Dear Author: Wow! It sucks to be you! Today your fic is going to have justice done to it by...

Murasaki Suishou and The Queen of Blueberry Toast. Not the original Gruesome Twosome, but a reasonably priced knockoff at least.
 
 
 
Weiß Kreuz gets a girl
 
[Translation: if you have any airsick bags, you should go get them. Now. Or chug some gin. Mmm… gin.]
 
By The Queen of Farfarello
 
[Because even middle schoolers can have fantasies about being dominatrixes for psychotic assassins. In fact, if we take a moment to read her bio…]
 
My name is: Laurel, keeper, Richa, Casarol,(deepens on who is talking tto me and what mood they and I am in)
 
[Also known as the keeper of the key to the world where “to” is spelled with two ts <3.]
 
Looks: WHAT I LOOK LIKE IS NON OF YOUR GOD DAMN BUSINESS
 
[Not that we wanted to know or anything. In fact. I’d venture we don’t WANT to.]
 
I'm a very funky girl. [And by funky, I mean it amuses me to fantasize I’m fucking Aya while I hump my bed pillows.]  I am in middle school and am constintly getting stuk in the middle of my friends fights. [Because they all think the Aya pillow should be theirs. Oh holy mother of goats, she’s twelve… fucking… twelve. NOOOOOOOOOO! Although that does explain away about 10% of the spelling errors.]  And some of you may be a lil slow but 'Ruler of the Weezles' is one of my best friends just look at the pen names.  [I didn’t know weezles needed rulers. I suppose they would be different from “weasels” however, which I am more familiar with…] And just to let you know in her story I am NOT (let me repeat NOT) Meg. Even though Meg is my Bestest Best Friend. [The Aya pillow must feel neglected about now…]
 
(A/N- In case anyone has forgotten) Aya/Ran- Abyssinian
 
Omi- Bombay
 
Ken- Siberian
 
Yoji- Balines
 
Disclaimer- I do not own Weiß, though they're all so sexy I wish I did *drools*
 
[If someone is going to read a WK fic, then they probably know which one is which. Readers do not need to be reminded of the cast of characters. ]
 
[Unless of course the author has trouble remembering.]
 
 [And it's Balinese, not Balines.]
 
1- Ami
 
Manx tapped on the window outside a flower shop, where four young men were cleaning up their shop. They all looked at the woman and noticed that a black haired girl stood behind the red head.
 
"Mmm, she looks good." Yoji said. He smiled and lifted the safety gate. "Hello, ladies." Yoji grinned. [Fanfic Author: Youji is a kawaii word to start sentences with. I would never think of using anything else if I could help it.]
 
"Yoji, get over yourself." Manx said walking into the flower shop the black haired girl behind her. [Of course Youji, terrific manslut that he was, deliberately heard Manx as having said "Youji, get yourself off," which he began to do by humping Omi just as hard as he could while reading a magazine for people partial to golden showers. Omi, glancing the contents of said magazine, began suddenly to fear for the cleanliness of his t-shirt.]
 
[THAT'S the opening?]
 
[She CAN NOT write.]
 
The new girl had two high pigtails, black hair with blue highlights. Her eyes were green, her lips were rose colored, and her skin was flawless. She wore a tight black tee shirt that had a slit from the neckline and stopped about an inch an a half down, it was tied loosely, and looked sort of like one of Aya's, a leather jacket, and slightly baggie black jeans. She also wore combat boots. A red backpack was slung over her shoulder.
 
[Youji found all of this about as interesting a as watching bread mold. He’d never liked Mary Sues, let alone nauseatingly perfect Mary Sues, even though they were lots and lots of fun to piss on. He couldn’t help but wonder if this one would let him.]
 
[How predictable. Giving Schuldich a biker type for a sister.]
 
"Manx, what's going on?" Aya asked. [“You usually tell Youji to stop it. You know his constant humping isn’t good for Omi’s back.”]
 
"Aya, Ken, Yoji, Omi, I'd like you to meet the new member of Weiß, Ami Misoky." Manx said, referring to the black haired girl. [Who, after all, was the only girl in the general vicinity. The rest had all run off in the interests of staying piss-free. They knew the dilly-o when it came to Youji. Personally, I bet most of them had authentic Japanese surnames too, but that’s a wild guess at best.]
 
"But she's a girl." Omi said.
 
[And here I thought Omi was supposed to be the smart one. Wow. I was so wrong. *smacks self* I need to go lock myself in a convent and repent for my non-belief!]
 
"Girls' can't fight." Ken said.
 
[Oh, yeah. Girls can ride motorcycles, and travel alone, and be independent, and smart, and free. But they can't fight.]
 
['m offended.]
 
[I am TOO!]
 
"She looks younger then Omi." Yoji said.
 
"She's eighteen and as good of a fighter as any of you. [Her trademark move is the Flying Gazungas, where she flashes her fucking enormous, flawlessly-skinned tits at her attackers.] If you want proof I have a mission for you." Manx said.
 
