The Smallville Diaries - Oct. 5 - Oct. 11, 2003

Sun 05

freak4ever

10:26p

Current Mood: thoughtful

boring day

I'm finally finished all the chores. You wouldn't believe how much there was to do. My dad took full advantage of the agreement we made. I didn't really care since it's pretty hard for me to get tired.

They're kind of boring so I won't go into detail. I also had to do the laundry since everything I owned was dirty or ripped. When I went over to AJL's the other night I had to dig deep in the back of my closet for old jeans that I'd only worn a few times since I hated how tight they were. Mom bought them for me a year ago, but they were the wrong size. I'm not even going to go into how much laundry there was. It seemed like I was doing loads for hours.

Like the post says; boring day.

I still want to write here at least once a day. It's fun and I really enjoy putting my thoughts down. It's also very interesting seeing what other people think. So far I've gotten some great advice, and some of the comments have really given me a lot to think about. AJL is one of the things I think about almost constantly these days. I can't help it.

I'm beginning to realize that I have to be very aware around AJL. He keeps me on my toes and I love that. I can't ever remember being so stimulated by anybody as much as I am when I'm with him. I love that he makes me think.

Mom and dad are in bed now. We had a little talk. It was kind of strange. Dad seemed nervous and mom did most of the talking. They actually asked me if I've had sex yet. Why would they think that? I don't even have a girlfriend. Mom gave me a pack of Trojan condoms. I really like that my parents feel comfortable about these things, but it was weird taking the pack and promising my mom that I would be careful.

There are other reasons for them to be concerned. I mean I am different. I'm not even sure if I'll ever be able to. I'm glad they're so honest about it. Although they did remind me that I really should wait until I'm 16. (I'm betting they wish it would never happen.)

Too bad, because if I have anything to say about it, the sex is going to happen. One day with somebody I love and who loves me back. I know that might seem naive to some people, but it's just the way I feel. I could never just sleep with somebody.

Guys talk about it in the locker room. I guess LL didn't wait. I know that WF and his friends are all non-virgins. (is that a word?) Anyway, one day I know it'll happen. I can wait. I told mom and dad that was exactly what I would do. When I figure out who the right person is, I'm so there. Maybe I should do some research. It's not like I'm totally clueless about these things. Like I said, I hear stuff.

I'm hungry again, so I'll go eat and then maybe I'll do some research. The Internet is a pretty great place to find out stuff. Mom and dad even told me that if I have any questions I should not hesitate to ask.

I can just see it. 'mom how do I know if AJL wants to do things with me?' Oh yeah, that would go over well.

tabloidboy

11:17a

My last post came from a rather emotional place, and upon further reflection I realize that perhaps I was viewing the situation with my angel as black and white when it is anything but. As I said in a reply to a comment earlier, the truth of the matter is – and I’m sure upon this we can all agree, though I hate to admit the latter part of it – my angel is no doubt confused, and so am I. Yes, yes, I just admitted that I’m not sure what’s going on, that I’m not sure what I’m feeling nor what to do about it. Mark the date down, this is a rare occurrence.

So I realize now that my angel wasn’t playing me, or at least not with the intention to hurt me. Not that he didn’t play some of the same games again when he came over Friday night – he did, saying things that even coming out of those angelic lips couldn’t sound completely innocent – but I know he’s not laughing at me or trying to hurt me and that he’s confused. And yes, I am not going to pretend that he isn’t attracted to me because it’s clear that he is. Admitting that outright to myself does clarify the situation – I’m sure such a revelation about his sexuality would shake him up quite a bit.

Which helps to explain the questions he asked me on Friday. And I’m glad I have an explanation, because otherwise… well even with the understanding that he's confused about his sexuality, I couldn’t help but feel like some sort of perverse show and tell. He started asking about why I don’t have more women around (and yes, this was most likely a clumsy attempt to find out if I preferred men, and I’m sure there are rumors in town about my questionable sexuality, but the implications of the question unnerved me, as if I should have a harem or something). I think he’s been reading about me in the tabloids – and you can of course imagine how that makes me feel. Most of what the tabloids print is untrue, some of it is true, but either way the thought of him reading it and it effecting how he thinks of me – it just makes me angry, makes me sick.

He asked me about the wildest story the tabloids have ever printed about me. That is definitely not the sort of thing I’d want him thinking about me, and when he asked me...I just felt like this was spinning out of my control. Like I was losing something.

Then he asked me about my sexual history – about the first time I had sex. Now, he’s a teenage boy--of course sex is on his mind. I can’t blame him for being curious, for wanting to talk about it. But I couldn't answer him. My youth was so different from his. I felt like a whole other species in that moment.

I didn’t handle the questioning well. I know I made him feel badly for asking. And that’s not what I want at all. I want him to feel comfortable with me, to trust me. I want him to confide in me, but why should I expect that if I won’t confide in him. It’s just that the answer to each question he asked has so much weight to it, so much that he doesn’t know and couldn’t understand and that I don’t want to share.

And did I mention that through all of this he was parading around in slightly tighter jeans than usual that just hugged his legs in all the right ways and a fairly body-fitting red t-shirt that kept riding up whenever he stretched… I would venture to guess that this outfit was chosen specially. Can you see why I feel the way I do?

So it wasn’t the easiest night. Eventually we just stopped trying to talk about anything significant, and watched the Sopranos, which was a welcome distraction, although having his warm body so close, it was hard to concentrate. And then we went to bed –yes, in separate bedrooms. And even though he wasn’t in the room I swear I slept better knowing he was just next door. I don’t like that he has that much of an effect on me.

The morning was better. He woke me up, and came and sat on my bed and we watched TV. And though perhaps there should have been tension there just wasn’t. Somehow with the morning light and him there in his blue and red plaid pyjamas looking just like the farmboy angel that he is, that I want him to be, it all felt safe and right and all the other questions and complications and mysteries didn’t seem to matter. We ate breakfast and just were – and I think it was one of the best moments of my life. Yes, yes, I have a tendency to be dramatic and that sounds like an overstatement, but really I’ve had few moments like that. Sweet and safe and real and not hurtful.

I wish it always felt like that.

That’s enough honesty for me this morning.

grlf_reporting

10:03 am

Current Mood: crazy

Journey into Teen Melodrama, USA

[Friends-only post]

It's been a very long couple of days. Now I'm just running to make up for lost ground with the paper. My goal is to have it put to bed by this afternoon. That means I have to leave very soon for school so I can wrap up the editorial and printing work at my office.

Thursday and Friday were really difficult days for me. The guy who tried to kill me had killed another girl from our high school right before he came to single me out for his next victim. I spent a lot of time just staring at her memorial in the hallway, thinking that it could have been me. I went to the memorial services on Friday, and that just amplified what I had felt Thursday.

By Friday evening, I was a total mess. I became determined to make sure this guy couldn't ever hurt anyone again. I had heard that he was gone, that there was no reason to worry, that he wasn't around to cause anyone else the same harm. I had heard that he met his fatefully ironic end somewhere on the property of our resident Rich Boy (CK's new best friend).

Friday night I followed this heavily impulsive and obsessive urge to know what happened, to see for myself that he really was dead, and find the truth so I could move on and feel safe, not just for myself, but for others like the innocent victim he took Wednesday.

I went to the mansion and kept following the gates around the place to look for any hint of a body or clean-up, but I found nothing. I figured a corpse would have already been removed by then, but there might have been some sort of area quarantined or marked as off-limits that might be visible and prove there had been something there on Wednesday night.

I kept trying to get in the gate to either scope out the property further or talk to anyone who might know something, a servant, a groundskeeper, the Rich Man of the house of himself. Anybody who could give me some sense of peace about this.

While I was skulking around the fence, LL called me on my cell, and before I could really talk to her, I saw something very interesting. CK arrived, and went into the mansion. It was getting late, and I had to wonder what he was doing there (especially after the odd little moment I witnessed when he was parked in the car with his rich buddy).

