Songfic: Silent Voices
based on the song "Silence" by Delerium
by Selah
Setting: Between episodes 26 and 30 (can't remember the exact one), where Lady/Colonel Une begins to question the war and gets shot. This is from Lady Une’s point of view. It is written entirely from memory so please forgive me if the history/background sounds wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Give me release
Witness me
I am outside
Give me peace...
I am not the master of my life. Sometimes I wonder why I am fighting this war, what my purpose is. Why can I not be a normal woman, loving a normal man, living a normal life? Why must I look at those lives from the outside?
Sometimes I feel torn in two. I do not love a normal man, and I do not live a normal life. Treize—he is extraordinary, someone I will never be. Does he even see me, what I have become? People cringe as I pass them in the halls, afraid of my every move. There are times when I am not myself, when Colonel Une takes over the Lady and I become a master of war. I see her destruction. Sometimes I can hear traces of her when I speak. I destroy the fragile peace I am trying to build.
My glasses are the emblem of my transformation. Here they sit, inert and silent. Yet when it is required that I lead, the warrior—the murderer—inside of me takes over and I become the Colonel. Strange, how something meant to help me see more clearly only clouds my vision.
If only I could be rid of the person I have become.
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe
That I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides
It is mainly Treize’s fault, though I have no idea if he is even aware of the cost of his efforts. My whole being longs to be recognized, praised by him, yet sometimes it seems he has no idea that I even exist, ready to achieve his every wish. As his Lady I am the very picture of grace, perfect and pacifist, willing to help the colonies. But as his Colonel my only goal is the utter destruction of our enemies—Treize’s enemies. Does he know he created this monster? Can he ever truly know?
Once I thought it was all well, that the war could be ended peacefully, that Treize would come to his senses and cease his talk of war. How naïve I was. Yet even though I wanted peace, more than that I wanted what Treize wanted. I wished simply to be with him. And it happened, though not like any of us could have anticipated.
Passion chokes the flower
Till she cries no more
Possessing all the beauty
Hungry still for more
Battle reports and daily updates came thick and fast once the war had begun in earnest. I simply could not handle the stress. At times I could almost feel another person trying to take control, someone who felt no qualms about war. And one day I let her. The Colonel achieved wonders I never would have, and with none of the conscience. But she was—is—an unemotional killing machine. Since the colonies had not yet chosen sides, and were quickly leaning toward anarchy, Treize sent me to oversee peacekeeping operations. I was able to achieve wonders in my own way, without the violence that the Colonel side of me craves.
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe
That I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides
In this white wave I am sinking in this silence
In this white wave
In this silence
I believe
The Colonel is strong, very strong. Every time I can feel her taking control, she is stronger. She loves war, thrives on it. And all for Treize. Everything she does is for him. Everything I do is for him—we have that one thing in common, at least. And he still seems unaware. Does he simply choose not to mention that he knows? Or is the war, the battle, the art and game of it so much to him that he cannot see anything but mobile suits and war leaders and governments? It is a game, I know this much. And I continue in silence, watching and waiting. I am growing tired of it all.
I can't help this longing
Comfort me
I can't hold it all in
If you won't let me
There are indications that Treize does feel something beyond the lust for power and conquest. But the impulses have been suppressed for so long that I wonder if he even recognizes them. I can see it sometimes, in his eyes. When I can see anything, that is. Sometimes the Colonel seems so blind. She is the very image of Treize at times, sharing his goals, yet she fails to see the big picture. War will never achieve true peace—how could it? Ah, Treize, I wish you could see my point of view. You sent me on this mission to the colonies, but did you realize I would be going against your sense of justice and conquest?
War is not graceful. It is not beautiful, no matter what the war poets and propagandists may say. No matter what you say, Treize. Am I the only one to see this so clearly? I am beginning to wonder if I hold the correct line. What if the Gundam pilots, fighting for what they believe in, trying to save Earth and the colonies, are in the right? What if everything I have held so closely, because of my insane love—yes, I will say the word—is a lie?
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe
That I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides
In this white wave I am sinking in this silence
In this white wave
In this silence
I believe
And what of the advent of the mobile doll? It merely extends this war, causes it to rage on without end, without loss of life, only loss of resources. I used to believe that war held purpose, that it should be avoided but sometimes was necessary. But since this war started in earnest, I have reevaluated my view and found it wanting.
Ah, but this retrospection can do no good. The lines have been drawn and I have chosen my side. I must stay true to what I believe, even if it is proven wrong in the end. It is something Treize taught me. Treize… the word conjures a thousand memories, images. When the war is over, will you finally notice me? Will you allow me to remain a friend? Or will our lives end with this war; will our friendships and alliances all be as nothing?
Life is a mystery. We live from moment to moment, such fragile lives. Life is precious. I must preserve the lives of others, my soldiers, the colonies, at any cost. I must…
I have seen you
In this white wave you are silent
You are breathing in this white wave
I am free…
There, the sound. It is almost time for another battle. I must call one of my soldiers in to help me prepare, and steel myself for the loss of life and equipment. But I do not want to fight. I am tired of fighting. Treize, can you hear me? Will you help me return to the person I once was?
I am so tired as I lift the glasses to my eyes…
I am Colonel Une, and war is everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did you think? This was my first songfic. It was more difficult than I thought it would be! I didn’t want to write out exactly what the song was saying, in text, but I did want to give a sense of the song and the feelings I got out of it when I listened. The song really does match Colonel/Lady Une perfectly, in my opinion, even if I butchered the interpretation of it. Comments are welcomed at Noelle1006@aol.com.
Disclaimer: I am not making any money from this, nor would I want to. All the characters are copyrighted and owned by some very powerful people/corporations, etc. etc.
