Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. How Bandai, Sotsu Agency, and Sunrise overlooked this is beyond me.
By Justin Swartz, with help from his good friend Ryan Leas
We open with a shot of the five Gundams flying past the camera with "Just Communication" blasting in our ears. Epyon and Wing Zero zip past and clash against each other, back off, then slam into each other again, smoke and fire billowing from damaged sections.
We pull away from the shot to reveal Duo sitting on a couch in his underwear, eating from a bag of Lays and watching "The Final Victor" on his set.
Duo: Kickin.'
The music abruptly stops, and we see a single hand come up from the bottom of the screen and flick a chip at Duo, smacking it off his forehead.
Duo: What was that for?
You: I thought I was going to see Gundam Wing.
Duo: This is Gundam Wing! In fact, this is the real Gundam Wing that you never see.
You: Gee, wonder why.
Duo: Hey, if you want to get sarcastic, then I won't give you the tour.
You: What tour?
Duo sits up quickly and opens a door in the wall.
Duo: The tour of Peacemilion!
The music starts up again, and we see Duo now wearing his usual "god of death" outfit. Techs walk by and wave at you, while Duo pats them on the back and winks at them.
Duo: Here's the hangar bay where we keep all of our Gundams...and here is the rec room with the snack bar that's always closed...and here's the bridge (this is where all the important stuff is done)...and these are Noin's quarters...
You see Noin peeking her head outside the door, her right hand holding a towel up to her body and the left one pushing Duo's shoulder.
Duo: *cough* And here are Quetra's quarters...
You see Duo open the door to find Quetra sitting in his room with the Maganacs, all sipping tea while listening to "King Nothing" by Metallica.
Duo: And guess what? We're right back to where we started. Any questions?
You: That tour sucked.
Duo: Up yours, dorko! I'm going back to my room.
You: To do what?
Duo: What else? Watch Gundam Wing in my underwear.
Duo slams the door, leaving you outside.
You: Hmm...let's take our own tour.
You wander down the hallway where Quetra's quarters are located and knock on the door.
The door opens wide to reveal Rasheed standing there, holding a cup of tea while "Fight Fire With Fire" by Kansas plays.
Rasheed: What do you want?
NAME: Rasheed
FUNCTION: Statue
FIRST APPEARED: Pretty dull
LATER APPEARED: Pretty dull (but with a different voice)
Rasheed is the leader of the Maganac Corps (read: Quetra's babysitters), and the perfect person to ever replace Abe in his spot at the Lincoln Memorial. His mobile suit comes equipped with a nifty axe that he never used.
You: Hey, that was kind of cool. (back to Rasheed) Ah, I just wanted to see if I could join your party.
The music changes to "Centerfold" by J. Geils as Quetra steps up to the door.
Quetra: Excuse me, Rasheed. Sure, come on right on in.
NAME: Quetra Rebaba Winner (try spelling that right the first time)
FUNCTION: All-around wussy and pilot of Gundam Sandrock
FIRST APPEARED: Pretty sane
LATER APPEARED: Pretty insane
Quetra began as your average "Let's have coffee sometime" winy office guy and later turned into a big freak with the help of the Wing Zero. W.Z. helped him get some backbone, but he was still followed around by his Maganac babysitters (even into space). He is in love with Noin and is known for his huge midnight tea parties of destruction and his complete collection of Rainbow Brite episodes.
Quetra: Meet the other Maganacs!
NAME: Maganac Corps
FUNCTION: Babysitters and diaper-changers
FIRST APPEARED: Saving Quetra's butt
LATER APPEARED: Saving Quetra's butt.
The Maganacs are gay. 'Nuff said.
You: Ah, I think I'll just move along now...
Quetra: Fine. Come back soon! (as you leave) Nice guy. Wish I could meet 'em...all of 'em!
You move down the hall to Noin's quarters and knock on the door.
Noin: (opening door) Quetra, I told you: you're too young for me, and-- (seeing you standing there) Oh. Who are you?
