By Justin Swartz, red_comet82@hotmail.com
I want to make something very clear before I start yet another nutty parody.
I love this show. I really do. It's not like Evangelion, where I hated it, and it's not like Gundam Wing, which was great but had some unintentionally funny things about it and its characters. Utena, created by the witty, suave, sharply dressed and altogether genius Kunihiko Ikuhara (a man who takes soda over beer qualifies as a genius in my book any day!), is the story of one Utena Tenjou, a girl who attends the prestigious Ohtori Academy, where the members of the Student Council duel beneath a giant castle suspened from the clouds for the hand of Anthy Himemiya, the Rose Bride. Whoever wins the duel is engaged to the Rose Bride, and whoever is engaged to her is said to have the power to 'revolutionize the world,' the power to make miracles happen. Utena, not wanting Anthy to be a doormat, enters into this game not only to defend a seemingly hopeless girl from being manipulated by the Council members, but also to carry on the will of the man who saved her life: a prince, upon a white horse, who arrived after her parents were killed and inspired her to grow up strong and noble, just like him.
At this point in Utena, we're full-ahead in the Black Rose Saga. In it, Utena has been challenged by all of the Student Council members and she has defeated all of them in the duels. Keeping them a secret hasn't seemed to work very well, since there's a new mysterious player in the field, and he's manipulating the students of Ohtori to reveal their dark and evil sides, the holes in their hearts, and from that he makes them do whatever he pleases...which mostly involves more dueling. His name? Souji Mikage, who hosts the Mikage Seminar, the vessel which he uses to persuade the students to come to him with their problems.
As of yet, Utena and Anthy have no clue what is going on, and neither does the Student Council...but all of that is about to change. If they thought they were clueless before, they had no idea until three individuals step into their lives. You might know one of them; he likes to be called...Zero.
Open with a quiet shot of Ohtori's garden, as Utena sits reading a book by the windows. Anthy waters some of the roses, while Chu Chu, sporting a set of jet-black shades and a beach hat, sleeps on the windowsill.
Utena: Anthy, I was thinking...
Anthy: (putting her watering can down) Yes?
Utena: Do you think this show makes any sense to anyone, or is that just a style choice?
Anthy: Show?
Utena: Nevermind, it's nothing. *sigh* It sure is quiet in here.
Anthy: Well, it is a garden.
Utena: Guess I shouldn't wish for something to happen, huh?
Anthy: Probably not.
Utena: *blink* Too late.
Anthy: Should I run?
Utena: Probably.
Musical Selection: Masami Okui-Rinbu Revolution (Red Rose Remix)
Pan left from Utena's chair, past Chu Chu, and past the glass doors of the garden to a slim character wearing a black leather jacket, a greasy Steelers cap, and with a big boom box on his shoulder, dancing along to the remix of the show's opening theme. Behind him enters a young man of eighteen years, sporting a white jacket with green racing trim, along with a white dress shirt and white-washed jeans. He's wearing orange-lensed sunglasses, and behind him enters another man of his age, wearing a bright purple vest with impeccable tan slacks and a subdued pink shirt. He's wearing pink lensed sunglasses, pushed up onto his blonde hair, and he's holding a rolled-up piece of paper in his left hand.
Duo: Come on, Quatre! Rock on, rock on!
Quatre: Duo, do you even know what she's singing about?
Duo: Not a clue, but I know I like it!
Zero: That figures.
Quatre: *chuckle* Typical Duo.
Zero: No kidding. Hey, is this the part of the script where we meet those girls?
Quatre: Let me check. *unrolls paper* Hmm...yes, yes it is!
Zero: I hope they're nearby, I can't see anything through these flowers.
Duo: *grooving like Michael Jackson* Oh yeah, oh yeah! Revolution...something or other...take my...yeah, whatever...yadda...ho hum...revolution...blah, schma, schmuck...take my revolution...Guitar solo!
As Duo slides to the ground on his knees and starts shredding his air guitar with one hand, he drops the boom box and it goes flying through the garden windows and out into the courtyard, smacking one Nanami Kiryou, member of the Student Council, right in the head and knocking her into the bricks. Miraculously, the music continues to play.
Duo: *blink* Where'd my ghetto blaster go?
Quatre: It hit that girl in the head!