When I saw CK, I was so surprised that I had to tell LL that I needed to call her back. I never did, because I've been really busy ever since, but she left a message for me this morning, and I'm going to return her call right after I wrap the presses on the paper. (She said she would be working at her aunt's shop most of the day anyway, so it wouldn't do any good to call her now.) I'll see her later, because she said she wanted to get together if I wasn't doing anything, and happily, my schedule for this evening is wide open :)

Back to CK and Mr. X! (That's what I'm going to call him from now on, because I really have no idea how to refer to him here. His initials won't do, and I don't want to give away too much about his identity, so Mr. X is it. Before anyone points out how much of a geek I am, yes, I got that from The X-Files!) I stayed around for a long while, hoping to catch CK on his way out. I thought maybe he could talk to X for me and let me get some positive proof and reassurance that this guy really was out of play permanently, so I could rest easy. I thought maybe at the least, I could give CK a ride home. I must have waited at least three hours, and CK never came out. By that hour of the morning, I don't think he was coming out anytime soon either. I was kind of in shock that he was spending the night. I can't remember the last time he slept over Pete's house, and I'm sure Pete would say it's been since before junior high too!

That struck me as awfully suspicious. Considering that I was beginning to suspect there was something more than friendship between CK and X from their behaviour and body language and the way CK gushes about him like a smitten school girl, this seemed like evidence to make that case.

Eventually, I left and went home. I was exhausted by time I did, but somehow it came down to feeling satisfied without having seen or heard anything. I realized I was reacting very strongly, and that this guy was most likely dead or he would have surfaced to strike again by now. I just had to put my fears away, and let the whole thing be. For once, I just had to let something go, and I was relieved when I did.

The next day though (yesterday), on my way to my school office, I stopped in at CK's to ask him about his elongated stay at Mr. X's place. He didn't understand why I was so curious and he got very defensive. He locked up and shut me out, and I wound up leaving with both of us pretty upset.

CK is probably still mad at me for confronting him about it, but... I need to know if there is something between he and X. If there is, then these feelings that have cropped up the last week for LL (his school-long crush) would not seem like such a betrayal of my friendship with him. I can't help the way I feel! I am completely conflicted over this.

This isn't just some selfless thing either though. I do still have feelings for CK, because I have since I moved here! If CK is interested in X... that way, then that means I'd be free to explore my interest in LL for another reason too. It means any chance I'd have of being with him would be out of the question, and it would remove all doubt as to what is not within my reach and what is.

That's really all I can say right now. Everything is kind of up in the air. I have to run now too, because I need to get to work so I can make up for my negligence with the paper on Thursday and Friday. I'll probably be hanging out here at home with LL later, so at least that's something to look forward to, because even if she is the reason I'm so confused about things lately, she's also the reason I've kept my head on straight through all this. What can I say? She keeps me sane :)

This is Girl F reporting live from Kansas 90210 ;)

anotherlife

12:20 am

Current Mood: crushed

What Could Have Been

It could have been a perfect day.

Maybe I was just hoping for too much. I thought that this day would reaffirm our relationship, would make the tension of the past weeks disappear. But now I feel further away from him than ever. He tried really hard to make this a great day but somehow, things just got off track.

I was looking forward to today--I mean, Metropolis! So much to do and see, plus the exhibition. He picked me up pretty early so we could make the most of the day. The drive was fine, and the traffic was made up for by the new cd he mixed especially for our day in the city. So sweet. We were in a really good mood when we got to the museum.

But then...well, I could tell that he was already bored by the time we got to the wing of the museum where the exhibition was. I tried to not let myself be bothered by it, tried to enjoy the paintings, which were all very intriguing and thought-provoking. He didn't seem to see anything in them, just a bunch of lines and blotches of paint. It's just not his thing, and that's fine, but the fact that he kept staring off into space and just trailed behind me through the entire exhibit made it hard for me to get anything out of the experience. I tried to point out what little I know about modern art but all he said in response was "hmm" and "interesting." I couldn't help but think what it would have been like if Chloe had been there. I'm sure she would have loved to argue about the meaning of every single painting. She probably would have done some research beforehand too. It would have been so different if she had come with me.

As you can imagine, my mood wasn't the best when we left the museum. We went to one of the parks next because I thought he might enjoy that a bit more. It was so nice to walk around there, see all the people who were out with children and dogs or just reading. It seemed as if he had a good time too until he made a quip about how we didn't really need to go to a park in Metropolis to see nature and how there were less people in the woods back home. I know it was just a joke but it came from somewhere, you know?

It was dinner though which was the worst. And it wasn't the food or anything. He took me to TGIF. Of all places!! I mean we could have gone there near our town as well--there is one in a strip mall about ten miles out of town. I really wanted to try one of the little restaurants that Chloe told me about (she visited her cousin in Metropolis recently). But my BF said that if we went to TGIF we at least could be sure that we got our money's worth and that the food would be good. And in some way I can understand his reasoning--it is sensible. On the other hand, why not take a risk? Try something new? Even if it had been horrible I would have liked to try. The worst thing though was that he totally wouldn't have been able to see where I was coming from, so I didn't say anything. I mean, it was very nice of him to take me to dinner, and I didn't want to be ungrateful. I know he could tell I was upset about something. It made dinner really awkward.

Finally, we got lost on the way back and it took us an hour longer to get home. By then I was just exhausted and tense that I just wanted to go home. I know I am unfair to him in some way by making the day sound so bad because he really did try. He put a lot of thought into this. It's just that what he thought I'd enjoy is not what I would have actually enjoyed. It really hit me today that we are very different, and our outlook on life is not exactly compatible.

And as it has been so often in the past few days, my thoughts wandered off to Chloe over and over and over again during the day. What she's doing right now. What it would have been like if she had taken me to Metropolis. I saw her everywhere in the city.

She didn't call last night. I fell asleep next to the phone. And now it's way too late to call her and I so desperately want to talk to her. I'll call her first thing in the morning and I have to see her tomorrow night (I have to help out in my aunt's store during the day--a total revenge for me coming home so late from Chloe's this week, and I'm not even gonna comment on that). Is it ridiculous for me to feel this needy? Even if it is, I can't help it.

Mon 06

freak4ever

9:19p

Current Mood: depressed

tell the future

Today I met a woman who can tell the future.

All she has to do is touch you, and she can see things. She touched me and told me that somebody close to me would die soon. I immediately went home and checked on my parents. They were fine and they didn't believe me when I told them about Cassandra. It's true though. She touched PR and told him he'd be walking home since he locked his keys in his car.

I decided to read to Cassandra for my community service. Every student at the school has to do some each year, and I figured since LL was already there I'd talk PR into doing this so I could see more of LL.

But something really unexpected happened. CS stopped by earlier. She wanted to talk about LL. She told me her and LL are getting closer, and they're interested in pursuing something more. As in like that. I was pretty stunned. I didn't even realize CS liked her or even talked to her. She always making fun of her.

She wanted to know if it was okay since she knew how much I liked LL. What was I supposed to say? 'No you can't, I liked her first.' Besides, she doesn't like me like that. She wants me to get over it.

I know I've been going on and on about AJL but it still really hurts to know that she doesn't feel that way. At least before when I thought I had a chance I could dream, but now CS told me LL just likes me as a friend.

I wish I could go to AJL. I want to run to him every time something happens that I don't want to deal with. That scares me. I saw him today since it was delivery day. He was driving like a maniac. I told him to be more careful, and he just pointed out that I would save him. When I told him about Cassandra he actually agreed with my mom and dad. I believe her. she told my friend he'd walk home and he had to. She was right.

I want to go see her again. I mean I have to anyway, but I want to. She might be able to tell me things about myself. I just feel so confused. I need answers.

One of the residence from the home disappeared. It's really weird. He's this guy who murdered somebody a long time ago. It's kind of creepy. LL is a little freaked over it. I guess she has CS to comfort her. :(

I feel so out of it tonight. I was hoping AJL would be able to do something, but I'm not allowed to go out. Mom asked me to stay in, and I just don't feel right about leaving them alone after what Cassandra said. What if something happens to them?

I think I'll just call him.

11:08p

Current Mood: melancholy

the call

I called him. For some reason it felt weird. He was drinking again. :( I had no idea what to say, I felt like such a goof. At least I made him laugh with my stupid jokes. I also asked him out on a date. Well, sort of. I didn't say 'let's go on a date' I just asked if he'd like to go to a movie some time. So we're going to see one on Sunday. I'll have to remember to check what's playing.

I wanted to ask him about stuff, but wasn't sure how to bring up the subject of sex. I told him about mom and dad giving me condoms. It didn't really have the desired effect. Oh well, maybe I'll try something different next time. He did tell me a little bit more about how he used to use sex, drugs and rock and roll to ward of teenage loneliness and confusion.

