"Um, Goddess Scribe?"

I sighed, not looking up. "Done told ya, Docker, I'm not a goddess."

"Joxer. Okay, then demi-goddess, if you prefer, though I've never seen one with powers like you have."

I raised my head to look at him. "What powers? Certainly can't be powers of observation, because it took me long enough to figure out I was no longer in my own damn year... or dimension... or universe. Whatever. Crap, I'm confusing myself."

"I do that sometimes. Anyway, I was just going to say that if you don't have your own temple nearby to sleep in, maybe you'd like to come back to the camp with me? I'm sure that Xena and Gabrielle won't mind." He thought for a minute. "Well, Gabrielle might, but Xena has the final word."

I sighed. "I suppose that's as good a plan as any. If I just sit out here I might get eaten by a satyr or something."

"Oh, you wouldn't have to worry about a satyr eating you. No, but he would..." I was staring at him. He trailed off, blushing. "Unless you meant eating in the sense of..." I cocked an eyebrow at him. He cleared his throat. "Y'see, some of Meg's girls like, uh... I think maybe I better stop before you blast me with a power ball."

"Never had any luck at Powerball myself, though I DID buy a few chances when the jackpot got up to 125 million. I usually just buy the scratch offs. Anyway, what you said."

"Huh?"

I stood up. "You lead--I'm hopeless with directions. I get lost in doctors' offices."

"This way." He led me across the road and into the trees. He was right about the goats. I had to swerve more than a slalom racer to get across unbesmirched. Joxer kept up a running commentary. "I hope you don't mind not staying in a tavern, but Xena decided to conserve a little of our cash by spending the last night of the trip outside the city, and we found a good camping spot. Clear, grassy area, with lots of wood and water nearby. Xena was fishing when I left, and she already had a pretty good string, and I think Gabrielle will probably have a rabbit from one of her snares, so there should be plenty of food."

As we walked, I considered. *Joxer, Xena, Gabrielle, Temple of Ares... Oh, damn all fanfiction clichés, I've landed my butt in the Xenaverse. If I had to fall into a fictional dimension, why couldn't it have been X Files? At least I'd have indoor plumbing, air conditioning, and flights back to Texas.*

We entered a small clearing, and there was a cheerful fire crackling in a ring of stones. A brunette was sitting on a saddle, sharpening a sword. *A sword. A fucking sword, that has undoubtedly killed people. Maybe I should've stayed at the temple.* A smaller blonde was tending something on a green twig rack over the fire. *God, leather, leather everywhere.*

The two women looked up alertly. Gabrielle's hand dropped down to hover over her staff. I held up my hands, palm out. *When people are armed and nervous, immediately let 'em know you're harmless.* "Hiya. Here on invitation. No threat." I paused, considering some of my writing. "Well, to anything but your sensibilities, anyway."

Joxer said, "Xena, Gabrielle, this is Scribe, Goddess of..." He looked at me expectantly.

"Oh, what the hell. Goddess of Serialized Internet Smutfiction. It's limited, but it's mine. At least I don't think anyone around here and now will challenge me for the title."

Gabrielle sighed, going back to tend her cooking. "Joxer, when are you going to stop picking up strays?"

"I resent that, Blondie. I'm not a stray, I'm a lost."

Xena sat back down and resumed her task. "All right, we can help you get home. Where's home?"

"Winnie, Texas."

They all stared at me. Joxer finally said, "Is that anywhere near Thebes?"

"Um, no. I'm not sure how many thousands of miles away it is. I never felt the urge to look up the distance on the How Far Is It? website." They all stared again. "You know, I don't stand on ceremony, but this staring is a little rude."

Xena shrugged. "If you're going to go around dressed as a man, you have to expect that."

"Oh, and this from a woman wearing leather battle gear and a sword. Besides, these are Venezia jeans, a work shirt from the Delta Burke collection, and I bought the Nikes at LADY Footlocker, so there."

Gabrielle frowned. "Have you, like, hit your head recently?"

Joxer piped up. "No, I think she landed in the ceremonial pool bottom first."

Now Xena and Gabrielle stared at HIM. Xena said slowly, "What ceremonial pool?"

Gabrielle looked threatening. "The only temple anywhere near here is dedicated to Ares."

I (finally) looked up alertly. "Say, would this Ares person happen to be tall, dark, dark eyed, bearded, devastatingly sexy, with a slightly overwhelming aura of self-assurance bleeding into arrogance? Got that 'I want it, it's mine, screw you if you don't like the idea' attitude?"

