The Smallville Diaries - Nov 16 - Nov 22, 2003

freak4ever

9:35a

current mood:  relaxed

Early morning wet dream

friends locked post

I got to sleep in this morning. Since my mom, and dad are just hanging out in the kitchen having some mom and dad time. (I can hear my mom laughing, and when I peeked to see what was up they were getting all mushy yuck)

I thought I'd write down some thoughts. Last night I called Lana. We had a long conversation mostly about Lex. She's so easy to talk to, and I can't figure out why. Before I knew it, I was telling her stuff I would never tell my mom. I used to be able to tell my mom everything as Lana pointed out, but I can't tell these things to my mom.

I don't really have a choice now since Lex told me not to say anything to anybody else. I told Lana about that. It got so serious and intense; I had to make a joke. I'm not good at making jokes. I made a crack about how Lex beat me. She really didn't find it funny. I guess it isn't.

Then she asked me if it hurt. She meant having sex with Lex. Hee. How cool is it that my boyfriend's name rhymes with sex? I told her that we haven't had sex yet: Just the kisses, touches, hand jobs and the one blowjob. (getting hard again) I told her I wasn't even sure if I want to have that kind of sex. That's not entirely true.

I had a dream about it last night. I guess because of the conversation. I'll have to thank her the next time I see her. In the dream, Lex was under me begging me to fuck him. It was so hot I woke up in wet PJs.

Even though I told Lana that I wasn't even sure if I want that kind of sex with Lex, (I will never get tired of that one) the truth is I want it. I think about it; especially after seeing Lex with that guy. I want to see what it feels like to be inside him, I also want to see what it feels like to have him inside me. It seems like it would hurt, but then almost nothing hurts me. I have a pretty high pain threshold. I just wonder if it would be more pleasure than pain. I guess I'll find out one day. I can wait. For now, I'll just enjoy what we have.

11:17p

current mood:  grateful

Wash bits of broken glass out of my hair

private post

I will never forget what a bus going 60 miles an hour feels like as it wraps around me.

I just came back from that gala thing in Metropolis, and I had to shower for almost an hour to get all the broken glass out of my hair. On a happy note I saved a dog, and a guy who was asleep on a bench. Plus all the people on the bus. Nothing was hurt except my best jacket.

4:33 pm

My father has just informed me that I will have to be entertaining an old friend this evening, at an event to which I unfortunately invited my angel as well. My father’s definition of entertaining is dubious, and I am concerned as to what will be expected of me. To attempt to negotiate this, with my angel’s jealous gaze on me, and the potential for however he may act out in response…I am not looking forward to this evening at all.

grlf_reporting

06:32 am

Editorial disposition:  excited

Dinner a success, the city beat next for Girl F

Friends-only post

Secondly, the dinner last night with LL went pretty well! If you don't count the repeated humiliation of my father's constant storytelling, that is. For future reference, allowing him and LL to be in the same room for too long a time is not a good idea! He told her so many embarrassing stories and she ate it up with a spoon! He went on and on about my childhood and LL thought it was so cute...

I'll admit that her being so interested in that stuff felt pretty good though, because she genuinely cared. I don't think CK has ever really asked me anything about my childhood or my memories. Nobody really does, so I just don't talk about them. The only person I'd think to tell is my cousin and she was there for all those things, so that's no fun. Pete never asks and CK doesn't, but LL was truly enjoying hearing about it all. That was kind of a nice change.

The stories my Dad told, though! *groans* I used to put post-its all over his desk with notes for reporting assignments I gave him, and every now and then he'd do one just to entertain me, so of course he had to tell her all about that! Then there was the unavoidable lead into how I made him take me on a tour of the Daily Planet almost every weekend for a full year. I still have this old typewriter they gave me because the people there actually got to know us by name. It's practically an antique and we still have it buried in one of the closets. At least, he didn't try to dig it out to show her! He had to take my personal mortification a step further and tell her that I wanted to be an astronaut when I was in Kindergarten, all because he took me to the Kennedy Space Center at Cape Canaveral. I gave him a very stern look, because if he had told her what I think he had wanted to tell her (which was that before then I had wanted to be a singer), I'd have strangled him!

I really tried to turn the tides. I have a few father stories, just like he has daughter stories, so I chimed in with this time I had remembered him driving us to the city shortly after we moved here, and he got us lost trying to take a short-cut or making a wrong turn or something. Turns out that didn't help me save any dignity I had left because he pointed out that I had been the one driving, reminding me that I had just gotten my learner's permit. After that, I shut my mouth for the rest of the evening, or at least until after dessert when I begged him to stop, and he finally left us alone. I grabbed LL and we retreated into my room. She was a little resistant to the sudden intimacy, but like the dinner, she seemed to really relax after a little bit. I made sure she was comfortable and that my thorough humiliation was worth it, then I initiated a little physical contact. :)

It was a great night, and now I'm up ridiculously early this morning, waiting for time to leave for the city with LL! I should probably start getting ready now, in fact. I'm so excited for today! I get to be out in every meaning of the word with my girlfriend in the city! I'd better motor if I want to get going anytime soon!

This is Girl F reporting.

anotherlife

12:59 am

state of mind: enthralled

A Window Into Your Soul

friends locked post

Wow. I just had one of the most intense phone conversations of my entire life.

My neighbor called me under the pretense of wanting to know how I am. Obviously that wasn’t the real reason for calling me after 11pm (as my aunt dutifully pointed out, it was “rather late” for him to call), especially after he had just talked to me this afternoon.

He had a talk with the millionaire about all the things that worry him, like his mom and Chloe possibly suspecting etc. Basically, what I had been talking about with him. He also told the millionaire that I know about them, and the reaction was not pretty. My neighbor even made a very bad joke about being beaten, which scared the hell out of me. But after some talking to, the millionaire understood that it’s good that my neighbor has at least one person to talk to, but he made him swear that he won’t ever tell anyone else, including his mom.

I don’t think the millionaire has any idea how much he is asking of my neighbor with that since he doesn't know the family at all. Not only does my neighbor’s mom probably already suspect something big is going on, but they have always been very close, and it must cause both of them a lot of stress not to talk about this. And all my neighbor can say about this is that he’s gonna deal, and that he’ll be fine, when he is anything but.

But there was more. A lot more.

I asked my neighbor why he’s with the millionaire, to make sure all this anxiety is really worth it. So he told me a few things. Like that his chest hurts every time he hears the millionaire’s name, and that his heart almost explodes when he’s with him. That the millionaire is a part of his soul. He is so in love. I didn’t realize the depth of his feelings before. It’s completely amazing. The most wonderful thing is that the millionaire seems to return my neighbor’s feelings with equal force. I don’t know if what Chloe and I feel for each other is as intense. I know it could be, with time. We certainly have the passion for it. I wonder if she loves me.

