"Well, duh!"

Joxer was making muffled squeaks. That was all he could manage with Herk's tongue halfway down his throat. He rolled his eyes at me desperately. "Oh, hell!" I walked over, made a fist, and thumped Hercules on the back of the head. "Ow!" I shook my hand. "Talk about hard-headed!"

"You're telling me!" Iolaus was fuming. Wow, blondes sure can get red in the face.

I looked at Aphrodite. "Can you, like, materialize stuff?"

"Duh?"

"We need to talk later about your vocabulary." I held out my hand. "Could I talk you into giving me a big glass of water?" She flicked a finger at me, and a large goblet appeared in my hand. I started to turn away, then looked in the goblet. "It's red."

"It's wine. Du..."

"I get it. Oh, well. It's a waste of perfectly good alcohol." I dumped the contents over Hercules's head. He didn't pause or let go. The only result was that now Joxer was spluttering as well as trying to gasp. "Well, damn!" Iolaus had picked up his staff again, and was tapping it against his palm, glaring at Hercules. "Excuse me." I snatched the staff away and whacked Hercules across his massive back, yelling, "He needs to breathe, Jackass!"

It sounded like I'd hit a side of beef with a hammer. Demigod or not, a whack with a stout staff will get your attention. Hercules let go of Joxer, looked at me, and said mildly, "Ouch."

Joxer, looking stunned, staggered back a couple of paces, bumped into the altar, upset a bowl of roses, tripped on it, and ended up on his butt. He looked up at me, dazed. "What just happened?"

"I saved you from being molested in front of the altar by a suddenly horny hero. Did you mind?"

"No! I mean, he's cute, and all that, but he's not my type."

"What type do you like?" Hercules said eagerly. "I can change."

I was curious as to just how strong this spell Aphrodite had landed on him was. "What if he likes girls?"

He didn't hesitate for a second. "I think there's a cursed spring somewhere that switches the gender of whoever bathes there." He started off.

Iolaus gaped. He looked at me. "Stop him!"

"Stop him? Me? Do I look like an Amazon? And why should I? It doesn't mean anything to me if he wants to do a Christine Jorgensen without the nip 'n tuck."

"I don't know what the Tartarus you just said."

"I could care less if he wants to become a woman."

"Well, I could! He's MY lover, and I happen to like him just the way he is. I mean, if he's a woman, he can't very well screw me."

"It would depend on how you felt about *cough* marital aids." Aphrodite giggled. "Yeah, I thought you'd know about those." I raised my voice. "Hercules, it won't work."

He came back. "Why not?"

"Because you might end up as a woman, but you'll be a huge woman, and though you're an attractive man, you'd probably be a woofer as a girl."

"Oh." Hercules reached out both hands to Joxer. "Let me help you up, sweetheart."

Joxer eyed him suspicously, scooting backwards, armor clanking. "No, thank you."

Hercules gave me a smile. "He wants to be independent. Isn't it cute?" 

Hercules reached down before Joxer could escape, slipped his hands under the warrior-wannabe's arms, and lifted him lightly to his feet. Which would have been fine-IF he'd let go. He didn't, and he started to pull Joxer closer again. Joxer moaned, "Not again! You can get brain damage from lack of air, and I can't afford all that much damage!"

"Yo, Muscles! Let him go."

Hercules continued to tug at the now struggling Joxer. "We should go somewhere private and talk."

"We can talk here!" Joxer protested.

Hercules glanced at me and Aphrodite. "I prefer not to use obscene words in front of ladies."

"Who you calling a lady?" I growled. "Unhand him right now!" Hercules looked singularly unimpressed by my demand. *Okay, hit 'im in the concept of self.* "What are the people going to think? The mighty Hercules, a common MASHER."

"I am not!" he said indignantly. He made calf eyes at Joxer, but let him go. "I'm just a man in love."

"Cue the violins. You're got in love."

Aphrodite planted her hands on her hips, frowning, "Uh, ex-squeeze me?"

"So THAT'S where Mike Myers got that expression. You have a lot to answer for, lady. No, it is NOT love-love comes naturally. That..." I pointed to Hercules, who'd once again begun to stalk a nervous Joxer, "is obsession, and it can be dangerous. Ask Jodie Foster. So, you take that spell right off him."

"Ummm..." Aphrodite got real interested in her fingernails.