They all three nodded. Xena contributed, "Ares--War, you know?"

I sat down, putting my head in my hands again. "I do now. Ares--Reas. When the hell will I learn never to agree to anything if I haven't had some caffeine?" I groaned as a thought struck me. "Oh, God, no Diet Coke. No iced tea. No Kool-Ade. Iffy water."

Gabrielle said, "I don't know what any of those things you named are, except the water, but there's no point in moaning because you can't have it."

"Stuff it," I said shortly. "Don't give me the 'shut up and make do' speech, okay? Hey, I know that I'm in relative good health (as long as you don't worry about that mental thing), I'm not blind or crippled or deaf. I'm not bleeding. I'm not in prison or the hospital. I'm not wanted by the FBI or the IRS, nor am I on the front page of the tabloids. I'm just saying that for an Anglo-Saxon, over thirty woman I'm not having a good day! Shut up and let me feel sorry for myself for a little while. I've earned it." They blinked at me. "I'm a soft, spoiled twenty-first century woman, and I like it that way."

Gabrielle said, "What do you mean, twenty-first century? Where are you counting from?"

"Oh, look, I can't explain this to you! How can I explain A.D. to someone who's still B.C. and I'm sounding more and more screwy, aren't I?"

Joxer got a skin bottle out of his pack and brought it to me. "Here, maybe a drink will help."

I took it. "Thanks, sweetie." I gave myself a faceful of water. "Well, that was refreshing--not. Is there a trick to this?"

"Point carefully and make sure your mouth is open before you tilt it."

On the second try I managed to get most of it in my mouth and a minimum down my cleavage, not that it made much different, since I was still wet. "You're a good host," I told him. I arched an eyebrow. "unlike some people."

Gabrielle flushed. "The food is almost done. Joxer, did you get those leaves, like I asked?"

Joxer flushed. "Um, I forgot."

"We need those to eat off. I ask you to do one thing..." she growled.

"Will you quit sniping at him?! He was justifiably distracted," I growled right back.

Joxer said anxiously, "Don't zap her!"

Xena looked interested. "Zap?"

"Xena," Joxer said, "I know you're pretty bold about how you talk to the gods, but you really should be careful when you meet one for the first time. Now, Goddess Scribe seems to be a remarkably tolerant and good natured deity, but..."

"Deity?" Gabrielle gaped.

"Locker, I only zap people verbally, and I was just joking with you before. I'm NOT a goddess."

"Joxer. But I've never known anyone who wasn't a deity who could just appear out of thin air."

I stood up. "Howsabout we go find these leaves that Bardgirl wants?"

"Oh," he said, "You don't have to..."

"C'mon." I tugged him toward the woods again. "I want to help. Besides, I need you to show me some safe vegetation. There isn't any Charmin around here, and the problem IS going to come up at some point."

"Who's Charmin?"

"Someone who doesn't like to be squeezed."

Joxer nodded understandingly. "Must be an Amazon."

"Possibly. Anyway..." We headed into the woods. "Okay, you know the little bodily functions that we all, male and female, have to deal with?"

"Sneezing?"

"That's one of them, but I can wipe my nose on my sleeve. Try to think of another thing that would require wiping part of your body, but you probably wouldn't want to use your garments."

"Sweating?" I looked at him. He blushed. "Oh. Oh! And you want to learn the right kind of leaves or grass for...?"

"I don't want to end up with poison oak or ivy in a sensitive place, yes."

"Yes, you'd better learn that right now. Okay, don't use that one there, whatever you do."

"Hacker, it has thorns."

"Joxer. Yeah." He shuddered. "I'd rather not think about the time I grabbed some of that on a moonless night. Try to find some of this stuff instead. It works well, and it's fresh smelling, too. Oh, here are the leaves Gabrielle wanted. See? Broad and sturdy enough to put the food on, and not poisonous."

"That would be a characteristic to look for." We started back toward the camp. "Hey, who shoved a stick up the cook's butt? She's not the most friendly, hospitable person I've ever run into."

"Gabrielle? She doesn't really mean it."

"Then why does she do it? I mean, Xena isn't exactly the Welcome Wagon Lady, but at least she wasn't openly snotty."

"Gabrielle isn't really like that. It's just that I sort of rub her the wrong way. If you'd come in on your own, I'm sure you'd have been welcomed without hesitation."

