The Smallville Diaries - Week AUG 24 - 30, 2003

Sun. 24 - 12:54 a.m.

Current mood: hyper

after the chores

So I came back from class with a million chores to do. My dad makes me do all the heavy lifting. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents but my dad is sort of really intense. He's always thinking about the farm, well, duh I live on a farm.

Anyway, I saw LL today but she didn't notice me at all. I walked right by her and she just ignored me. I stare at her and hope that she'll turn to look. You know, maybe pay attention but she was with WF. He's her boyfriend. See that's why I want to be on the football team. She's a cheerleader so I figure if I was on the team she'd notice me and maybe...

I'm just dreaming though. PR, my best friend, just laughs and tells me I should just give it up. CS my other friend (I only really have two) she doesn't say anything. I don't think she likes LL at all, but CS's kind of different. She's cool though. She writes for the school paper and she's the first girl that I ever kissed. Well, she kissed me up in my fortress. It was nice and she was really soft and smelled real pretty.

I'm feeling really weird tonight. I want to run or something. I'm just too afraid I won't be able to stop and then I'll end up in south America. How would I find my way home? See that's one of the freak things about me. I do these things that nobody else can. I can't tell anybody because mom and dad always tell me other people wouldn't understand, but I want to tell my friends. I don't think they hate me. I mean, it's weird but maybe they'd be okay. Mom and dad won't let me and part of me understands. I still hate it and feel alienated.

tabloidboy

Sun. 24 - 11:46 p.m.

Journaling when inebriated is probably a bad idea. But right now I just feel numb enough not to care. Last night I suppose I got what I needed but I just feel angrier. I’m sure there will indeed be pictures in the tabloids, and my father will see them of course. But where that would hsve given me some sort of satisfaction in the past, the ultimate fuck you to dear old dad, it just makes me inexplicably angrier. Like even in moments that should just be mine, or at least mine and whoever else is around and watching, somehow it will all come back to my father eventually. And now, in a few days I’m heading to fuck-knows-where just because my father says so. As if my life, my body god damn it isn’t mine at all, I just go there as I have to. To rot or simply disappear. But something has got to change. I can’t keep on going like this.

Freak4ever

Mon. 25 - 1:42 a.m.

Current Mood: frustrated

Another day

So, I was sitting in class trying not to think about the fact that CS had just told me to stop mooning over LL, when the teacher called on me. I hate being called on. I'm always afraid I'll sound stupid and everybody will laugh at me. The funny thing is, I could answer every single question she asked even though I hadn't been paying attention. Gosh, that sounds so boring.

Once I overheard these two girls T and J talking about who they would sleep with from our class. One of them mentioned my name, which made my ears perk up, then they both laughed. T said I was probably going to die a virgin. She was probably right. I mean I think about the same stuff other guys think about. I think about sex and what it would be like. I can't even talk to anybody about my fears. I'm so strong what if I break her or really hurt her bad. It scares me.

I think maybe I'll just take care of that stuff by myself, if you know what I mean. I've done it enough times already so hey a life-time doesn't sound so bad.

Now I've made myself all depressed. I hate being me sometimes. I'm going to go see if mom made some pie.

Mon. 25 - 9:16 a.m.

Current Mood: angry

I'm so mad!

My dad is so not fare. It wasn't my fault! I didn't mean to break the posts. I try so hard to be careful. I feel like running again, but I can't because I have to do chores. How do you make words do that bold thing on here?

So I was doing chores and as you can tell I broke something. Dad was so mad. He even yelled at me. Mom told him to cool off but not before he used it as an excuse to point out what would have happened if it had been a person. I'm shaking so hard right now. Shoot, I just punched a hole in the wall. CRAP. I hate my life!

I need an icon that shows how mad I am. Mom's calling I have to go.

Mon. 25 - 11:50 p.m.

Current Mood: angry

More things

So, dad is still not talking to me. He's being such an ass. I shouldn't say that about my dad I know, but what am I supposed to do. I tried to fix things but I only made them worse. Mom ran interference. So, I'm out here in the loft. I was surfing the net for a while, but that got kind of boring. So I thought I'd just make a fast post. I want to try to do this on a regular basis since I'll be writing essays a lot for the next few months, especially once school gets going.

I saw LL again today. When I walked by her in the hallway I tripped over my feet. It was so embarrassing. I tried to run but I couldn't because I felt sick to my stomach. She looked at me, at least. Except it was a pity look. Not really what I was hoping for. I can't seem to get near her without tripping. I feel all queasy whenever she's near me. She's so pretty. God I wish I could touch her hair, and hold her in my arms. She's really tiny compared to me. I'm a big clumsy ox, all long arms and legs and these freakish huge hands.

I've never had a girlfriend before. My best friend PR has a new one ever other week. I don't know how he does it. He tells me that he's just having fun, but I don't think I could do it like that. I want something serious and long lasting. Something like I read about in my mom's women's magazine. I sneak the magazine sometimes just to get insight into women, but I still don't understand half the stuff in there. I don't think I was meant to understand. PR tells me to just go with it and stop thinking so much. I feel like such an alien.

