Dumb-Dumb Wing
By Justin Swartz
*Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Sunrise, Bandai, and the Sotsu Agency do, though. I also don't own anything about The Bob Newhart Show, but I do have the Bob Newhart anthology from Rhino Records.*
After Endless Waltz, all five of the Gundam pilots find themselves at a kind of crossroads in their lives. In a desperate struggle to find meaning to their existence (and to avoid blowing themselves up in mobile suits), they take a trip to the windy city to meet the popular psychologist Bob Hartley. What follows is a direct account of what occured during each of their meetings and their one (and only) group session...with Relena!
Heero vs. Bob
Heero, dressed in the hideous green shirt and spandex pants, sits on Bob's couch and stares at Bob coldly through his brown locks.
Bob: How do you do, Mr. Yui? I'm Bob Hartley.
Heero: Right. Can we get started?
Bob: I...suppose so. What would you like to talk about?
Heero: I don't know. I don't even know why I'm here. I guess this is just a distraction from my real mission.
Bob: Your mission? What is your mission, Heero?
Heero: I'm sorry, but if I told you I would have to kill you.
Bob: Ha! At least you still have your sense your humor.
Heero: I'm not joking.
Bob senses Heero's icey stare and plays with his tie.
Bob: Ah, right. Why do you think you're here, Heero?
Heero: This is just a diversion from my real desire, I guess.
Bob: What would that desire be?
Heero: To blow myself up.
Bob is taken slightly aback, but he only blinks in response.
Bob: To...to blow yourself up. That's your only desire?
Heero: Yes.
Bob: And how would you...go about doing this?
Heero: First I would have to find myself a mobile suit.
Bob: Well, those are pretty hard to find these days. Relena Dorlan has stopped production of those completely.
At the mention of Relena's name, Heero looks up at Bob, his eyes growing wide.
Heero: (softly) Relena.
Bob: Do you know her, Heero?
Heero appears to shake himself out of a stuper and returns to his stone-cold state.
Heero: No, not at all.
Bob: Okay...do you have any other desires? Our time is almost up, since your friends are waiting outside.
Heero: I suppose I do have one other desire in my life...
Bob: And what would that be? It isn't dangerous, is it?
Heero: Not really. It has to do with my clothes.
Bob: I happen to think your clothes are fine.
(thinking) Boy, how does he wear those pants?
Heero: Well, I don't. I need a decent pair of pants! I need some pants! These things are killing me!
Duo vs. Bob
Bob: How do you do, Mr. Maxwell? I'm Bob Hartley.
Duo: (shaking Bob's hands vigourusly)Glad to meet 'ya, Bob! I'm doing just fine!
Bob: (thinking) Overly friendly...might be a form of denial...
Duo: Hey, funky couch, man.
Bob: Ah, thank you. Now, why do you think you're here, Duo?
Duo: Frankly, I don't know. I guess I just went along with those fools outside--
Bob: (cutting him off) Now, why are they fools?
Duo: Why, everyone's a fool! You are, even!
Bob: Why am I a fool?
Duo: Because I'm Duo Maxwell! I'm the Great Destroyer!
Bob: I see. Would you like some coffee, Duo?
Duo: Ah, sure! Make it strong and hot!
Bob stands up and makes a quick dash to the door, almost forgetting to turn the door knob. He rushes to the desk and gets Carol's attention.
Bob: Carol, get a hold of security. Tell them to come up here and...do something. I think I have a double personality in my office right now.
Carol: Well, his name is Duo, Bob...
Trowa vs. Bob
Bob: (taking a deep breath) Good afternoon, Mr. Barton. I'm Bob Hartley.
Trowa becomes the complete cordial gentleman, shaking Bob's hands with the perfect amount of pressure and looking him in the eye.
Trowa: Hello, Mr. Hartley. A pleasure to meet you.
Bob: Please, have a seat. (thinking) This one might just be okay...
Trowa picks up a pen from Bob's table and begins doing tricks with it.
Bob: Amazing, Trowa. You certainly have an apt for that.
Trowa seems depressed by Bob's statement and stops.
Bob: Did I say something wrong?
Trowa: No, not really. It's just...I don't seem able to take a compliment. From anyone.
Bob: Well, that's not a large problem, Trowa. A lot of people do the same thing. Heck, even I do it every once in a while. It's simply being human and always thinking that there is something better that we could be doing. If you don't mind me saying so, you seem to be the most well-adjusted of all your friends out there.
Trowa: Well, I wouldn't say that...you see, I do have one other problem.
Bob reaches for his coffee and takes a sip as he asks,
Bob: What is that problem, Trowa?
Trowa: I'm broke!
Bob spits his coffee across the room and almost drops the mug on the carpet.
Bob: You're what?
Trowa: I don't have any money! I earn very little performing in the circus, and what I do get I spend on food and hairspray!
Bob: (despairingly) Hairspray?!
Trowa: (tapping his wild flock of hair) Yes, hairspray! How do you think I get my hair to defy gravity?
Bob: (quietly) These guys are nuts.
