Sarah i made this website because i feel like there is a void in my life that only you can fill. Ever since you stopped talking to me i have not been able to laugh or smile. I realize that i did somthing to you that had been done to me. I remember how bad i felt when i was treated so wrongly and i hated myself at that moment for being able to act so terribly. I once wrote a song called how could you do somthing like that? It was a good song really. It was about everything going so well in a relationship and then without warning you get dropped. I didnt understand how you could that at that time. Now i understand that people make mistakes and somtimes wish to try and change them. Look i am making a whole website for you because i miss you and want you. Look "Love is a perky little elf doing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniture machine gun." Look everything in your life is never going to be perfect. Somtimes everything will be great like a perky little elf and at other times it will be hard and painful. Like being shot by a perky little elf. All you can do is try to fix what is wrong. "Life is like a roller coaster, it has its ups and downs but in the end everything turns out fine." You can not stop the ride from going. You just have to go with it and realize that somtimes it will go up and somtimes it will go down. All i want is a chance to make your roller coaster ride go back up again so you can be happy and i can be happy. Updates: 4/28/04 Today i started being nicer to everyone. I figured that i had caused enough people pain this year that i would try to make up for it now. In math class a girl didnt have her math book so i went all the way to my locker to get mine for her to borrow. She was very happy about that and it made me feel good to help someone. 4/29/04 On this day i was very upset. I walked down the hallways at my school and saw so many couples holding hands and kissing and being happy. It made me think that if i had a brain and would use it properly i would have been as happy if not happier then them. What the hell is my problem. So when i came home from school i had to come to my website and write this to make me feel better. It makes me feel better because i am trying to fix what wrong i have done. 4/30/04 Today i had a good day. Me and my mom went on a long bike ride. It makes me feel free from problems when i can just go ride my bike. Then i spent most of my day playing a sad love song on my guitar and feeling like a fool for being so stupid. 5/01/04 I havent slept in a few days. This morning i couldnt open my eyes wide enough to put my contacts in. I am tired but i can not sleep because i cant stop myself from knowing that i hurt somone how i hate to be hurt. It pains me greatly to know that i could hurt somone so much. In hurting other people you are always hurting yourself as well. 5/02/04 Today was not so good of a day for me. I had a lot of accounting homework to do. I probably could have done all of my homework in 6 hours if i was able to focus. It took me 9 hours to do it because i kept thinking about how stupid i was to be mean to sarah. Ill i could think about was how to get her back. So i decided i would just keep adding on to my website and hope that she would like it. 5/03/04 Today was a strange day. I have been in a dreamlike state all day. I kept having images pop into my head. They were like daydreams only i was having trouble knowing the real from the fake. This girl had finally forgiven me and i was talking to her and then suddenly i wasnt and i couldnt have been because she does not go to my school. So she could not have been there. I used to have daydreams like this about my sisters mainly after not sleeping for several days. It seems that if i miss somone enough then i tend to daydream about them being there with me. 5/04/04 Today my family went to conrod photography and took a family picture. We are having my sisters old photos put in the backround. I made a page on this site in memory of them. 5/05/04 I realized way to late how nice sarah really was to me. She used to call me almost every day and talk to me for usually around half an hour which is a lot longer then i had talked to anybody in a long time. I could tell every day that she cared if i was having a good day or not. She even called me on a bus ride going to the bahamas. Naturally i wasnt home though. She made me feel special because i knew somone cared enough to call me so much. Sarah has to be the nicest girl i ever "dated". and one of the nicest people i have ever met. I miss her storys about doing crazy stuff at her grandparents house. That is obviously why i am making this website every day. I just cant help how i feel. People keep telling me that i should write a novel because i have a very creative writng style. I will probably write my book with a character that goes through lots of hardships in relationships and is stupid so that if people actually read the book they will understand that everyone ends up hurting