In case you wondered, yes, we did talk about sex again. I couldn’t resist asking him about my curiosity from the other day. I really wish I hadn’t because it got all kinds of embarrassing. See, we had a little misunderstanding. Apparently, when my neighbor said “fucking” he meant getting a blowjob, whereas I, well, talked about fucking. I don’t want to relive the moments when we tried to figure out what the other was talking about. In short, they haven’t fucked yet so he couldn’t answer my question. To my big surprise, he said he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to have that kind of sex with the millionaire. Thank god my neighbor didn’t ask about what Chloe and I have been up to. He certainly had every right to, after all that I asked him.

The more we talk, the more I enjoy our conversations. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so close to my neighbor before this week, and I cherish what we have. At the same time, I wish that Chloe could have the same relationship with him because she so deserves it.

01:24 am

state of mind: happy

Dinner with Dad

I survived the dinner! Actually, it wasn’t bad at all. I had a wonderful time. The first fifteen minutes were a little awkward, and I’m sure it was mostly my fault but I couldn’t shake off my nervousness.

(side note: I had really hoped that going out riding would dispel my anxiety but my neighbor didn’t have time as he was helping with the harvest; when I came to see him he was all grimy and sweaty, making his shirt cling to his body. I have to admit that it was a rather appealing sight!)

Chloe’s dad tried very hard to make me feel comfortable, so he told me all these cute stories about when Chloe was little. Of course she didn’t think they were cute at all. She protested, but when her dad realized how much I enjoyed the stories, he just kept talking. For example, I learned that Chloe used to give her dad reporting assignments on post-it notes. Or that she made him take her on tours of The Daily Planet every weekend for like a year so that the people there got to know Chloe and finally gave her an old type-writer as a present. It’s amazing how determined Chloe was even as a child. It seems like she always knew who she’d wanna be. Of course, Chloe couldn’t let her dad get away with all these stories, so she struck back by telling one about how he got them lost when trying to take a short-cut to Metropolis and ending up in Missouri instead. I am so grateful for all the stories I heard tonight because they made me like Chloe even more than before. I am so lucky to be with her.

After dinner, Chloe and I hung out in her room for a while, talking about dinner and tomorrow. Of course Chloe seduced me into some making out as well :). All in all, it was a great evening and I am so glad now that her dad knows about us. It makes everything so much easier and less worrisome.

I can’t wait for me and Chloe in Metropolis tomorrow! And the reception, too, of course. What an amazing day.

Mon 17

freak4ever

12:20a

current mood:  infuriated

What the ...

friends locked post

I just finished getting ready for bed. This thing Lex invited me to totally blew. It was really not my style at all. Then he pulls this stupid stuff with Lana. I knew Lana was going to be there, but I had no idea Lex was the one who invited her. I wanted to yell at him right there for pulling that. He really made me mad.

He made these stupid cracks about how I'd never get her if I kept running away. I don't even want her, and he knows it. He's just getting back at me for what I said the other day about still liking her. I hate that. I hate that he would just do that and then act like it's okay.

Some lady, Victoria, showed up just as he was trying to explain to me about how I should treat Whitney (Lana's fake boyfriend like an enemy). He said I should keep him close. It was so stupid. I have to wonder now if he said it so Victoria could overhear.

I just made a crack about how close he would keep her, and as I walked away I made sure to rub my arm up against Lex.

I went for some air, and when I got back Lex was still with her. She was giving Lex these looks like he was her dinner. I felt awkward so I left.

I can't believe this. I just can't believe I have to go through this every time 'an old friend' from Lex's past shows up on his doorstep. I hate the way she looked at him. I hate the way he just dismissed me as if I was just nobody.

He better not let her touch him.

tabloidboy

10:22 am

I don’t want to write this here. If I put it in words then it’s real, unavoidable. Until then, I have the option to pretend it didn’t happen, to convince myself I didn’t let her put her lips on me.

I could not write it in here, not tell my angel, let it all be buried.

Except that she is still here and won’t be disappearing any time soon. And she still expects certain things from me, even moreso now after last night...

The way her scent clung to me in the limo, I was fucked up and dizzy and I knew what I was supposed to do, what she wanted from me, what my father would expect, and I...

just didn’t stop her. The limo ride went on so fucking long and it was dark and I just felt like I was trapped in thick heavy webs, slowing my thoughts and my movements…I don’t know how to explain it better, but I felt outside myself, and unable to stop it. Unable to stop her. And of course I was hard, because my body always betrays me .

And that was all the encouragement she needed. To take what she thought was her right, along with this fucking business deal. And she doesn’t even know she’s getting fucked over by my dad.

And now, it’s the morning. With the fucking sun shining. I’m almost surprised that I remember what I’ve done…If I didn’t remember, I could just forget…

But I do remember. And I don't know what my next move should be, except that I have to tell my angel. Because I’m not going to lie to him, Not again. But I doubt his forgiveness will be so forthcoming this time. More likely he’ll realize that I’m not worth it.

Read Comments (I highly recommend these comments.)

grlf_reporting

11:26 am

Editorial disposition:  flirty  

Hot time in the cool town

Friends-only post

I'm on my lunch break, and before I prepare to flitter away time I should spend eating to do some work here in the office, I just had to post about yesterday in the city with LL!

We had the best time! I've never felt so free and so happy all at once! It was amazing to just be able to walk around the streets holding hands with my girlfriend! I have never strut around a public place so proud in my life! I showed her off in front of guys I caught oggling her, because damn, she looked so sexy! I kept pulling her closer to me, nuzzling up to her, and staring at her with these pathetic love struck eyes.

She did the most surprising thing and she kissed me when we were waiting for a traffic light at an intersection! I was so caught off guard that I nearly lost my balance! I immediately started kissing her back though. I couldn't help but get a little overzealous, because we were kissing in a public place!

I showed her some of my favourite haunts, mainly places I had told her about that I had visited with Lois, including a couple restaurants we frequented like that Moroccan one, and I pointed out the tattoo parlour where my cousin got her latest one.

I was hoping they could meet. Just before LL had to split for the reception, we went to Lois' apartment building, because she was supposed to meet us in the lobby. LL had to motor before Lois got there though. My cousin was late as usual, but she and I had a pretty good time hanging out and talking about her latest adventures in journalism. (PlayBoy only came up once, thankfully.) I still haven't told her about LL and me. I want to... I just never felt like it was the right time.

I better get my ass in gear, because I'm running behind due to excessive boasting!

This is Girl F reporting as always!

anotherlife

10:06 am

state of mind: bouncy

Out

am sneaking a few minutes away from biology to write about my day in the city with Chloe. Because if I don’t, I’m gonna burst!

