I dropped the leaf. "I suppose it's a good thing that I got you to show me the local safe vegetation, Joxer. It seems I'll be needing it soon. So tell me, is there some protocol about direction, distance, or location?"

Gabrielle frowned. "You act like you've never done this before."

"Look, aside from a camping trip when I was too far from the public restrooms at the camp ground and one incident on a marathon car trip when I was about eight which I would rather forget, the situation never came up. I rate indoor flush toilets as the second greatest manmade invention ever." I looked at Joxer. "I rank air conditioning as the first. I'm from Southeast Texas."

"I'd say anywhere concealed, downwind, and where people are unlikely to step in it," he offered.

"Imminently sensible." I went to the outer rim of the clearing and started plucking handfuls of likely looking vegetation. I brought it back and made a little pile. Xena and Gabrielle were staring at me. "You've obviously never been trapped in a stall with an empty spindle. I have. Not pleasant."

"You don't make a lot of sense," Xena said. "Are you sure you don't belong to Strife?"

"Who?" Again looks. "Oh, yeah, right. God of Mischief. What makes you think that? It isn't as if I've really caused you any problems--yet."

"You're acting a little nuts," Gabrielle said bluntly.

"Thank you." More stares. "I find unrelieved sanity boring." I looked at Joxer. "Don't you?" He nodded, helmet wobbling. "You're sweet." Joxer smiled. Gabrielle made a face, and I caught it. "You're not."

"It's time for bed." Xena rummaged in her pack. "I have a spare blanket for her. Gabrielle, how about you?"

Gabrielle was looking grumpy, and Joxer said quickly, "I have an extra. You can have it, Goddess Scribe, till we can get you your own in town."

"Such a gentleman." I patted Joxer on the arm as he handed me the blanket. "But sweetie, quit calling me a goddess. People will expect me to do magic, and I can't even do the 'guess your card' trick."

Xena handed me a blanket, and the others started spreading them on the ground. I stood there, watching. Xena said, "Come on."

"Something just occurred to me. This is the very same ground that I lately saw a snake on."

"Don't worry," said Joxer. "They don't come around the fire. Well... hardly ever."

"Maybe I ought to get some of those thorny things and put them around my bed."

Gabrielle snorted. "Snakes have protective scales."

"Thank you for that observation, Jeff Corey. Have you often seen them slithering on the thorny branches?"

"Um... no."

"Check. Does anyone have some heavy gloves I could borrow?" Multiple head shakes. "Drat. Oh, well, better thorns in the thumbs than fangs in the bum." I started back toward the trees. Something howled in the distance. "Or maybe not." I started spreading out my blanket.

Joxer said, "I can spread my roll between you and the trees. That should keep any of them that come out of the woods away from you." He shuffled his feet. "That is, if you wouldn't mind having me sleeping next to you."

"Why would I mind that?"

He seemed surprised. "Well..."

"You don't intend to migrate during the night without asking permission, do you?"

"Oh, no!"

"Fine." I sat down on what was now my blanket. Joxer took off his helmet, then started to unlace his breast plate. I couldn't help it. I started singing 'The Stripper'. "Duh duh dum, da duh duh dum..." He paused, looking at me curiously. I smiled. He started unlacing again. "Duh duh dum, da duh da duh duh duh dah..." He stopped, I stopped. I smiled. He pulled off the breast plate and dropped it. "Dum. BAM!" He started to take off a shin guard. "Dum." He dropped it. "BAM!" He was starting to smile, shifting his hips in time to the 'music'. "Da duh..." He took off the other shin guard. "BAM!" He bumped his hips. "BAM! Do a grind!" I made a sound that I fondly believed approximated the growl of brass. "Rrrraaahdada, rrrrahdada, rrrrrrraaaaaaah..." He put his hands behind his head and did a grind that Gypsy Rose Lee would have been proud of.

I jumped up and yelled, "Take it off!"

