The Most Bittersweet Gift - Chapter 3	Home - Review - Previous - Next
“Heero,” Duo whispered, not wanting to break into the young man’s concentration as he typed a report of some sort on the small personal computer that was tucked away in a corner of the cozy bedroom. Heero didn’t bother to look up at Duo who had crept in silently and settled himself at the edge of Heero’s made bed. “Yes.” “Do…Do you know of any churches around here?” Heero’s fingers faltered, and then he turned to look at Duo questioningly. “A church?” “Yes.” “Near here?” “It’s not like you to repeat everything as if you don’t understand it. It makes you sound flaky.” “A church, near here? Well…I think there’s one just before you reach the park, you know the one I’m talking about, right?” “Er…the park over near…um…” “I’ll take you, when do you want to go?” “Now, that’s why I’d just like to know where. I don’t want to inconvenience you, and you’re obviously busy.” Heero shook his head and stood, motioning for Duo to go on ahead of him. “Heero, it’s no big deal, really,” Duo protested to no avail. “I’ll go without you,” Heero threatened, jingling his car keys. “And that won’t be any fun.” Duo sighed and allowed Heero to drive him, secretly pleased that he didn’t have to do so, for he had been feeling drained for several days. It bothered him. Heero parked and followed at a distance behind Duo, who began his slow, even walk to the simplistic yet ornate doors that led into the small building, and once inside the air changed. There was the rich smell of candle wax, the slightly stale and sour odor of sweat from those who spent time within the sweltering chambers and those who were fevered with worship. The smell of old, dry paper tickled Duo’s nose as he walked slowly along the aisle, between the few well built wooden pews on either side, hand lightly tracing the roughened and beaten wood. Heero had chosen a perfect place, whether he realized it or not. It wasn’t one of the modern churches which served to offend him more for the reason it seemed to insult the Maxwell Church memories, it was older and more real. There was peace within these four men-built walls. Stopping at the even line where the front pews ended Duo looked up at the cross, his fingers wrapping around the gold one resting over his heart, and felt that peace fill him. A priest stirred from somewhere in the back and came around to the front; obviously startled that someone would visit during the off time it was. No services to be held, no functions, a bright and sunshiny day, leave worship and confessing for a day when the kids won’t enjoy the beach more. Practical choice, Duo thought, and was glad to be alone. The priest came no closer. Continuing forward Duo lit one candle in front of the cross, considering the flickering flame momentarily before slowly lighting another, a third, and finally a fourth, then dropping down to one knee and watching the flames dance, silently praying the prayers that one would not expect of a desperate and dying man. At last he rose to his feet and brushed the pants off, lit one last candle for himself, made the sign of the cross, though it had been so long since he had done it that it felt awkward, then looked back to Heero. Heero didn’t need to ask; he could see it in Duo’s face. Whatever it was the American had been seeking he obviously found and was ready to leave. Heero was glad Duo had allowed him to accompany him without argument. Taking the offered hand Heero smiled and allowed Duo to lead him out into the sunshine. “I’d like to take a nap,” Duo remarked softly, rubbing his eyes, leaning back in the seat. Heero bit his lip with worry and nodded. This did not go unnoticed by Duo. “And I can finish my report up,” Heero stated, watching Duo out of the corner of his eye. * * * * * ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Journal Entry 5 Peace. It’s such an interesting word, and it has so many definitions, dictionary cited as well as personal ones. I actually looked it up. Peace (n) à calm; repose; freedom from disturbance, war, or hostilities. –able (a) à in a state of peace; disposed to peace; not quarrelsome. –ably (adv). –ableness (n). –ful (a) à free from war, tumult, or commotion; mild; undisturbed. –fully (adv). –fulness (n). –maker (n) à one who makes peace. Anyway, where I was going with that before I decided to write that here just to laugh at myself about. I found peace today. That’s pretty much it. Heero took me to this small church and a couple minutes of silent prayer brought me an answer I had been looking for my entire life. It’s okay. I don’t know if I’ve been forgiven, and I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, I’m sure those fears will return once this tranquility passes, for I know it will, but for now, I’m happy. I’m also starting to feel the full effects of what’s happening to me. I had to take a nap today. For some reason, although I slept wonderfully, more deeply than I have in…well…in three years, I was exhausted by lunch. Heero’s worried for me though, so I can’t do