The Smallville Diaries - Nov 23 - Nov 29, 2003

freak4ever

10:04p

current mood:  apathetic

This is what it means to be me

Stupid day. So boring with nothing but farm work to do. I did it all in the morning. I don't want to call anybody. I don't want to be alone. It's stupid. So I'm here like the big loser that I am, trying to put into words the things I've been feeling over the last few days.

Mom and dad went out last night. Probably to get away from me.

I did things today over and over again. I did them once, and then forgot I did them. I found myself thinking I should call AJL to see if he'd like to play pool or just hang out. I had to remind myself that he isn't a kid like me. He doesn't hang out.

I have to bite my tongue a hundred times today to stop myself from talking about AJL to my mom.

I hate my life. Can you say Loser?

10:07p - Alien freak

private post


Lex thinks it's because of who we are that things can't work between us. He's right. I'm nothing. I'm nobody. I don't even exist as a person. I'm not human. NOT A PERSON! And I never will be.

I'm not a human being. I look in the mirror. I stare at my reflection. I punch the glass and pick up a shard. I put it to my wrist, and slice. NOTHING happens. I do not bleed. I've never skinned my knee. The first time I felt reel pain was the night I was strung up on the cross.

I can't be hurt except by a bunch of rocks I brought with me when I landed in my space ship. Rocks that seem to hurt every one they touch.

When I was growing up, I used to pray that nothing new would happen to me. That the strength was it, and then other things started happening. The speed which is cool but doesn't help with the human. I run so fast I'm nothing but a blur in the landscape. A blur to the rest of the world.

None of these things help me to be human. Or even help me to keep the illusion in my head that I am human.

