To See Beyond Light

By Starling

Arys sat on the edge of her Gundam’s cockpit door, swinging her legs and watching the party taking place on the front lawn of the Sanc Kingdom Institution. She could see the streamers and lanterns hovering over the lawn. Relena had invited a boys’ school from a nearby country for the party. Arys smirked. Heero and Quatre were probably grateful for that. She craned her neck, senses alert. If she listened closely, she could even hear girlish giggles and muffled conversations float through the night air. Some part of her deep inside wanted to join in with the laughter, the harmless flirting, and the dancing. But the soldier in her balked at such a pastime, sternly telling her that she could not lower herself to their level, that she had to keep herself above them, alert to any danger, like a guardian angel watching its assigned charges. She sighed as the violin music drifted to her, its soft tones somehow blending in with the sounds of the woodsy area’s inhabitants.

She patted the cockpit door, the cold metal offering her a measure of comfort. Silverwind had been her only true companion for five years. She tipped her head back to glance at her Gundam’s face; the silver eyes were dark, but she knew it was watching over her. She tapped her transmitter and Silverwind’s eyes flickered slightly, but went dark again at her command. She did not want any curious observers from the school to wander over.

"What am I doing here, Silverwind?" Arys pulled her feet up onto the door, hugging her knees against her chest. She gazed out at the dark forest, at the glow past the line of trees edging the school’s lawn. The party had begun only a few minutes before, and the selfish side of her whispered that she still had time to go. Arys pushed the thought away, listening instead for the echo of Silverwind’s answer.

You are fulfilling your mission.

As always, Silverwind’s reply was practical, logical, without emotion. Arys tried to keep the emotions away, but sometimes, she just did not have the strength to bury them in the back of her mind. She suddenly had the urge to talk to a person, a real person. Silverwind was good company when she needed to see the black and white side of things, but for a good discussion of the gray, a person worked best. Arys smiled wryly to herself. She almost wished Heero were around. She had found him to be interesting to talk to in spite of his monotonic tone. Yet, beneath the bored sound of his voice, she had been able to sense a person who felt things deeply but refused to show it.

Arys lay back on the door, gazing up at the stars. She had only flown among them in her dreams, in her mind, never for real. For a moment, she allowed herself the luxury of wondering what it would be like. Would it feel the same as it had in the virtual world? Her thoughts wandered aimlessly, darting from colony to colony, from star to star, planet to planet.

"You are not at the party."

Arys jerked to a sitting position. She peered over the edge of the cockpit door to see Heero standing on the ground, looking up at her. He was wearing a tuxedo, something she never thought Heero Yuy would even own.

"I could say the same about you, but I won’t." Arys lay down on her stomach and cradled her chin in her hands as she looked down at him.

"I was at the party, but I didn’t see you there." Heero shrugged. "I thought you’d be here."

"And what are you doing here, Heero?" Arys couldn’t resist smiling a bit at the impassive look on his face. She could see it even through the dark.

"I think you should go." Heero shrugged again.

Arys laughed. He was trying to convince her to go to the party in his charming cold sort of way. She stood to her feet, reached for her haul line, and slid down to land on her feet in front of Heero. She heard a whoosh as the cockpit door closed above her. Walking a circle around Heero, she eyed the suit he was wearing, not because she liked it, although she had to admit that he looked great in it. She wanted to make him feel nervous. And judging from the way he was rocking back and forth on one foot, she had succeeded. Her intuition told her that Heero did not get nervous easily.

Arys stopped in front of him. "Nice penguin suit. I didn’t think you were the kind of person who would wear one."

Heero started a little at her statement, and for a fleeting moment, she saw confusion in his eyes, and then the emotion vanished, his eyes becoming hard once again. "You didn’t answer my question."

She shoved her hands into the pockets of her black trenchcoat and shrugged. "I don’t recall you asking me one."

Heero’s dark eyes scanned her outfit and he shook his head. "You can’t wear that to the party."

"I’m NOT going to that party, Heero," Arys stated, trying to insert some of her familiar biting tone into her voice. All she could come up with was a bitter regretful sound. She turned away from him, surprised to feel tears in her eyes. She was going to cry and she had no idea why.