This weird thing happened right after dinner. I washed the dishes while my dad and mom relaxed in the living room. I overheard everything they said even with the water running. Mom was trying to convince my dad to talk to me. She made this comment about how I'm a good kid. He agreed but didn't get up to come see me. I heard them again just like the other time. I still haven't told them about my hearing going all crazy. I'm too afraid to. I'm already enough of a freak this just adds to it. I don't know what to do. Wow I guess I had way more to say than I thought. This is kind of really nice. It works better than I thought it would. Um, well, I have to go to bed now. Chores to do in the morning. Bye for now.

grlf_reporting

Wed. 27 - 11:59 a.m.

Current Mood: excited

Ambitious young reporter seeks fresh new start

A reporter always starts with the facts, and here they are:

I'm starting this journal after giving a code to my RL friend CK. I had another journal, but I probably won't write in it anymore now that he knows about it. I talked a little bit too much about him in my old LJ and now I need a place I can go to just ramble and vent without it raising any eyebrows. So I'm just going to keep this one to myself, instead of sharing it with my friends. It'll be my little secret.

Though I should get to see CK's entries, so this could be interesting... (When he redeemed the invite code I gave him, as always, it provided me with the username he chose, but of course, he doesn't know that ;)

I've been on LJ for a little while, but this is as good a time as any to start a new journal because along with my friends CK and PR, I will be entering high school next month! My two closest friends in the world (who are both guys and are also best friends with each other) are terrified, but not me! I cannot wait!

The main reason I am so overjoyed about this rise into the world of teenage angst we call high school is because I am going to be running the school newspaper!

Can you say Editor-in-Chief? I know I can :)

This is a golden opportunity to establish myself as a serious journalist over the next four years! CK might even work for me, doing articles and that sort of thing. *wicked grin* Not only does that mean I'll get to work him to the bone, but I'll get to see him all the time too! I get my own office and they've told me I can move into it tomorrow!

So yeah, I'm just about the happiest person in the world right now :)

 2:36 a.m.

Current Mood: determined

New Editor-in-Chief Girl Friday moves into office

I moved into my office today! It was a day long endeavour, but it was so exhilarating to actually be setting up shop as editor for my very own newspaper (so to speak, anyway)! Readership at the high school level is at least triple what it was at my junior high, so I'll be getting a minimum of three times the circulation! This means major exposure as a young up-and-coming serious journalist, which also means I'll have an impressive resume with some extensive credentials by time I get to college and establish myself there! After that, it's off to the major metropolitan newspaper of my dreams! This is one small step for me, one giant leap for my career! Okay, so that may be a tad overdramatic, but I have my own office and everything! I've already begun to customize my working environment with some personal touches. I have this collection of news clippings I call the Wall of Weird; it's basically a way of keeping tabs on all the strange phenomena that occurs in my sordid little town (which as an investigative reporter, I, of course, find infinitely fascinating)! It's the very first of my additions that make the office space my own. Why shouldn't I get comfortable? I'm going to be there for the next four years and I am in charge, after all! *grins enormously*

When I got home tonight, I decided to finally check out CK's LJ, since I have not had a chance to do so yet. (I've been so busy with preparing to move into my new office that I just have not had time to visit his journal, though the curiosity has been killing me!) First thing I see is his most recent entry which was a single sentence long, because he had to announce with a pathetic degree of happiness that LL said "hi" to him in the hallway at school on Tuesday. It figures that would be what he'd write about there! I just rolled my eyes and closed the browser window before I could read any more of it. He has always had a crush on her, and I've never understood why. She's a cheerleader, and her very popular boyfriend is on the football team. *snicker* So classic! Ugh! CK needs to buy a major clue!

On that note, I'm definitely going to bed.

FYI: Though I am so not eager to be reading about how LL is the most wonderful little ice princess in the world and that he only has eyes for her, I am undeterred and I will be returning to read his LJ tomorrow. I just don't have the stomach for it tonight ;}

 11:39 a.m.

Current Mood: surprised

Girl Friday explores Secret LJ Land

Wow! I'm at lunch (in my new ultra-professional Editor's office!) and I started reading CK's journal! I'm amazed at how much I didn't know about him! I'm learning so much more about him, and it's the most awesome thing! I never imagined!

Okay, my crack journalistic instincts made me suspicious, but this is really unexpected!

I am kind of hurt that he hasn't told me any of this before, because we are super close! I wonder if PR knows all this about him? Or anyone, for that matter?

Oh, and I gakked this from him: (I'd give his username, but a good reporter never reveals her sources, especially when some of the information is confidential. Sorry. It's not really necessary for me to mention his LJ ID anyway because he doesn't know about this new secret journal of mine, anyway. So it's not like he's going to criticize me for not giving him the credit.)

Okay, that's kind of accurate.
But Fuschia is definitely not my color!
I think I wear more red than anything.
It's the color of passion after all.

Boy, I am such a geek! LOL! :)

More on my readings about CK later!

