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Giles shakes his head, frustrated.
"I watched for four hours. I saw no sign of her. No lights in her apartment even. She may have been seen visiting there, but I don't think that's where she's staying. That would be a little too obvious, and she's not a fool."
"I guess watching that building is a waste of time," I agree.
"Not entirely... I spotted Dawn on the street, walking from her friend's house. I gave her a ride to school. But yes... basically a waste."
The witches arrive at the Magic Box, joining Giles and Xander and I. They look very serious. More bad news? What now?
"What is it Willow?"
She looks at Tara, who explains, "I've been doing the spell a couple of times a day. The spell to see how far the Ascension has gone. No sign of anything since the First Rite... until today."
"So Faith's still at it. How long until we've got ourselves a hundred days of unkillable evil Slayer?"
"That's the thing, Buffy," Willow says, her brow wrinkled with worry, "Faith has just done the Twelfth Rite... and we never detected all the others!"
I don't get it. I look at Tara. "What do you mean? Why didn't your spell..."
"It means one of two things. Maybe she's doing something else entirely with the Books of Ascension, and doesn't need all the Rites..."
Willow jumps in, "I don't even like to think what else someone could do with those books... especially a Slayer!" She looks at Giles.
"I'm not aware of anything but an Ascension that could be done with those books," he says, thoughtfully. "But you raise a very disturbing point... she's a Slayer. What happens when a Slayer becomes a demon? I for one don't wish to find out!"
"What's the other possibility?" I ask Tara.
"Maybe she's found a way to hide when she does the Rites. This one slipped through somehow. If so, then maybe she's done all twelve rites–she's moving fast! So who knows how long before she's unkillable. That's the Thirty-Third Rite. And if she's using magic to hide the rites, it might also mean she's on to us. She knows we're after her."
Any way you look at it, this is bad. "Giles, how can she be moving so fast? The Mayor took years!"
"Well, if he left her everything... then the hard part is already done for her. Getting to the hundred days should be relatively simple."
Great. "And then? The final rite?"
"She eats the creatures from the Box of Gavrok and becomes... a Slayer version of what we saw happen to the Mayor. And I bet she doesn't Ascend in public just to show off. The only way we'll know it's happened is when we hear on the radio that mass numbers of people are being killed!"
I state the obvious. "We've got to stop her now, before she's unkillable."
Willow nods. "I know Giles wants to give her a chance but... I think we need to stop her any way we can. This is really bad. A Slayer demon! Even worse... a Faith demon!"
"I have to kill her." My stomach turns at the thought. I know how I felt last time I thought I'd killed her. But in my heart I know that's the only cure for what Faith has become.
Giles puts his hand on my arm. "Buffy... I do need to try to talk to her first. Talk her out of it. If it's not too late."
"I can just see that happening," says Xander, speaking what we're all thinking.
Giles looks grim. He's a good person, but I think he's realizing his mission was doomed from the start.
Damn Faith! And the Mayor too!
This one's a doozy. I've been drinking tiny sips of the most foul potion I've ever seen, one sip every time I finish speaking a line of the spell. A long spell. It seems like I've been chanting and sipping for hours, and yet the cup seems as full as it was when I started. And I have to finish this soon... Dawn's coming over.
Done! I put down the scroll. Now... pour a little of the potion on a picture of Dawn. I don't have many pictures of her... I hate to do it! But she'll give me another one. The photo burns into smoke without any flame at all. Now the hardest part.... drink down the whole cup at once. Ugh! God!
Angel talks about the price of immortality. I think I just paid it! When Dawn and I eat the spiders, I'm gonna drown them in barbecue sauce... or something. I don't think the magic works if you don't keep your dinner down!
I pack everything back in the locked closet with the Box, feeling very strange. I feel like my senses are dulled... or sharpened? Something's not right. Dawn will be here any minute. I go into the bathroom and splash water on my face. I don't know what these rites are doing to me... or Dawn for that matter... but I have to lie down.
I emerge from the bathroom to find what's left of Dawn lying on the floor. I scream.
It's her... somehow I know it's her. In the middle of it all a detail stands out... her hand... that's her hand! What have I done?! "Dawnie! Dawnie!" I sob and fall to my knees over this incomprehensible sight.
She jumps and rolls over, scattering her papers. "Faith! What is it?!"
She's no longer a human being. She's pure green light, so bright it should blind me but it doesn't. So bright I can see her naked form right through her clothes... right through my eyelids! Her face, her hair... it's all her... but made of shimmering light!
"What's happened to you, Dawn?" I cry, and as she takes my arm I expect to be burned by her touch. It feels... strange... but it doesn't hurt.
What have I done? Oh, God! Dawnie!
"I'm fine, Faith... what's the matter?" Somehow she doesn't even know what's happened!
She falls silent, pulling me into a hug. I look down, shaking. I can look through my own chest and see her arm around my back! How can she not notice? The walls are bathed in her blinding green light.