We had an amazing time. It was so wonderful to walk through the streets with her and hold her hand. Chloe was right, no one even looked at us. At one point, we were waiting for the lights to change at an intersection, and she looked so beautiful with the sunlight dancing in her hair that I leaned in and kissed her. I just meant for it to be a quick kiss but the way she responded it ended up a full-blown kiss-- tongue, desperation, clinging to the other, the works. So good, so very, very good.

Chloe took me around to some of her favorite spots in the city, like this small Moroccan restaurant that she had been telling me about, some stores, and of course, the Daily Planet. We went on the official tour, which Chloe amended at every point with a ton of extra information :). She was so excited and bubbling with energy and completely swept me off my feet.

We were supposed to stop by her cousin’s apartment but we ran out of time, and I had to go to my grandparents’ house to meet up with my aunt and Whitney. Too bad, because I really wanted to meet “the most amazing cousin of all time and future star reporter” (Chloe’s words).

The reception was very nice as well, a perfect ending to a perfect day. Whitney and my neighbor felt totally out of place, which is too bad. It makes me glad and somewhat grateful that my aunt has been dragging me to these kinds of formal events all my life so I’m used to them, and can actually enjoy them. Although my social skills are by no means as polished as the millionaire’s. I was watching him on and off during the evening, and I have to say, he is really good at making everyone feel important. Including that rather attractive woman who clung to him the entire time, much to the despair of my neighbor, who made an early exit. Even though the millionaire and my neighbor obviously can’t show their affection for one another in public, I would have hoped that the millionaire would be a little more sensitive to his boyfriend’s feelings. Maybe I can catch my neighbor at lunch to see how he feels today.

But now, back to class. Sigh.

11:26 pm

state of mind: crushed

Injustice

friends-locked post

Chloe was fired from her job at the Torch this afternoon. Or, as the principal put it, “relieved of her duties.” And why? Simply because Chloe published something that actually has relevance, and isn’t a rehashing of the latest school gossip. Apparently, some parents called in and complained.

The principal has no idea how much damage he’s done. That paper is Chloe’s life. He might as well have told her stop breathing. Can’t he see how much effort she puts into this paper? How much better it has gotten since she is in charge?? It is unfair! Why does one person have the power to just destroy someone like that? Chloe was so befuddled by what happened that it didn’t even register with her. I think she might have been in shock. When it sunk in, she had a near-breakdown.

I offered to talk to the principal. It’s the least I can do for her. I can’t just stand by and let this happen to her. There has to be a way to get her reinstated because the only thing worse than firing her is putting someone else in charge. Usually I don’t like when people see me as the nice girl but I’m gonna play that with the principal for all it’s worth tomorrow.

My poor sweetie is at home now, all alone, trying to be brave. She said she needed some time to work through it. I let her be, even though I could see cracks all over her facade. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but she was very insistent. This must be one of the worst days of her life, and I really wish she would have let me help her. But I can understand it, too, the need to be by herself. Some pain is so consuming that it cannot be shared, that can only be endured alone. Maybe it will be better tomorrow, and she can let me in.

Read Comments

redhotmama

03:14 pm

Current Mood:  pleased
Current Music: Tryin' to keep the customer satisfied -- Simon & Garfunkel

I don’t know what’s come over me lately. Ordinarily I’m the woman of steel – I set the Mom Rules, I do the Wifely Wrangling, I Know What’s Going On. Lately I’ve turned to mush.

I let the boy stay home from school on Friday. He wasn’t sick – he’s never sick. I don’t know why I let him. Maybe I’m slipping. I was totally crazed with orders. Of course, since he was available, I put him to work but quick. I haven’t lost it completely you know.

Just to throw me off further, Jon’s been testing my endurance (in a good way) all weekend. Not that I mind ;) it’s just that he’s been so busy working on me that I haven’t had time to start working on him about our prospective dinner guest.

Speaking of whom, the boy went to the city last night with Lex and a bunch of friends, and, from what he told me this morning, has been playing hero again. Saved an old man from a bus. Boy ended up better off than the bus. Is sure nobody saw him. Of course we’re proud of him (though Jon sometimes has trouble showing it), we just aren’t sure this hero act will play in the city. People there ask a lot of questions.

lions_den

05:12 am

Listening to: Stabbing Westward

I had a dream...

-=-=-

Dark forest. The sun is shining, it's the middle of the day, but nothing penetrates the ceiling of the trees, and everything in here is dark green, and gray, and black.

There is the one path, almost invisible, buried under weeds and rubble. I can't tell if it's the way out or further in, but it's the only way anyway, and where else would I go? Among the trees lurks death.

Eerily quiet, the only voices are far away, between the trees. Not close enough to my path to be worried about. Not close enough to be considered a part of my world.

Sometimes I think I see a light around the bend. I don't run towards it, just keep walking. When I get there, it's dark and it's all the same. I keep on walking.

I know, logically, that there is a world outside the realm of this forest. There are other people, there is light and blue sky and bright, shiny colors. I know this because if it wasn't true, then what was the universe? I know, because I have to.

-=-=-

Walls of white and blue like ice. Glassy and smoky, tastes like air and snow. Bubbles trapped inside the glass, the ice, little souvenirs of life forever on hold in the frost.

I don't walk in the ice, I float above it, between the twisting, turning hallways and walls. But I can feel the cool air, I know that if my feet touch the ground I'll stick to it, freeze, go numb and never float again. Hurt and frozen flesh tearing and then I'll become a glassy ice wall.

I try to fly higher but the air there is even colder than down here. Too cold to breathe in, it'll freeze my lungs and crystallize the blood in them, so I float back down, closer to the ground, but never touching it, and never resting.

My lips turn white with the cold. Then the rest of me. My skin. My eyes. Icicles hang from my mouth, frost in my hair. I become blue and white and cold like everything else. And I wonder if there are bubbles trapped in me, if they are visible through my glassy skin.

-=-=-

Dark again, and warm. Not warm... oppressive heat and faraway flames. Classic hell, only I feel like I'm in a back hallway of some loud party, rather than at the source of evil. Still feeling lost and aimless, and not as thrilled to go towards the light. Why don't I just stay here where it's warm and cozy. Why don't I just...

That is my baby there. Away from the light, walking deeper in the maze of hallways and away from me. My child, the one person I care about, the one person I need. I shout for him and he hears my voice, looks back for a moment, and then turns from me, disappearing. I run into the darkness to find him. I don't.

I sit with my back to the wall in the darkness and the dim red light is not enough to hide the fact that I am alone.

-=-=-  

Read Comments

Tues 18

freak4ever

12:02a

current mood:  lonely

It's over

friends locked post

He cheated on me. He cheated on me with that lady from the museum. He tried to tell me stuff about what his father expects of him. I couldn't listen and don't you tell me I should have. God, I offered to give him the same thing and he turned me down! and then he goes and lets her do it.

