Author: Precious L the Spacepirate

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing does not belong to me. I’m just playing with the G-boys.

Warning: Yes now listen well. There is angst. Lots of angst. And there’s OOC. Sorry but hey I’m the writer I can play with the G-boys. And yes there are bad words. Feedback always welcome.

Painfully Alone

God I hate my life. I mean man why did I get stuck being who I am? What did I do to make someone so angry at me that they would give me this? This life with no home. This life where everyone I love dies. I’m cursed. What’s worse here I am in one of my best friend’s mansions and I feel like crap. Now I don’t mean to be rude but if you were raise like me cussin’ ain’t no big deal. So please leave if you can’t hake it.

Right now I’m in the room assigned to me. Let me tell you back on L2, ah’m sure Father and Sister could have fit all of us brats in here. I mean this place is HUGE! I myself could get lost in here. Well lets face it, I’ve already gotten lost in the house once today. And as if on cue Wufei found out and called me a stupid American.

Yup that’s me! I’m soo stupid that they let me fly a big mobile suit called a Gundam. I mean it must be really easy, right. Heh. I wonder what Wufei would do if I said that to him. He must not be too smart either. He thinks he’s so great. Born to a great family. Bah, who cares? I was born for the streets. And Wufei doesn’t let me forget it either.

Quatre has a cool room for me. There’s this great view, and right now the stars are bright and the moon is full. Not a cloud in sight. I dragged a chair over here so I could sit and watch it. Of course in the morning everyone will complain about how lazy I am and stuff but right now I don’t care. Watching the moon relaxes me. Which is weird since I grew up on the colonies and the moon is right there.

I wonder if anyone else watches the night sky? Bet Quatre does. The other three wouldn’t dare think of it. Speaking of the others... Someone is rapping at my chamber door. Heh, Poe, who’d a thunk?

“Yes!” I call. I look over to see a blond head pops in. “Hey Q-man, what’s up?”

He naturally smiles a sunny smile at me. Sometimes I wonder if it’s anything like mine, and just for show. “Good evening Duo. I was just wondering if you needed anything?”

“Nah man I’m fine.”

“Oh what are you doing?”

“Watching the sky.”

He frowns a bit. “Are you alright Duo?”

“Yeah I’m fine.” I turn away from him. “Can’t a guy watch the sky?”

“You seem.... um saddened.”

“Nah.”

Quatre places his hand on my shoulder. “Duo, your my friend if something is bothering you, you can tell me.”

“Nothin’s bothering me Q-man.” I think I sounded harsher than I meant to. He backs away, liked he’d been burnt or something.

“Oh okay Duo.” He leaves my room with his head down. God what a way to make a guy feel guilty. I feel even worse than I did before he came in. It’s not my fault! Really it isn’t. I just.... I just feel so empty and so alone. Sometimes I just want to curl up and die. Not as if anyone would actually miss me or anything.

I look back out the window. There’s someone out there. Actually there are two some ones out there. Heero “The Perfect Soldier Who Is To Die For In Spandex” Yuy and Chang “I Got A Stick Up My Ass And I Hate Americans” Wufei. Man their so prefect for each other its annoying. Not that either of them could be gay. I mean Wuffies been married. And Heero has that whole Relena’s a princess and wants him. Bad too.

I know Trowa’s gay. Of course it took catching him looking at Quatre and Quatre’s butt ta figure it out. Not that I mind. I mean him and Quatre would make a real cute pair. I hope they find each other soon, before its to late. War can be hell and we got to take what we can get.

Whoa okay so I drifted from what’s happening outside. Wufei is yellin’ at Heero. Wufei looks like he’s ready to kill. Heero, well Heero’s being Heero. In other words he’s standing there glarin’ at Wufei. Poor Wufei is turnin’ red in the face. Man if he doesn’t clam down he’ll have a heart attack. So now he’s walking off still ranting at Heero. Heero turns ta look at him leave. He probably doesn’t care.

Holly Shit! He’s lookin’ up and right at me! Oh god I am so dead. He probably thinks I was spyin’. I really wasn’t. I get out of the chair as fast a possible and go over to the bed. Maybe if I hide in it he won’t find me. Please don’t find me. Please don’t yell at me. I don’t think I could take it. I don’t need any more negativity. I feel so useless. They don’t need me. Maybe Heero will come up here and shoot me dead. Well I can hope.

