Nov 02 - Nov 08, 2003

friends locked post

I just got back from seeing Lex. It was great!

I found him in his office lounging on the sofa. I caught a glimpse of what he was doing on his laptop. He has an LJ. I only caught part of his name I think it was tablo - then I alerted him to my presence, and he shut the lid before I could see the rest.

I don't really want to know what it is; I just thought it was so cool that he has one too. I wonder if he writes about me.

I was so excited to see him that I jumped him. It had been a long time; well, at least more than a day, since I'd last seen him. He smelled so good, and we started making out on the sofa. That is, after I pushed him into it. I couldn't stop myself. I was so excited, and he was so excited. I almost ripped his shirt off. Actually, I destroyed it I think. He didn't seem to mind.

All that kept going through my mind as I attacked him was that he was mine, and that nobody else could touch him but me. Nobody! No matter what his stupid father tried to pull.

We rolled around, and I went farther than I have ever gone. I let him pull down my pants and touch my cock. (I am blushing as I type this) it was so amazing. I loved it. I made a big mess, but he liked that. Then I flipped him over, and returned the favor. I also tasted him. I licked him all over his chest, and did this thing with his bellybutton that I'd read about. I know I left a few bruised. I am upset about that since I don't want to hurt him, but not that upset. :)

I was carried away at first because I kind of sort of left a few marks on his neck where it's not that easy to hide. At first, I didn't even realize I was doing it, and then Lex pointed out that they would be easy to see. When I realized I was marking him, I found I liked it. Now Bruce will see them, and he will know to back off.

I do trust Lex. I guess it comes down to not trusting Bruce. But I trust Lex 100 %.

We talked a bit about his meetings with jerk. I told him I trusted him. I really do. When I went to leave, I said that I loved him. He said ditto this time, which is what I expected. I know it's going to take a while for him to say the words to me again, and I totally understand that.

current mood: ecstatic

Mom and dad are gone. They went into the big city for a few days to celebrate their anniversary. They're even staying in a hotel. Which I know means they're doing stuff they wouldn't be able to do with me around.

I went into town after they left just to hang, and see who was around. Nobody was. I was surprised. I hung at the coffee shop in the hopes that maybe somebody would stop by. The only person I saw that I knew was one of the jerks that had stung me up. At least he ignored me.

I ended up drinking four cups of coffee before I gave up, and went home alone.

Last night when I went by to see Lex, he mentioned something about tabloids. I couldn't not look. The curiosity was killing me. I wish I hadn't. Right there on the cover page was this big article about Lex, and the jerk. If you think 'so what', well the article implied that the meetings were something more than just business. Which I know isn't really a surprise, but isn't there laws against slander. I mean they were pretty explicit about what they implied. Stupid media, Stupid reporters, Stupid tabloids. Hate them all.

I'm betting some of you might know what I'm talking about now. That article is hard to miss. If any of you do know what I'm talking about and have seen this article, then I guess you've seen Lex.

There were pictures too, and in one of them the jerk had his hand on the small of Lex's back like he was leading Lex somewhere. It also talked about this impromptu party that they held. Lex didn't tell me about that. It was very suggestive. I am keeping my cool. I am calm about it. I will not say a word, and I will vent here on LJ.

So why does he have to keep touching Lex? I hope he saw the marks I left. (Take that BW!)

On another note. MMMMM Apple pie. Mom made some today, and it was delicious. I loved it. Yummie.

Now I have a trillion chores to do, and then maybe I'll stop by to visit Lex. :)

current mood: determined

God, I want him. I want him so badly.
I want him to do unspeakable things to me.

And I think he wants that too.
If the bruises and the bite marks on my body mean anything.

I’ve already said that I should take his jealousy as a warning sign I know. Red flashing warning signs everywhere. He had a picture from the paper of B and myself, from today. Ripped in half, B’s half missing.

The article in the paper –just run-of-the-mill press coverage, not even tabloid speculation--must have prompted tonight’s performance. From the moment he came in he radiated possessiveness. Ripped my clothes off, (fortunately, as I am wealthy, everything is easily replaceable) pushed me onto the couch, and proceeded to mark me. And almost fucking went down on me. Though for one moment there (as I did urge him to slow down, knowing how easily he could regret all of this and run away from me) I saw my shy farm boy, when he admitted that he didn’t know what to do. I gently shifted the situation, and instead I touched him for the first time…felt him in my hand, hard and wet and fucking huge. When he came, he came all over me. I got the distinct impression that he was marking his territory.

And when his huge hand closed on my cock, I really was ready to let him mark me as much as he wants.

I’m prepared for all the comments that will surely come in reminding me of his youth, and telling me how dangerous this is, and perhaps how irresponsible I am being. In my defense, in advance, let me state that I did try to slow him down several times, and have already told him that he needs to take responsibility for his actions. But I’m no angel, I’ve never pretended to be. I can’t stop this and I don’t want to.

I've ducked into the newspaper office to get away from everything. Today, so far, hasn't been great.

On the way to school CS and PR asked what I was planning on doing with my newfound freedom. I told them that it would be cool to have a party, but that it would be just a small low key thing. Just them and LL.

Now for the thing that has been bothering me all night and all morning.

I'm really not very coherent right now so all of this is going to be a bunch of whiny rambling complainy stuff.

I went by last night to see Lex. I dressed up real nice, and put on some of dad's cologne. I wanted to be somebody he could be proud to be with. Somebody as cool as BW. I figured since my parents are away it's not even really sneaking over there. He was tired so I didn't stay long. I was hoping he'd ask me to stay, but that didn't happen. In fact, worse happened. I feel so lost right now. Those tabloid articles that have appeared in the papers have forced him to resort to drastic measures. I know he's doing it to protect me, but I still hate that he has to do it. He said he has to have girls around to show that he isn't into guys.

He also said he didn't want reporters to snoop and discover me. I know he's trying to protect me but still it hurt to hear him say that. It made me so mad too. That these people force him to adjust his life so they won't write things about him.

I hit so many things when I got home after leaving the castle. I shredded ever newspaper in the house, and then I did something I am not proud of; I called BW and left a nasty message on his service. I never do stuff like this but I will repeat what I told him here. 'you are doing a shitty job protecting my boyfriend. if you had any brains you'd make sure those dumb articles in those stupid tabloids never got printed. jerk' and then I hung up.