It's been such a shit day and then this to top it off. God I wish I could just hide somewhere. I'm scared and then this happens.

That dirty cop who Lex says is very dangerous. He threatened me just a few hours ago. I told my mom and dad and they said they'd take care of it.

Let me count the crappiness of my day.

1. Chloe is fired from the paper. Really her crap but I was having a great time with her and then this happens. (hey this LJ is all about me)

2. Dirty cop threatens me and man did I want to kick his ass to the next county.

3. I had to tell my parents I screwed up. Luckily they weren't upset at me.

4. Lex cheats on me.

Wow, oh yeah, that is a day I should do over.

Trying to deal here.

I broke so much stuff, when mom sees it, she'll freak. I don't really care right now. I'm just lying here in the dark not caring about anything at all. AT ALL.

Tomorrow I will pretend to care.

She's at the house right now with Lex, who by the way told me he loved me right after he told me he cheated on me.

I'm tired. I want to be somebody else. I want somebody to hold me. I want to cry.  

Read Comments

10:38p

current mood:  exhausted

Life just gets worse and worse.

CS and LL are at odds because the principal gave her job to LL. I got caught in the middle of it. I tired to make CS see the good side of what happened, but she just thought I was taking LL's side. Which I wasn't doing. I was just trying to help.

On top of that, I just came back from the city. That crooked cop tried to get me to do something illegal, but I showed him. I wasn't in the mood for his shit.

I am so angry right now. I almost called AJL without even thinking. I was that upset. Then I remembered. So stupid that I would forget that.

I feel lost and completely alone right now. My life FUCKING SUCKS!!!!

There, I said it. Now I'm going to smash a huge amount of things.

tabloidboy

11:26 am

friends locked post

I never pretended to be anything else to you all. I don’t know why you are all so surprised. Why do you need to blame my father for this? Come up with elaborate explanations of abuse and malicious drugging? I did it. I fucked up. My angel has every right not to forgive me. Or worse. As many of you have said.

I told my angel I have a role to play.
I also told him I still believe we have a destiny.

But it seems those two paths conflict. I think I was kidding myself that he understood me. How could he?

B said that I push people away. And that I don’t trust myself, and so others don’t trust me.

Maybe it’s true.

B says he trusts me anyway, even though I never gave him reason. But I know there are things he keeps secret from me.

And my angel, my oh so innocent angel who I’ve hurt so badly? He keeps secrets from me too, as I’ve pointed out many times. There is a cop in town who is after my angel. Someone from my past. At first I thought he was just going to blackmail me about my angel, but no, it seems he is interested in my angel for his own sake. Something about the gala. I tried to warn my angel. But he didn’t listen, and that was before I told him about my infidelity. Before he threw me out. Now there is no way he will listen to me. How can I protect him if he doesn’t trust me?

God I felt so alone last night. Like I was the only person on earth. Surrounded by the gaping darkness of my office. From the floor, it looks very…endless, cold. Inescapable.

V was in my bed, and I couldn’t go to her. Even if it jeopardizes the fucking business deal.

Half way through the bottle, I called B. I needed…someone who knew me.

He’s here now. I should be able to deal with this on my own, but on the other hand, look at what a fucking mess I’ve made of it already.

Read Comments (I highly recommend these comments.)

11:14 pm

I know that many of you are very angry with me. Perhaps you will stop reading my journal. B says I push people away, and I’ve succeeded in pushing you too.

Truth be told I didn’t put that much thought into what I was writing—there was too much going on, and in this space I often just write without thinking too closely about it. It’s one of the few spaces in my life where I can do so. I had just wanted to clarify, for the record, that I hadn’t been drugged against my will, and that I am not a victim of sexual abuse. As for emotional abuse – well my dad is a bastard, you can term it what you want. But I’m no angel either. I’ve said this before but now you see the evidence. And I am going through with this business deal. I haven’t fucked her yet but I will. She’s very persistent. If I am to play this game, I have to do so fully.

While we are stating things, for the record, let me also clarify that I did not abandon my angel at the gala. We had not come together, but at any rate he disappeared early in the evening after making a biting comment about what he expected my behavior to be with V. Something sweet and thoughtful, along the lines of, if I recall, “how close are you going to keep her?”; then he groped me like a possession and walked away. After that he was nowhere to be found.

Read Comments (I highly recommend these comments.)

grlf_reporting

03:54 pm

Editorial disposition:  crushed

Life is a bitch and then you die

Friends-only post

You may be wondering why I'm home so early today... then again, you might not...

It doesn't matter. Anything that's ever mattered is gone! I've been robbed of everything that makes me me! Not to mention my so-called "friends"!

Yesterday I was "relieved from my duties" at the paper! Which is just a fucking euphemism for I was fired! Then, today, after keeping my hopes up all through yesterday, hoping this would blow over and trying to keep some sort of optimistic perspective, LL comes in with news. She said she was going to talk to the Principal on my behalf, but when she came from her little negotiations with him, she told me that he made her the new Editor-in-Chief, because she seemed to have such passion for the job!

I got majorly screwed!

I haven't stopped crying since I left her and CK standing in my office! They're probably taking over the place right now... together!

Since CK's been working on the paper, it's the only quality time I get to spend with him, and it's the only time I get to see him. As soon as she walks in, a hush falls over the room, and it's obvious there's this tension between them. Which is probably because of me and this stupid bond they share that I will never know, and because CK is so fucking obvious about still having feelings for her!

She's my girlfriend! Or at least, she's supposed to be! And he's my friend! Or at least, he used to be!

Every time I get my life balanced, it capsizes again, but this time I'm just sinking because I don't have the strength left to swim after this blow!

Fuck!

I can't take this, God dammit, I just can't take this! My whole life just fell apart in 24 hours!

I haven't seen CK or LL, and I don't want to. I just want to lock myself up in my room and avoid everyone...

This is so fucking typical! I got nailed for filling the school newspaper with the stories of all the weird stuff that goes on in this town, but our Principal doesn't care about investigative reporting. All he wanted to do was censor me, and as a journalist, if there's one thing I know, it's the first amendment!

Freedom of speech! Freedom of press!

Apparently, that's all a crock! Teenagers don't have rights! People don't have dreams, so what the hell does it matter if you take their fucking identity away?! Who needs friends when you have nothing?!

Why isn't there a mood for "devastated"?!

I guess it was just my time to get dumped on! I was in the path of the tornado! And fuck if it didn't leave me shit to stand on!

I'm sorry... I just... I don't know what to do... or where to turn... except here.

