JIHAD! #2: Feast before the Fall
The city of Pennsylvania is host to a multicultural population, many of whom are from the Middle Eastern countries. In a small section of Philidelphia, a small Arabic community has grown, and here you can find very authentic Middle Eastern food.
This is where we are today, and where we find two very authentic Middle Eastern men, Babboo and his master, El Qasr Sahli Casbah...
El
Qasr: Babboo! Where are you Babboo!? Bring me some more yak cheese Babboo!
Babboo: Faster then a cheetah, oh great Prince of all he Circumsises!
The "Man from Taliban" is sitting in an authentic Middle Eastern restaurant, eating his favorite food.
El Qasr: Goats milk, olives, pita bread, shwarma, babaganoush, humus, and tabouli! What a feast, and we have not even gotten to the best part yet! Oh babboo, I love doing Middle Eastern, don't you!?
Babboo: Whatever
you say oh great Shiek of Shishkabob!
El Qasr: Wait! Wait! Babboo! Stoke up the hookah pipe! Let me take a deep drag of that Arabic tobacco, so unlike the cheap, filthy, disgusting cigarettes the American people smoke!
Babboo: At once my master!
Babboo hooks up a hookah pipe and El Qasr starts to toke on the mother.
El Qasr: Ah yes! So smooth, so strong. I am not like you pussy Americans, smoking low grade tobacco with filters. I smoke strong, manly tobacco from a pipe, with class and style. I am not some filthy secretary, or businessman, rushing out for their coffeebreak to puff on a little flimsy cigarette like a crack addict outside of their office building. I have class. I have dignity. I even smoke like a dignitary. You Americans are so crass and clueless, you are all so beneath me and the Muslim peoples! You all sit their and smoke your nasty little Marlboro Lights and Newports, your lips pouting like little rectums... you all look so stupid! HA HA HA! You pathetic little shits cannot do anything right!
El Qasr takes another hit from the hookah, as Babboo starts clearing off the dinner table and then starts bringing in more food. He puts three very strange looking dishes on the table and then waks out of the picture.
El Qasr: And if their is something else the Arabic peoples do better then the Americans, it is eat! Pizza? Hamburgers?
Babboo: Ha ha! Garbage oh great Caliph of Calzones!
El Qasr: Rat stew! Camel chow! The Arabic peoples don't eat that dog shit! We eat real food, food of the gods! Ambrosia! Food that only real men and women can eat... like... SHEEP EYES!
El
Qasr reaches down and grabs a sheep eye and pops it in his mouth.
El Qasr: Mmmm, so good! Ha ha ha! Now, now I have the power! The power of the sheeps eyes!
Babboo: The power of the sheeps eyes?!
El Qasr: I see green grass and little loambs... bah! Bah!
Babboo: Wha... what is happening to you oh great one?
El Qasr: Bah! Bah! Give me grass to eat!
Babboo: Oh Allah, what has happened to my master?
El Qasr: Bah! Bah! I want to watch a Britanny Spears video! ah bah! I want to eat burritos and drink CokieCola!
Babboo: Great Muhamed and Allah-Akba! My master has been cursed by a spoiled sheep eye! He has been ensorcelled by a djinn!
El Qasr: Bah! Bah! I want to get my hair done at SuperCuts! Bah! I want to drive a SUV!
Babboo: Call the mosque! Get the Shah of Iran on the phone! The great El Qasr sahli Casb--
El Qasr: Ha ha ha! AHAHAHAHA! Babboo, is it any wonder you are the servant and I am the master?
Babboo: Wha... who... where?
El Qasr: I was making a point you camel-toed yak milker! Americans! Sheep! Have you not a brain in that neutered head of yours? Don't you realize what I mean is that all Americans are dull, unintelligent buffoons that cannot think for themselves, while our peoples, the Muslim peoples, are smarter then they are?
Babboo: I could not dare to assume that I have half the intelligence of the Pasha of Private School oh great casbah.
El Qasr: Shut up and go away little man. Let me get back to my dinner here with my next juicy, delectable dish... GOAT HEAD!
Casbah
starts to pick at the goats ears, cuts off the nose and chews on it, grabs
the tongue and dips it into some soy sauce and eats that too.
El Qasr: Mmmm, so delicious! Food fit for a real man, not a little weak man. Speaking of which, I am looking right at you Chris Sparks, as I eat this little goat head.
Just like this decapitated little goat, you are running around without your head Chris Sparks. Do you realize something? That you actually pinned the Prince of Egypt last week? And did you also realize that you were completely underserving of that honor? Chris Sparks, let me explain something to you, little scum sucking sand flea. Only an idiot like you would take for granted what happened last week. Only a pathetic monkey scrotum eater would just move on like you have. Would completely take for granted that he pinned the most incredible man in the pro wrestling! You pinned an Arab you monkey biter! A Muslim! The "Man from Taliban" does not forget so easy, and soon, I will be feasting on your head you farking bastiche!
Babboo! Take this goat's head away! I look at it and I see Chris Sparks insolent little face in front of me. Take the goat head away before I fling it across the room and let my cat Abdullah use it for a litter box!
Babboo: I will take it away and defecate on it like you will raunch all overChris Sparks face the next time you meet!
