You know one of the down sides of ancient Greece? It's hellishly hard to get a caffiene fix in the morning. No coffee, no Diet Coke... What? Hell, yes, I drink Coke in the morning. Ahm frum tha south, honeychile.

Anyway, no real caffiene. I was sitting at the table downstairs in the tavern, staring at a cup of brownish liquid Gabrielle had handed me. "What is this?"

"You said you wanted something to wake you up." She pointed. "It's tea."

"It is?" I looked at it doubtfully. "Um, okay. Where's the sugar?"

Gabrielle looked horrified. "Sugar? You'll spoil the bouquet and clog your senses."

I rolled my eyes. "Great. Nature girl." I stared at the cup. "Doesn't look like Lipton to me. Oh, well." I took a sip. I sprayed it. "You claim this is tea?"

"Yes, Shedbark tea."

She's trying, she's trying, she's trying. "Refreshing. Thank you." She didn't quite smile, but the corners of her lips kinda twitched. When she left I called the whorehouse cat (no, I will not call it the whorehouse pussy. Oops, I guess I just did.) and offered it. The cat hissed at me, which supports my supposition that they are intelligent animals.

Joxer snuck half-way down the stairs, peeked around to be sure Hercules wasn't present, then came down and sat by me. "Hi, Scribe. Whatcha drinking?"

I offered it to him hopefully. "Shedbark tea. Here ya go, it's good for what ails you."

He shook his head. "Thanks, but I already peed this morning."

"Wha-huh?"

"It's an excellent diuretic."

"Why that dirty little... Did you happen to see where Xena and Gabrielle went?"

"Xena is checking on Argo, and Gabby is with her."

"Be right back." I went upstairs, did some business, and came back down.

Joxer looked at me curiously. "What did you do?"

"Filled Gabby's water skin for her."

He beamed. "Oh, she'll appreciate that!"

"You damn betcha she will. More than her attitude will be pissy. Joxer, how the hell did you ever become infatuated with her in the first place. I mean, besides the blonde thing. You seem to have working brain cells, that shouldn't have totally hooked you."

"Well, Scribe, when a man reaches my age he begins to think about settling down."

I blinked. "Can't prove it by most of the guys I know."

"Anyway, I've been friends with Gabby for awhile," I snorted. "I know she can cook, and she has wide, childbearing hips..."

I picked myself up off the floor a couple of minutes later. "Promise me that you'll tell her that before I leave, and I can watch. Let's get going to Apollo's temple."

"I haven't had breakfast yet."

"So you haven't, you poor urchin." I handed him a big piece of bread and a banana. "That's all there is, anyway."

He looked disappointed as he shoved the banana in his pocket (thank heavens he'd done without the armor). "Plain bread?"

I slapped some pale golden liquid on it. "No Nutella, so that'll have to do. Let's go."

We walked down the street, Joxer munching his bread. Athens was in full bustle. "Damn, you people get up early. I don't know how you can manage it, without a single Starbuck's."

"Is Starbuck one of your home dimension's gods?"

"You'd think so. Is Apollo's place nearby?"

"Just over here."

He led me to a large, airy temple made of gleaming white marble. So gleaming that I shaded my eyes. "Whoa. I bet that one of his priests' major chores is polishing that stone."

A weary looking young man in sunny yellow robes was tiredly carrying a bucket up the front steps. "You're telling me? That wasn't in the job description when I applied for the position of junior priest. Can I help you people? This is Monday, so there are no scheduled public worship services."

"We need to speak to Apollo," I told him.

He snorted. "Yeah. Right. Well, you're welcome to try. WE haven't been able to contact him for the past two days. If you think you can catch his attention, feel free. Got any spectacular or unusual offerings?" Joxer and I looked at each other, then shrugged. "I don't hold forth much hope for you. Are you anybody important, and I expect a no answer, because if you were, I'd know about it."

Joxer frowned at him. "This is the Goddess Scribe, Patron Deity of..." he trailed off, looking at me questioningly.

"Smut."

The priest's eyebrows rose. "Really? You might have a chance, but I still think it would take something else..."

"I'm a virgin."

He bowed, sweeping his arm back toward the temple. "This way, miss, and please tell him that it was Telamakus who sent you. Maybe I'll get off scrub detail."

As we walked in, Joxer said, "Goddess Scribe, it may not be entirely safe for you to confide that secret to just anyone."

"Ya think?"