NAME: Lucrezia Noin
FUNCTION: To fly around in a lame mobile suit and chase after the villain
FIRST APPEARED: As a lovely woman with cool hair
LATER APPEARED: As a tired woman, but still with cool hair
If there had to be a fourth Charlie's Angel, than Noin would be her. Of course, she's not all that stupid either, so...she'd probably have the combined I.Q. of all the original Angels, making her a little smarter than Duo.
You: I'm just some guy taking a tour. You're cute.
Noin: Thank you.
You: Especially since you forgot to put your towel on again.
The door slams in your face.
You: *cough* This tour just keeps getting better and better...
Meanwhile, outside...in space...on the White Fang battlestar Librya...
Zechs: I think we should attack Peacemilion.
Quinze: I agree.
Dorothy: Mister Miliardo, have I ever told how much you turn me on?
Zechs: No...and don't ever do it again. Go grow some eyebrows.
Back on Peacemilion...
You: (standing back Snack Bar That's Always Closed) Can I get some service here?
Snack Bar: (nothing)
You: Fine.
You walk outside to a set of vending machines and get yourself a Coke and a bag of Doritos.
You: Hmm, I wonder where Trowa is.
Trowa emerges from the men's bathroom, carrying a bag clinking with empty hair-spray cans.
You: Ah, you must be Trowa.
NAME: Trowa Barton
FUNCTION: To have his hair defy gravity
FIRST APPEARED: Like Ahnold
LATER APPEARED: Like Barry White
Trowa, along with his part-time job as a clown, is pilot of the Gundam Heavy Arms. Along with his nimble mind and body and his silicon-alloy hair, Trowa enjoys polluting the atmosphere with CFC's every day and running out of ammo in his gundam suit (did you notice how Trowa never hit a freakin' thing in outer space?)
Trowa: Hello.
You: May I...touch your hair?
Trowa: Sure. Not too much, now.
You break off a piece of Trowa's hair in your hand.
You: Wups.
Back to space...near Peacemilion...where Wufeii is blasting in...
Wufei: Space is full of fools! I must rid space of all idiots!
NAME: Wufeii Chang
FUNCTION: To fight to win and then cry about not wanting to
FIRST APPEARED: Screaming at the moon
LATER APPEARED: Screaming at Treize, whose face resembles the moon
Wufei is the craziest Gundam pilot next to Heero. I don't know about you, but throwing yourself at a giant battle fortress with an outrageous amount of beam cannons and you only have a Gundam with some extendo-arms is pretty insane to me.
Back on Peacemilion...
You wander by the snack bar again and notice that the window is open.
You: Hmm...
We push in on the snack bar to reveal Sasami working up a mess in the kitchen, "Talent For Love" blasting through a cheap radio.
You: Hey, what the--
NAME: Sasami
FUNCTION: To be the cutest darn little girl you've ever seen!
FIRST APPEARED: With a crush on Tenchi and cooking
LATER APPEARED: With a bigger crush on Tenchi and more cooking
Sasami: Hi! I just got a job here! Would you like to try some of my squid sausage? It's really good...
You: Ah, no thanks. I'll just...mosey on over here...
You leave in a hurry and bump into Sally.
Sally: Oh, excuse me.
NAME: Sally Po (not "Ho" as was originally believed)
FUNCTION: Space-filler
FIRST APPEARED: As a break from Noin
LATER APPEARED: As a break from Noin & Zechs
Sally Po is the Gundams' most useless ally and also suicidal (who else would ram a ship into another ship?). It should also be noted taht her last name originally sounded like "Ho" and was later changed to "Po;" this cannot be a simple coincidence.
Sally continues walking, completely ignoring you.
You: Hmm, she came from the bridge...wonder what's up there?
You enter the bridge to find Howard and the other geeks looking busy.
You: This place is getting dull really quick.
Back to Librya...
Zechs: Hmm, I think it's this time in the episode that we attack Peacemilion for no reason.
Quinze: FOR NO REASON?
NAME: Quinze (say it like "Kanz")
FUNCTION: Wimpy Zechs groupy
FIRST APPEARED: Old and needing some tissues
LATER APPEARED: Old and needing some brains
Quinze made the biggest tactical mistake in cartoon history: you NEVER let your biggest enemy's boyfriend become your leader. Quinze also needs to blow his nose frequently but never seems to, thus resulting in his nasaly voice.
