Nov 09 - Nov 15, 2003

Last night I had the best night ever.

I talked one of Lex's servants into bringing the Ferrari around. When I went in to get Lex, he was lost in thought. He came willingly, which was nice. He looked so tired so I drove. I took him out to a deserted area, and parked. The sky was so clear, and the stars so bright, I wanted to share it with him.

I lay a blanket out on the ground. He seemed really startled by my actions, but he joined me. I told him I wanted us to do something that was simple. When he asked me why I'm so taken by the stars I told him that they take my breath away just like he does. I'm not really good with romantic words and stuff like that, but he seemed really blown away by it. I was so glad my idea worked out.

Then I tried to explain how sometimes you just have to make things simple. Like a kiss under the stars. Simple. No talking, no analyzing, no trying to figure it out.

It really bothers me is how he keeps telling me he doesn't deserve the things I give him. Why should he think that? I feel he deserves it. I want to make him so happy. I wish he would believe me.

It was nice to just watch him watch the stars. We made out, of course. I'm not stupid. It was so wonderful. He's such a great kisser. Then we tickled each other for a while. That was fun, and surprising. It was so nice to see him relax, and just let it all hang out.

I also told him I wished I could protect him from all the things that hurt him. I know I can protect him from some of them, but things like what his father has done to him; it's too late. That doesn't stop me from wishing I could.

Then Lex told me his dad was mad at him for what he did at the plant. God what a jerk. I mean, he leaves his son to die! How is Lex supposed to interpret that? He sounds like the biggest jerk ever. I would never say that to Lex's face, but I guess I can say it here. Why would any father want his son to suffer? I told Lex I thought his dad sucked.

I made the mistake of calling myself a freak in front of Lex. Things got kind of intense after that. It's just like my LJ name says; freak for ever. I can't even explain to him how hard things have been for me. How different I am from most people. My parents say that I should embrace my differences and that they're a part of me. I guess they're right.

Lex hated hearing me call myself that. I changed the subject fast. It wasn't supposed to be all intense. I just wanted it to be nice, and simple so we made out some more. Then I sucked the hugest hickey onto his neck. He was more than happy to allow it.

He told me something that made my heart pound. He told me he belongs to me! I was so thrilled to hear this. It made me so happy. I told him I love him. He say ditto which is cool since that is what we agreed on. I don't mind at all. I know that one day he'll say the L word again. and it will mean so much more when it happens because I know he will truly mean it.

I was so relaxed that I happily jerked him off. That still makes me blush to see in words. He looked so beautiful under the stars coming all over my hand. Just before he came, I told him he was mine, and that I would always catch him no matter what.

He drove me home. I was so happy I wanted to wake up my mom and tell her all about it. I just went to bed and jerked off with the vision of Lex in my head. He's so hot.

current mood: ecstatic

My angel cuts through my defenses. After a day with my father, in general I’m a danger to be around. But my angel softens all the edges, and replaces them with his own warm intensity, with his hot exploring kisses and his roaming learning hands. My whole body aches for him even now. So if my father attempted to stake his claim with a large cold statue of an angel looming over me, my angel stakes his claim with warm flesh and the pressure of his lips on my skin and the simple word ‘mine’. Enough to make me lose myself and come in his grasp as if he were all there was, as if my father didn’t exist, as if nothing existed but us and the stars and whatever it is that binds us irrevocably together.

Friends-only post

LL just left, and so has ended our night together. *sigh*

We had such an amazing time! I'm more at peace with things than I have been in a long time. It's all thanks to her too!

First, we went out to dinner and just talked about everything and nothing at the same time. Then, when we got back to my house, we talked talked. I laid everything I had been thinking out on the table, like how guilty I felt about bringing up my feelings for CK and how I envied her his attention. It should have been awkward, I suppose, but it wasn't at all! It was really refreshing to be able to talk to her about all that had been bothering me for the last two weeks, like knocking down a dam and just letting the flood spill!

After the air had been cleared of all the obstacles and weights, I felt so free, and she must have sensed that, because things got very comfortable very quickly! We started making out, and she was pushing some major limits, breaking boundaries that I had not dared to push beyond what we had done before just because I didn't want to put any pressure on her, but... She bought new underwear (don't know if it was a set *blushes* but got to see the bra *grins*), and she was actually pretty eager to show it off, because she took off her shirt. When she suggested I do the same (another bold move that took me pleasantly by surprise), I showed her that I could play at this game too, and I told her to take it off if she wanted that so badly. She did, and we were heavily into it by this point. I love the way she moves and moans at my touch! It does wicked hot things to my brain! I used my hand to make her come. (Before any conclusions are jumped to, she was still wearing her jeans and my hand was on the outside of them. Sorry if that tidbit is a little anti-climactic, but I just don't think she's ready for anything like that yet.)

We fell asleep very soon afterwards, and it was the most peaceful, best night's sleep I've had in a long time! She and I had breakfast (which I made, but probably wasn't great, because I rarely cook), and then she had to go. I miss her, but I feel like she's still here too. :)

I've gotta motor if I want to make that movie. I figured since LL won't be around and I'm all caught up on my work for the paper, I might as well do something recreational. I've been eager to see Alien: The Director's Cut, so I'm leaving for the theater in a few minutes. (It's a miracle I even found a place in the area where it's playing, so I'm taking advantage of that little advantage while I can!) I saw the original with Lois when I was a kid (she insisted on showing it to me and scaring the living hell out of me with it), so it's kind of a fun sci-fi/horror film thing from my childhood. It would be nice if Lois and I could be going together to see it, but she's probably still preoccupied, pursuing a game of paparazzi with PlayBoy or something. *shrugs*

Now I know I'm in love, because the thought of that doesn't even piss me off. LOL! Speaking of which, might have been nice to ask LL, but I really don't think this kind of thing is her cup of tea. Honestly, I'm lucky my Angel/Spike desktop and screensavers don't kill her by shock value ;)

Oh, to anyone who left me comments, I'll answer them when I get home later, I promise.

This is Girl F reporting, happy as ever!

friends-locked

Chloe and I are back on track. We talked about everything and I think that this time, we really managed to come to an understanding.

I didn’t realize how much Chloe had still been thinking about the issues that we fought about two weeks ago. She laid out all her concerns last night and really let me look into her fears, into her soul. The one thing that bothers her the most is that we cannot be more open about our relationship in this town. It upsets her very much, way more than me.

