Batman – Gundam Wing Style!

By Liz

Liz: Hello, and welcome to my twisted little story. : P I’d like to warn you before you read on: this is going to get extremely silly! So if you don’t like that sort of thing, TURN BACK NOW!! Thank you.

Now, to get started, we’ll need the characters. Okay, let’s see. Batman. Well, obviously it’s gotta be someone who’s strong –

Duo: *looking extremely pleased*

Liz: – and a good fighter –

Duo: *looking even more pleased*

Liz: – and, oh yeah, he should be cute.

Duo: Well, the whole mask-and-cape thing would tend to cover up my natural beauty, wouldn’t it?

Liz: Uh, Duo, I was talking about Heero.

Duo: WHAT?!?! Heero?! But he’s such a… such a…. Well, he hardly ever talks, and he ALWAYS gets the good parts! Like when Trowa picked him to go fight the Wing Zero!

Trowa: That wasn’t exactly what you’d call fun.

Quatre: *sweatdrops* Aheheheh….

Duo: But think about it! "God of Death" and "the Dark Knight" – cummon! I’m perfect! I’M BETTER THAN ZER0-ONE!!

Heero: Baka.

Liz: It’s okay, Duo, I’ve got a good part for you too.

Duo: *raises an eyebrow* Oh, yeah? Like what, Alfred the butler?

Liz: No, that’s Zechs.

Zechs: What the – ? Now wait just a minute –

Heero: *grins* I think I’m going to like this.

Liz: I though you would.

Duo: Okay, so what’s my part?

Liz: You’re Robin.

Duo: Oh, just great! I get to run around after Heero in a leotard and Spandex!

Heero: They’re not that bad once you get used to them.

Duo: Easy for you to say, Mr. Perfect Soldier! Let me remind you that you’ve been shot twice –

Heero: By you.

Duo: Yeah, well anyway, you’ve been shot twice, fell out of a hundred-story building and then a cliff and set your own broken leg, blew yourself up – perhaps more than once – and generally seemed to have pretty suicidal tendencies. After all that, I don’t think Spandex would bother you much.

Liz: Cheer up, Duo, at least you get to ride a motorcycle.

Duo: *looking grumpy* Yeah, I guess.

Liz: *sighs* okay, now for the villains. Poison Ivy will be played by Relena.

Relena: *looks shocked, then smiles and winks at Heero, who looks terrified* This should be fun….

Liz: And Lady Une, you’re Two-Face.

Une: What? But he’s supposed to be a man!

Liz: Well, not any more. Besides, you’ve got two personalities, it’s convenient.

Une: *sighs* Fine.

Liz: Thank you. Okay, now the Joker, Batman’s arch-nemesis, will be played by Treize.

Zechs: But I’m Heero’s archenemy! I should be the Joker!

Liz: Yeah, but you’re busy being the butler: cleaning up after Heero, waiting on him hand and foot, cooking his meals, doing his laundry….

Zechs: *mumbling* I can’t believe this….

Liz: Okay, moving on. Let’s see…. Hilde, you’re Cat Woman.

Hilde: *holding up a tight black bodysuit* I don’t know about this….

Duo: *does a double take* Is that your costume? Maybe this won’t be so bad after all!

Hilde: Shut up, Spandex-Boy.

Liz: All right, break it up you two. Everyone here is going to suffer costume-wise, so get used to it. Now, next we have Quatre as… *giggles* …the Penguin.

Quatre: *turning pale* What?

Liz: You’re the shortest guy here, what can I say?

Quatre: *mumbling* Thanks a lot….

Liz: Just try to be a good sport, okay? *looks at list* Now, Noin, you’re the Riddler.

Noin: *shrugs*

Liz: And Trowa, you’re Dr. Freeze.

Trowa: *no comment, as usual*

Liz: Well, that should be everybody, right?

Wu-fei: No! What about me?