NOT HUMAN.

~~~

There is more to why Lex and I will never work. I know this. I was a fool to ever get so close to him. The more time passes the more terrified I become of what he would do if he ever found out that I have been lying to him from the moment we met.

At best he'd hate me forever, at worst he'd make my life a living hell.

After all, I'm proof there's life on other worlds.

My parents are the only people who know about me. I've always wondered what it would be like if somebody else knew. I have these fantasies about telling somebody. It used to be Lana, but now it's Lex. Sometimes he tells me it's okay. That he still loves me and that will never change. Other times he calls the government, and has me taken away from my mom and dad.

It' not just about that. I know this. It's about where I am in my life. I'm not ready for any of what Lex has to offer. I have to admit when I look at him I want to own him. I want him to be mine. I haven't ever felt that way about anybody before.

It terrifies me, and thrills me at the same time.

I lay awake at night sometimes, and wonder what's normal for my people.

No matter what, I am not a human male. This is so stupid.

One other person knows that I'm a freak, but I didn't tell him. He saw. I have no idea what he thinks about it. I'm too terrified to ask. It seems like I'm nothing but terrified these days. and it all started with the day my father told me the truth about my heritage. It all started when I met Lex on that bridge.

tabloidboy

3:16 pm

friends locked post

B and I had a talk late Friday night which I am having trouble letting go of. It was what you might call a drunken heart to heart, if such a phrase can be applied to two such as us. He said some things that stung, and others that echoed what you have told me here.

Perhaps the thing that cut the most was that he questioned whether I had even tried to change. And I did, I know I did. I hope that you know I did, from reading my entries here. Yet he sees me simply acting out the same patterns, over and over.

He also accused me of fucking around. And of course I know that you will all agree with him… Yes, with V I fucked up, but before that… My angel was jealous before I gave him any reason to be. I said no to B before, I tried...I tried to change. Saying no to B wasn’t easy, we have a lifetime of patterns to fall back upon. Since we first met in school, there was always a desperation to our relationship… We recognized each other as similar beings, and our fucking was desperate just as our friendship was steady. We said everything with our bodies and little with words, for a long time. We fought over our bodies – too – my body, to be exact, my fidelity—I’m sure you are unsurprised at that piece of history. He wanted me to follow him, when school was over, to take his path. I don’t know if he ever understood why I couldn’t. But though we tried to separate, to go our own ways, until my angel we still allowed our desire to rule our judgment. But I broke that pattern, for my angel. And in the face of a confession from B that I didn’t see coming—when he told me that he felt for me as I felt for my angel. That his feelings held such depth—it was not something I had considered before. But still, for the sake of my angel and change, I said no.

And then, when my angel said those things to me, when he said he wanted nothing to do with me, yes I turned elsewhere, to replace him, to fill the gap. I truly thought that we were over, that he had made his decision…

It was only with V that I truly betrayed my angel. And that was after so many things had passed. I am not defending my behavior, not at all. I’m not even looking for absolution. I am just trying to look inward. I do believe I was, I am, trying to change…changing. I need to be, I have to.

But does love have to be so self-defeating? Can there be a middle ground? Something between the irrational and all-consuming passion I felt/feel for my angel, and the power games with V? B says that middle ground is a pipe dream, that I have made no advances, that I am just the same man (boy) I was... Giving my body away and hiding my soul.

B still wants me. But he judges me too. At least he knows me. But he too wants me to be someone I am not, or at least someone I am not yet. He said as much—it was the only thing he shared in our late night talk, and I couldn’t help but recognize it as a significant revelation. I split myself open to him, told him everything, and in exchange he gave me that – one sentence which told me what he wants, what he needs. But I don’t think I can give him that. I could offer him my body…maybe…but he wants a relationship, a commitment. In some kind of twisted way, if I had been able to be true to my angel, then I would have been the person B wants me to be. But I’m just not.

I wish there were a way to dull this ache without alcohol, without just trying to forget it all. We toasted to oblivion, B and I, but honestly I want to live in the day to day.

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feegan

10:11 am

Current Mood:calm

Eureka!

private post

I must write or lose my momentum. But, I digress...

I have found him. Since no one reads this journal, it's fair to say that it really doesn't matter if I reveal who he is. Sufficed to say, I know.

A couple of years ago, when I was 'much' younger, and far less wise, I crushed on him. Hard.

It took weeks for me to find the courage to speak to him. He had no idea how difficult, what a supreme effort was required on my part.

He was courteous, at best, but he did not rebuff me. I felt encouraged. After a few days, I spoke to him again. He returned my greetings, no more. I was not disheartened. He remembered me and smiled when he spoke.