Not my best moment, but I just couldn't help it. I can't protect Lex and it hurts that I can't.

When I went to leave he kissed me and it felt so final; so desperate. I ran all the way home.

current mood: sad

You know when they say it can't get any worse. Well they lied.

Not only are the tabloids filled with pictures of Lex with the jerk, but they have this big article about Lex's past. I couldn't even stop myself from reading it. Since I can speed read it's pretty hard. Once I look at something I never forget it.

It said things about how it looks like he's getting back into the colourful scene he frequented in his younger days. It also mentioned things about S & M. I sort of know what that is, but I can find out more on line.

It's partly my fault. In some of the pictures you can clearly see the bruises I left on Lex. I just thought he would cover them up. I didn't think he'd just let them show like that. I didn't think somebody would get pictures of it.

On top of that CS who finally came back from the big city brought some very candid photos of Lex and the jerk. I almost punched the computer screen when I saw them. They looked like they were having a nice time. Lex looked happy and the jerk was touching him in almost every single one of them.

How am I supposed to compete with that? I'm not into all that party stuff. I don't know. It's just so confusing.

Thanks so much to all of you who have left comments and advice I am so sorry I haven't gotten around to answering them. I have a few friends coming over tonight since mom and dad are away so I won't be able to do it tonight but I wanted to thank coffeejunkii for the really cool icon she made me. It's my new default icon. I really like it and it did cheer me up thanks.

current mood: weird

The tabloids are having a field day, with pictures of B and I. Speculating about my sexuality and the nature of our relationship. I told my angel tonight that I would need to engage the company of women to quell the rumors. To protect him. Because if those "journalists" start digging… how quickly they would jump from stories of B and I to stories of me corrupting my angel. It could destroy him, destroy his family.

This is one of the reasons I resisted this at first. But now I am in so deep.

I want him. But I want to protect him as well.

He said he understood. But I know he was doubting, doubting and angry. As he should be. This situation is so fucked up. But that’s the story of my life.

He left abruptly. I wanted to keep him here, to make him stay. For a moment when he kissed me, I felt I had him. His fingers stroking the bruises he had left the day before. But…as he left, I felt that I was losing him. Now he is gone and I am struck by this immense feeling of…fuck, I don’t even have words for it. Is this fear? Regret? Or just exhaustion.

One more drink and then I’ll call it a night.

No matter how much I try to get away from my past, to get away from myself, I see it’s impossible. Any future I thought I saw with my angel was a delusion. I thought he understood me, I thought he was…someone other than who he is. But apparently all it takes is a few tabloid stories for me to fall from grace in his eyes. How ironic and fitting that it is my very username that proves to be my downfall. But he looked at me with such…disgust… I can’t explain how I felt in that moment, pinned by his gaze. There was nothing I could say or do…what he saw in me was what there is to see.

I should have known that this would happen. That I wouldn’t live up to his expectations. There is something about him that inspires people to try to rise above themselves, and I wanted to be someone he could love. But I think he was drawn to me for all the wrong reasons – to him I am something illicit, and now that he knows the extent of it, I’ll…

I’ll never feel his touch again. His hands on me, his lips. I won’t feel his body against mine, won’t get to run my fingers through his hair. I shouldn’t want someone who can look at me like that, say those things. But I do.

Friends-only post

I'm usually very detail-oriented, but I just got home (extra late!) and there's too much to tell and not enough energy left to tell it all.

So here are the facts:

I took LL out on a spooky/romantic evening Halloween night. It was the least I could do after last week's blow-out to start making it up to her. We ventured through an old graveyard from way back when our area was first settled, touring on a private agenda I myself put together complete with stories of the weird going back to the days of those pioneers. She seemed to have fun. I think I really creeped her out, but that only made her get closer and hold me tighter. It was really nice to feel needed, like I made her feel safe. Then, we went to an abandoned house nearby, which I had of course set-up in advance with dozens of candles to create just the right mix of cozy and mystical atmosphere! We kissed for a while, had a typical make-out session, and returned to our houses in the wee hours of the morning. That was the first time we've felt comfortable, like an actual couple again, since the big fight.

After much coaxing from my cousin last week, she convinced me to come out to see her and take a break from my problems. I told her I couldn't come until Saturday morning though, since LL and I had patched things up and I had been so excited about the surprise Halloween plans I had in the works specially for us. Lois spent all day Saturday chasing PlayBoy and our very own Mr. X who were doing business in the big city this weekend apparently. Somehow, Lois managed to land the job of covering their joint venture for her college paper, and naturally, she had her ulterior motive (*coughs* PlayBoy!), but she didn't get anywhere near him, like 99% of the bunnies who try to hop on that dangling carrot Bachelor-of-the-Year. We had a little time to just talk before I left today, but...

I didn't tell her about LL and I. All I said was that I had met someone. She let me know I could always talk to her, but there were a few other things I wanted to talk to her specifically about... so, in short, I let that one subject slide. To be picked up at a later date, I suppose. I have no doubt she would understand, but I feel like I already have someone to turn to who fills that position of friend, confidant, and partner-in-crime (so to speak). I trust CK more than anything right now. He is my support, my backbone, my shoulder to lean on, and I know he's there for me when I need him the most. I'm really glad I have CK... That reminds me.

When I was trailing PlayBoy and X with my cousin, I noted that it was odd they've been spending so much time together lately. It made me wonder if everything was okay between CK and X (friendship-wise or other), because after seeing Clark's obvious care for X (platonic or other) and how he handled his feelings for LL when she was with the QB (platonic and other), I know him well enough to realize his jealousy stokes at situations like these. I hope CK is alright. Maybe I should make the extra effort to pay him a friendly visit tomorrow just in case he's down.

This is Girl F drained out of her wits!

I didn’t see Chloe last night because she came back after midnight.

At least I got to talk to her on the phone for a little while. Seems like she had a good weekend with her cousin. They even took pictures of the millionaire and Mr. Gotham. Actually, I glanced at a few tabloid headlines while waiting in line at the supermarket today, and they all implied there was something going on between them. I don’t believe a word of that but if my neighbor saw these "reports," he must have taken that to heart, even if he didn’t believe they were true either. Maybe that’s why he had this impromptu party tonight–to get his mind off things (his parents are out of town).

