The Perfect Drug

By: Claudia Tryniti Rae

Disclaimer: I own neither Big O nor the song used. The song 'The Perfect Drug' belongs to the God of all God's Trent Reznor and Nine Inch Nails. Do not sue me!

I've got my head, but my head is unraveling

can't keep control, can't keep track where it's traveling

I've got my heart but my heart it's no good

and you're the only one that's understood

Dorothy's POV:

I sit here every morning, playing this same mind wrenching concerto to wake him from his slumber. The slumber plagued with demons. And as he wakes he yells at me to stop. Every morning I live with my thoughts and every morning I see you disheveled and seething at me. That anger I have grown to know as the only feeling you have for me. I have given up on any other being there for me. The other woman, though, get all of your attention and flirtation. I see it, so do not deny it is there. All I get is you're cutting remarks and sideways glances.

I come along, but I don't know where you're taking me

I shouldn't go, but you're wrenching - dragging - shaking me

turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky

the more I give to you, the more I die!

I try so hard to do everything you wish me to do. I show no emotion, as you think I have none. But I do, though, every time you make a mean remark, it cuts me through. Forcing me to lose any emotion I may possess. It makes me hard and uncaring. Indifferent as you call it. Yet, when I try to do something human, you tell me not to mimic, that I will never be human. I ask questions because I am curious. That, curiosity I mean, is a human emotion, is it not? But you thwart every attempt I have. All I can do is give in and opress the feelings that i have even more. I am dying on the inside and you do not notice...

and I want you ...

and I want you ...

you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug...

I want you to realize what you do to me Roger. I die on the inside every time you mock me. I hide the pain my by remarks back to you. I hoped that they would convey the pain I felt, but you do not seem to know. You do not seem to care about me. And yet, when I am near you, I become intoxicated by you. You are like a drug to me. The perfect drug...

you make me hard, when I'm all soft inside

I see the truth, when I'm all stupid-eyed

your arrow goes straight through my heart

(without you everything just falls apart)

He just sits there across the table from me, mocking me with his eyes. How can he not see what he does to me? His taunts cease as I stare at him. I could drown in those eyes of his. Those eyes are the windows to his tainted soul. With every word he cuts me with, I build this shell to protect myself. I cannot take all of this pain he brings to me. That is why I prefer to be with him when he sleeps. I can tell him what I think without him telling me i have no emotions. Without him saying I will never be human. I am human. I believe myself human. But without him there to protect me, I crumble.

my blood wants to say "hello" to you

my fears wanna get inside of you

my soul is so afraid to realize

(how very little there is left of me)

I look into my mirror, trying to see what he sees. I think he sees a robot, a machine. But when I look I see a woman. I look and feel real enough, what does not please him? Is it the way I talk? Is it the way I ask questions? What is it that he sees and I do not? I want to know what he thinks. What he sees. What he feels. But as I think, I realize hust how empty he must be. How empty I am...

and I want you...

I need to feel you Roger. I need to know what I am and what I am not. I want just like a human; I need just like a human... Why then am I not human to you?

you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug...

You make me dilusional, you know. I find myself thinking what it is like to hold you. What it is like to kiss you. What it is like to make love to you... But you don't realize I can wonder, do you? You think I am just a machine, incapeable of feeling, wondering, wanting...

you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug...

You fill my senses and block my thoughts. You make my heart beat faster and my brain run in circles. I begin to think about you all the time. I begin to feel funny and think strange thoughts. I want to know what you want from me. Paranoia creeps over me and I becomre restless. I walk to your room to find the answer to all of these questions swimming in my head.

(take me, if you want)

without you, without you everything falls apart

I walk to you. You thrash about in your large bed. The silken sheets wrap around your strong figure like a second skin. I slowly remove the sheets from around your body and wake you. As you come to, you stare at me. You never knew I came to you at night, did you? Well I do, I watch you every night. Comfort you and chase away the demons. But you never notice.

(take me, if you want)

without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

You stare back at me as if I was a stranger. I look into your eyes. They are as pained as I feel. You don't know I feel do you? Why would you? You never noticed all those times I wanted to slap you for saying those things that you said. You never noticed all those times I wanted to pounce on you and rip your clothes off. I walk to you, thinking, 'Take me, if you want...'

(take me, if you want)

without you, without you everything falls apart

You see your living doll, your servent girl, stride to you as though she were your lover. But I am not. All of those other women were. They were all an escape for you, were they not? Don't deny it. I heard you scream my name as you came with them and then the resounding slap, the angry words, the slamming of doors and pounding of feet. And I would smirk. I knew you were wanting me as badly as I you. Then take me if you want...

(take me, if you want)

without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

(take me, if you want)

You know what I say is true, Roger. Do not try to change the subject. I know why you hurt me. You do not want me to get to close to you. Well I do Roger, I do. If you will not do it then I will leave. You living doll will walk out of your life. If you do not prove to me that you want me here, then I will comply and leave you to the booze and women. All I ask is this... "Take me if you want..."

it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

without you, without you everything falls apart

without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

I awake to the piano keys. Feather duster in one hand. I sigh and look up to see the morning light. No, the morning rain. And I am there to pick up the pieces of your latest lady friend. The broken door knob and the sadened look in your eyes. The bottle of tequila in your hand tells me all I need to know. Roger, do you know how hard it is to pick up the pieces... alone?

A.N: I know, I know... No more Song Fics... they always turn out depressing... Oh well, may as well write what I know, huh? Well, R&R anyway.

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Email: Claudia13@angelfire.com