What do you get for a third world Muslim dictator who has everything? That is the question Sahli Casbah is asking himself this week as he tours a secret underground weapons and ammunition dealer somewhere on the European coninent. Saddam Hussein is about to enter a war with the United States, and to show his support for the Iraqi's, Sahli is going to buy Mr. Hussein a present.
Shopping for Saddam
El Qasr is standing next to a slezy looking dude as they talk about this massive Apache helicopter.
Salesman: Check this out... leather seats... air conditioning... air to ground missles... rocket launcher... and look at this! Fully equipped onboard computer with functional translator and a full copy of the Quran already downloaded.
El Qasr: Hmmm... you can quote Allah and his holy words of truth and peace while you shoot at the dirty Jews and blow their heads off! Excellent! How much?
Salesman: 1.4 million.
El Qasr: Show me something else, hmmm?
Both men walk a little further into this dark and shadowy complex until they come upon a nasty looking jet fighter.
Salesman: What do ya think of THIS baby!? Saddam lost half his jets in the last Gulf War, I bet he's hankering for as many as he can get!
El Qasr: Silence you fool! Do not mention the Gulf War, or any other war, if it was the Americans that won! Especially when they won it over a Muslims country like Iraq!
Salesman: Ok, sorry...
El Qasr: Yes, you are sorry, sorry like the Americans will be when they attack Iraq again! This time the Americans will be crushed, and do you know why???
Salesman: No idea...
El Qasr: Idiot! It is because I, Sahli Casbah, will lead the Iraqis to victory! Every match I have is broadcast all over the Muslim world, from Afghanistan to Zaire, and all the Mulsims people watch as week after week I destroy one American opponent after another. And it will be no different once this new war begins, but THIS time, Iraq will be inspired every week as I crush one opponent after another. Iraq will grow stronger and stronger, and the Muslims people will come together all over this world, and the Amricans will be thrown out of Iraq with an anthrax tainted army boot right up there asses! HA HA HA! HALLAH!
The salesman and Casbah walk a little deeper into the weapons complex until they come upon a huge tank.
El Qasr: Ah yes! This is what I have been looking for... a TANK! Hallah! Thank God for his insight, for his blessings, and for being a Muslims! This tank will be perfect! This is what I want!
Salesman: I'll start the paperwork.
The salesman splits as Casbah climbs onto the tank and inspects it.
El Qasr: This tank is like a symbol, and a sign. It is first of all, a sign from Allah that I will crush all my opponents before me as I make my way to the top of the W3 once again. Iam undefeatable. My opponents bullets bounce of my steel skin. I fart big clouds of black dust as I roll over my opposition and break their very bones. And my great Muslims penis is like this gun, shooting hot fire into my enemies eyes as I blow them to hell! HALLAH!
El Qasr starts to feel the turret, starts to stroke the gun with his hands. He begins to mount it, sitting with it between his legs and stroking the gun with his hands... until he realizes he is being taped and he jumps off.
El Qasr: How appropriate then, that I face a man who deems to call himself Punisher. How appropriate that I also get to decide the stipulations for this match. Punsher is a renegade, on the run from his American police. What for? I do not know nor do I care. All that I know is that I will fark him like a helpless little goat in the woods, and I will continue my ascendence to the W3 World Championship. I have chosen the match and I have made it known. At Flatline, in Athens, Greece, Casbah and Punisher will face off in a "Desert Death Match". Cactii in both corners, a scorpion sand box on the outside. HALLAH! This is my kind of match. Punisher, you are out of your element and out of your mind if you show up to face the "Turbani-maniac"!
El Qasr opens the big hatch on the top of the tank and peers inside the body. But the heavy hatch door falls on his head and he topples inside the tank. He pops out a few seconds later, fixing his turban and acting like nothing happened.
El Qasr: What is it with these farking Americans? What is it that makes them so stupid, eh? So predictable. HALLAH! Look at this camel scrotum they call "The Punisher". No, do not look at him because you might throw up that sheep's brain sandwhich you had for lunch! Ha ha! He is uglier then a male babboons ass!
The W3 wants to put this man in my path as an obstacle. They see Sahli Casbah has no equal in the W3. They know I willhave that World Title back once again. So they decide to put the most deranged maniac into the ring with me, but they made one big mistake. HALLAH! They do not realize that what makes me so sick and twisted and capable of anything is so much different then what makes The Punisher the intimidating force that he thinks he is.
I am Sahli Casbah, "Man from Taliban", suicide bomber, terrorist, Muslims man, Islamic Fundamentalist, and all-around sick bastiche. I became this way fighting in the streets of Cairo, stabbing men, women, and children in the back with rusty scimitars. I have seen people blown to pieces by nail bombs, have their hands and legs cut off for stealing a crumb of bread! My mother was whipped with a dry strip of camel intestine because she showed too much ankle on the streets of the Gaza Strip! My brother was hung by his feet in Kabul square and had his penis cut off because he liked Micheal Bolton music!!! That is what makes me into the man I am today. What makes The Punisher what he is? Can you tell me!? What makes The Punisher more dispicable then El Qasr Sahli Casbah?! Was it the television you Americans idolize so much? Or did he not have enough money to buy his favorite sneakers when he was a little basiche?! Did the other little American farkers tease him at school because he was a farking corksucker??? Was that it Punsisher? Is that what sent you over the edge and made you into the killing machine that you believe you are in that worm infested head of yours?! HALLAH! Haptoui!
I do NOT think so Punisher! HALLAH! By God's decree I have been summoned here to the W3 to wreak havok and pain upon you American bastiches! I will NOT be stopped by a make-up wearing fool! And I will certainly not be stopped by yet ANOTHER W3 wrestler who believes the fans want to watch him eat airline food while he watches a farking movie!!! Believe you me Punisher, the American fans would rather stick forks in their rectums then watch your lipsticked face and painted toenails sit on an airplane picking sesame seeds out of yours mouth! I am the most hated man in the W3, the most hated man in sports entertainment today! Yet STILL the fans want to watch me, STILL the fans want to see me in the ring, STILL the American corksucker fans scream and shout LOUDER for El Qasr Sahli Casbah then for any other man in this game TODAY!
El Qasr starts to climb down the tank. He jumps from the top of the tank down to the body but catches his groin on one of the mini-sub machine gun turrets. He squeals and grimaces in pain as he clutches his stuffed grape leaves, but quickly recovers.
El Qasr: Punisher! I do not know what kind of MAN you are. Perhaps you are just as sick as I am. But what you farking arseholes don't realize is this... I am El Qasr Sahli Casbah! By divine right, manifest destiny if you will, I will be the next W3 World Champion! I have you right where I want you Punisher, in a match that I devised, in a match that I LIVED for most of my life. Bend over little man and let me stick my pointy toed boot in your heiny, and step up one rung higher on this ladder as I pass you by toward the W3 World Heavyweight Championship... HALLAH!!!
El Qasr tries to jump down from the tank to the floor but hisrobes get caught and he stumbles to the floor out of camera view... fade...
Tanks for the memories... get it? Tanks? Ha ha!