Introduction

For those of you who may not have heard of Neon Genesis Evangelion, consider yourself the lucky for never having run into this program. For those of you who are reading this parody and have never heard of it, or have heard of it, here's a refresher on what the show is about...

The year is 2015. Most of Earth is in shambles from an event only known as the Second Impact. This is one of the many, many points that are never really explained in the series, and no clues are given as to what occured either. You must watch the movies to understand this, and I have no doubt that this was the original schizo money-grabbing intention of Mr. Anno. Anyway, in the decimation, a city arises known as Tokyo-3. It is a mobile battle base against an alien race the people of Earth have mistakenly named the Angels. The Angels can only be fought with humanoid robotic warriors called the Evangelions, and these can only be piloted by fourteen year-olds who have lost their mothers. This is never explained either.

The main pilot, Shinji Ikari, is a manic depressive whiny loner who does not want to pilot the Evangelion Unit 1. He is referred to as the 3rd Child by some thing called the Marduke Report, and that he is "destined" to pilot this machine against the Angels. His father, Gendo, is the head of NERV, the organization developed to fight the Angels and develop the Evas. The other pilot, Rei Ayanami, has been injured badly from her first encounter with her Eva and is unable to pilot her Unit 0. With a reluctant and depressed pilot who's nothing but a self-insert for the director and an injured girl who whispers a lot, what's the Earth to do?

Turn to the Marduke Report, and find that there is one other child that they overlooked...mostly due to a druken haze.

For those EVA freaks out there, this story takes place between Episodes 3 and 4 of the TV series. Shinji has fought (more like wussed out) in two fights so far, and Rei is still unable to pilot her EVA.

We open with a wide shot of a hallway in NERV H.Q. As we begin to zoom in, we hear the sound of a walkway moving, and three figures pass by the camera. The first is Misato, the general caretaker and beer-drinker of the EVA pilots...the second is Ritsuko, the technician and computer expert for NERV...and the third is a young man of eighteen years, wearing a white jacket with green racing stripes, black sunglasses, and a plain t-shirt and jeans. His hands are in his pockets, and he stares blankly forward.

Misato: Well, here we are! *opens a folder* According to the Marduke Report, you're child number zero...don't know how we overlooked you. It says here that you're eighteen, and not fourteen, and that your mom is still alive. *closes folder* Gosh, you must be well-adjusted.

Zero: ...

Misato: *whispering* I don't know, Ritsuko...he just stands there and stares! You don't think he's on drugs, do you?

Ritsuko: *whispering* Either that or we have another Shinji on our hands.

Zero: I resent that, Miss Ritsuko. I would like to point out, also, that Shinji is depressed and whiny, while I'm just depressed.

Ritsuko: Thanks for filling me in. *rolls eyes*

Zero: And don't think that I didn't see that eye roll, either. When the next Angel attacks Tokyo-3, I'll make sure he hits your section first.

Ritsuko: I don't deserve that! All I did was compare you to Shinji!

Misato: Come to think of it, that IS a bit of an insult...I mean, he did just get here.

Ritsuko: *shakes head* Ugh...I can't believe this. As if a wussy one wasn't enough, now we have a testy one.

Cut to a shot of a NERV door opening, and the walkway emptying into a large hangar bay. There is purple fluid floating around the walkway, and the lights are dimmed. Zero looks up ahead, as the walkway stops moving and a ramp attaches to it.

Close-up of Zero's face as he sees Shinji standing in front of Unit 1, his head low.

Zero: Is that him?

Misato: Yep. Hey, Shinji! We've got another pilot!

Shinji: That's nice.

Misato: Now you'll have someone to talk to!

Shinji: That's nice.

Misato: He's a littler older than you, but hey, boys are boys, right?

Shinji: That's nice.

Zero: Is he always like that?

Ritsuko: Only on days that end in "y." *puts on glasses* Shinji, I would like you to meet child number zero. He prefers to be called Zero, apparently.

Shinji: That's nice.