Zero: Great introduction on our first day.
Quatre: Actually, I don't think this is in the script.
Zero: I'm on it. (reaches into his jacket and removes a cell phone) Justin? Yeah, it's Zero. Yeah, the guy in your Evangelion parody. No, that one's done, I'm in the Utena one now. Don't ask me why you're making a parody of your favorite show, you're the writer! Right. Yeah. Sorry about that. No, I called because Duo's boom box went through the window and smacked this blonde in the head. No, we haven't gotten to the duel yet. This is actually in the script?
Quatre: How can that be?
Zero: Quatre wants to know--right, how that can be. Oh, you revised the script before the parody started! Oh, thanks for telling us! I don't care whether it makes it funnier or not, it doesn't help us at all! What do you mean, I shouldn't talk back because you can erase me from existence?
A giant eraser emerges from the background and floats in front of Zero.
Zero: ...oh.
Quatre: Holy profound symbolism, Batman!
Zero: Quit adlibbing, would you? What? No Justin, everything's fine now. Yeah, you can call off your giant eraser. Right. Let you know how it ends? Su--oh no, wait a second! You're not fooling me with that one again! Hello? Hello? (puts cells phone away) He hung up on me.
Quatre: If he revised the script, then we have no idea how this story will end!
Zero: So? We'll just play it by ear!
Quatre: Can I take this vest off, then? Purple doesn't look good on me today for some reason.
Zero: Well, the neon green spats don't really go with that, Quatre.
Quatre: ...fashion commentary coming from a guy who wears a jacket that looks like a Hess gas station.
Zero: Hey, watch it!
Duo: Um, fellas...
Quatre: Yes?
Duo: We've got mondo problemo.
Cut to a wide shot of the courtyard, as Nanami stands up, tosses the bent boombox to Duo, and dusts herself off. Suddenly, the scene is consumed with fire, and the boys huddle together in fear.
Nanami: Which one of you did this?
Duo: *pointing at Quatre* He did!
Quatre: What? *pointing at Zero* He did!
Zero: 'Scuse me? *pointing at Duo* He did!
Nanami: Then I'll just have to kill all of you!
Quatre: *gulp* Mommy.
Zero: *gulp* I wish she'd stop adlibbing.
Duo: *gulp* Too bad, she's a real fox too.
Nanami raises a hand to the sky and aims it at Duo. Zoom in on the hand as she speaks.
Nanami: This hand of mine glows with an awesome power...
Zero: Oh no.
Duo: Here, take Quatre, he's low on fat!
Quatre: What? I don't want to be grilled!
Duo: Well we can't use Zero since he's depressed--
Zero: Hey!
Duo: --so we're just gonna put you in front. Besides, I'm way too cool to die.
Cut back to the garden, where Utena stands up from her chair as Anthy finished repotting a sunflower.
Utena: (closing her book) That's funny.
Anthy: What is?
Utena: Do you smell smoke?
Anthy: ...no.
Utena: Oh. I was thinking about Miki's cookout he had yesterday, and then I just smelled smoke.
Cut back to the courtyard, where the three boys are bracing themselves for the impact.
Nanami: ...it's burning grip tells me that I must defeat you!
Duo: Crap.
Quatre: Guys, come on! They don't make these kind of spats anymore! If they get ruined--
Nanami: Shining...
Zero: Hey Duo, there's a hot girl looking at us from the garden!
Duo: Where? Where? Where?
He jumps over Quatre and peers into the glass, seeing Utena staring back at him.
Duo: Hallelujah! My prayers are answered--a chick with pink hair!
Nanami: ...Fingah!
Zero: Nice knowin' ya, Quatre.
Quatre: What about my spats?!?
Cut to a bird shot of the courtyard as there's a large fire and brimstone explosion that fills the camera with smoke. When it's over, Nanami stands triumphant. But...
Quatre: *hack* *cough* Now I need to have my lungs cleaned again. Just because *hack* Miss Noin smokes a cigar now and then *hack* *sputter* doesn't mean that she has to blow the smoke right in my face!
Cut to a worm shot of Quatre as he realizes he's in somone else's arms.
Quatre: Um...who are you?
Utena: I'm Utena Tenjou. Nice to meet you. You know, it's weird, I was sitting in the garden and I wished that I would meet a cute guy, and well, here you are!