Chloe doesn’t feel the same connection to our town as I do since she only moved here a few years ago; it’s not her town in the way it is mine. Add to this that if we lived in Metropolis, where she grew up, we probably could be very open about our relationship. This disparity between here and there really weighs heavily on her mind. So in some way we both feel constrained by the expectations of the people here, but for very different reasons. I promised her that next time we go to Metropolis, we would not hide. I’m as sick of it as she is. I want to know what it is like to kiss her in the street and not be afraid of the consequences.

The other issue that we talked about again is the future, or rather, why some distant future should have any impact on our relationship now. It shouldn’t, but I can’t help thinking about it. What I have with Chloe now will influence who I am in the future, and my relationship with her will always be a part of me. Also, I have come to the realization that it is entirely possible that there might be other women at some point, in case she and I broke up--poor Chloe freaked a little when I mentioned even the possibility of breaking up so I dropped the subject really quickly. I think Chloe is really afraid that someone could take me away from her, and I really hope that I convinced her last night that there is no one else I want besides here.

After all the talking we moved on to some other things. The new underwear was a complete success, even if it didn’t exactly stay on for very long :). I have to confess that I feel a bit overwhelmed by the way I lose myself when she touches me. She makes me want so much, and then some more. It’s so intense that I have no idea what to do with myself besides squirm and moan (sorry if this is TMI, I’m just trying to give you a sense of what it’s like).

And we haven’t even really had sex yet–although I am not so sure about that . . . I don’t know where to draw the boundaries in our case. Let’s just say there are things we could do that we haven’t yet. But I asked her for them, last night, just before we fell asleep. Now I’m a little worried. I want to but I’m also scared. Maybe I should tell her although I am not sure I could actually get the words out. It’s just that if we do decide to have sex, I don’t want to have to think about anything, like ‘is this okay or not.’ I just want to go, and go, and not stop.

Today has been a weird one. I've mainly just chilled, watched some soccer on the idiot box, and thought about the good time I had yesterday at CK's.

I went round for lunch which was really nice, and we hung out and played some ball. I talked to him about me and Jody, and everything that's happened. I think once I started talking, I realized how much I'd missed him. I mean we used to tell each other everything when we were kids - hardly missed a day of seeing each other and hanging out, playing games and driving his mum and dad nuts!

I just hope that one day soon, he'll share some of what's been happening in his life with me, like I did with him today

God. The other night was hellish.

Yeah, the kid's okay, and that's good, I guess.

Maybe it will give him time to figure out what's in front of him. A father who will do anything to make sure he's all right. Even make himself look bad in his son's eyes.

And the eyes of the people his son wants to impress.

So of course, after whatever it was went to hell, I had to pick up the pieces of my love. He was drunk, and I put him to bed, holding him until he slept.

I wish I could do more. But it's enough for now.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: The Sounds Of Silence - Simon & Garfunkel

The papers have calmed down. The stories seem to be taking a back seat to real news. I'm ignoring them mostly. :)

This was a pretty typical day for me. Woke up went to school, did about a hundred chores when I came home. My mom was in a real weird mood. I gave her a hug and told her I loved her. She looked at me like I'm a freak. Well, not a freak but you know what I mean. She was surprised but happy.

I delivered the produce today as I do every Monday. I couldn't stay long since I still had a million chores. My parents are total slave drivers.

Now I'm being a good boy, and doing my homework. Go me. I need to take an apple pie break. Mmmm pie.

Need to go for a run now.

current mood: anxious

First I would like to extend belated thanks to the anonymous donor who gifted me with another two months of live journal time. As I’ve said before, your encouragement is meaningful to me, and I especially appreciate that you have all stuck with me when perhaps I have not been as considerate of you, my readers, as I could be.

I have not had an outlet such as this in my life before. Just as I have not had someone in my life such as my angel before. These are new experiences to me, and new emotions. In the past, B served as both to me – the one friend in whom I could confide. And I have always trusted him. But I also always held things back, certain parts of me that I kept to myself only. My angel rips those from me, and the release is cathartic. And now, in a strange twist, I share them here with you, in this somewhat public forum that even my father might be able to access. While this should concern me, what I feel instead is a strange sense of empowerment. I’ve always been defiant, said that I didn’t care what people think, that I would do what I want regardless of the disapproval of others. But in truth I’ve hidden myself, my exhibitionism the flip side of my instinct to self-protection.

I know that change is not immediate, but with my angel’s love and your concern, I feel like a different person with a different future.

Friends-only post

The last twenty-four hours have just been beyond belief... First, I finally realize I'm head-over-feet in love with LL and then I spend the best time with her last night. Now, I come home and the weirdest thing catches me totally off guard:

My Dad knows about me and LL!

I spent some time out on the town after the movie, just kind of walking around, a little browsing around the stores, and I only got in a couple hours ago. My Dad was still up, and he was sitting in the kitchen, looking really nervous and unusually quiet. I know my Dad, and that's always an obvious clue that something is on his mind. I asked him what was up and he just said that I should know I could tell him anything... I told him I knew that already...

So at this point, I'm a little nervous myself, but I'm thinking the typical deep and hot water at school or even with the law... though those things get my Dad to issue soft-hearted lectures on my studies or curbing my journalism within safe lines. He wasn't doing any of that. He was just sitting there, looking to me as if I could offer him some comfort from his worries...

It didn't get any better or any easier when he asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about. My reporter skills kicked in and I answered a question I really didn't want to answer with a question of my own. I asked him, "Why?" in a very "Is there something you want to talk about?" kind of non-defensive way.

It took an extended gap of uneasy silence before he asked outright (and I have to hand it to him, because my Dad is never this brave--hell, he never worked up the courage to give me my sex talk, so he left that job to Lois!), he asked if I was "seeing" LL...

If it's possible to sound like a dear caught in the headlights, that was me at that moment as I replied with a quiet, "What?"

He proceeded so delicately, like he was afraid I'd freak out, and honestly, I probably would have if he hadn't been acting so calm. He spoke really softly, and come to think of it, the whole time I don't think either of us raised our voices. We are all either of us has in the world, and our father-daughter relationship is based on a lot of simple but important things like trust and respect, and my Dad has never treated me like I was a child, but instead he always treats me like I were an adult. It's important to understand this, because you have to see how things are to know why this conversation went as it did.