David called me a fag again. He's usually easy to ignore but he really went out of his way to bug me today. I told AJL about this. We talked about teasing which wasn't what I was hoping for again, but I had no idea how to ask if he though I was a fag. or maybe get him to tell me if he liked men that way. I wanted to. I mean I want to know a lot of things about what he's thinking. I'm just not good at bring up the topic. He told me he'd been teased too and he also told me how he used to deal with it. I wanted to know everything, but I didn't push.

He seemed kind of melancholy. I want to run to the castle, and hold him. I want to protect him from everybody: his father, my father, the whole world.

I did that search on line last night, and found some decent web sites that talked about first times, and that kind of thing. One of my biggest fears is that I'll hurt the person I'm with. I think I'm going to do more research tonight. For now, I guess it will have to be my right hand. ;)

I have to get to bed now anyway so I can get up early and do some chores dad wants done.

tabloidboy

8:38p

I thought that I could be a different person now that he saved me—now that I was given this second chance at life. But making such resolutions and living them are completely different things. Today my angel pointed out to me that I still drive recklessly. He was worried for my safety. A woman who is rumoured to see the future told him that someone close to him would die. While I’m flattered that he thought of me, it’s also unnerving. I’ve always figured that it was my life to fuck up as I wish. But now that he’s saved it, maybe it’s his.

And as much as I’m grateful to him, I can’t live with that. I mean, I’ve always survived by setting up a clear distinction, a border. I do what I choose (or don’t do what I choose) to get by. My father may pull certain strings and I go along with the game, but in the end it’s my call. It’s got to be.

I can’t give that up to my angel. I’d just disappear.

I wish I understood the ‘why’ more. Why did he save me? Why did he come into my life that day? And why has he pushed himself so far into it?

And there’s the other question I don’t speak of much but can’t let go of. How? How did he save me? How am I still alive?

The how and the why are so intertwined. I can’t help but think that if I knew the how of it I might better understand the why. And I feel like my whole future, my whole existence, is hanging in the balance, somewhere in between the how and the why.

***

I think about touching him, about breaking down that boundary, feeling my skin on his skin, giving him what he seems so clumsily to be asking for. He’d be so warm, and I could just burn up in him, and maybe all of this wouldn’t matter if I were in him…

But I know that it – that I –would be so much more than he could handle and he’d find out that it’s not at all what he wants, that I’m not at all what he thought.

Part of me wants to give myself up to him anyway, surrender myself to his mystery. Maybe if I lost myself in him, let him take me over, I’d find the answer.

Part of me wants to give up these games and just ask.

grlf_reporting

12:43 am

Current Mood: quixotic

Extra! Extra! Girl F falls head over feet!

[Friends-only post]

Tonight was the greatest night of my entire life! I probably shouldn't be this excited because things are very complicated, but... On this romantic whim, following this totally comfortable intimacy that seemed to be leading up to it the whole night, I kissed LL!

We got together this evening after she got through helping her aunt at the shop and I was done assembling this issue of the paper. I picked her up, we got to my house, and we retreated right into my room. We started talking about a whole bunch of things, mainly things that had been on her mind, like her jockstrap boyfriend who pretty much Forrest-Gumped his way through a date-from-hell day-in-the-city, and how she doesn't want to leave him or hurt him, but she talked about feeling it will end eventually...

I tried to tell her that she did not have to stay with him making herself miserable for the sake of his happiness. I thought I was going the responsible route when I pulled out CK's name, and mentioned that there were better people out there who cared about her. She seemed really surprised by me saying this, and I wonder in hindsight if she hadn't thought I would say that I cared about her in that way... Hell, I almost did, but I copped-out behind the obvious shield and attempted to do right somehow in bringing CK and his feelings up. (I wasn't telling her anything she didn't already know by her own admission, but CK would still go ballistic if he knew I had even mentioned anything to her... I felt I was trying to get him in the door and do the selfless thing given the situation though.)

We moved on to lighter topics, because she didn't want to talk anymore about anything that heavy, and I didn't blame her, so I suggested games or something lame like that. She said she knew one. She told me it's this game that apparently the kids around here played as children where someone runs their finger up your arm, and you have to guess (without looking) when they get to the bend of your arm... Okay, if this is what people do for fun around here in childhood, I'm very glad I grew up in the city! I admit I went along with it. I couldn't say no to her... or an idea that encouraged physical contact when I had been feeling her inch towards me half the time! By this point, she was so close, she could have been in my lap! I have to say the proximity, and (my God!) the contact was... a major turn on!

When I got this "game" right with dead-on accuracy, she was impressed, and I told her I was perceptive. At that point, I was feeling awfully bold, obviously, and I was starting to flirt really badly! Before I knew it, I was doing the same thing to her, running my fingers up her arm, then her eyes opened, like she knew I was getting closer, and then... I just... kissed her! When she started to kiss me back, it was like my heart just flooded with the emotion I had been storing up. All the feelings I had been wrestling with came out in that moment... all non-verbal communication. It was great! I'm gushing like... well, a teenage girl who is totally head over heels. That may be truer than I think...

We're certainly in over our heads, I mean. We started talking after the kiss. It wasn't the slightest bit awkward. It was as if it were so natural. The inevitable discussion came next about what we are going to do now, and how this would affect our lives. She has her boyfriend to worry about, and I have CK to take into consideration. (That goes right back to issues I outlined in my previous entry.) I'm going to talk to CK tomorrow. I'll tell him what happened, because I have to know this would be okay with him... I know it's really going to hurt him, but I really think he's got something going on with Mr. X, and if he does and he's happy, then I would like closure so that I could have the same chance at happiness. I don't know. Maybe I'm being really selfish, but I just know I need to talk to CK ASAP.

As for LL and I, we decided to think this over for about a week, and see what we want, where we want to go, and how we'd want to proceed after that... She seems like she really does want to be with me, and she even said things that made me feel like all of this would work out in the end. I was so moved by the things she said and the way she reacted that I actually started to cry because I was so happy, and she just held me for a minute. I was so caught up in the emotion of the night that before I took her home, I kissed her again. I had to make sure that it wasn't some one-time fluke in the cosmic joke that is romance sometimes. It was just as sweet and soft and tender as the first time, and it was not a fluke. The kiss had meaning behind it, and the second kiss was proof that there is something between us.

I know this is probably premature thinking on my part, but I feel like we might actually have started something good here tonight. I'm confident enough in how I feel to be sure I'll feel the same way when all is said and done, but LL needs time, and for her sake and any possible chance we might have at being together, I need to give her all the time she needs to be absolutely certain what she wants.

This is Girl F reporting from a very happy (if insanely weird) place.

anotherlife

01:02 am

Current Mood: loved

Bliss

friends-locked post

I just got back from Chloe’s and tonight certainly didn’t turn out the way I expected. I was excited to see her, but what I found tonight is beyond what I imagined, and yet, strangely, something that I had been looking for–-or at least I can say so in hindsight.

I haven’t talked about this here, mainly because I hadn’t been sure about this myself, but ever since Chloe and I hugged this week, I knew that I wanted something from her. I couldn’t really say what besides that I wanted that closeness back, that feeling I had when I held her.

Tonight brought things into more focus. We were talking, about the past few days, but also about us. About how we were both glad to have met, and to know each other. When we ran out of things to say, I suggested this game I used to play with my girlfriends in elementary school. One person takes another person’s arm and runs their finger up their arm until they think you hit the bend (the other person has their eyes closed). I remembered that it always felt very nice when we played it. I figured it would be a way to share something, to be close. I think Chloe enjoyed it :)

The game changed something...maybe made other things possible. After we each had taken a turn, Chloe leaned in and she kissed me (I know! I totally didn’t expect that either!). I know this is gonna sound crazy but it felt so right. It wasn’t strange at all (I had never kissed a girl before, as you could probably imagine). Something clicked for me then, and I realized that this, kissing her or maybe even finding her in general, is what I’ve been wanting for a while now.

We talked a little about what this could mean, what to do now. My feelings are almost schizophrenic at this point: if I just think about her, and nothing or no one else, I know what I want: I want her so badly. I want to see where this goes and I can’t wait to go down that road. But then, when I look at the world just beyond the two of us, I get so so scared that I just want to run away and hide. There are so many people who would get hurt if we decided to try to be together, and I’m also scared of what people at school would think. Even if we didn’t tell anyone, I know it’s gonna come out sooner or later. A small town doesn’t keep any secrets.

We decided to take a week to think about what we want to do. Right now I’m still too caught up in what happened...I just want to lie down and remember what it was like to kiss her. I’m afraid of tomorrow, though.