El Qasr: NO! It is still a good goat head and does not deserve that sort of treatement. Chris Sparks however, will get a faceful of digested humus very soon. Now, on with the final dish... BRAINS!
El
Qasr pulls a plate full of brains in front of him, grabs the brain with
his hands, looks at it like he is looking at a busfull of Jews, and then
slams it into his mouth. Brains start oozing dow the side of his face
in the most disgutsing display since Mike Steele took of his shirt in
public.
El Qasr: Oh yes! So good! Brains! Does this look like fish and chips to you you pussy little American beggars? The Muslim people are harder, stronger, and more sick and disgusting then you can ever be! And we will do anything it takes to win this Holy War, this Jihad, against the evil United States of America and its satanic governemt! HALLAH!
Casbah spits up a bunch of brains as he calls out a war cry.
El Qasr: RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HACHACHACHACHACHACHA! ARIBA ARIBA! ANDALE! ANDALE!
Casbah slams more brains in his mouth and chews on them like mad rabid dog.
El Qasr: Mwaahaahaa! Let this be like a metaphor for what is going to happen at the next Flatline! Do you idiotic Americans even know what a metaphor is? I will tell you you farkin bastiches! It means I will feast on the brain of that puss filled camel twat Mike Steele! I will eat his shit filled vagina of a brain like so much babaganoush! I will slice his head off and make a gyro out of it, with his brain juice as the white sauce! I will rip out his eye balls and skull fuck him with a Taliban turban wrapped around my cock! I will smear his mother's vagins juice all over his face and then set a pack of wild jackals to feast on his tongue! I will ma-- BRAAAAH!
Casbah starts to throw up!
El Qasr: BRAH BRAH BRAH! Bu-- Bu-- Bu-- BRAH!
Chewed up sheep brains, partly digested goat head, and an eyeball go spilling out onto the floor.
El Qasr: Oh.. oh great Allah I feel like camel poopie! Mike... Mike Steele you pathetic cork sucking bastiche! Look what you made me do! Thinking about your miserable little arsehole has made me vomit up all this good food!
I will get you for this Mike Steele! I will win the W3 Heavyweight Title from you just for this!
Babboo comes back into the dining hall.
Babboo: Master I... oh great turban of life! What happened master!?
El Qasr: I was enjoying my food when I started talking about Mike Steele and then I--
Babboo: BLAH! BLARGH! BLARGH! BLURGH!
El Qasr: BLAH! BLURG! Bu-- bu-- bu-- BLUBBERBLAH!
Babboo: Oh my! I am so sick! Mike Steele, you farking dingo lover! You are such a farking bastiche!
El Qasr: That Mike Steele will not get away with this Babboo! First I almost vomit watching his horrible promos, now I DO vomit just thinking about him!
Mike Steele, you will lose that title to me! I have Allah behind me! I have the Muslims people behind me! I have the entire Palestinian suicide bomb squad behind me! And not behind me in a gay way, like you Mike Steele, but in a manly way!
The American people are weak and stupid, just like you Mike Steele. While you eat McDonald's Happy Meals in a parking lot somewhere, I am sitting here in this lovely restaurant eating goats brains, sheep eyes, and cow heads... now you tell me bastiche-man, who is stupider???
Mike Steele, you know why you made me throw up? Because you are a stinking vagina, that is why. Yõu are the smelliest vagina I have ever smelt, and I have smelt camel vagina, and that is some smelly vagina Mike Steele. And let me tell you another thing vagina-man. The Arabic people have a saying. "A good vagina is a smelly vagina. It makes the cock throw up!" Well you listen to that my friend and you listen well, because you are just that, a smelly vagina! And me, I am the cock and I threw up. Now you are just a smelly vagina, and even though in the saying, that is a good thing, believe me, that is not. And me, I am the cock, and I blew chunks. But being a cock is much better then being a smelly vagina Mike Steele.
Babboo: You tell him oh eleoquent one, you have a way with words!
El Qasr: Flatline! Mike Steele! I am coming! And I am bringing my smelly vagina with me!
Babboo: Wait... that does not sound right oh great master of the sand monkeys...
El Qasr: Shut up and do not correct me you sniveling gobin!
Suddenly, the doorto the quaint little Middle Eastern restaurant opens, and a man walks in. He looks familiar.
Steve Buscemi: Man, I love authentic Indian food, like samosas and... OH SHIT! Whats that fucking smell???
El Qasr:
This isn't Indian food you fucking bastiche! We don't worship cows!
Steve Buscemi: Smells like a fucking vagina in here! What's that on the floor? Digested sheep brains, goats head, and an eyeball? Aww fuck! BLAAAAAAAH! BLARG! BLARG! BLAAH! BLARGERBAH!
Babboo: BLAH! BLARGH! BLARGH! BLURGH!
El Qasr: AH HA HA HA! You weak little American pussy! You hacked a hairball! Ha ha ha! You weak willed putrid camel farkers don't have the sto--- the sto--- the sto-- BLAAAAAH! BLARG! BLABBERBLARG!
Steve Buscemi: BLAAAAAAAH! BLARG! BLARG! BLAAH! BLARGERBAH!
Babboo: BLAH! BLARGH! BLARGH! BLURGH!
Fade...
El Qasr Sahli Casbah
Don't you hate sand? It gets everywhere!