Making Love to Death (Part 10)
Jana
Saturday evening found the three pilots still shaken from Heero's
letter. And while Duo hadn't left the confines of his room since this
afternoon and while the others were very concerned, no one dared
disturb him. It was probably best he was alone, giving him time to
process the information Heero had presented in the letter, and most
likely, the others imagined, blow off the stem said letter had caused.
Trowa jumped up, hearing the thunderingly loud crashing sound coming
from somewhere above their heads. "WHAT WAS THAT ?!?" he asked, the
question's rhetorical intention understood, as the three quickly made
there way upstairs, pausing outside of Duo's room.
Another crash......followed by two loud thuds.
Quatre tapped lightly on the door. "Duo, is everything okay in there
?"
Hearing no response, he knocked more firmly on the door "Duo, what are
you doing in there, wrecking the joint ?" Quatre inquired,
semi-seriously.
"As a matter of fact I am, Quatre !" Duo yelled back, something heavy
now partially shattering the wooden door they were standing in front
of.
"Duo, stop it and open the damn door right now !!" Quatre demanded,
his voice as stern as Trowa had ever heard it.
Another noise, this time it sounded like broken glass.
Quatre pounded his fist against the door "DUO !!!!" he screamed "CUT
THE SHIT AND OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR !!!!"
The noise stopped.
Several minutes later, Duo opened the door and made his way across the
room.
Quatre peeked his head inside and ignoring the mess, made his way
through the rubble to where Duo sat on the edge of the bed.
"Duo, what the hell are you doing ? Look at this place !!" Quatre
continued, his tone cross.
Duo looked up to Quatre, his emotionless face was smeared with blood.
Raising his arms up slightly to meet Quatre's gaze, Duo simply rotated
his arms outwardly, offering Quatre the view of his very bloodied
wrists, the red liquid still gushing from the long horizontal slits.
"SHIT !" Quatre yelled to Trowa and Wufei, still waiting in the
hallway. "SOMEBODY....HELP.....PLEASE !!!!" his voice filled with
panic "QUICK !! CALL AN AMBULANCE ! DUO SLASHED HIS WRISTS."
*****************
Quatre ran from the room to summon the ambulance, Wufei wasting no
time wrapping Duo's wrists tightly in an attempt to stop the bleeding.
Trowa looked down at the barely conscious, very pale Duo lying on the
bed "He's lost so much blood." Trowa leaned over and putting his hand
on Duo's neck, felt for his pulse. "It's weak, but it's still there."
he told Wufei.
"The ambulance will be here any minute." Quatre announced. "How is he
?"
"He has a pulse and he's breathing." Trowa answered
"Why didn't we see this coming ??!?! Why weren't we here to stop him
?!?" Quatre wondered aloud, his voice angry with himself and the
others.
****************
Wufei sat at Duo's bedside, as he had done a countless number of times
before, though not too often in recent months. The five had all had
their fair share of serious injuries and this scenario was sadly
familiar, but this time it was different. It wasn't the war that had
caused this near loss of precious life.
Wufei watched the large bag of red liquid hanging high above Duo's
head. Its contents dripping life slowly back into Duo's pale form.
The intravenous was taped to the back of Duo's left hand, almost
overshadowing the white bandage that was still wrapped tightly around
his limp wrist.
Quatre and Trowa entered the large private room, immediately joining
Wufei at Duo's side. Quatre looking uncomfortably down at the
restraints that surrounded Duo's arms and legs, binding him tightly to
the bed.
"What did the Doctor say, Wufei ?" Trowa asked
"He's gonna be just fine." Wufei told the two concerned faces "Lost a
lot of blood, almost half from what they can tell." Wufei frowned.
"Is he going to wake up soon ?" Quatre asked.
Wufei responded "Not likely, Quatre. He's been pretty heavily
sedated." glancing over at Duo's almost peaceful sleep.
The three sat quietly in the large room for some time, before
eventually falling asleep in their respective chairs. It was now 3 AM
and knowing Duo was safe from harm, they allowed themselves to rest.