It went on this way for several days. I was consumed.

Eventually, I expressed interest. I was not so foolish as to do or say anything overt. No, I knew better. Just casually spoke of the attraction in passing.

He offered no comment. I was disappointed but not swayed from my goal.

Leaving the matter to rest only a few days before mentioning it again, this time bolder in my approach. I not only asked his name, but offered him mine, and then invited him to share drinks and dinner.

He turned me down cold; informed me that if I ever spoke to him again, he would have me arrested.

---

But, that was before. We were different people then, at least I was. I've matured considerably since that unfortunate time in my life.


---


My computer skills have earned me quite a reputation in IS circles here in the city. As a result, I recently secured a high security level position with a major corporation.

Now, the explanation for privacy emerges . . .

I hacked the company's mainframe. Rest assured, this was fully approved and work related. I need to know what safety and security measures the current system provides.

What I found was ambrosia to my soul.

Unfortunately, again, I am unable to provide names - - on the outside chance that this journal might ever be discovered.

He owns the company -- it is a subsidiary of his larger corporation.

More importantly, his personal assistant is very fond of the internet and quite free with information. This poor man incorrectly assumes that anonymity can be maintained behind a firewall.

I have much to think about. Plans to be made.

tabloidboy

11: 48 pm

Does change have to mean a revolution? Could change be instead a more subtle reorientation? Is it necessary – or even realistic – for me to strive to reject everything that I was and am?

Sometimes I hate myself, and then it's easy to want to throw everything out, to be someone else entirely, or to be nothing.

But right now, I don't. And that is due in a large part to B. His presence here made me remember who I was and where I came from. Made me remember how in boarding school I used to embrace not giving a fuck, and how that could be empowering. I'm sure you’re all thinking—oh that doesn’t sound good. But I don't mean it that way. Just that who I was is part of who I am, and B is part of that, and he understands.

The more I feel B's presence in my home, the more I start to revel in his familiarity, and to desire something new from it. I feel like he and I could be good for each other.

So when he came to me, yesterday, and apologized for what he said on Friday, I took him at his word. And I saw the honesty in his eyes. He said that he wanted me for me, not to change me, not for some non-existent version of me who could give him everything. Just me, my body, myself, fucked up as I am.

And he wanted me to fuck him. I wanted it too. Not to erase everything that had gone before, but to build something new. Maybe partially to erase V, although she'll be back tomorrow.

Fucking B is an extraordinary experience. He's normally so held together, so self-contained. To see him become vulnerable, the want and need in his eyes, as well as the knowledge and the focus and the years of understanding, of having been there... I could let go and for the first time just feel, without fear of obliteration, and without fear of freezing over.

Still, the moment when I came, inside him, I...it was like everything stopped, and I was so alone. Like I was lost at sea. Like there was nothing, no one, to ground me. But then I opened my eyes and saw B on the cushions of the sofa, as no one would ever get to see him but me, and I felt that horror slip away.

I told him that I felt like I had just come out of a long tunnel. And I do. Everything with my angel has been so all-consuming, it's like I forgot that there was anything else.

My angel came by today and he is still angry with me, still hurt, but I think he's healing. I'm a little worried for him, he seemed upset. I tried to reach out but there was only so much I could say.

I told him that B was staying with me. I had to. As I've said to tradesland I know that my new friendship with my angel must be built on honesty.

But I couldn't tell him that B and I are fucking. Not yet. It just seemed too soon, too cruel. And unproductive. What would it help? A half truth is better than a complete absence of truth, right?

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anotherlife

01:30 am

state of mind: contemplative

For Once, Then, Something

The above is the title and last line of a poem by Robert Frost. I've been re-reading some of his poetry tonight. I like him very much; many of his poems seem simple, but they never are.

There is nothing much to say about the past two days, which is very good. Nothing unusual, just helping my aunt in the store, going to the stables, doing homework. Chloe and I decided to give each other some more time to process the events of the past week, and not to see each other this weekend. But I do hope to see her tomorrow night :).

I tried to call my neighbor a few times but didn't have the chance to speak with him. I hope he is holding up. At one point tonight, as I was reading by the window, I saw the light in the barn come on, so I know he was out there in his loft. He likes to retreat there to think.

My neighbor and Chloe are more alike than they probably know. They think they have to struggle with their problems alone. Maybe because they feel that sharing them would put too much of a burden on others? Or that others won't understand them? I don't know. I guess I can only try to be there for them.

in case you are interested, here is the full text of

Others taught me with having knelt at well-curbs
Always wrong to the light, so never seeing
