|
The curtain
goes up and Arabic music starts to play! Oh my Muhamed! It's the debut
of...
Babboo's Oasis!
A
group of harem girls come out and do some belly dancing while carrying
the American flag. Then some hip hop music starts to play and the girls
do some N'Sync type dancing or whatever.
They then hit some quasi-techno Middle Eastern acid jazz, and the girls
get funky while setting the American flag on fire!
Babboo
comes out dressed in a 70's style leisure suit with a great big gold chain
around his neck, a Star of David encrusted with diamonds hanging it from
it, as well as a Mercedes hood ornament. The stage is decorated with palm
trees, a big sand dune, and a small herd of dromidary camels...
Babboo:
Hello everybody and welcome to Babboo's Oasis! I am oh so very very happy
to be here! And I can tell by the looks on your faces that you are oh
so very happy to be seeing me too!
Stunned
silence from the crowd.
Babboo:
I know all you American bastiches want to get back to buying and shopping
and wasting your money on meaningless material Possesions, while the rest
of the world starves to death at your door step, all the while your cOuntry
is hated by every single nation in the free world including Canada, while
your corporations destroy the environment and steal your pension funds
dry while you stupid American fools watch Backseat Boyz videos.... SO
LET US GET ON WITH THE SHOW ALREADY!
Today
I have with me--
RING!
Babboo:
Eh?
RING!
Babboo:
What in the name of Wailing Wall is that?
RING!
Babboo:
Holy Babaganoush! It's the red phone everyone!
Babboo
points to a red phone that has been obviously ringing and blinking a flashing
red light the entire time.
Babboo:
I am wondered... who can this be?
Babboo
rushes over to answer the phone while a camel takes out a big hunk of
hay and chews on it.
Babboo:
Hello? I am saying, hello?
Voice
on the phone over a mall speaker: He-- hello? Hello!?
The
sound of bombs exploding and bullets ricocheting off of stuff.
Babboo:
Hello? Who... who in the name of Allah is this on the red phone?
Babboo
looks out at the gathering crowd and shrugs his shoulders in a moment
of terrible acting. Will Shatner would be proud.
Voice:
Hel-- hello? Hello? ACHMATA SHLABAGABABA! Hello!
Babboo:
Hello! Who is this?
Voice:
Babboo! It is I,the greatest one, the enlightened one, Allah's right hand
man!
Babboo:
No.. no, it cannot be!
Voice:
Yes Babboo, it is I...
OSAMA
BIN LADEN!
The
crowd gasps!
Babboo:
Osama Bin Laden! Is that really you!?
A
big picture of Osama comes up on a wide screen behind the stage set. A
sound of outrage is heard through the crowd. Women scream, babies stat
to cry, and some skater kids throw curses and foul profanities at Hacksaw
Jim Duggan because he's preoccupied with the shit on stage. Hacksaw looks
back to see who called him a dickweed. The skater-mallrats laugh.
Osama
Bin Laden: Yes Babboo, it is really I, the "Ayatollah of Rock..
Babboo:
"and Rolla"?
Osama:
No, the "Ayatollah of Rocks and dirt and sand". Sigh, It's a
hard life you know Babboo. Being a huge world reknowned star takes its
toll. I cannot go to the movies like regular people, I cannot take my
dog Poochie for a walk outside.
Babboo:
Because of the paparazzi oh great Osama?
Osama:
No, because an American stealth fighter will drop a smart bomb right up
Poochie's neutered ass, that's why.
Babboo:
Tell me Osama, why have you called us here today on "Babboo's Oasis"?
Osama:
For two reasons Babboo, two reasons.
Number
one, numero uno, #1, I want to address one of the MOST important issues
that ALL Middle Eastern and Muslim peoples face in this world today...
AND
THAT IS THE WWW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!!! Mike
Steele, you lousy sum-of-a-bitch! I watch you cork-sucking
ass spout a bunch of camel-shit about the Muslim people and terrorist
and all this garbage! But you my friend know not of what you speak! You
want to be the next Dan Rather you motherless son of a goat!? Let me tell
you something you sucker of elephant testicles! I was on 20-20, talking
to reporters in my own private first class tent, which I got mail order
from Ambercrombie and Fitch by the way, before you ever even heard of
Afghanistan, you flea-bitten sheep farking foreskin plucker! Maybe you
read the NY Times once a month and think you are some kind of expert on
Middle Eastern affairs Mike Steele, or maybe you just cut and paste some
American propaganda off your most precious AOL internet pussy account
you babboon faced heathen, and then attempt to sway the American people
with facts, and truths, and other such nonsense... NO NO NO!
Let
me set the American people straight right here and now! Mike
Steele is the terrorist! He is the farking suicide bomber!
