Joxer was frowning in concentration. "And people write stories about them where they have sex? I'm sorry, but that's a little sick."

I shrugged, as well as I could in chains. "I don't write that fandom..." I paused, "yet. But the authors almost always age the characters up to at least sixteen or seventeen."

"Well, that's a relief. And all the characters can do magic?"

"Except for the grody Dursleys, yeah."

"Wow. We just have to deal with the gods and goddesses. That must be rough on the mortals."

"Joxer, it's fiction." I looked at the (I once thought) fictitious ancient Greek wannabe warrior. "Never mind." I sighed. "You know, I'm going to need a potty break pretty soon. If he doesn't get back here and turn me loose, I apologize in advance."

"There ought to be some way we can get loose from here. I bet Auto would be able to pick the locks on these things."

"Maybe, but we don't have a convenient King of Thieves summoning device, so it'll have to be some other way. Who else is available?"

Joxer frowned, thinking, "Mmm... Mortals wouldn't be able to hear us from Olympus, so Xena, Gabrielle, Iolaus, and Hercules are out."

"Especially Hercules. I shudder to think of what would happen if he found you chained to a bed."

Joxer paled. "That leaves us with divinities."

"Ares is out for obvious reasons, and Strife already crapped out. Hm. Athena might want to piss Ares off, huh? She's sorta after his job, isn't she?"

"Yes, but she'd be more likely to leave us here, figuring that we'd distract him."

"Artemis? She's pretty protective of virgins, isn't she?"

"Yes, but last I heard she was on an extended hunting trip in India. Something about wanting to train her hounds against tigers."

"Apollo is a no go, for reasons almost as obvious as Ares. Demeter?"

"She wants to see him settled down."

"Crap. How about Hades?"

"I don't see how the Lord of the Underworld would figure in. Anyway, he usually lets mortals sort out their own problems, and besides, Persephone is down there now. He isn't about to leave."

"This is getting very depressing. The gods are supposed to oversee mortal life, and where is one when you need them? Who does that leave?"

"Zeus and Hera. Believe me, you'd really rather not mess with either of them if you don't have to. Besides, Zeus would probably just take the opportunity to poach on Ares territory, anyway. You really don't think he'd be able to resist a chained up woman, do you?"

"Ack! Bad idea, bad idea! What about Poseidon?"

"Well, if we were on some teeny, tiny island he might take an interest, but as far as we are from the sea? Don't think so. Eris is Ares's sister, so she isn't likely to go against his wishes."

"Hephastus?"

"Never hear us over the forge, even if he was interested."

"How about Cupid? I mean, I know he's Ares's son, but he's the God of Love, right? A situation like this has to be a little counterproductive." I looked at Joxer, who had paused to rub his cheek against the sheets. "Well, for me, anyway."

"He's a possibility, I suppose. Other than that... Um, there's Murder, Pain, and Insanity."

"No, no, and no." I seethed. "This is so not fair!" I raised my voice in a yell. "Look! There has to be somebody out there to look after me! This situation is too weird for there not to be! I want help--now!"

There was a shower of gold sparkles, and a short, slender, blond man wearing a winged helmet and winged boots and not a whole hell of a lot more appeared at the bedside. "All you had to do was ask."

Joxer gaped. "Hermes?"

The god nodded. A slim gold pick appeared in his hand and he began to busily tinker in the lock of the manacles around my wrists. "Here to help my follower."

"Now, wait a minute," I protested. "All I ever stole were those two candy bars when I was in junior high, and I got positively sick with guilt, and left money in the store. Well," I flushed guiltily. "There was that library book..."

"I'm not here as the God of Thieves. Aha!" One manacle snapped open and he began working on the other.

"Well, what else? I don't need any messages delivered, and I'm not a liar. Much. Not so that it would attract a divinity's attention."

snap The other manacle came off, and he began to work on Joxer's chains while I stiffly lowered my arms. "Here's a hint--fanfiction.net."