Deeper down in the well than where the water
Gives me back in a shining surface picture
Me myself in the summer heaven godlike
Looking out of a wreath of fern and cloud puffs.
Once, when trying with chin against a well-curb,
I discerned, as I thought, beyond the picture,
Through the picture, a something white, uncertain,
Something more of the depths--and then I lost it.
Water came to rebuke the too clear water.
One drop fell from a fern, and lo, a ripple
Shook whatever it was lay there at bottom,
Blurred it, blotted it out. What was that whiteness?
Truth? A pebble of quartz? For once, then, something.

07:48 pm

state of mind: tired

He Said, She Said

Or something like it. Whitney called me tonight to tell me that my neighbor had approached him with a rather odd question today in school, namely how he felt about me being with Chloe. I can understand that Whitney was taken aback because first, that is pretty much the most sensitive topic for Whitney these days, and second, that’s a pretty personal question (and as you know, my neighbor and Whitney don’t exactly get along). Understandably, their conversation was awkward, especially when my neighbor asked if Whitney wasn’t bothered by pretending that he and I were a couple.

So, not only was Whitney upset that my neighbor asked him all of this but was surprised that my neighbor even knew about Chloe and me. I didn’t think, and still don’t think, I had to tell Whitney that I told my neighbor but in hindsight it might have been better to do so. Anyway. Since this was all so odd, I called my neighbor to get his side of the story.

That conversation was frustrating and painful for the most part. I don’t want to bother you with the details, but he made me realize that I hadn’t dealt with a lot of issues in regard to Whitney. Like, I have pretty much ignored the fact that officially, Whitney and I are still together and just on a break. But I don’t really see myself with him anymore, and I can’t imagine breaking up with Chloe. My neighbor was very insistent that I don’t lead Whitney on like that, that it wasn’t fair to him. He’s right. It isn’t fair. Or at least, it wouldn’t be if things were so clear-cut.

But Whitney has been distant lately. Oh, and I should say that what set all this off–my neighbor asking Whitney–was he kissing me in the cafeteria. It was nothing, just a peck. I didn’t even think about it. I have no idea why my neighbor made a big deal out of it. Well, Whitney has been reserved and withdrawn. Now that I think about it I have hardly spoken to him recently. Everything had just been so tense with Chloe that I didn’t have energy to think about anyone else, which sounds horrible, I know, but it’s the truth. I will talk to Whitney tomorrow, see what’s going on.

I also asked my neighbor about the situation with the millionaire. At first, he pretended everything was fine. I didn’t let him off the hook so easily, though. It seems that they are both still recovering from what happened and want to try to be friends. I don’t know if that could ever work. At least my neighbor’s feelings were so intense, and still are, even though he tries to hide them, that I am not sure they could ever be “just” friends. My neighbor wouldn’t say anything more than that although there was clearly more going on. That’s ok. Frustrating, but ok.

I’m off to see Chloe. I hope that will be just nice and relaxing. Sigh. Oh, and emrinalexander, I know I haven’t answered your comment yet. It made me think about a lot of things that aren’t easy for me. I promise to reply soon, though, and I’m so sorry about being so slow.

subdom

4:20am

Current Mood:  bitchy
Current Music: Every Day - Buddy Holly

Happy Families? My lingeried ass!

So, the Americans have this...odd holiday called Thanksgiving (and yes, Li, darling, I know what you said about Guy Fawkes' Day, I'm British!) and it's for families to get together.

And of course my Li has invited his son for it this year.

It's next week!

And of course, I'm the one who has to organize the caterers, make sure the traditional turkey dinner is served. To act like a loving partner and, well, er, stepfather.

I suppose we'll have to hear about the son's romantic problems. Seems like he'd be better off as a eunuch. Oops, did I say that out loud?

Well, at least celibate. Sex causes so many problems for the young! They should all be neutered or given saltpeter until they're thirty. Then they'd have the maturity to understand what they're getting into.

Which makes me sound like an old man. But it's true. The best relationship I've had is with my Li, a mature, loving one.

What else would I ever want?

Tue 25

freak4ever

12:10a

current mood:  annoyed

What a horrible day

Well, nothing else could happen to make the day worse. Great morning. Fell down the stairs on the way down to breakfast. Yeah! That pretty much set the mood for the day.

Class sucked.

Home sucked more. While I was doing my deliveries, the truck went into a ditch. I had to push it out. It must have rained last night since the ditch was muddy. I fell flat on my face, and ended up covered in mud. I still had AJL's delivery to do and of course, the first time I see him in a few days I am covered in mud. I had to go in to get the check for the produce. I trailed mud everywhere. I don't think I left a single spot on the carpet from the kitchen door to his office clean.

I wanted to look good. I was hoping he's look at me and want only me. Instead I end up looking like a fucking shit farmer. Then I accidentally flung mud all over his shirt. On top of that, BW is staying with him and I'm pretty sure I saw evidence that they are having sex. Or that AJL and Vic are having sex. Hell, for all I know they're all sleeping with each other!

