of communication network. If you have a site that you run on it, you're called a webmaster if you're a guy, and a webmistress if you're a woman."

Strife squeezed. "Annnd?"

"And I have, um, somewhere around four--that I remember. There are probably a few I started, then forgot about."

"So, yer tha Mistress of the Web."

"I'm A Mistress of the Web, not the Mistress of the Web."

"Semantics, semantics. Yer on Olympus."

"And you've found your mate, and will soon take your rightful place," said Ares firmly. "All parts of the prophecy fulfilled. We get married, you have my baby, Twilight averted, Olympus saved, case closed."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait! You're supposed to marry someone meek and mild." I put my hands on my hips. "Well?"

Silence. Jett said, "She's got ya there."

"They may be talking about in comparison," said Ares stubbornly. "After all, compared to Eris, or Xena, or Gabrielle..."

"Hey!" yelled Gabby. "I resent that! I'm the most peaceful, pacifistic, unassuming..." her voice was rising to banshee levels. Jett grabbed her--Jayce used a scarf to gag her. Xena looked at the ceiling and whistled.

"Is there a written copy of that nonsense?" I said.

Hermes handed over a scroll. "Gotta keep records of official functions."

"Thanks. Let me sit down with this for a minute." I sat and began to read.

Zeus rumbled, "It seems perfectly clear to me. The mortal must marry Ares and bear his child. Simple enough. Any fool can understand that."

"I could comment, but I'd rather not have a lightning bolt hurled at my head," I said. "Will you people give me a minute? There's bound to be a loophole or overlooked meaning in this thing. I'll find it."

"And what makes you think you can when the gods of Olympus are satisfied?" sneered Zeus.

"Several dozen hours of upper level lit courses spent studying obscure meanings, and years of reading and interpreting service contracts. Now, let me think. I'm already seeing possibilities here."

I read. I thought like a college senior writing a term paper, and a trapped consumer trying to weasel out of a raw deal. Finally I said, "Ha."

"I'm glad you can laugh about this now," said Ares. "Are you going to wear white, even after that incident at the Temple of Love?"

"I'm not getting married, Ares. Not right away, and not to you anyway. I'm not your destined consort."

"But the prophecy..."

"Let's take this bit by bit, shall we? First verse, okay, no argument there. Just lays out the premise that the Twilight is imminent, and needs to be headed off. Second verse--You have to get married--clear enough. But please notice that no gender pronouns were used. They said you'd marry 'one' meek and mild. We've already agreed that I'm anything but, and 'one' could refer to anyone--of either gender."

Zeus said, "But they're talking marriage. Men and women get married." Flap! The gust of wind from Cupid's angry flap of wings blew Zeus's hair back. Strife looked like he was contemplating insuring that Zeus's next extramarital encounter was interrupted by a swarm of bees. "In--most cases. But she raises an interesting point."

"Yes," Ares protested. "But they said the one I wed would bear my child."

"Uh, hello?" I pointed at Strife, who immediately cradled his arms and made rocking motions. I pointed at Athena, and Zeus winced, rubbing his head. "Anyway, it didn't say anything about the consort doing the childbearing. It just said that thus would be birthed the saving child. How ya feel about motherhood?"

Ares turned a little pale. Strife clapped him on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Unc. The pain ain't all that much. Well, it don't seem like all that much, aftah you've been dead, like I have."

"Okay," I continued. "Third verse, and I think this is the one that proves my case. "To find your destined love you have to travel long and far, right?"

"Yes, and I have to say I had to really stretch to get to the place and time that felt right. Then I set up the identity, and initiated that fool contest, knowing that the one I needed would be lured to it."

"I'm not going to ask you how--it's obviously just a plot point. But Ares, it didn't say that I was your destined love. It said that someone would be brought back who would show you the way." I grinned. "I'm not the one."

Dite was concentrating really hard. You could almost see the candle pop into existence over her head. She gasped. "You mean that you're...?"

"Yep. Just call me Dolly Levi, people. I'm the matchmaker."