The Most Bittersweet Gift - Chapter 5	Home - Review - Previous - Next
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Journal Entry 7 I am such a coward. I left without even looking at his face, not wanting to look into his eyes. I refused to look into his eyes, afraid I would see nothing there after the moments we have shared…more afraid I would see something…anything. It’s easy to die when you have nothing to live for, but to die once you have a reason most to live. I don’t want the pain. It’s not a lie if I refuse to see the truth. Heero. The name is a sigh in my mind; it rolls over me in thick waves like chocolate, sweet and satisfying. I only have a few moments to record my thoughts here, but I must record them. Heero’s waiting, I told him I would be back in several minutes after I tried to get out of bed and he stopped me. I told him I needed to go to the bathroom and I did have a pill to take after all. I feel bad saying that, but I had to, even if it was the truth…a half-truth…still, it was the truth. I needed to get away for a few minutes, oh, sweet delicious torture. We are playing the game we played so long ago, cat and mouse. Catch me if you can, skitter, hide, pretend. I don’t have time for this. Look at that, my hand is shaking, the writing is so messy. It’s his smell, Heero has the sweetest musk I’ve ever known, and I’m wearing the shirt he had on this morning. It’s a dark green, soft as silk, and it’s his smell that I can’t escape. The addiction: heartache My pain is pleasure Bittersweet desire I hate him for making me feel. I never should have taken Wufei’s advice. I love him. Such chaos I harbor in my mind. Take me Break me Make me Bittersweet Surrender I’m yours I don’t want to die. Duo Maxwell ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ * * * * * “Duo, are you alright?” Duo looked up at Heero who was standing in the doorway to the kitchen and gave him a puzzled look, setting down the juice he had been holding in one hand and placed the bookmark in the book with the other before closing it slowly. “Why do you ask?” “I’m worried, I’ve been watching you closely the past couple days and you seem to be in pain or something. Is there something you want to talk about, something you want to tell me?” Duo shook his head, “No, I’m fine, as far as I know, and if I don’t know then I can’t quite tell you can I?” Heero came into the kitchen fully and leaned in to place a kiss against Duo’s lips before getting himself a glass of juice as well. “I have news…but I’m not sure if it’s good or bad,” Heero said, sitting in the chair adjacent to Duo. Duo gave an encouraging nod. “Well…I received a call from Relena nearly a week ago and she’s coming to visit, will be staying here for two days at the most.” Heero waited to see how this was received, and the slightest quiver to the bottom lip and the unwarranted flutter of his lashes was all Heero was given to base his next sentences on. “She should be here sometime tonight or early tomorrow. We’ve been doing this ever since she and I split up, staying with the other if we happen to be in town for some reason or another. And I wanted to discuss with you the sleeping arrangements before she came to stay.” “And you wanted to ask me if I wouldn’t mind not coming in and curling up with you while she was here,” Duo said softly. “Er…no, you see, I only have that one guest bedroom and I usually give that to her, so I was wondering if you would mind moving out of the room just for a few days and into mine. After she leaves you can go back to the room.” Duo appeared a bit surprised as he looked up at Heero, but nodded before he regained use of his voice. “I have no problem with that at all, but will she?” “Why should she? My private life shouldn’t be any of her business, no matter what that is, and quite frankly I don’t care what she thinks or says or how she reacts.” “Does she know I’m here?” Duo asked curiously. A small smile played over Heero’s lips, “Actually, I think I might have forgotten to mention that.” Duo smiled back and sipped lightly at his juice, then stood and put his dishes in the sink, prepared to clean out the stuff in the room while his mind was focused on it. Heero caught his wrist and pulled him back slowly. “You don’t regret the last several days do you?” he asked softly, looking up at Duo and brushing several wayward strands of hair from the other’s face. “No, I don’t regret it, Heero, I don’t think I could if I wanted to.” Duo smiled sadly and loosed his arm from Heero’s grasp. * * * * * ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Journal Entry 8 Finally I have a bit more time to myself. Heero is like a hawk, always circling, always watching, always aware. I’m flattered by the attention and concern, but really…it all gets a little old. Ever since that morning when we tumbled into the sheets and found the others body I’ve spent every night with him without question, not even thinking I would retire to my room, and now he’s asked me to stay in his room while Relena is here. He thinks I’m concerned…or something. Not likely, I’m just glad to have the chance to have him all to myself with her here, and I don’t think he’ll be arguing with me over it. She knew that him and I were involved and I’m sure she knew that Heero had left me stranded when he came to her. I just feel this will be evening things out a bit. At least in my mind, and that’s all that matters. I’m not asking Heero for undying love and devotion, I’m not delusional, although some would argue that point. All I want is for Heero