"Fanfiction is not lying!"

snapsnap "Semantics, semantics. Okay, you're loose. You owe me. When you get home, I expect a hot little fiction featuring me and, say Iphicles." He waved, and disappeared in another shower of sparks.

"Oh, great!" I grumbled. "Not only have I been abducted and threatened with a fate worse than death by a mythical person, now I owe one. Okay, we'd better try to find our way out of here."

"Um, Scribe? Even if we can find our way out, we're on Olympus."

"Quite a hike back, huh?" He rubbed his toe on the floor. "Oh, come on. I don't expect there to be a shuttle bus, but..."

"We can try. But I visited Dite once and, well, there just doesn't seem to be any end to Olympus."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean after you go a certain distance in one direction you suddenly find yourself back about where you started."

I stared at him, then sighed. "You know, I don't think I ever really appreciated mundane normalcy. I'm beginning to think that boring is not necessarily always a bad thing. Tell ya what; let's concentrate on finding our way out of here first.

A little while later I stopped and leaned against a wall. "I have never in my life seen so much marble mileage. Joxer, does this place have an exit?"

He looked around. "I'm pretty sure it does. I mean, usually they just flash in and out, but sometimes they like to stroll around on Olympus, so I figure they have regular doors for that. I think..." he glanced around. "I think that the only unhidden doors to the outside will not have access to the private chambers."

"Mm." I wandered over to a large double door and put my ear against the door, listening till I was pretty sure there was no one inside. I cracked the doors and looked in. "Would they be in, say, a conference room?"

Joxer came up behind me and peeked over my shoulder. "Audience chamber. Yes, this would be the right direction, anyway."

We sidled through the room and found another door on the far wall. This one led into a lofty marble (surprise, surprise) hall. "Well, damn!"

"No, this is the entryway!" Joxer pointed toward massive, ironbound door on the far end. "Look!"

They started down the center of the hall, and I said, "Crap, I feel like I should be walking along with a scarecrow, lion, and tin man." Joxer gave me a curious look. "It's a future thing--you wouldn't understand, and pay no attention to that man behind the curtain." He yelped and jumped away from a tapestry. "It's a joke! Geez, I gotta find someone with the same cultural references."

It took both of us, but we managed to tug one of the doors open far enough for us to squeeze out. Note to self: if they're gods, why haven't they figured out automatic doors yet?

It was nice outside. I'm talking 'so nice it would get on your nerves after awhile' nice. I'm from Texas--if I go too long without a crappy spell of weather, I get antsy. I grabbed Joxer's collar and dragged him over behind some bushes so we'd be out of sight while we reconnoitered. "Okay, we're out of the cage, but we're still trapped on the wild life preserve. What now?"

Joxer thought. "I'd say we try Aphrodite's place."

"Do you know which one it is?"

He shrugged. "How many pink temples could there be on Olympus?"

Two.

sigh

We stood there for a minute, looking back and forth between both gleaming pink marble edifices. I looked at Joxer. He shrugged. "One of them has to be hers."

"Joxer, I don't want to go wandering into the home of a strange god without an invitation. It could be hazardous to my health... or my virginity. Considering some of the gods you have hanging around--both."

"Most of the ones you really, really have to worry about don't go in for pink. I mean, Murder and Pain just aren't much for pastels."

"I dunno. Pastels give me a pain and sometimes make me feel murderous, but I see your point. Okay, there's only one way to decide." I started pointing back and forth. "Eenie, meenie, miney, mo... Catch a centaur by the... Wait, can't say toe with centaurs, can I? Catch a tiger by the toe..."

"Where?" Joxer was whirling around, staring wildly, looking for a striped predator.

"Not a real tiger, Jox! Gah. What would they be doing with a tiger up there?"

"You never know what Artemis is going to drag home, and if Hera thinks one would look picturesque lounging on the steps of her temple..."

"It's a counting rhyme, but never mind." I counted back and forth rapidly, "MymothertoldmetopicktheverybestonebutIwasnaughtyandIpickedyoudirtydishrag. That one."

As we started up the steps Joxer muttered, "I don't think Dite would like having her temple referred to as a..."