I hate my life. God, and then when I got back LL calls. She's so clueless. I watched her and her fake boyfriend today at lunch. They were playing their fake game of being boyfriend/girlfriend. The look on his face was not fake. I know that look. He loves her. I tried to tell her, but I don't think she gets it.

At least I got this nice new icon from edgecity.

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redhotmama

09:10 pm

Current Mood:  worried

Family

friends-only post

My son confided in me tonight.

He's gay.

I've suspected it for a while. I love him no matter what, and I told him that.

We haven't told his dad yet. He's not ready (the boy; though come to think of it, his dad isn't quite ready yet either, but he will be).

So I've never done this before. Been a mom to a gay kid. (or rather, I never knew I was doing it.) I'm scared for him. People can be ignorant assholes. People can be violent. He's scared too of course. I wish I could protect him. I have this awful feeling that I can never keep him safe again.

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Wed 26

freak4ever

12:03a

Mom knows

friends only post


As you can tell by the title my mom, and I had a talk. She knows about me liking guys. It wasn't as bad as I thought. She was very understanding. I freaked when she said that I might want to consider telling dad. There is no way I can tell him. Just the thought sends my stomach into convulsions. Not that my dad is homophobic or anything, he just scares me. I mean, doesn't everybody's dad scare them.

When my mom talked to me she told me she wished my boyfriend and I could walk down the street holding hands. I immediately told her I don't have a boyfriend.

I guess I should have told her that technically I still like girls. I didn't really want to get into it right then.

This is so weird. She said she knows I have feelings for someone. I wonder if she thinks it's Lex? She figured out that I like guys. Maybe she knows who. That would suck. I certainly don't want her to go to Lex about this. What if she does?

Now I'm in a panic. Should I tell Lex? I don't know.

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11:42p

current mood:  hungry

All you do is talk talk

friends locked post

I had to do the deliveries today. Which means I had to see Lex. I didn't shy from it, I actually went looking for him. I hoped that we could maybe talk or something. I didn't realize how bitter I felt until we started playing a game of pool. I just blurted out that my mom knows about me. He seemed to take it well. Then I told him I think she suspects I like Lex that way. He seemed to take that well too.

He also seemed happy for me that my mom was so understanding. For some reason I felt so angry, and I lashed out. I joked that I would tell my day over Thanksgiving dinner. That didn't go over well. He actually paled. Which is pretty hard since he's already so pale.

I really needed to get things off my chest.

He actually told me he was hoping I would get in touch with my anger. I almost laughed. If I got anymore in touch with my anger the house would be leveled.

I can't believe how angry I was, but I really didn't want to lie to him. I told him I wished we'd never done anything sexual. I know, it's so stupid of me to say that now. Too little too late, but I can't help how I feel. I want to go back, and have it that I kept how I feel about him to myself. I wish I'd never kissed him that first time. But I did, and I have to deal. I have to live in the now, and realize that it happened.

I think now that I told him how I feel, I can move on, and be friends again.

In other news, Pete will be coming over on Friday to hang and have dinner. We haven't really had a chance to talk lately since I've been so busy. We talked today at lunch, and I invited him. Of course he's very busy on Thanksgiving day since he has a huge family.

It'll be nice to see him again. He's really been keeping to himself since Jody. I hope he's okay.

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tabloidboy

12:37 am

friends locked post

My father has decided that this year we should have a traditional family thanksgiving. An intimate family dinner. Of course he didn’t invite me himself but sent the invitation, or should I say instruction, through his lackey, who fancies himself very important to have such a personal task.

I’d say the idea was amusing if all the humor inherent in it weren’t tainted by memories of non-existent Thanksgiving breaks, spent drunk off my ass with B while the rest of the world stuffed themselves on turkey and football and other quaint traditions that couldn’t be squeezed into my father’s busy schedule. Not that I would have been wanting to watch football and drink beer with my father over Thanksgiving. Now there’s an image that…well actually that I could really do without. No, I suppose in retrospect I am much better off with the recollection of B and I naked under the bleachers out in the deserted football field, safe in the knowledge that no other students would be around to witness our rebellion.

At any rate, why this is the year that my father has decided to initiate a new family tradition, I could only speculate. And my speculations range from the not-quite-benign to the fully manipulative.

I haven’t told him yet, but I don’t intend to go. I briefly thought about bringing B with me…what a lovely family meeting that would be. B and I, my father, and his lackey. A truly touching scenario.

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9:38 pm

