The Smallville Diaries - Oct 12 - Oct 18, 2003

Oct 12

freak4ever

12:03a

Current Mood: angry

Sometimes I wish ...

(private post - comment at sv_journals)

that the world was my home. But it isn't. No matter how much I want to be a human I'm not. I'm an alien. I don't belong here. I never will.

I play dress-up every day, and pretend like I belong. I have friends who think they know me, but they don't. I have parents who raised me, but they are never going to be my real parents. I will never know what my home world looks like.

And now, I think I can just take something from this planet.

Lex Luthor is not mine and he never will be. He thinks he knows me, but he never will.

He would hate me if he knew the truth. He would never let me touch him again if he knew the truth.

All my life I thought I could live with these humans. I thought I could be one of them. I thought I could have what they have.

BUT I NEVER WILL!

Never. When I do what nobody else can, it reminds me that I am never going to be the same as the humans on this world.

I wish I could open the space ship. If only I knew more about where I came from, and why I was sent to earth. Was it an accident? Is my home world even there anymore? Are my people out there searching for me? What do my real parents looks like? So many questions.

I looked at the space ship again today. I kept thinking about why I'm here, and eventually I went down to look at it. It's just a big hunk of cold metal, but it protected me when I was out in space headed for my new home.

This home. Earth. Planet earth. I love this planet.

Invulnerability doesn't extend to my feelings.

I am so afraid of Lex finding out about my secret. I have to pull away from him. I don't have a choice. What else can I do. I know I love him. I know I am in love with him. I have never felt this way about anybody ever, and I don't know what to do. It shouldn't be this strong. It shouldn't hurt this much.

I love him, but there is no way I can deal with the consequences of that.

tabloidboy

12:22p

It is not starting out to be a good day. My angel canceled our "date" via voicemail. He even called it a date -- or rather, he said, and I quote "I guess it shouldn't be too hard for you to find another date".

Sometimes I think he doesn't know me at all.

He said it was because his mother and father wouldn't let him go out on a school night. And yes, that does make me feel rather like...I'm robbing the cradle, even though sometimes he seems so much older than me. But only sometimes. Other times he just seems so young, and I think -- why the hell do I feel this way? But it doesn't change the way I feel, recognizing that. I can't make the feelings stop.

I don't think he canceled because of his mother and father. I'm more inclined to believe this is a delayed reaction to what happened between us. I let myself be vulnerable with him, and he saw for himself how fucked up I am, how much I hide from the world -- and though I tried to warn him, he ignored me at the time. But perhaps my warnings sunk in after the fact. As they should have. It's for the best. It's better for me to deal with this on my own.

grlf_reporting

12:14 am

Current Mood: loved

Modern gal floats as she gets the girl!

[Friends-only post]

The greatest thing happened last night! I've been on cloud nine ever since then!

I had to work all day today to put the paper to bed before I could post about anything here. I needed to make sure I had tomorrow free :)

LL came over after talking to her (former?) bf about us. She was obviously pretty shaken, and I know I was on edge, because of a lot of things. I was mainly just so nervous because she was supposed to reach a decision soon about us and I was afraid that this confrontation with her bf (it did not go too well, but honestly, it went as well as could be expected) would influence her choice.

When she started talking, it genuinely sounded like that was what was happening. I panicked, big time! I got so nervous. It sounded like she was saying she was going to wait to hear what he said about her needing time apart from him to see where this goes. It felt like my heart had been ripped out, and at that moment, I realized how easily and seriously I was falling for her... It was pretty scary, but my full-blown panic attack ended quickly, because she reassured me she was going to do what she wanted no matter what, and that what she said had come out wrong... She also revealed that she had already made her decision...

She said yes!

She wants to be with me! We're a couple now! We're officially (albeit unofficially to the public eye) dating! I don't think I've ever been happier than I was when she told me that! I haven't been this excited about anything since I first knew I wanted to be a reporter! I can't explain it, but there's this incredible bond between us, and I care about her more than I could ever tell her without overwhelming her. (I feel like I don't want to make any big movements or I might send her away screaming.)

