The Smallville Diaries - Week August 31 - Sept 6, 2003

Mon 01

Freak4ever

6:57 p.m.

Current mood: depressed

Confused

Most of the time I feel fine. I'm happy with things the way they are, but sometimes I want to see things beyond the confines of the little town I live in. I had a really nice day at school today and no LL did not smile at me. I just had such a great time with my two best friends. We hung out in the school paper's office for a while just talking about things. Nothing big, just normal everyday things, and I just loved how my two best friends CS and PR made me feel normal just by being them. It's so weird. I think I've been basking in it all day. The one thing I want more than anything else in the world is to be normal. To be like everybody else. I don't want people to look at me. I'm kind of big and awkward looking anyway. I really hate my body sometimes. It's huge. Big clumsy hands and even bigger clumsy feet.

I trip over them so many times in one day it isn't even funny anymore. I'm talking about this now because I almost fell on CS in the office. I zigged and she zagged and before I knew it I was grabbing onto her hips. It was so awkward. I've never really touched a girl in the way a boyfriend touches a girlfriend. It was kind of nice. She was really warm and stuff.

I feel kind of dumb talking like this. It's so silly, but I think of her as a sister and I would never hurt her on purpose. I think I did. She made this yelping sound and then she flinched. For half an hour she insisted she was fine but I caught her rubbing her hip where I'd grabbed it. I was so scared that I'd hurt her. I don't have anybody to talk to about this.

I'm never going to date. I think it's safer if I just keep my hands to myself.

I'm so confused.

10:22 p.m.

Current mood: indescribable

Holy Cow!

I have had the most bizarre day of my entire life.

It started off fine. I got up the nerve to ask my dad if I could join the football team. He turned me down flat. I almost barfed all over LL's shoes at school, (more embarrassment for me). :) My best friend PR got to join the team so I watched him at practice until I couldn't take it any more.

I walked home and stopped at the bridge. You wouldn't believe what happened next! One minute I'm staring down at the water and then the next minute I hear screeching tires. I look up to find a car hurtling at me. It was going really fast. The guy driving looked terrified. Then Bam, he hit me and we fell into the water. I was so scared but all I could think about was helping the driver.

I dived down and pulled the hood off. I don't even remember how I did it. I got us both out onto the shore and gave him mouth to mouth.

Thankfully, I managed to save him before I fainted. I mean I was just hit by a car! All I could think was holy cow! How the hell. It was amazing.

Anyway, when I came to the guy, who I'll call AJL from here on, was hovering over me. The sheriff was already there. How embarrassing is it that I fainted in front of this guy. He was really nice about it and kept thanking me over and over. The only thing was, he kept staring at me. I couldn't tell if he was still wondering if he'd hit me even though I told him I was standing off to the side.

Dad came to get me. He wasn't happy when he showed up. On the way home we didn't talk at all. He was really mad but I couldn't tell if he was mad at me or if he was mad at AJL. Although why he would be mad at somebody I saved is beyond me. I'll never figure out my dad.

It's kind of late now. I haven't really had time to think about what it all means. I mean I can't be hurt and I saved somebody's life! I think it was the coolest thing to ever happen to me. I just know things are going to change for the better from here on out.

I have to go to sleep now. Maybe more later. I have to think about this.

Tues 02

tabloidboy

12:01 a.m.

Yesterday I died.

I've faced death before. Seen the sky collapse around me, seen my mother fade away. But facing death and actually dying are two totally different experiences. I was flying, I was gone, done with this world, having wasted the time I was given here. Gone, swallowed by the water and flying in the sky all at once.

Then suddenly on borrowed breath I was pulled back, opened my eyes to see an angel pulling me back, yanking me down from my flight into death. But soon I saw that my angel was a boy, an impossibly beautiful boy, all wet flannel and denim and heartbreaking look in his eyes. I could still taste him on my lips, mixed with river water, from where he had shared his breath with me.

I suppose it doesn't say much for my salvation that once my breathing returned to normal my first thought was that I wanted to fuck him.

But he seemed so shaken up himself. Haunted in this way I can't explain. He actually passed out for a moment, lying there like he was dead, my beautiful angel, and I was alive. When it should have been me who was dead. I wanted to wake him but all I could do was watch.

There has to be a reason I was given this second chance, something I need to live for now. It's like I'm not even the same person I was. But why on earth would fate choose to save me, to give me a second chance, me of all people? Especially when at every other turn its set out to destroy me.