that too often. I’m determined to be myself up to the very end. No need for the others to worry anymore than they have to. My only regret will be after I do go, I won’t be here to smile and cheer them up and make them feel better. I know that it will hurt them to see me go, which is why I’ve been traveling. It may hurt to know they didn’t see me my last few days, but the pain will be ever worse if they have to see me wasting away before their eyes, see the pain and fear in my eyes, and knowing they can’t do anything about it. I don’t want to bring them that sort of pain, hasn’t the war been enough? I must say however despite the war’s harsh reality, it wasn’t all that bad of an experience. Who would have thought the sweet blossoms of love and friendship could come from the thorns of war? But I’m glad that I’m being forced to stay. I don’t think I could handle some of this alone. I have a doctor’s appointment in a couple days, and since Quatre and Trowa have to leave the morning of it, Heero ‘volunteered’, and of course his idea of volunteering isn’t the same as mine, but it works, but he ‘volunteered’ to take me. Not only do I have to listen to my doctor worry over me not taking care of myself, now I’ll have to face the worry of Heero knowing. He’s bound to find out it’s more serious than I’ve been letting on. But if he’s worrying, that means he cares for me on some basic, primal level right? Duo Maxwell ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ * * * * * “Duo, I’m glad that you’ve finally brought along someone else. Sometimes I feel as if what I say goes in one ear and out the other with you, young man. Please come in and sit down. This will be very brief, just a simple update on your tests and to see how you’re doing, if you need anything. You look quite familiar,” the doctor’s eyes fixed onto Heero curiously. He seemed a kindly middle-aged man with graying hair and wire-rimmed glasses perched on his nose. Although he wasn’t the traditional example of overweight he was portly, but his twinkling hazel eyes made up for this. Heero didn’t bother to comment on that as Duo led him in, somewhat nervously Heero was surprised to see, and placed them on a deep brown loveseat, the color of chocolate. The results that the doctor had mentioned were from tests that Duo had undertaken a day before finding himself on Heero’s doorstep. Heero frowned at Duo, who was sitting practically thrown back against the small couch, obviously very familiar with the office and this particular piece of furniture. Heero on the other hand was sitting at the edge, not necessarily stiffly but soundly. The doctor held out his hand to Heero with a smile. “Dr. Wright,” he introduced in a voice that rumbled from somewhere down deep in his chest. “Heero Yuy.” “Heero Yuy? Even the name sounds familiar… Doesn’t matter.” Dr. Wright pulled up a chair across from them and opened a thick file. He looked up at Duo with a small frown. “You look better than you have in months, but judging from your tests this change occurred only recently. I suppose you’re the reason behind this?” Wright glanced at Heero. Heero gave a brief inclination of his head. “Make sure he keeps at it, whatever you have him doing.” Another acknowledging inclination and Dr. Wright nodded in response, gaze falling back on Duo, frown returning. “I would like to run some more tests, so maybe you can come back in a couple days.” Duo’s expressionless face dropped and he frowned. “More tests?” “Yes, to see what improvements have been made. The last test shows you’re lacking in calcium and iron, so I’ll prescribe some supplements. Since this will be a very short meeting, I won’t take too much time. How are you feeling?” “I don’t want anymore tests,” Duo told Wright softly, leaning forward so he could rest his elbows on his knees wearily. “It’s for your own good.” “But it’s not, not really. You yourself said I only have a few months at best. There’s nothing we can do about changing the fact that I am dying, but I would like to die in peace. Is that really too much to ask?” Dr. Wright shook his head, thinking. “No, it’s not.” His expression, although still kindly, almost grandfatherly, became stern. “But if you weren’t looking much healthier I would demand the tests.” Duo nodded. “I would like to have blood work done regularly, if nothing else, to keep my eye on how everything’s moving. You look like you’ve had sun recently, which is good for you, and fresh air. Don’t overdo anything though. I don’t want to see you in the hospital again because you collapse. Are you sleeping naturally or are you taking the sleeping pills?” Duo tensed slightly. “I’m sleeping fine.” “And what about pain-killers? Is the dosage high enough, have they been effective?” Duo sensed Heero’s questioning eyes settle on him and refused to look anywhere but the wall directly behind Dr. Wright’s shoulder. “Everything’s fine,” Duo assured softly, in what he hoped was a convincing manner as well as one that said EVERYTHING was fine, no need to ask anything else. “Do you need a refill on the Wellbutrin?” Duo shook his head. “Then I think everything is set. Here’s these,” Dr. Wright scribbled out the two prescriptions he said he would be giving, then handed them to Heero who held his hand out. Dr. Wright smiled. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Heero Yuy, although you don’t say much, do you?” “Hn.” Duo stood, pulling the jacket tighter around his body. “Well, I guess we best be going.” Duo moved toward the door, followed by Heero. Heero remained mum about the visit far longer than Duo had anticipated, as they were roughly five minutes into the silent car ride when Heero spoke. “Wellbutrin?” Duo nudged the glove compartment with his knee. “Yeah,” he muttered. “Why are you on antidepressants?” “I don’t know,” he mumbled. “Maybe because dying is kinda depressing.” “How long have you been taking them?” Duo sneaked a glance at Heero out of the corner of his eye. The Japanese man seemed calm, hands resting on the wheel lightly, looking over at Duo every so often, simply curious and a bit concerned. Duo gave a small shrug. “Couple years actually.” That got Heero’s attention. “But you didn’t find out until about a year ago…when did you start taking them and why?” Duo gave another little shrug. “I was feeling down, I dunno. I told you when, a couple years ago. They helped me pull my life together after the war.” Heero nodded. “And how long have you been having trouble sleeping?” “After the war, but the sleeping pills are a new thing. And the painkillers, well, I think that’s pretty obvious why I might have those, although I don’t use them all that often.” “What about that collapse he mentioned?” Heero asked. Duo rubbed his eyes. “I just…it was right about after I found out. I didn’t want to believe it, didn’t want to have to live if each day meant I was going to die. I wore myself out, didn’t eat right, and didn’t sleep enough drank caffeine to stay awake. One day it was too much and I just collapsed. I was in the hospital for three weeks recovering, so don’t worry, I’ve learnt my lesson.” Another nod from Heero, and to Duo’s surprise he dropped the subject altogether. “Do you want to get some lunch?” Duo gave a ghost of a smile. “Sure.” * * * * * ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Journal Entry 6 The doctor appointment was a disaster. I should have known. I shouldn’t have let Heero come with me; I should have made sure certain things didn’t come up. But how could I have stopped Heero from coming? Heero is a synonym for stubborn. When Heero wants something, Heero gets it. But, sigh of relief, it wasn’t a total disaster. Heero questioned me about my medication, but dropped it after a certain point. He didn’t press and I didn’t have to admit that I was put on antidepressants a month after Heero and Relena married, just so that I could function. How do I explain hundreds of sleepless nights, filled with nightmares and insecurities, after he left me? Am I really that needy? But I’m glad I don’t have to have any more tests. I would have snapped if they prodded or poked or stabbed or jabbed or pinched or done anything else to me one more time. I’ll do the blood work, it doesn’t bother me, you’re in, you’re out, and that’s it. I understand why, but I can’t stand being under that close of inspection all the time. That’s why I always fled as soon as the tests were done to far reaches of the world, where while I was sometimes a phone call away I wasn’t just around the corner. But now I’m here and I’m here to stay. I should probably try and get some sleep. I’m tired, and I heard Heero set the alarm system, which means he’s going to head to bed. Strange, I can’t sleep nights but I find myself growing increasingly exhausted during the day. I fight it, but it haunts me like a shadow. I think Heero’s noticed. He doesn’t say anything but the concern and worry is there. I don’t know why I’m fighting this every step of the way, especially the nights. Ever since that one night when I crawled into Heero’s bed like a frightened child and curled up in the warmth and security he has always given me I have done it every night. But I refuse to just admit that I need this by trying in vain to sleep in the guest bedroom, until waking up in the late night or early morning hours and find myself moving to his bed, to his arms, to peace. He accepts this and hasn’t once questioned me doing this. I do wonder though when I’ll swallow my pride and just start the night where I know I’ll end it. Quatre will be returning in a day or so, to wrap up some deal (although I honestly think he’s just finding excuses to check up on me. I know he doesn’t like to leave his home too often). When he comes we’re going to all head to the beach. Quatre has slowly forgiven Heero for everything that happened, mainly because of the way Heero and I interact now. I should sleep now. I can barely keep my eyes open, but as soon as my head touches the pillow I’ll be wide-awake. Duo Maxwell ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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