"Teenagers are being found, all over the Tokyo area, raped and sometimes dead. [Dead, and not very original.] The police have no idea who is behind this. [But then again, they can neither find their own asses not properly punctuate a compound sentence.] But we know its Subaru Hetorshi, and his partner Usagi Hetorshi. Hunters of the night deny the villains their tomorrow." The shadowy figure said on the video, [“Your quarries should be easy to locate. After all, they’re the only two of four non-immigrant people in Japan who put their surnames before their given names.”] then the tape shut off.
 
[Subaru? So Takeuchi-sensei wasn't enough--you had to rip off Clamp, too?]
 
"Subaru and Usagi always hang around a different club each night picking up teens." Manx started. [“However, they don’t seem to much go for teenagers. After all, most Mary Sue authors would rather die than type such a huge word!”]
 
"They don't rape and or kill the kids. They only get the teens then pass them off to their employer, Aeashi Tomeoko. He sells the kids in a sort of auction. But if he likes a certain child, he'll keep that child and then rape and kill him." Ami said. [“As you can see, the lack of gender-neutral dialogue in my dialog was supposed to be a “subtle” anti-slash message, so all of you have to stop being the least be gay right now! :)”.
 
“And you know what else?” Youji intoned quite sarcastically, “Schuldich likes to give me the bone while dressed up as little bo-peep.”]
 
"How do you know so much about this?" Aya asked. [“Could it be you actually know what the mission is, unlike everyone else in or reading this fic?”]
 
"They killed my older brother and they were going to rape and kill me but I got away. They killed my parent. My older sister is Usagi." Ami trailed off. [It was hard remembering what it was like growing up in a house where both parents were surgically joined by the hip and liked to be referred to with the singular forms of nouns. Oh, how the other Mary Sue’s had teased her at Mary Sue School.]
 
[Usagi? Ami? You couldn't think of names for your "original" characters, so you stole from Takeuchi-sensei. How...pathetic. Maybe we should let Takeuchi-sensei know.]
 
"That means you'll be hesitant while doing your job." Aya cut in.  [Youji would have said it himself, but he was too busy spooging all over Omi’s backside and his own jeans, hence his reticence.]
 
"Why don't you see for yourself?" Ami said she started to dig through her bag. [There were lots and lots of tampons in there (despite the fact Mary Sue’s have no use for such things), and Youji reached over for one. He stuffed it into Omi’s butt. Omi wasn’t especially pleased with this development.] She pulled out two daggers and a full sized sword. She then took out her pigtails and pulled it back into a low ponytail. "Come on, let's go." She said. She put one dagger into each jacket cuff and slipped the sword on her back. She put on a navy blue baseball hat, backwards. [It made her look so butch, the author almost started one of the sentences in this paragraph with “he”, but then she remembered how much she feared variety, and opted not to change a thing.] She then turned around and walked to the door.
 
[ Explain to me how a full-sized sword could fit in a backpack? Much less, how she could carry one? Since they are HEAVY. ]
 
"I'll follow you anywhere, girl." Yoji said mindlessly following the girl.
 
[Youji does NOT call the females he meets, "girl." That is insulting. ]
 
[ He'll never get any booty like that.]
 
"How can she just go out looking for them when they could be anywhere in Tokyo?" Ken asked.
 
"Ami has been hunting them ever since they killed her family. She could find them no matter what." Manx said. "And if you don't hurry she will have killed all of them before you even get there."
 
[If Ami can find the villains no matter what, as Manx said, then why does she need Weiss' help? ]
 
[ Good question!]
 
And with that Ken, Omi, and Aya ran out after the girl. Aya taking a moment to process everything ran out after the two.
 
[Youji only came along reluctantly. After all, all his hopes of urinating all over Mary Sue had just been dashed. Omi was walking a little oddly. The author hadn’t bothered to establish time of day, and this bothered him; he just couldn’t get over the sneaking suspicions they were going out on a mission in the middle of the day, dressed in their civilian cloths no less! That, and he had a tampon up his butt.]
 
About ten minutes later they saw Ami kneeling at the end of an alley, peeking around the corner [and the two prostitutes whoring it up with a businessman in an alley. After all, she couldn’t possibly have found the “dark beast” in just two minutes. “Wait a moment, she is a Mary Sue!” Omi pointed out. “They can do just about anything.”], her hand was on the handle of the sword on her back.
 
"Get ready." She whispered to the four men behind her. "You four need to stay out of this fight unless I call for back up."
 
[Oh, yeah. Right. Weiss as backup.]
 
[I thought that was the Crasher’s job? Oh, wait! Most fanfic authors don’t bother to look up any useful information like that. My bad.]
 
"I don't know if you know this. But as soon as you joined Weiß you became a member of a team, that means you don't go off on your own." Aya hissed.
 
[You know, I could have sworn there was lots of scenes of various Weiss members splitting up and going off “on their own” in the anime, and the Aya was occasionally the one to encourage it O_O;;;. Umm… this fanfic is messing with my brain. My poor brain! NOOOOO Don’t leave me! Must… finish… hack!]
 
