There's this secret cave, see, and it's hidden somewhere near the Carlsbad Caverns, see... Ok! Ok, it IS the Carlsbad Caverns, in Seattle, or California or someplace in the United States. It's not so secret, but it IS a cave, and you would NOT expect anyone to be living in a cave in the United States, now would you?

Not unless this cave dweller was Middle Eastern, a devout Muslim, no, a FANATIC Islamic fundamentalist, a former W3 World Heavyweight Champion, and a paranoid freak who thinks people are out to get him.

That's right, it's El Qasr Sahli Casbah, and he lives in a cave with 8 other men. Now you might be thinking that this is one heck of a weird place for a wrestling promo, and you're right. But what would you rather see, a promo about a crazy terrorist wrestler living in a cave, or a promo about a guy getting his luggage at the airport, or a promo about a wrestler eating at McDonald's, or a promo that lasts about an hour and is filled with repetetive male testosterone driven muchismo bullshit by a guy who claims to be from Britain but wouldn't know fish and chips from a Croisandwich?

Yeah, I know your answer, but does El Qasr Sahli Casbah have a surprise for you. See, it pays to be rich in this world, whether your an American idol or an insane suicide bomber. And with money comes all the perks, like getting a bunch of sleazy, money hungry cable executives to film your promo for you and put it on one of the most prevalent pop culture cable channels in history, MTV, as we present to you...

What happens when you put eight Islamic fundamentalist shoe bombers in a house, add cameras, and leave them without toilet paper for a month???

Akbar shown skinning a goat.

Akbar!

Mahmoud shown sweeping dirt out the cave entrance.

Mahmoud!

Abdula washing El Qasr's underwear in dirty water.

Abdula!

Fatwa in a corner praying to Allah.

Fatwa!

Omar cooking a bowl of bonjaan chalow.

Omar!

Dave reading a military survival booklet, then looking surpised by the camera.

Dave!

Babboo washing El Qasr's feet.

Babboo!

El Qasr chewing a corn off of his own toe.

Sahli!

Welcome to the Real World! Carlsbad Caverns!

Hide and Shiek #2:

Real World Carlsbad Caverns

Babboo cleaning the hole in the floor of the cavern that serves as the toilet. There are shit stains all along the side and Babboo is using some muddy water and his own toothbrush to clean it up.

Babboo: This is camel shit! Why do I always get stuck cleaning this crap!? I am his right hand man! I am his man-servant! I should NOT be making this pit of excrement spic and span!

Babboo gets up and kicks a bunch of dirt.

Babboo: I am the Man-Servant of Mammaries! The Side-Kick of Sarcasm! I am the Ed McMahon to his Johnny Carson! I am the Mohammad Nabi Mohammadi to his Mohammad Akbar Akbari. WHY does he continue to treat me like an Afghani nurse mother!? WHY!

Babboo kicks some more dirt and then slams the toothbrush down to the ground, but it falls into the shit hole and dissapears.

Babboo: Ooops! Now I have to buy Fatwa a new toothbrush.

Omar sitting on his prayer rug talking to the camera.

Omar: Just yesterday, he claimed that someone had eaten his Cheetoh's. But those were my Cheetoh's. I came to this country for an education, not to be ridiculed by a big baby like Sahli Casbah. I came to this country to learn how to fly an airplane, to become a pilot, not for this day in and day out undressing by an egomaniac. Hallah!

Abdula is sewing Casbah's pantaloons.

Abdula: Back in my country of Afghanistan, the Taliban were good people. I used to sew three hundred pakols a day for them, and another one hundred chapan. Sometimes I would even throw in a few lungee for them. And for that they WOULDN'T beat me with a bamboo stick and rub salt into my bleeding wounds. The Taliban were ok in my book. But here, I sew Casbah's pantaloons, I wash his underwear, I darn his socks, and I even shine his pointy toed wresling boots, and he STILL beats me with a leather belt, and then makes me parade around in a thong for his amusement. I liked the Taliban a whole lot better then Sahli Casbah.

Sahli Casbah getting his penis washed by Babboo.

El Qasr: You'd think they all grew up in a third world country the way they keep the cave. You'd think they never lived inside a mountain before. Their mothers were all whores for the shieks and caliphs of their respective villages, so they neve--- OOOWWW! Be careful Babboo! You insolent goat whacker!