My Dad laid everything out on the table, all the evidence that had led him to this conclusion. I hadn't even thought it had amassed much, but he noticed. The way it sounded, it was almost right in his face. The night he came home late from work and LL and I had fallen asleep in a very comfortable position on the couch was when he first noticed how close we seemed. I guess he just shook it off and chalked it up to girls stuff he's never fully understood. Then, he said he accidentally overheard me talking on the phone to LL when I called her to make plans for last night. I had specifically mentioned doing something to "celebrate our one-month anniversary" and that was the initial tip-off. Last night, he said he... heard us in the room when he passed by my door in the hall (LL tried to warn me we were being a little loud, but I dismissed the idea completely, certain he was already in bed and fast asleep *smacks self*). He assured me that once he had a pretty good idea what was going on, he quickly stopped listening and retreated into his room for the night. Invasion of my privacy has never been an issue between us, and I know he was really embarrassed to have found out like this. I was awfully cozy with LL this morning over breakfast too (not in any sexual sort of way, but I guess looking at us, he saw enough to cement the notion that we were acting like a couple).

Confronted with all this, I had two choices. Lie to my Dad, which I've never done, or do exactly what I ended up doing and telling him the truth. I just said that we've been going out for a month and that I believe what I'm doing is right, because I really care about her. My Dad knows me, and he knows I wouldn't do anything without good cause or if my heart wasn't in it. He got really quiet, and just sat there passive for a few minutes, and then he asked me if I was happy, and I said yes. He could see how much I meant that, and he even mentioned that there were times in the last month when he noticed I seemed to be bursting with it.

Of course, he tacked on a fatherly tidbit of advice, just warning me that in a small town like ours, this kind of thing could be so difficult that it could cause major problems. He said he didn't want me to get hurt, and he hated to think of me having to suffer because of the closed-minded people out there... You know, there are a lot of times I take my Dad for granted, but it's times like tonight that I am reminded just how much I love him and how grateful I am that he's my father.

After that little parental disclaimer (which really was the exact same speech he gave me when I told him I was serious about wanting to be a reporter, just things about being careful and he didn't like his daughter being in harm's way, but that he would support me no matter what if that was what I really wanted), he told me all of the above and that he loved me. It was already pretty late by then, so he had to go to bed and get some rest, but he hugged me before he went.

I think I spent the next fifteen minutes crying after he went upstairs, either because I was so relieved or because I was so happy, or probably both. Then, I came up to my room and here I am! :)

I have to discuss what happened with LL tomorrow after school. I'm more or less expecting her to panic at first, but hopefully, she'll take it better than not once she realizes there's no reason to worry...

Wish me luck!

This is Girl F reporting.

friends only post

Telling lies comes naturally to me after all these years. I told a lot of them yesterday. I had no time to write this out and something really big happened to me.

(I will probably blush all the way through as I write)

When I did the deliveries, I said nothing happened, but that's not quite true. Lex was very horny. He pulled me into his office, and locked the door behind us. I didn't even have time to breath. I was hard so fast it hurt. We started to make out against his pool table. I grabbed him, and lifted him up onto it. It got pretty hot. I couldn't help myself. He was just so sexy I pulled off his shirt, and tossed it aside, and then he pulled off mine.

I jerked him off, which was totally hot, and then he pulled me to the edge of the table, and sucked me off right there against the pool table in his office. He got down on his knees, and did this thing with his tongue that gets me hard every time I think about it. So now, instead of getting hard 50 times a day, I get hard 100 times a day. He even deep throated me, which WOW, totally rocks. It was so amazing! He blew my mind away.

He stopped sucking me off, which I wanted to complain about, but I was too afraid he'd stop altogether, so I didn't. He stood and told me to look into his eyes as he jerked me off. I couldn't even talk for ten minutes after I came all over him.

The site of my cock in Lex's mouth was more than enough to erase the vision of him with that other guy.

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My mom and Chloe suspect something. My mom had a talk with me last night. She told me to come, and talk to her if there was anything on my mind. She also told me she has heard me go out late at night. All those times when I was going out to see Lex she knew about it. I told her about the runs. I mean it's somewhat true. I did go for runs some of those times. She doesn't need to know that almost all of them end at the castle.

I told her I was just upset over the fact that LL is not available to me. I wonder what she would say if she knew the half of it?

I wasn't sure what else to say to her. At least I know that she'll be there for me for whatever. Maybe I could somehow find out what she thinks about being gay. I wouldn't know how to that without tipping her off.

After that, LL called. I couldn't believe what happened. CS's dad knows about them, and he's cool about it! She has such an understanding father. The only thing he's worried about is what would happen to them if people found out. We are in a small town, and sometimes people aren't known for their open-mindedness.

LL sounded so happy. She was calling to tell me that CS wants me to confide in her. I feel weird about this. I mean, I know I shouldn't have confided in LL at all. It was unfair to Lex and it was unfair to CS. I'm not sure how to handle this. I'm not excluding her because I don't trust her. I didn't tell LL over her because I care less for CS. It just felt right at the time. I wanted LL to feel good.

It wasn't a complete lie when I told my mom about liking LL still. I do, sort of. It's weird, she's so pretty, and when I look at her, I want to hold her and protect her. I know it's not the same with Lex. When I look at him, I want to make him a part of me. I want to hold him and never let go. I want to know that he is safe, and will always be there no matter what. I also want to kiss him and do other stuff to him.

I wish I could figure out what to do. I'm waiting in the newspaper office for her to show. Maybe by the time she gets here, I'll figure it out.

I tasted him for the first time. I couldn’t help myself. I just felt…my spirits were high, I felt so lucky to have him, to be in this new place, to have managed to escape my own attempts to sabotage my happiness. And when he lifted me up on the pool table and pressed me against it, both of our shirts landing in a pile on the far edge of the room (mine perhaps worse for the wear than his)…I just had this feeling of elation, of abandon, of joy. His touch on me now is so confident, so intent, like his hand is just meant to be on my cock, seared there, milking everything from me.

When I next could feel my body, all I knew was that I wanted him to feel the same. And so I pulled him to the edge of the pool table and sunk to my knees. I just wanted to taste him…to feel him in my mouth and on my lips. I once talked about how I wanted to suck the purity from him but it wasn’t like that at all. I could feel him shudder, feel him respond in every moment as I took him in, though he tried to maintain control, but all I wanted was for him to feel, to be, and I wanted to see him, to feel him, to erase all the boundaries and all the distance.