This is Girl F... (reporting).

anotherlife

11:14 pm

state of mind: depressed

The Widening Gyre

friends-locked entry)

Hoping and hoping
As if by my weak faith
The spirit of this world
Would heal and rise
Vast are the shadows
That straddle and strafe
And struggle in the darkness
Troubling my eyes

~ from W.B. Yeats," The Second Coming”

I could have never said it as eloquently as Yeats, hence the quote. I am also too tired to somehow put all I feel into words, so, there. It is a very cruel joke that so many bad things can happen in one day. I tried to help the ones I love today, but Chloe thought I betrayed her, and my neighbor thinks he cannot burden me with his pain.

Until this afternoon, I actually believed things were looking up. The talk with the principal went well. While he didn’t reinstate Chloe, he picked me as the new editor, for my "passion" on behalf of the paper. It was on Chloe’s behalf, but whatever, he doesn’t need to know that. I was relieved because I thought this way, Chloe can still write for work on the paper and take over as soon as this resolves itself. I mean, if I am officially the editor, things stay in the family, so-to-speak, and no outsider gets involved.

I went to see Chloe right away, at the Torch office, and my neighbor was there too. She didn’t see things the same way as I at all, however. She got upset, and angry, and accused me of wanting to have the paper for myself, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Nothing I said got through to her, and when my neighbor tried to explain, she got even more upset and snapped at him about hardly being objective when it comes to my case. Then she ran out, crying.

I have no idea how she’s doing now. She won’t answer my calls. I can understand her reactions to a degree–as I said, the paper is her life, and things with my neighbor have been tense. But she should know that I wouldn’t betray her, that I am doing all this for her. It seemed as if I wasn’t important at all, as if the paper was all that mattered.

My neighbor assured me that she just needs some time to calm down, and that she’d come around eventually and realize what I had done for her. I hope he is right. I can’t lose her over this.

As I was talking to my neighbor (I went over to his loft after school because I had to get out of the house), I realized that he wasn’t doing well either. He wouldn’t let on but I was persistent. He finally caved in and told me he had broken up with the millionaire because he had slept with that woman who clung to him at the reception on Sunday. Apparently, she is still at the mansion now. I can’t get my mind around this. I won’t even try.

Anyway, my neighbor was in a bad shape, as you can imagine. We hugged for a while, and there were some tears. But I could tell he was holding things back. He wouldn’t let go, no matter how hard I tried. He reassured me that he would be fine when there was pain written all over his face. If I had been in his place, I would have been hysterical. He was just calm. Eerily calm. When I got home from our talk, I had the breakdown that he should have had.

I am so worried about him. I’m scared that he does something stupid because he isn’t thinking at all, just running from the pain. I told him very insistently that he could always come to me but I am not sure he will.

And Chloe...she also chose to deal with this alone, which leaves me alone as well. We are all so goddamn stupid. Why do people who love one another have the capability to tear into one another as well? It’s not right. It makes no sense at all.

redhotmama

11:54 pm

Current Music: snores from down the hall

I don't know what to do right now.

This man is threatening my son. He was seen the other day. Jon went to deal with him but he doesn't sound like he's going to fold.

Jon's fast asleep. And now? The boy's sneaked out again.

He's been simmering all week. He smashed the door of his room. I surprised him earlier and he spun around and... the look in his eyes. I've never seen him look like that.

Of course I'm upset about the door, and I want him to fix it. But I can't imagine what he's going through right now. I don't know how to talk to him. Sorry you're being blackmailed? Gee that must be really hard, want some pie?

I can't do this.

I just want him to come home.

subdom

12:19am

Current Mood:  nostalgic
Current Music: None

Ladies And Gentlemen, Dominique Dominatrix!

private post.

A private entry, so names can be used here at last, even though I'm the only one who sees them and I know them already. Intimately, even.

Very intimately...

But not always intimately...no.

There was a time when I didn't know my Li intimately. When I couldn't trace the curve of his jaw with my finger, ever so lightly, and know how much it made him shiver.

When I couldn't do all the things he loves me to do with him.

When I didn't even know for sure that I wanted to do those things with him.

It was a very long time ago. Two years, maybe a bit less, after his wife died. I never knew her. I'd seen pictures, a lovely redhead standing next to Li, and I'd never felt the slightest bit of envy - they were so obviously in love.

But then she was gone, and Li was lonely. I was sad for him, but even then I didn't think of him in the way I'd come to think of him later. I just wished I could help him with everything he needed help with. From Lex to just having someone to talk to, and everything in between.

I never dreamed that it would take Dominique to bring him to me...I might have brought her to the office if I'd known!

I've always loved Dominique...she brings out a side of me that very few people suspect exists. I'm sure Li didn't suspect it before he met her.

It's almost the anniversary, too...

I just realized that.

I hope Li has plans. I'm going to leave it up to him to make them...he always does such a wonderful job.

I remember the first time he met Dominique, or Dominique met him...like it was yesterday.

Dominique wasn't as confident on stage as she became later, but she was getting there.

Wearing a long silver gown, long slit almost to the waist, stockings, gorgeous lingerie, high heels, a wig...oh, yes. I didn't look like the buttoned-down Dominic Senatori one bit. I was the sexy, confident, Dominique Dominatrix.

Drag performance is a wonderful life. More people should do it.

So, there I was, on stage, shaking various bits of me, watching the straight boys (and some not-so-straight boys) get very turned on.

And then I saw him, in a private booth. I didn't even realize at first that it was him...his face was turned away, and he was contemplating his drink. But I was drawn to him...enough to walk over to him.

I almost broke character...something I never do. I was about to pull my wig off.

And then I realized...he didn't know it was me. He was looking at Dominique. Not Dom. So I stayed in character.

After the show, I went and talked to him. He still didn't recognize me. But I could tell he was interested.

He talked to me so much, about things I would never have expected him to mention to me. He wasn't open...he still isn't, about many things, but he's better now. He was just...he talked, which was different.

I would have gone anywhere, done anything that first night...but I could tell Li wasn't ready yet.

So I kissed his cheek gently, said goodnight and that I hoped I'd see him again.

His hand slid up my thigh, caressing the stocking revealed by the split and he said I would.

Probably tomorrow in the office.

And I realized he knew.

I didn't answer....just looked at him and waited for his next move.

He said he would like to see Dominique again and I said that could be arranged.

I kissed him lightly, my lips just touching, and I said I had to go. I didn't want to presume anything.

He smiled and let me go.

But that wasn't the last time Li and Dominique met...

Wed 19

freak4ever

1:13p

Have you ever wanted to kill a man?

friends locked post

I did. Today. That cop fixed it so my dad got thrown in jail for murder. He did it because of what I did to him last night. I thought I could handle it myself, but I know now that I can't. I have to tell my dad what I did. He's going to be so disappointed in me.

