Musical Selection: Felt Like Crossing That Rainbow Bridge
As the music starts up we see the Cinct Kingdom, beautiful and majestic in the early morning sun.
We zoom in on Relena's mansion, specifically her balcony, where she stands alone in her pj's.
Relena: What a beautiful morning...I wish the whole world would look like this.
We jump quickly to the balcony above her, where Heero stands in his spandex pants.
Heero: What a beautiful morning...I need to break something.
Up another balcony to Duo's room,
Duo: What a beautiful morning...for sackin' out and watchin' Sailor Moon in my underwear.
Up yet another balcony...
Quetra: What a beautiful morning. Maybe I'll have some coffee with Noin this time without making sweat marks in my shirt.
Up another balcony...
Trowa: ..........
Up to the last balcony...
Woo Fei: I must rid the world of all beautiful mornings! Nataku and I have made it our life's quest!
Up to The real last balcony...
Noin: These mornings aren't the same without Zechs...Oh well, I guess I'll just have to settle for Quetra.
Back down to Relena's level, staring up at the other balconies.
Relena: Do you guys think we should stop this bit now?
Everyone except Relena: YES!
We cut to a shot of a breakfast table, where the G.W. boys sit in their usual clothes, with Relena and Noin in their Cinct Kingdom outfits and Pagan (?) serving breakfast muffins and tea.
Relena: (taking a sip of tea) Hmm...excellent as usual, Pagan.
Pagan: Thank you, Miss Relena. I try my best.
Duo: (mocking) Thank you, Miss Relena. I try my best. (normal) Geez...
Heero: (sipping tea) Hm! What is this?
Quetra: It's called "tea," Heero.
Heero: Tea? I thought I was getting coffee.
Relena: I don't tolerate caffeine in the Cinct Kingdom. That and junk food destroy the brain's capacity for peace.
Heero, holding his tongue, break his tea mug in his hand.
Trowa: What should we do today, gentlemen?
Heero: Well, considering I've broken something today, I'm fine.
Duo: I need to find a McDonalds.
Quetra: Why don't we hold a piano recital?
Woo Fei: But...you're the only one who knows how to play piano.
Duo: (whispering) That's the whole idea, Woo Fei.
Woo Fei: ...oh.
Noin: Why don't we go over the defense plan again?
Duo: Oh, you mean the "Who Fast Can We Lose" plan! I think we got that down to about two minutes yesterday, didn't we?
Heero: What if we replaced the Leos with Tragos hover troops? They would increase our long-distance firepower.
Noin: All we have are Leos.
Silence falls on the table.
Heero: ...I see.
Relena: Do you have any more suggestions, Heero?
Heero: (slowly) Do you mind some constructive criticism, Relena?
Relena: (eyes twinkling) No, not at all. Go ahead, Heero.
Heero: You're screwed.
Quetra: Heero!
Noin: Heero!
Duo: (face-faulting) Finally, somebody said it...
Trowa: ............
Relena: Well...let's just change the subject. Where has Dorothy run off to?
Suddenly, Dorothy bursts onto the scene, carrying small notebooks. She passes them out to everybody, even Pagan, and then sits opposite Duo.
Relena: Miss Dorothy...what are these?
Dorothy: Golf club memberships!
Heero: Golf club...?
Quetra: Yes Heero. It's a place you go to play golf and flirt with other members.
Heero: (holding back) I know what a golf club is, Quetra...
Dorothy: I thought it would help us visualize what a real battle would be like!
Duo: You're on crack again, aren't you?
Dorothy: More like caffeine...I snuck some coffee in from McDonalds!
Duo leaps over the table and grabs Dorothy by the collar of her jacket.
Duo: I NEED THAT, DOROTHY! GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT ALL TO ME! PLEASE GIVE SOME TO ME--
Duo stops and stares at Dorothy.
Duo: Has anyone ever told you your eyebrows look funny?
Quetra peels Duo off of Dorothy and holds up his notebook.
Quetra: I say we go golfing!
Relena: I agree. Everyone's let's go enjoy a day away from the war.
As everyone files out, Pagan is left behind.
Relena: (sticking head through door) Pagan, you're going to be my caddy.
Pagan: Of course, Relena.
Pagan wanders out behind her and slips a visor from his coat and onto his head. On it are the names of all the Gundams, and a picture of Zechs on the bill.