I went to the party by myself, without Whitney. There is no way I will ever hurt Chloe again as I did when I went to the Halloween party with him. In retrospect, I maybe should have told him about me going there by myself because when he showed up he got really angry and started yelling at me in front of all these people. It was completely ridiculous, and I told him so when we went to talk in the barn. I mean, this isn’t why I stayed with him. He needs to understand that I don’t need to tell him anymore if I got to some social event by myself since we are on break. What would he have done if I had gone with Chloe (even if we of course would have officially only gone as friends)?

Well, I was just about to explain all this when we started hearing those weird noises up in the barn. I ran to get my neighbor, and he and Whitney went to check it out. They found this man, Earl, who used to work on my neighbor’s farm. He seemed really disturbed and shaky. My neighbor and Chloe took him to the hospital. I have no idea what he wanted or why he was there.

Speaking of Chloe, I had really hoped I’d get to talk to her at the party tonight but there was just no chance (she was busy after school, too, catching up on the paper so I didn’t see her then either). She was talking to people, or I was, and then this whole thing in the barn happened, and she felt she should really go with my neighbor. I think they are still at the hospital. Sigh.

I miss her so much. It’s silly, I know, since I only saw her on Friday but as I said, that wasn’t enough. Now I am really really hoping we can spend some time, no, wait, the entire evening together tomorrow. If her dad is working late again, we could make dinner together and then just talk and...well, you can guess what else.

Back to counting down hours...

The building I live in is really horrible. Monday morning, they found the lobby doors broken and a dead body inside. Ever happened to you?

I am so tired. I spent almost all of last night at the hospital. An old friend of the family is real sick. He hid out in our barn last night, and that is where LL and WF found him.

Almost the whole town showed for the little party I had. The house was in shambles when I got home this morning, and mom and dad had come back from the city early. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to clean up before they saw the mess. Even I'm not fast enough for that.

The party sucked. First of all, Lex got me fireworks. Which was cool, but not wanted. The worst was the fact that he actual brought a date. Some girl who I hope I never see again. I know he wants to keep up appearances but why would he have to do that at a high school kid's party? It's not like there was any media there.

I pulled him aside and we talk. It didn't go very well. I was too upset about everything else around me, and on top of that he does this. I couldn't take it. I yelled at him for something that was my fault. I know, not cool, but I was just so upset. In those tabloid articles they talked about Lex's penchant for screwing people over, and then moving on to the next person. I couldn't help but wonder if he would do that to me, and also if he'd get bored of me.

Unfortunately, I had to wonder out loud. I don't even care that he was disappointed in the fact that I had looked at those articles. That wasn't even the point. I'm not stupid I know they can't lie all the time in the papers. Otherwise the lawsuits would put them out of business.

After the fight with Lex, CS pulled me aside. We had a nice talk. At first I wasn't up for it, but then I saw that she was upset so I decided to calm down and spend some time with her. We didn't get a chance to talk after she got back from down town. She doesn't like the jerk either. Which made me immensely happy. She spent most of her time in town chasing Lex and the jerk. She told me the pictures she had on her computer were for her cousin (who sounds very annoying btw). She also said she wasn't going to use them for anything. It was really nice to just talk like that. It cheered me up. I have to remember that I have friends, and that they care about me.

I have to go. We're going on a class trip to the crap factory. I hope I don't see Lex. I really don't want to right now. The chances of that happening are pretty slim since I highly doubt that a class trip is a high priority. I think CS's dad is showing us around. More later.

current mood: rushed

I just finished talking to my mom and dad. They want me to stay in, but I wish I could go see if Lex is all right. It's been another harrowing day.

The most horrible experience in the world has to be watching somebody you love dangle fifty feet above a concrete floor from a scaffold, which could break at any second. I almost lost Lex today, and I am not ashamed to say that when I got home, and the reality of the situation hit me I cried.

The friend I talked about earlier who I said was sick came down to the plant, and held my class hostage. It was so scary. When I tried to talk to him, he just wouldn't list.

Lex was so brave. I was in total awe of how he came in, and tried to negotiate with my friend. Then he did something so heroic, I will never forget it as long as I live. He exchanged himself as a hostage for the whole class! I think I loved him in that moment more than I have ever loved anybody else.

He told me to get out too, but I couldn't leave him there. I had to do something. The plant was going to blow up. God I'm crying again just thinking about it. When you're in a harrowing situation, you don't think you just act, but afterwards, when you realize what could have happened, it's terrifying.

When I found what my friend was looking for, he took Lex down to show him. I know Lex was just as shocked as I was that my friend had been telling the truth all along. I wouldn't put it past Lex's father to lie to his own son.

My friend shook the scaffolding loose, and my heart almost stopped as I watched them dangle. I had to get past my own fears, and my own feeling of nausea. When I pulled them up, and had Lex in my arms I was so relieved I wanted to kiss him, but obviously, that wasn't the right time.

I don't even know where I found the strength to pull two grown men up. I just knew one thing; I couldn't let them die. Most of all, I couldn't let Lex die.

After it was all over, I was so glad to see my mom and dad. In the end, the plant didn't blow up, and I only caught a brief glimpse of Lex as his father hugged him close. I was so glad to see that Lex wasn't alone. I wanted to go over and talk to him, but the media was there, and mom and dad wanted to get home.

Now I'm staring at the TV screen (the news reports on what happened are running almost nonstop here) wishing I could go to him. I will go to him, but I want to give him some time to recover. His dad is with him. I'm sure he needs time with his dad just as I need time with my mom and dad.

current mood: stressed

I’m not really meant for saving. I tried. But I’m no hero, no angel. And my father…my father doesn’t give a fuck or at least, after all these years, I don’t know what he feels, but when he touches me…in front of all those people embracing me like he cares when I could have so easily been dead if he had anything to say about it, if it weren’t for my angel…

my angel, who saved me, again, even though I saw in his eyes still anger and maybe pity and nothing that said he really understands, nothing to indicate that any of it was real, that all those things I felt and all that safety was anything but a delusion, that I’ve ever been anything but alone.

Fuck I just want something to take me away, to take me over. I want to feel without hurting, be without feeling. Or maybe I want to hurt so badly I have no more room for thought.

Friends-only post

A true reporter's work is never done. *sigh*

I think it's best to do this on a crisis by crisis "first come, first told" basis...