It was strange but suddenly I felt too far away, on my knees like that. I wanted to see into his eyes, I needed to. I pulled myself up, licked my way up his chest to his neck and bit. He shuddered though I hadn’t bitten hard enough to mark. I didn’t feel the need to mark him though, just to feel his cock pulse in my hand and see the look in his eyes when he came from my touch.

I rendered him catatonic. Not to brag. But he did the same to me, so fair is fair.

Meetings with B all day today. I’m sick of the reporters trailing us. I’m sick of the headlines and the speculations. Tomorrow we plan to meet here, to avoid the press. Though that will only fuel their speculations, if they catch him coming here. Things with my angel are going so well. I know we are in a different place. That he won’t react in the same way as before to the articles and to B’s visit.

If he forgave so quickly and completely my moment of weakness, then he can’t still hold to his suspicions and doubts? Or will his fears have that much more weight now?

I can’t not see B. Both personally and professionally he will be in my life. But if I lose my angel over him…

Perhaps I’m just not in the best of minds at the moment. It’s been a long day. I would like to see my angel but at the same time I don’t know if I am comfortable with this hold he has over me. I should be able to relax without his touch.

Chloe’s dad knows about us. Yeah, it was quite the shock, but now it’s okay, good even.

She drove me home from school, and that’s when she told me. Apparently, her dad asked her about us yesterday, as in if Chloe and I were together. It seems like we were pretty loud on Saturday after all, which I am so so embarrassed about! And a little angry, to be honest, because I told Chloe that I was worried her dad might hear us. But she reassured me he wouldn’t. Oh well, it doesn’t matter now (besides the fact that I won’t be able to look him in the eye for a while!).

I was a little freaked out when Chloe first told me but as she said how cool her dad was with this, I calmed down. When I think about it now I have to agree with Chloe that it’s a really good development. It might be good to have one adult know about us, and to have a place where Chloe and I can be together without being afraid.

As soon as I got over the initial shock I wondered if my aunt might have some suspicions as well. I mean if Chloe’s dad, who according to Chloe really isn’t the nosy type, found out then there certainly would be a chance for my aunt to ponder the possibility as well. But then Chloe talked me out of it by pointing out that my aunt probably couldn’t even imagine me being with a girl, and I agreed, remembering how my neighbor joked about this a few weeks ago (he said Chloe and I could kiss in front of my aunt and she wouldn’t catch on).

Anyway, that tiny reference turned into a full-blown discussion over why my neighbor confides certain things in me, and not in Chloe. I was so worried that we would get to the subject of him and the millionaire but thank god we didn’t. I wouldn’t have known what do to then. But this is a much bigger issue anyway. It seems as if my neighbor never really talks to Chloe about anything, and she is very upset about this, which I can completely understand. I mean, he is one of her best friends, and she’d do anything for him, and he can’t even talk to her. Chloe got so worked up about it that she started crying. It almost broke my heart.

I know I had to do something, so I called my neighbor after dinner. I first told him that Chloe’s dad knows about me and Chloe (my neighbor was totally stunned as well), and then asked him about why he doesn’t talk to Chloe. He said he didn’t know so I pushed a little, and he said that he’s afraid she’d turn his relationship with the millionaire into a news story (which she’d obviously never do!). He got really angry. I think that was mostly because he’s been under a lot of stress lately, and after he calmed down a bit, he actually promised me to talk to Chloe–for real. Have an actual meaningful and personal conversation with her. I hope he goes through with that.

My neighbor also told me how hard it’s been for him, having this secret relationship with the millionaire. I don’t think I can quite understand; sure, it’s hard for me and Chloe too, but it doesn’t exactly compare. On top of that, it seems like my neighbor’s mom suspects something and confronted him about it. Ironically, my neighbor said he was hung up on me. Well as long as that keeps his mom off his back, it’s fine with me. I just really hope his parents won’t find out. While I can sort of imagine his mom to accept this, his dad never will. He hates the millionaire’s family with a passion and I think he wouldn’t be thrilled to find out his son is in love with another guy. I don’t even want to begin to imagine the consequences–the millionaire could go to jail, and my neighbor thrown out of the house. At least my neighbor is happy with millionaire.

God, I wish all of this wasn’t so complicated. So many secrets and lies, just because of who we fell in love with.

Oh, and thank you to GG for making this new icon for me! I'll do my best to live up to it.

Things with Chloe went well. She showed up at the office just after I posted yesterday, which was around 5:40. She was tense at first when she saw me, but then I brought up her favorite subject: the school paper. She seemed happy after that. We hung for a bit, and talked. It was nice to be with her.

Things with my mom, however, did not. This time instead of sneaking out I asked permission. She seemed fine with it. Which is cool. She trusts me. I got to the castle to find Lex drunk. I'm really worried about him. He was drunk because BW is coming by the castle today. He was worried about how I would react. They are fed up with the press following them everywhere they go so to avoid them, they're going to be at the castle. I'm fine with that.

I feel responsible. I mean if I wasn't so jealous of BW, and if I hadn't reacted so poorly to the situation... I know in the end that Lex is responsible for his own action, but I can't help feel like I contributed to his mood. Lex claimed he always drinks.

He spilled his drink all over my back when we hugged which sucked since my mom was waiting for me when I got home. I lost track of time too, so that didn't help. Mom was really mad. She threatened to ground me. It's so humiliating. I didn't drink. I would never drink. She even smelled my breath.

I took Lex up to his room, and we just sort of fooled around with no climax. He was really playful, and strange so I just tried to keep it light. I didn't want to sound like an AA add.

He's probably over at the mansion right now with Bruce. I'll call first before going over. I don't want Lex to think I don't trust him.

I do trust him.

friends locked post

I think I frightened my angel last night. When he came over I was working my way through an expensive bottle of scotch. It wasn’t as if I were passed out or raving, just introspective, in that quiet, warm place where alcohol can bring you sometimes. Where all the edges are a little softer.

I knew that I needed to tell him about B’s upcoming visit. And I was unsure how he’d react.

The thing about my angel is that in some ways he is truly young. He’s been raised by good, moral people, and at times I think he sees things in black and white. I hate to think how I must appear when rendered in such a simple color scheme. When he saw that I was drunk, his concern was disproportionate. And when I, in an misguided attempt to be honest, told him what I was worried about – he took it all on himself, as if he were the cause of my total drunken depravity (and again, keep in mind, I wasn’t even that drunk – as is evidenced by my fairly lucid memory of the events as they transpired).