And here's an even better question. How? How the hell did that boy save me? Beautiful as he is, does that give him the power to survive being run into at sixty miles an hour, and then to pull the roof off my car like a fucking sardine can? He said I didn't hit him but I saw it. I did. And I'm not ready to doubt my sanity, even at the word of an angel.

If you can't tell already, I like being in control, and I've never felt so out of control in my life. Yet the strangest thing is, it's kind of thrilling, exhilarating. Like I am perpetually flying off that bridge, eyes locked with the most beautiful boy in the universe.

Freak4ever

11:40 p.m.

Current mood: depressed

More weird stuff

So I had another crazy day. I was robbed twice today.

I had the most important illusion taken away from me. But before I talk about that...

I had a truck for about two minutes. That guy I saved sent me a truck to pay me back for saving him. My dad made me give it back. Well, actually he made me decide, but what else was I supposed to decide when my dad was going on and on about how evil AJL's father is. I mean, it's not like the son is just like the dad. Right?

It turned out to be kind of interesting though, so I'm glad my dad made me do it.

AJL lives in a castle. He's kind of mocking about it though. It's not really his choice. His dad sent him to the town. He's supposed to save the plant that hires most of the people in town. It's kind of freaky. I would be so nervous if I was responsible for so many people, but AJL handles it so well.

He handles a lot of things so well, as I've come to discover. When I met him for the first time he was dead, and today when I went to return the truck (which was a sweet ride btw) he threw a sword at my head. Well, near my head.

I decided after talking to him that if I couldn't keep the truck, I could make a friend out of him. He said all this stuff about us being friends, and nothing standing in our way. I'm sure he was talking about my dad.

Anyway so I lost the truck, but gained a friend. I'm really looking forward to getting to know him. He seems really interesting. I bet he's been all over the world and done all kinds of stuff.

You're probably wondering what that other thing is that I was talking about. Well, now I know why I'm not normal. It totally sucks. I will never ever be a normal person. I can't even think it let alone write it in here. This is supposed to be where I tell all those things I can't tell anybody else. It's the biggest secret anybody has ever had to hold. I hate lying but I realize I do it every single day of my life. Heck, I had to do it after I saved AJL's life. What was I supposed to say. 'oh, by the way, I can't be killed' That goes over well.

I'm not going to dwell, and I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm going to concentrate on other things.

LL actually had a long conversation with me. It was in a cemetery, but at least she talked to me. It was really nice. She even kissed me on the cheek. Which was really nice.

I feel kind of lonely tonight. It's weird now that I know that thing about myself that I didn't know before. It just changes everything. I have to go. This just totally sucks.

Wed. 03

tabloidboy

1:01 p.m.

Current Mood: pensive

As I’m sure you can tell by now, I have a penchant for the dramatic. I don’t like to do things small. And dying and being saved is no small matter.

So I thought that a grand gesture was due. To thank my angel for saving me, I bought him a truck. Really to me it wasn’t that much, the money nothing at all. But I love cars, they are more than just possessions to me. They provide freedom and…control. And we all know how I feel about control. Anyway, I thought it was fitting.

He returned the truck. Apparently his father does not like me. Or rather, does not like my father. This is no great surprise to me. Most people don’t like my father. He’s not very likeable. And many people have trouble separating me from my father.

I’d like to think though that my angel doesn’t share his father’s opinion of me. Something in his eyes suggested he didn’t. There’s something about him… Well, I can’t put my finger on it. I just feel different when I’m around him. Like there’s a buzzing in the air.

I told him we have a destiny together. As I said, I’m not one for keeping things subtle. Perhaps I scared him, but you know, I don’t think I did. There was a light in his eye, and I really wonder about him…

grlf_reporting

5:07 p.m.

Current Mood: hungry

Lull follows Labor Day weekend

Monday was a total blast!

CK and PR came to visit me in my office (since I've barely been home in like a week). I was ecstatic, because we had so much fun, and they didn't even seem to mind spending most of the day at school on our first day off just to hang out!

We laughed and talked for hours! (As a result, I didn't get any work done, but I didn't really care. Especially since it was the most relaxed and together we've been since school started. It was also the most time CK had spent around me since I moved into my office for the paper.)

The only downside was a minor injury I suffered when CK fell on me *blushes* It was fun while it lasted, but in the aftermath, it just hurt. I went home and checked to see why it was throbbing so badly, and he grabbed me so hard when he almost went down that he left a handprint-sized bruise on each hip! *evil smirk* I wish there were a more interesting story to how I got those ;)

LOL! J/K! I'm way too young to even think about that, much less do it... well, okay, maybe I'm not too young to think it. Hey, I maybe young, but I'm no angel! I never said I was innocent! Oh, I can imagine the look on CK's face if he knew I had such a dirty mind!
Hey, I'm a reporter, not a sanitation commissioner! I like dirt :)

Then there was Tuesday and now today... *sigh*
It's been really quiet! Boring almost!