Quatre: I'm...cute?
Utena: (pause) Well, yeah!
Pan left as we get a nice profile of Utena, her cheeks turning red as she realizes what she just said. Pan right to a close-up of Quatre, as he starts turning red as well.
Cut to Duo as he stands by the smoke, his body charred black with soot and dirt.
Duo: Man, why does Quatre get all of the women...
Cut to Zero, getting up off the ground and dusting himself off.
Zero: Man, why does Duo always get me into trouble?
Nanami: Right on target...as always!
She starts walking away, until she stops by Duo and throws him a wink and a sway of her hips. Duo shakes off his dust and dirt as his eyes bulge out.
Duo: Dude, two hot chicks on the same day...I hate being confused with options.
Part 2: Getting To Know Each Other (or, Does Quatre Really Have Underwear the Color of Utena's Hair?)
Cut to a wide shot of the Ohtori dormatory, as Utena and Anthy (with Chu Chu in tow on Utena's head) sit on a bench. Zero leans against a street lamp, and Duo and Quatre are standing behind the bench.
Utena: Wow, three guys in one day. Imagine my luck.
Duo: (thinking) Darn that Quatre...I'll fix him.
Quatre: (thinking) I'm...cute?
Zero: (thinking) Those bozos...they totally forgot why we're here. It's not like I have anyone I'm attached to already...I should probably just do this alone.
Anthy: Miss Utena, Miss Jury is coming.
Utena: Oh, hi Jury!
Long pan up on Jury's curves and her bouncy orange hair as she walks past the group. Zero freezes, and his sunglasses fall off as Jury walks by him, smiles politely, and continues on her way.
Zero: (thinking) I take it back. I'll stay here as long as I like.
Utena: So, what brings you guys here? Are you new students?
Quatre: Something like that. See, we're looking for a Souji Mikage. Do you know him?
Utena: Nope. Anthy?
Anthy: I don't know him either.
Utena: Is he a student?
Duo: Sort-of, babe. See, he's runnin' this thing called the Mikage Seminar, and--
Cut to a close-up of Duo as a frying pan smacks him in the face. Pull out fast to reveal Zero leaning over Utena for the hit.
Duo: Whatcha do that for?!?
Zero: For your own good. That's one for--wait, that's not right. *ahem* What I mean is, you can't just be telling everyone what we're here for, no matter how good-looking they are!
Anthy: Miss Utena, you seem to be having great luck today!
Utena: *giggle* I know!
Zero: Hmm? Oh, it's not like that, Utena. I'm just trying to put everything in Duo terms.
Utena: *giggle* Sure you are.
She stands up and takes in the three boys.
Utena: Now, which one of you wants a date with me tonight?
Quatre: (getting down on one knee) Miss Tenjou, I would greatly appreciate it if you would be on my arm tonight for a walk in the garden.
Duo: (leaping over the bench and landing behind Utena) Yo, sweet lips! My heart burns for you, and my eyes adore you! I can't get enough of your body, your hair, and your style, and I know that you want a piece of this too. Besides, Quatre's underwear is the color of your hair.
Quatre: Excuse me?
Zero: (leaning frying pan on his shoulder) Geesh Quatre, what's with you today? Neon green with khaki, pink, violet and HOT pink underwear?
Quatre: I DO NOT HAVE HOT PINK UNDERWEAR! (snatches frying pan) Gimmie that!
Utena: (stepping between them) Take it nice and easy...
Duo: Darn it, that's my line!
Zero: Oh look, here comes more trouble.
Duo's eyes bulge out as we track his gaze of Nanami, walking with Touga, the red-haired dashing prince of all fangirl's dreams.
Touga: Good evening, Utena.
Utena: Touga.
Nanami: What is going on here? (sees Duo) You again?
Duo: Hey, I didn't do anything this time, blondie! Don't go trying to fry me!
Touga: Funny running in to you here, Utena. I thought you were a homebody.
Utena: I was just getting to know these new students. Let me introduce you.
As Utena points them out, close-ups of each guy's face is coupled with a cold stare from Touga.
Utena: This one's Duo Maxwell...he's kind-of off the wall. This one's Quatre Wiinner...he's smart, mannerly, and cute. And this one is Zero...he's kind-of moody.