"Why?" The question was simple, but that wasn’t what caused Arys to push back the tears. There was genuine curiosity in his question, as well as a hidden concern. Someone was actually worried about her? Now, that was a first… Having someone take compassion on her was too new, too disturbing. What was his motive? Did he want more information from her? Just the idea stirred a survival instinct within her, and she turned back to him, the tears dried.

"For the same reason you’re standing here with me instead of dancing back at the party." Arys began to walk away. "I don’t belong there." She let the trees cover her, taking refuge in the shadows. But she could not erase the image of his eyes from her mind. They had been dark sapphire pools. Looking into them had been like trying to see beyond light.

Heero watched Arys disappear into the woods, in the direction of the school. For some reason, she trusted him, to the point that she would leave him alone with her Gundam. He glanced up at the mobile suit and smiled slightly. Arys had too close a connection with it. If he tried to do anything, she would know instantly and would probably try to kill him.

He really did not want Arys wandering around the school by herself. She may trust him, but he did not trust her. She seemed genuine and willing to help, but she was so different from the other girls that he wasn’t sure if she had another motive for being at the school.

Maybe he was being paranoid. She reminded him of Duo for some reason, and the great Shinigami had always made him feel nervous with his endless chatter, his perpetually happy countenance, and his exaggerated American accent. Arys had none of Duo’s chattiness nor his happy-go-lucky personality, but she definitely had the slight American accent, the American mannerisms, and the same go-with-the-flow attitude. In Duo, he found those characteristics annoying, but in Arys, he found them confusing. Duo was easy to read; Arys was not.

He glanced up at Silverwind. The Gundam was settled into a kneeling position, its eyes staring off into the direction of the school. If he used enough imagination, he could almost see a wistful look in those eyes through the darkness.

"Maisie," he whispered. "She’s friendly with Maisie." Without another word, he walked through the forest and back onto the lawn of the school. He headed straight for a brunette standing on the outer edges of the crowd. She was scanning the people with sharp blue eyes, while managing to look slightly bored with the glass in her hand.

"Your name is Maisie Kaylen," he said simply.

Maisie merely smiled. She raised her glass to him. "Your name is Heero Yuy." She downed her punch and then glared at the rim of her glass as if it had betrayed her. "I hate punch," she muttered.

"You know Arys Walker?" Heero asked.

"Yes, she lives across the hall from me. We talk once in a while. She’s not exactly the talkative type." Maisie eyed him warily. "Why are you asking me this? You hang around her more than I do."

"You’re a girl."

Maisie rolled her eyes. "As if that’s supposed to solve the world’s problems."

"No, I mean that you can talk to her." Maisie was a rebel amongst the other pacifists at the school. Her parents had forced her to attend, but it was clear that she would rather be anywhere else but here.

Maisie’s gaze focused on him. She smiled. "Ah, you want me to do you a favor, don’t you?" She laughed.

"Make her come to the party."

Maisie shook her head. "That’s a tough one."

"You’re a girl," Heero repeated.

Maisie sighed and handed her glass to Heero. "Like I said, as if that’s supposed to solve the world’s problems. I’ll do my best." She walked away, toward the school.

Heero leaned against a tree and watched her go. Halfway across the field, she glanced back over her shoulder, a mischievous grin on her face.

"I want a dance when I get back, Heero Yuy!"

Heero ignored the couples who stared at him. Let them think what they wanted. He was doing his job and he didn’t care what they thought about it.

Arys typed fiercely on her computer, trying to drown out the sounds of the party coming through the window in front of her. It wasn’t working. Her gaze kept wandering out the window and she would find herself watching a waltzing couple, a group of girls gossiping in a corner, or Relena conversing with a group of boys from the other school. She shook her head, stood to her feet, and clapped the blinds closed with a bang.

"Arys Walker, why aren’t you at the party?" A strident voice said from her doorway.

Arys closed her eyes, trying to keep herself from saying something she would regret. "Why is everyone worried about my attendance at the party?" She opened her eyes and turned around in her chair to face Maisie. The brunette wore a knowing smile.