Misato: You're being very rude, Shinji! Zero's trying to be your friend!

Gendo: Correct!

Pan up to reveal Gendo standing with arms behind his back, looking down at the hangar bay from a balcony.

Shinij: Father...why am...why am I here?

Gendo: Because I have a use for you. You will pilot the machine against the Angels.

Shinji: I can't!

Gendo: You can.

Shinji: I CAN'T!

Gendo: You will.

Shinji: I CAN'T DO IT!

Zero: Excuse me, but, if he's the pilot, then what am I doing here?

Gendo: Ah, Zero...you've arrived. If Shinji wussifies in battle again, you will become the pilot of Evangelion Unit 1.

Shinji looks up at the balcony. Zoom in on his face slowly.

Shinji: Father...you're...you're...replacing me?

Gendo: Correct.

Shinji: But WHY?

Gendo: Because I have a use for...wait, that's not right. *pulls script out from behind his back* Here it is. *ahem* Because I have no use for you. *puts script away* Besides, you're depressed and whiny, but he's just depressed.

Zero: *mumbling* Gee, thanks a lot.

Shinji: Why me? Why me? *explodes* FATHER, WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL TO ME?

Gendo: Stop ad-libbing!

Zero: I think he's got a point, personally. I mean, not only am I wondering why, but I think every person who's ever watched the show is wondering just WHY you're so cruel. An audience can't go for very long without answers.

Misato: What are you talking about, Zero?

Ritsuko: Great, another scizho...he thinks this is an Anime show.

Zero: Isn't it?

*crickets chirp*

Gendo: Fiyutski!

Profile shot of Gendo as a monitor blinks to life behind him.

Fiyutski: Yes sir.

Gendo: Wake up Rei.

Fiyutski: Can we still use her, sir?

Gendo: She's better than Shinji.

Fiyutski: Yes sir.

Gendo: Rei?

Rei: *weakly* Yes?

Gendo: We've hit a bad spot in the script. You will rewrite it.

Rei: Yes.

Gendo: Fast.

Shinji: He even likes Rei better than he likes me...I'm so worthless!

Ritsuko: There he goes again...

Zero: Can we finish the tour, please?

Duo: Hey babe, what's shakin', other than your booty!

Pan up to reveal Duo Maxwell leaning over the edge of the hangar railing above.

Ritsuko: Oh no.

Zero: Who's that?

Ritsuko: That's our mechanic, Mr. Duo Maxwell. He thinks I'm desperate.

Zero: Aren't you?

Duo jumps over the railing, lands on the steps, and then slips and falls down them until he lands at Ritsuko's feet.

Duo: Hey, perfect landing, babe!

Ritsuko: What do you want, Mr. Maxwell?

Duo: Is this the new guy?

Zero: Yep, I'm him. Call me zero.

Duo: Whatever you say. *shakes hand* Hey, he reminds me of Heero.

Misato: Who?

Ritsuko: Who?

Gendo: Who?

Shinji: Why me?

Zero: *whispering* They don't know that they're in an Anime show, do they?

Duo: No clue at all, man. I'm tellin' you, I don't know how I got stuck here, but I'm hoping to get out soon. I've got...plans. I'll fill you in later.

Ritsuko: What are you two whispering about?

Duo: I was telling Zero here what a nice lady you are, giving me a date and all for making Zero's Evangelion unit in a hurry.

Shinji: He even gets his own Eva...I'll bet it's better looking than mine. Of course, anything's better than purple and neon green...

Duo: There's just one more adjustment that needs to be made. *pulls out clipboard* Let's see here...oh yeah! *whistles* Boys, take 'em off!

Montage of shots as crew workers take hammers, screwdrivers, DW-40, and jackhammers to the arms of EVA Unit 1. Cranes emerges from the ceiling and move the arms over one block to a shadowy form, where the montage is repeated.

Shinji: Anything's better than purple and neon green...anything's better than purple and neon green...

Misato: Looks like he found himself a new mantra.

Duo: Weird kid.