The biggest bit of news was that a corporate hotshot came into town Monday night, and this means two things to me:

1) Opportunity! Can you say interview?! You better believe I'm going to try! I could make or break my career by getting an exclusive with this guy! Though, that really is the fantasy talking, because I probably couldn't even get connected to the guy who would connect me to his secretary he tells to hold all his calls. Well, a young ambitious reporter can dream, can't she?!

2) My Dad will be overworked and home even less than he is now, because he manages the business that this Daddy's boy is here to run. I love my Dad and I hate that he's never around because he always has to do something at his job. That's what happens when you are in charge, I guess. All problems put you on the line and become your responsibility. (Ironically, I'm looking forward to tackling those kinds of details when it comes to the paper, and seeing to it that they don't arise in the first place... I suppose I'm a lot like my Dad in more ways than I thought.) It is good news, however, because if it weren't for this man of some significant celebrity coming in, then my Dad (as well as a few thousand others) would probably be losing his job soon since the place isn't doing too hot.

So this could be a blessing in major disguise, but otherwise, it just means local controversy. *perks up* That's music to the ears of certain local journalists, i.e. me! So this guy's entrance alone (as he rides in like some knight on a white horse and sporting fancy armour) will probably make my first headline! Obviously, any news is big news where I live.

Richie Rich aside, I'm worried about CK.

Yesterday and today, he was really distant. I don't think I've ever seen him so depressed! Something is really bugging him, and my instincts are telling me it's so much more than just his Dad not letting him join the football team.

Who wants to be on the football team, when you can write for the school paper, anyway?! ;) Now, the very selfish side of me speaking, maybe he'll agree to write some articles for me... I will admit that if he had been able to get on the team, I would've gone to every game just to see him play.

No kidding, though. I think something is definitely up. There may even be something really wrong, but he hasn't spoken to anyone about it. Our mutual friend PR told me that CK has been acting very removed and off lately. I really hope he is okay. I wish he would just come out and talk to me about it.
He knows he can talk to me, and that I would do anything I could to help.

This has proved my first real test about respecting his privacy, because out of concern for him, I've been so tempted to just go to his LJ and see if he's posted anything about it. You'll be happy to know I passed that little test with flying colors!
(Although, I was really conflicted, just because I want to know everything is alright since I am so worried about him.)

Well, that's an awfully big update, so I'm going to close this here, and head home to see if my Dad is there and get something to eat, because I'm starving! (I probably shouldn't have skipped lunch, but I had story assignments to organize and distribute.)

This is Girl F reporting and signing off for the day.

redhotmama

7:32 p.m.

Current Mood: bored

Current Music: N'sync(shh ,don't tell anyone)

Something new for me

It seems that everyone and their mother is doing this. Well, I decided to join in the fun.

Today was not a good day at all. I am really trying to be a good wife and be supportive of my husband but he is really getting on my last nerve. He is so bull-headed! I think he rides my son way too hard. He is a child. He should be having fun. I understand that he is "special" but damn it let him live for a little bit. Playing football cant be that bad. I'm sure that "C" can control himself.

9:56 p. m.

Current Mood: uncomfortable

I hate my life

So one of the reasons for joining the football team was so PR and I wouldn't be chosen as this years scarecrow. Let me just tell you a bit about this little tradition.

Every year a freshman is chosen by the football team. He's taken out to R ___ Field and strung up on a cross in nothing but his boxers with a red letter es painted on his chest.

Why am I talking about this? Well, this year WF, DJ and RT decided it was my turn to play scarecrow. I was already in a bad mood when I ran into them. CS and PR had just finished telling me the worst news I'd ever heard, and it all had to do with me. I destroy everything around me. I've always thought this and now I know it's true. Everything is my fault. People are suffering because of me.

Normally I could fight them off because I'm so strong, but I couldn't this time. It was so weird. One minute I was fine and then the next I was as week as a kitten. It happened right after WF put LL's necklace around my neck. He was mad at me for talking to his girlfriend. I tried to tell him that we're just friends, but he wouldn't listen.

They dragged me out and stripped me. God. It was horrible! I was so scared and it hurt so much. I tried to fight back, I really did, but WF wouldn't listen. Eventually I just gave up, and stopped struggling. It felt like I hung out there forever. And then this guy, JC, came along. He was the scarecrow the year this really bad thing happened in the town. Anyway, he just left me there.