I've never felt so much rage in my entire life. I really wanted to kill that cop; wipe the smugness off his face. I shake just thinking about it.

Last night LL, and I had a talk. Things are so bad between her and CS, but I have faith that it will work out. I just know CS cares so much for LL. That seems to be enough for them.

For me, nothing ever seems to be enough. I always lose no matter how hard I try.

I just finished talking to LL again. She's so easy to talk to. She seems to understand how I feel. It's nice to have that. We talked about parents. We're both adopted so maybe that's why she understands.

I feel like my mom and dad would be better off without me. For one thing, my dad wouldn't be in jail right now. My mom wouldn't be having to deal with this.

I have to go see my dad in jail, and tell him what happened. I have to tell him this is all my fault. I've been sitting here trying to gather the courage. I thought that if I wrote it here first it might help, but I don't think anything will help. I just have to do this. My actions have consequences, and now I have to deal with them.

I just hope my dad doesn't hate me. I hope he understands that I would do anything to protect them.  

Read Comments

anotherlife

07:10 pm

state of mind: exhausted

Carrying On

I’m a little better today. Not because things around here have improved, but...well, I guess you adapt. If there is one thing this freak town teaches you, it’s how to keep on going in a crisis. So I spent all my free periods and afternoon with the paper because the next issue is supposed to come out tomorrow. I don’t know how Chloe does this all the time–it’s so hard! I screwed up the layout four times, and if my neighbor hadn’t walked in to help me, I probably would still be there, trying to make it work.

In case you’re wondering, he isn’t doing any better either. In fact, he seemed even worse off today than the past two days. His dad has been arrested because they suspect him for murder, which absolutely ridiculous. Well, for some reason, my neighbor was blaming himself for what happened, and he asked me if I ever wondered if my aunt’s life would be easier if she hadn’t adopted me (obviously implying that his parents would be better off without him). I told him a little story about how I tried to run away as a child, and my aunt was so concerned about me when she found me. I didn’t tell me that once the initial shock had worn off, she gave me a stern lecture and grounded me for two weeks. I think I managed to cheer him up a little.

I also went by Chloe’s today, which, in hindsight, probably wasn’t the best idea, but I just had to see her. Judging by the stare she gave me when she opened the door, I was the last person she expected, and she almost slammed the door in my face right away. We talked for a little while, going around in circles. I tried to explain over and over that I was doing all of this just for her, but every time we seemed to be coming close to an understanding, something snapped in her and we were back to square one.

I know that Chloe isn’t in a rational frame of mind right now but I can’t look past the fact that she said some devastating things to me, like that she lost everything she had, meaning The Torch and my neighbor. No word about me. When I asked her if I still mattered, she assured me that of course I did but it felt more like an afterthought. I left soon after that because all we were doing was hurt each other, especially once we started talking about my neighbor, and she was downright condescending, and I got defensive because all I could think about how this is the worst week of this life, and here she was, mocking him.

I’ll just try to read a little now. I want this day, this week to be over. Fast.

07:14 pm

state of mind: anxious

The Future

friends-locked post

There was one more thing that Chloe said to me. I was almost at my car when she called out to me, saying that she had lied about not wanting anything besides a career for her future: she wanted a family, too. It was the last thing she said to me today.

At first I didn’t know what she meant, or why she said it. I was just really surprised because during all those conversations we had about my concerns about the future, she never mentioned she was hoping to have a family one day as well. In fact, she was the one who kept telling me I had to let go of my cookie-cutter dream of the future. And now...does this mean she had the same dream? Of the proverbial husband and two kids? Why did she never say anything about this before?

But then I realized there is more to this. I replayed our conversation in my head, and it clicked when I remembered her definition of “losing everything,” i.e. the paper and my neighbor. To her, it must look like I took both of these things from her, like I took her future. I know she had feelings, or maybe still has feelings, for my neighbor. I didn’t realize he manifested this dream of a family for her. Maybe I’m wrong about this, but for some reason, I believe I am on the right track. It would also explain why she reacted so harshly to me and him getting closer, and him not opening up to her. There’s simply more at stake here than “just” their friendship.

Once things are less crazy, I will ask her about all this. It has so many consequences for our relationship...I can’t believe she didn’t tell me before.

redhotmama

03:53 pm

Current Mood:  pissed off

lions_den

01:48 am

I feel: complex

LJ, as far as I understand, is meant to be a tool on which one vents and shares all the things one would never utter in real life. The anonymity brings freedom, I guess.

Of course, hideous amounts of money also bring freedom, but it's a different kind of freedom.

Emotional freedom. Being able to say what you feel, expressing a weakness without needing to put up a shield. The concept of going to a bar and crying on a stranger's shoulder is just so ridiculously not my style, so I thought I'd give this a chance.

Here we go. Deep breath.

I'm sad.

I'm not happy. About the situation with my son, about the state of the universe. About people being so stupid it's not even the good kind of gullible, but the really, really blind to the way things are kind of idiocy. This might come as a surprise to some, but I'm not happy being hated. Oh, I tolerate it because after all I'll be much more unhappy trying to live up to a code of behavior I disagree with or trying to please the ignorant masses, but still, I'm not happy knowing people rarely see things my way, and almost never care for me.

I'm also angry.

Again at the stupidity and blindness of some people, and perhaps at myself for letting it get to me. I never show them I let it get to me, but here we are, sharing feelings, aren't we.

While we're being open and honest, I must say I'm also horny. It's not much of an emotion, but there you have it.

~Li, wandering off LJ in search of sex.

Read Comments

subdom

11:33pm

Current Mood:  infuriated
Current Music: None - I'm too damn angry to play music

Holding on very tightly to my emotions here

You know, I don't mind that he sleeps with other people. I accepted that a very long time ago.

I do mind that he's stupid enough to trust that woman with anything. He's smarter than that. Or so I thought.

Read Comments

Thurs 20

freak4ever

12:31a

current mood:  frustrated

Dodged that bullet

friends locked post

So the cop took me to the city again. He tried to get me to help him rob this place, but I ran the first chance I got. I left him there to get caught by the police. He's probably in jail as I write this.

It's so freaky, I mean the guy shot at me and everything.

I'm so glad that's over. Now maybe he'll tell the police what he did to my dad, and my dad will be freed. I hope so. It makes me feel so sick inside that somebody like him even exists. I guess it's pretty naive of me to think that he wouldn't exists. I mean people can be evil. That just sounds so wrong.

I ran into Lex today. He offered to help me with my dad. He told me he knew the kinds of things Phelan (that's the cop) could do.

I was so mean to him. Phelan told me that Lex has secrets. I know he has secrets. Lex told me before this cop was the kind of guy who fixed things. I can't help wondering what he fixed for Lex.