I stared at him. "She's got an attitude because I came with you? Do you consider that an acceptable explanation?"

"Well..."

"Jackson, from what I've seen so far you're a nice guy. A little dorky, yes, but I've always kinda liked dorky, having been a semi-geek myself in high school. You haven't been, like, pinching her butt, or anything, to get her P.O'ed with you?"

"Joxer. No, I'd never do that. I mean," he gave me what I think was supposed to be a suave look, "I'm a lover, but I'm also a gentleman."

"Very cool. Mocker..."

"Joxer. Yes?"

"You are aware that I'm doing the thing with your name on purpose, aren't you?"

"Um..."

"You didn't really believe that I couldn't remember your name, did you? I mean, I'd have to be deaf, stupid, or incredibly insensitive and self-centered. Which did you think I was?"

He looked flustered. "None of those. I just... I'm not used to..." His voice dropped, and he looked down. "Sometimes I don't seem to really register with people, except as an annoyance."

I threw an arm around his shoulder as we approached the camp. "You ain't been hanging around with the right people, m'man."

He gaped. "Your man?"

"It's an expression, Joxer, an expression. Like, if I was to stand up in the prow of a ship and throw my arms wide open and yell I'm king of the world! it wouldn't actually mean I was, or I thought I was."

"Of course not. You're a woman, so the proper term would be 'queen'."

"I'm not even going to try to explain Leo DiCapprio to you. Hell, I can't explain him to myself."

We approached the little clearing to find Xena and Gabrielle standing tensely, side by side, weapons in hand, facing down a tall, leather clad figure, who was standing with his back to us. Xena didn't take her eyes off the man, but her voice rose in pitch. "I'm telling you that she isn't here, whoever she is."

I very quietly stepped back into the trees and crouched as low as I could. Joxer stood still. I could see him eyeing the distance to his pack, where his sword lay. I sent him telepathic orders not to do anything stupid. Unfortunately Gabrielle seemed to intercept the transmission, and scramble it to 'do something stupid', because she looked right at Joxer and gave her head a slight jerk toward the trees. The visitor, being neither blind nor stupid, immediately turned around, his right hand suddenly coated with what looked like crackling red static electricity.

Joxer's mouth fell open, then he bowed. "My god."

The clothes were a little different (even more leather, but somehow covering less flesh), but the face and the attitude were familiar. Reas, otherwise known as Ares. He examined the mismatched armor, then said, "Is there a costume party, and I just didn't get invited?"

Joxer's voice was respectful. "I am Joxer the Mighty, great Ares, your humble follower."

The crackle and sparkles died away. "The Mighty? You? A warrior?"

*Joxer--Rodney Dangerfield of BC Greece. He can't get no respect.*

Ares turned his back on Joxer. Another dig. In a tense situation like this, a warrior would never turn his back on anyone he considered a threat. "Look, Xena, I know for a fact that she landed in my temple. I had to send her somewhere so suddenly that I wasn't even sure she'd make a safe landing. I had to take a few minutes to chase down and deal with the idiot who caused her accident." In the firelight, I could see his cruel smile. "I'd like to see how they explain that mess I made. Well, she wasn't there, so that means she was either healthy enough to wander off, or someone took her, and I run across you. Have you got her stashed somewhere?"

Gabrielle scowled at him. "What makes you think that we'd bother with your bed toy, Ares?"

I held down an indignant growl. I wouldn't have minded if I thought that Gabby was just putting it on to fool Ares, but I had the feeling she meant it.

"Oh, she's more than just a bed toy, Scribbler."

"What makes her any different from any other poor woman you've randomly abducted to satisfy your lust, Ares?" asked Xena.

"Oh, please. Act impulsively a few dozen times and look at the reputation you get. I don't feel inclined to tell you. All right, maybe she followed the road to town. I'll check there next. If you find her before I do, hang onto her and give me a call. I'll make it worth your while."

Gabrielle was trying to look scornful, but some interest peeked through. "How?"

"I won't kill you."

*FLASH!* 

Red sparkles, and he was gone. Everyone was silent for a moment, looking around cautiously. Finally Xena said, "It should be safe."

Joxer came over to me. "You can come out now."

"I don't think so. I'm actually pretty comfortable here. There aren't very many bugs or twigs... Oh look, a snake. I think I'll move--quickly." I did. I managed to stop before I ran out the other side of the clearing.