Worker: Duo, we're done here!

Duo: Awesome! *looks up* Yo, Clooney hair! We're ready to go if you are!

Gendo: Proceed, Ponytail boy.

Duo: Geesh. *grumbles* What a grouch, can't even take a joke.

Duo moves over to the wall and opens up an electrical panel. After staring at it for a few moments, he pulls two switches.

Cut to a bird shot of the hangar, then zoom in quickly on Shinji as the walkway slips out from under him and folds back into the wall, dumping him into the purple water.

Duo: Wups.

Shinji: Help! I can't swim! *glub* And I'm whiny *glub* and *gulp* depressed! *glub* HELP!

Misato jumps into the water and pulls Shinji back to the other side of the walkway. He sits on his knees and starts to cry.

Shinji: Oh boy, oh boy, that was scary, that was really scary.

Gendo: Pathetic.

Shinji: FATHER, I COULD HAVE DIED!

Gendo: How better off everyone would be.

Shinji: *sob*

Misato: There, there, Shinji...

Duo: Darn babe had to save 'im. Oh well.

Duo flips more switches, and with a loud click a battery of lights burst into life and shine upon the Evangelion that is standing to the left of Unit 1...the armless Unit 1, that is.

Ritsuko: What the...

Duo: I learned about stealing spare parts from other people's Gunda--I mean, Evas from an old friend of mine. Comes in handy when you're strapped for cash.

Ritsuko: Dr. Ikari, I forbid this! How do you expect Shinji to fight in Unit 1 without any arms?

Gendo: It will make no difference; he never fought WITH the arms.

Shinji: *sob*

Zero: *thinking* This place is so messed up...I sure hope I know what I'm doing.

Duo: Take a look, Zero! This is Evangelion, Unit 1/2!

Zero: Oh, I'm not good enough to get a whole Eva?

Duo: Work with me here, will ya?

Profile shot of Zero, then pan right and dissolve to a profile shot of Eva 1/2. Cut to a pan out shot of Eva 1/2, revealing that Duo really did bum spare parts from just about everybody. The head is from Rick Hunter's Valkyrie unit from Robotech, the arms are from Evangelion Unit 1, the chest is from Kou Uraki's Gundam Zephyranthes (Full Vernian mode), the legs are from Gundam Heavy Arms, and the lower right arm has Gundam Sandrock's shield over it.

Duo: Whadda think, people?

Zero: I'm afraid to ask if it runs.

Duo: Don't worry, it can take a hit. *mumbles* But that's about all it can take. *ahem* So, anyway, can I have that date now, sweet lips?

Ritsuko: What date?

Duo: You know, the date you promised me I could have when I finished working on Eva 1/2 here.

Ritsuko: I said I would give you a date IF THE WORLD WAS ENDING, not when you finished EVA 1/2!

Duo: It's okay, I know you want me so badly that you just can't control yourself, but you don't need to be so harsh!

Zero: Excuse me, Mr. Ikari?

Gendo: Yes?

Zero: Is this fic dragging?

Gendo: *pulls out script* I don't believe so...wait, here it is. There should be an Angel attack any minute.

Zero: Thanks. *reaches into jacket and pulls out cell phone* Hello? Yes, Justin? Yeah, this is Zero. You know, the guy in your Evangelion parody. Right! Yes, Gendo said that an Angel attack should happen soon. No, Shinji didn't drown. Yeah, the Eva's all made from spare parts. It does look pretty neat, though. Well, yeah, I know that you know, since you're the writer and all, but...okay. Right. Yeah. Well, I'm going to get ready for the battle. Let you know how it ends? Sure thing! Bye! *hangs up phone, then does double-take when he realizes what Justin asked him to do*

Commerical

Narrator: From the people that brought you Neon Genesis Evangelion comes the story of Earth's last days. Witness disturbing imagery...

Cut to a shot of Asuka in a Sailor Mars outfit.

Narrator: ...profound symbolism...

Cut to a shot of Fiyutski squeezing his clown nose so it beeps.