"And who would be everyone?" Maisie walked toward her, one hand held behind her back.

"Um…" Arys hesitated and watched with something close to horror as Maisie whipped out a sparkling confection of blue-silver from behind her.

"Arys, I think the reason you won’t go is that you don’t own a dress."

"I…I…" Arys stumbled over her words, hating herself. Gone was her excuse and now she had none other. And the selfish side of her was telling her to attend the party, to have a good time, to wear a dress that would make her look like a lady.

"Any normal girl can’t resist the chance to dress up, especially after having to wear those awful school uniforms. You can have this dress, Arys."

"What?" Arys stared up at Maisie in shock.

"Yes, Arys, you can have this dress. I am giving it to you." Maisie emphasized each of her words with a no-argument tone.

Arys regained some of her composure and glared at Maisie. "Heero put you up to this, didn’t he?"

Maisie merely smiled. "He’s also going to dance with me in exchange for my getting you to the party." Maisie leaned close, the dress brushed against Arys’ arm. She pulled away as if a hot iron had landed on her skin. "And I’ll just bet that Heero’s going to want to claim a dance with you," she whispered.

Arys jerked away and out of her seat. She stood at the window, opening the blinds to let in the light from the hanging lanterns. "You know as well as I do that Relena is in love with Heero. She’ll claim all his dances."

Maisie waved away the statement with a gesture of impatience. "Oh, pish-posh, Heero won’t let her."

Arys sighed, giving in. "All right, Maisie, do your worst."

"Wrong, my dear. I do my best, just like I told Heero." Maisie hung the dress on a clothes hook on the closet. "Now, let’s see what we can do with you." She looked Arys up and down. "First thing, that trenchcoat has to go."

"Figures," Arys muttered to herself.

"Ahem."

Heero opened his eyes to see Maisie standing in front of him. And next to Maisie stood Arys. Heero gaped for a few moments. She looked like she had just eaten a lemon, but in spite of her sour expression, the girl looked like… a girl.

Heero glanced back at Maisie to see her smiling at him. "Mission accomplished," she said.

"I see that. I believe I owe you a dance." Heero bowed to her.

"Yes, you do." Maisie turned to Arys. "Now, Arys, you can stand here, but if you keep looking like that, none of the boys will ask you to dance."

Arys tossed her head. "I think that’s the point."

"I think not." Maisie winked at her. Heero saw the three boys headed their way. "Better put a smile on your face, Arys. Let’s go, Heero." She grabbed his arm, and Heero followed her onto the dance area.

As he led her in a casual waltz, Heero could see Maisie trying to unobtrusively keep tabs on her creation. Arys whirled by with a blond-haired boy who couldn’t keep his eyes off her face. Arys, on the other hand, was quite intent on the space over his shoulder and refused to look in his eyes.

"That girl’s going to be labeled a snob if she keeps this up," Maisie whispered.

Heero shrugged. "At least, she’s where I can watch her."

"And just why would you want to do that, Heero?" There was a glint in her eyes that said she knew more than she was letting on.

"I don’t trust her."

Maisie nodded. "Just a specific occasion of the fact that humanity is not trustworthy."

"You’re saying that no one can be trusted."

"You got it. Sometimes, you can’t even trust yourself."

"I don’t trust anybody," Heero stated flatly. Maisie was a rare one; she took his admission in stride. She shrugged.

"You think you’re the only one?"

The waltz ended and Maisie stepped away from him. Maisie smiled at him, a real smile that softened the bitterness on her face. "You’re a good man, Heero Yuy. I think that your problem is that you trust humanity too much, but you just can’t tell yourself that because it’s against your training."

Heero gave her a surprised look, then he glared at her.

"Don’t worry, Heero." Maisie laughed at the expression on his face. "Your secret’s safe with me. I have no cause to reveal your identity or Arys’ identity." She leaned forward to tap him on the shoulder. "Trust me."