So he told his mother that he’s gay. Not bi mind you, gay. I don’t know what girl crush was all about. And he's worried that his mom might suspect something about us. Well, clearly she needs to be kept up to date. Maybe I should tell my angel that I am fucking B and he can pass that information on to his mom so she won’t worry. And his dad too while he's at it. He joked that he would tell his father over thanksgiving dinner. Perhaps its time to pack my bags and leave this hick town.

Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m irrationally angry about this and I know that there is no reason for me to feel this way. When he told me I wasn’t angry, I was just glad that he was telling me. He was pretty harsh about it, and told me he wished we had never done anything sexual. And even though I know he is right, it hurt to hear him say it. I just wish I had never let things get so out of hand. And I also wish I could help him more, but honestly I don’t know how. I was never in his position. I…I had other things on my plate when I began experimenting sexually. And I was away at school. Telling my father was not on my mind. Not that I would have confided in dear old dad were I living at home; somehow that’s just not a conversation I can imagine having in this universe.

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10:59 pm

private post

He joked...he fucking joked...

that over thanksgiving dinner he'd tell his dad

"Dad, I'm gay and I let a Luthor suck me off"

A Luthor.

A fucking Luthor.

I managed to forget those words for a few hours. But then they started echoing in my head. Now it won’t stop.

anotherlife

08:50 pm

state of mind: rushed

Decisions

I am escaping my aunt’s annual pre-Thanksgiving frenzy for a few minutes to fill you in about what’s been happening with me these past few days. Oh, before I forget, I’ll be in Metropolis at my grandparents’ until Saturday, so I doubt I’ll be able to update until I get back. Thanksgiving is always very traditional in my family. I sometimes wonder if someone secretly checks off a list called "Do’s and Don'ts of an All-American Thanksgiving." It’s fun, though, for the most part.

Anyway, my past two days. I saw Chloe on Monday, and we had a wonderful evening together. We sat out on the porch again, under a ton of blankets, all snuggled up. There was kissing :). I’m sure that if we had been in her room, there would have been way more than that but since we were outside, we held off on anything too steamy.

I told her about the whole Whitney/Clark thing (their conversation on Monday, I mean), and as I was talking, Chloe started to look...lost, somehow. She said she had almost forgotten that Whitney and I were still officially together, just as I had. It made her very sad, and in that moment I realized that I need to end things with Whitney. It’s not right anymore. Chloe and I feel right. I almost told her then that I loved her, but I was afraid that it wasn’t the right moment. And in a strange way, I am afraid of telling her in general. Those words have so much weight, and they shouldn’t be said lightly, I think, at least not the first time you tell them to someone. Instead, I told her that I felt our relationship was getting very serious, and how glad I am that I found her. She had tears in her eyes that she was desperately fighting back (Sweetie, don’t you know you can cry in front of me? Especially if they are happy tears). I know she feels the same way about me, and that still takes my breath away.

Determined and very, very nervous, I went over to Whitney’s yesterday. He knew I wanted to talk but not about what specifically. He was restless, which I first chalked up to him not knowing what our conversation would be about. But then I realized there was more to it, especially when I noticed that he blanked out on a lot of what I said to him (I was working my way up slowly towards telling him we couldn’t be together anymore). So I put my concerns aside for a moment and asked him what was going on. He refused to tell me, saying over and over that I couldn’t do anything, that it didn’t have anything to do with me, and that I needn’t worry. Of course I worried even more about him after hearing that. It didn’t matter what I said, he wouldn’t budge. Finally, he asked me to leave, which I did. I couldn’t break up with him in that moment anyway, with him being one step from a nervous breakdown. Chloe doesn’t know about all this yet, and I feel like it can wait until after the holidays. I’m sure she can understand why I didn’t go through with my plan.

I wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you have a wonderful time. Thank you for reading & commenting in my journal. I love being here, writing down my thoughts and talking to you :)

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lions_den

12:35 pm

I feel: contemplative

I know a father
Who had a son
He longed to tell him all the reasons
For the things he'd done
He came a long way
Just to explain
He kissed his boy as he lay sleeping
Then he turned around and headed home again

Slip slidin' away
Slip slidin' away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you're slip slidin' away

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02:44 pm

I haven't had a lot of time to spend with my son during the years, as this entry would imply. I'm trying to rectify the situation by attempting to arrange a family dinner for thanksgiving. Me, my son, my partner and my son's partner - not the kid I've been ranting about for weeks, but another young man. *Pause to cackle with glee*.

I do hope he'll arrive, and not choose this day of all days to demonstrate some post-teenage rebellion or how independent he is. I want this dinner to work.

~Li

Thurs 27

freak4ever

10:55p

current mood:  depressed

bottomless

friends locked post

I am so stuffed. My mom made so much food, I thought I was going to explode. It was just the three of us so I don't even know why she did that.

