The scene opens up on a stage in L.A. The Fox logo appears at the bottom right hand corner of the screen and the intro of Mad Tv plays. After the intro, a crowd full of people is shown sitting back all faced towards a stage. The stage is where the cast of Mad Tv shoots their show which appears every Saturday night on Fox. Mad Tv is known for their hilarious sketch comedy and outrageous cast who will make fun of basically anyone for a good laugh. The crowd all starts chuckling and out right laughing as senior cast member and all around extremely funny fat man Will Sasso walks out onto the stage with a black jersey of the Calgary Hitman on. Sasso walks to the center of the stage with a shit-eating grin on his face and begins to speak to the large L.A. crowd in the studio as Mad Tv filming begins.
Will Sasso: “Hey everyone thanks for coming out here, we’ve got an extremely great show for you planned. We’ve got Stuart getting ready to do a sketch, **CHEERS** we’ve got a brand new music video by Brittany Spears called “InTOXICated,” **CHEERS** and of course a whole hell of a lot more **CHEERS**. But before we get to all that, I would first like to make a challenge to this no good son of a bitch I know. This no good son of a bitch has embarrassed me here on Mad Tv, and he’s done it in the middle of a wrestling ring in as well. You see extreme Hardcore wrestling, or eHw as it’s always referred to as, has finally reopened. With this reopening came the return of a no good lousy slang talkin Canuk named Bret Hart. Now Hitman, I saw you last week in Toronto on Tuesday Night Turmoil running your mouth in front of all those stupid Canadians about how your the greatest, no one can beat you, blah, blah, blah. Well since no one in eHw seems to be able to shut your mouth for you I’m going to do it myself, OH YEAH! Your dream of being a five time eHw World Heavyweight Champion are going down the drain Hitman. Because I Will Sasso, am calling you out to a one on one wrestling match! You see it was just under a year ago that you stuck your nose where it didn’t belong Hart. It was during the time of the eHw goodbye tournament last year that you came here to Mad Tv and locked me in the Sharpshooter during a Dick Cheney sketch I was doing. Go ahead and show that footage to the audience please.”
Click on the picture to see the actual event from last year
The segment of Sasso being put into the Sharpshooter is aired on the screens in the studio with Sasso watching with a disgusted look on his face. Meanwhile the entire audience watches with laughter as Bret locked Sasso in the Sharpshooter and made him cry like a little girl. The segment ends as Sasso turns to face the audience again this time with much more fire in his eyes.
Will Sasso: “You people may laugh but that wasn’t FUNNY! The Hitman violated me....he hurt me......he...he made me cry! That Sharpshooter hurts damnit! You know Bret Hart’s father used to put people in holds like that in his dungeon all night long! How was that ever allowed in the first place? Well I’m putting a stop to the Hitman and all this madness myself. Bret Hart, wherever you are, listen real well. I am not afraid of you anymore, and I am issuing a challenge to you. I challenge you to come here at our Mad Tv studios and face me one on one. I’m bigger than you Hitman and I’m smarter than you! I can beat you up any day of the week, twice on Sunday.”
As Sasso continues his banter on the Hitman, from behind the curtain, out walks Bret Hart himself. Bret sneaks up on Sasso from behind with the audience laughing in suspense but poor Will Sasso has no idea he’s there.
Will Sasso: “...and then I‘d smash your head through a moose‘s ass! Just as your saying “Oh NO please Mr. Sasso” I‘d slam you again with one of these pythons right here. That‘s right you people are feelin it! Bottom line is The Hitman won’t show up because he is afraid of me. Me, I’m not afraid of anything....AHHHH!”
Sasso turns around and sees Bret Hart standing right behind him. Sasso quivers into the fetal position and begs the Hitman off as Bret Hart flashes a huge smirk across his face. The entire audience is clapping and starts chanting “Kick his ass! Kick his ass!” Bret stands over Sasso allowing him to get up slowly. Sasso gets up and backs away from Bret and quickly begins speaking.
Will Sasso: “Okay, glad you had the balls to show up. Now in my challenge I said we would wrestle one on one but I didn’t say what kind of wrestling we were gonna par take in. You see, I’m a great actor here not a lowly Pro-Wrestler like yourself. My body and beautiful face are worth a lot of money so instead of a traditional wrasslin’ match Hitman, me and you are going to Arm Wrestle. Debra, bring out that table and referee.”
A befuddled Bret Hart watches as Debra Wilson, another Mad Tv actress on the show, and a referee caring an arm wrestling table walk out. The ref places the table in the center of the stage and leaves it. Sasso begins warming up his right arm. Bret shakes his head and points to Sasso looking at the crowd with an amused look on his face.
Bret Hart: “Real cute Sasso, arm wrestling. Well, I think my muscular right arm can take out your extremely fat right arm. What in God’s name made you think you could beat me in an arm wrestling match, did you watch “Over the Top” and get inspired by Sly Stallone?”