He asked if he was too much for me, if we were too much.

If only I could have told him, then, that it was exactly the fear of his loss that was plaguing me.

Maybe he saw it in my eyes. I don’t know.

At the time I didn’t feel that I would best express myself verbally, so I tried to do so physically. I thought perhaps my kisses, my touch, my hands in his hair, would let him know…

He said that he was not upset about B. That he had stopped reading the papers. That he trusts me.

I feel that I am a different person when with him. I’d rather be that person but I don’t know if I can keep it up.

Friends-only post

I was ahead on my work for lab, so the teacher let me go early this period. Of course, I came straight to my office, having been dismissed from class a full half-hour early. While that gives me time, it doesn't allow much to start any work, so here I am online.

I've been busy with school and the paper the last couple days, so there isn't a hell of a lot to report. Though I have had a few interesting conversations (springing from the only real contact I've had with anyone lately).

Monday night I told LL that my Dad now knows about us. She got pretty anxious at first, but then she seemed to feel better after I explained that my Dad is cool with this, and just has his usual concerns he'd have about anything (because he acts the same way and says the same things whenever I express a heartfelt interest in anything, from journalism to boys... and now girls).

Then, the conversation took this really weird turn, because she mentioned some joke CK had made about LL's aunt being oblivious enough that LL doesn't have to worry about her figuring it out. (This joke of CK's came up because LL expressed concern that her aunt would be able to put it together the way my father did, but I reassured her that her aunt would probably be too mired in denial to even entertain the notion.) After talking about it with LL, it became pretty clear that CK opens up to her... a lot! Just hearing her confusion and surprise when I mentioned that every time I've tried to talk to CK, I'm the one who does all the "talking", it became very clear that he confides in her so much more than he ever does me. I could be exaggerating because (I won't lie) this evidence really hurts, but my instinctive gut tells me I'm right.

I hate that I broke down and cried a little over this in front of LL (but at least I didn't cry as much as I would have and have without her there). She probably said something to CK, because he was waiting for me in my office after school yesterday. Things were pretty awkward at first (talk about tension you could cut with a knife!), because nothing seemed to have changed! There was enough of the same old denial, distance and evasive maneuvers to make me wonder why he even bothered to try! I didn't even mention Mr. X once, and I still met the defense head-on!

Nothing got too heated, because CK cleverly distracted me practically right off the bat, asking me about the article I'm working on for this issue of the paper. He knew that tangent would do the trick, and I played right into it. I must be under some stupid spell when he's around, because I fell for the bait, and it wasn't until after he left that I realized he had stonewalled me again! One-way communication must be part of the spell, because no matter how I was feeling before he was there, when he's right in front of me, I spill everything and anything he asks me to. I lay all my cards out on the table, and he walks away with his still in his pocket!

This wouldn't matter at all if he weren't the best friend I have and have ever had! I used to play with him the few summers my Dad brought us back to his hometown (ie. here) when we were kids. After that, we didn't see each other for years and when we did again, it took months to realize we had met or ever known each other before. Then, my Dad moved us to this transmundane little hamlet, and he was the first friend I made and he's one of the only ones I have today. (None of this is counting LL, because she is my girlfriend *smiles* and that's a completely different story. I talked to her last night too, btw, and I tried to suppress how upset I was over the whole encounter with CK, but some of it definitely leaked out... literally, as in my tears falling on the receiver of the phone, but I told her I was coping, and I'm trying my best to do just that.)

Well, now I know what they mean by "on the outside looking in." I could understand if this was about a story I was doing because lots of people have ethical objections to things I've written including CK at one time or another, but this is not about my innate reporter, it's about me and someone who is supposed to be my best friend!

Time's up. If I don't motor for my next class now, I'll get detention, and with the work I need to do here at the office this afternoon, that's time I can't afford to waste.

This is Girl F reporting.

I have to warn you: I am currently really frustrated and need to vent. About Chloe and my neighbor, to be precise.

See, he promised to really talk to her, remember? So I called her last night to find out how it went. As it turns out, he did not open up to her. Again. And she was totally upset. Again. Argh!! I think she tried to hide how upset she was but I could tell that she was crying. I wanted to kick my neighbor’s ass so badly last night after talking to her. The only thing that kept me from walking over to his house and doing precisely that was that I understand where he is coming from as well. Hence the frustration.

I understand why Chloe is upset–they are very close friends, and she has always been completely open with him about what’s going on in her life. She would like him to share at least some of his life with her as well. Since he continuously refuses to do that, she believes that he doesn’t feel close to her, or trusts her as much as she does. On top of that he confides in me, so it’s not as if he simply can’t or won’t talk to anyone.

On the other hand, I also understand where my neighbor is coming from. He is scared to death about what might happen if someone finds out about him and the millionaire, especially if his parents or the media find out. And he is right to be afraid, to a certain extent. Also, it’s not like he chose to tell me. I think I was in the right place at the right time, and he cracked. It just came out and he couldn’t take it back, and now is relieved he has at least one person to talk to.

I don’t know what to do! This would be a lot easier if I felt that one of them was right or wrong. But they both have valid reasons for why they feel and act the way they do. I guess the only thing I can do right now is try to convince my neighbor that he really can trust Chloe as much as he trusts me, and to ask Chloe to be patient.

On a lighter note, my aunt told me today that she has three invitations for the opening of a new exhibition at the art museum in Metropolis for this coming Sunday. She asked if Whitney and I want to come with her, and I said yes. I mean, I could hardly say that I’d rather go with Chloe. But I think this is a good opportunity to go to Metropolis with Chloe for the day before the reception so that we can maybe try out some of that new openness we talked about :). I wonder if my neighbor is invited to the reception as well. It is hosted by the millionaire so it could very well be.

I just had breakfast with Lex. It was so nice. We sat close together and had pancakes, eggs and bacon. He invited me last night when I called to see if I could stop by. He told me I shouldn't stop by right after my mom had been to visit him so I stayed at home. I can't believe my mom did that. I know she's worried, but to go check up on me like that ...

I suppose I should panic now. Mom is very perceptive. I think I might have mentioned that.