I think I’ve been waiting a few hours and looking at the clock confirms it. And Heero hasn’t come to kill me yet. Personally I really don’t know how to take that. Guess I’ll try and catch some ‘Z’s.

You know funny thing about sleep is that it tends to make you dream. And normally dreaming is good. Unless your me. Then you get nightmares. When I’m with the other pilots I try not to scream. Its harder when I share a room. Heero wakes easily. But when I’m in a safe house alone I can wake screaming at the top of my lungs. And trust me I do. However since I am not alone and there are four other pilots. Three of which I’m sure are light sleepers. I wake up gasping and only a small scream escapes my mouth. Not one that could wake any one.

So now I’m up and nothing to do so I go watch the sky. I know I’ll nod off every so often. That’s okay because its not enough to have nightmares. God just once I’d like to have a nice dream. A happy dream. And no I don’t mean a wet dream. Not that I don’t think those aren’t nice. In fact I like them a lot. But you know I want a dream that is just... well nice.

Morning, you know sometimes I can’t stand the mornings. I get out of my chair and head to the shower. A hour later and I’m washed and dry, except my hair, and dress. Half-hour later I go down stairs. I’m hungry. I stopped outside the kitchen. So I eavesdrop so sue me.

Quatre is the first one I hear. “Duo’s not down yet? That’s odd he normally down at first smell of food.”

“I heard his shower going when I came down.” Trowa said. “I’m sure he’ll be down shortly. He must of slept in late.”

“Hn lazy American.” You know I sometimes I hate Wufei, and now is one of those times. “He would sleep away the day if he could.” No I wouldn’t.

“Wufei you know that’s not true. Duo does lots of things and he works hard too.” Ah yes Quatre to my rescue.

Well enough of this I decide I should go in. And yes all four of them are there. Heero just hasn’t said anything. I go in and sit down.

“Man Q this looks good.” I start eating. “Man am I starved.”

“Maxwell you say that all the time. You probably don’t know what true starvation is. And don’t you have any manors?”

That’s it! I have had enough of Chang. I am not here to be made fun of! I am here to fight a war! And something inside me brakes. “That’s it Chang. I am sick of you holier than thou attitude. I am sooo sorry I don’t live up to YOUR expectations. And for your information I do know what starving is like. I thought I was lucky when I was able to steel one apple or maybe a small loaf of bread every few days. Not a whole lot ta eat there Chang. And you sure as HELL don’t eat slowly! So I’m sorry I wasn’t raised in a nice house or had food everyday to eat. Like YOU! So SUE ME! But get off my FUCKING back, you asshole!”

I have no idea what’s come over me, but I throw my food at him. “Here you have it. I’m use to not having anything.” With that I turn to leave, my chair falling over, then I stop and look at Wufei. “By the way Chang,” the hatred just rolls off his name as I say it, “I am not stupid! Stupid people don’t pilot Gundams. Unless you think its a walk in the park to pilot one!” I then stalk out the door. I’m going to work on Deathscythe, my only friend it seems.

I have no idea how long I’ve been out here. But I’m still mad. Hey its not my fault. Nobody likes happy Duo so now they get angry Duo. Because if I’m not happy or mad, I fear I’ll fall into my depression. And you know that sucks. But what the hell do I care for. No else does. Heh guess I’m on my way.

About this time Heero comes into the hanger bay. I look at him. Don’t ask why, I don’t know the answer. But we just stare, and I’m the first to look away. I don’t want him to see me this way. What’s worse I think I might be falling for him. I mean sure he’s good looking and those spandex shorts. But I never thought I was gay, but when I see Heero, I just want to be with him, and have him hold me. And guess who stars in 98% of my wet dreams. I don’t know, I think I might be gay.

I can see out of the corner of my eye that he looks at me a little longer and then head to Wing. Which, oh lucky me, is right next to Deathscythe. I go into the cockpit. I need to stay mad, other wise I’ll cry. And as we all know boys don’t cry. But I want to.

I think I fell asleep because the next thing I know, Heero is shaking me and I screaming at the top of my lungs. Heero stops shaking me but I’m trembling. And I’m still screaming. Heero puts is hands on either side of my face.