First, let me thank everyone who took the time to fill out the poll I created and posted in my last entry. I didn't state this publicly, but I was wondering how much stock people put in tabloids and tabloid news, or anything that's considered sensational journalism or gossip column stories. This is because no one around here can escape the images of Mr. X circulating in the less than reputable press, printing scandalous articles and speculation that I know must have CK boiling with jealousy and rage, and honestly, I don't blame him...

This leads me right into last night. I was at a huge party that just kind of broke out at CK's from what was supposed to be a relatively small gathering. I think every kid in a thirty mile radius of town was there! There were even fireworks, which I presume X had a hand in providing since CK would never have gone to the trouble or even thought to arrange anything like that. What proves that theory more is that I saw X there last night, and when I bumped into a seething CK (I called him Angry-Argument CK, because Angry-Argument Girl F is his reactionary twin!), I knew by the knot in my gut that it was because X had some girl there as his shiny arm-candy date. The real circumstances (whether or not it was a masquerade, a ploy on X's part, a cover for the sake of appearances given recent unwanted media attention, or any number of other things) are a total mystery to me.

This whole situation with X and the tabloids lapping up his conferences and appearances with PlayBoy as juice for the rumor mill has actually made me take a more introspective look at my chosen occupation and its ambiguous lifestyle. I've been wondering about the effects of my reporting and whether they do more harm than good, but I'm trying to reassure myself that I've always conducted myself with integrity and approached things with nothing but sheer professional journalistic drive. I want the truth. Nothing more and nothing less. Meanwhile, the Jerry Springers of the news world are giving the media a bad name by conjuring blood from water! *scowl*

The only thing I'm madder about than that whole conflict is the fact that I spent two whole days at Lois', and all we did was cover, chase, talk, eat, sleep, and breathe PlayBoy! Her obsession with him monopolized my quality time with my cousin, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back! I went all the way out there to see her and wound up taking the camera at her request and snapping off shots of X and PlayBoy so Lois would have enough for her college newspaper and plenty of surplus for herself, of course. *rolls eyes*

That issue came up when I wound up talking with CK. When I saw him last night, he rushed by me like a freight train, practically knocking me right over, and I ran after him to make sure he was okay. I yelled his name like five times before he stopped mumbling under his breath and realized someone was even calling him. He was absolutely fuming, and it didn't take much to guess that he and X were at odds in some way, most probably having everything to do with all I've described so far. I had nothing but the utmost respect for his feelings and I didn't try to broach any issue at all. I simply let him know that whatever was bothering him would pass, and in my own subtle way, I tried to make it plain that I was sympathetic to his cause. In essence, ban the PlayBoy! It could be our joint motto! I totally vented about my experience with Lois dragging me all over the city, possessed by this overly romanticized Prince Charming! It seemed to me that CK and I have a common enemy...

Speaking of CK though, I tried to let him know how much I truly appreciated him and was grateful that I could talk to him about anything. It was the first time I've been around him in a long while when trust hasn't been an issue. That was really refreshing for a change! Then we got really comfortable just standing there in his kitchen and lost in our own little world of suddenly personal and way vaguely illustrated problems. He hugged me, which felt really nice, but it lasted a little longer than it probably should have... in fact, next thing I knew, I felt his... (glaring omission) pressing into me... *clears throat*

It was so weird, because there we were as comfortable as we've ever been with one another and able to more openly relate to one another and suddenly my friend gets a hard-on while holding me close to him... Before that he even told me he loved me. (Whoa! Not like that! Don't go jumping to wild conclusions, because he meant it in a purely platonic fashion just like I did when I said it back!) What seemed so amazing is that we had never really said that to one another to express in any verbal way how much we cared for one another as friends! It felt really great to hear, and just to be there with him. Though... it was both strange and funny to feel him getting turned on, then see the pup-tent he sprung as we broke contact kind of awkwardly. It was amusing to say the least, and he seemed so adorably embarrassed about it...

Then LL showed, then the QB followed, then they disappeared, then I decided it was time for me to hit the road... Then today, we had a class trip to my Dad's workplace, touring the place, this desperado threatens the students and our tour guide (my Dad), then takes us hostage. X makes an incredibly admirable albeit stupid move and trades himself for us after what seemed like an eternity of waiting and fearing for all our lives because this guy was becoming more unhinged by the second! Needless to say, I'm fine and so are my friends and my Dad, all thanks to the heroics of X and CK. *shakes head* They really do make a good team, apparently. I've heard a few tall tales about what actually transpired once we were all out and ushered to safety while they remained inside, but all of them paint those two in truly brave light.

This evening LL came over, which was perfect, because I really needed to just spend some time relaxing with her, recovering from all the trauma of the day and the issues plaguing me the last several days... She wanted to talk, but I could tell she wanted to get a little bit of an intimate groove on at the same time, and though I did start to indulge the need to just go off on a major rant, the romantic down time was what I wanted more than anything, especially when I saw her just lying there on my bed, looking so adorable... Have I mentioned how beautiful and sexy she is?! I told her that when I drank in that sight of her open and seductive, the last thing I wanted to focus on was everything that moment made me feel was a million miles away. I felt truly free of all those things while I was with her, kissing her, touching her, cozying up close to her. I admit that this was partially one way to dodge a bullet, and I took that easy-out of the issue and lost myself in my feelings of affection and desire for her. I'm not sure how right I was to do that, but it felt more right than anything has since Halloween when we were alone together in the same way... That made me wonder how much the physical plays a role in our relationship, and that occurred to me just after she left. We haven't done anything too heavy, or like what happened that one day in my office, but I feel... guilty, I suppose. It's as if the sexual stuff is just a release and temporary remedy for things that aren't quite up that hill we're pushing to scale again, so we can be like before...

I don't know! I don't even know if I know what I'm saying, or if any of it is making sense! *implodes*

It's been a really crazy couple of days and that's tacked on to one of the worst times I've ever had at my cousin's, so I have no clue where I'm at mentally right now, but it's not a very clear or very happy place.

This is Girl F reporting at the risk of her own sanity.

*

My son... is not very comfortable with physical contact. He recoils away from touch.

Sometimes I wonder if perhaps something bad happened to him when he was younger, but he will never share that with me. Not such delicate information.

He's frozen in my embrace when I try to hug him, so I rarely do. He doesn't like it when people touch his face or arms. He shakes hands, but that's a purely business reaction.

I feel sorry for him.