Gabrielle pointed her staff at me. "What does Ares want with you?"

"My secret recipe for chicken salad." Gabrielle scowled. "And put down that darn stick unless you intend to pole vault with it."

"Gabrielle," Xena said, "the fish is going to burn." Gabrielle put down her stick and rescued the food. "Scribe, sit down before you faint."

"I don't faint." But I sat down. "Besides, considering what I've been through, I'd have a perfect right to faint."

Xena sat beside me. "How did you manage to attract Ares's attention?"

"I was stupid enough to enter a radio contest and smart enough to win."

"A what contest?"

"Oh, for heaven's... Let me ask you something--do you have a tendency to burn people at the stake or other nasty activities if you don't understand them, and think they might be a witch, or something?"

Xena rubbed her jaw, studying me. "Not unless they're a menace to others."

"Glad to hear it. I'm a menace only to myself. I'm going to try to save myself future explanations." I raised my voice. "Listen up, people!" Joxer and Gabrielle looked over. "I'm from the future--two thousand years, give or take a century, and a country several thousand miles away that hasn't been discovered yet. I'm here by accident, and I'd really, really like to go home, time and space wise, so if you have any ideas, I'd appreciate it if you'd speak up." Silence. A cricket chirped. I sighed. "Thought so."

Joxer said carefully, "It isn't that we don't believe you..."

"But it's unbelievable," Gabrielle said flatly.

I threw up my hands. "Y'all can believe gods and goddesses of all sorts, winged horses, minotaurs, harpies, hydras, shades, spells, people coming back from the dead on a more or less regular basis, and you have trouble believing my story?"

Joxer looked thoughtful. "She has a point."

Xena said, "All right, we'll take it as a given that you're from the future. Why did Ares bring you here?"

I scowled. "Damned if I know. He was pretty horny, but it hardly seemed necessary to go through so much trouble. I mean, I was fast running out of places to run. I think it was something of a spur of the moment thing. I was in the process of falling down a flight of stairs. I think he sort of zapped me before I could hit bottom."

Gabrielle was doling food out on the leaves. "Whatever. Let's eat before it gets cold. His reasons won't have changed by tomorrow."

I sat by Joxer, took my leaf, and examined its contents. The fish I recognized. It was minus guts and scales, but otherwise intact. I just love food that can look back at me. There was also something that looked like... Well, I don't know. Undifferentiated animal protein. I elbowed him and pointed at it. "What?"

Joxer looked. "That's a haunch."

"Okay. A haunch of what?"

"Rabbit."

I know I had a pained expression. "Oh, no. Poor Peter Cottontail. Here." I transferred the lump to Joxer's leaf. "Have at."

He tried to hand it back. "Oh, no, I couldn't! You'll need your strength."

"Joxer, please. I can't eat that. Someone tried to sneak squirrel past on me once, but I found out in time. I'll eat the fish."

"Well, here, take my fish, then."

"Okay." I giggled.

He smiled, "What?"

"It's just that I haven't swapped lunch with someone since junior high. You wouldn't happen to have a pudding cup, would you?"

"Will you two just eat?" Gabrielle groused.

"Oh, hush, Blondie." The fish tasted pretty good, once I got around the bones, and I was getting in a better mood. "We're having fun, and it's no skin off your probiscus. By the way, thanks for cooking. It's pretty good."

She looked a little surprised. "Thank you."

"I can cook, too, but only if I have a gas stove and a can opener."

Joxer stopped chewing for a moment. "What's a can?"

I sighed. "Um, airtight metal containers that hold food."

"Airtight?"

"I'll explain it some other time. It's not anything vital right now."

Xena pointed at my fish remains. "You're letting a lot go to waste."

"You're welcome to it, if you want it, but I'm not eating the head. That's a little too Dogpatch for me."

Gabrielle scolded, "Some day you'll want that. You'll be without food and..."

"...and there are starving children in China who'd be grateful to have my spinach. I know, Mom, I know. You can tell me 'I told you so' when that happens. In the meantime..." I flipped the fish remains into the fire, like the others had, then took a bite of the leaf it had been sitting on. That got me stares. "What? You don't believe in salads?" I munched. It wasn't too bad, especially with the fish juice. I swallowed. "I used to eat the parsley garnish, and Joxer said it was non-toxic."

Gabrielle said, "It's also an excellent laxative, if you need one."

I spit out the second mouthful I'd taken and sighed. "My life just gets better and better."