Maisie walked away, her burgundy ballgown swishing slightly. Two boys followed her, obviously to request a dance. Heero stared after her. Then, he looked around for Arys. She stood by the punch table, talking to her blond dance partner. Her face was a little less pinched, but she still seemed… nervous. Heero wandered over.

"Excuse me," Heero tapped the blond on the shoulder. "I was wondering if I could steal your dance partner."

"Be my guest." The blond motioned to Arys. He smiled at her. "One more dance before the night’s over?"

Arys nodded stiffly, obviously unsure how to say no. Heero stopped the blond from walking away with a hand on his arm.

"Actually, she’ll be with me the rest of the party."

The blond looked surprised, but he nodded politely, his upbringing coming into play. He bowed to Arys. "I will bid you good night then, my lady." He left, heading for the group gathered around Relena.

Heero could feel Arys staring at him. He glanced at her, noting the slight relief in her eyes at his rescue.

"You didn’t like him," Heero said.

Arys shook her head. "He was nice." She shrugged, relaxing the tight set of her shoulders. "I’m just not used to men taking notice of me." She threw him a sharp glance. "Thank you for saving me, but you really don’t have to spend the rest of the party with me. I know there is someone else you would rather dance with. In fact, if I have your permission, Mr. Yuy," she dipped slightly, curtsying to him, the sarcasm evident in her voice, " I would like to retire early." She stepped away.

"No." Heero grabbed her arm, stilling her.

The next waltz began, and he tugged her toward the dance floor.

"Hey!" She tried to get away from him without attracting attention, but in spite of her attempts, Heero could see the people nearby eyeing them curiously.

Heero ignored her protests and tucked an arm around her waist. She stared up at him, the anger still in her eyes.

"Dance with me, Arys," he whispered.

The anger in her eyes faded at those words. She looked down at the ground, then nodded.

"All right, Heero. You win," she said.

They danced together most of the night. Even after the fifth dance, Arys still did not feel tired. She sat down in the lawn chair next to Heero and sipped at her punch. She glanced over at her partner and saw that he was watching Relena. Something pierced her when she saw the expression on his face, and she frowned to herself. They had not spoken much during their dancing; there had not been any need for words. She could tell that Heero did not like the harmless chatter that girls usually engaged in when they danced with boys, so she had kept quiet, which suited her fine. But now, she had a question for him that had been bothering her all night.

"Why, Heero?"

Heero’s gaze slowly settled onto her face. His eyes seemed fathomless and shallow at the same time. There were so many things hidden underneath the shell of Heero Yuy. She doubted she would ever find out what they were.

Heero’s answer was simple. "I don’t trust you."

Arys smiled. "I already knew that. Yet, I trust you. Why can’t you trust me?"

"You should not trust me. How do you know you can?"

Arys had a ready answer for that one. "When I look at you, Heero, I see myself."

She sensed his shock, his confusion. She stood to her feet, seeing Quatre walking toward her. She smiled at Heero. "Here comes Quatre. I suggest you make use of this free dance and ask Relena."

She walked away, still feeling his eyes on her. She had confused him. Was it true? Did she truly see herself in Heero? She could not put her finger on it, but she did. It was like looking in a mirror and seeing yourself staring back at you. She felt comfortable around Heero for some reason. She had yet to figure out why.

Quatre was a good dancer and definitely showed more enthusiasm than Heero did, but Arys found herself missing the quiet pilot. Yes, he had been silent through the dances, but he had moved with a grace that Arys found easy to follow. Quatre was just as graceful and acted the perfect gentleman, but he wasn’t Heero.

That’s what I get for dancing with Heero five times. I’m too used to his way now.

Arys relaxed as Quatre asked her a few questions about her life. She responded with her normal pat answers. She risked a glance into his eyes and was surprised to see an echo of what she saw in Heero’s eyes. Quatre suspected more than what she was telling him. Had Heero revealed her to Quatre?

Her panicked feeling quickly passed as Quatre began to talk about his family, his life, taking the burden off her. She listened with interest and realized that Quatre was a true gentleman, that he loved easily, and that he forgave unconditionally. And that right now, he was giving her his trust. Silently, she thanked him with her eyes and saw the answering flash of compassion in his.