*

He values his life very cheaply. It's my fault, in a way. He's always been given everything he ever wanted, and protected from any repercussions. It's my fault he behaves the way he does, my fault that he thinks he's invincible. Jumping head first into dangerous situations, not stopping for a moment to think that maybe "smart" is a better word than "hero". He finds the most inopportune times to assume his responsibilities.

*

He's the only important thing to me. He's the only important thing, period. Then he runs in and risks his life over nothing, some pretty boy he likes or something, over a *toy*. He could've *died*. And then where would I be?

*

I swear, I almost had a heart attack. Of course my son thinks I don't care because I didn't bother telling him how worried I was.

*

Perhaps I drink too much.

*

Apparently he seriously doesn't think I'm affected by his attempt at heroism that nearly ended in his death. How can he really believe that?

*

Sometimes you have to lie to your children to protect them. You can't tell them things that will jeopardize their future or their health or even their lives. Is it that wrong of me to want to keep my son safe in the dark, in his innocence, just a little bit longer?

*

I can't control *everything*. Things are going to happen in life, dangerous things, and I won't be able to defend my son anymore. I had hoped I taught him to take care of himself and protect himself, but obviously I failed to do so. He doesn't understand his own importance. Even the professionals on the scene told him not to... and he just jumps in. I was terrified.

*

Definitely should drink less. I need the services of a spellchecker now. That is a new and interesting experience.

*

And did I mention that boy? My son's boything again. Barging in and causing my son to act more emotionally and stupidly than usual. I ought to tell his parents, really. Let them be the bad guys for a change.

*

D. Good old reliable, silent, there to hold me D. Here's a livejournal code for you, D. Say hi to D. Wave, all you simple mortals. D is good to me. He says it wasn't my fault. He says I'm not evil. He also takes away my bottle and wants me to stop writing and go to bed. So goodbye, for now.

~Li

*
Read Comments

For those of you weighing in on the wiseness of my desire for my angel, the question is moot, as he clearly wants nothing to do with me. eleanorb I appreciate your candidness, although I must say that when it comes to my angel, such logic doesn't really apply. But it doesn't matter anymore. I thought perhaps he would come by today...I hoped for it but it's not going to happen. It's over so you can all breathe a sigh of relief that I won't be corrupting any more young boys.

I hate TV. They distort the facts so much.

I called to find out more details, but of course he was too worried to talk to me for long.

It almost worries me more now I've talked to him.

I don't know what he'll do if he loses his son. He cares so much for him, even though his son refuses to see it.

So formal, but I can't do anything about it. No names, no one can figure out who he is. I don't mind.

I don't mind anything. As long as I get to hold him when he needs me to, to take care of him, and just...just to love him.

And maybe to make his son realize what a wonderful man his father is.

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: Chopin

private post

This is only for me so I can just let loose. Big time!

I will never forget the image of some guy on top of Lex doing sex things to him.

A stranger who looked a lot like me was fucking him. I froze, and just stared at them. My mind just snapped. All I kept thinking was that it was supposed to be me above Lex. I wanted it to be me. It lasted only seconds but it seemed like an eternity.

This was not how I wanted to see Lex naked for the first time.

I have to say, I'm surprised to find out that Lex likes to be the bottom.

My brain needs to be scrubbed right now!

current mood: crazy

friends locked post

I just got back from Lex's house. I took my time getting there in the hopes that I would find the words to tell him how I feel. I wish I had called first.

I will never forget what I found. He was busy, to say the least. I walked in on the end of him having sex with some guy. They were in the middle of the floor in his sitting room. The door wasn't even locked. I wish it had been. The first thing I thought was what the heck; the second thing was who the hell is this guy? After that, I pretty much freaked and ran out of the room. I didn't go far because I just couldn't think straight.

Before I found them, I was in the troy room thinking, so I went back there and sat in the dark.

It's funny but you'd think this would make me run as far away as possible from Lex, but I didn't even think about that at the time. All I could think about was how glad I was that Lex was all right. I know. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I could have lost him forever the other day at the plant.

I feel partly responsible for what happened. The other night at the party, I said something that could easily be interpreted as a break-up. He asked me what I wanted from him. I told him nothing, and walked away.

When he finally found me in the troy room after I left him with his date, he explained what had happened. He thought I was never coming back. He thought that because I didn't go see him after the incident at the plant, and because of what I said to him at the party, that I had dumped him.

I wish I'd gone to see him sooner. It doesn't really matter now. After he sent the guy packing, and showered, we went up to his room. I held him in my arms for a while. I told him I loved him. I told him I didn't care about what I saw, and I told him I want to be with him, but that it would have to be different. (Admittedly, every time he winced from the pain, it sent a streak of jealousy coursing through me)

I don't think I'm up for anything sex-like for a long while.

I left him asleep in his bed.

current mood: exhausted

I love long hard days where I'm kept busy.

I spent all day today smiling like a goof. Everybody I know thinks I'm insane. When I got home from school, I did my chores in record time, and then helped mom with some extra stuff. She kept giving me these looks. Finally when I tackled her in a fit of giggly tickles she forced me to sit down, and explain what was up. I just told her I was ecstatically happy. I stretched things a bit obviously.

I told her that my friendship with LL was going great. I told her that Lex and I had a fight last week but that we'd worked it out. She seemed convinced.

I told her I'm off to see Lex tonight to play a game of pool. She just told me to be home by 12. It really means a lot to me that my mom and dad trust me so much. Hm, I guess it sucks that I have to lie about the happiest thing going on in my life.

Also, my friend PR. He's been acting strange lately. We talked in the locker room after gym. Total cliché, I know, but it seems to be the only time we have together any more. I mentioned to him that I wanted to get together for a game of B ball. He smiled and said sure and that was it. Then he took off, sighting some stuff he had to get done.

current mood: happy

I don’t understand.

I fucked up really, really badly. Something that shouldn’t be forgivable.

And he forgives me.

After all that jealousy, and all those words that I can’t forget, and that he says he didn’t mean, doesn’t mean.

He apologized. He was coming over to apologize.

And I…I was…

I just wanted to forget, to feel, to forget and have at the same time. And I thought he was gone. I was sure of it. The look in his eyes – I had seen it in others’ eyes before. It’s not something that goes away. And it’s not something that I can take. Especially not from him.

But I didn’t see it there last night. Not with all the tears and the honesty. He does love me. He said…said that he would have fallen with me if I had fallen…

How could someone love me like that?

