Shatter My Soul	Home - Previous- Next
Sirius Black threw the Daily Prophet down onto the motel’s unsteady table and lifted the water to his lips, ignoring the front page picture of himself trying to edge away from the reporters, eyes down. The headline screamed Black Innocent, Freed! He hadn’t looked at the article but he was sure all the grisly details were there, all the worst moments of his life highlighted quite nicely for the rest of the wizarding world to see and judge and gossip about as if it wasn’t a life destroyed. Pushing himself from the chair he passed by the dark television, not sparing it a glance, and disappeared into the bathroom. He stared into the muggle mirror, relieved it wasn’t muttering suggestions at him. He looked better, less gaunt, less pale, not quite the old Sirius Black but he doubted he would ever return to being that man. Tearing his eyes away from the mirror he scanned the small bathroom, searching for anything he might leave behind, and found nothing. He flicked off the light, pausing to stare at the switch for a moment as if he’d never seen anything like it before, then shook off the stupor and went back into the main room. The silence was deafening, oppressive; he felt he would drown in it. There was an old muggle radio by the bed and he twisted the dial half curious, half desperate. He recognized the music style after a moment of listening, having been hiding in the muggle world long enough to be familiar with these things, and he decided that this “country” stuff would be just as fine as the next thing. Perhaps even fitting of his mood. Hardly mattered, he didn’t care, certainly didn’t have time to waste playing around with the ancient thing looking for something that wouldn’t irritate him. A worn bag sat on the rumpled sheets of the Queen sized bed and beside it several folded robes, though he doubted he’d need those any time soon, and some muggle clothes he’d picked up the past few weeks to fit in. He had to leave. He didn’t know where he would go but he had to escape, to get away, before he went mad. Whatever had been playing ended and the person who played the music came on, jarring Sirius from his contemplation. He listened for a moment to the soothing, lilting voice, the words running over him unheard, then turned his energy back to the task of folding and placing neatly in the bag. His fingers brushed his wand. The next song began and something about it, the almost resigned sadness, the very feel, caught Sirius’s attention. He paused in his movements, frowning. I’ve dealt with my ghosts… And I’ve faced all my demons… Finally content with the past I regret… I’ve found you find strength in your… Moments of weakness… For once I’m at peace with myself… I’ve been burdened with blame… Trapped in the past for too long… A wry smile touched Sirius’s lips as he listened. Appropriate, he decided at last. Bloody fitting. “Where are you going?” Sirius turned, hand sinking into the clothes packed looking to connect with the solid weight of his wand, but the voice, the presence, the sight of the person standing in the doorway stilled his entire person. “How did you find me?” Sirius whispered in a ragged voice. “Are you running away?” He turned back to his bag slowly, smoothing down the clothing he had thrown out of order. “No.” “Then what are you doing?” The words of the song rose again, wrapping around Sirius and taking him mercifully away from the moment, from Remus, from the questions and inevitable answers. They’ll never allow me to change… But I never dreamed home would end up… Where I don’t belong… I’m moving on… Yes, Sirius thought. “I’m moving on, Remus.” “Bullshit. You’re running away. What about Harry, what are you going to do about him?” “I’ve talked to Harry already. He understands that I need time to myself.” “For how long?” “I don’t know.” “Where are you going?” “I don’t know. Anywhere but here.” “Here being?” “Here!” Sirius turned, eyes flashing with emotion, swinging an arm out in a wide motion around the room. “Here, Remus. Anywhere but here, where I am. Anywhere but where I’m known, where I’m Sirius Black, where whispers follow my every move, where the names Lily and James and Peter can’t be the names of faceless strangers.” “When will you come home?” “I don’t have a home.” Silence fell, the music the only sound beyond their breathing, one’s unsteady and the other’s almost too even. I’ve loved like I should… But lived like I shouldn’t… I had to lose everything to find out… Maybe forgiveness will find me… Somewhere down this road… Remus moved suddenly, closing the distance between them and knocking the radio from the table with a silent growl, sending it flying across the room and into the dresser, where it broke into pieces. Neither of them noticed. “What about me?” “What about you?” “You were going to skulk away in the dead of the night and not tell me. You were going to let me find out from someone else that you’d gone. You told Harry. Don’t I deserve the same?” Sirius had nothing to say to those words. He let his eyes fall away from Remus’s face, unable to meet those accusing eyes. Instead he took in Remus’s state, the way the muggle clothes he wore seemed to hang from his thin frame, the paleness of his skin, the age and wear that flooded from his very being. Sirius felt a pang of guilt, and with it came a touch of surprise. He was so numb, so