Pagan: I've been waiting for a chance to wear this.
Musical Selection: Black Wing Invites To The Death
We open with a shot of Relena standing outside five dressing rooms as the boys step out. Quetra, of course, has picked the perfect outfit; Woo Fei's pants are little too big, but he insists on wearing them; Trowa's outfit is the simplest; Duo's includes a large fuzzy headband and a necklace of Mardi Gras beads; and Heero simply puts a sweater-vest over his regular outfit.
Relena: Heero...spandex is not in the dress code.
Heero growls, grabs some plain khakis from the shelf, and puts them on.
Heero: Is that better?
Relena: Much. (touching his cheek) You're just adorable.
Duo: I think I'm gonna throw up.
Heero: Me first.
Noin: Let's go, Miss Relena. We have tee-off in five minutes.
The boys each grab a set of clubs on their way out of the pro shop and walk toward an empty cart.
Heero: I'm driving.
Duo: No way, Heero. I'd like to be living tomorrow.
Heero: Same if you drive.
Trowa: Why don't I drive? It seems I would be more suited for the golf course.
Quetra: That sounds fine to me.
Duo: Okay! From this point on your name is "Cab Driver."
Trowa: Don't push it, Duo.
Trowa climbs into the driver's seat.
Noin: I don't think there's going to be enough room.
Duo: Ah, there's plenty of room!
He hops in the back seat and gestures to Dorothy.
Duo: Come on, I don't bite!
Dorothy hops right into his arms.
Dorothy: This is comfy.
Relena: Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, Pagan...
Pagan: Just wait it out, Miss Relena. I believe we shall be taking our own cart.
Noin, Quetra, Pagan, and Relena climb into another cart. Heero and Woo Fei climb into Trowa's cart, and the two of them head off.
Duo: Come on, race 'em! You can beat that old guy!
Heero: Shut up, Duo.
Duo: Push it to the floor, Trowa!
Heero: Shut up, Duo.
Duo: (singing) Pedal to the metal, pedal to the metal...
Heero reaches inside his sweater-vest and pulls out a black .45.
Heero: SHUT UP, DUO!
Duo: Geez, okay...what a grouch.
Heero: (darkly) I heard that.
They finally make it to the first hole. Heero steps up first, and winds up for his swing.
Duo: (dancing around) Heero couldn't hit his way out of a paper bag!
Heero stops his swing and looks back at Duo.
Heero: Do you mind?
Duo: Nope! You just go right ahead...
Heero sets up to swing again--
Duo: And screw up! HAHAHA!
Heero continues his massive swing anyway, and the club flies from his hand and smacks Duo in the head. Duo's pupils dialate, and he slumps to the ground.
Relena: Heero!
Heero: He was asking for it. Besides, I needed to break something.
Duo: (weakly) Oh my freakin' head...I'm wasted...
Duo falls unconscious again.
Dorothy: I know what will fix him up!
She reaches inside her golf bag and jams some McDonald's fries into Duo's mouth. Dou recooperates immeadiatley, and leaps to his feet.
Duo: (swallowing fries whole) Junk food...it does a body good!
Heero: (whispering) Cheap clubs.
Heero tries his swing this time and lands it successfully on the green.
Woo Fei attempts to use his club as a sword; Dorothy and Duo fence with their clubs; Trowa takes a simple swing and places his simple ball next to Heero's simple spot; Quetra's ball lands in the trees, then bounces on the ground, then up into the trees again, and lands next to Trowa's ball; Relena's swing lands a few feet away from Quetra's; and Noin's swing lands in a tree and stays there.
Noin: This is turning out to be a great day.
Suddenly, a voice is heard from behind them.
Treize: Surprise to see you hear, Miss Noin.
Everybody stands in shock to see Treize standing there with a very tall black man.
Relena: Who's your friend?
Treize: This friend of mine is a actor...aren't you, Mr. T?
Mr. T: You right there, sucka!
Duo: Mr. T! That's guy's practically my idol!
Woo Fei: Figures.
Heero: Mr. T?
Quetra: Yes, Heero. Mr. T was a member of the A-Team and he was in Rocky III and the--
Heero reaches out and points a finger at Quetra.
Heero: I know who Mr. T is, Quetra! I'm not as stupid as I look!