Zero taps Quatre on the shoulder.
Zero: Gimmie back my frying pan.
Touga: Trying to find your prince, Utena? You know that you don't have to look any further than right in front of you.
Utena: (waves hand) Yeah, whatever.
Touga: Well, if that's how you're going to be, then I'll be going...but you can't keep avoiding me forever. Someday, you will be my Rose Bride.
Utena: Satan had better get out his flannel pajamas on that day!
Touga: Perhaps.
Nanami follows, but not before giving Utena a raspberry. Duo stands next to Utena and scratches his head.
Duo: That guy has got to be gay.
Quatre: Well Duo, a lot of people think that me and Trowa are gay. They even write about it online!
Duo: Still? What's the latest buzz?
Quatre: That I drugged him while we were on Peacemilion.
Duo: I don't think I've read that one. E-mail it to me, would ya?
Quatre: So long as you apologize for making fun of my underwear.
Zero: Ah, so it is hot pink.
Utena and Anthy laugh as Quatre fumes, while Zero spies Jury standing across the street by the lake. He excuses himself and walks over. Wide shot as he comes up next to her, watching as the park lamps illuminate the water.
Zero: Good evening.
Close-up of Jury as she's startled, but regains her composure.
Jury: Good evening to you as well.
Close-up of Zero as he pushes his sunglasses up onto his forehead and looks at Jury.
Zero: I'm Zero.
Jury: That's an interesting name. I'm Jury.
Zero: That's an interesting name.
Jury: (smiling) That's true. Are you a new student here?
Zero: I guess you could say that. I'm actually trying to find a Souji Mikage.
Jury: I've heard of the Mikage Seminar, if that's what you mean. The rumor is that you can go there and be counseled when things go wrong in your life.
Zero: Really? Sounds more like psycho-therapy than a seminar.
Jury: I agree, though I wish I knew more about it. *blink* Is there a reason why you're carrying a frying pan around?
Zero: Hmm? Oh, for self-defense. My friends tend to say a little too much to pretty girls.
Jury: I see...
Zero spies a locket hanging from her neck.
Zero: That's a pretty locket, Jury.
Jury carefully puts it back under her shirt.
Jury: It's just a trinket that I can't seem to get rid of.
Zero: Well, it's getting late and I need to get something to eat.
He turns to Jury and waves his frying pan at her.
Zero: Nice meeting you. Hope to see you around, Jury.
Jury: Yes, you too. Take care.
Zero's face floods red as he walks away, but he stops when he sees Quatre and Duo on both of Utena's arms, walking down the brick path with Anthy and Chu Chu, who is fighting with a Twinkie, in tow.
Zero: (calling over his shoulder) Jury, would you mind having dinner with me? My friends are out of my frying pan's range.
Part Three: The Meeting With The Chairman (or, How Does One Make A Bad Situation Even Worse?)
Fade in from a shot of Ohtori's garden to the large observation tower. Zoom in through the open windows to the elevator as it dings open, revealing the three boys in their usual garb. Duo now sports his hair with blonde highlights in the front and with a long leather jacket, while Quatre is wearing a red blazer with black slacks. Zero sports clothes in blue, but still with his jacket that looks like a Hess gas station.
Zero: Hey!
Sorry. Pan left from the boys to a set of two couches, where the Chairman of the school, Akio Ohtori, sits waiting for them.
Akio: A pleasure to meet you all. I'm Akio Ohtori, the acting chairman of this school.
Zero: Mr. Ohtori, I'd like to get right to the point. We wanted to talk to you because we feel there are some internal affairs going on within your campus.
The boys sit down on the opposite couch as Akio leans against his in a relaxed manner.
Akio: Really?
Zero: Yes. We have reason to believe that a Souji Mikage is out to ruin this fine Anime show that you all live in, and we at the Environmental Anime Protection Agency--
Duo: Dedicated to the protection of every Otaku's right to watch good Anime, thank you!
Zero: --are trying to apprehend this criminal.
Akio: I see. What if I told you that a secret operative from your own organization had already contacted me and is infiltrating Mr. Mikage's organization right now?
The three boys blink in unison.
Zero: Ah--
Quatre: Um--
Duo: Duh--
Akio: I see.