Liz: *looking up and down list, getting increasingly nervous* Uh….

Wu-fei: You don’t have a part for me?!?!?!

Liz: *sweatdrops* Well, there is one more part left….

Wu-fei: What is it?

Liz: Uh….

Wu-fei: Well?

Liz: It’s… Bat Girl.

Wu-fei: *shocked silence, then* BAT GIRL?!?!?! You mean I have to play a WOMAN?!?!

Liz: Uh….

All: *giggling*

Wu-fei: *turns on them, holding up his katana* DON’T LAUGH AT ME!!! THIS ISN’T FUNNY!!

All: *now in fits of laughter as they picture Wu-fei in a Bat Girl costume*

Wu-fei: *turning red and raising the katana*

Duo: *still laughing* Maybe… you should get Sally… to help you with your costume!

All: *new burst of laughter*

Wu-fei: *swinging the katana* Why you little &^%$#@!!!

Duo: *runs away very quickly*

Wu-fei: *running after him* Get back here, you long-haired, woman-loving BAKA!! You’re the saddest excuse for a pilot in the entire cast!!!!

Duo: *calling back over his shoulder* At least I don’t believe there’s a dead woman living in my Gundam!

Wu-fei: *looking like he’s just had a serious overdose of the Zero System* NO ONE ISULTS NATAKU!!!!! *swings katana again and runs even faster*

Liz: *slapping forehead and sighing in exasperation*

Treize: Want me to stop him?

Liz: Sure, you did beat him in a swordfight once. *thinks for a moment* Then again, he did kill you….

Treize: Kill me?! Weren’t you paying attention? He didn’t kill me, I used him to kill myself! It was my way of ending the war, because I knew Milliardo wouldn’t – *suddenly looks very confused* Wait, if I’m dead, how can I be here?

Liz: *shrugs* It’s a humor fic! Besides, I needed someone to play the Joker. Now go stop Wu-fei.

Treize: *wandering away, still looking confused*

Liz: *sighs and shakes her head* Okay, it’s time to film the opening sequence. But I don’t think I’ll be able to fit you all into this episode.

Quatre: *in a coat-tail, top hat and monocle* Good, I don’t want anyone to see me like this. Dorothy would never let me forget it!

Liz: *smiling innocently* Oh, don’t worry, I’m doing my best to fit you into this episode.

Quatre: *glares* I can’t believe this…. *grins evilly* But you better be careful, or I might go Zero-System on you!! *starts cackling insanely and rubbing his hands together*

Liz: *backing away* Uh, yeah. *swallows* Okay, on with the show!

(*deep breath* Heero, Duo, Quatre, Wu-fei, Relena, Hilde, Zechs, Noin, Une and Treize *whew* are all standing around in the Bat Cave set.)

Liz: *with megaphone and script* Okay, everybody, let’s get started. I need Heero and –

Quatre: Eek!! *hides behind Liz*

Liz: What is it?

Quatre: *points*

(Everyone looks and sees that Dorothy, Catherine, and Sally have just entered the filming set through a side door. They are all wearing overalls.)

Quatre: *whispering to Liz* What are they doing here?

Liz: They’re supposed to be here – they’re the stage crew.

Quatre: *groans* You hired them as the stage crew?

Liz: *shrugs* I didn’t have parts for them, and I couldn’t leave them out of this story – especially Dorothy, she wouldn’t have been happy about that. She’s not exactly thrilled as it is.

Dorothy: *looks around, spots Quatre and runs up to him* Oh, Quatre! You look so CUTE in that oufit!! Oh, this is going to be so FUN!

Quatre: *groans* Hi, Dorothy.

Wu-fei: *stomps up to Liz holding his costume* That’s it, woman, there is no possible way in all of the Earth Sphere I am going to wear this! It is an outright insult to my honor, and HE *glares at Duo* dissolves into fits of laughter every time I walk by! It is absolutely HUMILIATING!!! *throws the costume on the ground and stalks away*

Liz: *sighs* Great! Now what? We don’t have a Bat Girl!