*********
Heero was quite pleased with the way things were going on L1.
Although it had only been a day, he found himself successfully
distracted, Duo only crossing his mind twice, each time the pleasant
memory making the boy smile.
Lying on the small cot in his cramped room, Heero noted the vast
difference from his lifestyle of just over 24 hours ago. He found his
current situation to be oddly comforting, as he recalled that most of
his short life had been spent in places such as this.
The rooms in the complex were dimly lit and furnishings were scarce
and then, only functional at best. The cold steel walls found
throughout out most of the building Heero would now be living and
working in gave off an almost sterile feeling. Heero found the
surroundings acceptable for his re-training and recovery.
Reaching that delirious, semi-conscious state shortly after rolling
over on his side, Heero fell asleep, his eyelids twitching, an
indication of the REM sleep he had quickly attained.
Now unable to control his thoughts, the nearly perfect soldier lay
draped over the chest of his naked lover, his hands tracing the
outline of Duo's sensuous lips as he gazed into the loving violet eyes
that were locked onto his own. Duo's hand was caressing his upper
back, the light touch almost tickling him. Bringing himself to up to
rest on his elbows, Heero nuzzled his body closer to Duo's, firmly
pressing his once again semi-hard erection against the soft skin of
Duo's outer thigh. Heero's hand reached out to push the loose strands
of hair out of Duo's face, then running his hand over the top of Duo's
head, his fingers delighting in dancing through the chestnut silk.
Continuing his journey down the back of Duo's head, Heero fingers
intent on removing the red elastic band that held his lovers hair
captive, denying Heero the exquisite vision of Duo's unbound hair. His
hand gently touching the........smooth skin on the back of Duo's neck
?
Heero woke with a start, sitting up in his bed, knowing he had been
frightened by something, or the *lack* of something, yet unable to
remember what it was.
********
Trowa was the first to wake, several few hours later, to find Duo
still resting serenely in the bed across the room. Duo looked much
better than he had hours before. A light blush on his high cheeks now
replaced his former pallid color. Trowa noted the large bag of plasma
hanging over the headboard had been recently renewed, as this one was
nearly full.
Walking across the room to stand by his friend's side, Trowa wondered
what thoughts went through Duo's mind before he.....Trowa stopped, he
could barely bring himself to think about what Duo had done. Duo fell
unconscious shortly after Quatre entered the room and there were no
words spoken between the two. Trowa knew that it had something to do
with Heero's disappearance and the painful letter, but didn't quite
understand the connection, as it was Duo who had ended their
relationship.
Looking down at Duo's bandaged wrists, small crimson areas spotting
the white cotton, Trowa couldn't imagine anyone feeling so
desperate.....so hopeless.....so grief stricken...or so whatever
emotion Duo was feeling, to take their own life. It was beyond his
comprehension.
Stirring slightly in the bed, Duo opened his eyes to see Trowa
standing a few feet away.
Trying to lift his hand, and feeling the restraints, Duo let out a low
groan of displeasure.
"Duo, You're awake." Trowa commented making his way over to the bed.
"And alive too, so it seems." Duo responded, sounding disappointed at
the realization, his eyes closing again, his mouth forming a small
frown.
The voices woke Quatre and Wufei, who still seated, listened to the
exchange through their half-sleepy haze.
"How do you feel Duo, you lost an awful lot of blood ?" Trowa
continued, ignoring Duo's former statement.
Duo looked up at the emerald-eyed pilot, whose face was soft with
great concern and slowly spoke "Actually, Trowa..... I'm feeling like
a bit of a failure." he hesitated slightly, then continued "I can't
even commit suicide right." The last few words causing his Duo's eyes
to well up with tears, and closing them, Duo turned his gaze from
Trowa.
**********
Heero started his new morning routine on this, his second day on L1.
Stretching lazily, he quickly dressed and made his way to the bathroom
down the hall. Returning several minutes later, Heero folded his cot
and pushing it to the side of the room, laid on the floor and began
doing sit-ups. Feeling the muscles in his abdomen strain , Heero knew
he had a long way to go in order to regain his former strength, the
balance of his exercise regimen serving to further prove his point.