It felt like I was going to die. I cried for help. I was pretty sure nobody was going to hear me, but somebody did. AJL found me. I couldn't believe it. He untied me and the necklace fell off. I was so lucky. I was too shocked to stick around though. I ran to stop JC from hurting my friends.

I stopped him and I got back at the jocks for what they did. I know it was kind of childish, but I did it anyway. It made me feel a little better.

Anyway, I missed the dance since I was kind of tied up at the time.

Thurs 04

freak4ever

9:34 a.m.

Current Mood: confused

sigh

Just when I thought I couldn't be any more of a freak, something new happens. I had this dream. Anyway when I woke up I wasn't exactly still on my bed. It's too weird and I have no clue how I did it.

Why can't I just be normal like every other kid? It's not fare! I hate it.

At least LL was in my dream, only she said everything was my fault. Totally not something she'd ever do in RL but what do I know. She only started paying attention to me a few days ago, and I really haven't talked to her that often. Probably won't be after what her boyfriend did to me. I hope she doesn't find out what happened. That would suck. It kind of hurt that I would dream that.

I heard my parents talking about me again.

More later.

6:46 p.m.

Current Mood: chipper

Well, I had another super fun day.

The first thing I had to deal with, when I went to farmers market this morning, was WF. As much as I would love to tell somebody about what he did to me, I'm just too ashamed and embarrassed. I don't want my parents finding out about it, and I don't want the whole town to know. It's a small town, and I've already been called enough names to my face without having more added to the list.

It was kind of annoying to listen to my dad go on and on about how great WF is on the field. If my dad would let me play then maybe he could brag about me, but no, instead he has to dote on the town star. If I sound bitter, it's because I am. He had everything I want: a normal life, LL, and he's star of the football team.

It sucks to be me.

At least LL noticed I wasn't at the dance. That's something, isn't it? Who am I kidding, she's definitely not looking at me *that way*. triple sigh.

Oh well. I got see AJL, and that was kind of nice. He noticed me noticing her. I have a feeling he's the type of guy who pays close attention. I'm going to have to be extra careful around him.

He really seems to care even though he hardly knows me. I told him I want to forget: just pretend as if it didn't happen. I think he took me seriously. At least I hope he did. I really don't want my mom and dad finding out about it. That would suck big time.

It's just my luck that on the way home from the market I end up saving WF's life. Yup, the same guy who strung me up in the field. ( I can talk about it here, but I will NOT tell anybody about it. AJL doesn't treat me any differently but maybe that's because he doesn't really know me yet.)

So, I saved WF's ass, (sorry I don't usually swear but I can't help it) and when we got home my mom was shaking so hard.

I wasn't hurt at all. I also told my dad about what happened this morning. I could tell he was really freaked out even though he tried to hide it. I mean he told me we'd figure it out but there isn't really a 'we'. This is happening to me, and I am so freaked out.

I'm supposed to go over to AJL's castle soon. He ordered produce from my family farm. I think it's the perfect chance to get to know him better. I'm looking forward to that, even though dad cursed (I heard it all the way from my loft without my special hearing) a huge paragraph when he found out. Maybe he can give me advice, AJL I meant, about LL. I'm pretty sure he's touched a girl.

Geeze, I sound like a total geek.

Off to meet AJL. :)

These mood things are neat. (more geekitude)

tabloidboy

8:55 p.m.

Anyone who says small towns are innocent places knows little of human nature. People can be cruel, and I won't say that youth can be the cruelest because adults have had time to hone their skills.

But teens do have a way of elevating "innocent" hazing to biblical proportions.

Yesterday I found my angel crucified in a field. No, he was not literally nailed to a cross, he was just tied to it by his schoolmates like a scarecrow. He was almost naked, which in any other circumstances... but even I am not so depraved as to feel anything but horror at such a sight. Especially as I have seen it before.

There is something I haven’t mentioned yet about the specific location of my exile. I've been here before, once, when I was nine. It was here that my life changed forever and I was made a freak. The irony--and cruelty--of my father exiling me to this town specifically has not escaped me. If there was one place that I would like never to go back to, one sight I hope never to see again...

So finding my angel hanging there, like an image ripped directly from my memory--it makes me even more certain that everything has a purpose and a pattern. I haven't figured it out yet, but i will.

grlf_reporting

11:37 a. m.

Current Mood: chipper

Local jerks rampant, CK taking brunt

So yesterday actually started to yield some action!