Dorothy: *smiles and picks up the Bat Girl costume* I’ll play Bat Girl!

Hilde: *hurries over and hands Dorothy her Cat Woman costume* Wait a sec, I can’t wear that. You be Cat Woman, I’ll be Bat Girl.

Dorothy: *shrugs* Okay! *puts an arm around Quatre’s shoulders* Maybe we can team up and make schemes against the mean old Batman! *giggles and pinches his cheek* Oh, you’re so CUTE!! I just can’t get over it!

Quatre: *looks about ready to go Zero-System and kill everyone in the room*

Liz: *sensing the impending danger* Uh, okay, Dorothy, why don’t you go get into costume? You too, Hilde. And Sally, could you go find Wu-fei and tell him he’s on stage crew?

Sally: Sure, but it’s too bad. I was kind of looking forward to seeing him in a Bat Girl costume. *grins and follows after Wu-fei*

Liz: *sighs and shakes her head*

Relena: *walking up to the others and looksing dissapointed* Have any of you seen Heero? I can’t find him anywhere!

Duo: *muttering* That’s a first….

Liz: I think he’s looking at the Bat Mobile.

(Everyone follows her over to where Heero is inspecting the Bat Mobile.)

Heero: *to Liz* What is this?

Liz: It’s the Bat Mobile!

Heero: *looking blank*

Liz: Your car!

Heero: *blinks* No Gundam?

Liz: What? No, no Gundam!

Heero: Not even a mobile suit?

Liz: *sighs* No, no mobile suit. No Gundam, No Leo, no Taurus, no mobile suit. This isn’t AC 195 anymore. It’s Gotham City, sometime in the 20^th century. You’re not Heero Yuy anymore, you’re Batman. And Batman drives the Bat Mobile.

Duo: *looking thoughful* You know, a Gundam would be a lot more convenient. You would have a vehicle which could travel both on land and in the air. It’s got a whole lot more weapons, and think of what the criminals would think if they saw a Gundam in Gotham!

(Everyone starts talking to each other and nodding in agreement.)

Liz: Okay, okay, you got it. Batman… in a Gundam. *sighs* Stage crew, see if you can get Wing Zero in here.

(Catherine and Sally salute, then jog off with Wu-fei in tow.)

Liz: Okay, now that that’s settled, can we please get started –

Noin: Oh, Zechs! You look so CUTE!! *runs up to Zechs, who has just entered the stage in his butler costume*

Duo: *grinning* I can just hear it now! "Master Heero, would you like a cup of tea? Master Heero, where should I put your new shirt, now that it’s back from the tailor? Master Heero, shall I polish your gun collection today, or make you a martini?"

Heero: *grins* Oh, yeah….

Relena: *looks at Zechs again and giggles* You look like Pagan!

Zechs: Relena, I wouldn’t talk if I were you.

Relena: *looking offended* What’s wrong with my costume?

Zechs: You look like a tree-hugging night-club dancer, that’s what! *to Liz* Where did you get these costumes, anyway?

Liz: Hey, I didn’t make them up! *looking around* Well, now that we’re all dressed, let’s get started!

Dorothy: *now wearing the Cat Woman costume* Right! *pinches Quatre’s cheek again* I’m ready if you are, my little pidgeon!

Quatre: *muttering and trying in vain to inch away from Dorothy* I’m a penguin, not a pidgeon. That’s PENGUIN.

Dorothy: *shrugs* Whatever! You’re still just as cute!

Liz: Okay, people, let’s PLEASE get started! *looking around* I take it there are no more problems?

Trowa: *removes helmet, teeth chattering* Th-this s-suit is a b-b-bit ch-chilly, I th-think.

Liz: You’re Dr. Freeze! You’re supposed to be cold!