**********
Duo was a most uncooperative patient under the best of circumstances.
This however was more kin to the worst of circumstances, as Duo was
being forcefully detained for psychiatric evaluation.
Duo sat on the hard wooden chair, his dignity barely in tact, as he
pulled the short hospital gown down over his exposed thighs. He could
feel a cool breeze on his back, the small bows gracing the back of the
gown offering little cover.
"Do you know why you are here, Duo ?" The doctor asked, eyeing Duo
carefully from the other side of the room.
"Yes, I believe I do." he answered smugly, holding up his still
bandaged wrists, pushing them forward toward the doctor.
"Do you think taking your own life is the solution to anything ?" The
large man asked, adjusting his wire rimmed glasses so that they came
to rest further down on the bridge of his nose.
"It would have been the *perfect* solution had I succeeded !" Duo
hissed "But since I didn't, my keen hindsight tells me otherwise."
"Duo, I have your medical records here in front of me." The doctor
calmly stated, his hand gesturing to the thick manilla folder on the
table in front of him.
Duo stood, crossing the room slowly and placed his hands on the table,
lowering his body so that he was eye to eye, his face only inches from
the very cautious doctor. "Good, then you already know I'm a psychotic
fucker. This oughtta speed things along nicely." Then bringing his
hand to his hips, his eyes meeting those of the slightly stunned
doctor, he added "If you have no further questions, I'd very much like
to go home".
**********
"Duo" Quatre began, "If you ever plan on getting out of here, you're
going to have to cooperate with the doctors."
Duo sat on the edge of his bed, staring out the barred window. "It's
been almost two weeks, Quatre, this place is driving me crazy." Duo
told his friend.
"They just want to make sure you won't try to harm yourself again."
Quatre told him
Wufei added "You need to cooperate with the staff, Duo, they are just
trying to help you."
"HELP ME !??!" Duo screamed, then laughed almost
maniacally........"Help me !! That's such a load of shit, Wufei and
you know it dammit ! They are just trying to cover their asses here."
Duos' voice was filled with vemon.
"Duo..." Trowa began
Duo cut him off "Look….believe me Wufei, they don't want to get inside
my head.....Oh, they *think* they do, but that's only because they've
never been to Hell."
Duo continued "I saw the doctor again today. Did you know they have
my whole fucking medical history down there ? HUH ?!?!" Duo shouted,
his finger pointing down the hall. "That's' right gentlemen !" Duo
continued noting the looks on the pilots faces, "The entire, short,
but very fucked up life of Duo Maxwell in one convenient Goddamn
folder !!"
Duo stood and walked over to the window, his eyes falling to the
ground.
The three pilots remaining quietly seated, as Duo continued his very
painful silent thoughts.
"Duo" Trowa said, breaking the long, uncomfortable silence, "The past
three years have been good ones for you, Duo, you've been
stable.....more then stable. They just need to know what is going on
now.....why you did this to yourself ?"
"And if I don't want to tell them ? Duo questioned, already knowing
the answer.
"Just give them something to go on, Duo, perhaps they will accept that
for now. At least it will give them a clue to work with." Wufei told
him
Duo sighed, knowing his friend's advice was possibly the only chance
he stood of ever being released.
********
Doctor J had noticed a remarkable change is Heero's attitude over the
past two weeks. The no longer solemn boy having thrown himself into
his new life without reservation appeared to be an altogether
different person, more resembling the Heero that had left for Earth
nearly two years ago.
Doctor J was pleased by the transformation and by the fact that Heero
had asked him to allow his return. Doctor J's curiosity about Heero's
sudden desire to return was something he wanted to discuss with Heero,
but felt uncomfortable doing up until now.
Summoning Heero to his small office at lunchtime, Doctor J questioned
Heero about his time on Earth and his recent request to return to L1.
His motives went beyond curiosity, as Doctor J had practically raised
Heero, not as a son, but as a trained assassin. The boy who had
returned over two weeks ago bore no such resemblance.