Narrator: ...religious contradictions...

Cut to a shot of Ritsuko slapping Duo.

Narrator: ...and hellish reveleations.

Cut to a shot of Shinji eating out of a KFC bucket.

Shinji: Hey, this tastes just like chicken!

Narrator: Prepare for the apocalypse.

Cut to a shot of Shinji screaming in Unit 1 as the Earth turns into a giant orb-shaped pizza.

Narrator: Prepare for...the End of Evangelion.

Cut to a wide shot of the three EVAs in the city as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man begins marching toward them.

Cut to a shot of Gendo pushing his glasses up with his index finger.

Gendo: This is why NERV exists.

Fiyutski: *beep*

Narrator: Brought to you by Maxwell House, your official post-apocalyptic caffeine source. Not related with any Duo Maxwell products.

Part 2

Zero: Gosh, that was disturbing.

Duo: *rubbing cheek* Painful too.

Fiyutski: *beep*

Gendo: Fiyutski, the commercial's over!

Fiyutski: ...oh.

Alarms begin to sound in the hangar. Random shots of doors closing in the NERV hallways.

Misato: It's an attack!

The hangar shakes.

Gendo: It's close...it must sense us.

Zero: Either that or it's really, really hungry.

Misato: Shinji, you need to get into Unit 1 and go out there.

Shinji: Huh?

Misato: Remember your mantra.

Shinji: *pause* I musn't run away, I musn't run away, I musn't run away, I MUSN'T RUN AWAY!!!

Duo: There he goes again.

Shinji: I'LL PILOT IT!

Gendo: Heh.

Cut to standard stock footage of Shinji boarding Unit 1 and launching it through the large cylinder to the surface. Cut to a medium shot of a skyscraper as it folds down to reveal a metal cylinder, which slides open to reveal Unit 1...armless.

Dissolve to a shot to the command center, where Zero stands with Misato and Ritsuko. Duo hangs out in the background and tries to hit on Ubuki.

Cut to a shot of the main monitor as Unit 1 steps out into Tokyo-3, while the city's buildings move underground and others rise up.

Zero: What's with the city?

Misato: The buildings are actually cover for weapons and supplies for the Eva units.

Cut to random shots of street lamps converting into machine guns, hill sides folding open to reveal missile launchers, and benches flipping upwards to reveal missile silos.

Zero: cute.

Duo: *oogiling at Ubuki* I'll say.

Fiyutski: Here it comes!

Misato: Shinji, above you!

Cut to the city, where a large black disc drops from the sky.

Gendo: Here it comes.

Ritsuko: The fifth angel.

Gendo: Incorrect. Since this is only a parody, this is Angel 4 and 1/4.

Ritsuko: Sorry about that. *rolls eyes*

Gendo starts to say something, but his head suddenly disappears for a few frames and reappears.

Gendo: Fiyutski!

Fiyutski: Yes sir.

Gendo: What happened to my head?

Fiyutski: Our budget ran out, sir. We couldn't draw your head for those frames.

Gendo: Our budget ran out?

Fiyutski: Yes sir. We spent all of it on the launching sequence and the ad for our pre-planned theatrical sequel.

Gendo: That's depressing to think about.

Cut to Unit 1 standing armless against the black disc.

Shinji: What am I supposed to do?

Misato: You're the pilot! Shoot at it!

Shinji: With what?

Ritsuko: See, I told you!

Shinji: AAAAAAH!

Unit 1 runs off, trips, and falls on the ground.

Shinji: Help, help! I've fallen and I can't get up!

One collective groan passes over NERV central.

Shinji: This isn't funny, I really mean it!

Gendo: ZERO! Go out there and defeat that Angel.

Zero: Sure thing.

Cut to a montage of scenes as Zero climbs into the cockpit of Eva 1/2, every restraint is pulled off, and the hangar is drained of the purple liquid. Eva 1/2 is moved to the launching pad, and Zero clinches his control sticks hard as the Eva is launched through the cylinder.