Breakfast was great. BW walked in while Lex, and I were kissing. He didn't say a word, he just turned and walked out. I caught a look of something. Not sure what. Maybe frustration. Or annoyance. I kissed Lex harder after that. I was so overjoyed that BW saw. Now maybe he'll realize how we feel.

I don't trust him though. I hate that he's staying over at the mansion with Lex. It's true he's in a separate wing, but still, I just don't trust him. I hardly know the guy.

Maybe I'll stop by later tonight just to say hi to Lex and tuck him in. With BW watching. :)

Gotta' run. I have a class to get to, and I am totally late.

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My angel’s mother paid me a visit yesterday. Told my staff it was urgent, had me called out of meetings with B. Which, I must say, shows a certain amount of nerve on her part. She is someone I respect instinctively.

She came to inquire about my intentions (her phrase) with her son. I must say her wording choice caught me off guard. But I highly doubt that she meant it as it sounded to me. Of course I reassured her that I have his best interests at heart, and that I value him as a close friend, and am honored that he calls me his friend.

She invited me to dinner.

My angel called in the evening, wanting to come over. And though, after a day of meetings, I certainly wished to seek solace in him, I told him that perhaps, due to his mother’s concern, he had better stay in. So he came by instead for breakfast this morning. I had the staff prepare a full meal, eggs, pancakes, bacon. I love to watch that boy eat.

I’m glad to have started the day out this way, because today promises to be fairly unpleasant. My father called yesterday evening and requested that he and B and I all meet regarding our current business dealings. So my father, once again, is coming to visit. And this also means that B stayed the night last night and will again tonight. I told my angel this and he took it very well. Perhaps the bacon appeased him.

B is enigmatic, as always, about this turn of events. I know he doesn’t care for my father, but he keeps his feelings to himself. In fact, he’s kept much to himself this visit.

Coffee seems a necessary salve this morning. I’d like to spike it with something, but it’s a bit too early for that.

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After having a long talk with Lana yesterday, I did a few chores to burn off excess energy. I never realized how upset I was about everything that's happening until I talked it out. I really thought I could handle it.

The talk was hard. Lana told me Chloe is hurt by the fact that I haven't told her about what's happening with Lex. She's upset because I can't seem to confide in her even though we're supposed to be good friends. I told Lana that I wasn't going to tell Chloe any time soon so she would just have to deal. Lana suggested I tell Chloe that there is something going on but that I just couldn't tell her. It seems odd to do that, but maybe I should.

I kind of blurted out that Lex and I are 'fucking'. I mean he did get down on his knees, and give me a blowjob. That's fucking isn't it?

If my mom really suspects something, I don't know what to do. How do I make her understand what it is that I am feeling? Some people have suggestion it might help if I talk to her, but the thought makes my stomach churn. I'm not ready for this.

private post

That will teach me to go over to the mansion, and spy on Bruce. Last night I just couldn't take it anymore.

He saw. He knows. I didn't tell him the truth about me, but Bruce saw. I went over late last night, and sneaked my way into the mansion. Since he was in a separate wing it was easy enough to hide in the room beside his. I x-rayed through the wall and watched. I just wanted to see for myself that he wasn't doing anything with Lex.

Everything would have been fine if it hadn't been for the burglar who broke into his wing and tried to shoot Bruce. I didn't even think. I just ran in used my speed, knocked the robber out, and jumped into the path of the bullet. When it was all over I turned in horror to see Bruce standing there staring at me with a look of confusion on his face. I didn't know what to say.

He saw me use my speed, and my strength, and he saw the bullet bounce off me. Even if he didn't see it bounce, it wasn't as if I had a hole in me. The lack of blood gave away the fact that it didn't enter me.

I'm calmer now, but last night I totally freaked. He didn't say a word except to tell me to leave, and that he would take care of the robber.

I didn't go home. I went straight to Lex's room. I was afraid something might happen to him. I didn't know if the burglar was alone or if he had a friend. I told myself I was just making sure he was fine. He was asleep when I entered his room. He woke up as soon as I slipped into his bed. It was so nice to be in his arms. He pulled off my shirt and we snuggled. I was hard almost instantly. We didn't do anything other than kiss a little, and touch above the waist. It was nice.

Lex likes to snuggle. I bet that is information he'd rather not have go public.

I know about secrets. I've had to keep one my whole life. Another secret isn't really that big a deal. I think that it's because I have to keep this one from mom and dad that makes it so hard. I love my mom and dad and they have always been such a source of strength for me. Never mind that I am probably the strongest person (alien) on the planet.

My angel slipped into my bed sometime during the night. I am a light sleeper; I knew right away that I was not alone. He is just lucky that I realized it was him before I acted. As it was, my only action was to tug off his shirt, to seek warm skin and muscle.

So it was a full house last night. B, my father, my angel and myself all under one roof. Fortunately the castle is ostentatiously large enough that my angel and I might as well have been completely alone.

He left early, to keep his family from noticing his absence. And thus I am, for the moment, alone. But I'm sure my father will descend upon me soon, wishing to impart some final spars before he returns to the city.

Apparently there was an attempted burglary in my home last night. No one bothered to wake me. B told my staff he had it all in hand, and not to disturb me till morning.

Of course, I had to listen to my father’s mandatory lecture about the need for better security. I refuse to live my life behind walls protecting me from the populace. However, the fact that there was a break in is somewhat disturbing. Fortunately the burglar was apprehended, and no one was hurt. I’m not concerned for myself, but B was here. And my angel. And my father. Although I have no doubt my father can take care of himself. I’m sure he’d send an army of burglars running.

Still, I’ll have to expand my staff. This is especially frustrating as B and I came here to escape the press and the paparazzi. And yet even in my own home I can’t be left alone.

My father said something else, as well. He insinuated that he had seen my angel leaving B’s room. My angel said nothing of this to me. Why was he there? Did he know about the robbery? Was he checking up on B? He has assured me that he trusts me, that he’s worked through the jealousy that was so rampant at B’s last visit.

I’d like to think that my father made the whole thing up, but even I can admit that is unlikely.

I can’t get this dream out of me. It’s been hours and I’ve tried to clear my head. Perhaps if I write it down here, that will somehow solidify it and it will lose its hold on me. Clark’s been possessive before but this was different. Just the thought of it makes me hard. Holding me down, feeling the pain of it rush through me like a drug. As he beat me. Slapped me.

But then, it shifts. Welts rise up, and first they are on my own skin. Red and angry. And it is I who am doing the beating. And there’s so much anger there. And first it was Clark, and then it wasn’t. It was my father. And fuck I wanted to hit him so hard.