"What have I done to you?" I hiss. Oh God oh God. I should have killed myself after prison. She shouldn't have stopped me. I've done the one thing I cannot live with. I have hurt Dawn.
I pull away from her and run out of the apartment, not knowing where to go or why... just running away.
I'm sorry, Dawnie! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Where did she go? I'll never catch up with her!
I guess I'm not really too surprised that she freaked out on me. I guess I've kinda been waiting for something to happen with her. I have to remember... she's the same as Buffy's Faith. She's messed up. She's scary.
I love her.
"Faith!" I call out down the hall. I don't know which way she went so I pick a direction and run. Toward the elevators. None of them moving. I don't think she could already be at the bottom... so she probably didn't come this way.
I run back the other way. The hall's longer this way. More elevators. None moving... but by now she could be out on the street headed... anywhere.
No. Not anywhere. She's still my Faith, and I know where she's gone.
I step into an elevator and hit Up. There's only one floor above us. Now... a storage closet... I head down the hall looking for... yes! An open closet!
We've never been to the roof yet, but she told me we could get there through a closet upstairs. I push the door open the rest of the way, and sure enough, a hatch is hanging open. I climb the ladder and look around. Nothing.
There's a taller part of the building... maybe the tops of the elevators? I climb another ladder. Wow... this is high. And there she is!
She's sitting on the far edge, right above the street, crying. In a really scary way, like a little kid. Almost screaming.
"Faith! What's wrong? Tell me, Faith!" I run towards her but she won't turn around. She just hunches lower, her face in her hands.
I put my hand on her shaking shoulder, terrified and ready to burst into tears myself.
She slowly turns her head, and then suddenly she's hugging me tight. "Dawnie! Dawnie! You're OK!"
"Yeah... I'm fine..." I squeeze her back, and guide her away from the scary edge. "Why did you think I wasn't?"
"You... you were all green light! You must have noticed!" She wipes her red eyes.
No! Not you, Faith!
I know what she saw. I hate that she saw it. "Faith, have you been doing drugs?"
"You know I would never touch drugs!" Yeah, that's one crime she's never committed. She doesn't want to be like her mom. "Why? What does that have to do with you?"
I feel myself about to cry. I don't even want to tell her. "I... what you saw... it was me. People who are messed in the head, like on drugs... or crazy... sometimes they can see me." So does that make Faith crazy?
She stares at me. I feel like a freak. "What do you mean?"
"I'm the Key, Faith! Everybody sees me like I'm just a normal person but I'm not! I want to be but I'm just not!" Now I'm crying big time. "That's why I thought you maybe did some drugs. You saw the real me. You're the last person I ever wanted to see that!"
"I had been doing a little magic... I drank something, that must have been it..."
"Magic? Be careful, Faith! What for?"
"I was careful... I'm OK. It didn't do much I don't think."
But why was Faith going on about what she did to me?
"Dawn, do you... see yourself... like that, all the time?"
"I've never seen myself for real. And I never want to! I hate to even think about it."
We hold each other tight. I must be a scary, awful monster to make Faith run away like that.
"I can't believe it," she mutters, "I thought they made you a regular human!"
I hate what I am. I hate it! I cry even harder. We cry together. I don't get what's wrong with her... she's feeling guilty about something.
The sun is setting. Without a word we find a big pipe to lean against and watch it go down, holding hands. Just like old times, hiding on the roof from our problems. She can't make my pain go away, and I can't fix hers. We never could. But we get each other through.
I lean my head on her shoulder. "I love you, Faith."
"I love you too, Dawn."
I sort of want to kiss her... but it's so nice just leaning together like this.
Dusk falls and we cuddle closer together. It's a little chilly but we only need each other for warmth. Sometimes we would spend the whole night on her roof, not saying a word, until we fell asleep. Tonight is like that.
But there is something I want to ask. Well, I do and I don't. I'm afraid to ask.
"Faith... what do I look like?"
"What do you really look like?"
"Yeah. Tara saw me when Glory messed up her head... but when she got better she forgot what she saw. All she said was green light. Do I... do I look like a person at all?" I start to cry softly.
She kisses my cheek. "You look just like you think you look, Dawnie. Only made of light... a green brighter than white... I can't really describe it. You're blindingly bright, shining your rays all over... but it doesn't hurt to look at you." I sit up and look at her, curious. She has kind of a dreamy look, like it's really not scary to think of me. "You're so bright, you shine right through your clothes. Even through my eyelids!"
"You mean... you saw me nude?"
"Yeah... sort of. Don't worry, I was way to freaked out to look at anything."
"I'm sorry I'm like that. I hate it. Am I really scary looking?"
"Oh, Dawnie! I was scared something had happened to you... but don't ever be sorry for what you are. I'm glad I saw the real you. I feel lucky. I may never see you that way again, but I'll never forget."
"I look sort of... normal? Not like some monster thing?"
"No... you look just like you... and like nothing I've ever imagined... you're so beautiful! So beautiful I could cry! I never dreamed that anything so beautiful could even exist!" Sure enough, she is tearing up a little.