Zero: See what?
Akio: I see that one of you likes to wear the same spats that I do.
Quatre: *blinks* Oh, I know! Aren't they the best? I have ones in neon green too!
Cut to Zero as he hefts his frying pan over Quatre's head. Duo scoots to the edge of the couch for protection.
Akio: I have the entire collection.
Quatre: I can't believe it! Guys, can you believe it?!?
Zero lowers his frying pan.
Duo: *sweatdrop* Nope, sure can't. Zero?
Zero: *sweatdrop* Nope, I can't either.
Akio: I also have quite the collection of dinnerware. That frying pan is circa 1995, White-Westinghouse as I recall. It was the only line they ever made.
Zero: Umm, can we get back to this operative thing?
Akio: Of course. His name is Wufei Chang, and--
Duo: Dude, Wufei is here?
Zero: Uh-oh.
Quatre: We're in trouble.
Akio: Why? What for?
Pan up from Zero's sneakers as he stands from the couch.
Akio: Oh, thank you for mentioning sneakers. I also have a collection of various vintage Nike and Reebok releases dating back to when Michael Jordan first starting playing basketball.
Zero: *blink* Whatever. Mr. Chairman, Wufei suffers from a ego syndrome. He believes that he is the smartest person in the world and that everyone who wields weapons is stupid. He's taken it upon himself to eliminate all stupid people from the world, and most of it has to do with his dead wife, who he named his Gundam after.
Akio: I see. The boy's a Gundam pilot? He must own Nataku, right?
Zero: How did you know that?
Akio: Besides collecting spats, dinnerware, and sneakers, I also collect the entire line of Gundam model kits from Bandai. When Wufei met with me I had them displayed, and he threw them out the window after kicking them across the floor and berating them for allowing themselves to be zapped by Treize's new shrink ray.
Duo: *sigh* Yep, that's Wufei.
Zero: Mr. Chairman, do you know where the Mikage Seminar is held?
Akio: I've heard that it's located at Nemuro Memorial Hall, but that's all I know.
Quatre: We have to get there right away!
Duo: (leaping over couch) Autobots, transform and roll out!
Zero: Do you always have to bring up Transformers like that?
Akio: I have a collection of--
All Three Boys: That's nice, Mr. Chairman, but it'll have to wait until later!
Akio: I see.
Close-up of Akio as he sips tea from a fancy mug.
Akio: I didn't get a chance to mention my cup and saucer collection. *sigh* Oh well...
Part Four: Welcome To The Black Rose (or, "I'm Off To Kill Me Some Idiots!")
Fade in from black to a tan-painted elevator as Wufei Chang, in his long white shirt and pants, sword in it's hilt at his belt, enters the elevator and sits in the single wooden chair.
Mikage: (on speaker) All right...please begin.
The elevator starts moving downward.
Wufei: Mr. Souji Mikage, I've come for you.
The elevator comes to an abrupt halt.
Mikage: Excuse me?
Wufei: My name is Wufei Chang. I'm a member of the Environmental Anime Protection Agency. Your activities in this show are making it completely incomprehensible--
Mikage: You mean, more incomprehensible than it already is?
Wufei: Just let me finish, would you? (removes sword) I'm placing you under arrest...wherever you are.
The elevator starts to move again.
Mikage: I'm only doing what's best for me. Isn't that what you do for a living?
Wufei: My mission in life is to eradicate all idiots from the world! Anyone with a weapon must be taught the errors of their ways!
Mikage: Deeper. Go...deeper.
Wufei: I've already told you--(looks around) Is this elevator moving faster?
Cut to a shot of Mikage by a monitor with a lapel mike. Mamiya sits next to him pushing a long red lever labled "Speed" as far as it will go.
Mikage: ...no. But, you were saying about idiots...
Wufei: You fall into that category, Mikage. You're using the students as weapons here, using some kind of method to conjule them into becoming duelists.
Mikage: Deeper. Go...deeper.
Wufei: And...(throws sword to the floor and kicks it) WHY DO YOU IDIOTS ALWAYS CONFUSE ME?!? I'M SO TIRED OF BEATING ALL OF YOU INTO THE GROUND ONLY TO FIND ANOTHER ONE HIDING SOMEWHERE! IT'S LIKE...IT'S LIKE I'M TAKING ON AN ENTIRE PLANET ALL OVER AGAIN! WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE EVEN ALLOWED TO BREED?!?!??!