I was just so angry at him. I lashed out. I threw it in his face. After I walked away from him, a part of me wanted to go back and accept his offer, but I knew I couldn't.

My dad's still in jail, and now I'm sitting here alone, trying to sort everything out. It's been such a long day. I wish I could go to Lex. I miss him. I want to be with him so badly.

Read Comments

7:59p

current mood:  intimidated

Dad's home . . .

. . . and I think Lex had something to do with it.

That cop is dead. I found out this morning. I can't believe this. I just figured Phelan would give himself up. I never though he would try to shoot his way out of it. I feel weird about it. On the one hand, he made my life hell, but on the other hand, I would never have wished for it to turn out like this.

Things with Lex are still tense. I realized something today; I put him on a pedestal, and when he failed to be this perfect person, I held it against him. I'm so disappointed in myself. I feel like the biggest jerk ever. I have to go talk to him. I can't lose him as a friend. I realize now how naive I was to think I could handle such a serious relationship. I'm going to try to regain something with him; anything, I don't care what. I guess it's possible he could throw me out. If he does, I'll just have to accept it and try to move on.

The thought that he won't forgive me terrifies me.

Read Comments

tabloidboy

12:08 am

Today a dying man cursed me with his last breath.

friends locked post

Now he decides to judge my past. To believe a stranger--a fucking dirty excuse-for-a-cop--about me.

I know my actions were unforgivable. And I understand his anger. But I had hoped that he would understand that I’m still me. But today he looked at me with the eyes of a stranger, and stood there and told me he didn’t want my help because of who I am and who I was.

I didn’t know I could feel worse than I have these last days. But standing there, on the fucking main street of our fucking idyllic little town, while he told me exactly what he thought of me…

It made me want to leave all together. Go back to the city. Get out of here. Forget it all. Leave him to the cop and leave his dad in jail.

But I couldn’t. I can’t. And so instead I followed him, went where I wasn’t wanted. But then, that’s not new for me. And the further I proceed, the more I get the sense that what my angel is hiding isn’t minor, isn't the same type of everyday little secret that anyone might have. These are secrets that others would die for.

I can’t leave him alone and I can’t leave this alone. Though I can’t have him as a lover I still need to know him.

grlf_reporting

11:22 pm

Editorial disposition:  moody

Back where I belong, by Girl F

Friends-only post

I'm back... I've sort of been put in my place. I mean, I knew LL wasn't against me, but it was really hard to accept. It was impossible given the fact that she seemed to be taking my place in every way possible... at the paper... there with Clark... which really is my last refuge of friendship with him because that's the only quality time he and I spend together, and the editorial position just completes me... so I admit to being really blind.

I never claimed to be thinking rationally... but it turned out LL saved me after all. In a really touching way, she sort of saved my life. She saved my future and kept my life warm for me until she could help me get it back... She was actually really clever and cunning about it too. I came to the office at just the right time and she was there with the Principal who reinstated me as Editor-in-Chief, and I promised to be more professional about what I print. Then, I started to rifle through the official disaster area that was my work space, and LL helped, showing me all she did. It was very benign and we glossed over everything...

This feels like the calm after the storm. We didn't talk about what happened... even though we had a pretty nasty confrontation last night over this whole thing.

LL just showed up unexpectedly at my door. She took me completely by surprise and I had no idea what to say or do. My first honest reaction was to slam the door, because I couldn't bear to deal with all that was going on. I especially didn't want to take it out on her. It's so easy to just place blame wherever it happens to want to fall, and I knew it would wind up landing on her... I really didn't want that, but she didn't let me ignore her, and she wanted to tell me that she was doing this all for me. Of course, I wasn't really listening at the time, but I wasn't exactly shutting her out either.

I desperately needed her, needed to just cry to her, but... I couldn't make myself any more vulnerable than I already felt, least of all to her... If I could take her hand in mine and make her understand, I would, but this is so much more complicated than this. It's so much deeper than the paper or Clark... I'd rather she thought that it was just those things than anything behind those irrational fears.

I'm really glad this is over, because I want to see her tomorrow, and I want to just put all of this in the past. I know I can't file it away in a cabinet, but I can wish, can't I? The thing that gets me most is that she stood by me and fought for me even when I had given up on everything, including myself. I'm not sure she realizes, but I never gave up on us even though it probably seemed that way.

That's why I couldn't let her go without saying something to her that just needed to come out, because it had been locked up inside me, and she deserved to hear something real and true after all that I said to her out of spite and self-pity.

I confessed that I lied when I told her I didn't think about much else but my career as far as the future goes, and that I did want a family... Then, I closed the door, because if I had left it open a second longer, I would have broken down in front of her and that was the last thing that would have done either of us any good.

For now, things are returning to normal... or as normal as they can be considering...

This is Girl F reporting once again.

redhotmama

06:41 pm

Current Mood:  indescribable
Current Music: Other people washing the dishes :)

‘Tis the season. After various disappearances, including a faked murder charge against my husband (unbelievable!), my men are both safe, and back with me. I’m brimming with pride for both of them. Jon set a wonderful example by standing up for what’s right in the face of authority, and our boy made us both proud by following it.

I’m still worried about the boy though – I know this took a toll on him that I can’t even fathom. He’s only taken it out on inanimate objects, which is good. Unfortunately our house has been his favourite target. Hence this weekend’s chores will focus on structural repairs to the home, with his dad. He’ll probably be glad; it was either that or working on Thanksgiving decorations and prep with me.

I even feel bad about making him help with the repairs; I wouldn’t at all if it weren’t for the fact that his help means we won’t have to hire a contractor, which financially would not be an option. He’s always so happy to help out with his special strengths. Today he asked us if we thought he should stop. I almost started crying right there, but I held it together, and managed to tell him he should be who he was.

It makes me proud to watch him grow up. And it breaks my heart.

06:48 pm

private post

I am so stupid.

Repeat after me, Martha.

Do not call Lionel. Never call Lionel. He knows you too well.

Stay strong. The family is too important. Best to keep him out of it.

You don’t know if Phelan was still on the payroll. Even if he was, doesn’t mean Lionel knew what Phelan was up to, why he was interested in Clark.

Now his antennae are up.

Oh God if he ever found out.

lions_den

05:32 am

I feel: puzzled

Got the weirdest call from an ex today. I have no idea what she was talking about or what she wanted. The whole thing was surreal, and reminded me a bit of bad action movies. A quick cryptic line, and then she hung up.

Read Comments

Fri 21

freak4ever

11:16p - The hardest thing you'll ever have to do is give up the one you love

friends locked post.

I went to see him. I had to thank him for what he did. How he helped my dad. It hurts too much right now to even write it down. I don't even care about the other thing anymore.

All I care about is the fact that things will never be the same. Is this what growing up is? Is this what love is?