Will Sasso: “Shut Up Hart! As soon as I’m done stretching here, you are going down. We’ll see how high and mighty you are when you feel the power of SENOIR BAG OF CRAP himself WILLIAM SASSO! Wish me luck Debra!”
Debra Wilson: “You be dead cracker! I seen the shit these pro wrestlers can do and I ain’t messin’ around with them. I’m watching this go down cuz I have a bet with Aries Spears the Hitman here is gonna make you fart by the end of this contest.”
Bret Hart: “That sounds like a challenge. Sasso you idiot, you ready?”
Will Sasso “I’m ready. Your ass is mine HITMAN!”
With that Sasso and Bret move into their positions on the arm wrestling table. Bret is ready first as he quickly has his right arm in the air ready to slam Sasso’s right down. Sasso however is very hesitant slowly sitting down staring only at the Hitman. A stare down ensues. Bret Hart stares at Sasso with a very mischievous look on his face. Sasso stares right back at the Hitman almost doing a Rock impression with an eyebrow cocked. Old western stare down music is played in the background, the type you would hear before a big gun fight. The camera continues to alternate between Sasso and Bret Hart as the staring gets more and more intense. The audience meanwhile is laughing hysterically. The camera even zooms in on Debra Wilson’s face who is staring at the referee with sexual intentions. The referee moves uneasily closer to the table and asks both men to bring their arms toward each other.
Referee: “Okay guys you know the rules. You cannot let go of your opponents arm any time during the contest. Your left hand must always be gripping the bar in front of you. The first person who manages to slam his opponents arm against their pad wins. You will begin on my command. Ready.......Set.......GO!”
With that the arm wrestling begins. Debra Wilson looks on enticingly as Bret Hart and Will Sasso stay at the center of the table neither man gaining any ground. Slowly but surely Sasso starts to lose ground as Bret stares straight ahead at Sasso. Bret shows very little effort, while Sasso on the other hand looks like he’s about to have a heart attack. As the crowd watching live cheers on and on Sasso’s arm finally hits his pad as Bret slams it straight down. Will Sasso let’s out a loud fart right as his hand slammed against the pad. Sasso falls to the ground holding his arm as the referee announces the winner.
Referee: “That’s It! Winner...Bret the “HITMAN” Hart!”
Debra Wilson: “Yes you farted, I heard it you peoples heard it! I win the bet, way to go fat ass. Great job Hitman, I’ve always been a big fan. Gotta go!”
Bret Hart: “No problem Debra. You suck Sasso. Look at you on the ground, you look like a bruised turd lying there. I beat your fat ass one more time and there was nothing you could do about it. It’s time I put your fat ass out of its misery.”
Bret walks over in front of Sasso’s limp body on the floor. Bret puts his thumb up in the air and then spins it down signaling the end of Will Sasso. Bret grabs Sasso's very large legs and locks on the Sharpshooter. Bret keeps it on while Sasso cries hysterically to let it go. The audience is dying of laughter by this point as Will Sasso has been once again been beaten and bruised by the Hitman. Bret let’s go after about twenty seconds and kicks Sasso off the stage. Sasso gets up with his pants falling between his ankles, and runs out of the studio crying. Bret takes center stage and looks into the camera.
Bret Hart: “Lousy no good Sasso. If you liked seeing me whip Sasso’s fat ass tune in every Tuesday night for eHw Tuesday Night Turmoil. It’s the best wrestling around today that Vince McMahon can’t touch. From hardcore to the best pure wrestling around it doesn’t get any better than eHw. That’s right eHw, the most innovative e-fed in history is back up and running with all your favorite eHw stars like myself, the Sandman, Scott Steiner, Al Snow, and Mike Awesome. Back with a new attitude, a new image, and best of all real original videos including one dedicated to me the Excellence of Execution Bret Hart. It’s every Tuesday Night, it’s live, it’s exciting, it’s Tuesday Night Turmoil check your local listings!”
Mad Tv Producer: “And cut, great job Hitman as always. Everyone please give a big hand for Bret Hart. We are all set with filming you are free to go Mr. Hart. The segment looks great as soon as it’s all edited we’ll send you a copy. Good luck on your future wrestling career Hitman.”
Bret Hart: “Thanks guys. Hey make sure to get my good side! Just kidding, it’s been a blast guys but I don’t need the luck. The new eHw is filled with jobbers and half-assed talent. The new eHw is all about me, that’s why I’m the only wrestler doing publicity for us. Anyway thanks for letting me do the show again, take care everyone.”
Bret waves good-bye to the Mad Tv crew and heads to his dressing room. Bret avoids a lot of people and opens the door but before he can get in Scott Hudson catches him with an eHw microphone and film crew standing by. Bret looks annoyed and looks towards Hudson.
Bret Hart: “This is the second time you idiot eHw film crew guys have tracked me down. First you caught me with my mistress at the Calgary Hitman stadium in my home town and now here at Fox studios in L.A. What is it Hudson?”