The elevator comes crashing to a halt at the bottom. Pan left as Wufei stands up from the chair, and as the single light flickers out, we catch a glimpse of the chilling look in his eyes, and also Mikage standing by the elevator door.
Mikage: I see. Your only choice is to revolutionize the world. The path you must take has been prepared...for you.
Close-up of Wufei's face as Mamiya slides into view behind his right shoulder.
Mamiya: I now give you your new heart...your new life.
Tracking shot as he lifts a black rose into view. Wide shot of the dingy and concrete-encrusted basement, walls lined with caskets that suddenly begin opening and closing to a frightening rhythm.
Mamiya: I give the rose that blooms at the End of the World...to you!
Close-up of Wufei's shirt as Mamiya's rose jams itself into it, and suddenly breaks off and flutters to the ground.
Mamiya: Wups.
Mikage: What is the matter, Mamiya dear?
Mamiya: He must be wearing Kevlar under that.
Wufei: Umm, did you just call him 'dear'?
Mikage: Why, yes. Yes I did.
Mamiya: We're--
Wufei: I know, the same thing that everyone thinks me and that baka Sally Po are.
Mikage: Ah, I see. Are those stories worth taking a look at?
Wufei: Not really...although I've caught a few naughty ones about you guys.
Mikage: That may prove interesting.
Mamiya: But, sweetie, what about my rose?
Mikage: (leans close and whispers) Darling, do you think this man really needs the rose's poison? He's already one egg short of a full carton.
Mamiya: *sigh* I suppose so.
Mikage: Now, why don't we go and make some pancakes, dear?
Mamiya: Do I get to use syrup?
Mikage: Yes, I'll let you use syrup this time.
Mamiay: Yippie!
Mamiya does a cart wheel that takes him off-screen.
Wufei: Is he all right?
Mikage: Is anyone on this show all right?
Wufei: Ah. (hefts sword onto shoulder) I'm off to kill me some idiots.
Mikage: Excellent idea. Oh, and while you're at it, kill that detestable Rose Bride too.
Wufei: The more the merrier.
Mikage chuckles, but stops when there's a series of abrupt thuds.
Mikage: Mamiya, if I've told you once and I've told you a million times...watch out for the steps!
Mamiya: *dazed* Yes, sweetie... *normal* Hey, I found the old Christmas tree!
Commercial
Narrator: From the people that brought you Revolutionary Girl Utena comes a tale of Ohtori Academy's last days. Witness disturbing imagery...
Cut to a shot of Jury on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Narrator:...profound symbolism...
Cut to a shot of Utena and Sailor Moon dressed in each other's outfits.
Narrator: ...religious contradictions...
Cut to a shot of Nanami slapping Duo.
(Okay, who didn't see that one coming?)
Narrator: ...and hellish revelations.
Cut to a shot of the Student Council, minus Jury, sitting in the cafeteria and reading an issue of Newtype Magazine.
Miki: You mean, Jury's a...!
Nanami, Touga, and Saionji: SEE?!? WE TOLD YOU SO!
Narrator: Prepare for the worst midterm you've ever taken.
Cut to a bird shot of the Utena and Anthy in the dueling arena, where two giant feet are dropping from the sky.
Narrator: Prepare for...The End of Utena!
Cut to a close-up of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, and pull back to reveal Utena and Anthy standing in his shadow.
Utena: Well, my momma said there'd be days like this...
Anthy: What would Doctor say? Fight the power!
Narrator: Brought to you by Maxwell House, your one and only post-apocalyptic caffeine source. Not associated with any Duo Maxwell products.
Mikage: You mean that Justin intends to finish what he starts writing?
Mamiya: I wouldn't bet on it in a million years.
A giant anvil falls from the sky and crushes Mamiya.
Mamiya: Ouch...
Mikage: All you all right, dearie?
Mamiya: Call...the...chiropractor...
Mikage: Of course, muffin.
Disclaimer: I don't own Revolutionary Girl Utena. Kunihiko Ikuhara, Software Sculptors, and Central Park Media do. Really, if I owned Utena, would I be writing this? Probably.