Zechs: Exactly. I'm fighting a war of stupidity against the Gundams.
NAME: Zechs Marquise
REAL NAME: Miliardo Peacecraft
NICK NAME: The Lightning Count
NOIN'S NICK NAME: Wouldn't you like to know
FIRST APPEARED: Kick-arse
LATER APPEARED: Getting that arse kicked
Zechs is actually a very cool character...unfortunately, he is a cloned character, destined to have a repetitive personality. Everything about him is borrowed from Char Aznable, a character from the original Mobile Suit Gundam with almost parallel attributes; however, Char didn't have Noin as a girlfriend and the Gundam Epyon.
Quinze: Well, why don't we just call in Miss Dorothy and have a tea party?
Zechs: I'll ignore your sarcasm and take you up on your offer.
Dorothy enters on the bridge.
NAME: Dorothy Catalonia
FUNCTION: To have funky eyebrows and be addicted to Zechs
FIRST APPEARED: Obsessed with Relena
LATER APPEAERD: Obsessed with Zechs and with some cleavage
Dorothy was the last chance to put a chick into Gundam Wing and it didn't really work out; she is the White Fang's most useless ally.
Dorothy: Yes, let's attack Peacemilion and stage a beautiful war with Commander Miliardo at the front!
Zechs smiles.
Zechs: Hmm...this will be interesting.
Back on Peacemilion...
You wander into Duo's quarters. Now he is watching Sailor Moon.
Duo: Shake it, Mercury.
NAME: Duo Maxwell
I.M. NAME: GodOFdeAtH
FUNCTION: Jerk
FIRST APPEARED: In a flash of light
LATER APPEARED: Like Batman
Duo is a complete jerk to the other Gundam pilots and likes to work on his own. How he got hooked up with a girl like Hilde is beyond me. His Gundam, Deathsychte, is also the most useless Gundam, considering its lack of armor and its "self-cloning" shield missile thingy.
Duo: Hey, get out of here man!
Suddenly, sirens go off.
You: What's going on?
Duo: The White Fang is attacking us again. Outta my way!
You step out of the room as Duo falls into the hallway in an attempt to put his pants on. The Maganacs all step on him in a goofy march, with Rasheed stepping on him twice for good measure.
You: You okay, Duo?
Duo: No. My little Deathsycthe is screamin.'
You: Right.
You wander to the hanger, where you now see Wing Zero.
NAME: Wing Zero
FUNCTION: To be the baddest Gundam on the planet
FIRST APPEAERD: Like a death machine
LATER APPEARED: Like a lean, mean death machine
Wing Zero is responsible for turning Quetra into a crazy, making Heero even weirder, making Trowa gain his memories, and making Duo wonder if he should sell Deathsycthe boxers.
You: Then...Heero should be in that suit!
We zoom in on Heero's determined face.
CODE NAME: Heero Yui/Yuy/Yue/Euy/Eww/Uyi
REAL NAME: Jimmy Joe Bob Bubba Beavis Frobnitz, JR.
FUNCTION: Relena's boy-toy and a kick-arse Gundam pilot
FIRST APPEARED: Blowing stuff up
LATER APPEARED: Blowing bigger stuff up
Heero has one desire in life: to blow things up. This is demonstrated with his use of Epyon and Wing Zero. During his stint with Epyon he also developed the weird habit of throwing up in his helmet. He does indeed have a heart, but the only way to it is by puppies. Lots and lots of puppies. What do you think Wing Zero projected into Heero's mind to make him stop going crazy?
Heero: I need to practice using my self-detonation switch.
He holds up a pen and begins clicking it constantly.
Heero: Mission...accepted. *click* Mission...accepted! *click* Mission accepted. *click* Mission ACCEPTED! *click*
You: These guys are cool!
Duo crawls into his Gundam, which is seated right besides Noin's. Noin climbs into hers, adjusting her bra in front of Quetra.
Rasheed leaps into action, covering Quetra's eyes.
Quetra: (muffled) Rasheed! Come on...
Rasheed: Sorry master, but I must protect your innocence.
Noin winks at Rasheed, who face-faults as she closes up the cockpit to her suit.