Quetra vs. Bob
Bob: I'm running short on time, Quatra, so I'll just skip the introductions, if you don't mind.
Quetra: That's fine, but my name is Quetra, not Quatra.
Bob: Right...Cather. Now, why do you think you're here.
Quetra: That's Quetra, not Catcher, and I suppose I'm here because I'm too nice.
Bob: Well...Quetra...that is a problem sometimes, people thinking that they are too nice. I understand the old saying that 'Nice people only get hurt,' and that is sometimes true, but in the end you can only gain from being nice to someone.
Quetra: (thinks)Hmm...what do you think of the others?
Bob: I feel I can be frank with you, Quetra, so...they're all nuts.
Quetra: (laughing) Well, I used to think that too, but they're all really nice guys once you get to know them.
Bob: (thinking) How can I get to know them when they would all rather kill me first?
Woo Fei vs. Bob
Woo Fei: Nataku would like to say something before we start, Dr. Hartley.
Bob: Who...who's Nataku?
Woo Fei: He is my companion. He...is part of my warrior spirit.
Bob: I see. Would you consider yourself a warrior, Woo Fei?
Woo Fei: Not entirely. I have lost battles.
Bob: Well, it's better to have tried and lost than to have not tried at all. Now, what was it Nataku wanted to tell me?
Woo Fei: (leaning to his left, as if listening) He says that I should not listen to a word you say, and that I should kill you where you stand.
Bob: (standing up quickly) Do...do you always listen to what Nataku tells you?
Woo Fei: Not always.
Woo Fei stands up, bows to Bob, and leaves the office. Bob collapses in a heap in his desk chair.
Bob: Let's see...Heero is suicidal and not a slave to fashion...Duo suffers from a rare split-personality syndrome where one side is overly friendly and the other overly-judging of others...Trowa is addicted to hairspray and self-upkeep...Quetra appears to hate being nice, but can't help himself; might be classic confusion case...and Woo Fei displaces his "warrior spirit" in an imaginary friend called Nataku.
(sighs)This is going to be a tough one.
Bob picks up the phone and dials quickly.
Bob: Yes, Relena Dorlan? This is Bob Hartley. No, nothing's wrong with your appointment, it's just that I have a patient here by the name of Heero Yui. Is this the same Heero you talked to me about earlier? It is! This is your..."dream prince?" No, the rest of them are here too...I'm calling them together for a group therapy session and I was wondering if you would be able to make it. Would next Wednesday work out? Great. See you then.
The Gundam Boys vs. Bob vs. Relena
The five Gundam pilots sit in Bob's office. Duo is handcuffed to an easy chair, Trowa, Quetra, and Woo Fei share the couch, and Heero is sitting in a rocking chair by the window, staring at the frosty panes. Trowa balances one of Bob's coffee mugs on his nose, Woo Fei keeps whispering to the wall, Quetra is filling out a crossword puzzle, and Duo continually tries to loosen his cuffs.
Bob: I've called you all hear because after listening to all of your problems, I thought that working as a group would be very helpful. But, before we get started, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
Bob opens the door, and Relena steps through. Her eyes lock on Heero, and he turns slowly to face her as she says,
Relena: (softly) Heero.
Heero: (softly) Relena.
Relena: (softly, but with more emotion) Heero.
Heero: (softer) Relena.
As they repeat each others' names, they move slowly to Bob's desk, where they sit opposite each other and stare dreamily into one other's eyes.
Bob: Ah, Relena? Heero? This is a group session...
Quetra: Just leave the two of them alone.
He winks at Bob to add to his statement.
Bob: Okay then...I'd like to try a little exercise with the rest of you first. Ah, Trowa! I'll start with you. I would like you to say one nice thing about Duo.
Trowa: If I were ever in trouble, I'd want Duo to watch my back.
Duo: Same here, Trowa!
He slaps Trowa emphatically on the back, making Trowa drop the coffee mug he was juggling.
Bob: Okay, that worked out well. Duo...say something nice about Quetra.
Duo: Ah...hmm...he's trustworthy.
Quetra: (smiling)Thanks, Duo.
Bob: All right...Quetra, say something nice about Trowa.
Quetra: He is a good friend.
Quetra puts his hand on Trowa's shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze.
Bob: Well, that was very, very good. Now, Woo Fei...say something nice about--
Duo: Wait a minute, wait a minute. How come what I said was just good and Quetra's was "very good?"
Bob: That just happened to be the choice of words I used.
Duo: You're not fooling me for a minute, pal! You're playin' favorites!
Quetra: Stop it, Duo!
Duo: I'm not going to stop, Catcher! I'm sick of your butt-kissing to get what you want!
Quetra is taken aback by Duo's cut, and he begins to cry.
Quetra: My name's Quetra, you, you...sissy!
Duo: Sissy?
Trowa: Sissy?
Bob: Sissy?
Heero & Relena: Sissy?
Woo Fei: Nataku, Quetra just called Duo a sissy!