Coincidently enough, most of my news revolves around CK:

When CK and PR came by after school, I was just about to leave for home. CK was particularly interested in this one story I had been tracking, because it seems some very bad things have been going on in this sordid little town recently, and he gravitated to the news like a moth to the proverbial flame! (His innate penchant for reporting is so strong that he's completely oblivious to it, but I'll make a journalist of him yet.)

While they were here, I unveiled my Wall of Weird!
(Since it was still mostly under construction, I had it covered until yesterday, so they hadn't seen it the times they had come to visit me.) I am so proud of it, and it seemed to make an impression...

Okay, so maybe they think I'm just as weird as my wall, but the Wall of Weird is about everything macabre and fascinating that has happened in this area in the last decade or so. I started collecting news clippings when I was a little girl and put them all in a scrapbook, then that just sort of mutated into something so much bigger. It's my dark little obsession!

Everything supernatural or with the slightest edge of the paranormal or bizarre or unexplained is on that Wall now, and I've invested my heart and soul into it, just like I have my future career, and this office now too.

Alright, so I'm more Mulder than Scully, but you have to admit, there's something irresistible about a good mystery, and exploring them is the essence of investigative journalism. Oh, yeah, I'm well on my way to my dream job (or the nuthouse, depending on your point-of-view) ;)

Here's the strange thing though. When I asked CK what he thought, he seemed... disturbed by it almost. I don't know how to describe it. I really hope I didn't make him uncomfortable. He was just acting so off and then he just rushed out of the office, muttering something that didn't make any sense.

I really am worried about him.

What makes it worse is that I found out, as much as he tried to avoid it happening, he got singled out to be this year's scarecrow. (That's where a group of guys from the football team jockocracy grab some poor kid and tie him to a cross in the middle of a certain notorious local cornfield, and they do this every year, and this time, unfortunately, CK was their victim of choice.) I just know that he was chosen because he has that major crush on the head jock's girlfriend.

That brings me to my last of my current updates, which would be the dance last night. I would be lying if I said I hadn't wanted CK to ask me. In fact, I did lie to PR when he asked me about it. Alright, so I suffered a miniscule case of denial! Sue me!

I know CK probably would have wanted to take his crush, though... That is, if the guy she's going out with hadn't strung him up in the cold half the night! The jerk!... Okay, editorial rant over :)

I might head over to CK's after school... just to see how he's doing, because he hasn't seemed like he's feeling so hot at all this week. The last few days have probably been one big bummer for him, and he's totally exhibiting classic symptoms of the blues.

There is a lot of work to do!
I have a paper to run, and there's major news about the latest questionable incidents around here, so I'd better hop on it before I get scooped by some other paper.

This is Girl Friday reporting on her lunch break.

lions_den

9:27 a. m.

Current Mood: worried

Current Music: Vicious Beauty - Pansy Division

This is a bad day to start a journal. My son got hit in a car accident - not a new thing, but always worrying. Luckily he wasn't injured. I'd rather not call him or visit to see if he's alright, he will only assume I'm not trusting him. It was just his first day in the new town he moved to; what a rotten way to start.

Well, I suppose it can only get better for him. I was told his life was saved by a certain boy I know, and this... is indeed very intriguing.

I knew things would be interesting when I sent him to work there. His destiny will start somewhere in that town, I'm sure of it.

You may ask yourselves why I am talking so much about him when this is my journal? Well, my son is my life. Everything I do and work for is for him to have a better life, a better future. So he will star in this journal quite a lot.

In a way, it would prevent him from recognising me if he ever stumbles upon this site, since he believes I don't care one bit about him and do my best to harm him. He doesn't see the big picture, but that works in my favour.

Well, I'm getting more personal that I thought I would, and it's time for me to leave. This, live journal, was an interesting experiment... and I like to experiment.

~Li

Sept 5

freak4ever

3:31 p.m.

Current Mood: exhausted

another manic day for the freakboy

So lead seems to block the effects of the stone that's in LL's necklace.

AJL took the necklace from the field and gave it to me to give to LL. He says I should tell her what her boyfriend did to me but that's just not the way I want to win her. I wouldn't feel right about it.

I was wrong about AJL not telling anybody. He told LL. I'm kind of disappointed that he did, but she thought it was a nice thing for a friend to do. She's probably right. I don't know. It's not like she dumped her boyfriend. In fact, while I was fighting off this crazy guy he was saving her from the crazy guy's cocoon. Don't ask.

At least now I know why I always felt queasy around her. sigh.

Very busy day. Saw a dead body. I wasn't really grossed out since I was too busy worrying about LL. Not that it helped.