The next week is gonna be really hard for me, so if you could help me get through this, I'd really appreciate it.

redhotmama

05:30 pm

Current Mood: cranky

This farm is killing me and the man right now. Debt is evil, I say. Need a job.
The boy is volunteering at the old folk's home. I think that is very nice. Only one thing bothers me. He thinks that she is a psychic. I want to believe him but that sounds really sketchy even in Smallville.

ordinary_guy

10:53 am

Current Mood: contemplative

Weekend Blues

(friends only post)

After this weekend, I so don't want to go to class, so I've cut first period, and decided for once, I'm gonna be honest, and post how I really feel. I went for a real long walk on Saturday, to a place I used to go when I was a kid and CK wasn't allowed out by his mom and dad. Over by the old factory near the woods, there's a little grass clearing, about 20 yards into the trees. There are shards of meteor rocks all over the place, but this one patch of grass in the center is just empty. I sat there, listening to the sounds around me, and just thinking.

About a lot of things.

CK and rich guy are getting along like crazy, and Clo is spending a lot of time with pretty girl L, and I've not really got anyone. But it's my fault. I've been withdrawn and.... arrogant. I've not been the best friend to them that I could be, and accepted that we'll all grow up, and eventually grow apart. CK and Clo are making new friends, and I'm stuck in the past, thinking about what everything was like instead of thinking about what they're gonna be like, and getting on with meeting new people and getting a life of my own.

If I could have everything I wanted, I don't think I'd be happy. Cause there's one thing I want that I know I can't have. And that's her. Not Clo - yeah, I had a crush, she's a cutie after all, and I've known her for ages, and love her to bits - but she's like a sister to me. This is someone else.

There's this girl, in school, lives a couple of blocks away from me.. and she's lovely. Her eyes sparkle in the light, and she's just... *sigh* - she looks great as far as I'm concerned - it's just... everyone else. She has a weight problem. And although it doesn't bother me, the guys on the team, and everyone I hang out with have a problem with her cause of it. And I don't know what to do that'll help. They pick on her, and I stick up for her, but it just doesn't seem enough. I've been watching her for a while now, seen how their comments are hurting her, and I just wanna wrap my arms around her and tell her she's fine, and to ignore it, because I think she's gorgeous. But I don't know how I can do that, when I'm a "jockstrap" (as Clo would say) and the guys that take the piss out of her are "jockstraps" too.

Will she think I'm like them? Or that being nice, and asking her out is all just one big joke on her?

If she does, I'll regret it and won't even be able to have her as a friend, let alone anything else. So I don't know whether to risk it or not. I really don't know what to do.

There's this woman - Cassandra - at the old people's home in town. Me and CK are going there this afternoon. She's supposed to be able to see your future when she touches you - it's freaky - but, should I ask her what to do? What will happen? How things are gonna turn out? Or do I just decide I have the balls to do what I want and risk things with Jody?

If I do talk to Cassandra, will I really wanna know what she does about me? I mean, how much could that effect someone? Knowing their future? It could fuck everything up, or make everything perfect... But is anything ever what it seems to be?

In this place it isn't....

Tue 07

freak4ever

11:27p

Current Mood: confused

I'm alone

I went to see Cassandra tonight. I needed to know. I wanted to know what the future holds for me.

I wish I hadn't.

I'm so tired. Every time I turn around, somebody is hurt by me. Everywhere I look, I see pain and suffering caused by me. She saw a vision of me in a graveyard surrounded by tombstones. The names of all my friends and families were on the stones. My father, my mother, LL, CS, and PR.

I've been sitting here in the dark thinking about this. I was so freaked out at the time, and didn't realize it until a few hours later. The only tombstone that wasn't in the vision was AJL's.

I don't know why that was the case, but it has to mean something. I wish I could call him again. He mocked Cassandra when I told him about her. What would he say if I told him about this? Could this mean that he's the only person in my life now that will still be around in my future? I have even more questions than I had before. I need to know. Maybe I could convince him to go to her. Convince him to let her look into his future. What if I'm there in the vision she sees?

The truth is I want him there. I want him to be a part of my future. He told me that he didn't want anything to stand in the way of our friendship. Does that include death? Was I meant to be on that bridge? Was I meant to save him? If that's true? Why?

I have so many questions to which I may never have answers.

~~

School totally sucked. I spent the whole day avoiding LL and CS. PR even noticed I was acting weirder than usual. I can't tell him about all this. I mean the girl of my dreams likes the other girl in my life. I thought it would be easy, but every time I saw either one of them, I had to duck around the corner. Eventually I ran into CS. I knew I couldn't make it through the day without running into one of them. She'd been talking to LL before she turned around, I nearly slammed right into her. Yuck. Just thinking about our conversation makes my stomach hurt. I don't even want to talk about it here.

This is so confusing. I hate it! I wish I had somebody I could talk to about it. edgecity where are you? I need you.

tabloidboy

11:51a

I think my angel asked me out on a date last night. To the movies, no less. How provincial. How absurd. Of course I agreed to go.

This was in the same conversation, on the phone, in which he told me that his parents had given him The Talk (along with a pack of condoms--apparently his parents are at least somewhat modern-minded). When I asked him what had brought this on, he said that his mother had noticed how he felt about his crush. You know, the dark-haired female one. Wouldn’t want to forget about her, now would we?

I was somewhat drunk at the time, but not drunk enough to start yelling. I wanted to though.

But he has that effect on me. I want to yell, but I want to please him, I want to give him what he wants. I want to reassure him.

But I also want to know things. I want some of my questions answered. He is awfully good at asking me questions, and very good at evading answering any of mine.

I did try to answer his questions a bit. I want him to know me, as much as I’m scared that he’ll run screaming (like he already has) when he discovers who I am. So at the same time that I want to hide from him, I want him to know. I want to answer his questions.

So he gets bits and pieces. And that will have to do.

Though I’m not sure if he even recognizes them when he gets them. Sometimes it feels like we are speaking different languages. And then, it will shift. I will think, for a moment, that he’s heard me, and that he might open up himself. He’ll lull me into a sense of safety like something I never ever feel, something I’ve been trained to never even believe in. But I go there, I think he’s there with me, and I start to share. (The whiskey no doubt helped with this process).

And he shuts off. Disappears. Changes the subject. Hangs up the phone.

Just like when he ran out on me when I kissed back.

I am too much for him too handle. I’m just too much in general.

And he – he is this mystery that I just can’t get out of my head.

grlf_reporting

12:52 am

Current Mood: hopeful

Girl F braces for emotional impact

[Friends-only post]

Had the talk with CK. I was brutally honest, but I felt I had to be, because my entire romantic life was on the line! Him! LL! Him and LL! I needed to get all that sorted out so I could get at least some of my head clear.

I went to CK's late this afternoon and I tried to be as careful broaching the subject as possible. I spoke very delicately, but he wasn't too open to my line of inquisition about him and Mr. X and him and LL. I finally just told him that I was interested in pursuing this... whatever it may be... with LL, and that I needed to know where I stood with him and where he stood X, and where LL factored into all that.

He didn't quite seem to understand what I was getting at, so finally I just blurted out that I had kissed LL. He froze in shock, and I really felt the sting before the chill thawed and he regained control of his wits. I could tell he was trying to make as smooth a recovery as possible, and I felt obligated to explain more.

I know this must have hurt him, but I wanted to be honest with him, and I told him that LL just wanted to be friends with him, which was why I had been hinting that he should get over her and move on... which I feel he will... and if my instincts are correct, he'll find himself moving on to X! I have heavy suspicions based on random observations... but that's besides the current point!

It must have shown how much this meant to me, because he gave me his reassurance that it was okay, like he wanted me to be happy, even if it was at his own expense. God, I love him for that!

He's probably going to be weirded out and a little miserable for a while, because I'm sure he was holding back some underlying sadness, but I think this was for the best. This way we can all just get on with our lives without the BS clouding everything. I really think being honest with him was the first step towards mending our friendship, because it's felt a little broken for some time now, and secrets (like my crush on him and his not-so-secret crush on LL) I'm sure have been a big part of that.

Had a talk with LL tonight too. She seems especially rattled today... but I think that's mostly because she kind of lost a patient at a nursing home today. She's volunteering there now and she's been pretty upset and embarrassed about the whole thing. Though... I'm sure some of it is because she's conflicted still about us and what she is going to do. I understand why she has her reservations. I just hope she will have enough faith in what I think we have to overcome her fears about this.