"Ummm... what? Good news does not start with ummm..."

"It's like this-Joxie is one of my favorites, dig?"

"Perfectly understandable." I dragged Joxer behind me, putting my body between him and a grabbing Hercules. I was willing to submit to a grope or two in defense of my new friend. (It was a sacrifice, I tell you, a sacrifice!)

"Since it was for Cutiepoo I made it super strength..."

"So I noticed." I slapped Hercules's hand as he tried to reach past me.

"...and I sorta put a non-tampering twist on it."

"And this means? Step back or I put a knee where it hurts the worst, and I don't think you're wearing a goalie's cup," I warned Hercules.

"It means that no divinity is supposed to be able to tamper with it."

I stopped and looked at her in disbelief. While I was distracted, Hercules managed to get a hand on Joxer's arm. I bit him, then went back to Aphrodite. "Are you trying to tell me that even YOU can't mess with it?"

She rubbed the toe of one glittery sandal on the marble floor. "Sorta."

"Oh, I don't believe this! You're the one who pasted Buff and Bullheaded with the hex, and if you can't fix it, what the hell are we going to do?"

Aphrodite looked at Joxer. "Do you want a white wedding?"

Hercules beamed, Iolaus threw up his hands, growling, "Look, if he marries anyone it's going to be me! I've been trying to get him to make an honest man out of me for ages."

Aphrodite arched an eyebrow at him. "If you want a lover to make it legal, don't you have a wide range of choices, dear?"

"Meow," he said curtly.

"Anyway, I never said I couldn't fix it." She sighed. "It's just that it would be such a bitch. I'd hafta dig through about a zillion scrolls looking for recipes and chants. Then I'd hafta gather and mix all sorts of ookie stuff, and I JUST got my nails done, and it would RUIN them..."

Somehow I wasn't sympathetic. "Wear rubber gloves," I snapped.

This time everyone blinked at me. Finally Aphrodite expressed the general confusion. "Huh?"

"Sheesh. Okay, rubber is this usually slick, stretchy stuff that's water resistant, and makes a good barrier against..." I trailed off. "Wait a minute. No rubber means no latex, which means no safe sex. Crap! Damn pre-industrial technology! Oh, well, there's no AIDs in this time frame, and probably no herpes, either." I thought. "But there's probably all kinds of icky prehistoric social bugs..."

I heard Joxer squeak. Hercules had managed to get a hand down the front of his pants. "You let go of that!" He jerked his hand back, blushing like a kid who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I glanced at Joxer apologetically. "I'm sorry-sometimes my mind wanders and I go off on a tangent."

He nodded. "I think I did that once. Aren't they big and smelly, with two humps and a tendency to spit?"

"No, they're the ones with stripes. Look, Miss Thang, you need to get on this right away. Hercules here is big and determined-I don't know how long Joxer can dodge and I can parry."

Aphrodite put a confiding arm around Joxer's shoulder. "C'mon, sweetie, would it be so bad? Sure, he's a tigh ass, but I bet you could loosen him up, and he IS pretty yummy."

"But he's my yummy!" Iolaus protested.

"Selfish, selfish," Aphrodite scolded. "Can't you share?" She eyed Hercules. As icky as she might have found his attitude, she could do an honest physical assessment. "Zeus knows he's big enough to go around."

I eyed the red-faced Iolaus. "Somehow I don't think that would go well. Blondie doesn't look like he wants to share his toy, and Joxer doesn't look like he wants to borrow, anyway."

She sighed. "Well, poo. I knew it wouldn't be that easy. All right, I'll get started on trying to find the antidote." She flicked her hands and...

FLASH!

I was left in a shower of rose petals again. I batted away the teeny white fluttering hearts that had accompanied them and yelled, "Wait! What are we supposed to do with the Hormonal Hunk?"

Joxer had climbed up on the altar in an effort to keep out of Hercules's reach. "Chains sound like a good idea to me."

Hercules grinned. "Ooo, yeah! I can see you in some nice silver jobs."

"Not me! You!" Joxer snapped.

Hercules shook his head. "As much as I want to please you, sweetcheeks, I top, and I think we should wait till later in our relationship to start experimenting."