Cut to a shot of a street section opening up, then revealing guide rails as the Eva slams to a stop at the surface.

Misato: Evangelion Unit 1/2, move out!

Eva 1/2 steps out from the rails and takes three steps. It's surrounded by small and medium-sized buildings, which now pour weapons fire on the disc with no results.

Gendo: Hmm, it has an AT field.

Fiyutski: Conventional weapons are no match for it.

Zero: Then what the heck I am doing in this thing?

Misato: He's got a good point...

Gendo: It doesn't matter! Grab a machine rifle and start firing at that disc!

Zero: Yes sir!

Worm shot as a buildling slides open, revealing a large black tommy gun with duct tape on the barrel.

Duo: Courtesy of yours truly!

Eva 1/2 grabs the gun and aims upward. Pan up from the Eva to reveal the disc, which now splits into four other discs.

Zero: Did I say something wrong?

Ritsuko: Wait, Zero! Before you fire there's something we forgot to tell you!

Zero: If it's about the catapult thinger making me sick I think I already figured that out.

Ritsuko: It's about the power supply. Your Eva runs off of an embillical cable attached to the back that supplies it with electrical power.

Zero: ...

Misato: What's wrong?

Zero: You do realize that you just made this the most vulnerable machine in the world, right?

Ritsuko: What do you mean?

Zero: I mean, if an Angel comes down with an electrician's degree and some power tools, I'm pretty much screwed.

Misato: He's got a good point...

Ritsuko: That doesn't matter! Just fire!

Zero: Decaf, Miss Ritsuko, decaf.

Close-up of Eva 1/2's head, then pull out as the tommy gun slams into Eva's hands and fires. Cut to medium shot as bullets strike each disc and do nothing.

Zero: My my, that was effective.

Ubuki: Misato! The four pieces are landing!

Misato: Zero, what are you seeing?

Zero: They're...they're...uh oh.

Gendo: Give us a video feed, now!

The main screen shifts to a camera on a high-rise buildling, as the four discs stand up and meld into...

Misato: Oh no.

Ritsuko: You're kidding!

Ubuki: Impossible!

Gendo: That's cute.

Fiyutski: *beep*

Gendo pulls the clown nose off and throws it over his shoulder.

Zero: I always wondered what these things were for.

Ping-pong close-ups of the four discs as their melding completes, rendering them as Easter Island heads.

Misato: There's another rifle in the Chrysler building to your left! Take it and take them out!

Zero: Yes, ma'am!

Montage of action sequences ensue: Eva 1/2 rolling, grabbing the second rifle in its left hand, rolling again and sliding to a standing position as it fires to the left, the right, knocking pieces of the Easter Island heads around Tokyo-3. Eva 1/2 kicks on its engines, flies into the air, and fires in front and behind, landing hits on the other heads. It lands on top of a building, then jumps off and lands in the middle of the heads again. The building collapse to the ground.

Ritsuko: Careful with that, Zero!

Zero: Hey, just because you borrowed this city from Transformers: The Movie doesn't mean you can blame me for its destruction!

Ubuki: Misato, the heads are regenerating!

Zero: All together now, 'Who didn't see this one coming?'

Ritsuko: Would you stop already!!

Ubuki: I just got an energy spike, a big one!

Zero: Oh boy.

Cut to Eva 1/2 throwing the rifles aside and removing its a large butter knife from the left shoulder.

Duo: Also courtesy of yours truly!

Zero: I'm going to try and cut them before--too late.

Ubuki: They're changing shape again! I'm reading a large A...what the?

Ritsuko: An AR field? What's that?

Gendo: Absolute Redundancy.

Ritsuko: What?

Gendo: Prepare for the worst Angel attack ever.

Wide shot of Tokyo-3 as the heads begin to take on a fleshy color, grow a long black ponytail, wrinkle, and then turn into Steven Seagal heads.

Zero: Is this bad?

Head 1: So hot stuff, you think you're hot stuff, don't you hot stuff?