"Then don't tell her." The front hall and the audience room were empty. "Well, dang. Never a deity around when you need one." I started toward the smaller door back behind the big throne.

"Scribe, I'm not sure we should."

"Do you see a 'ring for service' bell anywhere around here? No? Well, I'm not going to stand here and holler 'Hello?' like an idiot. I hate it when people do that."

I went through the door, and he followed me reluctantly. "But Scribe, I really don't feel comfortable with this."

"I haven't felt comfortable with anything since I got groped by Ares back in Texas. I'm tired of sitting back and letting things just wash over me, Jox. I'm going to be taking action from now on." I chose a likely looking door and grabbed the handle.

"But Scribe, that isn't a good idea. You never know what..."

I opened the door and walked right in. I took a look at the vigorous, sweaty activity that was going on in the bed, squeaked, and tried to back up. Joxer had started to follow me, and I ran into him. Neither one of us is the most graceful thing around, and we both ended up on the floor in a tangle. Somehow he had enough breath to finish the sentence. "...you might walk in on."

There was an annoyed yell of, "Hey!" Then there was the slap of bare feet meeting marble, and the pad of steps coming toward us.

"Criminy!" I started to try to get up. Joxer did to. The end result was something like a human pretzel. I ended up with Joxer on top of me, sort of canted sideways as I tried to sit up. My gaze was on level with a pair of bare masculine knees (I've always liked bare male knees. They're so cute--even the knobby ones, and these weren't knobby. They were... um, well, perfect is a good word.

"That's an interesting choice of words. I don't think I've heard that one before." The voice was rich and amused, and made me think of gold and honey for some reason. The speaker squatted, and I had emphatic evidence that this was, indeed, a guy, before I snapped my eyes shut. "Joxer, right? Who's your cute friend?"

"Cupe! Get yer feathahed ass back here an' finish what ya started!" The other voice was querulous.

"It isn't the ass that's feathered, remember?"

"Come back ovah here an' let me check again."

The voice sounded even more amused. "With an audience?"

"Fuck 'em."

"There's an idea."

"Dontcha dare!"

There was a chuckle. "Don't worry, sweetie. You know that these days I only swing if you're interested, too. But they are cute, aren't they?" Another laugh. "I love mortals. But what are you two doing wandering around my temple? How did you get here?"

"I think yer freakin' 'em a little, Cupe. C'mon back here an' maybe they'll pull themselves tagetha enough ta get up."

I heard footsteps retreating, and muttered, "Cupid. Right, pink temple."

"Mom insisted, but I'm redecorating one of these days."

"Joxer, get off me so we can get up and flee," I ordered.

"C'mon, don't be like that." I got brave enough to open my eyes. A naked Cupid (yep, that's who it was all right--all golden skin, shiny hair, laughing hazel eyes, and snowy feathers) was on the bed again, with an equally naked Strife (and he was built a lot nicer than you'd think under all that leather) draped across his lap, glaring at us. Cuped was petting Strife as he spoke, "I'd hate to have to do the chains thing--it's really not my scene." Strife made a kissing motion at him, and Cupid laughed. "All right, except on special occasions."

We managed to get to our feet. I started to turn around, and the door swung shut with a definite thud. I looked back at Cupid, who smiled, raising his eyebrows. Darn divine powers.

Cupid was stroking Strife's bare chest, and the younger god arched up into his touch. "What tha fuck are you two doin here? Didn't I leave ya chained ta Unc's bed?"

"Yes, you did, thank you very much for all the help. And you were supposed to be talking to people about our situation."

"Been there, done that." Cupid plucked at the shiny silver ring that passed through Strife's left nipple. "Oooo... Cupe send 'em somewhere, huh? Ya gotta nice, quiet, doorless room around somewhere, dontcha?"

"Strife, how rude. They just arrived. Sit down, friends. Have a drink." A nice sofa appeared so close behind me that it bumped my legs and I dropped down onto it. A goblet of wine appeared in my hand.

I looked over at Joxer, who was sitting beside me in the same state. He smiled weakly. "Hospitality of the gods."