"No!" It was a chorus from Xena and Gabrielle.

I stuck my tongue out at them. "Spoil sports." Joxer had stopped, and was blushing. I grinned at him. "Whoo, and you're stone cold sober. I'd like to see you after a few tequila shooters."

"What's tequila?" he asked as we both sat back down.

"Depending on who you talk to, either nectar or delayed action poison. There's a saying--one tequila, I'm handsome. Two tequilas, I'm witty, three tequilas, I'm bulletproof. Four tequilas, I'm invisible."

"Sounds like some mead I've run into. What are bullets?"

I ignored the question. Hell, I'M not too sure of how guns work. "Or one is fine, two's the most, three, under the table, four, under the host." He chuckled. "Like that one? I got it from 'Are You Being Served?'"

"Sounded like someone was being served," Gabrielle muttered.

I gave her an arch look. "If you must snark, be accurate. The term is 'serviced', not 'served'." I looked back at Joxer. "Lots of upper level English courses--nothing else to do with them."

He frowned. "What's English?"

I flopped back on the blanket with a sigh. "Oooh, it's a whole 'nother world here." I felt an (unfortunately) familiar bubbling sensation in my abdomen. "But certain physical laws still apply." I stood up, grabbing a handful of leaves, and started toward the trees. I hesitated, then went back to the bed roll and grabbed a second handful. "Just in case." Then I went into the trees, and no, I will not go into details about what transpired. You know damn good and well what happened. Luckily two handfuls were enough. The process wasn't as messy as I had feared. A bit of natures own sanitizer (that's spit for those who haven't guessed) on the hands and some clean grass, and I... Well, I didn't feel too groady, but I was thinking fondly of that pool I'd fallen into.

I went back to the clearing. Xena and Gabrielle were already lying down close to each other. Gabrielle lifted up a little, watching me, and I said, "So help me, if you sniff, I'll think of something really nasty to do to you." She laid back down.

I crawled into my bed roll. Joxer looked at me sympathetically. "Feeling better?"

"I've been worse. I have to remember that stuff for if I ever get the opposite problem."

"Next time ask me before you eat it. I'm good at remembering what's poison and what isn't." He thought for a minute. "Except with mushrooms. Better avoid those, to be on the safe side."

"Gotcha. Night night, Jox. Sweet dreams."

"May Morpheus bring you nothing but pleasant fantasies."

"Thanks, hon. You know, I'd wish to wake up and find out that this had all been a dream if not for two things."

"What are they?"

"One, I wouldn't have met you, and you're a pretty cool person. Two, I loath 'it was all just a dream' endings."

The ground was hard (well, compared to my Posturepedic), there were weird noises, and an occasional bug, but I was exhausted. For the first time in my life I fell asleep outside, under the night sky, on the ground.

Everyone talks about how peaceful and quiet the woods are. Hah! Give me motors, barking dogs, and car alarms any day of the week. The sounds in the woods may be quieter, but every teeny little crackle and thud has so many unpleasant possible sources that it more than makes up for the lower decibels.

I must've dozed off a half dozen times, and jerked awake just as many times. Then I heard a few sounds that were familiar. They were familiar because I watch a lot of pay-per-view, and... Well, since Ellen Degeneres it's gotten to be sorta fashionable, ya know. I guess I shouldn't have, but I peeked across the campfire. Only one of the bedrolls was occupied, but it wasn't because someone was off in the bushes answering the call of nature. A different sort of call of nature was being answered. The covering blanket heaved and rolled, and there was an occasional glimpse of blonde hair. Funny, I would have expected Xena to be on top.