Quetra: Whatever you say, Heero. Let's get going.
Treize tees off and lands his ball right on the putting green.
Mr. T: Perfect as always, sucka!
Treize: Thank you, Mr. T.
The group wanders down to their balls, with Duo suddenly blasting past them in the cart.
Quetra: Duo, you're going to get yourself killed!
Heero claps softly.
Duo: The Great Destroyer is now a golfer!
Duo pushes the pedal down hard, the pedal going right through the floor and onto the ground.
Duo: Oops.
Duo carooms off of some trees and then lands face-down in a bunker.
Quetra: Duo! Are you alright?
Duo: (climbing from the wreckage) Of course I am...why wouldn't I be?
Heero: Gee, I don't know...you just tried to kill yourself on a golf course.
Noin stands by the tree her ball is stuck in, jumping feebly.
Mr. T: You need help with that, pretty lady?
Noin: Why, yes I do.
Mr. T: I pity the fool that eat some lady's golfball!
Mr. T lifts the tree up from the ground and shakes it, Noin's golf ball rolling into her hand.
Noin: Thank you, Mr. T.
Mr. T drops the tree hard on the ground, almost killing a rabbit.
Mr. T: No problem, pretty lady.
Heero: Can we at least try to finish the first hole?
Duo: Sure!
Duo runs up to Heero's ball and smacks it with his club, sending the ball bouncing through the trees and smacking against his own forehead.
Duo: (weakly) Oh, my freaking head...I'm wasted...
Heero: Good. Maybe you'll stay unconscious this time.
Treize steps up to his ball and slowly knocks it in, making par.
Relena tries despreatley to get her ball up on the putting green, but fails. Noin shoots her ball into another tree. Heero and Trowa make par, while Quetra somehow manages to make a hole-in-one on the second hole.
Woo Fei: I...don't think that counts.
Heero: Where have you been this entire fic?
Woo Fei: Sharing a burger with Nataku.
Heero: ...right.
They move on to the second hole, Dorothy stuffing Duo in her golf bag and toting him along. Pagan drives Relena and Noin to the second hole, leaving everyone else to walk.
Heero: Show off.
Treize tees off for the second hole and also makes a hole-in-one. Trowa entertains Dorothy with some club tricks while Heero makes adjustments to his golf club.
Relena: Heero...what are you doing to your club?
Heero: Shut up, Relena. Once I install the Zero System in this driver, I will never have to play golf again.
Heero puts on a pair of sunglasses, the lenses glowing a bright green.
Relena: Uh-oh...
Treize: We had better leave, Mr. T.
Mr. T: Waz that fool up to?
Trowa: ...........
Woo Fei: Rid the world of all stupid golfers, Heero!
Heero: Mission...accepted!
He takes a swing at his ball, the head of his club glowing like W.Z.'s buster cannon, and smashes the little doom sphere across the golf course, making a large gorge in the entire course.
Heero: Ah...what a view.
A cart with flashing lights appears and two midgets jump out.
Midget 1: I'm Al, and this is my partner Bob. We're here to tell you that your activities have violated your golf club memership, and we must ask you to leave.
Heero: I was just leaving anyway.
Quetra: Geez...Heero, why do you always get us in trouble?
Heero whirls around, his club still glowing.
Heero: Get us in trouble?
Quetra: Yeah, you know...trouble, problems, arresting, moving violations, do not post bail--
Heero grabs Quetra by his lapels and shakes him.
Heero: I know what trouble means, Quetra! Stop acting like you're smarter than everyone else!
Quetra: (Eyes rolling) Okay, Heero! No problem at all!
As they all pile into Relena's cart and putter back to the pro shop, storm clouds move in and it starts to rain.
Noin: Boy, this turned out to be a great day.
Mr. T puts his arm around Noin.
Mr. T: It certainly did, pretty lady.
Treize: My reputation...
Heero: Was ruined already.
Dorothy: Wasn't this just grand, Miss Relena?
Relena: Shut up, Dorothy. Go grow some eyebrows.
We pull away from the cart, revealing Duo hopping in Dorothy's golf bag, chasing after them.
Duo: Come on guys! Wait up! You can't leave your ol' buddy Duo behind! Right? Right? Come on, guys...wait for me!
THE END