"So, Strife tells me that one or both of you are going to be my step." Cupid's hand slid down Strife's heaving belly and fastened on his cock, stroking.

"Nothing personal, but not if I have anything to say about it. Are you people always this casual about sex?"

He laughed. "This? You've obviously never seen an Olympian orgy. I am curious as to how you managed to get loose if Dad had you chained up. He's pretty good in the restraints department. I think only Strife's Mom is his equal." Strife pinched Cupid's thigh. "Only because you haven't had as long to practice, Funbuns."

"We had help," Joxer offered.

Cupid squinted thoughtfully, while reaching between Strife's legs. Strife promptly spraddled them as far as he could while lying over Cupid's lap. Cupid smiled down at him, sliding his finger under and up. Strife crooned. "Let's see... Auto is tied up at Discord's place--literally, so that leaves him out. Mm... Could be Hephastus, but Daddy Heph ususally doesn't mess in the affairs of the Pantheon on a personal basis. Likes his peace too much. He leaves the meddling to Mom. That leaves..." he drew it out into a drawl, "Ah. Hermes. Don't bother to deny it."

I scowled at him. "No fair reading my mind."

He shrugged. "What mind reading? There's no one else in the Pantheon quite sneaky enough, except maybe Zeus and Psyche. Zeus would have screwed you both before letting you go, and Psyche is too mean to help anyone else out unless it would benefit her."

Cupid's hand was moving lazily, and Strife was panting. "Cupe, put 'em somewhere an' fuck me or I swear I'm cuttin ya off!"

He cocked an eyebrow at Strife, not looking at all threatened. "I'm not going to lock them up, and we can't let them go wandering around Olympus like a couple of fleecy little lambs."

"Then get 'em a babysittah!"

Cupid sighed. "Let's see... who can we trust not to pitch them back into Dad's lap, or, erm, debrief them?" He got that 'lightbulb over the head' look. "Ah!"

Flash!

Two men appeared before us. One of them was dressed in almost as much leather as Ares or Strife. The other was wearing something I couldn't quite identify, but it was tight and bright. They also looked like Joxer--a lot. Exactly. Well, the colorful one had lighter brown hair, carefully combed into waves, but we're talking clones here otherwise.

The bright one squealed. (Yes, you read me correctly--squealed.) "Cupie!" He did a bow which was more like a curtsy. "Ho bee-yootiful God of all things passionate! How you doin', oh Magnificent One?"

The dark and broody one bowed his head. "Lord Strife. Anyone you want me to kill?"

I got up. "I'm outta here."

Joxer grabbed my arm. "Wait, it's all right. These are my brothers."

At the sound of his voice the two turned around, and both gave Joxer surprised, delighted smiles. The dark one still looked crazy and dangerous, but marginally less threatening. It was very, very weird seeing that sort of menacing aura coming off someone who looked just like Joxer. "Brother!" It was almost a chorus, and they all embraced. Dark and broody did a variation of the 'slap the back, grab the ass, damn, it's good to see you' thing that guys in my time still do. The bright one bounced a little.

After a moment Joxer separated himself. "Scribe, this is my brother Jett, King of Assassins, and my brother Jayce, Lord of the Dance."

I shook hands. Looking at Jayce I said, "Funny, you don't sound Irish."

He pinched my cheek. "Chure cute."

Cupid had materialized a tiny glass bottle and was pouring something glistening on his fingers. "Jayce, Jett... take those two out and keep them occupied, will you? You can go to Mom's place, if you want, though I'm not sure if she's there right now. We'll come find you in a little while." His hand moved down and there was a soft squish as it disappeared between Strife's legs, and a low moan from the Mischief god. "Okay, maybe a couple of hours."

Jett smirked and opened the bedroom door. He bowed to me, gesturing toward the hallway. "C'mon, lady. I think Loverbird and his consort want a little quality time." I walked past him. As I passed I felt a touch on my hip and heard him murmur, "If I knew that this was what I could expect out of babysitting..."

"Joxer!