His eyes were so different from Heero’s. They were almost girlish in their gentleness, and they seemed to be full of light, a light that came from within. There was nothing hidden in his eyes. She saw the pain, the regret, the grief. It saddened her that she had not met Quatre before he had lost his boyish innocence. He still gave off the essence of innocence, but pain knew its own and she could tell he had his own to wade through.

"I think you remind him of Duo," Quatre said suddenly, startling Arys from the comfortable silence she had slipped into.

"Who?"

"You remind Heero of Duo. That’s why he acts that way around you."

Arys titled her head slightly. "Who’s Duo?"

"He’s a friend of ours. He’s American. You’re American. I guess you kind of get lumped in with the loud-mouthed, chattery type." Quatre smiled, his tone teasing.

Arys couldn’t help laughing. Loud-mouthed? Chattery?

"But you’re nothing like Duo really. You just have the same air about you. That I-don’t-care attitude."

Arys shrugged. "I suppose." She glanced over at Heero and Relena. Relena looked ecstatic and happy, while Heero merely looked bored. She thought back to Heero’s face while he danced with her. Had he looked bored? She couldn’t remember.

"He wasn’t bored, Arys."

Quatre was continually surprising her. It was as if he knew what she was thinking.

"You were watching?"

Quatre nodded. "It’s not often that Heero actually looks like he’s having a good time. And he looked like he was when he was dancing with you."

"He doesn’t trust me."

"Oh, I think he does. He just doesn’t want to admit it to himself." Quatre smiled at her as the waltz came to a slow halt. He bowed to her.

"It was an honor, Miss Walker."

"Likewise, Mr. Winner." She grinned at his formality. "I hope to see you again."

"That will not be difficult." Quatre stepped away, winking at her as he did so. "He’s coming back, so I will take my leave."

"Hi, Quatre," Heero said.

"Heero, I’m glad that you convinced her to come to the party. She’s a good dancer." Quatre walked away, heading for the punch table.

"I know," Heero said to no one in particular. He wasn’t even looking at her. Without another word, he took Arys’ arm and led her to the punch table. He handed her a glass and then took one for himself.

"Did you enjoy yourself?" Arys asked him.

"Yes. You?"

Arys nodded. "Quatre is a gentleman."

"Yes. And Relena is a true lady."

"I would expect so. Being of royal blood and all." Arys grimaced inwardly. Even more she felt as if she didn’t belong here. She stood here at this high-class party, wearing a dress that was not hers, talking to a young man who was loved by a woman of royalty, dancing with a wealthy heir, and drinking punch that was nothing like the water she had drunk as a soldier in her virtual world.

"You’re right," Heero said.

Arys was about to take a sip from her glass, but she lowered her glass when she saw the intense look on Heero’s face. He wasn’t staring at her though. His gaze seemed to be focused on something else, something that she could not see.

"About?" She prodded him verbally.

"Us." Arys had to admit that she liked the way Heero spoke. He used his words sparingly, yet they held a wealth of meaning.

Arys nodded. "Do you trust me now?"

Heero looked over at her, and Arys wanted to look away. But those eyes held hers in a tenacious grip that would have been violent had it been a physical touch.

"No." He stood to his feet and held his hand out to her, his stance stating with a surety that she would not refuse him.

And she confused him! Arys wanted to laugh. Did he realize how much he confused her? One minute he was agreeing with her, the next he was contradicting himself. Then, it hit her. Yes, he may have realized that they were very much alike, but perhaps that wasn’t the problem. Heero did not trust himself, therefore he could not trust her.

This was the last waltz of the evening and it was even slower than the others. Arys felt the music wash over her and she felt weary for the first time. Heero must have seen the slight dip in her shoulders because he pulled her closer until her head rested against his chest. She closed her eyes as his arms tightened around her waist, trying to support her weakness with his strength. She could tell that he was not yet tired, and the fleeting thought passed through her mind that he probably never felt tired. For a moment, she imagined that he danced with her because he was attracted to her not because he felt the need to watch her, to keep her from fulfilling a hidden agenda. She felt his hand brush against her hair, and she looked up at him, seeing those blue eyes staring down at her.