to pay attention to me and stay with me and show me I’m someone just until I leave this earth, he won’t have to take long, I have two weeks left at the most, but I don’t have the heart to tell him. I think he knows, every time he looks into my eyes I see reflected in him the ghost of death. He knows, he senses it if nothing else, and I know, because the pain grows every day. Dying certainly isn’t easy, it’s painful. I’m taking two pain pills on average a day, sometimes more, sometimes less. I don’t know where the pain has come from, but I refuse to take more, no matter how much it hurts. When I take more I lose something of myself. The pain goes away but so do I, so I live through the pain so I don’t lose myself to the drugged state it puts me in. Gone, but not forgotten. At least, I hope so. Damn, I can barely keep my eyes open and it’s only after two in the afternoon. I’m going to have to take a nap soon, but maybe it’s all the nighttime activity that is wearing me out. I don’t know, but if so, I don’t care. Duo Maxwell ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ * * * * * The knock on the door was light but somehow commandingly polite, typical Relena fashion, and Heero stood and moved over to the door, opened it to see her standing there in the waning afternoon light, eyes sparkling and looking a bit older than the last time they had seen each other. Her cheeks were flushed as she dropped her small bag by her side and threw her arms around Heero’s neck, her usual greeting. Heero returned the embrace stiffly, as he always did, and she pulled back unperturbed by this. “Heero,” she greeted softly. “Relena, you’re looking well.” “Thank you,” she accepted, picking up her bag, knowing Heero would only take it from her in the gentlemanly way he always did. He did. She smiled fully at him and looped her arm through his. “It’s good to see you again, Heero. It’s been so very long and you haven’t visited in forever, I’ve missed you.” Her eyes sparkled with promises for the night to come. It had been rather innocent enough really; the way their relationship had carried on after all was said and done. Still good friends, still good sex. Just because their marriage ended that didn’t mean their couplings had to, and they didn’t, for every time one would visit the other they ended up in bed together. No regrets, both liked it, seeing it as the release that they didn’t have because they had no other relationships. Heero sighed. “It has been quite a while. I’ll put this in the guest room, everything should be cleared out of their already from earlier, and keep your voice down, I don’t want the nap to be disturbed.” Relena’s eyes took on that owlish glint which came from her curiosity and she looked questioningly at the closed door to the master suite, before taking silent steps toward it. “You have a girlfriend, Heero?” she asked, trying her best not to smile. “And you never mentioned it to me?” She opened the door before Heero could protest and peered in, taking in the dim room and the lithe figure sprawled unceremoniously on her ex-husbands bed, long waves of hair covering the woman’s face and most of her body, one fragile looking hand dangling loosely off the side of the bed. Relena closed the door, turned to look at Heero with a mock frown. “Why didn’t you tell me you had a girlfriend, Heero, I might have gotten a hotel room. Can’t be good, new girlfriend, ex-wife, they don’t mix, especially considering who you’re ex-wife is. Or did she just drop by unexpectedly, you didn’t know she would be here?” It took Heero a moment to recover from Relena calling Duo a her and a she even after looking in, but on reflection realized that Duo did have that appearance, especially with his hair down. Oh boy, how to explain this one. Running a hand back through unruly hair Heero opened the guest bedroom door and entered, setting the bag on the bed, which Duo had made, surprisingly enough. “I didn’t feel it imperative to mention it,” Heero explained after a long moment, during which his eyes scanned the room looking for any signs of the ex-pilot. “Yes, well, we’ll see what she has to say about that. Does she know I’m supposed to be coming? Let me guess, you sprung it on her just this afternoon, in typical Heero ‘need-to-know’ fashion?” A small smile quirked Heero’s lips and he looked over his shoulder at the room one last time, “Settle yourself in Relena,” he said, closing the door firmly behind him and slipping into his own room, locking the door. He had just placed his knee on the frame of the waterbed when Duo rolled over to look at him, arms wide and welcoming. “I heard her voice from the moment you opened the front door,” he explained sleepily, wrapping his arms around the Japanese man, yawning against the shirt. “Always such an annoying voice, but it’s changed, it’s sounds more mature, I just hope it reaches her mind.” “It has,” Heero murmured, gathering a handful of hair and letting it slip through his fingers. “You go back to napping, I can see you’re struggling to stay awake. I’m going to go start dinner, alright.” Duo nodded and Heero pressed a light kiss to the warm forehead, letting the other settle down again before moving away. He ran into Relena in the hall, who was smiling somewhat smugly, before turning and moving towards the kitchen, checking her watch. “It’s about dinnertime, Heero, do you need any help?” “That would be nice of you, Relena,” Heero answered, smiling slightly as he pushed the door to the kitchen open.
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