Head 2: So hot stuff, you think you're hot stuff, don't you hot stuff?

Head 3: So hot stuff, you think you're hot stuff, don't you hot stuff?

Head 4: So hot stuff, you think you're hot stuff, don't you hot stuff?

All Heads: SO HOT STUFF, YOU THINK YOU'RE HOT STUFF, DON'T YOU HOT STUFF?

A collective groan passes through NERV central.

Gendo: They've gone too far this time.

Misato: Zero, can you hear me?

Zero: As long as you're not calling me hot stuff, yeah.

Misato: There's a bazooka on the Sears Tower to your lower left. Use it!

Zero: Right!

Split-screen as Eva 1/2 dives, rolls, and runs to the building in the lower part, as the building transforms into a firing stand in the upper part. Cut the split as Eva 1/2 grabs the bazooka trigger, spins around, and fires at Head 1.

An orange fireball coats the screen, and when the smoke clears, the head is intact!

Zero: Say it again: 'Who didn't see this one coming?'

Misato: I'm running out of guns.

Duo: NOT courtesy of yours truly. *steps around Misato* Hey Zero! See the gas station by your left foot?

Zero: I think so.

Duo: Open up the snack bar and pull out the pistol there!

Misato: A pistol isn't going to do him any good!

Duo: If it was armed with bullets, you'd be right. But this gun's a little different...

Another split-screen, diagonal this time, as Eva 1/2 draws the pistol, drops to one knee, and fires at Head 4 behind it. A large pink bullet flies through the air, and we track it and pull out as it hits the head's mouth and fills it with bubble gum.

Ubuki: There's a break in the AR field!

Duo: *flipping his jacket collar up* Now THAT's genius.

Eva 1/2 moves through the city, taking shots at the heads and landing each one, until the muffled sound of Steven Seagal is all that's heard.

Ubuki: Nice job, Zero! The AR field's down to one perc..ent...oh NO!

Zero: Hey, this isn't fair!

Worm shot from Eva 1/2's foot as the heads jump into the air and meld into one large head, floating above Tokyo-3 and encasing it in a large shadow.

Steven Seagal Head: You feel lucky, punk? You feel lucky, punk? You feel lucky, punk?

Duo: I take it back. We're doomed.

Zoom in on the back of Eva 1/2 as the Seagal head floats forward, spins, and smacks the Eva with its ponytail. The Eva goes sliding back and decimates five buildings in the process.

Zero: I'm going to try and cut the ponytail off with the butter knife!

Eva 1/2 removes another butter knife from its opposite shoulder and leaps at the Seagal head, but only manages to scratch it.

Zero: Darn it!

Misato: Well, you can tell that this is the edited English version of the parody...

Ritsuko: Would you cut that out?

Ubuki: Hold on a sec! Zero has the angel trapped!

Pan out from Eva 1/2 to reveal it's embellical cable wrapped around the Seagal head's mouth.

Misato: Take that thing out, Zero!

Gendo: It may have been just an accident, but I think we can keep this kid.

Zero: Not if I have anything to say about it!

Eva 1/2 leaps into the air, spins, and comes down in a neck-snapping kick to the Seagal head. As the head begins to tug on the cord, the Eva grabs it in one hand and pulls it towards itself, making the head spin out of the entrapment and roll across the ground.

Ubuki: All right!

Ritsuko: That's a smart pilot.

Misato: Don't give it another chance, Zero! Take it out with the knife!

Zero: Roger!

Eva 1/2 dashes forward, the buildings becoming a blur. Cut to a bird shot as Eva 1/2 dives at the Seagal head, slamming the knife into it. There's an electrical discharge, an explosion, and Eva 1/2 is revealed to be tied up in the ponytail.

Misato: Blast it!

Zero: To be honest with all of you, if I die, please don't tell anyone HOW.

Seagal Head: You're a lucky punk, you know that, lucky punk?

Ubuki: AR field increasing!

Zero: I...might have another idea...but I don't know if it'll work!

Gendo: Do it!