I don’t understand it, not at all, but I saw him clearly last night, despite everything. He loves me. He’s scared and confused and what we feel is so strong and overwhelming and…

probably not healthy at all. But how could I walk away from this?

I have very few answers at the moment. But for some reason today I am able to see the questions more clearly.

The first ones I spoke about in my last entry. Why did my angel forgive me? How can he forgive me? He reads stories of my wantonness and tells me he wants nothing to do with me. He sees with his own eyes and forgives? Is it because I was so clearly and desperately trying to replace him? Because unlike B my...guest…was not a threat to him? He said it was because he almost lost me the day before when he saved me again from death. But I don’t understand how that erases my actions.

Which brings me to my second set of questions. How did he save me? As I dangled from that catwalk, concrete only below me, on the one hand it seemed fated, inescapable, I had cheated death so many times before. Now that I had lost the love of my angel it was fitting that it should all end.

And yet some part of me knew he would save me, again. Even though it seemed physically impossible. He pulled two men up from death, with one arm. It shouldn’t have been possible, just as I should never have come alive out of that Porsche, out of that riverbank. That day too he broke all the laws of what’s possible. I have tried to put these questions behind me, in the face of my love for him, but I can’t. They are not possible to ignore

But finally, my last question is why? Not why did he save me, because I could see in his eyes that despite my ample faults he does love me. But why, why have I been saved? Why am I still alive? I tried to seek answers before and I found only the cold dead hand of an old woman. Now I have the warmth and forgiveness of my angel.

But why would I deserve it, this saving, this forgiveness? That’s what I don’t understand, most of all

Friends-only post

I got a note from LL today, and normally I wouldn't do this, but I'm posting this one part of it:

I don't know if you realize this but it has been
exactly a month today since we first kissed. I have
enjoyed this time with you very much--you make me very
happy, and I have no regrets whatsoever. It hasn't
been easy but it's worth it. You are worth it. I
cannot imagine being without you.

It's impossible to say how much it means to me that she wrote this. I realized I've been so wrapped up in all the craziness and the bad things going on in my life that I nearly missed a major milestone. I almost forgot our one month mark, but this has awakened something inside me. LL asked in the note if we could spend Saturday night together, and I'm going to say yes. More than that, I'm going to talk to her about what's been going on and get this stuff between us resolved, because if there's one thing I know, it's that I feel the exact same way she does, and that means she deserves the same honesty and openness she affords me.

This is Girl F reporting on a happier note.

There was a hostage crisis yesterday and Chloe, Whitney, my neighbor and I were right in the middle of it. Does this never end? Why? WHY? I hate that our town is so screwed up.

We were on a field trip to the fertilizer plant, which belongs to the millionaire’s father, and is run by the millionaire. Chloe’s dad, who works there, took us around. It was boring until Earl showed up (the man we found in my neighbor’s barn on Monday). With a gun, threatening to kill us all. He said that he got sick while working in a secret part of the plant and that he wouldn’t let us go until someone took him to this mysterious “Level Three.”

The situation got out more and more out of hand. I was so scared I couldn’t even think straight. I wanted to hold Chloe’s hand but she was sitting so far away from me. In that moment I wouldn’t have cared; if she had been any closer I would have held on to her.

Whitney realized that someone had to do something, especially after one of the gas valves broke and the whole plant was close to blowing up. He asked my neighbor to help him but he didn’t want to. He was probably as scared as I was. I didn’t want Whitney to try anything–Earl had a gun, and he could have gotten killed. Of course he didn’t listen, and it makes me a little proud that he was ready to put his life in risk for getting us out of there. But he had no luck. Earl beat him really badly. Whitney was in a lot of pain. He tried not to show it but I could tell. The only thing I could do was hold him and make him a little more comfortable.

All of a sudden, the millionaire walked in and offered himself in exchange for us. I didn’t expect that, especially not after his father had been trying in vain to talk Earl out of his insane plan. My neighbor looked shocked when he saw the millionaire, and when he offered the trade-off, there was this utter expression of horror on his face for the briefest moment. He had himself under control very fast. I think my neighbor is quite remarkable at hiding his feelings, and that is probably a good thing given the situation he and the millionaire are in.

Well, Earl let us to go and I went to the hospital with Whitney right away. While I was waiting for news about how his injuries, I saw a special report on tv about how my neighbor ran back into the plant in the last moment to save both the millionaire and Earl. The news report went on about how this was such a selfless deed but I don’t think it was. I mean, he loves the millionaire, so of course he ran back. My neighbor probably can’t imagine life without him. In any case, I’m glad that in the end, everyone got through it more or less okay.

At night, I went over to Chloe’s. I was totally exhausted and all I wanted was to sink into her arms and feel safe for a while. But she started alluding to all these things, like we were fighting an uphill battle and still trying to get back to how everything was before our fight. She was so tense. There was more, too, but she didn’t want to tell me. She flat out said no when I asked her to talk to me about what was bothering her. Hearing those words felt like someone pushed a needle into my heart. If I hadn’t been so desperate to be near her I might have left. But I was too tired to argue or to feel hurt for long. I just wanted her and in the end, after some teasing, I got what I wanted. It was very nice for as long as it lasted but it was just an escape.

Chloe and I need some serious alone time to work through all these things. I wrote her a note today asking her if I can sleep over on Saturday. Hopefully that gives us the chance to reconnect in the way we both want to.

Today it is also exactly one month since we first kissed. Even despite all the hard time we have had, I have no regrets. Chloe is amazing, wonderful, smart, and beautiful, and I am still astounded by how much she wants me, wants us to be together.

-

A child arrived just the other day
Came to the world in the usual way
There were planes to catch, bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away

He was talking 'fore I knew it and as he could,
he said
"I'm gonna be like you, dad,
You know I'm gonna be like you."

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son, I don't know when
We'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, my son turned ten just the other day
He said
"Thanks for the ball dad, come on, let's play.
Could you teach me to throw?"
I said "Not today,
I've got a lot to do."
he said
"That's Okay."

He walked away with a smile on his face and said
"I'm gonna be like him, yeah,
You know I'm gonna be like him."

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son, I don't know when
We'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

When he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"I'm proud of you, could you sit for a while,"
He shook his head and said with a smile

"What I'm feeling like, dad, is to borrow the car keys,
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son, I don't know when
We'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
"I'd like to see you, if you don't mind."
He said
"I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time."