*********
Three weeks to the day after the nightmarish incident, Duo returned
home. While he wasn't his usual bubbly self, he seemed to have
resolved enough of his still mysterious issues, to go about his normal
routine. The pilots had arranged to take the next six weeks off of
school to be with Duo. Rashid picked up their schoolwork weekly, so
they wouldn't fall behind, delaying their much-anticipated graduation.
Never having pried into Duo's personal affairs, the cause of his angst
and suicide attempt remaining an unknown, the other three pilots kept
a watchful eye on Duo, though they didn't know quite what they were
watching for.
It was Duo himself, over the upcoming weeks, which gave the three
boys, the pieces they needed to start putting the puzzle together.
Whether it was intentional or not, no one could say for certain,
except for Duo, and no one dared ask.
*********
Despite his outright refusal at first, Duo had eventually agreed to
let Wufei share his room, realizing that his friends were just doing
what they felt was best for him. The double bed was removed and two
smaller twin beds were brought in to replace it. Duo frowned slightly
as the mattress was removed from its box spring, running his hand
lightly over the now vertical surface, as it lay against the wall,
awaiting it's removal.
Sharing a room with anyone, let alone Duo, was an eye opening
experience for Wufei. He had always been fortunate having his own
room, even before the other pilots eventually paired off. Looking
back, he imagined that his silent and anti-social behavior probably
had something to do with the sleeping arrangements. He was pleased to
note that he grown considerably less antagonistic over the past two
years.
While Wufei was pleased that Duo didn't snore, he was slightly less
pleased when, on the third night of their current rooming arrangement,
Duo started talking in his sleep. Startled into consciousness by the
constant stream of sounds, Wufei sat up and turned his attention to
Duo, who was fidgeting in his bed, his mouth going a mile a minute.
While Wufei wasn't able to make out anything Duo was saying, the noise
was disturbing his precious sleep. Turning over onto his back, he
buried his face into the mattress and covered his head with the
pillow, applying enough pressure to the softness surrounding his ears
to drown our Duo's voice.
Wufei confronted him the following morning "Duo, Do you always talk in
your sleep ?"
Duo looked slightly embarrassed
"No, not *always" Duo replied happily, then recalling his dream of the
previous night, his face now turning a less innocent shade of pink, he
continued "Ummm......Did I say anything last night in my sleep that I
need to be embarrassed about, Wu-chan ?"
Wufei shook his head.
Duo wiped the imaginary sweat off his brow and smiled at Wufei.
***********
Heero wasn't sure where Doctor J's line of questions were leading, but
the general direction made him uncomfortable. While he tried to
answer his mentor's questions honestly, he was quick to leave off any
of the details he thought might elude to the idea that Heero had
allowed himself to become involved in the lives of the other pilots.
Knowing Doctor J as well as he did, Heero knew he would then shift his
attention to that area of his time on Earth that Heero was still very
unwilling to discuss.
Finally convincing Doctor J that his return was linked to the peace
that now hung in the balance and his confusion over the unknown turn
his life would now be taking, Heero took leave of Doctor J's office,
wishing his assertion to Doctor J, as complicated and unsettling as it
was, were the truth.
***********
Duo never struck Wufei as the vain type, but Duo's behavior lately
slightly changed his perception.
Standing in the doorway of the bathroom, a small oval container in his
hand, Duo called to Wufei "Hey, Wu ?" and waiting for Wufei to
acknowledge his call, continued "Does it look like I'm wearing makeup
?"
Wufei gave Duo a strange look.
Duo laughed "Not makeup like girl's makeup their face, Wufei, just a
little powder......on my face.....to cover some of the scars...ya know
?" he commented sincerely.
Wufei rose and moved toward Duo to get a better look.
"Looks fine Duo, I can hardly tell." Wufei told him.
A very happy Duo practically skipped his way back into the bathroom
"Thanks !" he called back into the room at Wufei, who had already
returned to his comfy position on his bed.