Cut to a shot of the door behind Gendo as it blows open, the door falling from the high command perch and floating to the ground.

Gendo: What the...

Musical Selection: Gundam Wing Endless Waltz: Battlefield (3rd movement)

Zero: Hey, finally some music that doesn't sound like stuff from Voltron!

Boots are heard marching in, and we pan up from those boots to reveal Zechs, Noin, Heero, Trowa, Hiei, Yusuke, and Kurama standing in Preventer uniforms.

Gendo: Zechs Marquise! I thought you were dead.

Zechs: That's right, I was. But I find I cannot sleep quietly in my grave, while bad Anime shows are roaming among us. *cocks shotgun* I'm with the Environmental Anime Protection Agency, dedicated to eradicating bad Anime shows from the populus. That boy you call Zero is our agent, and was inserted here to give us a way in.

Misato: What?

Zero: Nyah nyah!

Duo: Sweetness, I'm outta here!

Fiyutski: We're still under attack here, sir!

Gendo moves to his right and flips a control on the console.

Gendo: Rei?

Rei: Yes?

Gendo: Our plot is unuseable. You will make a new one.

Rei: Yes.

Gendo: FAST.

Zechs shoots the console.

Zechs: It's much too late for that, Mr. Ikari.

Fiyutski pulls out a gun, but Hiei slashes it to pieces in a flash of his sword.

Hiei: Baka.

Zechs: Zero, can you hear me?

Zero: As long as you're not callng me lucky punk, yeah.

Zechs: Things are under control here. Initiate termination sequence.

Zero: Okay!

Zero pulls out the butter knife again and slices the ponytail, then kicks the jets in and flies back down the street. Medium shot between Eva 1/2's legs as the Seagal head reorients itself, then freezes.

Pan right and up to reveal Eva 1/2 pointing at it with a glowing fist.

Zero: Shining FINGAAHHHHHHH!

Misato: Why is he saying finger, the whole freakin' hand is glowing!

Eva 1/2 rockets toward the Seagal head and slams the fist into it's forehead, making the eyes roll back and the head to fall and melt into an ash pile.

Ubuki: Angel 4 and 1/4 has been defeated.

Yusuke: You want I should blow this place up, boss man?

Zechs: In a few minutes. Heero, go outside and clean up the mess.

Cut to a shot of the sky as Wing Zero flies through some clouds in bird mode and transforms, floating down to Tokyo-3. In a slow march, he stands by Eva 1/2, which points to Eva Unit 1, still writhing on the ground.

The buster cannon taps against Unit 1's head.

Heero: I'll kill you.

Shinji: Yes sir.

A collective groan passes through NERV central.

Cut to a shot of everyone getting handcuffs put on them by Noin, except for Ubuki.

Ubuki: But, why am I being spared?

Duo: 'Cause you're gonna be cookin', good lookin'...for me, that is.

Ubuki: Well...I guess the ponytail is kinda cute.

Suddenly, Gendo breaks from the crowd and starts running. He heads toward the door, where Trowa is standing by the side, head down and arms folded over his chest.

Gendo: The last one's asleep...I can make it!

Suddenly, Trowa sticks his foot out and trips Gendo, making him slide on the floor.

Hiei: Baka.

Trowa: *beep*

Wide shot of Zero walking across a building in Tokyo-3.

Zero: Well, so much for that. I love this job, especially when you get to pilot giant robots and blow up Steven Seagal. *cell phone rings* This is Zero. Hey, Justin! Yeah, we won the day. Yusuke blew up NERV with his spirit gun, Ubuki's dating Duo, and Shinji's in a coma. No, he put himself in one. I don't know, you're the writer! Right, right, I know, you wanted to know how it ended. Well, you're talking to me through it, and frankly, I don't think it's much of an ending.

A giant pencil falls from the sky and aims its eraser at Zero.

Zero: Oh great...don't tell me...

Cut to a shot of Misato being put in a police car.

Misato: Angel 4 and 5/8!

Zero: Here we go again....

The End