I agreed with her that we should keep this information and change in relationship status to ourselves for now. We will be together on our own terms this way, and without having to endure judgment and chastizing from people like her aunt and anyone else in this rural Hamlet where the conservative political motto seems to be "Only turkeys have left wings". I suspect there are a good number of people who would be understanding, especially given time, but we really need to adjust to being a couple first before we go on the record with this.

LL and I spent a little bit of time before she left in each other's arms, just enjoying being close, reaping the benefit of now being able to do that without feeling awkward about it. I felt so at peace laying there with her. I didn't kiss her this time, because I wanted to see if she would kiss me, if she would initiate it. She didn't. I guess she just isn't ready to make a move like that on her own yet. *grin* Maybe she'll do it on our date tomorrow. Dinner and a movie. Classic, eh?! I can't wait! One thing's for sure though. I'm not going to do anything until she starts it. I want to be sure she wants it and that she's comfortable, not to mention that she is confident in the decision she's made. I figure she'll initiate physical contact when (and if) she's ready.

It's been a long day for me and tomorrow is a big day, so I'm hitting the sack!

This is Girl F with a float-by post :)

anotherlife

05:18 pm

Current Mood: bouncy

A New Look

I changed the layout and some of the colors on my LJ today because I wanted some kind of visible change in my life now that I am with Chloe :)

It wasn't half as hard to change the design as I thought and I'm quite proud of myself!

I had another really good day today--went out riding, did some homework, helped my aunt with the party preparations. Now it's only a little more than an hour until Chloe comes to pick me up and I have all these butterflies in my stomach. I've already gone through my entire closet twice to pick out an outfit.I want to wear something special but not look overly dressed up (I'm not sure Chloe would like that, plus I really don't need my aunt's attention). I wonder what she's going to wear...

Full recap when I get back!

ordinary_guy

06:51 pm

Current Mood: crushed

Catch up

(friends only post)

I went to Chloe's on Tuesday night, we chilled out and watched some TV. She gave me some advice about dating, but I didn't tell her why I wanted to know what girls liked, I mean really liked when they went out with guys. She seemed, kinda withdrawn... no not withdrawn, but like she was somewhere else - her thoughts were playng on her mind I think. I know there's something she's not telling me about CK and rich boy L. But I'm not really bothered about that - I think there's something more to everything than we ever know. I just hope that either CK or Clo will realise they can trust me, and tell me whatever it is that they're both hiding - whatever it is.

---

After seeing Cassandra again on Wednesday, I went to Jody's. Cass told me that I should follow my heart. So I did. It wasn't a date or anythiung, I just went and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk and chat and stuff. She told me about how she thought I was really nice, because I never treated her like the other guys. I told her I thought she was special, to me anyway, and that I would never think anything bad of her. It's true, I wouldn't. When we got back to hers from our walk, I kissed her on the cheek, and gave her an uber Pete hug. She said she'd call me. I'm still waiting. Hope she calls soon, I really hope I haven't messed things up between us. I couldn't bear that.

I really do like her.

---

On Friday, Cassandra died , I went by to see her again and her bed was empty. The nurse said she just went quickly. One minute she was fine, the next she had gone. It may sound stupid, but she was a very special woman. Not just because she had the sight, or because it was real, but because she was always her. She knew that people were afraid of her "power" and that she was outcast because of it; but she still kept being herself. Right to the end. I saw her twice after my first visit, and she was always just how she was. We talked about Jody, about the past - my past. She was like my agony aunt. I told her so many secrets. I confided in her. It's such a shame she's gone.

She left something for me - a package. I haven't opened it, I don't want to risk the fact that it might tell me something I don't want to know. Curious that it says on the front "Open when you're ready." Guess she knew I'd be worried about it.

I miss her already.

Oct 13

freak4ever

12:29a

Current Mood: excited

Panic time

(only friends can comment)

I am sitting here trying to figure out when I turned into an ass. I mean I was the one that asked him to go to a movie and then I turn around and cancel. I made up a lame excuse about my mom and dad not wanting me to go out on a night before school. It was a complete lie. I asked my mom, and she said it was fine as long as I got home by eleven.