"Shut up, pretty boy, and see if you can keep up." Ami pulled out her sword and stood up. Turning the corner she started to run. [Aya, who had never been called pretty before by a Mary Sue, began to strut while “Stayin’ Alive” blared in the background.]
 
[Learn to place your damn commas in the right spots.]
 
"I will not be showed up but some girl." The four men said in unison.
 
They all started running, Ami looking like a dot ahead of them. [It was a vast improvement over how she usually looked, needless to say. Eventually, the little dot became a flee and wandered off into another Mary Sue fic exactly like the one they were in just then. Such was the transitory nature of Mary Sues. The men of Weiss would have found themselves with a somewhat deep and meaningful ending with that, except…] Soon they heard a yell and then a scream and they knew Ami had beat them to their pray. When they caught up with Ami, three dead bodies laid on the ground.
 
"You boys' are too slow." Ami said. She wiped the blade of her sword on her shirt. [Warning! If you're just now realizing that this fic sucks, you may be slow too. Sorry... not!]
 
"You should've waited for us." Ken said.
 
"You shouldn't have judged me before you knew me." Ami said.
 
"You left before we got to know you." Omi yelled. [The disturbingly identical construction of all the dialog that had just transpired was making him even more irritable than Mr. Tampon.]
 
"What do you want to know?" The girl asked. The guys noticed something had changed. Ami acted like she was trying to be friendly, not trying to do everything alone.
 
[In the mean time, the fanfic author however continued to act like exposition in large, meaty chunks was a good thing- after all, it saved her lots and lots of character development time.]
 
"Why did you join Weiß?" Ken asked.
 
"I was twelve when my parents were killed. I was sitting at their graves and Manx approached me. [Nothing happened to me in the internum. I masturbated a lot with my Aya pillow and WHOOPS! You weren’t supposed to know that. Hahahah! Oh, god, someone shoot me.] Her and your boss took me in a trained me how to fight. When I turned sixteen I went off to kill the people who killed my family. A week ago Manx found me and said they needed my help." Ami finished. [I don’t know where to begin communicating what’s wrong with this paragraph. It kinda reminds me of the unicorn poop on mamabliss.com...]
 
"Do you have a job?" Omi asked.
 
"No. I live on the streets." Ami said.
 
[You know, I could have sworn Kritiker- and I have reason to believe some of the squiggles in the unicorn poo indicate Ami is Kritiker employee -paid its officers or at the very least got them minimum wage jobs as florists. I guess pathos over-rides all sense once again…]
 
"You will work in our flower shop and you will live in the guest room. [We'll just move out all the homosexual porn and put it elsewhere. I think there's some room under Ken's bed.] You will act as a member of our team [albeit one who wears frilly pink aprons with nothing underneath- Manx likes titties, didn't you know? Anyway], which means, helping us clean, and cooking when it's your turn. [It will always be your turn since one thing the author bothered establishing is that we're chauvinist pigs.] You will do as you are told and not go off on your own during missions. Got that?" Aya said.
 
"Yes. But you might want to watch your back." Ami said. Aya spun around and saw a pickpocket behind him. He hit the pickpocket in the head, and the thief fell down. [Ok... that was so random I had to take a week break from hacking this fic just to set my mental associates to rights. I'm still covering my toaster with lube and dancing with it instead of making toast. Please pray for me in some good, non-Christian way.]
 
"Hey, Ami, do you got a boyfriend?" Yoji asked, slinging an arm around Ami's shoulder. [Shit, there it goes again. HEEEEEEEERE toaster.]
 
"Ok, let me lay down my own ground rules. If any of you touch me, you die. If any of you say something wrong or look at me in the wrong way, you lose your manhood. You go near any of my stuff, you lose your manhood. [Those are MY prop tampons, damnit!] You touch my swords or my daggers you'll be in a world of pain."  [Not that that isn't what usually happens to people who run around touching sharp, pointy things for no good reason.] Ami said elbowing Yoji in the stomach. "And to answer your question. I do not have a boyfriend nor do I need a boyfriend. [Or grammar lessons. Me hate boys. Boy suck. My be Lorena Bobbit? That unpossible!!!!11!!]  Besides love can make you hesitant and could cost you your life." [Someone please tell me that's standard Mary Sue boilerplate and not some pathetic attempt at foreshadowing hurt/comfort.]
 
" I love girls who play hard to get." Yoji grinned. Ami slapped him across the face.
 
[Raise your hand if you just thought of doing that to the author!]

"Pervert." Ami snarled.
 
"She speaks the truth." Ken said. Omi nodded. Aya looked at the girl, he knew something was different about this girl and it attracted him.
 
[: :gets nauseous: :P Like he's so thick, he can't figure out what attracts him?]

[Or that Ken is speaking with reverse syntax in a very un-ken-like manner. I guess he needs therapy too after that...]
 

On to Chapter Two!
No Way! Back to Randomness!