I don’t understand. Or at least I don’t want to understand. I mean, of course I am angry with my father. No surprise there. But to merge the two…and in that way…

Clark has too much of a hold on me. They both do.

This afternoon, I went to talk to my neighbor again, about the situation with Chloe and him. For some reason we ended up talking about sex. I can’t believe he and the millionaire are fucking (his words! Sorry for being crude). But more about that later.

He was up in is loft, in the barn, and I could tell right away that something was wrong. But he insisted he was fine so I didn’t want to push. We started off with what I thought would be a light topic, namely the reception. Turns out, the millionaire has not asked him to come (yet), so this obviously upset him, especially since I couldn’t hide my surprise at these news. I mean, I was certain my neighbor had been invited.

Well, at least it got us talking about what upset him. Mr. Gotham is in town again and staying at the mansion, and my neighbor is wary that he might make a move on the millionaire (apparently, he has before). He felt really bad about being jealous, since obviously the millionaire would never cheat on him. I can understand it though...I might be jealous too if Chloe spent lots of time with an old flame.

Then we got talking about Chloe. Things got frustrating and upsetting then. My neighbor just seems unable to understand that Chloe just wants a little insight into his life. Unfortunately, he equates “little insight” with “telling her about me and the millionaire.” He got very upset, and he yelled at me that he couldn’t give in to Chloe’s drive to know his secrets. I didn’t know what to say. And then all of a sudden, he started apologizing for letting his worries make him leash out on me. God, he is such a mess! His feelings are all over the place because of the pressure he’s under with keeping his relationship secret.

But there's more. Besides all the stuff involving Mr. Gotham, his mom went to see the millionaire to have a little talk with him so now my neighbor thinks his mom might suspect something. Knowing his mom, she probably has a very good idea what is going on. The situation is screwed up, really. His mom most likely knows, and my neighbor very badly wants to at least tell her that he’s gay (yeah, he did say that! I was surprised to hear that as well) but he is afraid his dad will find out and hate him forever. So he just keeps it bottled up inside and is totally miserable.

For some reason, the conversation then turned from melodramatic to kinky. Well, a little kinky. He asked me if I had gotten “lucky” with Chloe. I pretended I didn’t understand what he wanted to know because I knew he’d get all flustered and embarrassed. He did, but he totally got me to blush too, so we are even. I told him that Chloe and I had done stuff but we hadn’t really had sex yet. He and the millionaire, on the other hand, well, I already told you. I feel so bad because I wanted to ask him a few details, like if it's really painful but I think he would have died of embarrassment so I refrained. I am still curious, though...

Anyway. We had a really good conversation. Again. I don’t get it. We can just talk and talk, and he obviously opens up to me (granted, under coaxing, but still). I feel he tells me things he doesn’t tell anyone else. If Chloe hears we even talked about sex, she’s gonna be livid. I don’t want them to lose their friendship over this but I really don’t know what to do now. I am not sure anyone does. Maybe this just needs time.

I asked Chloe today if she'd like to go to Metropolis on Sunday, and she said yes. Actually, she was so happy that she almost bounced off the walls. Of course that might have also been due to the extra-large coffee she had during lunch :).

I left it up to her to plan our day out (hmm, "out" in more than one sense, I guess). Maybe we can even meet up with her infamous cousin, who I'd really like to meet. And afterward, the reception! I am actually quite excited. The exhibition sounds fabulous, and my aunt even bought me a new dress.

I didn't tell Chloe that I went to talk to my neighbor again. There is just no point to it right now because it wouldn't change anything. If she asks me if I talked to him again, I'd tell her of course. But maybe she's better off right now not knowing how much he confided in me.

I'm a little worried about my neighbor right now. He didn't go to school today, which is very odd. He's never sick, so I assume this has to with all the different crises he's trying to get through right now. I wish I could help him more, but at the moment the only thing I can do is keep his secrets and be there for him if he needs me.

But I should go. Whitney will be here any moment. We are going on a pseudo-date :). I'm actually glad to see him. We haven't spent much time together lately because he was really busy. If I didn't know better, I'd say he is avoiding me. Oh! my aunt is calling me. Gotta go.

I went over to see Lex last night. I finally got up the nerve to tell him how I've been feeling. About how terrified I am that my mom will find out about us. He's convinced my mom doesn't suspect, but he doesn't know her. She's got mom sense. I swear she gave me this look this morning.

I've been doing work all day, getting ready for harvest. Some things already needed to be harvested, but I guess the intricacies of farm life are probably very dull. I'm sure there are people on LJ that talk about farm life. I bet there are lots.

Mom made me harvest almost all the apples. On top of that one of the cows broke the fence. This is the first time I've had a chance to do anything that didn't involve getting covered in dirt. I only stopped because the stupid tractor broke down again. Dad has to wait until Monday to get a part for it. So it looks like I get a break tomorrow which is good because Lex has invited me to this gala thing in the city.

It took some convincing, but finally my mom, and dad said I could go. I called Lex to let him know. He was fine with that.

Last night things were kind of weird at first. We talked. He told me his father saw me leaving BW's room when I went by the other night. I didn't even know his dad was there. Lex was disappointed in me, but we talked it through. I also told him that I still have feelings for LL. I wanted to be honest. I thought he was going to break up with me, but he only suggested that maybe things would be easier if I was with her. Less stressful.

I let it slip that I told LL about us. Lex was livid. I don't blame him. I tried to make him understand that she wouldn't tell, and that I needed somebody to talk to about this. I think he understood. He wasn't happy about it but he seemed to be okay with it. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to tell another single person.

I guess that means CS will remain in the dark. I also told Lex that CS suspects something is up, but that LL has promised not to tell her. I'm sudden feel even more pressure. Maybe I should call LL, and stress to her how important it is that she not tell anybody. Ever.

When we were finished talking, I got down on my knees. I wanted to return his favor from earlier this week. He freaked, and told me to get up. I was so nervous. I was building up to it all day, and then he just told me we should keep it simple.

Stuff like this is what makes me love him even more. He was concerned that I wasn't ready for this big step. So instead we did more rubbing. I was so hard I thought I would explode when he touched me with his bare hand. It was so amazing, rubbing up against his bare stomach. I came all over him, and then I returned the favor. I was so tempted to bend down and lick. I already know what he tastes like since I've licked his come off my fingers before.