Trowa: N-not th-this c-c-cold….

Liz: Okay, fine. If it’s really bothering you just unplug the freezing pack on the back of your suit. Now, any more problems?

(No one speaks.)

Liz: Good! Now let’s get going with SCENE 1!

(A dark warehouse storeroom with covered windows and a bare bulb hanging from the ceiling. All the villains are sitting around a table: Treize/Joker is at the head of the table, Une/Two-Face and Noin/Riddler are on either side of him. Relena/Poison Ivy is sitting next to Trowa/Dr. Freeze, who has disconnected his freezing unit and is now surrounded by a pool of water. Dorothy/Cat Woman is sitting next to Quatre/Penguin and hugging his arm.)

Treize: …. So once the transmitters are in place, we’ll set off the bombs to create a diversion and –

Dorothy: Oh, how BRILLIANT, Mr. Trei – er, Joker! *jumps up and down in her seat with excitement* Isn’t that so clever, my dove? *shakes Quatre’s arm*

Quatre: *glaring out from under his top hat* Rather. And I’m a penguin.

Dorothy: *smiles happyily* Whatever!

Relena: Dor – uh, Cat Woman, do you even understand the plan that the Joker has just proposed?

Dorothy: *thinks for a moment, then shrugs* Not really, but at least there will be fighting! I LOVE fighting! *shakes Quatre* Isn’t that right, Quatre?

Quatre: *muttering* I should know. *pauses* And I’m the PENGUIN!!

Dorothy: *shrugs* You’re still my little –

Trowa: Could you two cut it out? You’re giving me a headache. *mops his face with a towel and tugs at the sleeve of his suit* Is it just me or is it really hot in here?

Une: It’s your suit, Doctor.

Trowa: Oh, right. *gets up* Well it’s interfering with my concentration. I’ll be right back. *starts towards the door*

(Suddenly, Duo/Robin crashes through the door on his motorcycle and leaps up onto the table. Hilde/Bat Girl runs through the doorway after him and stands next to the table.)

Duo: Wow, this is such a cool part! Okay. *clears his throat* Don’t move, anybody! This party is over – now! *looks at the door* Uh…. *clears his throat* I said, "This party is over – now!" *looks at the door* Man, I can’t believe this! Where’s Heero? He’s supposed to – *stops and looks over at the wall* What was that?

(Everyone looks over at the wall. A groaning sound is coming from the main area of the warehouse.)

Trowa: I don’t know. It almost sounded like –

(The wall suddenly explodes inward, showering the room with rubble. Everyone ducks to avoid flying debris.)

Duo: What the – ?!

(When the dust clears, everyone finds themself staring down the barrel of Wing Zero’s Buster Rifle, which is sticking through the hole in the wall. Heero soon appears, standing ontop of the Gundam’s fist, wearing his tank top and Spandex and holding a gun.)

Duo: Heero?! What the &^%$#@ do you think you’re doing?!

Heero: *levels the gun between Treize’s eyes* I am fulfilling my mission: to stop the Joker from carrying out his plan.

Treize: *holding out his hands in a gesture of submission and closing his eyes* If that is the destiny that has been shown to you, then so be it.

Heero: *tightening his finger on the trigger and preparing to fire*

(Liz runs into the room, followed by Sally, Catherine, and Wu-fei.)

Liz: *waving her arms* Stop!! STOP!! Heero, what do you think you’re doing?

Heero: *looks at her* I am fulfilling my mission.

Liz: Your mission?! Heero, you’re not supposed to KILL anyone! Batman never kills his enemies, he only gets them arrested!

Heero: That was not specified in the mission outline –

Liz: Nevermind. Just, from now on, no killing anyone, no guns, and no demolishing buildings with your Gundam!

Heero: *lowers his gun and nods* Understood.

Liz: *sighs* Great. *looks around the set and puts her hands on her hips* So what are we going to do about this set?

