The Most Bittersweet Gift - Chapter 8	Home - Review - Previous - Next
Moments later Heero emerged from the kitchen with two plates, and instructions from Relena to cheer him up. To his surprise he didn’t have to force-feed Duo to get him to eat, although had scowled with uncharacteristic distaste at having Heero interrupt. Heero didn’t allow this to detract from his best efforts at cheering up the cool, distant ex-pilot. He had now been trying for the past several minutes to draw Duo into some form of communication and it wasn’t going as he had anticipated and hushed up, mind wandering. Glancing around the room Heero’s eyes settled onto the stereo, and with a twitch of a smile he stood and made his way over, flipped it on to the soft, easy music he was used to listening to for relaxation, slow songs. Going back over to Duo he pulled the other to his feet, setting the notebook aside and ignoring the confused face, as well as the glare he received for the troubles. He pushed the couch back, then the coffee table, before holding out his hand to Duo. “Dance with me.” Duo rolled his eyes, “Come on Heero, you’re being ridiculous. If you want to dance with someone Relena…” “I want to dance with you, not Relena,” Heero said, pulling Duo against him. Duo sighed and pushed back, only to find himself in the steel embrace Heero usually adopted when he wanted something, and so without much choice Duo found himself caught up in the movements of the slow song, Heero’s arms about his waist, so he threaded his own arms around Heero’s neck and clasped them at the nape. He moved for a moment silently, and then looked up at Heero. “Why are you doing this?” “Why not? Just a couple more songs, then I’ll let you go back to your gloom and doom and pouting.” Duo smirked, a real smile, even if it was a smirk, and then let his face fall into the natural countenance he usually didn’t allow to show. Leaning in he rested his body against Heero’s, head tucked easily under Heero’s chin, and fell into step as Heero rested his cheek atop the head. “Your beautiful,” he whispered, smoothing a hand up the back and releasing the hair, letting his fingers fan it out along the shoulders. Duo for once didn’t protest, only murmured a, “So are you.” Neither realized that one song slowly turned into two, two into four, four into eight, until the hours passed and they broke apart for a contented sleep somewhere near 11 at night, only to draw back together once in slumber for the still orchestra of the night to play. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Journal Entry 11 Sometimes I just wish I could die, I wish that I would drop over right there and not have to think, not have to feel, not have to function, not have to lie. NO-NO-NO-NO!!!! I am not lying…I am not lying…I am not lying…why do my words lack conviction now? They never did before, never, throughout all my years of telling myself I’m not lying, I’m only surviving, only making others feel better…why now? Living on the streets I had to lie to myself, I did it all the time, only it wasn’t a lie. It was hiding. I could hide, right. I’m Duo Maxwell. I run, I hide, but I never lie. Yep, that’s me in a nutshell. (God, not ten days ago I would have looked at that simple little phrase and my imagination would have supplied a darling little picture of me in a nutshell, pressing against the sides, trying to get out. Nope, not anymore. This time the word nutshell makes me think of wood, and thinking of wood makes me think of a coffin, and thinking of coffins…yep, you got it. I see myself lying in a coffin, dressed in some ridiculous outfit that Quatre picked out for me, no doubt. And what is there about me, as my coffin sits, neglected, gathering dust…nothing. Where are all my friends, why are they not here, what’s happened that no one came to see me off, why have I been abandoned…again?) Oh, enough of that, where was I? Oh yeah, not lying. And you know what, it’s not lying, it’s hiding. The truth is in there, yes, but you obviously don’t want it hard enough. Why face the truth when the truth is I’m terrified and I’m alone? I’m so hungry my stomach and mind stop wanting the food, accepting I won’t be getting it? When I get it I can’t eat it, it makes me sick to my stomach, but I have to? Why face the truth when the only people who have ever seemed to really want me die, because of me, because I’m Shinigami and I can’t keep anyone alive, not even my dearest and only friend? Solo, I failed you, I know I have, and I hope you can forgive me? You promised me, do you remember that? You promised as long as I was Duo, we would always be together. Have you kept it…Have I? I don’t even know anymore. Oh god, but I miss you, I really do. I have others, I have tentative friends, I have friends who have proved time and time again they will always be there, I have…Heero. I have Heero. I really have him, I have him, he’s mine, MINE. And it’s not a cruel thought I’m torturing myself with, it’s not a dream in the middle of the night where you vanish as soon as I whisper your name, it’s not a ghost, or an illusion, or a hallucination. You are there, flesh and blood, in my arms, in my heart. Sweet whispers of midnight silk, ye gods, how have I, a mere mortal, claimed your fallen angel? We all wear masks…unfortunately I can no longer hide behind it. It’s cracking, there is imperfection, there is a flaw. Mask or not, I’m still good at hiding. You don’t see how my hands shake, do you? You don’t see the pain as I move? I must be doing something right…right? I write, that’s about all I do now, not in this ratty, tatty old thing, which has been to hell and back along with me. No, I wrote in all those wonderful notebooks that Heero got me, and there is a never-ending supply of them, or pens, pens of all colors of the rainbows. How in gods name does one write with a yellow pen? I don’t know, but I have one, hell, I have three, they looked so cheerful. And red and blue and green and orange and white (white!) and gold and silver and violet…and Prussian blue. That’s my favorite, I’m saving it to write in here, I don’t care my hand writing is so sloppy only I can read it, who else would read it anyone? But as I was saying, I write, in those notebooks, filling them up with the pens and markers and colored pencils you bought