Scott Hudson: “Sorry Mr. Hitman, but eHw needs you. You can’t play Mr. Big Shot all the time doing media blitzes for eHw while avoiding the competition at home. How about it you’ve got AJ Styles this Tuesday Night on Turmoil in the World Title quarter-final, if you manage to beat him you have long time rival the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels in the semis, then you got the finals if you survive that against either Scott Steiner, Al Snow, or the Sandman! Not to mention Mr. Hart, that a certain man they call Sting has called you out as well. What about all this competition?”
Bret Hart: “You know Hudson, in the long life of Wrestling there has always been this certain saying which is always true. When you’re the guy on top of the business, everyone will try to beat you to claim that spot. You’re a target. With that logic and all the boys that want a piece of me you can clearly see that I am the best that eHw has to offer. I am the only actual Superstar amongst a bunch of “Talent” here in eHw. This whole World Title Tournament is just a formality, I already AM the World Heavyweight Champion, I am the best god damn wrestler in that locker room. I already have my first title Defense booked against Sting. Do you think it’s a coincidence that the very first Turmoil this company had since we came back was a celebration for me, an appreciation of me. Tuesday Night Turmoil didn’t return in honor of Tuesday Night Turmoil, it returned in honor of ME! The very first Main Event this company had since we returned was a match featuring me. What did I do in that match? I beat the so called eHw Icon Sid Vicious so bad he stuck his tail between his legs and retired. Well Sid, I always said you were nothing but a mid-carder and you proved me completely right. Hudson you remember what I told the fans right before my match with Sid? I said “If we are all LUCKY, Sid Vicious will never ever wrestle again” and he won’t. Good-bye Sid. Now you can all thank me for ridding Sid Vicious from eHw and giving myself more time. See that’s what you have to do Hudson, you have to be as unforgiving as I am to be at the top. You have to take would be challenger and knock them off like I did with Sid Vicious.”
Scott Hudson: “Well what about Taz, he attacked you after that match with Sid when you issued an open challenge. He took up your challenge and choked you out as the show ended. How about it Hitman.”
Bret Hart: “Did he beat HBK last week on my Turmoil show? No. Is he still in the tournament? No. So who cares about Taz. You couldn’t even cut it against Shawn Michaels Taz, what makes you think you could ever go one on one with me in a fair match? I’ll get my revenge on you Taz, you’ll pay for what you did, but for now I’ve got bigger fish to fry, much bigger.”
Scott Hudson: “Well let me ask you about Bret Hart Appreciation Night. There you were soaking it in with your Canadian brethren, the celebration of the Hitman when Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner himself walks down to the ring and crashes the party. What do you think about that?”
Bret Hart: “What do I think about that? Why don’t you re-watch Turmoil Hudson. I showed everyone what I thought of that when I locked Steiner in the Figure Four on the Ringpost and made him scream for me. If Bill Goldberg was an actual wrestler, and not a sports entertainer, he might’ve taken advantage and beaten Steiner. But Scotty Steiner survived and if he makes it to the finals, you bet your ass I’ll make him pay even more.”
Scott Hudson: “From Steiner, I have to ask you about Sting. Sting has called you out and wants a piece of you Hitman. What do you think about that challenge?”
Bret Hart: “Like I said before, when your on top, all of the no good stinking hyena come after you. I have a whole lot to say to Sting, but I’m sure as hell am not going to do it in front of you here at Fox studios, I’ll do it in the middle of an eHw ring like a man. That’s soon enough, all you have to know about Sting is, his time will come.”
Scott Hudson: “Well if you don’t want to talk about the future with Sting, how about the present with AJ Styles? Styles is a former NWA World Heavyweight Champ, put the X-Division there on the map too. He’s a great challenge to any technical wrestler like yourself Bret. Are you even ready for AJ Styles?”
Bret Hart: “Am I ready for AJ? Of course he sucks, he’s nothing. What are his credentials here in eHw. He beat Kane at Back to the Extreme. WOW! I’m really shaking. Styles it doesn’t matter what you did in Hicksville USA down there with TNA. This is eHw this is where I play. And here in eHw a cruiserweight like you poses no possible challenge. I’m going to give you the honor of having your first loss in eHw be to me. I will humble your ass and you’ll be begging me for wrestling advice, now Hudson scram. I have to change and catch a flight to Indiana for a house show. That’s where I’ll speak to AJ Styles live in front of all my adoring Executionights out there. And at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit on Tuesday, your ass Styles will belong to me. Beat it Hudson.”
Scott Hudson: “Thanks for the interview time Mr. Hart. Great job here with Mad Tv too. You heard it here fans the Hitman is on his way to the eHw house there locally in Indiana tickets still on sale but not for long. As for the rest of our fans thanks for catching this quick conversation with the Hitman he’ll be live this Tuesday Night on Turmoil taking on AJ Styles as you heard. Be sure not to miss the ongoing Tournament for the vacant World Heavyweight Championship. Fans, we’ll see you there.”
The segment ends and Bret closes his door as Hudson leaves to the side. The scene then cuts to commercial.
Forward to Bret Hart live in Indiana