“Duo! Duo look at me.” Heero’s voice has hint of something, like he’s afraid. I wonder why. “Duo you need to claim down.” I look him right in the eye. God their beautiful. I stop screaming, but I’m still trembling. His thumbs brush my face. I’m crying. I never cry. But I can’t stop. Why can’t I stop? “Are you alright?” I just stare at him, crying the whole time.

Oh god I hurt. Everything hurts. My heart, my head, my...my soul. Why won’t it stop? I want nothing more that to curl up into a little ball and die. And what’s scary is that I do curl up into as much as a ball as I can. I fall out of my seat. I think Heero catches me.

I hear voices but I can’t even tell you what their saying. I feel myself being lifted by strong arms. I turn my body into who ever is holding me. I feel safe and I don’t want to leave. Then we move and I clutch at who ever is holding me. At one point they try to pass me off to someone else but I won’t let go. Wonder why. Anyways I wined up still in the same arms, and we leave the hanger bay.

When we enter the house I actually see something that shocks me. Its Wufei and he looks afraid when he sees me. I then feel myself being lowered to a bed but I don’t want to let go of who’s holding me. Please don’t make me let go. It doesn’t hurt as bad if I hold on.

“Alright Duo, I’ll stay.” Did I say that out load and was that Heero who just said that? I feel the bed shift and I’m being held. I clutch tighter at who holding me. If I could I’d crawl into their skin.

“What happened to him?” I think that Quatre asking. Should be, soft voice laced with honest concern.

“I don’t know.” Heero? The voice is low and I hear the words right next to my ear but they’re muffled. Almost like my head is on his chest. “I was working on Wing,” Yup that’s Heero, “and he was inside of Deathscythe’s cockpit pit. All of a sudden I heard him screaming.” Wow I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk so much.

“Something must have triggered him.” Ah Trowa our on hand medic. Even though he only knows a little.

“You mean like me setting him off this morning?” Oh my god its Wufei, and what’s more he sounds worried. But I myself tense at his voice and try to bury my head in Heero.

“Yes that might have something to do with it. You might have triggered a memory. Like his life on the streets.”

“I didn’t know.”

“That’s no excuse.” I do believe that Heero just growled. “You are always on his case.”

“Don’t start Yuy, your no better. Your the one always calling him a baka.”

I hear another growl. “Yes but at least I don’t insult him every time I see him. Or talk bad about him when he’s not around.”

“Guys please fighting will not help Duo now.” Quatre is always the peacemaker.

And now I’m crying and trying even harder to climb into Heero’s body. All of a sudden I hurt again. Look what I’ve done. I turned everyone against each other. Or at least against Wufei. I really should be killed. All I ever do is bring misery to those around me.

“Maybe we should let them be.” I hear them shuffle around with Trowa’s words. But I’m still being held. Who ever is hold me is stroking my braid. Why does it feel nice?

“Shh Duo, your alright. No one will hurt you.” Heero? Is it really him? “Hai, its me.” Oh god I said that out load. I feel myself being rocked back and forth. Its very soothing.

I think I nod off. Every once and while I hear voices and I stir but then the rocking start and I hear soft murmurs and I fall back asleep. And for once I don’t have nightmares. Too bad this won’t happen again. I finally wake up. Still being held, I look up and I was right. Heero is the one holding me. I want to cry all over again because I know I will never have this feeling again. I will never feel this safe.

“Duo are you alright?” Oh he’s looking me right in the eye. I can feel the tears run down my face. “What is wrong Duo?” Why am I crying? I never cry. I’m suppose to be strong and manly like Heero and Wufei. When did I turn into a sissy? Heero shifts me and I bury my head into the crook of his neck. He rubs circles on my back. “Duo, tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t know!” I’m so confused. “I hurt, and I don’t want to be like this. Oh god I hurt!”

“Where Duo? Where do you hurt?”

“My heart, my head, everything hurts. The pit of my stomach. I feel... I feel...”

“What Duo, what do you feel?”

I hold on tighter to him. I know what I feel. I feel alone. All alone. This pain I have its emptiness. I’m just a shell. Nothing. I’m nothing. “I want to die.” I whisper, hopefully he won’t hear me.

But he hears me and he stiffens. “You don’t mean that.”

“I do. I can’t take this. I hurt so bad. Make it stop Heero, please.” God I sound pathetic.