me. You never knew that, did you? I love to write, I love to draw, and I think I’m pretty good. You do so too, you never say it, but I can see it as you look over my shoulder or let me prop myself up on your back as you read a book, or let me settle my head in your lap as I review something I’ve done. It hurts to write now too, using things like pens or pencils, not colored pencils, but regular pencils, but it’s not as often. I keep my fingers loose by typing…on his laptop no less. He didn’t even bat an eye when I asked if I might be able to sue it occasionally. He handed it over, as well as a pile of disks, and told me, it’s all yours. I think it was worth it to you, to see the looks on my and Relena’s face. She almost died of laughter, I started laughing, and then you joined in, unable to keep it back. And you know what, damn-it; I think that psycho-bitch has somehow wormed her way into my mind, and perhaps even a small portion of my heart. After all, she’s only really guilty of one thi…no, I have to admit it, she’s guilty of two things. One, her biggest one, was falling hopelessly for MY Heero, but that’s corrected now, and she has seen her mistake. The other one, which really isn’t so teeny, tiny compared to the first since she was excused from it, is the girl, er—woman, is a complete and total TWIT!! I mean, come on, when I first met her I saved her life and then she stopped me from shooting the person trying to kill her (THANK GOD). I give her a gazillion of points for that little thing, and I’ll also give her a couple for the insanity measure (she’s gotta have a screw loose somewhere upstairs, ne?) and a couple more for the style. Not my thing, jumping in front of the God of Death to save someone…who was trying to kill you I might add…but hey, it was original. Duo Maxwell—Shinigami ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ * * * * * “Duo, are you alright?” Relena asked softly, watching discreetly from the doorway as the once careless boy settled himself with the utmost care onto the bench’s cushion he was angling for. Within minutes he had spread open a notebook, the kind without lines to Duo’s delight. Hell, she’d even received a hug when Heero brought that home. Of course, Duo didn’t hear her, he wasn’t meant to. He was too busy watching as Heero pulled weeds from the garden, notebook forgotten, the only thing obstructing his view was the screen on the patio where he had settled. Duo looked so wistful now, like there were a million things he had wanted to do and none of them were in reach anymore…and sadly, it was quite true. She now knew this Duo Maxwell, and by god, if there was anything she could of done to keep this mystery alive, even if for only a day longer, then she would have done it. Already her stay had extended an extra day, and seemed to be moving to that extra one again. No one said anything, and she wasn’t ready to leave. She might have been a good friend to Duo, if there hadn’t been a demigod in the way. That wasn’t there any longer, but the rift between them still existed. Duo leaned forward a bit to see what Heero was doing, Heero looked up, smiled tenderly, and Relena lifted the camera she had bought two days ago. Snapshots frozen in time, Heero would treasure them some day. She wanted to gather the other pilots, but Wufei was away on some remote colony somewhere making sure some terrorist wasn’t making good on claims to have enough arms to blow the entire universe apart. Doubtful, but one still had to check. He was on his way back, but he would be here in a week, Duo only had three days left. He knew it, she knew it, Quatre had told her that’s what the doctor had predicted so he and Trowa knew it. Perhaps Wufei knew it. Heero didn’t know it; at least she didn’t think so. He didn’t act like he did, but he could have, he was funny that way. Duo was funny that way as well, they deserved each other. Duo certainly knew it, he had to, it was his body that was dying, it was his body failing. Another thing that Relena noticed was the hair, the hair was getting thinner and thinner everyday. There were wisps of it here, wisps of it there, he didn’t seem to notice. “Hey guys,” Relena called, opening the glass sliding door. “I thought you might want something to drink…and a snack. I have fudge brownies.” Duo immediately perked up, but looked to Heero for permission first. Heero looked cross, then sighed and came in, nodding his head at Duo as he passed to wash his hands in the kitchen sink. Coming back out he found Relena holding back the brownie until Duo took his pills, which presented a funny scene really. Duo relented, but only after Heero took his brownie and raised a suggestive eyebrow. Whatever the meaning Duo gave his full attention to Heero and popped back both pills with a swallow of chilled milk. Whatever he meant to say was cut off as Heero broke off a bit of the fudge brownie and fed it to Duo’s mouth. Relena made a tactical retreat to the kitchen, and her camera. * * * * * “Lena, what’s this?” Heero asked, holding up the fully automatic camera that had been hastily placed in a kitchen drawer. Relena bit her lip and tried to remember if the film was new or if she still had one picture left to take. The film was new. “Camera, obviously, what’s it look like. I though it might be nice to have around the place, you never know,” Relena explained, political poker face intact. Heero studied it, turning it over, checking the view, the zoom, the lens, the picture size option, the lightless flash, and then he smiled. “I like this, where did you get it?” Relena sat a little easier in the chair, “If you really like it, you can have. I’ll pick myself up another one; the film in it hasn’t been used.” Not even protesting, it was the Perfect Soldier style, Heero nodded and lifted the camera up to look through it. “Everything is so beautiful through the camera lens,” he explained, snapping several pictures of things just in the kitchen, common ordinary things. “I’ve always been fascinated by cameras, that one instant in time that you catch someone’s soul, catch something’s beauty.” Relena nodded silently and he passed thanks over his shoulder and left carrying the camera, mumbling something about Duo being asleep in the bathtub.
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