real bad from relationships that go wrong. I will probably have this guy fall in love in the end and be happy. He will be some kind of warrior though just for a little excitment. His life will basically be a roller coaster ride. It should be a good book. 5/06/04 I Wrote a song a while back. It is called how could you do somthing like that? I wrote this real late at night one day when i was having a real bad day. So if it sucks dont tell me. Here we go. (Lots of the song will be screamed.) In the beggining everything was grand. She played the flute in the band. We could have fun no matter what we did. But then one day i showed up, and I got dumped without a warning. It was over over. How could you do somthing like that? It felt like getting hit with a bat. Arghhhhh Arghhhhhhh. I dont get it. I showed up one day and everything was fine but before i new it i was sitting outside. The only thing on my mind was how could you do somthing like that? Will you ever take me back? Then i found somone new. She was nice and pretty to. But then i ditched her. Owe what the hell did i do? Now she hates me and im mad. How could i do somthing like that? Damnt now i cant take it back. Rahhhhhhh I WANT TO TAKE IT BACK. YEAHHHHHHHH. 5/08/04 i slept for several hours last night. My friends came over and we played pool and cards and they helped keep me from thinking about anything so i was able to sleep. Today i ate a free meal at a tennis party then i went and played tennis for two hours. It was cool i even won a bag at the tennis party. Then i got two spend 2 hours mowing a yard. After that i played my guitar until my fingers were very sore. My friend adam works at the movie theatre so me and him went to see the movie van hellsing for free. It was a good day. Anyday i get free food and a free movie is a good day. Some girl also gave me candy before the movie. 5/09/04 I dont know what else to do now. I sent a gift i wrote a song i appologized a lot of times. Is there nothing i can do to get back what i have lost? It pains me so to have to sit here and only imagine what would have happened had i made a different choice. I assume i would be very happy now. Yet i am not because i made a bad choise. It is 1:04 in the morning and i am not tired in the least bit for my mind can not stop thinking these thoughts of the past. Thoughts which make me remember bad things i wish i had not done. The only way to make these bad thoughts go away is by fixing what happend and making new better thoughts. Please i need your help. 5/10/04 So far this site has done me no good at all. I dont think sarah will ever forgive me. The only hope i have now is to keep updating this site and hope that girl has a change of heart. To look on the brighter side that girl has inspired me to write a few songs and is helping me with some of the pain my character in my book is feeling. I bought a distortion pedal for my guitar today so that was cool. I just need to remember how to use it. Ha ha wish me luck. I might come up with a comic thing on here tonight. You never know though. I think i would feel kinda mean because it would be similar to neals burps. 5/13/04 Thre must ne somthing wrong with me. I can not sleep at night and i dont get tired anyways. So i either have to lay there and do nothing or do somthing else all night. I have only been able to think about two things in the past few days. One is sarah and the other is my guitar. Those two things happen to be the most important things to me right now for some reason. thats not a good thing because sarah wont even talk to me anymore. and i can not do anything about it. That is one of the worst feelings in the world. To want somthing so bad but to be powerless to get it. ill probably add a new story to my stories page later tonight if i cant sleep. 5/15/04 I had a grand old time last night at my friend eddies party. We wrestled and played a board game called battle of the sexes. there were 7 girls and 6 guys at the party. Atfter the girls left me and 3 of the other guys played the awesome game called halo untill 11 this morning. That was 11 hours of straight video games. that is more then i have played in then last 3 months i bet. Also last night the only thing they had to drink was soda. I dont drink much soda. infact i have never had more then 1 soda in a night before. However last night i had 12 mountain dews and a bunch of pizza. Now it is 11:27 and im home and i am not tired at all. I hope that lasts because i am having a party tonight which i do not plan to sleep at. My family has no soda in the house because noone drinks it. So now i am going to rely on my good old psyconess and lack of needing sleep to keep me awake. However if i am not capable of such a thing it is ok because i am having my friend drive me around the rest of the night. anyways so my weekend is going good. I have the house to myself this weekend to which is also good because then i can do whatever i want ha ha ha. Wish me luck on the whole no sleeping again thing. 5/16/04 WHY????