The New Priest

Another anonymous story I found while digging through my closet and decided to remake to Gundam Wing! Again, anything written in silver is by the original author, and the purple is what I changed/added. ^_^ Oh, and thanks for the special appearences by my church and my Priest! (Yes I'm Catholic - shocking, ne? And, no, my Priest doesn't actually drink vodka - he's too tight-assed.) ~ Katara

Seeing as that all the wars were over and picking up other people's scraps had lost its appeal, Duo questioned what to do with his life. One night, he stayed up late into . . . well, the night debating his options. As a committee of one, he came to a series of decisions. At about the eighth cup of coffee, he really had to pee. After dealing with that, he decided to return to his roots and become a Catholic priest.

Well, he went through seminary and was ordained in record time. Never mind the fact that he had killed lots and lots of people, didn't believe in God, and called himself the God of Death. Anyway, he got a job in a little church called St. Thomas Moore. His first mass, he was so nervous he could barely speak. After all, he wasn't exactly used to preaching about peace and loving one's neighbor. So, before the next Sunday, he asked Father Jim how he could relax. Father Jim said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday Duo put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from Father Jim:

Dear Father Maxwell,

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub- dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
6. We do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and de Boys".
7. David slew Goliath, he did not "kick the shit out of him".
8. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he did not pass water.
9. We don't refer to Judas as "El Finko".
10. The Pope is consecrated, not castrated, and we don't refer to him as "the Godfather".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me".
12. Paul was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not "stoned off his ass".
13. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".
14. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry".
15. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

THE END

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