I can't help smiling. I'm beautiful! The real me!
"Faith, what if I went like that again... what if I looked like I really am, and I never came back to normal again?"
She pulls me to her and holds me cheek to cheek. "I would hug you, and I would kiss you, and I would love you forever. And I would never buy light bulbs again!"
This time I'm crying because I'm so happy. I sort of want to see my real self now. I almost feel proud of what I am. I'm so beautiful it made her cry to think of me!
"Faith, you're beautiful too."
"Thanks. Some days I feel like a monster myself."
And all of a sudden I want her so bad. I give her one of those kisses she says I'm so good at. She's doesn't kiss half bad herself! As she sucks on my tongue and we gasp for air, I feel like my whole body is on fire. My heart is pounding. I press into her with my body... but that's not enough. I want to be her.
We lie down together on the tar paper roof. Her hands caress my lower back. My hands find their way inside her clothing, stroking her waist, from her back to her bare belly. Her pants are tight but somehow they come unsnapped. I want to feel more of her than I ever have before. My hands wander higher than her waist, and lower. I need her.
"Stop it, Dawn!"
She pulls my hand away from her. She's staring, like she surprised herself when she snapped at me.
Suddenly I feel like crying and I don't know why. I feel ashamed. "I'm sorry, Faith. I... I'm sorry." My voice breaks.
"It's OK... we just can't do that kind of stuff."
"Did I hurt you?"
"No... no Dawnie... I just can't do that with you."
Tears roll down my cheeks. I know I did something awful. And it felt so good. "Why? Because of Buffy? She'll never know! Because I'm fifteen?"
She pauses for a moment, looking at me. "Yeah... because you're fifteen and I'm eighteen now. Just not legal for us to have sex. Too bad it's not six months ago."
I can tell that's not the real reason. "Like you even care about that!" A thought hits me. "Are you... sick?" I ask, suddenly worried.
"No, no... they test you for all that in prison."
"Then what? Is it me?"
"Well... yes." She sighs. "Look, Dawnie... I don't think I can have sex with you. Not now... not ever. You shouldn't want that."
Not ever? What's wrong with me? I back away from her, crying. "I thought we were... like Willow and Tara. I thought we were lovers."
"Of course we are! You are so attractive to me, Dawn. It's just... isn't wanting each other that way enough? Isn't that better than actually doing it?"
"Better to want sex than to have it?"
"Yeah... it's so exciting and amazing to feel you close and want you. You don't feel that way?"
I don't get what she's talking about at all. "Sure, I feel that way... so why shouldn't we ever have what we want?"
"Dawn, trust me on this. Sex is bad. The wanting is as good as it gets."
Sex is bad? I guess that makes me bad for trying?
"Dawnie... I wish I could make you understand... I had love, real love with you. And then I lost you... and I started having sex with all kinds of guys. I thought that was a kind of love. But it wasn't. And now I don't need that anymore. I have the real thing again! I have you! I have real love! That's so much better than sex, Dawn!"
"Why not have both?"
"That's not how it works, Dawnie. I never want to have sex ever again. Sex feels good for just a moment... and then you hate yourself. And you hate the other person. And they hate you." Now she's crying a little. "I never want to feel that way with you. And I never want you to feel that way about yourself. I would die first!"
I didn't know sex was so awful. But... Willow and Tara had sex, and they loved each other! Is that why they split up? Did it make them hate themselves?
She must be right. That must be something you learn when you grow up. I barely even tried to have sex, and already I'm starting to hate myself for it.
But I don't hate Faith at all. I love her. I want to have sex with her. But I guess the wanting is as good as it gets.
I am so ashamed of myself. I don't feel so beautiful now.
~ Continue to Episode 5 – Love and Hate ~
I would be grateful if you would give me your comments and rate my stories in my Guestbook, or email me. Reader responses will determine whether I publish more stories, and will help improve them! Thanks for reading! (If you'd like to be notified when I post new stories, let me know.)
If you enjoyed this story, try Witch's Faith. Feeling rejected by Tara and Buffy, Willow finds herself helping Faith get out of prison–and falling in love. When the dark Slayer's plots turn deadly, Willow must betray someone she loves. But who will she choose?
Faith walked out to Willow's car in a daze. She didn't truly believe this was happening until the prison gate closed behind them and they were on the open road. The afternoon sun turned to rain and it was the sweetest sound Faith had ever heard. She wished Willow would drive faster. A hundred miles an hour... two hundred! She was ready to slay–vampire after vampire turning to dust before her. And then she wanted sex... real sex, not a stranger's head between her legs in the bathroom, forcing orgasm quickly because privacy might end at any moment. Faith glanced curiously at Willow, wondering if the girl had ever had thoughts of homosexuality.
In the back seat, Faith found a bundle of lovely, wood stakes. The real thing! The Slayer took a stake in her hands. She caressed it, felt its perfect weight. Its solidity made the future suddenly solid as well. "Hey, Red... thanks."
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