*Geez, cheesy 70s porn movie plot number 365, two hot babes out camping get it on while their companions sleep. And yep, I even fit in because someone always wakes up and catches them. Well, here's where we break with Penthouse plotting--I ain't joining in or abusing myself.*

Instead I turned over, facing the other way, making as much noise as possible. Immediately the rustling, moaning, and sighing stopped. There was a brief, frantic whispering, then silence. *Applied--one wet blanket. And if you hadn't been so snotty, Gabster, I'd have just squeezed my eyes shut and ignored it.* This time I was heading for real slumber. *I wonder what the female equivalent of blue balls is?*

There was a little gray light filtering down through the leaves when I felt a timid touch on my shoulder. I kept my eyes shut. Sure, it wasn't the best resting place I'd ever had, but that didn't mean I was ready to be rousted at such an ungodly hour. The touch came again, and I heard Joxer say, "Goddess Scribe?"

*Yep, figures. I don't think either of the gals would have been that deferential. Hmm. Time for a little more fun.* I barely slitted one eye so that I could bet my bearings, then I threw my arms around his neck and dragged him down beside me. "Mmmmm... honeybear..." I cooed.

"Oh. Uh... um..." He was tensed, but he didn't try to pull away.

I rubbed my face against his shoulder. "Poooookieeee..."

I heard Gabriel's voice, disgusted. "Oh, for heaven's sake, Joxer!"

"Well," he said, "I heard that it's not good to wake up someone who's dreaming too suddenly."

I threw a leg over him. "Sweeeeetieee..." *Whups! What is that, as if I didn't know? Time to stop. I don't want the poor guy to be frustrated.* I opened my eyes to find his blushing face very close. I made my voice small and breathy. "Oh! Joxer, I AM sorry. I must've been dreaming."

"Probably a nightmare," muttered Gabrielle.

"If you don't stop that I'll be forced to think uncharitable thoughts about you." She looked unimpressed. "Uncharitable thoughts are often followed by uncharitable deeds."

She huffed, "Well, I never!"

I couldn't resist it. I wiggled my eyebrows and cooed, "Sure didn't seem like it last night."

I bet I'm one of the few people around who's ever seen Xena, Warrior Princess, blush in embarrassment. *snicker*

We gathered up camp and started off through the woods. Xena was in the lead of course. Hell, she was the only one on a horse, so it wasn't surprising. It was just as well--I wasn't particularly interested in having Argo breathing on my back. Gabrielle managed to pretty much keep up with her, and Joxer and I brought up the rear.

He'd put his 'armor' (please note... what the hell do you call those half-a-quotation marks, anyway? They have to have a formal name, but English class was a long time ago, and... Wait a minute. Apostrophes. Please pardon the stream of consciousness. Please note the apostrophes, because that stuff could only be considered armor in an alternate universe, alternate being considered to whatever universe it occupied.) back on, and he clanked along cheerfully. I began to get the impression that being left behind and ignored was not a new experience to him, and that was a shame.

*Like I told him, he isn't hanging around with the right people.* "Tell me, Joxer, who are your friends?"

Joxer gestured up toward the two women. "Gabby and Xena."

"Riiiight. Who else?"

"Well, uh..." he thought. "Um, I suppose Hercules and Iolaus."

"Riiiight." *And if I remember correctly, that's pretty much the same 'out of the way, dork' relationship as you have with the female versions up ahead.* "And?"

His brow furrowed, then he smiled. "Jett and Jayce."

"Those are family, different type of friendship. Who else?"

He thought. "Salmoneus, I guess. At least as long as I have a few dinars. Uh... Argo..."

"We don't count companion animals, and Argo wouldn't qualify, anyway. Anyone else?" He was quiet. I sighed. "You didn't list me."

His expression brightened. "Could I?"

I lifted off his helmet and rubbed my fist briskly against his head, giving him a half-power noogie. "If you don't, I'll do this to you on a regular basis."

He grinned as I put the helmet back down. "Okay, Goddess Scribe is my friend."

It looked like convincing him I wasn't a goddess was going to be harder than I'd expected. "If we're friends, you don't have to use the title. We've got to work on locating some new friends for you, dude."