My mom and I talked about dating. She figured it was because of how I feel about LL, so I didn't correct her. She told me she doesn't want me to get hurt. I guess that's what a mom is supposed to say. At first I asked her what she liked a guy to do on a date, so she told me with this big smile on her face. She seemed pretty excited about this new development. I wanted to ask how she would feel if I went out with a guy instead of a girl but I chickened out.

I'm back. I called AJL.

He was drunk. We talked and I confessed that I had lied earlier about why I couldn't go to the movies with him. He was nice about it but I could tell he didn't like that I lied. We talked for a while and I told him how I really feel about him. I got kind of confused while we were talking, but I think everything is going to be fine. I asked him to give me time. I really need it. I need to figure things out.

I told him I loved him. I actually said it out loud when he was awake and he heard me. I think I had a panic attack after I hung up the phone. Oh god! What the hell am I doing? He's six years older than me. He's gorgeous, sophisticated, worldly and, not to mention, a guy!

I'm just a country hick. What does he see in me? Oh gosh, I think I will panic now.

8:26a

Current Mood: bouncy

Weeeeee!!!!!

(only friends can comment)

I told Lex I love him! I am so happy right now! Off to do lots of chores. :)

9:11p

WEEEE!!!!!

Aphrodite/Eros

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

This is so not me! I just thought it would be fun.

Mmmmm I am eating pumpkin pie right now. I saw AJL today. He was so hot, but I controlled myself around him. I was a good boy. We just flirted a lot, and he was so amazing. *sigh*

More later. I still have a ton of homework, and a ton of chores to do. Plus PR is supposed to call. He's been going on and on about this really nice girl Jodie from school. She's so sweet and kind of shy. I saw the way he looked at her in class today. It was great to see him get all flustered when she walked by. I am so happy for my friend. When LL passed us in the hall she smiled and said hello. PR poked me in the ribs, and teased me. I just smiled and thought of AJL.

Off to clean some hay. :)

11:18p

Current Mood: loved

Oh man

(comment at sv_journals please)

I'm blushing while I'm writing this, even though only I will read it.

Oh wow. I have to get this down so that I can be reminded of the day I came in my jeans with Lex right there beside me. It was so hot and amazing. He was so hot and amazing.

We played pool, and I didn't even care who was winning. He told me his dad had been to visit him yesterday. I was worried since his dad and him don't really get along.

I couldn't help myself. I had to hug him. Then one thing led to another, and before I knew it we were kissing. I couldn't stop it; he couldn't stop it. It was so hot and amazing. Lex is just so hot. He pushed me against the pool table, and I thought for sure he was going to lay me down on it, but instead we just made out like teenagers. I asked if this was okay, and he said yes. More like moaned yes. It was so hot, and I was so hard.

Before I knew what was happening I was coming in my pants. I was so embarrassed. But he was great about it. He didn't mock me or laugh or anything like that. He held me and caressed my head. It was so nice to have him there. I've never been with someone before, you know, right after I've come. I've always been alone, since it was just me doing the touching.

I feel like I have this great big secret, which I guess I do, since we're the only one's who know.

He was hard too but he wouldn't let me take care of it. I was really nervous so I kind of just followed his lead. I mean he knows way more about this stuff than I do.

After I left, I watched from a hiding spot as he sat down and pulled out his cock. He was gorgeous, and I watched as he stroked himself to climax. He came all over his shirt, and he moaned my name. It was such a turn on. I wanted to go back in, and lick it all off just to see what it tasted like.

I am getting so turned on right now just writing this. I didn't think I could do it, but since nobody else will read it but me, I feel safer. Thank god for private posts. I know I will be making more of these in the future.

Well, I'm off to jerk off. Hee that is too silly.

tabloidboy

7:21p

Current Music: Massive Attack

My angel called last night to apologize. I was somewhat drunk at the time. I wish now that I had been sober so I could have had the moment in clarity. But then I wouldn’t have said the things I said, and I don’t regret them, not really.