Catherine: *scratches her head* Looks pretty bad.

Wu-fei: Wonderful. This is going to take forever to clean up! *glares at Heero out of the corner of his eye* All because Mr. Mission-Comes-First had to go play "let’s destroy the set – "

Sally: *puts a hand on Wu-fei’s arm* It’s okay, Wu-fei. *to Liz* We’ll get right on it.

Liz: *gives her a grateful smile* Thanks. *surveys the wreckage again* I knew giving Heero a Gundam wasn’t a good idea….

Trowa: *walks up to Liz* This suit isn’t getting any more comfortable. I’m going to change.

Liz: Change? But that’s your costume! What can you change into and still be Dr. Freeze?

Trowa: I don’t know, but I can’t wear this. *head for the door*

Liz: *sighs* This is goin just GREAT so far! *looks at the ceiling* I had to become an obsessed fan writer of GUNDAM WING, didn’t I? I had to pick the Anime show with a complete cast of LUNATICS, didn’t I?

Relena: *puts a hand on her shoulder* It’s okay. I’m sure it will get better. We’re just having a little trouble getting off the gound, that’s all.

Liz: *nods* Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Zechs: *entering the room* What’s going on in here? What was all that noise? *turns around*

Relena: *staring at Zechs, obviously trying to stifle fits of laughter*

Zechs: *indignantly* What’s so funny? Is it my costume again? Well, I wouldn’t think it was funny if I were you, Miss Queen of the Greenhouse.

Relena: *gives up and bursts out laughing hysterically*

Zechs: *looking annoyed* It’s not that funny….

Liz: *sighs* I’m afraid it is. Have you looked in the mirror since you put your costume on?

Zechs: *looking confused* No, why?

Liz: Someone wrote "I love Heero Yuy" on your back in white-out, with little hearts all around it.

Zechs: WHAT?!?! *looks around the room, fuming* And I’ll bet I know who did it….

(Duo, talking to Hilde on the other side of the room, sees Zechs and quickly heads for the hole in the wall made by Wing Zero.)

Zechs: *spots Duo and rushes after him* Oh no you don’t!

(Duo climbs up Wing Zero’s arm and disappears. Zechs follows close behind, shouting insults at Duo.)

Relena: *still laughing hysterically, leaning on Liz to stay on her feet* I… take it back. This… this is a disaster!

Liz: *rolls her eyes* Yup, that’s what I figured. *gestures to the ruined set and shakes her head* Well, we obviously can’t film this scene today. We’ll move on to another one and come back to this one later.

(Quatre suddenly runs by really fast, with Dorothy close on his heels.)

Dorothy: *waving a fencing foil* Come back, Quatre! Don’t you want to play with me?

Quatre: AAARRGGHHH!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!!!

Liz: *shakes her head* No doubt about it – this story is doomed.

Relena: You got that right!

Liz: *sighs* Oh, well. On to Scene 2….

Relena: … and God help us.

(Liz, Hilde, and Heero – in Batman costume now – are standing in a back alley with all the villains, except Trowa.)

Liz: *again with megaphone and script* Okay, now in this scene, Batman, Bat Girl, and Robin – *looks around* Hey, where’s Duo? He’s in this scene!

Hilde: I haven’t seen him since he was trying to get away from Zechs.

Liz: Yeah, me neither. *looks around again* Great! This is all we need, a missing actor. Terrific!

Heero: *suddenly whips out his gun from under his cape and looks around*

Liz: What is it? *looks at the gun* Heero, I thought I told you no guns from now on!

Heero: *holds up a finger* Shh!

Liz: *looks around* What?

(Suddenly, an explosion is heard, and the ground shakes. The buildings on either side of the alley sway dangerously.)

Liz: Oh, no! Not these sets, too!

Relena: Guess you should have built them stronger.

Liz: Oh, shut up! This wasn’t exactly a mult-million dollar project here! We had to make do.