Obviously, I'm pretty confident, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I could be setting myself up for a major disappointment here, but I wouldn't have bothered to go to the trouble of mentioning it to CK (especially knowing he would be significantly affected by it) if I weren't sure this was something I want. I'm willing to put my heart and myself on the line here, and that's not something I offer to just anyone. I know I wear my heart on my sleeve, but this is the first time I've ever taken it off to offer it to someone else...

I just feel so strongly, and all my instincts are telling me this is different from anything I've ever known before... How could I help but be excited about that?!

This is Girl F reporting with her hopes up :)

05:18 pm

Current Mood: blah

Girl F calls it an early day

I finished my work on the paper early today, so I'm home already.

When I walked in the door, the phone was ringing. It was my cousin Lois!
She's still stalking PlayBoy (the same guy she dragged me all over the city in search of when I stayed with her last month). She is so obsessed with this romantic ideal! She just loves that rich and refined guy who's completely unattainable! She's attracted to it like a moth to a flame! *scoff* I should introduce her to Mr. X! I'm sure she'd be quick to jump on that boat! She's too busy skulking in corners, chasing after PlayBoy to notice anything else right now, though. She says she's "digging for an exclusive", which I imagine could only be something along the lines of "The evening I spent with a boring carbon-copy millionaire playboy who will never call me again." *shakes head* That's my cousin for you.

Today wasn't too bad... at least, not for me. I spoke to LL briefly right after English class let out, and when she left, I bumped into CK the moment I turned around... All of this is too personal to discuss in this post though, so I'm just not going to go into any of it here.

( GIP )

So, Pete! Where are you, man?! Do you want to do something tonight, because I'm pretty free, and I really don't want to just sit around the house alone tonight. I could use a break from my own mind :)

This is Girl F reporting... from home... by herself... thinking too much.

[ETA: In my boredom last night, I picked up the Angel Moodtheme as a neat little novelty for my LJ. Thanks to anniesj for it!]

anotherlife

01:57 am

Current Mood: desperate

Fear

(this is a friends-locked post)

Oh my god.

I just stared at the screen for ten minutes because my hands shook too badly to type. I've been like this most of the day. I woke up half an hour before my alarm because I had a nightmare. I don't remember what it was about but I was panicking when I woke up. I had trouble breathing. And then all these questions started appearing in my mind, like some kind of unstoppable tidal wave. It was worst in school. I tried to do everything like I normally would but for some reason I couldn't tell what was normal anymore. It seemed like someone was squeezing my throat, or was trying to pull me down into a deep dark lake. I couldn't focus at all. All I could think about was "What will happen now?" and "Can people tell?".

I talked to Chloe before my English class, like we've been doing for the past weeks. My heart beating was so loud I could hardly hear what she was saying. She smiled at me during class too. It was nice but I couldn't help wonder if people could tell there was something between us.

After lunch I couldn't hold it together anymore. I had a total breakdown in the bathroom. For a while I wasn't sure if I could ever move again...all I wanted to do was curl up into myself and lock out the entire world. It got a little better after that. I skipped my last class to have some time before going over to the retirement home. I thought about last night again--how safe I felt with Chloe, how loved. The way her lips feel against mine...

Volunteering actually helped too. It was good to be doing something, especially something that cheered other people up. I ran into my neighbor and his best friend (they also started volunteering there today). I pretty much had myself under control again by then although I still felt a bit weird talking to my neighbor. But the really strange thing happened later, when I took Harry (the man I've been reading to) out to the pond and he simply disappeared. I had gone back to get him a scarf and when I got back there was no sign of him. I feel terrible, and I hope nothing happened to him. The whole thing became freaky, however, when Chloe, my neighbor and I went to the Beanery later and this guy our age was there who we had never seen before. If I didn't know better, I would have sworn it was some younger version of Harry. The resemblance was almost creepy.

When I was trying to do homework tonight, all the questions came back. The one that drowned out all others was, "What is going to happen to my BF?". I know I should tell him about kissing Chloe but right now I just can't. It's too much. And what if things don't work out with Chloe? Should I risk everything I have with him for being with her? Is it worth it? I feel completely drawn to her right now but what happens in a month? In two months? Will I still feel the same? Is she going to feel the same? God, I wish someone could tell me what to do now.

She called me tonight, before she went to sleep. That was really sweet of her. She asked me how I was doing. I told her I was scared but I didn't tell her how much. I didn't want her to worry about me. Apparently my neighbor is somewhat ok with us being...well....with us exploring our feelings more. That's good. It's something. A start. She also told me once more that she has faith in us. She sounded so determined, so sure. I almost cried then. How can she be so certain? I wish I could feel the same way.

Please God, let tomorrow be a better day.

09:52 pm

Current Mood: contemplative

More Thoughts

[friend-locked post]

I feel a bit better but still very confused today. Thank you to everyone who helped me through this so far–your thoughts are much appreciated.

I talked to Chloe at school today, but only briefly. It was an almost normal conversation, except for the pounding heart and the butterflies in my stomach :). But I wasn’t nearly as nervous as yesterday. And it’s just nice to see her. I wish there had been the opportunity to be a little closer, though. I had to clasp my notebook really really tight so as not to reach out to her and touch her in some way. When class got really boring today, I was seriously tempted to sneak out to her office for some, um, one-on-one time. But that would be a bad idea. If I really want to think this through, I have to keep some distance to her this week, no matter how hard that is.

I also spent some time with my BF today. It didn’t escape his attention that I had been avoiding him. So he called and asked if everything was alright. Of course I told him that I was fine. I even asked him if he wanted to hang out, partially so that he wouldn’t ask more questions and partially to ease my very guilty conscience. It was actually nice to spend time with him–I know him so well that it is hard to feel uncomfortable around him. I tried to push Chloe out of my mind as much as possible while I was with him because I wanted to figure out how I really feel about him, and about us. Naturally it was impossible to completely banish her from my thoughts :).

He noticed that I wasn’t exactly myself (after all, he knows me really well too). Thank god he thought it had something to do with Metropolis. I told him about dinner, how I would have liked to try out a new restaurant. He was really surprised, and said I should have told him and that he would have loved to take me to a different place. It just didn’t occur to him that that’s what I would have wanted (in that moment, I had to think of something Chloe said, namely that it says a lot about how well he knows me if he couldn’t figure out I would have preferred trying a new restaurant over TGIF). He apologized. And then he apologized some more, about how lame he was at the museum and how it’s just not his thing.

While him being so understanding was, well, wonderful, it also almost tore me apart. It would make things less difficult if he had been more stubborn (as he often has the tendency to). I almost told him right then and there about what happened with Chloe. I just couldn’t stand the tension anymore. But then I didn’t because I couldn’t even think of which words to use to tell him. I mean, “so, you know how I’ve been spending time with Chloe, right? Surprise! We have feelings for each other, and, oh, we also kissed. Twice. And I want to kiss her again. Really badly” or something similar wouldn’t have cut it. No matter what I’ll say he will be so hurt and disappointed. I will break his heart, and I can’t do anything about it. That kills me. Despite his flaws he doesn’t deserve that. And he won’t understand. Won’t understand how every time I see her I feel a tingly buzz all over my body, and how her kisses very nearly reduced me to a small puddle (and they were really innocent kisses too! No tongue or anything although by god I wish she had used her tongue. Sorry if that is TMI but it’s the truth). In short, I’m stuck between the proverbial rock and the hard place and I have no idea how to get out.

But since all this is apparently not enough, my aunt announced today that she’d be more than happy to organize a big party for my sixteenth birthday (which is next week). Or in other words, she politely informed me that she took charge of the festivities. I think she even mentioned that she wants to ask the millionaire if we could have the party at his house. Just what I need–lots and lots of attention. And old Harry is still missing. I wonder what happened to him.

ordinary_guy

02:10 pm

Current Mood: crazy

Current Music: Nothin - I'm in the library

The Sight

(friends only post)

Ck and me went to the old age home yesterday. Surprisingly pretty girl L was there, and CK was going on about how he hopes he can spend more time with her by being there too. It kinda got to me that the only reason he was helping there was cause of her, and I ragged on him a little, but cooled when we met Cassandra. She touched me, and told me I'd be walking home. I did. I locked my keys in the truck, so I had to go fetch a spare set.

It freaked me out completely.

I walked past Jody's on the way, and even got to her door, but I heard her dad and her arguing about something so I left.

If yesterday taught me anything it was about myself, and that I have a lot more going for me than I think.