"You see, my new job's ass and the kids got the flu,
But it's sure nice talking to you dad,
It's been sure nice talking to you."

And as I hung up the phone is occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son, I don't know when
We'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

-

friends only post

Last night was great.

We played a nice game of pool, and talked about nothing in particular. We did a little bit of kissing, but I found it hard. Every time I kissed him the image of him with that guy who looked like me popped into my head.

I don't think I mentioned this before, but the guy Lex was with looked so much like me it was uncanny. and very creepy. I mean they were both completely naked when I found them. Naked! It's not like I stared at them for a long period of time. Unfortunately for me, I have a freakish memory. I never forget anything I see or learn. Although my mom would argue with that.

I want to ask Lex about it. I really tried last night, but how do you ask if sex hurts. I mean it looks like it would. Especially for the guy on the bottom. I could ask my mom. She seems easier to talk to about these things. Of course I won't say it's about sex with a guy. I'll have to pretend I'm asking because I hope to get closer to Lana.

I think I'll ask mom today after school. She wants my help with some chores only I can do. It shouldn't be too hard to ask since they already gave me condoms, and had the talk with me. This will just be a fact-finding mission. Or maybe not. Knowing me, I'd blush so red I'd explode. I think I'll just forget about asking mom. She doesn't need to worry about me anymore than she already does.

current mood: intimidated

friends locked post

I snuck over to the mansion tonight.

I had to. I needed to see Lex, and mom and dad didn't want me to go out. They didn't even have a good reason. I mean, just because isn't a good reason, right? So, I went over without permission. I don't think they heard. I waited until they were in bed. I feel guilty now. I know I shouldn't go behind their backs like that.

I just checked, and they're still asleep.

I'm so glad I went to see Lex. He was agitated tonight, and you'll never guess why. His father. When I was growing up, like other kids, I just assumed parents were all the same. Lex has issues with his father. I guess not all families are perfect. I wish it could be for him. He deserves it.

I know one thing for sure. I will not sneak up on Lex again any time soon. He was so startled when I did it, I felt bad right away. He was even shaking. It was strange to see that. He's usually so calm and collected.

I held him in my arms until I was sure he was calm. Actually, I just like to hold him in my arms. So I held him for a while, and soothed him. It seems so weird to say that I soothed Lex. I mean, he's always painted as such a ruthless businessman, and here he is letting me hold him in my arms.

It was nice to say the least. I felt so happy holding Lex. I felt like everything would be okay, and that he was mine to take care of. Since the accident I feel like we belong to each other. Like maybe all that has happened so far was fate.

Like Lex said to me 'we have a future together' I agree with him now, and I won't let anything stand in the way. It's meant to be. I just know it. Something deep inside me knows it.

Now I need to take care of business. ;)

current mood: energetic

friends locked post

My father is infuriating. One positive result of my exile is the geographical distance it puts between us. Unfortunately he has informed me that he is coming to visit tomorrow, with some sort of surprise in store. I’m sure you can imagine my anticipation. While I would like to take this as my cue to leave town, I know that I would just be putting off the inevitable, and it is not my style to run. So I will stay.

My father casts a long shadow. I have had, for some time, reason to suspect that he may know about my live journal. Perhaps he has even infiltrated my friends list. I wouldn’t put it past him.

I’d like to seek refuge in my angel tonight but I don’t know that he will come by. Last night felt good… However, I still can’t help wonder what he is truly thinking. I can see the love and forgiveness in him. I have to admit, if I haven’t before, that his forgiveness, while necessary, doesn’t sit well with me; it is not an easy pill to swallow. And I’m sure anger and disgust still lurk in him, but I know we all have contradictory impulses. I can’t expect anything else.

Chloe called last night to let me know that she’d love to spend Saturday night with me :)

I had hoped she would say yes, but I wasn’t certain, given that she was so tense when we were together on Tuesday. It’ll be good for us, to talk things through and just be together without paying attention to the time.

I have to confess that I’m all excited and nervous now, and I have no idea why. Well, why I’m nervous. It’s the kind of nervousness you have when you know something is going to happen. Or maybe that’s just because of what I’ve been thinking about. “Thinking” might not be the right word since rational thought wasn’t exactly involved. Let’s just say that the image of Chloe in bed takes my mind to interesting places. I am not quite sure I am ready to actually go where my mind leads me. It’ll depend on the moment, and on what we both want. I wonder if Chloe thinks about me in the same way but I’m too embarrassed to ask her.

One thing I do want on Saturday is to make some peace with the issues that have been floating around us. I hope Chloe will trust me enough to tell me what has been bothering her. Part of the reason why I was so hurt by her refusal to let me in on Tuesday is that she was the one who pleaded not to let anything stand between us again. And then she withdraws from me. I don’t expect her to tell me every little thing that’s on her mind but this was clearly a major concern, and I really want to help her. Isn’t that what you do in a relationship? You seek out your partner for support and advice?

Anyway, we’ll see what happens.

I spent the evening at Whitney’s yesterday. He’s doing fine but I can tell he’s still a little shaken by what happened on Tuesday. I guess we all are (well, except for my neighbor, who's been walking around with the biggest grin on his face the past two days; he's so in love!). Maybe that’s also why Chloe was weird on Tuesday. It was nice to hang out with Whitney. We had a really good time, and the only downside was the way his mom talked about us, like how we are so wonderful together etc. I wish she hadn’t said those things; Whitney was hurt, and I felt like such a hypocrite. Well, she doesn’t know we're not really together anymore so I can’t really blame her.

I need to go to class now (I’m in the library, and seriously hope no one was reading over my shoulder). After school, I’m off to the mall . . . new underwear ;) !

With everything that's been happening recently, I've realized that through all my own problems, through everything that's happened with Jody and the horrible ordeal she went through, to the most amazing night of my life so far, nothing is more important than being able to share time with those you love - your friends, your family.

I went to mine and Jody's spot in the forest by the old factory today, and collected a few things while I was there to put in the box that Cassandra left for me. I’m just putting them away now. I know it sounds sentimental, but Cassandra was right, I have to remember. Whatever the future I didn't want to know about holds, I'm sure not gonna forget about the past.