Is it too much for me to ask that they clean up after themselves, the filthy goat sphincters that they are? Don't they understand the stress that a man such as myself goes through every single day, Allah bless my soul? Just take a look at my day yesterday. Forget the fact that I defeated an American slob like Shawshank. For a martyr of Allah like myself, there is no other outcome possible. And this AFTER being beaten like a Jewish dog in a Palestinian alleyway by that British fop Pete Ebdon! Why did Pete Ebdon attack a muhadjin of Allah? A holy warrior as myself? Was it an early Ramadan gift? Did I forget to return him his copy of the Quran? Did I not say to his wife Sarah when I saw her earlier in the day, "Assalamu alaikum you dirty skank!"? I most assuredly did. So why in the name of the Prophet Mohammad did Pete Ebdon beat me like a bitch? Does Babboo get beaten like I was beaten? No, he certainly does no--- OOOW AGAIN!

El Qasr kicks Babboo in the face.

Cut to a shot of Fatwa praying on his magic carpet.

Fatwa: In Arabic La ilah ha il Allah, Muhammadan Rasul-Allah hallah El Qasr Sahli Casbah shahada zakat hajj! La ilah ha il Allah, Muhammadan Rasul-Allah hallah El Qasr Sahli Casbah shahada zakat hajj! La ilah ha il Allah, Muhammadan Rasul-Allah hallah El Qasr Sahli Casbah shahada zakat hajj! La ilah ha il Allah, Muhammadan Rasul-Allah hallah El Qasr Sahli Casbah shahada zakat hajj!

Cut to Fatwa talking to the camera...

Fatwa: That prayer translated to the English language is "There is no God but Allah" and "Muhammad is His Apostle", but Sahli Casbah made us add the last part, so that the translation is "There is no God but Allah" and "Muhammad is His Apostle and El Qasr Sahli Casbah is cool too". I am a devote Muslim, and this is just too much for a man like myself. I would rather be back on my dirt farm in Afghanistan, raising the chicken and being molested by the Taliban then this.

El Qasr being fanned by Fatwa and Omar with big palm tree fronds.

El Qasr: Faster... faster... FASTER you insolent dolts!!! These rock pickers have to get in the ring with a Satan worshipper like Mike Steele to really appreciate what I do every week. Mike Steele is a perverse little American douche bag with no morals or scruples whatsoever. I am a devout Muslims man. I practice the Salat three times a day while facing the east and Mecca. I do not USE my religion like Mike Steele USES his country against his opponents. I do not smash plate fulls of humus on top of peoples heads. Mike Steele uses his countries flag to attack me, uses the symbol of his country as a weapon against me! Is it any wonder I live in a cave when a man like that is allowed to roam free, attacking me without provocation? Mike Steele is an obvious, errr... how do you say this in your gay friendly country... a closet homosexual? He sends me gifts, then he beats me like I would beat an Afghani woman. Talk about foreplay! Mike Steele is all screwed up. He is like dealing with a rabid desert jerboa. Completely unpredictable. HALLAH!!! Verily, those who disbelieve, like these sheep herders I have to bunk with, it is the same to them whether you O Muhammad Peace be upon him warn them or do not warn them, they will not believe. And surely, they do not believe that when I come home from a hard day at the office, I just want my damn Cheetohs!

Deep within the caverns, near a stalagtite that looks alot like Osama Bin Laden, there is a bonfire. Here is where the roomates all gather to eat their food. Tonight, it is Mahmoud's turn to cook.

Mahmoud: Always, ALWAYS he wants the sheep eyes and the sheep brains and the goat head. WHY?! We are all sick and tired of sheep eyes and sheep brains and goat head! I don't even like sheep eyes, and I know the sheep brains make Babboo sick as a Jew that just paid too much for something. Sheep brains and sheep eye balls and goat head every single Allah damn day! Let me tell you, I was a cook in the Afghani Army when we chased those Russian corksuckers out of our country. I KNOW how to cook. My tabouli will make your eyes water. My Zarda Was Kismish is to die for! Martha Stewart kiss my black ass, I make the best Murgh Shorwaa in the damn world! And of course, who can forget my bolaanee... hits your stomach like a farking daisy cutter! But NOOOOOOOO! He wants his sheep brains, sheep eye balls and goat head. Mother farking corksucker!

Dave is seen shaprening a knife and preparing for something. he has camouflage paint all over his face and a green berret on his head.

Dave: The target is a psychotic suicidal paranoid schizophrenic with megalomaniacal tendencies that make him a prime assasina--- um, what I mean to say is, El Qasr really likes to bust everyones chops around here way too much. We are supposed to be a unit, working together as one, but he's just out for his own self. Back in the 'Nam, when I would run into the VC's down in the rat tunnels, I'd take a kni--- um, I mean, in Afghanistan, I was a humble beet farmer. The Taliban really fucked shit up. But they were cool as long as ya didn't screw with them. But here, Casbah is just a mean ornery goat fucker, and I mean to shove this shank right between his rib ca--- um, I mean, El Qasr Sahli Casbah is the chosen one of Allah, and if Allah and the Prophet Abraham Lincoln say follow this man, well by God, That's what I'm gonna do. So, um, Al Salami and Bacon ya'll. I gotta get back to polishing these here stalagtites.