You see, I went back last night, after CK had left already, and I saw Cassandra. She didn't tell me my future. She didn't even touch me, except when I left, and even then I told her I didn't want to know. We just talked, about life. And I told her about Jody. She said the same thing as you guys did - that I should follow my heart, and tell Jody I don't think of her like the others do. She told me to trust myself and my friends, and that everything would work out ok. Gave me a lot to think about. She wants to see me again too - said it was nice to talk to someone who didn't want the answers.

So that's my yesterday, and this is my today. Jody wasn't in class last period, and I couldn't see her in the quad when I checked before I came here. I think I'll go round and see her later. Thanks to sinisterf, chaeysa and outlawradio for your comments and advice. You're all right. I should just go and make friends, let her know I think she's cool. And it's exactly what I'm gonna do. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.

*hugs to you all*

Wed 08

freak4ever

11:45p

Current Mood: annoyed

Another day

(only friends can comment)

Well this just totally sucks! I just wrote up all these feelings, and this stupid program crashed. I am so angry right now.

On top of that Lex called me to his house in the middle of the night to show me that he still has the car from the crash. He told me why, but I still don't get it. Why can't he just be happy he's alive? I'm happy he's alive.

I told him he should just move on. I had to lie to him again. I'm too scared to tell him the truth. I'm scared he'll hate me. I'm scared of what my parents will do if I tell him. I owe my parents so much. If they hadn't found me in that field, I don't know what would have happened to me. For all I know, I could be in a lab somewhere, or worse, in jars. I can't tell Lex my secret because it isn't just my secret. My mom and dad have protected me for so long, I just can't do that to them. I know what they'll say if I ask them if I can tell Lex.

What does he want from me? My feelings for him are growing stronger. He had people look over the car. They told him there was no way the crash happened like I said. Why would he do that? I know he's the type of guy who needs to know things. He hates a mystery. Maybe I should stay away from him, but I can't. I'm drawn to him. I can admit that much.

I hope he believed me. Because if he didn't, then I don't know what I'll do. I feel hurt and kind of betrayed. I mean, it's his car, and I know he can do what he wants with it, but why does he have to keep it?

I also went to see Cassandra again. She told me that my destiny was to save people. Then she showed me some of the people that I would save. One of them was Zoe a waitress from the Beanery. I saved her from the killer. Chloe thinks it's Harry doing a timewarp care of the rocks. I just can't believe that noone hasn't gotten rid of them. They are so dangerous to humans.

It didn't help that I had to be around Chloe and Lana. We were too busy trying to figure out what was going on that we didn't really have any time to talk about other things. Which suited me just fine. I'm not really anxious to talk about it any time soon.

The thing that worries me the most is Lex. I wish he would just let it be. I want to call him right now, but I can't. I have this fear that he'll call me a liar and hang up on me. It makes me think of those horrible dreams I was having.

tabloidboy

11:04p

I’ve tried all three approaches now. I’ve tried to forget, to just silence the questions and the need to know, but that’s impossible. I’ve tried to satisfy my curiosity through other avenues, and granted that’s something I could do forever – but so far my efforts have yielded no answers and only an unfamiliar yet distinct feeling of guilt. And then, as you all urged me to do, I asked him directly. I even revealed to him my emotional investment and showed him the car. I laid myself bare. I wanted to. I wanted to believe he would answer me.

But he lied to me. With those open eyes so full of supposed caring for me and those sweet innocent lips he lied to me.

And maybe, as one of you suggested, whatever he is not telling me isn’t his to tell. And yes, I’m sure he must be scared and confused and there must be some reason, some logic, behind his lying. But none of that changes the fact that he lied to me. I knew every lie that fell from his lips.

And I still wanted him. I still want him.

Maybe I want him even more because he lies to me.

And though he stood there and lied to me, I still want to protect him from whatever it is that has driven him to it. Lips like that shouldn’t lie.

I want to protect him from me, from my desire. My desire, which just seems to get more and more out of my control.

Even for his lying he doesn’t deserve that. I need to find another way. Something in my control. Something that will keep him safe from me.

Thurs 09

freak4ever

9:38p

Current Mood: lonely

I officially hate this

(only friends can comment)

My mom just almost died! It was Harry from the old age home. I was so relieved when dad and I saved her that I didn't even care that Harry died in a rain of corn.

That was sort of pretty much my day. A few awkward moments with Chloe and Lana, but I think it's getting easier. It's Lana's birthday soon, and I really wanted to do something special for her. I don't know any more. I'll have to think about it.

I didn't get to see Lex at all today. When I just called, and his cell went straight to voice mail. The butler said he was out of town. I wonder where he is? I miss him. I want to hear his voice. I actually called his cell a few times just so I could hear his voice.

Chloe called earlier to check up on mom. We talked for a few minutes but I used the excuse that mom needed me to get off the line.

I think I'll call Lex again. His butler said he'd be home some time tonight. Maybe I'll go by the house and wait for him to get home. Is it stupid to miss him this much? Especially after the car thing.

I keep thinking about it. It's a moment in my life that I would never change, yet it's a moment in my life that has placed me front and center in the mind of a very powerful man. I'm terrified. I can't tell my mom and dad. I have to pretend like it isn't happening.I have to trust that Lex will put it aside just like I said.

grlf_reporting

08:18 am

Current Mood: awake

Girl F's two day recap

[Friends-only post]

I'm at school early this morning, and I figured I'd fill all of you in on what's going been happening lately, so to recap...

Pete and I hung out for the first time in like a couple weeks Tuesday night! It was a little awkward though, because we kept tap-dancing around issues, like me with LL lately and him with CK and Mr. X's "friendship" (which he is starting to ask me about, and possibly suspects there is something more to it than meets the eye... For someone who keeps so many secrets, Clark could use a few tips on discretion.)

Whenever CK and I have seen each other the past few days, ice forms on the walls! He's taking this a little harder than I thought he would, but I think he'll be okay. I know he's trying to deal with my confession about there being something between LL and I... I think he just needs more time.

Speaking of which, LL definitely needs more time. She came over yesterday. She's working with us on this mystery going on around here right now (no surprises there), and she went to my office to wait for me with the guys, and I guess while she was there, she did some looking around. She saw the Wall of Weird, and I completely forgot that there is a very big and unflattering picture of her on it.
LL lost her parents in a tragedy that is infamous in this town, and the weird has taken over ever since that first major weird event, and the picture was from that disaster. She was only like three years-old when it was taken, and it immortalizes her in the worst moment of her life, crying and miserable at the death of her Mom and Dad.

When she was at my house last night, she confronted me about it, asking why I had it there, and it was obvious that it really hurt her to have seen it there. After defending my choice ton include it there (my Dad had the magazine I got it from since the catastrophe struck, so it's not like it had anything to do with her personally), I told her I would take it down (not because she asked me to or wanted me to, but just because I don't feel right having it there when I know what it means to her... I wouldn't want my mother's departure up on a wall for everyone, including my friends, to see).

She got a little emotional, then I got a little emotional. She got a little hesitant (when I asked her if she knew what she wanted to do about this thing we started between us yet), then I got a little nervous and tried to give her an easy-out. She didn't take it, then I got a little impulsive... This time I just grabbed her and kissed her. I couldn't help myself! I was swept up in a beautiful moment that just felt like she was trying to tell me everything would be okay. When she left, I had that sense that everything was fine and that it would work out, but we still have a little way to go if we really want to be together... or rather, if she wants to be with me. I know I'm happy. The rest is up to her now...

One final note before I rush to my first class:
Angel was great last night! Let's here it for Spike! :)
To Captain Peroxide and Captain Forehead, may they never stop being them!
(Isn't it cute?! They even have similar pet names for one another!)
It's totally pathetic that in the midst of all this chaos around me (not to mention this new Weird File concerning the old guy that vanished on LL on Monday) I still make this a priority! LOL!

This is Girl F reporting with the early edition.

anotherlife

07:45 am

Current Mood: content

Odd Encounters

I think I might know what’s going on with Harry. Chloe told me what she and my neighbor and his best friend have found out. Apparently, the suspicion I had the other day was right, and the young guy from the coffee shop was indeed old Harry. He found some way to change back into his younger self, and now he appears to be going around killing people. He almost killed a waitress from the Beanery last night (and yes, my neighbor once again was there to save her!). I was worried when Chloe and the others went over to the retirement home last night to do some more “research” (ie go through his stuff for clues) but it seems like no one caught them. This is all so bizarre, but what else is new?