I moved Hercules back by kicking him in the shins a few times, making room for Joxer to get down. "We should tell Xena and the bitch... I mean the bard about this. Maybe they have some ideas." Joxer had gotten behind me again and grabbed my shoulders. We began to sidle toward the exit. "And if they down't, at least Xena has a sword and Gabby has a staff to help us keep this goomba off of you."

Hercules and Iolaus were following us, and Iolaus said, "Do you really think that Gabrielle will bother? I mean, she whines and moans about Joxer pestering her, so she should be glad to have someone else after him."

"You mean that you guys haven't gotten Aesop's Fables yet?"

"Aesop? I've heard of him. He's a traveling bard, but doesn't he tell kiddie stories about animals?"

I rolled my eyes. "You'd never make it in a college lit course with that literal attitude. Fables, fables! Simple stories that teach life truths? Ask him to tell you the 'Dog in the Manger' one sometime." Joxer dodged a groping hand, but did so by swinging around the hold he'd taken on my throat. *Ack* "Joxer! You don't have to avoid every single touch or else burst into flames! Just don't let him get a firm hold on you."

"She's right," Hercules said helpfully. "What you really need to do if you want to avoid me is strip nude and rub yourself down with oil. Then you'd slip right through my hands. I can demonstrate."

I paused, and I guess I got a faraway look on my face, because Joxer whined, "Goddess Scribe!"

"Right. No way, Jose." I muttered under my breath, "Not unless I can sell tickets and get a front row seat."

"What?"

"Never mind. Bad Scribe. Mustn't exploit our friends. Let's get back to the inn."

"Yes, let's get back to the inn," Hercules said cheerfully. He trailed us, and a steadily-more-pissed off Iolaus followed HIM.

*By the time this is over I think Iolaus is going to screw Herk into the middle of next week, then cut him off completely to teach him a lesson,* I thought. *And judging by the way he's acting, I don't think Herk deals well with celibacy.*

When we got to the street I couldn't continue backing (apparently the same damn herd of goats that had passed Ares's temple had also passed Aphrodite's. Wasn't anyone on Poop Patrol in this city?). But something had to be done to keep Hercules from just tossing Joxer over his shoulder and taking off with him. I whispered a suggestion to Joxer. He shook his head so vigorously he nearly lost that strainer he wore as a helmet. "Come on, Joxer. At least it'll keep your butt from being pinched black and blue."

"He hasn't pinched me yet."

"It's coming." I rubbed my rump, remembering my experiences on these streets a couple of thousand years in the future. "He's a Greek male."

"Well, if you think it'll help," he said doubtfully.

I snagged some rope off a passing cart and handed it to him. He said, "Um, Hercules? Would you mind if I tied your hands?" Hercules frowned. I whispered to Joxer again. "I, uh, sorta like to, you know..." he swallowed, "play?"

Now a sly smile spread over Hercules's face. "Oooh. And what do you like to play? Captured Warrior and Cruel Warlord? Demanding Master and New Slaveboy? Pirate Captain and Captured Noble?"

Joxer looked at me desperately. I whispered. "Jaded Aristocrat and Reluctant Pleasure Slave."

"Oh, that's a good one! But shouldn't I be the one tying you up?"

A squeak from Joxer. I whispered. He looked at me disbelievingly. I made 'go on' motions at him. He blinked, then looked down, glanced up at Hercules through (very thick) lashes, and whispered, "Please?" Hercules hesitated. I whispered. Joxer wet his lips.

"Okay." Hercules held out his hands, wrists crossed.

"Behind you. I haven't watched several hundred reality cop shows and years of Adam-12 to forget that you never secure someone's hands in front." I looked at Iolaus. "Too easy to do one of those 'whack 'em with both fists at once' things."

He nodded agreement, and took the rope from Joxer as Hercules put his hands behind his back. "Allow ME." Judging from the yelp Hercules gave, I didn't have to worry about him escaping from loose bindings. Piece of advice? Never play bondage games with a pissed off lover who's just caught you lusting after someone else.

Then he insisted that Joxer had to put a rope around his neck and lead him through the streets. I never would have known from the myths that he was so kinky. It embarrassed the hell out of Joxer-he was sorta hot pink by the time we reached the inn. Hercules wasn't all that good an actor, though. Instead of a nobly reluctant sex slave being dragged off to be ravished he followed Joxer like an overgrown hornpuppy (though I guess it would have to be a hornGreat Dane to get anywhere near his size.)