"Yes." We approached the altar. "Okay, why don't you let me handle this?"

"Go for it. I'm not the kneeling type."

He knelt and started to pray. I wandered around, looking at the decorations. He believed in statues of himself. If the sculptors hadn't been too flattering, he was a pretty good lookin' guy. This went on for some time. I wandered back to Joxer. "No luck?"

Joxer sighed. "Not a tingle. I don't understand it. I've flattered him like crazy--that usually works."

"Well, I bet he gets tired of hearing the same old compliments. Maybe something new would work." I cleared my throat. "Mi mi mi mi..."

"Scribe, what are you doing?"

"He's God of Music, right? There are a hell of a lot of songs about the sun. I'm gonna use one."

"But he hears songs of praise every day."

"Ah, yes, but he hasn't ever had a Beatles praise, has he?"

Joxer frowned. "I'm not sure who is God of Insects, but..."

"It would take too long to explain. I'd have to cover the entire decade of the sixties. Just listen." I belted it out. "Little darlin', it's been a long, cold lonely winter. Little darlin', it feels like years since I've been warm. Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun, and I say, It's all right..."

I paused and looked at the ceiling expectantly. "Okay, the actual lyrics say 'years since it's been here', but I like my version better. Not that I think I have anything over Lennon and McCartney."

"It's pretty, but I don't know it it'll work."

"Hey, it's practically sun worship. I have faith in it." I sang again. "Little darlin', the smile's back on our faces. Little darlin', it feels like years since we've been warm. Here comes the sun..." I closed my eyes and projected, making it sound like I'd just spotted the sum of all my desires.

Joxer looked around as he felt his skin prickle like... Well, since electricity hadn't been discovered yet, he wouldn't know that term, but I looked, and saw the hairs rising on the back of his neck. He whispered, "It may be working! It feels like a divinity is close."

"Oh, time to sell it!" I gave a performance that would have brought down the house at any karaoke bar I'd ever been in. "Little darlin', I feel that ice is slowly melting. Little darlin', it feels like years since I've been warm. Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun, and I say, it's all right!"

There was a burst of gold sparkles in front of the altar and a tall, blonde man in a sort of tight gold pants and sleeveless vest ensemble appeared. What the...? They have lame´?

He was shaking his head, but he was smiling. "I gotta tell ya, girlfriend, you wail better than most of my bards. They're too concerned about keeping perfect pitch and rhythm to really let it fly."

"Thanks, I think."

He hopped up to sit on the altar. "Well, I'm obviously Apollo." He pointed. "I think I recognize ol' Long Tall there. You hang with Xena and Blondie Bard, dontcha?"

Joxer nodded. "Yes, sir. Normally I worship Ares, but I really respect your work, and I'm hoping you can help my friend, Goddess Scribe."

Apollo's fair eyebrows rose as he studied me. "Goddess Scribe? Hm. I don't recall any new additions to the Pantheon. You watch over one of the other nations, cutie?"

"I'm not actually a goddess," I said. "It's just easier not to argue with him."

"I see. Ya know," he hopped down and sort of swaggered/stalked toward me, "there are severe penalties for impersonating a divinity. You may have to do penance--say, in my bedroom."

I blinked. "Look, I don't worship you..."

His head jerked back. "You don't?"

"As shocking as that may be. I'm from another dimension, sport, and I'm trying to get back there. I'm hoping you might shed some light on why I'm here, and thus help me figure out how the hell I can get home."

"I suppose I could try. Scribe, huh? Do you write?"

I blushed. "As a matter of fact, I do."

He clapped his hands, rubbing them together. "Excellent! That puts you in my jurisdiction!" He grabbed me. "I think I'll just assign you to Olympus duty. Maybe you can liven up the Muses. They've been kinda draggin' lately. Three orgies a week and they're wiped out."

I pushed at him. "Joxer, I beat Hercules off you, it's your turn to help me!"

He was wringing his hands. "Scribe, he could zap us both if I tried something violent."

I removed a hand from my cleavage. "Well, get creative, then! Distract him!"

"Oh! Um..." Joxer reached out and grabbed a double handful of Apollo's firm, toned ass.

"Whoa!" Apollo didn't let go of me, but he turned surprised and delighted eyes on Joxer. "Dude! You have hidden potential." He let go with one arm and grabbed Joxer with the other. "This is so cool! Two new toys at once!"