He still wants us to be friends. I think with time it could happen. This is better anyway. It's safer for everybody.

He said that it was a matter of who he is. I understand that. I should know better than anybody.

I feel so numb inside.

Now that I know that I'm breaking to pieces I'll pull out my heart and I'll feed it to anyone
~ the Cure Disintegration

Read Comments

tabloidboy

11:22 am

I fucked her and it felt good. Good to be the one in control – no need to lose myself, and still feel the rush of it. Nothing like with my angel…no dizzying desire, no melting beneath him, no letting him take it all away from me while he lies.

Of course she is lying to me too, but those lies mean nothing, and I lie right back, and its all part of the game. And I feel good. Like I used to. Freer and it doesn’t matter and I can do what I want and still play the game. Because it’s just me I have to take care of.

And B’s presence helps. Because he understands. He knows me, all of me, the dark parts, the wild parts, the angry parts. He knows them, he shares them, he’s seen them nurtured and grown. He doesn’t judge, he just perceives.

I miss my angel, I do. But I realize now that I was in too deep. I’m not meant for that kind of love, it would only end up hurting both of us. I’m sure he’s still supposed to be in my life, I’ll keep him there with every power I have, but not like it was before. We’ll have something else. Something that doesn’t undo me in the same way, and doesn’t hurt him. It’s better this way.

Read Comments

11:51 pm

friends locked post

I know that most of you don’t understand, don’t sympathize, and don’t want to. You see that I hurt my angel, I pushed him away, and you don’t understand why. And all for a woman whom I don’t care about. Or for a business deal

But I don’t think it was about either of those things in the end. Both were just convenient excuses. I was losing myself. Put me with my angel, and I disappear. Everything that is me disappears.

He came by tonight, to thank me about his father, and to apologize. And I felt it begin to happen again. My boundaries start to blur, I see him and I just want and I forget everything about who I am and who he is and how different we are and how complicated it is.

He didn’t really apologize, in the end. I could feel the anger emanating off of him. I could hear it in his voice when he asked about V and see it in his gaze on me. He said he wanted to be my friend. But until he can face that anger, I don’t know how real it can be. And I’m still not sure how real it ever was. Except that I still know we have a destiny – I’m just not sure how I fit into it, I, as me, intact, not obliterated, burned up into nothing by him.

I’m not as coherent as usual, this evening. B has hidden himself away and I’ve had a couple of drinks. I hope I can locate him. I need to talk to someone. I need to have a drink with someone. Drinking alone isn’t healthy.

Read Comments

Sat 22

grlf_reporting

07:38 pm

Editorial disposition:  blank

Friends-only post

LL came over at my request last night. We talked and sat on the swing on my front porch. That part was really cozy. It felt really good to be able to be close to her again, to just sit with her and hold her tight. I desperately needed that. The other part of it before that though was a little less romantic.

We spoke a little about what happened, and I apologized... again! I seem to have to do that a lot with her, and I hate that I can be such a loose canon when the s**t hits the fan, but it's hard not to let myself go off the deep end sometimes. It's pretty funny too, because I throw up my defenses in a pathetic attempt to avoid problems! Confrontation happens because I do that instead of as opposed to me doing it, and where I mean to stop from being hurt, I wind up hurting someone else... It's just not possible that I am even more psychologically screwed up than I thought I was!

She asked me about the whole wanting a family thing... which I saw coming from a million miles away! I just told her the surface half of the truth, and let the deep down stuff stay there. I'm not trying to hide anything from her. I just don't like to feel vulnerable, and I always do when I admit something like that to anyone. My father doesn't even know I want a family! I've always told him what I told her initially, that I try not think that much beyond the here and now about anything except my career. So I'm only plotting my future as far as my ambition takes me, but the truth is that in the grander scheme of things, some sort of family would be nice...

That's not something I usually say out loud so anyone can hear, but I felt like in that moment on Wednesday, she needed to know. It wasn't just so she would know we were more alike than not either or because she deserved to hear the that. It's because I wanted to tell her that even though I acted like I had nothing else to lose, there was plenty more in my life that was at risk... if that makes any sense.

This habit of getting into arguments or having problems every few weeks is getting very frustrating, not to mention exhausting. It's like a vicious spoke in my mentsrual cycle or something! It winds me up and sets me off, and I'm completely tired of it!

I'm putting my foot down! Before we were together, I was able to just talk to LL, and now whenever she offers the chance for me to open up, I shut her out! I'm a walking revolving door! Round and round I go, and why I don't stop, nobody knows! Well, I'm making a promise to myself that I won't do that anymore! The next time she asks me a question, I'm going to answer it!

This is Girl F reporting.

[Edited to express excessive Angel happiness! This week's episode was awesome! I was not in the least disappointed! Angel and Spike are just such a perfect couple, even when they're fighting. They should kiss and make up! LL and I did ;)]

Read Comments

anotherlife

06:15 pm

state of mind: determined

Reconciliation

Things are slowly falling back into their places. Chloe got her position as editor back, and my neighbor's dad was released from jail (all charges have been dropped). I am not sure how my neighbor is doing since I have hardly seen him the past three days. I should call him.

After my confrontation with Chloe on Wednesday, I was desperate to find a way to get Chloe reinstated because this couldn't go on much longer--Chloe was killing herself over the loss, and I realized that our relationship wouldn't endure this strain much longer either. I finally decided to just write an article for the Thursday edition of the Torch about the whole affair; after all, it fit the criteria the principal laid out for the paper since it related to school affairs and was of interest to the student body. The principal couldn't quite argue with that and finally caved in :).

Chloe and I made up very quickly after that but didn't really talk it out until last night. Actually, we didn't. We tried to talk about it, but when we got into what she had said about wanting a family, we started going around in circles again.

Her admission of wanting a family was much harder for her than I thought. She has never told this to anyone before, and the thought of wanting this scares her (she didn't say that outright but I could hear it in her voice). The reason why she told me on Wednesday is that she was scared we were drifting apart, and wanted there to be something that brought us closer again. I do feel closer to her knowing this, but it also makes things between us more complicated. In light of our relationship, she wonders how this dream of a family fits in, which is basically what I have been worrying about (the picket fences issues). Of course I told her that and then....well, as I said, going around in circles ensued. It makes my head hurt just to think about it.

At that point in our conversation I realized that figuring this out at that moment wasn't really important. What mattered was for us to be together, to know that we care for each other, and that we made it through this hellish week. Chloe said something yesterday that is illogical but makes so much sense to me, namely, that if you care deeply for someone, you will struggle, and you will fight. It's just part of loving someone. If you didn't care as much you wouldn't let yourself get so involved. I understand.

Whatever issues we have will be resolved with time. They will not drive us apart.

Read Comments