Written by Justin Swartz
Treize: Hello, welcome to the Treize show. I, Treize Khush-Renata, will answer all of your problems or help you out as best I can. Just call in and see if you can get through one of our many circuits. The number to call is 1-800-IAMCOOL. Oh, I see we have a caller! Just state your name and your concern...I'm listening.
Heero: Treize, what do you think you're doing?
Treize: (clicking sound in background) Ah, that was a prank call... Caller number two, you're on The Treize Show!
Lady Une: Mr. Treize, how did you want that bubble bath again?
Treize: Ah...light on the water, big on the bubbles, and a hint of the strawberry scent, my lady.
Lady Une: Thank you, Mr. Treize. I will be ready when--I mean, the bath will be ready when you come home--I mean, to the mansion.
Treize: Of course. Thank you, Lady. (pause) And I see we have another caller! (mumbled) Thank God...
Dorothy: Hello, Treize?
Treize: Yes, who are you?
Dorothy: I'm Dorothy Catalonia, and I have a little bit of a...cosmetic problem.
Treize: I see.
Dorothy: Well, it has to do with my eyebrows.
Treize: What about them?
Dorothy: I have four of them.
Treize: ...four?
Dorothy: Yes, two on each side. How do I rectify this?
Treize: (cocky) Shave them.
Dorothy: I tried that. The shaver blades broke.
Treize: (clicking in background) This isn't working as well as I'd hoped...next caller!
Heero: Treize, you moron. What are you doing?
Treize: Oops, wrong line--next caller, please!
Duo: Hey, Treize! We gotta hook up and play pool some night!
Treize: Ah...later, Duo. *click* Next caller...
Septum: OFFICER TREIZE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Treize: I'm sorry, there must be some distortion...could you not talk so loud?
Septum: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Treize: I'm sorry...who is this?
Septum: GENERAL SEPTUM, YOU SPECIALS FREAK!
Treize: I think I heard you say "Sit on it..."
Septum: SEPTUM! SEPTUM! WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF?
Treize: After this call, I just might be. *click* Ah...hm, next caller!
Pagan: My name is Pagan--
Treize: I'm sorry, this isn't a religious discussion program.
Pagan: Really, my name is--
Treize: I'm not dicussing the merits of Paganism with anyone. Goodbye. *click* (muttering) Weirdo.
Heero: Treize, would you just let me ta--
Treize: *click* Ahem...next caller!
Woo Fei: I must rid radio of all idiots!
Treize: *click* Next caller, PLEASE!
Quetra: My name is Quetra, and I have a small problem.
Treize: I should be able to handle that...go ahead.
Quetra: Well, I have this bodyguard...well, actually, more than one...more like forty of them.
Treize: I see. What are there genders?
Quetra: Ah, male.
Treize: I see your problem.
Quetra: Hmm? (screams in horror) AH! NO, NO! It's not like that...they think I'm a girl.
Rasheed: (in background) Master Quetra, what do you want us to do with this My Little Pony storybook tapes?
Quetra: Just sit them over by the Pink Ranger shrine. (back to phone) Ah, what do you think, Mr. Khush-Renata?
Treize: Your friends are right. Besides, it's forty against one. *click* Next...
Heero: Treize, I'll destroy you.
Treize: Heero, why do you keep calling me?
Heero: Treize, look out the window.
Treize: (sound of wheels turning on chair) Okay...why?
Heero: Look up.
Treize: I don't see anything. (sound of jet engines) Wait...is that your buster cannon pointed at my head, Heero?
Heero: It might be. Look at the barrel.
Treize: (reading) To...Mr. T...with love...Heero. Oh, I see.
Heero: Just get off the air right now and there shouldn't be any problems, okay?
Treize: Right. (wheels turning) Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen--
Heero: --The Treize show has been cancelled due to obvious fan demand. Please turn your radio stations to something useful, like National Public Radio or Car Talk. We will see you...never again.
Treize: I hope you're satisfied, Mr. Yui.
Heero: Very.
ONE DAY LATER...
Heero: Hello, you're on the Heero Show. What's your hang-up, I mean concern?
Treize: Well, you see, I used to have this radio show...
THE END