In the end I just left the necklace on her front porch. I think I'd rather win her the fair way.

I'm really tired.

tabloidboy

11:20 p.m.

My angel has a crush. She’s quite beautiful. Long dark hair, soulful eyes. You know the type. He seems quite taken with her. But she has a boyfriend. And her boyfriend is one of the boys who strung my angel up in the field.

High school romance has never been sweeter.

Still, my angel deserves to be happy. I’m doing what I can to help him.

So I gave him a gift. Part to give her—a necklace she had lost. Part for him. A box of my mother’s. I have few things of my mother’s. I thought he might not accept it. But he did. I think he might have understood.

There are little pieces of mystery all around him. Things that seem so clear and yet make no sense. And when I’m near him, I notice them all, but I can’t put them together because he’s so close. He smells fresh, like the air here. I find myself just taking him in. Memorizing him.

It’s an unfamiliar feeling. When I’m with him it’s like I don’t recognize myself at all.

grlf_reporting

11:34 a.m.

Current Mood: rushed

Girl Friday's lunchtime rundown

Almost got caught writing my entry yesterday when PR busted into my office.
So now I've begun locking the door, but only on my lunch break, because the office has to be open as many hours as possible to keep this well-oiled machine running smoothly.

The only real news I have to report at the moment is CK's bold and selfless rescue of the football player who made him this year's scarecrow. That's right; "Jerk Jock Rescued By Helpless Boy He Hazed the Night Before: Film at 11!"

*shakes head* That's CK for you! Sometimes he's so good that it's unreal! He wears the badge of humanity better than anyone I've ever known. Gotta love him :)

Oh, my cousin called me from the city! (She just started her freshman year at the most prestigious University in the state!) LL... No, that's no good... There are way too many LLs around here. Screw it! I'll just call her by her first name. Not like anyone here knows her anyway. I mean, she grew up in the big city over a hundred miles away, for Pete's sake!

So, Lois called me last night and I might go visit her next weekend. I'm always going there to see her, because she never has time to come here. She's going to be a reporter, and a great one at that!
I guess that runs in the family, but then again, she and I have always been pretty close. If I ever had anyone who came close to being a sister, it would be her without a doubt! The inside joke between us is that instead of blood, we both have newspaper ink running through our veins! LOL!

This is Girl Friday reporting and rushing off to eat now.

lions_den

4:38 a.m.

You'd think one gets used to being hated by everyone. But it hurts anew every time. Of course, you can use your pain and their scorn, derive power from it, make the hurt your weapon. But still.

And when it's your own son... the entire town, hell, the entire state can hate me if they like, but my own precious son.

I hope his hate and pain will make him strong, like my hate and pain help me overcome my weaknesses.

~Li

6:12 a.m.

Current Mood: amused

In regards to what a certain someone said about me in a certain forum:

This is all I have to say.

8:51 am

In the past, my son had had an accident. It left both physical and emotional marks, which he is dwelling on instead of trying to move on. I try to push him in the right direction, to healing, and I had hoped his return to the scene of the accident would help in that. Instead, he just persists on reliving the trauma.

Poor boy.

He should look more into his future. And drink less. Drive slower. Not look that way at high school boys whose father owns a shotgun.

"Things my son should do." Heh.

Lucky I have people looking after him.

~Li

Sept 6

freak4ever

10:40 p.m.

Current Mood: dorky

weird dream

Last night I had a dream. It wasn't like the other one I had where I was flying. This one was kind of a nightmare. I was in the cornfield and I couldn't move. When I looked down I saw that I was back on the cross again. The guys who strung me up where there, and they were just standing there and laughing at me. I didn't tell anybody this at all (not even AJL) but one of the guys whispered something in my ear when they were taking off my clothes. He called me a fag.

All I was thinking at the time was how cold it was, and how if I was left there maybe I'd die. In the dream WF told me that this wouldn't be happening if I hadn't tried to make time with his girlfriend, but the other two laughed and called me that name again.

After they left me there I had a lot of time to think. In the dream AJL finds me again but this time he just stands there and looks at the me. He said 'you lied to me' and then he walked away.

I hate lying to everybody around me. I'm not who they think, but it's not something I can ever tell any of them.

When I woke up the same thing happened again that happened the other night after my floating dream. The bed was already broken from the first time thought so all I did was make a loud noise. My mom came running into my room, which kind of made me mad. She didn't even knock. What if I'd been doing something else. What if I'd been getting dressed. Sheesh are all moms like that?