Quetra: Yeah! Sissy! What's with that ponytail! Get a haircut and drop the Destroyer crap! You had problems with mobile dolls! I bet you couldn't even blow up Sandrock!
Duo: (darkly) Wanna try it, kiss-butt?
Bob: Duo, one more and security is going to have to escort you out. Quetra, sit down.
Quetra: (shaking his head) I'm very sorry, Dr. Hartley. I...I don't know what came over me.
Woo Fei: Quetra, Nataku says that you have..."bearings of steel."
Bob: Okay, let's try another tactic...why did each of you become Gundam pilots?
The four boys are struck silent by Bob's question. Heero stops whispering Relena's name and stares out at Bob.
Bob: Does anyone know? Or did you guys just not have anything better to do?
Heero: I had this overwhelming desire to break something. A lot of somethings, actually.
Woo Fei: Nataku urged me to do it. He said it was time for me to become a real warrior.
Quetra: I was just a spoiled brat, basically; I needed something to do.
Trowa: I wasn't satisfied with my performances up to that point, so I decided that a Gundam would be the ultimate performance piece.
Duo: I became a Gundam pilot to save the world from all of you fools!
Bob: One more, Duo, one more...
Duo: I'm sick of this! Why can't I just go home?
Bob: All right, that's it! All of you are just nuts!!
Everyone, except Bob, is shocked at his outburst, and stare in disbelief at him.
Bob: Really! This is so stupid it's...it's just ridiculous! Relena, Heero is not your "fated lover." Being a nice, quiet woman you are attracted to Heero's wild qualities. Get over it and marry an accountant or something. Heero, you want to be a perfect soldier but can't because you're head-over-heels in love with Relena. Admit it and move on. Duo, you are too judgemental of people and it has resulted in your mind creating two seperate personalities. Trowa, save your money and buy yourself a real haircut. Quetra, stop being nice to get what you want. Woo Fei, cut the Nataku crap. There is no Nataku! He isn't real!
Taking a deep breath, Bob sits back down and finds all eyes are still on him.
Bob: What...what are you all looking at me like that for?
Quetra: Everything you said...was true. We're a bunch of losers. Dumb-dumbs, I guess. Dumb-dumbs in gundams, and everybody knew it but us.
The other pilots nod their agreement.
Quetra: Thank you for your time, Mr. Hartley. We have to be going now.
Bob: Where will you go?
Quetra: I'm going to go back to my home colony and invest my dad's fortune in the stock market.
Duo: I'm going to ask Hilde to marry me. She may not know the difference between a t-bone and a porterhouse, but she knows me better than I know myself.
Trowa: I'm going to buy a gift for Kathy and shave my head.
Woo Fei: I must go into the Tibetan mountains and find my warrior spirit. It will be hard to give up Nataku, but I will try.
Heero: I have no where to go.
Relena: You could stay with me, Heero. Be my...bodyguard.
Heero looks up at her and actually smiles.
Heero: Paid vacations?
Relena: Anything you like.
She winks to accentuate her proposition. Heero beams, cracking Bob's office mirror.
Bob: You guys aren't getting it! You're just over-compensating because you can't face up to how badly you've been acting! Just...just get lost, would you? You guys are hopeless.
Walking on a city sidewalk with a blustery storm of snow flurries blasting around them, the troop of crazies begin to contemplate the session.
Quetra: Maybe I should invest in bonds...or open up a dot-com company.
Trowa: What am I going to do with all of that Acme hairspray?
Woo Fei: Oh, Nataku...why did you leave me when I needed you most?
Duo: Come to think of it, Hilde can't even work a stove...
Heero: You're staying in Switzerland next week?
Relena: That's right. Just call me your favorite ski bunny!
Quetra removes a lollipop from his jacket pocket and begins to suck on it.
Duo: Hey, where'd you get that?
Quetra: Carol gave it to me. She's nice.
Duo: More like you sucked-up to her...Quatro.
Quetra: Oh..oh, yeah? What kind of a name is Duo?
Duo: A good name! At least you can pronounce mine!
Quetra: Okay then, Dos! How about I give you a wedding present?
Duo: I'd like to see you try, pansy!
As Duo and Quetra begin to fight, Trowa and Woo Fei artfully step out of the way.
Trowa: Maybe I could sell them online...or auction them at E-Bay...
Woo Fei: Oh, Nataku...I will miss you, my dear friend.
Relena: ...does have tele-net, but I'll be on Earth more often if you're going to stay here, Heero.
Heero: Staying in your apartment might be risky...but then again, if someone comes to attack you during the day, I'll be ready.
Relena: Will you kill them, Heero?
Heero: I just might.
Relena: That sounds wonderful.
Bob leans out of his office window and cups his hands over his mouth.
Bob: You're all a bunch of dumb-dumbs! They ought to rename your show Dumb Dumb Wing!
Everyone stops and looks up at him.
Heero: Dumb Dumb Wing...
Duo: I like it, I like it!
Bob lets out a final, frustrated shout and slams his office window shut.
The End (Finally)
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