I spent most of the holiday with mom in the kitchen and then the rest with dad doing chores. It's not like a farm goes on holidays. My dad says that farmers are the only people who never take a holiday. Come to think of it, my dad has never taken one as far as I can remember. We celebrate but we still have to feed the animals and milk the cows. I didn't have the heart to tell him that there are probably other people who are working today.

I didn't talk to Lex at all today. He didn't stop by, not that I thought he would, but I guess I was hoping. I thought about asking mom if I could invite him, but then stupid me remembered he already has house guests.

It's so hard when I'm alone, and I have too much time to think about things. Remember before I said I have a perfect memory; it isn't helping. I keep thinking of the things we did. I want so badly to just forget them. It just hurts too much.

I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

Happy Thanksgiving to everybody.

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tabloidboy

9:39 am

friends locked post

I had a nightmare last night that keeps haunting me though I don't remember any details, only the sensation of falling and I woke up disoriented in my bed alone. It was one of those moments where everything seems skewed, where you know you are facing one way and yet all the shadows suggest you are facing another. When I was a child, I used to imagine there was a figure lurking in the shadows watching me. Now it just feels as if all the furniture takes on a presence of its own, so I feel watched and still fully alone. In boarding school, I used to like to stay in B's room. It was larger than mine was and yet somehow less unnerving at night. We'd fuck ourselves to sleep and there's nothing quite like that fucked out feeling to center you, in your body, the aches of it ground me, and I wouldn't fear the recesses of my mind quite so much.

With B here all these memories keep flooding back, details, body sensations.

Some of it I don't want to remember.

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9:43 am

private post

What I do remember of the dream:

Hanging off the catwalk and Clark's warm strong hand pulling and then I saw that he was hurting, his hand all strange and grey and withered, and so I let go.

And found myself falling into smothering dirt. I was naked and hands were grasping at me. I was hard and I begged whoever it was to fuck me then the ground gave way and I started falling again. I heard a child crying and then silence. I woke up soaking in sweat.

~~

grlf_reporting

01:08 am

Editorial disposition:  restless

Thanksgiving in a nutshell

Friends-only post

I really should be in bed right now, because I have to be up extra early tomorrow morning. My Dad and I are making the traditional trip to the city to stay with my cousin and the rest of my father's relatives.

This is always so crazy. Thanksgiving works my family up into this holiday frenzy that just indulges in every part of corniness associated with this four-day weekend of the year!

We go to the parade they have in the city. We wait at home while dinner cooks and football goes on automatically as the TV is commandeered by my Uncle the General. We eat turkey and cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie at a ridiculously early hour because no one can wait for the gorging to begin. We wrap enough leftovers to feed a small country and they're assigned to relatives who take them home. Then, on Friday, we hit the streets and shop because we're obviously crazy and don't care about being trampled in a store because it's so packed to the brim that you don't even know who you're fighting for that last fruitcake brick. Much more similar madness follows through the weekend.

It just my Dad and Lois' parents really, and the occasional guests or distant relative who shows up unexpectedly or sometimes even uninvited. So it won't really be that bad, but it's just so full of lame seasonal activities. It's like they mass-produced, marketed, packaged and sold a uniform holiday tradition and my family bought the entire instant celebration kit complete with Christmas countdown cheer in a can.

I'm going to really miss LL while I'm gone. This is one weekend I'd really like to have her with me, but I know she is doing something already. We didn't really discuss it, but it's obvious her aunt has plans for them. She and I spent a really nice evening out on my porch swing again on Monday, and it was so much more comfortable in every way possible! I got the idea to sit out there and just enjoy the crisp night air and the stars under a bundle of warm blankets. We started to kiss and make out a little, but she didn't want to get too into anything right outside my house. That was fine because we had a great time!

We talked a little, and she has decided to officially break things off with the QB (since they were technically on hiatus and both of us seemed to have forgotten that), so I'm very relieved at that news. Also, when CK came up (because apparently, he is the one who raised the issue, and in the rudest and weirdest way), I told her that I was sorry for how I reacted about her friendship with him, and that I didn't want to come between them or her and the QB with their friendship. That was a load off my chest.

I'd really better get some sleep. It's going to be a very long weekend!

This is Girl F wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving! :)

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Fri 28

freak4ever

8:23p

current mood:  good

fun day

PR just left. He totally filled up on pie. :)