"Do you understand?" He whispered, his voice hoarse with feeling. Beneath the harsh tone was a desperate pleading for her answer to be yes. She was amazed that she could hear it.

"Yes, Heero," she replied. " I understand." They had stopped dancing and now stood still. She stepped away from him slightly and looked down at the ground. She waited, unsure of what would happen next. Would he kiss her? Would he walk away, satisfied with her answer? Or would they finish the dance?

His hand tipped her chin so that she could see his eyes. She saw something different in them. He looked almost… dare she think it? Happy.

For a moment, he looked so vulnerable, like a lost little boy. And with a start, Arys realized that he had broken through all her barriers, the walls she had placed so carefully. And he had done it with only a few words. She had let him in. Would she regret it? She hoped not.

He dropped his hand from her chin, but he still held her gaze with his eyes. She could not have looked away if she had wanted to. Did he realize how much power he could wield with those eyes?

"It’s… nice to know that someone understands."

She knew then that he was not going to kiss her, and it did not surprise her nor disappoint her. She stepped forward and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Thank you for making me come to the party, Heero." She smiled, felt that it was genuine. "It was…" She tilted her head, searching for the right word. "Fun."

She walked away, not expecting Heero to follow her. She knew that he was still watching her though. But it did not make her nervous nor uncomfortable. He could watch her all he wanted. He would learn that she was on his side, someday.

Heero eyed Arys’ silver-clad form as she left him on the dance floor. He glanced around to see that many of the partygoers had gone. Relena and a few other girls had stayed behind to clean up. Streamers and lanterns lay on the ground, waiting for someone to come pick them up from their bedridden position. He had not even noticed the party’s ending, so focused was he on Arys. The girl had an uncanny way of making him forget everything else. Definitely not a good thing for a Gundam pilot.

But he knew now that she understood him. She knew that he could not trust her because he did not trust himself. Not even Quatre was privy to such information. Heero walked over to the clean-up crew and offered his help.

"Oh, Heero!" Relena ran over to grab his arm. "Could you take down the streamers over there?" She pointed over to the edge of the field, where the trees began.

Heero nodded. He headed over and saw Maisie, standing in the shadows of a large tree. She stepped out into the light. She smirked at him.

"So, Heero, how did it go?"

"Well." He leaped up into the tree Maisie had been hiding under. He yanked off the streamers caught in the lower branches.

"Looked like you did more than watch her, Heero."

He didn’t need someone prying into his life. Maisie may have helped him, but that was all she needed to know.

"Your observation is incorrect."

Maisie gave an unladylike snort. "I think not. You monopolized her the whole evening, Heero. I’m surprised you didn’t kiss her at the end. It would have made perfect fodder for the gossip crew. As if you didn’t already give them enough."

"We have an understanding."

"Oooh, an understanding." Maisie gathered up the streamers Heero was tossing down. "I’ve heard that before."

Heero leaped down in front of her. He could feel the anger rising within him, and he saw Maisie step back. "This is a different kind of understanding."

"Oh, really? You’d better be careful, Heero Yuy, because Relena’s after you and you don’t seem to know it."

Heero nodded. "I know."

"Well, what are you doing? Are you going to choose a cold nobody like Arys or one of the richest girls in the Earth Sphere?"

Heero couldn’t believe what Maisie was saying. "You have no business asking about my personal life." He took the streamers from her and turned away.

"No, I don’t, but you can’t stop me, Heero Yuy!" Maisie called after him. "And Arys is a friend even if she’s not very talkative, and I don’t like the way she acts around you."

"They just don’t understand," Heero muttered.

He handed the streamers to Relena, who responded with a grateful thank you. He felt her gaze on him as he walked away. Before hitting the steps of the school, he looked up.

Arys stood at her window, watching him. When she saw that he had noticed her, she met his gaze squarely, unflinchingly, as if she had wanted him to see her. She stepped back from the window. The blinds closed and Heero saw only the diffused light coming from her room.

He smiled. He mounted the stairs, taking them slowly. "What is it like, Arys, to see beyond light?"