El Qasr sits on a golden throne in one of the caves. dave is behind him praying to Allah on a rug.

El Qasr: I do not want to have to chase behind these camel felchers, telling them to clean up! This cave is a mess! There are bat droppings blocking the entrance every day, so much that I have to dig myself out every morning! Is it asking to much to take a broom to the guano once in a while? Is it asking too much to tan a few goat skins while I am gone for the day? No, no it is NOT! Allah preserve us!

What have I done to make them all such louts and lazy bastiches? Did I ever use one of them as human shield or someting? Perhaps I should! Just to teach them all a lesson, I should take one of them with me to Germany next week for the Flatline card, and bring one of them to the wrestling ring with me when I take on this person called "The Annihilated" Scotty Carter. Then, use them as a human shield against this Analator person, and watch as they get analized or whatever it is this American does, then after he is done doing his anus thing, I can swoop in like Allah on a flying carpet and slap the "Fuck You America" on him and win the match.

No, no, not even I, the great El Qasr Sahli Casbah, former and soon to be two-time W3 World Heavyweight Champion, would allow a fellow Muslims to be Analated by this Scotty Carter person. HALLAH! It falls upon me AGAIN... sigh... to be the savior, the martyr, and the holy warrior that only I can be, for Allah, and the rest of the Taliban supporters and Islam all across the world.

Scotty Carter, you will not be Analizing anyone on Flatline except for me! Save all your Analizers for El Qasr Sahli Casbah! I am no stranger to Analizing, I can tell you that my friend, I am basically immune to it by now. So no matter how many times you may Analize me, I will get up on my feet and come back for more again, and again, and again!

"Analator" Scotty Carter, you are about to make history, for you will be the next man to fall before Sahli Casbah in my quest to regain my world title belt! I have asked Allah, I have prayed to Muhamed, I have even called Deone Warwick and the psychic friends, and no one can tell me just why it is that I must face you on Flatline next week. You are not worthy of me, you are not in my league, and you are certainly not going to challenge El Qasr Sahli Casbah!

A little later on in the day, the cave is full as everyone has gathered around the smoldering embers to enjoy tonight's gift from Allah...

El Qasr: HMMMMMM!! So good! These are the best sheep's brains I have tasted yet! You certainly out did yourself Omar!

Mahmoud: AAAAAARGH! I HATE this sheep shit! I AM THE ONE WHO COOKED THE SHEEP'S BRAINS!!! NOT OMAR!!! AND I FARKING HATE SHEEP'S BRAINS!!! I HATE IT!!!

El Qasr: HALLAH! Do not act this way at the dinner table you farking corksucker!

Omar: I am with Mahmoud! I hate the sheep's brains!

Babboo: I hate them too! Ptooui! I spit this camel shit out, it is so disgusting! I am sick of sheep brains! Ptooui!

El Qasr: HALLAH! You would disgrace Allah by spitting out the food that he has blessed us with!? You filthy INFIDEL!!!

Abdula: No! NOOOO! I cannot sit back and watch as El Qasr turns this cave into a one man dictatorship!

El Qasr: INFIDELS! INFIDELS!

Akbar: I am with them! I am sick of the degradation and buse Casbah! You may be the "Man from Taliban" but this is the United States and we do not have to take this shit from you anymore! We are all equal in this cave!

El Qasr: INFIDELS! SPIES! TRAITORS!!!

As the Arabs start fighting, or more like ganging up on El Qasr, Dave whips out his knife and starts to sneak behind El Qasr Sahli Casbah.

El Qasr: YOU FARKING BASTICHES! TURN ON ME WILL YOU!? I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO PAYS RENT FOR THIS CAVE!

Babboo: You don't pay rent at all! No one pays rent! Who in the nine hells would pay rent for a cave!?

Dave gets closer to El Qasr with the knife...

El Qasr: TRAITORS! INFIDELS!!!! I CANNOT TRUST ANY OF YOU CORKSUCKERS!!! DAVE! Give me that knife!

El Qasr grabs the knife out of Dave's hand...

El Qasr: I will cut off your sacks and use them as a hackey sack you INFIDELS!!!!

Everyone starts to run around as we fade to a P. Diddy video...

EL QASR SAHLI CASBAH

MTV stands for Muslim Taliban Videos, yes?