(Trowa runs into the alley, in OZ uniform.)

Trowa: Quick, everyone! You’ve got to get out of here before the sets collapse!

Liz: *looks at Trowa* Why are you wearing THAT?

Trowa: *looks down at his OZ uniform* It was the best I could find. Would you rather I wear my clown costume?

Liz: No, I guess not. *to everyone else* Come on, let’s get out of here!

(Everyone runs out of the alley set. They all stop when they see what made the explosion.)

Liz: WHAT THE – ?!?!?!

(The Epyon and the Deathscythe are in the middle of a fierce battle, right in the middle of the Gotham City set.)

Liz: *running forward a few feet* What the [beep] do they think they’re doing?!?!

Treize: *coming up beside Liz* They must find honor and identity in battling with each other. Their identities as losers and winners of a battle must coincide with the will of God and the hearts of all the people of the Earth and the colonies. The despair and meaning of their battle will change as –

Liz: Just SHUT UP, will you?!?! That stuff doesn’t even MEAN anything! Just listen to what you’re saying for once!!!

Treize: *looking confused* What are you saying, exactly?

Liz: *ignoring Treize and looking at the battling mobile suits again* We’ve got to stop them before they before they destroy the entire set!!

(The Deathscythe swings its thermal energy scythe, but Epyon flies up out of the way. The glowing green weapon demolishes several model buildings. Epyon uses its whip to attack, but the Deathscythe dodges and crushes several more buildings in the process. The Epyon’s whip does considerable damage to the miniature Gotham City set as it attacks again.)

Liz: *with her hands on her head* What are we going to do?! This whole story is going to be ruined!

Dorothy: Why don’t you let the other Gundam pilots take care of it? I’m sure they’re up to it – aren’t you, Quatre?

Quatre: *in a complete monotone* Whatever you say, my kitten.

Dorothy: *squeals with pleasure* Ooh, I LOVE it when you talk like that!!

Liz: I’m not so sure that letting the other pilots loose in their Gundams will help very much –

Heero: *cutting Liz off* Mission accepted. *runs off to get his Gundam*

Dorothy: *pushing Quatre* Go on, now, Pidgeon, get your Gundam and go stop mean old Duo and Zechs from destroying the set!

Quatre: *runs off as fast as he can, seeing a chance to escape from Dorothy*

Wu-fei: *entering the filming area* Did I hear someone say, "Gundam"? Hold on, Nataku, I’m coming!! *runs off after Heero and Quatre*

Trowa: *shrugs at Liz and follows his companions*

Liz: *looking very distressed* Oh, NO!! That’s the end of this story, I just know it! They’re going to destroy every splinter of set we’ve got here!

Sally: Maybe it would be a good idea just to end the story before things get too ugly.

Liz: *sighs* I guess you’re right.

(Liz reaches into her pocket and pulls out a glass case. Inside is a big red button marked: "In case of emergency, press to end story.")

Liz: *flips open box and places finger over the big red button* My only option left is….

Relena: You sound a lot like Heero.

Liz: *sighs* Well, I guess this story was doomed from the beginning. This is what you get when you put together a bunch of crazy, suicidal mobile suit pilots in strange costumes and unfamilar surroundings, and give them an excuse to be violent…. *blinks* Jeez, what was I THINKING?!?!

Catherine: *pats Liz’s shoulder* Cheer up, this wasn’t a total loss!

Liz: *raises an eyebrow* Please enlighten me.

Catherine: Well, you didn’t get the Batman story you wanted, but just look at all that’s happened during the filming! It’s quite a funny story by itself. *holds out hands like she’s reading a sign* "The Making of ‘Batman – Gundam Wing Style’"!

Liz: *eyes widening* Hey, you’re right! I guess this wasn’t so bad after all! *looks at the big red button* Well, here we go. Say goodbye to our faithful readers, everybody!

All: *waving* BYE!!

BANG!!