Not the Palestinians! Not Al Qaeda, and not Yassir Arafat! The terrorist
is Mike Steele! His promos are like bombs! His career is like a suicide!
Everytime he opens his American foul-smelling mouth, he commits a terrorist
act upon each and every one of you! And on the upcoming Flatline, in Eerie
PA, Mike Steele will bomb, and lose the WWW World Heavyweight Title!
Babboo:
Words of wisdom from the great Osama Bin Laden!
Osama:
You can bet your boots on that jabberwockey!
Babboo:
Osama, you said you had two reasons for calling today... what is reason
number two?
Osama:
Oh yes, I am forgetting that. Ok, the second reason I called was... BABAGANOUGHI
HUMUS FALAFEL SHWARAMA HACKAKA AL QAEDA QASHA ASHAKA AHMED JOHNSON EL
SHIEK YER BOOTY EL SHEIK ED CASEY KASSUM HACKA BACKA CHEWBACKA CHICK PEAS
BOOGIE BOOGIE!
Babboo:
Eh, hmm? Osama, I don't think I underst---
Osama:
MOOGOO HACKA MALAKA SHIRKIE SHRKA TALIBAN MOOKIE WILSON PATAKA SHMARKI
FARKA JAMIE FARR CORPORAL KLINGER SHWINKIE DOO TABOULI KING TUTT SHEESHKABOB!
Babboo:
Osama, what does this all mean?
Osama:
Oh... don't you be worrying Babboo. The right people got that message.
And they understood every word of it. Hizzy on tha shnizzy, ah-iigit-blah!
HALLAH! It is time to go now Babboo! Peace out my Arabic homeskillet,
and remember..
AMERICA
DIE DIE DIE!!! NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH! YOU CAN'T GET ME! YOU CAN'T GET M---
Click!
Babboo:
That was Osama Bin Laden ladies and gentlemen! Incredible! The great Allah
is looking down on my crazy little show and smiling, don't you think?
The
mall crowd has gone from curious at first, to shocked, and now is getting
angry.
Babboo: I don't know how we can top that my friends, but
today we have special treat for you. I have two of the MOST important
people IN THE WORLD here today! MOST IMPORTANT in the WORLD! The Middle
East and the Muslims of the world are all huddled around the tv set watching
as I bring out my first geust. Everyone please say "Achmagiboo!"
to my first geust... the great and honorable and incredible... REFEREE!
A W3 referee comes out as a smattering of appluase are
heard.
Babboo:
Yes, hello Referee, oh great and justified black and white king of all
peoples.
Referee:
Err, thanks for having me Babboo. although I am not quite sure why I am
here.
Babboo:
Because you are Referee, that is why, and you are one of the most important
man in professional wrestling AND Middle Eastern politics today!
Referee:
(looking confused) Well, uh... I'm not sure about either of those things
Babboo. I mean, I'm just a pro wresling referee, certainly not one of
the most important people in ALL of pro wrestling. And as far as Middle
Eastern politics is concerned... I mean, I'm not even Middle astern. I'm
not even Jewis--
Babboo:
Don't even say that Referee! Allah forbid, a man such as you having to
wear the mantle of the Jew bastiches. But YES! You are the most important
man in both wrestling AND Arab life today!
Referee:
How?
Babboo:
Because you will be the referee for the Mike Steele / El Qasr Sahli Casbah
match for the world title!
Referee:
Yeah, but I don't see how that ma--
Babboo:
And you wll make sure that El Qasr Sahli Casbah, the Caliph of Constipation,
the Shah of Shwarma, the Pasha of Poontang, wins the world title from
that mongrel, Mike Steele.
Referee:
Uh, no. I can't do that.
Babboo:
But, yes you can.
Referee:
No, I can't.
Babboo:
I say yes you can.
Referee:
No, I say that I ca--
Babboo:
THEN I SMACK YOU LIKE BITCH!
SMACK!
Babboo
smacks the ref.
Referee:
Hey!
Babboo:
I SMACK YOU LIKE BITCH!
Babboo
wallops the referee and he flies off the stage and into the crowd.
Babboo:
I smack you like bitch you garbage sifting ofal eater! Your mother mated
with a desert zebra you worm infested tomb rat!
The
crowd gets angry as the referee is really hurt. Hacksaw Jim Duggan rushes
the stage.
Jim
Duggan: HEYO! USA! USA! USA!
Skater
kids: Dicksayswhat?
 Jim
Duggan: What?
Skater
kids: HA HA!
Jim
Duggan: Derp!
Babboo:
Forget that fornickater of goats, and let us bring out the man of the
hour, the guy who will always set your hearts aflame and your buildings,
airports, and government agencies on fire....