shocked, he had thought himself incapable of such a feeling. “Weren’t you?” “No…” “So you were going to come see me?” “No…” “Make up your fucking mind, Sirius.” The shock of hearing those quiet words from quiet, cultured Remus brought Sirius’s head back up. “What about me?” Remus asked again, more softly this time, a sadness behind it that made Sirius ache. But still, Sirius had worked up the resolve to walk away. He turned back to the bag and began to pack again. “I’ll owl you.” “You want me to let you go?” “There really isn’t any letting go or not. We’ve been apart for years now, Remus. No use digging up the past.” “You mean to honestly tell me you don’t feel it?” Remus whispered after a moment, anger drained away, replaced with infinite sadness and despair. Sirius didn’t have to turn to know Remus had gone pale, that his hands would be trembling, his mouth drawn, those beautiful eyes shadowed with fear. “Feel what?” Another silence this time unfilled by the radio. Finally Remus spoke, voice still husky with emotion, but there was firmness behind his words, a finality that made it hard for Sirius to breathe. “I can’t exist in this limbo of insecurity, this vulnerability, this not knowing. It’s tearing me apart. I’m willing to let you go, to lie to myself, to hurt myself for you, but the wolf won’t. Do you understand…Padfoot?” Just a word, a nickname, but it held the same power as a physical blow. Sirius bent over his bag, hands flat on the bed, fingers curling into the faded bedspread, shaking with emotion so strong it made it hard for him to breathe, to think, to do anything but turn around and bury himself in strong familiar arms, to breathe in a scent that haunted him, to feel hot breath and hotter hands on his skin, to know that it was okay, it would be okay, he was home, he was complete, he was… he simply was. Remus didn’t touch him but all the same Sirius could feel him standing behind him as if he were pressed body to body, skin to skin. “You have to let me go,” Sirius whispered raggedly. “Why?” “Because I can’t take it anymore!” Sirius turned and looked up at Remus, eyes begging for the wolf to understand. “I can’t.” Remus’s eyes darkened and there was the hint of lush forests, playing under the moonlight, the smell of the earth on the wind, the feel of warm fur and cold, wet noses and the freedom of running on four legs in them. “I’ve tried to let you go for 12 years, Sirius. It never worked. The full moon would come; the wolf would tear the truth from me, make me see the lies I had been trying to live. You were there in everything, in every moment, as a memory, a scent, a word, a laugh. I would forget you were gone, that’s how strongly I’m bound to you. I would see something you’d like and think to myself I’d have to tell you about it, and then I would realize you were gone, had been gone for years, that I’d never see you, touch you, taste you, know you again. I had to relive every day as if it were just happening, you being ripped from my life. “You want to talk about not being able to take it anymore? I’ve stories of my own; so don’t hide behind your past, your pain. You would be preaching to the preacher.” “Remus…” “I knew, I knew in my heart, I knew in my soul you were innocent. And you know what? If you weren’t, I didn’t care. If you’d killed Peter, killed James, killed Lily, I would still love you, still welcome you to me with open arms. That’s what I’m supposed to do, you’re my mate, my other half, you’re my reason for living. I’d journey to the depths of hell for you; I have journeyed to the depths of hell for you. And I waited there. “I waited every day after that night in the shack, waiting for you, and then you showed up on business, and you barely spared me a glance, barely said a word you didn’t have to say, and I accepted it. You left, I waited. I waited to hear from you, and I never did, and I accepted it. They caught Peter, you were declared innocent, the war ended, and I waited, because I was sure everything was good now, you were free and we were all safe, and I never heard from you. I-can’t-accept-it-anymore. “So I came to you.” Sirius sank down on the bed, legs no longer able to support him, and buried his face in his hands, torn and confused, afraid and wanting. “I’m… I’m searching for something to fill this void inside me…” Remus silently moved up to the other man and touched his dark hair lightly, fingers sinking into the surprising softness with old familiarity. The answer came with the touch, with the connection, and Sirius lifted his head slowly to look up at the person before him, eyes asking what he could not. With infinite tenderness Remus tilted the dark head up and bent to kiss those soft lips, a brush, a taste, a sigh, and Sirius drew back, sinking to his knees on the carpet, arms around Remus’s waist, face hidden against his stomach. “Can you ever forgive me?” “I’ve already forgiven you. Now you need to forgive yourself.” Sirius let out a soft sob, of relief, of pain, and Remus slowly dropped down to wrap his arms around Sirius, to pull the broken man into his arms, to simply rock him as his defenses crumbled, as the walls that had kept him alive these long years turned to dust. It hurt Remus, deeply, terribly, to see his lover’s, his love’s, his mate’s world shatter, but they would build a new one together.
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