Several minutes later, a shirtless and very ecstatic Duo bounded into
the room, a pair of overly baggy, long, black denim shorts, replacing
his standard skimpy,
barely-enough-fabric-to-cover-my-cute-little-ass-shorts.
Wufei was already looking up from his book, hearing Duo's less then
peaceful re-entry into the room.
Spinning around none too slowly in a circle in the center of the room,
his arms spread out to his sides, Duo asked the wide-eyed and almost
smiling pilot. "Whadda ya think, Wu ? Like em ?"
Wufei took a moment to consider the boy before him, his eyes falling
over every inch of Duo's thin, yet toned body. His eyes returning
several times to admire Duo's naked upper body, wondering why he had
never appreciated Duo's enticing form in quite this way before. "They
look good on you, Duo." Wufei smiled, his voice now more serious,
adding "Everything looks good on you Duo."
Duo blushed slightly "I bet you say that to all the guys." he winked
Duo once again returning to the bathroom, it hit Wufei that this was
Duo. Granted, it was a Duo that Wufei had never seen before, but Duo
nonetheless. Wufei could hardly stifle his laughter, picturing
Heero's reactions to Duo's apparently routine behavior.
**********
Lying on his small cot, unable to sleep, Heero couldn't stop himself
from thinking about Duo and the others. His lengthy conversation with
Doctor J this afternoon and the concentration required to suppress any
inkling of his once joyous existence, had brought the matter back to
the forefront of his thoughts. It saddened him to recall those happy
years, as he was now forcing them to become a fast fading memory.
The internal battle began as Heero started to realize that all of the
pilots had been trained as he had, though none of them quite as
stringently, to fight without fear of death, to focus on only the
battle until victory was achieved, yet they were all able to separate
from that side of themselves when circumstances permitted. Heero
realized that he had returned to L1, not only because of his inability
to deal with Duo's loss, but because that loss had left him feeling
weak and perhaps a bit vulnerable, his well-taught, but highly
unnatural reflexes focusing on the only thing he had ever known.
He was sure that if he looked deep enough, he would find a Heero that
was able to overcome his Duo-less life. The idea dawning on him
slowly that the very fact that he was having these thoughts was proof
enough, Heero smiled and allowed himself to, without reservation or
guilt, think about the four friends he had left behind.
Wondering which of the Heero's would reign triumphant, Heero finally
drifted off to sleep.
**********
Trowa's undivided attention was now on Duo, who was making his way
into the kitchen singing loudly, the small headphones in his ears
making it impossible for him to know how incredibly loud his voice
was.
Wufei only smiled, shaking his head, very familiar with the antics of
his now month long roommate.
Finally noticing the two at the table, Duo removed the headphones.
"Morning !" Duo said cheerfully.
Trowa noted a subtle, yet very pleasing difference in Duo's
appearance.
"You look great this morning, Duo. Doing something different with
your hair ?" Trowa asked him, unable to put his finger on the change.
"He's wearing makeup" Wufei commented dryly, not looking up from his
book.
Trowa laughed "Are you Duo ?"
Duo play slapped Wufei in the back of his head and sat beside him.
"Actually", his tone now turning quite serious, Duo continued "I am,
Trowa. It's the .....scars....I figured that since
......well......since I don't like seeing them...chances are no one
else wants to see them either."
Lifting up his bangs to show Trowa the rest of his handiwork, the huge
scar on his forehead, less obvious, but still prominent, Duo continued
"The face was the easy part, haven't decided on what how to handle the
rest of me."
Duo stood looking down at his huge shorts and smiling, asked "Like my
new style ? These take care of the broken leg issue !"
He looks quite proud of himself, Trowa noted.
Duo turned to exit the room, then turning back toward the two, looking
down at his upturned wrists "Now....If we could just move to Alaska,
where long sleeves are a year round necessity, I'd be just fine !"
Duo laughed as he exited the room.
It didn't take much for Trowa and Wufei to read between the lines. As
a matter of fact, there were very few lines.........and a WHOLE lotta
spaces........