We hung out in the loft, and talked a bit about dating. He hasn't really done any since Jody. I told him that maybe he should consider trying to get his life back to normal. I hadn't seen him in a while outside of school so I thought it was odd that he wasn't going out on his usual dates with his 'female friends.'

I didn't want to push him, but he said he couldn't stop thinking about her. I understood how he felt. Sometimes it's better to just try to put things back to the way they were or as close to the way they were. I'm not sure if he agreed with me but I think he'll give it a try.

After the heavy talk which really only lasted about ten minutes (we are guys you know) we went out to shoot some hoops. I lost two out of the three games we played, but I had a great time. It was so nice to have him over. He talked a lot about all his relatives which was cool since I have no idea what that is like.

We've promised to hang out together more.

He teased me about LL, which frankly I just let him do since it doesn't hurt him to not know what's really going on. It's not like I feel that way about her so I really didn't feel the need to get into it. Since I have the whole weekend to myself I'm planning on doing some of the heavy work that dad has been getting on me to do. Yeah fence-building. You'd think once you built them that it was over, but no way. They just seem to need repairs every time I turn my back.

My mom and dad want me to stay inside tonight with them. They're acting weird, I have no idea what it's about. Maybe they're just feeling all thankful etc. I don't think my mom told my dad about me. My dad didn't say anything, he just told me how he's happy to have me as a son, and how proud he is of me. I think I should really worry. My dad hardly ever gets mushy.

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tabloidboy

6:50 pm

friends locked post

I've been informed by my father's lackey that my father has gone missing. I find this information rather hard to believe and am inclined to wonder what he is playing at But D - my father's lackey - is at the very least putting on a tremendous performance of that British not-really-restrained/one step away from panicked concern, and so I find that I must deal with the situation. No doubt my father is simply liasoning with some new mistress and hasn't seen fit to tell his lackey. I'm sure he's happily sipping Mai Tai's on some private island in the nude.

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ordinary_guy

11:03 am

Aftermath

Woah talk about long time no posting!!! I knew this was gonna happen, and I really should've made just a short post to let y'all know that planning for Thanksgiving takes nearly a month in my family!!! After everything that happened with Jody, I really threw myself into spending time with them all, feelin' the love, so to speak. Mom, of course, even though she's really busy with her work most of the time (she's a judge at county court) noticed I was looking miserable and sat me down to talk. I told her everything ( well - nearly everything:-) I even cried, and she just held me in her arms, and told me everything would be okay in the end. After that, it was all preparation for T-giving day.

Never ever envy a large family.

After arranging all the travel for relatives from various places around the country, we ended up with all of us (that's seven) granma, granpop, lewis and steven (my cousins) and my aunt Pam and uncle Mike. the turkey was huge, the table was covered in the proper meal food, with various snacks strewn around the house for just pickin' at, and it was just a really great family day.

Why is it that you always end up with leftover turkey, no matter how much everyone eats?

All that was really missing was Clo and CK. I usually see them on TG Day, but I decided not to this year. Sides, Clo is off to Metropolis with her dad to see Lois (her cousin) and I don't know what CK is doing, but I reckon he enjoyed spending some time with his mom and dad. It's tough for them, having to run the farm, all the time. I hope they got a few hours together where they could all just be them. I'm gonna go round to the farm tonight, catch up with CK, perhaps convince his mom to let me have some of that blueberry pie she makes - hell, any pie that woman makes is damn tasty!

I hope my friends are having a good time. I hope they'll forgive me for not being around. I hope that Jody is well, and safe, and I hope that you all had a great Thanksgiving.

Well, Mike's shouting for me to go shoot some hoops with him and Sam - they just can't get over that they can't beat their kid bro unless they team up on me:-)

Later.

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feegan

07:22 am

Current Mood: suspicious

I know I'm paranoid on occasion, but the strangest person has rented the apartment next to mine. He moved in just this past week-end.
Very unnerving individual, I must state again. He comes and goes at odd hours, never speaks, will not make eye contact. He wears dark, non-descript clothing, always with some sort of hat or scarf obscuring his facial features.

Now, to justify my paranoia . . .

I believe this man is holding someone in his apartment, against his/her will. I hear snatches of conversation, yet I never see anyone else entering or leaving. I know it is not the television, because I always hear the same two voices. I presume they are both male, but can't say for certain.

I noticed this unusual phenomena for the first time, Thursday night. I was up later than usual due to the holiday weekend. I have no family and am relatively friendless (no sympathy ploy here, just stating the obvious).

Any way, I plan to spend my long weekend observing and investigating my creepy neighbour's apartment.

Wish me luck.

Sat 29

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