Anyway I wasn't but I was pretty glad I was laying on my stomach since it would have been very embarrassing. After I reassured her I was fine, she left me alone so I could take care of business, if you know what I mean. It was strange because the last thing I could remember happening in the dream was AJL shaking his head and just staring at me saying over and over again 'you lied to me'.

He's never said anything like that to me. In fact we don't talk about the accident at all since that day. All we talked about was that cool box he gave me which I have by my bed. I stare at it when I want to think. It's really cool. I haven't really told about it here or to my dad. He'd probably make me give it back. It's supposed be made from the armor of St. George, the patron saint of boy scouts. AJL seemed pretty skeptical about this. Anyway AJL has this really cool Trojan war set-up in a room on a big table. It's like one of those battlefield table thingies. I've never seen anything like it except in a museum.

He was very casual about it. I wanted to ask if he'd play army with me but it didn't seem like the kind of thing he'd do so I kept my mouth shut. Oh well. Maybe next time I'll dream we're in a battle fighting as the good guys side by side. That would be cool. Me and AJL as knights.

That would really be cool.

tabloidboy

11:36 p.m.

I'm trying to make a home for myself here, in this castle and in this town. I can fill some of the spaces with things I enjoy. Cars in the garage. Pool table in my office. I can continue to do things that fill the time. I fence, and drive, and work. It's especially easy to lose myself in work although it's an unfamiliar feeling. In the past, work -- well academic work, that is, has been private and focused. I could work in bursts of concentration. Punctuated by nights in which I lost myself in alcohol and chemicals and dark clubs. But now so many jobs depend on me. The welfare of the whole community hangs in the balance. This is no longer about me. This is about lives and families and the town's economy. And I know I can do this. I think I was made for this.

But with my father breathing down my neck...and even if he's not physically here I feel his presence in every stone of this castle...I feel trapped, like the game has been rigged, yet I have no choice but to play. But it doesn't matter that it's rigged. I'll win anyway.

The people in this town look at me like I'm another species, something completely foreign. An alien who writes their paychecks. Distrust and anger in their eyes at worst, curiosity at best. Always some type of judgement there.

Except for my angel of course. He looks at me with interest rather than curiosity. Interest and something like...appreciation. I'm not sure what he sees when he looks at me, but I seek him out just to be the recipient of that gaze. I doubt that it's specific to me -- I'm sure he makes others feel the same way. But I'll take what I can get.

grlf_reporting

01:16

Editorial disposition: productive

Editor-In-Chief burning the weekend oil!

So, I'm taking a late lunch break from getting the first issue of the paper together! *beams* (Yes, I'm at school on a Saturday again!) This issue is almost finalized, and it will be weekly once this first one is published.

It's two weeks into the school year, but hey, it's just taken a little while to get myself and my office set up and organized to function in tip top shape. After all, I needed to get my reporters secured (CK is still hesitating, but I can feel that he's going to cave soon) and get my presses in working order.

I'm proud to report that everything is up and functioning smoothly now!

CK is acting like nothing has happened the last week, or he is trying to, but I'm a reporter! I have a grapevine that would put Tom Brokaw to shame! My ear is to the ground 24/7! Just because my journalist skills are set on bloodhound doesn't mean I'm a gossip column, and to prove it, I haven't told a single soul that I know about the heroic deeds CK has performed lately. CK himself doesn't even know I heard about it, though he'd probably be surprised to learn my sources... which he never will :)

I will state, for the record, that my sources do not include his LJ!
*nods proudly* I have a will power of steel! LOL!

In other news, PR knew I was up to something that day he burst in on me when I was writing my LJ entry, and wouldn't leave me alone about it. He kept pestering me about it, and then I finally just came out and told him what it was.

Once I started, I just couldn't stop, because when I explained to him about LiveJournal, he seemed vaguely interested, and that was enough for me to pimp it out to him the way I had to CK. (I told him about my old LJ though, so I'm happy to report that this one is still my little secret.) I must have rambled on about it for an hour, and finally I encouraged him to let me give him an invite code (from my old LJ that I had been using regularly until about two weeks ago when I told CK about it).

PR caved pretty quickly. He knows better than to argue with me :) He tried to resist, but he gave up after like a minute! *grins* Resistance is futile! (God, I am such a geek! LOL!)

Time for me to get back to work!

This is Girl Friday reporting.

lions_den

03:03 pm

Current Mood: angry

Current Music: Only Happy When It Rains - Garbage

My son has very few things left to remember his mother by. Little presents she gave him during her illness, precious few items.

He just gave one of them to...