“I can’t kill you.”

“Why not you always say you will now’s your chance.”

“I... I don’t want to.”

Oh god I’m doomed. “I don’t want to hurt anymore. Please Heero make it stop. I don’t want to be alone.” Oops that wasn’t suppose to be said out laud.

“Your not alone.” Heero’s hand cresses my cheek. I’m dreaming. “Your not. Duo I’m here.”

“Yeah and tomorrow you’ll be gone. Every one dies or leaves in other ways.”

“I’ll stay as long as you want.”

“Don’t toy with me.” I’m sobbing. “You have Relena. You don’t know what your talking about.”

“Relena? Duo what are you talking about?”

I push myself away. I don’t know why but I can’t stay. “Relena, she loves you. You should be with her. She’ll take care of you. She might help you be human. I want you to be ha...happy.” My crying is making it hard to talk. But I need to get away. God he’s beautiful. I lean forward and kiss him lightly on the lips. His lips are so soft. I pull away, and run away from him. Crying all the way.

On the way out I can hear Trowa asking Quatre what’s wrong. I hear him crying. Look what I’ve down. I hurt my friend. I stop and look in at him. Quatre is on his knees gripping his chest. Trowa is right next to him, hand on Quatre’s shoulder.

“I’m.... I’m sorry. Oh god I’m so sorry.” I turn and run out the door. Behind me I hear Heero yelling my name. But I keep running. Why the hell is he following me?

Before I know it I’m being tackled to the ground. Naturally we’re at the top of a hill and we go rolling down the small incline. We stop and Heero is above me. My arms pinned by him.

“Why are you running?”

“To escape the pain.”

“Why do you think I would want to be with Relena?”

“She... she loves you. She can give you so much. You two are almost perfect together.”

“I don’t care about her. She follows me around.”

“But...”

“No ‘buts’ Duo. Why... why did you kiss me?”

Oh why did he have to ask? “My only chance. I got to be held by you. I should have been happy with that. You held me I was so happy. I just... I just wanted to have something to remember you by. A kiss... it seemed prefect. I’ll never have the chance again.”

Heero wipes away my tears, but they keep coming. “Where were you going?”

“I was hoping that.... that I could get away from the pain.”

I don’t know what’s happening but Heero moves in closer to my face. And he kisses me. Why? He pulls away. “I will hold you as long as you want. But I will not kill you.”

“I...”

“I was never toying with you Duo. I meant it when I said I’d stay with you.”

“No don’t.”

“Don’t what.”

“Don’t you get it? I don’t want you as a friend! I want more! I want you to hold me and kiss me and to love me!!! No one does those things for me. And it hurts! It hurts”

“I can do that for you.”

“No Heero you can’t. I want a lover. I want what I can’t have.”

“You can have what you want. Your just afraid to take it.”

I think I understand. I look at Heero and he looks different. He doesn’t have that perfect soldier look to him. He seems softer. “Heero?”

Heero leans in and kisses me again. “I know what I’m saying.”

And that’s when Heero takes me into arms and holds. Whispers soft words into my ear and kisses me softly. And slowly the pain inside my starts to weaken. He deepens the kiss I hold onto him I don’t want this to end. I start to cry again.

“Duo?”

“Tell me this isn’t a dream. Oh God don’t be a dream. I don’t think I could take it if it was a dream.”

“Its not a dream.”

“Hold me. Please just hold me.”

“Hai.” Heero holds me. Then he carries me back to the house. All to soon we enter the house. Then Heero lowers us to a bed. I snuggle into him. “Duo do you want to change into your night clothes?”

“What night clothes? Please Heero just hold me.” I think I hear him gasp. Hey night clothes take up to much room when your moving. So I don’t own any. Heero lays down on the bed and gathers me into his arms. “Heero?” I look at him. His shirt is off. I can feel his perfect chest. If I wasn’t feeling like shit I might have enough guts to explore him more. But right now I’m content.

“Shh Duo just sleep. I’ll hold you.”

His voice is so low and so soft. Before I sleep I let a few words pass my lips. “I love you Heero.”

“I love you too Duo.” No pain I feel no pain. Oh God could it be that for once something good is going to stay with me. Please be true. I drift off to sleep. No nightmares.

The end.

Ok I would like feedback on this one. I’m not sure about it. Did it suck? Or not?