After that I was hungry so we went to get some sandwiches and pie. :)

Oh and earlier on we actually played a game of pool. Just in case you were wondering.

I questioned my angel last night about my father’s insinuation that he had been to visit B.

The conversation was difficult. At one point he asked me if I was breaking up with him. And as much as part of my instinct told me to run, its not in my nature, and I…just love him too much.

He admitted that he had been checking up on B, that he was still jealous, that he trusted me but not B.

But my angel shouldn’t be bandying about this term trust. Because, in his expressing his confusion to me, he let slip that he had told L about us. Remember L? His dark haired crush? He also admitted that he still had feelings for her, and perhaps for C, the reporter friend, too. Of course the fact that C and L are a couple no doubt hinders (or, rather, on second thought, probably exacerbates) his desire for them.

This is where the almost-breaking-up talk came in. I told him that he needed to be sure he really wants this with me. Tried to impress upon him how serious it would be were we found out. That the stakes are high for both of us. They are clearly taking a psychological toll on him, and if he still wants his girl-crush, wouldn’t it be so much easier for him to be with her?

Just my saying it though is like twisting a knife in my stomach. I want him – need him – so much I can’t breathe. But at the same time his jealousy and his youth and his unpredictability unnerve me. Things appear so black and white to him. I tried to convince him that he could take time, that he couldn’t dismiss this all as teen angst and forget about it. I need him to be sure, and I need him to get a handle on his feelings.

He agreed, and then promptly tried to blow me. I stopped him before he did anything he’d regret. That certainly wasn’t the context in which I would first want to see his lips engulf me. In fact, at that moment I didn’t think I really wanted anything from him. But then he straddled me, pressing me into the couch and he was so fucking hard and I know how large and I felt his big hands on my shoulder blades and fuck I just wanted. But we kept it simple. Hot, sweet, and simple. The best combination.

Friends locked post

I've had to work extra hard this week on the paper, which means extra long hours at the office. There was a string of problems with the layouts and the software that caused major setbacks and the delay would have run well into the weekend if I hadn't been working my ass off the last few days!

I had to make sure my weekend was clear, because I wanted to spend some time with LL! Other than my pathetic whining on the phone about CK drama, I haven't had a chance to just BS with her or see her really!

When I got home earlier tonight, my Dad asked why LL hadn't been over since Saturday. It's so funny, because he was genuinely concerned that she was avoiding the house or just him since he knew. (I told him that I told her about our little talk.) He said he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable here! *smiles* I reassured him that she was not doing anything like that, and that it was just my crazy schedule due to the troubleshooting at the paper, and having to make up for lost progress as per my editorial duties. So, he said he was glad to hear that she was not purposely staying away, and then he told me to invite her over for dinner tomorrow night! I'm really excited! This will be great and it'll get the three of us past any weirdness! I'm going to call LL first thing in the morning with the invitation! So I'll get to see her tomorrow :)

Plus, she already asked me about going into the city on Sunday because her aunt is taking her to some sort of reception. Of course, I jumped at the chance! I was a little fuzzy on those details, but I think she's going to this reception with her aunt and the QB? That would mean I'd just go straight to Lois' after LL split, and maybe I could introduce LL and my cousin then? Like I said, I have no clue what the plan is, except that we are going to be out! We will be walking around the city holding hands!! I'm so thrilled about this that even CK couldn't bring me down!

CK! I've officially decided he's a drama queen! He's suddenly looking very Angel-esque in that way! So I'm doing the Spike thing and branding him for what he is--a drama queen! LOL! Now I'm going to think of that every time he walks around pouting and putting this whole world-on-my-shoulders attitude and totally conspicuous secrecy air on, and he'll wonder why the hell I'm laughing. It'll be because I'm thinking of the other week's episode of Angel where Spike called Angel a spade :)

In a very weird way, that actually makes me feel better! It feels good to be able to make light of it, I guess.

Before I came online tonight, I watched this week's Angel which I taped since I was working at the time. *groans* Anyway... This episode of Angel was great! Poor Wesley! I felt so bad for him! The end, the whole last ten minutes just blew my mind! It was so intense and shocking, because I really thought he shot his father, but I didn't really believe that they would do that. The Oedipal ambiance was still there though even if it did turn out to be a robot. Angel's and Spike's ideas of comfort with tales of killing their parents cracked me up! Especially Spike's "shagging" his mother! LMAO! Ooo! The next Angel is going to be huge! Angel/Spike! It takes place in their vampy heydays and Dru will be there! (Sue me, I like Drusilla! I also like Wesley/Fred. That is definitely my hetero relationship of choice for Angel. I told you already, sue me!)

Wow! It is way past my bedtime!

Note to self: Call Lois to ask about Sunday to see if she'll even be there!

This is Girl F reporting. *yawns* Sleep now :)

Chloe’s dad invited me over to dinner tonight. She called me this morning to deliver the “happy” news.

I’ve been over to Chloe’s for dinner a few times now, but this is different. Different because her dad will actually eat with us. Most of all, different because he knows about us. This has a distinct feel of “let’s see who my daughter is dating” to it. Awkwardness is guaranteed to ensue. Sure, it’s nice of him, and really, if you think about it, quite cool because it makes Chloe’s and my relationship more official. But still! I am so nervous. Is he going to ask weird questions? Like, “tell me, how did you two meet?” Will he tell embarrassing childhood stories about Chloe? I have no idea what to expect. Of course Chloe was telling me not to worry and that her dad just wanted to make me feel comfortable at their house. I am not sure an official dinner with my girlfriend’s father will do anything to accomplish that goal. Argh! I am about to explode.

Okay, I need to think about something else. The evening with Whitney was nice. We went to the movies and then hung out at the Beanery. It was nice to get my mind off the tension between my neighbor and Chloe. The only low point of the evening were Whitney’s occasional lovelorn glances in my direction, especially when we were talking about the reception on Sunday. It must be really hard on him to have those moments with me when everyone else thinks we are a happy couple, and to know it’s all just a game. I wish he would move on instead of torturing himself like that. But I understand it’s not that easy, and maybe the best I can do is play along, for him, and for me and Chloe.

Now I am depressed and nervous. Sigh. Time to get out of here. Maybe my neighbor is up for going for a ride (as in on horseback) with me.

The Smallville Diaries - Nov 09 - Nov 15, 2003