~~My palms are bleeding
Drops on the floor
Angry red stains~~
Amir sits beside me. He is holding my hand.
“Quatre, love, stop being so tragic. Smile!” My lips
raise. He thinks it is a smile. He squeezes my hand
too hard.
~~Fingernails pressed into soft flesh
Blood mingled with salt water
My eyes~~
My other hand is in a fist. Blood is running down the
side of my arm in a slow drip. I wait, and count the
seconds.
Drip, 1 2 3 4 5 6, drip.
If I squeeze harder the drips come faster.
Drip, 1 2 3, drip
~~Tears on these wounds~~
The movie is over. We walk out of the theater and he
is still holding my hand. His car is a long ways away
and he still holds my hand.
Drip.
We get to the car.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come home with me?”
Drip.
“Take me home, please.” I say it. He does not hit me.
There is blood on the upholstery. He doesn’t know.
~~Burning~~
We are at the safehouse. I get out of the car and walk
to the door. I am walking quickly but he follows me.
He catches me on the doorstep.
“Did you have a good night?”
I nod my head.
“Good.” He is kissing me. I squeeze my hand tighter to
see how fast I can go. His tongue is in my mouth.
Drip Drip Drip
Then he is gone, in the car and off the driveway. I
open the door and go inside.
~~Healing~~
No one is awake. I go to my room and lie on my bed. It
is a small bed, with room only for one. Amir’s bed
could’ve fit many. Suddenly there is screaming. I get
worried. Who is screaming? Is someone hurt? Then I
realize that it is me screaming.
“Let me go, let me go!” I scream. ‘Hm. I think to
myself. ‘What an odd thing to scream.’ My door opens.
‘Idiot.’ I think. ‘Did you think they would just let
you scream? They need sleep.’ I look up to see who has
come. Maybe it’s Duo. Duo trys to make me laugh, and I
do so he won’t be sad. He’s nicer than Heero or Wufei,
who just come inside and look at me until I fall
asleep.
~~Words I cannot say
Expressed by this
A cleansing~~
Trowa is in my doorway. I stop mid-scream because my
breath is caught in my throat.
“Quatre!” he is yelling loud enough to be heard over
the screams. I am not screaming.
“Trowa…” I wince at the sound of my voice. It is
hoarse for lack of use.
“What happened?” He asked. He is concerned. “Are you
hurt?”
I shake my head. My hand is still bleeding.
“No. It was a dream.”
Drip
A nightmare.
He is coming towards me now and my heart beats faster.
~~By fire~~
“You’ve hurt your hand.” He says and he lifts my hand
between his. I look up at him, bit he is looking at my
palm, at the bloody fingernail cuts on my palm.
“Quatre…”
“The screen. I cut it on the screen.” So many lies. He
looks at me and does not comment on my lie.
“I’ll be back.” He says and leaves. I want to scream
again. I look at my palm an dtreace the path of blood
with my fingertip. He comes back and takes my hand
again. He pours something onto it and wraps it in some
gauze.
“Try to keep it dry.” He says and looks me in the
eyes. I look down. “Do you want me to stay until you
fall asleep?”
“No, Trowa. I’m fine.” My voice is laced with panic. I
don’t know why. He nods and looks at me again before
leaving and closing the door behind him. I fall asleep
quickly and the night was filled with silent
nightmares.
~~Your touch is fire on my skin
Not cleansing
But destroying~~
He called in the morning. Duo answered the phone and
wasn’t going to tell me who it was but I had already
picked up.
“Quatre baby!”
“Hi, Amir.”
“What do you want to do today, baby?” Duo is still
listening.
“I don’t know. Maybe-“
“I’ve got it! We can just hang out at my house today!”
“I’m not s-“
“Forget about it, baby! I’ll pick you up in a minute.”
“Alright.” He hung up. I help the phone for a moment,
pretending he had said goodbye. Then I hung up and
turned towards the door.
“Where are you going today, Quatre?” Duo asked. He was
serious.
“To his house.”
“Man, Quatre, you’ve gotta stop this! He’s not-“
“Duo. I have to wait outside.”
He turned his back to me. He was angry. “Be careful.”
He said. I walked out the door and sat down on the
step until he drove up and honked. I got in the car
and his hand was on my thigh.
~~Tearing down my
Identity
Faith
Hope~~
At his house I sit on the couch as he makes drinks. He
comes back with them and sat down too close beside me.
“Alright, baby, you want it in my room or just right
here?”
“Amir, I don’t want to do th-“ He stood up and slapped
me.
“Take off your shirt!” He screamed. I didn’t move.
“Fine! I’ll do it for you!”
~~Burned my soul
And left my skin
Hollow~~
He took a knife out of his pocket.
~~Empty~~
He drew it across my chest, ripping the shirt and
slicing through the skin beneath.
~~There is nothing now~~
“Lay down!” I didn’t move.
~~But ringing in my ears~~
There was another slice. I couldn’t feel it.
~~Funeral bells~~
“Scream!” I was silent.
~~For this blood I have shed~~
There is something sharp and cold in my side. I slowly
reach for it.
~~Worth more~~
There is blood on my hand again. It is soaking through
Trowa’s gauze.
~~Than the soul I have left behind~~
Trowa. He will want to know what happened. Maybe he
will wrap my side.
~~A sacrifice of blood~~
Maybe he will touch my side. I feel something when he
touches me.
~~For pain~~
Something warm.
~~Pain to fill the emptiness~~
There are gunshots and I look up. Has Amir shot me?
~~To be tangible~~
No… Amir is on the ground. He has blood on him. Is
that my blood? There is someone in the doorway.
~~Real~~
Trowa. He is angry, probably because he shot Amir
instead of me. He’s walking towards me but isn’t angry
anymore. There is some other expression on his face.
~~But no feeling in a vacuum~~
He looks concerned. Or is he scared? I try to sit up.
When did I lie down?
~~Pain is fleeting~~
He is saying my name loudly, as if I am screaming
again. No one is screaming.
~~Emptiness cannot be filled~~
He sits down beside me and holds something against my
side. He is still saying my name. What else is he
saying? I can’t hear him.
~~By blood~~
He suddenly lets go of my side and takes my face in
his hands. He leans towards me and his lips touch
mine. He pulls back and I am staring at him. Then I
hear him.
“Quatre! Quatre, I love you! I love you!”
~~And salt water~~
It was as if I had burst through a glass sheet.
“Trowa!” I cried out and I fell onto him, sobbing.
“I love you, Trowa!” His body tensed and I was afraid.
Afraid that I had heard him wrong, that I had imagined
everything. But he leaned down and kissed my forehead.
“I love you, Quatre.” He said quietly. The warmth I
had felt when he touched me was filling my body and
overflowing into every part of me. I smiled against
his chest. He looked down and, seeing me, gave me a
tiny Trowa grin. Then he picked me up and carried me
out of the house and into his car.
“Trowa,” I whispered as he started up the car. He
looked at me.
“Yes?”
But I didn’t need to say anything else. He was all I
needed.
Owari