There was a crackle of energy and a red flash. Ares stood before us, arms crossed, tapping his foot. "'pol, at least one of those is my toy, and I don't feel like sharing."

Apollo tightened his grip, dragging us both tight against him. I think we both squeaked. "No way, Ares! They're on my turf--they're mine! I should be through with them in a few months."

Joxer was squirming. "You can't do this! Goddess Scribe is a virgin, and..." "Seriously?" Apollo dropped Joxer in order to pick me up so he could look me in the face.

"It's not like it's catching," I told him.

He looked at Ares. "Make that a couple of decades. So many firsts!"

I looked at Joxer. "I'm almost beginning to see Ares as a desirable alternative. Are all of the gods afflicted with perpetual horniness?"

Joxer said, "Well, I don't know from personal experience, but that's the rumor. Of course, it's entirely possible that they started the rumor themselves."

"Look," said Ares, "I have specific and important plans for her, so give her up. Don't make me get medievil on your ass."

"How the hell do you know that term?" I yelled. "The time period won't come for, like a millenium and a half, and the term won't be invented for another few centuries!"

Ares shrugged. "I got it from Strife. It just sounded appropriate."

Apollo pouted. "Oh, well..." He turned me loose, but hugged Joxer even tighter. "I wanna keep this one. He's cute."

Ares grabbed me by the back of the neck before I could get out of reach. "Yeah, okay."

"Wait a minute!" I squawked. "You can't go off and leave Joxer here with that lecher!"

"Why not?"

"He's one of your most loyal followers, you crumb!"

"He's one of my most ineffectual followers."

I slapped him.

The room got very, very still. I suddenly realized that perhaps that hadn't been the wisest thing I'd ever done, so I did what I usually did in sticky situations--I talked. "You bastard! Don't the people who worship you mean anything to you? He's a great guy! He's friendly, cheerful, willing to help others, brave... Sure, sometimes it borders on stupidity, but isn't that how it is with a lot of heros? Hey's loyal, too! He follows you even when you ignore him and sneer at him. And besides," I gave Joxer an 'aww' look. "He's so cute!"

Ares looked at Joxer, as if for the first time. Joxer smiled weakly. Ares's eyes narrowed consideringly and he gave Joxer an up and down raking gaze. "Okay." He held out his other hand, crooking his fingers. "Hand him over, 'pol."

Apollo stamped his foot. "It isn't fair!"

"Look, I'm only taking him because she wants him along."

"You should leave me at least one of them. After all, this is my temple."

"Tell you what, bro, you can have whoever walks through the door next, and I won't say a thing about it."

"Oh, well thank you very much!" Reluctantly he released Joxer. "Look, when he gets tired of you, just come back here, okay?" He gave Joxer a little push toward Ares.

Ares took hold of a stunned looking Joxer's collar just as Hercules came into the temple. Ares burst out laughing. "There ya go, 'pol!"

Apollo made a face like someone just offered him an anchovy pizza. "Oh, ick!" There was a burst of gold sparkles, and he was gone.

Hercules hurried over, grinning. "I see you found her."

I gasped. "You sneaky bastard! You ratted me out!"

"Sold you out, actually. Now you just toddle off with Ares. Joxer, my love, I know this is going to upset you, so just come here and lean against my broad, manly chest, and I'll comfort you."

"Sorry, Hercules." Ares took another twist of cloth, lifting Joxer up on his toes. "He's coming with me."

"What? But I told you where she would be specifically to get rid of her so I could be with Joxer."

"She's right, you are a sneaky bastard. You want him?"

"Yesyesyes!"

"Tough."

Flash!

Oh, man. And I thought that plane takeoffs were bad. Try riding sparklies.

When the world came back we were standing in the middle of a room that looked like... How do I put this? A cross between a dundgeon, a goth club, and a honeymoon suite at a ritzy no-tell motel. Lots of black marble and drapery, with a few silver and blood red accents. Oh, and a bed.

A huge bed. I suppose it wasn't really an acre square. Maybe the black silk sheets made it look bigger. I didn't really want to think about the metal rings set in the wall over the bed.

He turned Joxer loose. "Why don't you go amuse yourself? I have business with Scribe."

I grabbed at Joxer and dragged him in front of me. "Anything you can say to me, you can say to him."

He arched one dark eyebrow. "Really?"

"Really."

He smiled sardonically. "All right then. Scribe, Joxer... I want you to be my consort."