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As you can tell from that im having a bad day. I just thought i would tell you incase you care. Well im going to go walk in the park and try to be happy. Surly i can think of a way to fix my stupid problems if i just think about it long enough. Maybe ill bring my bike with me incase i want to ride it. Owe if anybody reads my site that hasnt been to www.newsburp.com you have to go there it is an awesome site. 5/18/04 I was sick yesterday. The last few nights i had the same dream. It is weird i dont remember ever having the same dream more then once before but ive now had the same dream 3 nights in a row. Anyways in the dream i get an email that says that in response to this website she has made a website to try and explain her feelings to me. Oddly enough after having the same dream 3 times i cant remember much about her website. Only that i liked it. I know im stupid and should just be able to forget all this but she is constantly on my mind. Ill add a new storie to my stories page to try and make myself understand somhow. 5/19/04 Im at my friends house on my icq account. Your online but i know i am not supposed to talk to you. You know how badly this sucks? I feel so powerless. Ill i can do is sit and hope you will send me a message. 5/22/04 You know we could have so much fun. We could go have a picnic at moormans park and watch the sunset on the lake then lay on a blanket and look at the stars. Or we could go paddle boating. Or just go to a park and walk around and look at the animals. Everything would seem so wonderful because you would know you were there with somone you cared about. Wouldnt that be wonderful? Thats all i want. But hey this is life so i dont know if any of those things will ever happen. I can only wish and so i will. 5/23/04 Today i realized how brilliant my friend candace really is even if she didnt actually come up with this thought. well her msn name today was. "You never know how much that person meant to you until they are gone. Why cant people realize that when they are with the person." Now why didnt i think of that like 3 or 4 months ago instead of going off and being a stupid damned fool? Sure it makes so much sense now. Even if i had thought that before i was a fool if it would have made a difference. Somtimes you cant understand things until after you experience them. Doesnt that just suck ass? Not much you can do about it though. Finals week at school for me wish me luck peace and good food. 5/27/05 Finals ha ha ha what a bitch you know but its all good. My government final was a mock trial and me and this one girl were the defense lawyers and i new everything about the case but this girl was insane and new everything about everything so she barly let me talk during the case and i still got 120 % on it. So that was cool better then an a and all i had to do was stand there. Anyways today i had two more finals and then i would have had a third but i had an a in that class both quarters so i didnt have to take it so i just skipped out on that one. Then me and my band got together and practiced and it went really good so that was cool. Then tonight we went to a third grade graduation that my sister did last year and they presented an award in her honor and it was really painful for my parents so they cried which made me cry and then the girl that had been the other lawyer in the mock trial was there and she saw me cry so she cried and then her sister cried and owe my god it was contagious what a painful night but hey im alive so its ok. Well im going to study for my last final not. ha ha 6/08/04 So many times i want this pain to just go away. But it justs stays. Why wont it go away? Damn owe well not like i can do anything about it. A lady that came through my checkout lane one day told me that she truly believed in the phrase if god gave you lemons make lemonade. That means you need to make the best out of everything you got. Which is good and if it was easy to do that it would be a good idea. I need to do that you know try to make the best out of every situation and stop being sad or mad you know what im saying? Just be happy and enjoy yourself and you know how damn hard that is? but it is a good idea or so i think. ha ha i will now make neals website honroing him. 6/11/04 I spent another night getting mad at myself for being mean to Sarah. When will i get over this? It is driving me crazy and it is not cool. I would prefer to sleep before 6 in the morning on the nights that i try to sleep but it just is not possible anymore. However my dad has managed to sleep some for the past two nights so that is a very good thing. I have a guitar lesson to go to now though so off i go and hope to do well. great well now im back from my guitar lesson and work which sucked but whatever. I decided to add a smilie to this page because Sarah taught me how to do the electric slide so i figured id add that smily on here.
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