Another thing that happened yesterday is that I found Chloe’s “Wall of Weird”. It’s a collection of news clippings and pictures that she put up at her office at the school paper. There was a picture of me there, too. From the day my parents died. I wear a silly pink princess costume, and I’m on my aunt’s arm, crying. I hate that picture, and I hate that it was on the cover of a national magazine. This was the most awful day of my life, and it’s there for all the world to see. It’s part of why so many people can’t think of me in any other way–I’ll always just be that little girl in the princess costume to them.

My neighbor happened to walk in on me looking at the picture (we were all supposed to meet to talk about the latest Harry developments). It was a bit awkward being around him at first, due to the thing with Chloe. But then our conversation was actually ok. I told him how I felt about the picture, and he totally understood. It was one of those moments between us where he just gets me. He assured me he doesn’t see me as the little girl in the picture, and in that moment, I felt like he was the only one.

I think things are going to be ok again between him, Chloe, and me. Maybe it’ll take a little more time but he’s not going to disappear from my life, and I’m so grateful for that. I’d have hated the thought of losing him so soon after getting to know him.

09:16 pm

Current Mood: drained

Searching and Searching

(this is a friends-locked entry)

I saw Chloe last night. It was the first time we were alone since Sunday. After what happened at the Torch I just had to see her. I needed to know why that picture was there, and if she also sees this little girl in me. Because if she did, I don’t think I’d want to be with her.

She explained the whole thing to me, and she even promised to take down the picture. I didn’t ask–-she offered (I actually didn’t want her to do that because I know how much of herself goes into that wall). I feel bad now for even thinking that she’d only see me as this image.

We also talked about our relationship again. If and where we want to go with it. It became really clear that these questions are mine to answer now because she knows. I was again completely startled by her strength and determination. She is afraid too, but nowhere near as much as I am. And she wants to fight if necessary. She said that as long as I’m with her, she’d be willing to take on whatever may come.

I told her about some of my fears, and about what a wreck I was on Monday. After listening to me she suggested that maybe we shouldn’t take it any further then. That she didn’t want to cause me any pain. I felt like I was falling down in bottomless pit. Swallowed whole, in complete darkness. I knew then there was no way I could give up on her. That thought scares me more than anything that’s out there. There has to be some way to make this work. Even though I know this now for sure, I have not told her yet. Or at least not in such clear terms.

We also kissed again (and yes, there was some tongue this time!). I think I might have been moving a little too fast for her but I just couldn't help myself. It's just...I was so close to pushing her down on the bed and....well, you can figure that out yourself. But at least I know that she isn't afraid to touch me. Her hand was moving up my leg when we were kissing, and while she felt a little embarassed about that, I don't think she regretted it :).

Towards the end of our conversation, she basically told me that I have to make a decision. Her or him. She has every right to ask this, and I wish I could just say, “Yes, Chloe, it’s you and you alone. You rock my world and bring the stars down from the sky.” But I can’t let go of my BF that easily...I still have feelings for him, and despite the fact that right now, they are not anywhere near as strong as what I feel for her, I can’t ignore them.

I will talk to him tomorrow night. I have to be honest with him, and I feel like I have already betrayed his trust way too much. He’ll be angry and upset and so disappointed in me. The worst thing is that he doesn’t even know this is coming. Oh god. It’s going to be terrible. I just hope I can see Chloe afterwards–-I’m going to need her strength then.

Fri 10

freak4ever

10:50a

Current Mood: worried

I'm worried

I went by last night to see if Lex was around. He wasn't, so I hung out near the house out of site. He returned really late, but I didn't bother him since he looked so tired. I wanted to go talk to him, but how was I going to explain why I was there.

I watched him through a window for a while. He looked so sad, almost like somebody had died. I ached to go to him. I think I'll go see him later today. Maybe we could play a game of pool.

I'm supposed to be in class right now, but I ducked into the torch office. I'm still avoiding CS and LL but I think I'll talk to them today. Separately.

10:52p

Current Mood: hopeful

The talks and other things

(only friends can comment)

I had the talk with Chloe. It was really awkward, and she seemed kind of out of it. When I asked her if she wanted to talk about it she said no. I think I'll see if Pete has more luck. Lana and I ran into each other in the hall. It was kind of awkward. We ducked into the Torch office for privacy. She was really nice about it. The worst part; it just made me like her more.

I stopped by to see Cassandra again. She was dead. It was her she saw in the vision. When she told me somebody was going to die I think it was her she was talking about. It totally freaked me out, but that's not the worst part. How can't it be the worst part you ask? Well, Lex was there. He looked so terrified, I had to follow him home.

I just got back from there. It's not good. He kept going on about how I should stay away from him. How he's dangerous, and how he was the one who killed Cassandra. She was really old. I mean ancient old.

When I first found him his hand was bleeding. He'd cut it, and even though he told me it was an accident I know it was deliberate. He cut himself. I'm not sure why. He said that Cassandra died because she saw his future. I think he cut the hand that touched her.

I kissed him again. Only this time I didn't back down or run. I held him close to me, and kissed him. It was terrifying. I was so scared, and then he pushed me away and told me we couldn't do it. I refused to let him do that. He asked me to stay. I pulled him closer, and held him in my arms until he fell asleep.

God, he's so beautiful! I took him up to his room and watched as he slept. It was the most calm and content I'd felt all month. He woke up briefly, but I urged him to just get some sleep. He looked so exhausted.

I had a nightmare about the graveyard. Again there was no gravestone for Lex. I think it means something very significant. I'm not sure what. Lex was better after he'd slept. I was so afraid he'd notice how excited I was to be so close to him, but either he was being very polite, or he was just too upset to notice. I slept in the same bed as him! I didn't actually intend to fall asleep, it just sort of happened. I was watching him sleep and before I knew it, I woke up from the nightmare. I was still in the bed with him. I think I hurt him in my sleep.

We had a quiet dinner. I was sort of babbling about dumb stuff, but he seemed interested in what I had to say. That's one of things I love about him; he takes me seriously. After we finished he drove me home. I wanted so badly to just stay with him for the night, and make sure he didn't try to hurt himself again. I know he cut his hand on purpose.

I wished I could have kissed him right there, but I know that is not a good idea. My dad has this bad habit of showing up at the worst times.

I watched him go. He seemed much better than when I found him. I hope he is. It hurt deep inside to see him fall apart. He's always so calm. I am really looking forward to the Sunday movie date.

tabloidboy

8:49a

Thank you, edgecity for the beautiful icons. Your thoughtfulness is not lost on me, nor is the unintended irony of this gesture. Today is not a day in which I feel that I deserve gifts.

I am glad that my words have moved you, and yet I wonder at the purpose of this, wonder why you all read what I write, and why you seem to care one way or the other.

I thought originally that I would have wisdom to impart. But I realize now that I don’t understand a thing.

I don’t know a thing.

These are just words that I write here, and I’m not even sure what the point is. I’m not sure of anything.

I’ve tried to make good decisions, tried to shape things, to make them better. But I have so much ambition, and so much need. And I can’t give those things up, I wouldn’t know how.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I just wanted to keep things simple, physical. To reign in my desire. To use it up. But I feel more fucked than ever, more lost, and still wanting. I want to find my way. I want answers. I want certainty.

Don’t tell me that’s too much to want, because I will still want it. It doesn’t matter that it’s too much. I will never stop wanting.

But I don’t want to become my father. Don’t want to use people to fill this need, this empty place.

I want to leave a mark on this world, for the better. I know my angel will. Without even trying he touches everyone in his life, makes their lives better.

And I’m just tainting him. I want to fix things. But I’m just fucking them up more.

anotherlife

06:39 pm

Current Mood: anxious

Off to Battle

(this is a friends-locked post)

I am about to go over to my BF's house to talk about what's been going on between Chloe and me. I'm scared of what's going to happen, of how he's going to react...I have a hard time telling what he might say or do. My mind goes blank when I try to picture our conversation, yet I can't stop thinking about it.

outlawradio asked me a few really tough questions in a recent post, and I thought I'd share my answers here since they are the outcome of all the thinking I've done this week (her questions are in italic):

Why don't you feel that it's supposed to end now? Is something keeping you with him besides your worries about his feelings?