CK talked to me today after gym class, asked if I wanted to hang out, shoot some hoops with him sometime. I must admit, I kinda brushed him off, just told him sure and then went about my business. Perhaps I'll ask him if my theories about him and rich boy are true. I also want to get together with him and Clo to fill them in on where I disappeared to over the past couple of days. Since leaving Jody, I've had a hard time. Granted I'm not quite back to cheery Pete right now, but I've decided to stop brooding. I need to. Or I at least need to try.

I don't know what to do about CK, whether to ask outright or just leave it and see if he confides in me. Hopefully he'll trust me enough to share some things with me when we get together for that basketball game. I know I’ll be sharing things with him. We’ve all been so divided it's gonna be hard to put the pieces back together. But we’ll manage it.

To think I nearly lost everyone I love - Jody, CK, Clo - all in such a short time is scary as hell. I keep wondering about the what ifs.

Now it's time to concentrate on the here, now.

Today was such a nice normal day, I'd almost forgotten how to have one of those.

PR came by and stayed for lunch. It was so nice to have him here. I don't think he's been over for a while. After Lunch we just hung out and shot some hoops. We talked, well he talked I listened. He talked a lot about Jody which was cool. The way his eyes lit up when he described his time with her; I could imagine that my eyes light up that way when I talk about Lex. I didn't talk about Lex with PR though. I really didn't have much to say that isn't hard to explain.

The cool thing is PR told me he and Jody slept together. He left out the details thank goodness. Not that I'm not happy for him, I just blush so hard when I hear sex talk. Even now after everything that Lex has introduced to me. I can't help it. I just get so embarrassed. He totally picked up on that and left it at vague. He's so cool that way.

I talked about how happy LL looks lately though I didn't tell my friend it wasn't Whitney that does it for her. It was weird when I mentioned Whitney, PR got all grim, and asked to change the subject. I wonder what that was about?

Anyway, we had fun. He just went home at around 7 after dinner. He loves my mom's cooking, and mom seemed real happy to have him over. I think maybe she missed him almost as much as I did.

I wonder how she would feel about having Lex over for dinner. Speaking of. Somebody sent me flowers. I have no idea who they were from, but they were nice. Maybe it was Lex, and he didn't want mom and dad to know. I just don't see Lex as the flower giving type. Maybe the car giving type, but flowers - I guess it could have been somebody else. What ever, mom told me to throw them out since we didn't know where they came from, and they were kind of wilty. I couldn't tell her I thought Lex sent them. That would not go over well.

Speaking of cars, I'm going over as soon as I'm done here. We're going for a drive. I already asked my mom and since it's not a school night she said it was fine as long as I got in by 1. I think that is the first time she's given me such a late curfew.

current mood: excited

My father is…

How many posts do I begin that way? Too many.

I’ll just put this bluntly. His gift? An ostentatious statue of an angry angel wielding a sword.

Need I say more?

Do I take this as proof for what I speculated in my last entry, which you all no doubt took for paranoia?

Or is it just a happy coincidence? I doubt that.

Not happy, nor a coincidence.

In between the lectures and the disapproving looks, my father is no doubt trying to send me a message. My actions the other day did not please him. He has let me know that in no uncertain terms. He claims that it is out of concern for my well being, but if it were than he would have not put me at such risk to begin with. The simple conveying of information would have rendered the situation much safer.

And yet his regard for me does not include any sharing of information, any concern for me personally, but only for how my actions may impact the family name or the company reputation. And so he determined that I was expendable. Now that, thanks to my angel, I survived, he feels the need to stake his claim. In the end that is how I read this statue. Asserting his dominance in my life. Well, fuck that. And if he thinks that this would keep me from writing in this journal, then he really doesn’t know me at all. What do I care if he knows my thoughts? In fact, I can’t imagine him really reading what I write here, not reading and listening to it. He doesn’t even hear me when I speak to him in person. How could what I write in here possibly sink in?

Friends-only post

I'm going to be meeting LL very soon, and I'm just incredibly excited! It's like we're going out on a first date all over again! That note just renewed a lot of my faith in us, and it assuaged a lot of the issues I've been wrestling with lately. They are still there, but they aren't bothering me like they were. I've realized how much more important she is than any of those things. It's just my jealousy and selfishness interfering really, and it's time I learned that my insecurities aren't her fault.

That note along with the fact that we are celebrating our one-month anniversary brought back all the feelings I had before my paranoia and nonsense kicked in as usual. My hand was on the emotional rip-cord, ready to just pull, but I knew this is all just my abandonment complex at its most cruel. That's a large part of what's been feeding into my ultra-moody behavior recently.

I always feel like I come in second to anyone important in my life... except my father, that is, but even he has to make his job a priority since he has to work so hard to support us. It just seems like a really typical pattern, as egocentric as that sounds. There's always someone or something else that comes before me, especially when I allow myself to get emotionally-involved. With CK, it was LL. (How ironic is that?!) With Lois, it's been PlayBoy. With LL, it's the QB because he's our cover story!...

The miracle is that I feel like all of that melted away with this note, because it said so much more than the words in it! I read it and it was like my eyes opened, and all the clouds cleared away, so for the first time since she and I officially got together, I know the joy of simple clarity. Why, you ask? What happened to change everything? I had a revelation, that's what! It hit me like the newsbreak of the century, the greatest epiphany I've ever had!

I love her!

Not something I'd feel confident saying to her just yet (because I really don't want to scare her or shake things up just when our feet are getting back on stable ground), but it's true! I'm alive with the sensation, and it's as scary as it is exciting. It's the first time I've ever known what it feels like to love someone, but they always say you know that when you know or you only know you're in love when you already are, and I do! How could I even think about letting anything get in the way of that?!

This is Girl F running because I have a date to keep :)

Well, it's been a busy week. Son still has an unhealthy obsession, which has grown to new levels lately. I am sick with worry whenever I look at him. He perceives reality in a most twisted way - refusing to see what's right in front of him, insisting on misunderstanding everything I say. Refuses to understand subtle hints as well as blunt over-the-top gestures. What do I have to do, write down things on large cue cards and hold them in front of his face?

Other people, I'm sure, will be more sensitive to subtle hints. A bouquet of flowers with a few well-thought-out scribbled words on a small simple card can send a message loud and clear. Several messages, actually.

If only my son would comprehend my messages to him quite so easily.

~Li

The Smallville Diaries - Nov 02 - Nov 08, 2003