Meg looked up as we walked in, her eyes sparking with interest. Before she could open her mouth I said, "No, we are not interested in being a pay-per-view attraction. Have Xena and Gabrielle gotten back from the bath house yet?"

She jerked her head toward the stairs. "They went up about twenty minutes ago." Her eyebrows did the frug. "Things should just be getting interesting."

"Ooo, ick. Mental images."

I took the end of the rope and handed it to Meg. She squealed, "For me? And it isn't even my birthday!" I started up the stairs with Joxer close behind me. I heard 'Hey!', and the sound of following footsteps. Then I heard *Urk!* 'Lady, please!' Then I heard Iolaus squawk, and a thump, then a crash and a yell from Meg. Then things got noisy. The inn was getting its nightly trashing a little early.

We located the room that Xena and Gabrielle were in by process of elimination. Didn't anyone in that place remember to lock their doors? Judging by some of the scene's we walked in on, the people of Athens had a lot of imagination, but not all that much simple caution. Finally we came to the last two doors on the second floor. One led to an empty room.

I put my ear against the remaining door, holding a finger to my lips to shush Joxer. Curious, he took off his helmet and pressed his ear up beside mine. He started blushing. I'm not going to repeat what we heard, but it involved lots of slurping, sighing, and a few 'oh, babyies'. I grinned at Joxer and stood back, saying softly, "Step away from the door."

"Why?"

"Trust me."

He stepped to the side. I took a deep breath. "Mi mi mi mi. Testing. Testing. Ahem. WARLORDS!"

There was a shriek, a thump, and the door slammed open. A very naked and well armed Xena leaped out into the hallway, looking around ferociously. When she saw that the hall was empty except for me and Joxer she calmed down a little. She didn't lower the sword, though. That was a bit worrying. She pointed the sword at me. "Look, when someone yells 'warlords' there had damn sure better be warlords, or bandits, or at least a fucking surprise party, with a line of nude Amazon dancers. Otherwise I am very, very pissed."

I touched my fingertip to the sword's point (ouch, by the way) and delicately directed it away. "We have a problem, oh Naked and Aggressive One."

Xena's eyes narrowed. "Couldn't it have waited another five minutes?"

"Hey!" an indignant voice called from the bedroom.

"Sorry, Gabby. Couldn't it have waited another fifteen minutes?"

"A love spell smitten Hercules followed us home from Aphrodite's temple, and we don't want to keep him."

Gabrielle, wrapped in a sheet and with a small knot rising on her forehead (I had to wonder what position they'd been in for her to acquire that) came out. "Look, if you somehow managed to get Hercules after you, that isn't our fault. Maybe it would be a good thing. He's been awful stressed since his family died, and he's really a family man at heart. And Zeus knows you could use someone to settle you down a little, maybe get you to have a little respect for conventions, and..."

"I'll have you know I highly respect conventions. I've had some of my most rip-roaring tear-asses at conventions." I looked at Joxer. "I woke up once wearing a State Trooper uniform. Don't ask. And an Amazon is telling me to hitch myself to a man and learn not to be uppity?"

Gabrielle looked flustered. "I didn't mean..."

"Riiiight. Besides, I never said Hercules was in love with me."

"But then..." She trailed off. She and Xena both stared at Joxer. Gabrielle started to giggle.

"Shut up or I'll slap you. This isn't funny." I paused. "Well, it is. Some." I looked at Joxer. "Okay, a lot, but not to Joxer. How would you feel if Hercules was all horny and after your bod?"

Let me report a fascinating fact: While Gabrielle gagged, Xena looked interested.

"All right, this needs to be tended to, I guess. Let us get dressed." They started back into the room and Xena paused, "That's twice. You're getting to be a party pooper."

I spread a hand against my chest and gave her big, innocent eyes (yeah, I can so do that. I practice by watching anime). "Moi?"

"Don't try blowing a kiss at me-it won't work." She gave me a grim smile. "Not blowing one, anyway."

I had to think about what the hell she was talking about as she went back inside. The door was closed before I figured it out. That's 'm-o-i' not 'mwha'!" I looked at Joxer. "You people have sex on the brain."

Hercules's voice floated up from downstairs. "Miiiiiighty One?" Joxer looked back at me helplessly. "You're right."