Quetra pushes Rasheed away and closes his own cockpit, saluting a picture of Noin taped to the front monitor.
Quetra: One of these days...I'm going to ask you out for tea!
You climb into a purple Space Leo.
NAME: Space Leo
FUNCTION: Cannon fodder
FIRST APPEARED: Getting blown up
LATER APPEARED: Getting blown up even more
The Space Leo is the wussiest mobile suit ever. Good choice!
You: Great.
You follow the Gundams out of the ship...
...to face fifty gagillion Virgos and Tauruses, all lined up in giant squares.
Duo: Looks like they're getting fancy.
Noin: I wonder where Zechs is...
Duo: I'm looking for him too...so I can kick his can!
Zechs: You want me?
We pan up above the Gundams, where Epyon comes crashing down, plasma sword out and ready.
Zechs: Come and get me!
Noin: 'kay.
Noin flies right into Zechs, hugging Epyon tightly.
Noin: Oh Zechs...I've missed you so much!
You: What the--
Quetra: Miss Noin, out of the way! It's too dangerous!
Noin: Ah, don't worry Quetra...I've got this one under control.
The Taurus gives a big thumbs-up to Sandrock, then goes back to hugging Epyon.
Trowa: Guys, we've got company...
HeavyArms opens up with a boat-load of cannon shots, seperating the Virgo squads into smaller units, which Trowa seems unable to hit.
Trowa: You guys attack 'em while I seperate 'em!
Duo: Sure, leave us with the crap work.
Quetra: Sounds fine to me.
Quetra and Duo slice some Virgos in half before Heero opens up with his buster cannon.
NAME: Buster Cannon
REAL NAME: Buster McFly
FUNCTION: To be the ultimate Gundam accessory
FIRST APPEARED: Blowing up a colony
LATER APPEARED: Blowing up a space battle fortress
The buster cannon is Heero's weapon of choice, mostly because of its destructive power. Able to fire in several directions and being almost completely unstoppable, the buster cannon and Heero are like peas in a pod...or something like that.
The buster cannon eliminates half the Virgo force, but for some bizarre reason Heero now switches to his beam saber and begins slicing the Virgos in half. For another bizarre reason, the Virgos do not deploy their Planet Defensors.
Heero: (singing and slicing Virgos) I'm Heero O'Malley, the alley cat...
Sandrock slices two Virgos in half, then gets blasted by twenty more.
Quetra: Guys, I need some help!
Duo: We're busy, Quetra!
Quetra: That's cruel, Duo! I'm just going to take on all of these guys myself!
Duo: (snorting) Hey, you and what army?
Suddenly, the Maganc Corps appear behind Sandrock and begin blasting every Virgo in site.
Quetra: (proud) This army!
Duo: (sweatdrop) I shoulda known...
Noin: Oh Zechs...your plasma sword is so big. What would you be without your Epyon or Tallgeese?
Zechs: A crazy guy in a mask.
Noin: Mmm...and who are you behind that mask, I wonder?
Zechs: I'm Batman.
Noin: What?
Zechs: I'm Batman. Noin, to the Bat-Librya!
Noin: Zechs?
Quetra: Holy zero system, Batman!
The Virgos are almost completely destroyed, and Heero gets the honor of blasting the rest away with his buster cannon.
Duo: Nice job, Heero!
Heero: Like you helped, Duo.
Duo: Of course I helped! I sliced two of the Virgos's heads off!
Heero: Yeah, like that was a challenge. Quetra did more this time.
Duo: What? No way! That's an insult!
Trowa: I would have done more if I--well, if--if I hadn't been so reckless with my ammo.
Quetra: That's okay, Trowa...I still love you.
Duo chokes. Heero throws up in his helmet.
Zechs: I have to go, Noin. I will dance with you later.
Noin: 'kay. Guess I'll just have to settle for Quetra until the next time.
You: Actually...maybe this wasn't such a good idea. I think I'll go back home now.
You fly off into space in the Leo, and we fade out to the end credits. The Toonami line-up appears, and we see Duo sitting in Tom's chair in his underwear and programming the line-up to show Sailor Moon all the time.
Duo: Heh-heh-heh! Shake it, Mercury!
THE END