EL
QASR SAHLI CASBAH!!!!
El
Qasr comes out to boos from the mall crowd. The crowd is starting to get
downright ugly.
El
Qasr: HALLAH! It is SO great to be here with you Babboo, at the opening
of your new hit show, and inside one of America's finest malls, where
I can shop, and eat, and get floor plans and blueprints for next September.
Babboo:
Before you reveal too much oh great King of Contraception, perhaps you
shouldtake this time to talk about your greatest triumph!
El
Qasr: Let us talk about my world title match this week against Mike
Steele! Yes Babboo, yes!
All
around the world, the peoples of the Muslim religion, the greaest religion
ever, all sit around their tv's, or radios, or campfires, and as they
roast lamb testicles and eat sheeps eyeballs, all the talk is about ME!
Everyone can hardly keep their sharmakas on as I get set to take the WWW
world championship away from that camel-blower, Mike Steele.
But
before I talk about this person, let me say a few words about someone
else, someone many people would not expect me to talk about,mainlysue
to the fact that he is a pathetic worm and not worth my time or my oily
sweat.
The
American people and especially the Israelli bastiches all know one thing.
They all know that the Arabs people have someting all in common with one
animal.
Crowd:
Pigs!
Crowd:
Sheep!
Crowd:
Gerbils!
El
Qasr: No you cork sucking bastiches... elephants! That is right, the Arabs
and the mighty elephant have both something in common. Actually, HALLAH!
Two things... big farking balls! And a memory tha never forgets!
And
the one thing El Qasr Sahli Casbah will never forget is my loss to that
insignificant fleas shit, Chris Sparks.
Mr. Sparks, I do not know anything about you execpt that you are a stinking
cork sucker and a farking bastiche. But I also know that I was veryembarassed
by losing to you, you pig vomit eater. An I will neverforget and before
this is all over I will bomb your childrens school, I will mutilate your
pets and I will drive a Boeing 747 into your grandmothers house, but I
will jump out with a parachute before it explodes into a roaring ball
of flame and burns her and her chocolate chip cookies into nothing but
ash. Beware Chris Sparks because I come for you.
But
onto more pressing matters, and that is Mike
Steele. You stupid piece of American trash. You pathetic little
cork sucking "Who wants to be a Millionaire" watching pansy-boy.
How DARE you talk about my people, the Arabs people? While you are nothing
but a coward and a fool, and you eat McDonald's chicken McNuggets! Give
me a nice humus sandwiche on a pita with a side of olives and a little
tabouli salad....not some greasy fast food you Americans invented to make
yourselves all fat and unpleasantly smelly!
Mike
Steele, I am going to take that gold title away from your stinking, fetid,
smoking pile of a body this week and I am going to present it to Osama
Bin Laden as a urinal!
I
am going to take that title and give it to Yassir Arafat, and he can replace
that moth eaten grey and white shoal he has been wearing nigh these past
25 years with your WWW belt! HA HA HA! The entire world will know you
are nothing but a loser!
Mike
Steele I am going to rip your rectal cavity out and show it to you...
show you how diseased you and your country actually are, even when you
do not know it. Your Vice President Dick Cheney probably has a healthier
prostate then you you greasey food eating douche bag. I will distend your
prostate with my foot, and show it to you, show you that you are nothing
but full of cancer and shit, like your country, like your ideals, and
like your tedious little promos.
My
people will prevail in this holy war set against them Mike Steele, just
as I will prevail against you. Bring the INS with you, bring Geore W.
Bush with you, bring the Isrealli farking army with you Mike Steele, because
you will need all the help in the United Nations to not tap out to the
most horrific terrorist submission move the Taliban ever created... the
"Fuck you America!" camel clutch!
Let
me make it absolutely clear to you Mike Steele, you stinking filthy American
farking cork-sucking baboon molester... just like every Texas drunk has
ripped President George W. Bushies daughter's
alchoholic American vagina... this is how I will rip you apart!!!
The
crowd goes ballistic, yelling and screaming and calling for El Qasr and
Babboo's heads.
Hacksaw:
HEYO! USA! USA! USA! I'll kick your Iranian ass! 
El
Qasr: I'm Egyptian you farking loser!
Skater
Kids: Losersayswhat?
Hacksaw:
What?
Kids:
HA HA!
Hacksaw:
Durp!
El
Qasr grabs Hacksaw by the hair, pulls him onstage, and slaps the "Fuck
you America" on him as Babboo lights another flag a-flaming, the
mall catches on fire and every runs screaming for their lives.
Fade...
El
Qasr Sahli Casbah
Apple
pie tastes like camel snot.
|