Question: I'm kinda feeling guilty about reading all this in his journal without his permission or knowledge. At the same time, I know I don't mean any harm by it. I'm just curious and he knows my inquisitive temperament runs rampant all the time, but I'd hope he also knows how much I care about him and that I would never betray his confidence... I'm so torn, all of a sudden.

Fri. 29 - 5:53 p.m.

Current Mood: guilty

Lost reporter finds journalistic conscience

*frowns self-critically*

So, here's the deal:

After skimming through CK's entries and glimpsing his truly personal side, I've come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be snooping.

Okay, sue me! I'm a born reporter! It's in my nature to be crafty...

But I have to say I feel really lousy about this now. I think that it's okay to be curious but not to the point where it's sneaky, and just feels so underhanded and wrong.
He can trust me with his secrets, and I really want him to share them with me, but I don't want to know at the expense of our friendship. I'd never let anything get in the way of that, and so I'm doing something that as a reporter I vowed I would never do, but I'm going to look the other way and pretend I don't know anything at all (which basically I don't, and I'm still left with my suspicions only I have a little more evidence to support them). In all my nosy excitement, I forgot part of what responsible journalism means, especially when you apply that responsible part to everything else in your life.

I'm not going to tell CK that I visited his journal, or even that I know about it, and I resolve not to take advantage of the fact that I know about it again.

Guilt was already eating away at me as it was. Then, I returned to my new office after my last class and logged on to read more, and the first thing I saw was that he had posted a new entry. I felt way worse when I read that he wrote so nicely about me, and it swayed whatever part of my conscience that was still lingering on the selfish and overly inquisitive side.

That was it. That finally convinced me. I admit I was wrong.

FYI: What little I saw of his LJ did not affect how I feel about him in the slightest, but it did affect how I felt about myself, so let this be a lesson to me in the future to curb my investigative temperament that so often runs away with me.

Freak4ever

Fri. 29 - 8:59 a.m.

Current mood: cheerful

Update

I haven't been around much in the last few days since I've been so busy with chores.

So, dad's finally talking to me again. He's acting like nothing happened and we didn't even talk about it. I prefer it that way since it just makes me feel uncomfortable. Mom was all happy and made all kinds of cool stuff for breakfast. I ate all of it, just to make her even happier. I really like making her happy. She's such a good mom. Especially with all that she has to put up with. (mainly me)

I'm thinking of telling them about my hearing. I'm not sure what to do. I mean on the one hand it's pretty cool but on the other hand it just proves how much of a freak I am.

On the football team side of things. I'm gong to ask my dad again. Maybe he's changed his mind. If I plead with him maybe he'll realize how much I need this. I need to be able to do something normal.

I saw LL again today. She seemed kind of down. I wanted to go talk to her, ask what was wrong but I felt queasy again when I went near her. I don't understand it. Is this what love feels like? I thought I was going to be sick all over her shoes. sigh yet another embarrassing moment for me. A few of the football players were there. They laughed at me and when WF and LL walked away, DR and MH pushed me against the lockers and threatened me. I wasn't scared or anything because when LL was gone I got my strength back. But again, I had to pretend. Oh well, at least if they follow through on the threat I won't get hurt.

Sometimes high school is just a great big pain.

On a good note, CS moved into the school newsroom. It was so nice watching her be all happy. She looked all glowy and stuff. I have to admit, seeing my friends happy makes me happy. She wouldn't even let me help so I just sat back and watched. I'm probably going to do something on it, not sure what yet. Maybe edit. I'd like that.

I also joined the chess club. I know, only geeks join that. What can I say, I guess I'm a geek.

grlf_reporting

Sat. 30 - 1:00 p.m.

Current Mood: geeky

New office gets restructured, revamped

It's Saturday and I'm at school.

Could I be any more of a geek? LOL!

I'm still organizing my new office and decorating with my own personal touches. This stuff is what makes the Editor's office mine, after all :)

Btw, today I'm totally relieved that my overwhelming urge to pry into CK's personal thoughts via his journal has passed. I'm completely over it!

So speaking of CK, he came in here to visit me this morning, because he knew I'd be here. (It's scary how well he knows me sometimes.) That was a nice surprise this morning. Just as I predicted, he asked if he could work on the newspaper. He wants to edit, and maybe I'll let him do some editing for me, but I told him I was really hoping he'd write some articles for the paper instead. He has such great potential for being a reporter, and he doesn't even realize it! I see it in him though. He has a real knack for it, and I know, because I glimpsed that natural talent when he did a few articles for me when I ran our junior high's newspaper. (I had to do some major persuading to get him to do those, and it was like pulling teeth, but the payoff was terrific!) Anyway, he said he'd think about it. I know him, and that's as good as a yes :)

Well, I still have plenty of work to do getting this place fixed up and ready to run like a well-oiled machine. I'm going to finish setting up my Wall of Weird (which I'll talk about in some detail later when I have more time), and I have some modifications I want to make to this computer so it is better equipped to my high standards of satisfaction.

That's all for now.

This is Girl Friday reporting.