I guess I could refer to him as "his new friend".

And that friend doesn't seem to appreciate it at all. To me, everything she touched is sacred. To my son, it's a treasure. To give something like that, he must feel very deeply about his friend. Which isn't wise, but that's a whole other subject.

If the kid loses it or harms it in any way... *indistinct muttering and growling about perfectly legal things that can be done*

~Li

05:11 pm

Current Mood: cheerful

Current Music: Shanks & Bigfoot lyrics - Sweet Like Chocolate

Skipped work today. Left for an early lunch and just... never came back. Had a lovely day in town. Met with an old friend, let's call her Cinderella, and went to have ice cream together; caramel/mint/cherry. Interesting mix and lovely colours. Must remember to clean my beard after every time I delve into... ice cream.

~Li

ordinary_guy

9:57 a.m.

Current Mood: bouncy

Current Music: Remy Zero - The Golden Hum

Jeez!

Ok. I've done it. I've joined in and got one of these LJ things. My bud Clo gave me a code a while ago, and hasn't stopped goin' on about it since. Maybe this will stop her hassling me!

You reading this man? See you've finally done it and turned me into a geek!

Kidding aside though, maybe this will be a cool thing, I mean, I don't really get to talk about anything to anyone 'cept Clo recently. The only other real best bud I have is CK, and he's always disappearing on me - seems like he's not as round as much as he used to be since he made friends with LL, and I ain't talking the cute girly LL (who I'll now call L otherwise I'll confuse myself) either. That I could understand, he's been crushing on her for years anyhow, but now LL is in the picture, everything's changed.

Couldn't even come watch me play when I made the football team. Sure I'm only a sub - and on a trial - but it's better than not being able to play at all. I know CK would sign up for the team if his dad stopped giving him hassle and let him start living - his dads a nice guy an all, but he's just over protective - needs to let his son live a little. But hey - it was CK himself that decided not to come see me - so dads aside, I'm pretty pissed at that.

This feels so weird - I'm really not used to all this typing - Clo does all that stuff for me when I've done *all* the work! I'm gonna head off and try and figure out all the gadgets this LJ comes with. See if I can get my page looking a bit more homey, maybe add a coupla friends and stuff. Then I'm gonna head to town. Maybe I'll bump into someone I know.

Later

P

PS: Thanks to Abydos Gate, for the icon of Sam from SG 1 - damn she's hot!

11:22 p.m.

Current Mood: frustrated

Current Music: Nothing - but later will be Moby - probably

Urgh

Today has been really weird and urgh. I feel like crap. CK has gone off somewhere. Left me playing basketball with Whit - of all people. Who just went on and on about L. Typical. That's all anyone wants to talk to me about. CK talks about L, or LL; Clo talks about CK, or CK and L, or CK and LL; Whit talks about L, or CK and L. Urgh!

It's so damn annoying.

I mean, I know, I know - I ask for it. I tell them "come to me, I'm your man." That's just the problem. I'm no ones man.

Take today for example. I was thinkin' of maybe chilling out with CK, perhaps shooting a few hoops, then moving on down to town, having a coffee and a laugh. But no. So I say , ok cool, kill some time with Whit, then go off to see Clo - but no - she's at school - On a Saturday!! yeah that's right - school - working on her paper (she's the editor). I know she loves it, and she's all excited about her new office, and the fact that she gets to write about all the weird things that go on round here, but come on! Chill out time is a must! Plus it'd be nice to actually see her cause she's buried in paperwork half the time.

Seriously though. It's lonely. I've felt really off today. Like I didn't fit in anywhere. It's been weird. Everyone was so tight over summer. It was like the old days when we used to do everything and go everywhere with each other - me, CK and Clo, all best buds. I dunno - too many secrets flying around I reckon. Speaking of flying - not literally course, cause it's impossible - but man CK can get places quick. the other day he missed the bus to highschool, and we were like "ha! knew it would happen" he's so predictable sometimes - like how he can't get within ten feet of L without falling flat on his face - literally. Anyway, we knew he was gonna be late, but when we got to the gate, there he was - said he took a shortcut - man that guy can run - and without even breaking a sweat. He used to do it all the time when we were kids. I'd be knackered by the second game of tag, and he'd still want to keep going. Good memories, huh?

I'm gonna head off, chill out to some tunes. maybe I'll catch Clo later. If she's not buried in some assignment or something.

Talk to y'all then.

PS: Hi to my new friends - glad someone likes to listen. I've friended you back, cause well -you're insane enough to actually *want* to know what I yabber about - who am I to not return the favour? *grins*