I just have a feeling that this shouldn't be the end, and I can't really explain that. But I have come to the decision that we at least need to take a break. I need some space to explore my feelings for Chloe, and I don't want to have to feel like I'm cheating on him. And yes, there is something else. He makes me feel very safe and cared for. This might not be so important to some, but it's very important to me. He's a great guy, too. I know I have been complaining about him a lot here, but he has some wonderful qualities. He makes me laugh, he's honest and kind. Plus he's a cutie (yes, I am still attracted to him).

it seems like you're so in tune with her, and like your BF doesn't understand what you want or need, or if he does, he's not very good at meeting those needs

Yes, very true. Being with Chloe is simply magical. I'm sure part of it is because these are new feelings but she also gets parts of me that are beyond his comprehension. And I have only lately realized how important those parts are to me and to what I see in my future. But I am not yet certain if they are the most important parts. I think I never really tried to explain these issues to him because they didn't seem that important. But maybe if I tried harder, and I'm sure he'd try hard to understand me, then he'd get it.

Because of prejudice in your town? Maybe. But is there another reason? What do you really want? And what are you afraid of that's real?

Well, the prejudice in town does actually worry me quite a bit. Even though I'd like to be strong enough to just face that and accept if everyone hated me, I can't. I love this town and its people, and I want to continue to be a part of it. I don't want people staring at me in the street, and whispering behind my back that I will rot in hell because I'm with her. That's why I want to keep Chloe seperate from the rest of my life for now. As for what I really want...well, I wish I could have everything: be with Chloe, be open about it to everyone, everyone accepting and supporting us, be close to my BF. But that's a dream. In reality, I have to make choices between the things I want, and for now, I have chosen her.

This is where I stand now. Please wish me luck for tonight. I will going over to Chloe's after talking to my BF so I am not sure if I will be posting later tonight, or only tomorrow.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me this week--you really made a difference.

Sat 11

tabloidboy

5:53a

Because sleep is eluding me...

This is a friends only post. Only friends can comment.

Haven’t you ever wanted to push at the borders, the boundaries? To rail against the order of things? To make it change, to make a mark?

That’s what it felt like. But I know I scared my angel in the process.

In my moments of lucidity I do see how lucky I am to have him as a friend, to have him watching over me. But sometimes, in my less lucid moments, I forget to take him into account. I’m not proud of those moments. And I wish I didn’t have them. Because in those moments I do feel completely alone. And if I’m alone then I have no responsibility to anyone but myself.

I killed an old woman. Or my future killed her. I know, you believe me to be fully rational – or perhaps you know better by now. But my angel told me she saw the future and I believe him. He told me she predicted her own death. She must not have gotten all the details or she wouldn’t have touched me. She died from my touch.

So my blood was running and hers wasn’t. And if there is something in me – like venom – I, I just wanted to see. The glass was there and sharp and I just wanted to see.

No, I wasn’t in my right mind and no this isn’t something I do regularly or have ever done before. And it’s not something I’ll do again.

But I should have thought of my angel, and I didn’t. In that moment.

And I should have thought of him the night before. Or rather, I did think of him, but not in the right way.

I was thinking of him, though, as I watched the blood. I was thinking of how he is the opposite of me, in so many ways.

And then, of course, he was there. He had come to save me again. I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was. He was so frightened but so firm. He seemed so much older than I, standing there.

I tried to get him to leave, over and over. But only with words. My body wouldn’t listen. I didn’t throw him out. I let him hold me. I let him bandage me. And I let him kiss me.

Oh, who am I kidding? I kissed him back, just as I did the first time. But this time he didn’t run away. His kiss was demanding and desiring and comforting, uncertain and determined, all at once. I have never been kissed quite like that before.

I don’t know if his crush is even in the picture anymore. It didn’t seem like…I mean, I tried to make him stop. But half heartedly. And he begged me not to. He didn’t seem so confused anymore. And he swore again and again that he wouldn’t leave.

I drifted off in his arms, and woke hours later in my bed, still in his arms. I don’t remember how I got there.

I watched him sleep and he began to shake. Calling out the names of his loved ones. Not my name, though.

I woke him up and he said it was a vision. When I pressed him, to find out what he meant, he said it was just a dream. But I don’t believe him. That woman must have told him something.

No, nothing happened after that. I wasn’t about to—I mean I won’t take advantage of him.

And truth be told, I just felt so peaceful, so happy. We had dinner and dessert, I gave him his first piece of tiramisu ever, and well you know how I feel about watching him eat. Those lips enveloping that cream…well, you get the idea. But even so I for once had no need to push, nor to run. After dinner I drove him home and let it be.

Now I am alone again but the castle doesn’t even feel that empty. I can feel him here.

I don’t necessarily expect this feeling to last. But I believed him when he said he wouldn’t leave.

anotherlife

07:27 pm

Current Mood: loved

Relief

(this is a friends-locked entry)

I feel better today than in a long time. More alive, somehow.

Chloe and I are now officially together. So I guess that makes her my girlfriend. Wow. That’s...somewhat scary, but also exciting. It’ll take some time getting used to that. Even if I’ll probably only refer to her as my girlfriend in my head since we won’t tell anyone about us, at least for now. That’s the one thing I asked of her and I’m glad she agreed to it. I know she’d rather be open about it but I just can’t. She’s probably going to tell her dad but I know I won’t tell my aunt if I can somehow avoid it. She’ll never understand. So far, my neighbor is the only one who knows, which is kind of ironic. He has so many secrets about him, and yet he is the one person whom we trusted with our currently biggest secret. Yesterday, he actually came up to me at school, to talk to me about my relationship with Chloe. He said he was fine with it--which I can tell he’s really not yet, but I appreciate that he reached out to me.

You are probably wondering how the talk with my boyfriend went. It was pretty devastating, for both of us. At first he didn’t believe me, and thought I was joking. Once he realized that I wasn’t he got very angry. He railed against Chloe, how she must have seduced me and some nastier things that I will not repeat here. I assured him that the feelings were mutual. At last, he just collapsed into himself and became very still. He asked me if I loved him, which I denied, and if I loved her, to which I replied that I didn’t know yet. I told him that I needed some space to see where things with Chloe could go and asked him if we could take a break for a wile. He’s gonna think about that until Monday. If he can’t do it, we’ll break up. After that he basically asked me to leave him alone. While I understand that, it hurt nevertheless. He wouldn’t even let me touch him.

I went over to Chloe’s afterward. More painful moments ensued, which was entirely my fault. I was still so caught up in what just happened that I wasn’t very clear with my words. She got the impression that I basically left it up to him to decide what would happen now, when I had already decided before I went to see him that I wanted to be with her. But before we figured out that it was just a misunderstanding, she (deservedly) got very upset, which scared me so much. I could tell that she tried very hard not to break down, and I had no idea what was wrong, why she was pulling back all of a sudden. For a moment I was afraid I had lost both him and her...

But we sorted it out, and from then on, everything fell into place. I told her that she rocks my world (I figured she really should hear that, especially after I already wrote about it here). Chloe was stunned :). But probably not nearly as stunned as I was when she told me how she feels about me because that was just totally overwhelming. She said she could easily fall in love with me and that she has never felt like this about a person before. Those words took my breath away, made me lightheaded. She’s so amazing and so beautiful and I do this to her? Make her feel that way? I am not sure if I deserve that, but I’m gonna try to be everything she’s looking for.

I’m not sure where all this is gonna go but the way I feel today leads me to believe we are going someplace really good. And we’re going out tomorrow night! Dinner and a movie :). I might even hold her hand during the film...

I have to go. My aunt is calling me. She wants me to plan my birthday party with her, or, in other words, approve the arrangements she’s made. I can’t believe she asked the millionaire to have the party at his mansion. Well, if it makes her happy. I’m so happy myself right now that I really don’t care.

P.S.: I thought it was appropriate to use one of the new icons that some of you have made for me for this post (thanks so much for the icons!!!)

redhotmama

03:06 pm

Current Mood: drained

Sorry I was away so long.

Ok where do I begin.......

The boy and his friends were still volunteering at the home. The "psychic" I mentioned earlier told him someone close to him would die. He also rescued a girl from a pyschopath. This is where it gets interesting. The same psychopath tried to kill me but he really wanted to kill my husband. You see, the husband's father was part of a jury that convicted him of a crime and he went nuts wanting to getrevenge. Im a little shook up but Im resiliant. I learned that I love my husband and son more than anything in this world. I mean I knew it already but this kinda of put it in perspective.

lions_den

03:37 pm

Current Mood: Worried and in a hurry

I'm very worried about my son. Can't say that to anyone, so I share it here.

I'll visit him soon, the moment I can.

~Li

07:29 pm

Lost my pills. I've been taking them for almost two weeks now, and now I lost them. Maybe I left them in Tokyo.

Oh, well.