But at any rate I was drunk, and not in the best state of mind, as my father had paid me a visit earlier, making cryptic comments as per usual. It seemed like something was on my father’s mind but I couldn’t tell exactly what. When he left I felt both unnerved and for some reason very sad. So when my angel called I perhaps didn’t handle it as I usually would. Hearing may angel’s voice, he sounded so present, so warm, and so scared. So real.

He told me that he lied. No, not about everything, not about the day he saved me, not about those other lies between us, but that’s not important right now. He confessed to lying about why he canceled our plans. As I suspected, it wasn’t because his parents wouldn’t allow him to go out.

He told me that…

that he’s scared.
Scared of his feelings for me.

He told me that he had feelings for me.

Which I know isn’t really news, especially given recent events, but hearing him say it was something that I…I don’t even really know how to comprehend. There is no comparable moment in my life. What he said...I couldn’t even say it back. Even if I felt it. Even though I feel it.

I know that I should put a stop to this before it gets out of control. But I can’t help it. I’ve never had anything in my life that felt so good, so right, so much like…like everything I want.

He’s just a teenage boy. His life shouldn’t be this complicated. But I feel as if this thing is bigger than both of us. Like I said from the beginning, I can’t ignore the conviction that we have a destiny. Together.

I don’t know what he sees when he looks at me. But sometimes I think he sees me, he knows me, better than I know myself. That he sees right through me, even when I am tricking myself.

He told me that he was scared because he was a virgin, and when he said that, my initial response was hurt--bitterness just swept over me like a force. I felt like to him I was a tabloid perversion only, a high school boy’s dirty wet dream. But when I asked him if this was just about sex to him, he sounded so hurt that I would even suggest that, and I instantly felt terrible. How could I think that?

But now when I think about it, and think about what I have done…even in the most recent past...fuck, he should be scared of me. I’m not so different from my tabloid self. I don’t want to taint him. I don’t want to hurt him. And yet I want him.

I was thinking about all the questions I have for him, the ones that have been burning me up inside. Maybe they would be better directed back at me. There are things I don’t understand about my own life, my own body. I have my own mysteries to solve.

I read a report in the paper today that said that Cassandra died of a drug overdose. I don’t believe it, though. I was there. Something she saw in my future, or something just in my touch, killed her. Something in me isn’t… normal. I’m different. Maybe that’s what he sees in me. I’ve liked to think my difference is my strength. He might see it that way. I’m not sure he’s right, though, anymore.

Before the meteor shower I was scared and spoiled. Unaware. Since that day--the day the meteors found me--I’ve known how vast the universe is.

But why did the universe choose me?
And why has my angel chosen me?

I know, I know, you’ll all write in to say that I shouldn’t need answers to these questions. That I should just ease up. Let life work itself out.

My angel asked me for time too. I told him I could give him that, and I meant it.

I’m not going to pull away from him. I’m not going to question this gift in my life, at least for a little while, for as long as I can take it. I can’t afford to.

I can turn my questions inward. That’s probably more to the point anyway.

grlf_reporting

12:05 pm

Current Mood: flirty

Hot date details by Girl F

[Friends-only post]

I'm late to lunch at my office because there's an algebra test coming up and Pete hooked us up today with a girl who's great with math for a lunchtime study group.
Our first session was really quick, but we still have time.

Anyway, on to the juicy gossip column stuff!

LL and I had our first official date last night!

It was really perfect! We ate at this little restaurant called Lola's. The food was really good, but I didn't give it too much thought, because we were so caught up in conversation and the romantic atmosphere! There were lights strung up everywhere and a candle on the table... LL looked amazing! I think that's the prettiest I've ever seen her, all dressed up and glowing by candlelight.

We talked about birthdays because her birthday is coming up on Friday (not that I have the slightest clue what to get her). Her aunt is throwing a huge extravaganza for the event. You'd think it was a debutant ball or something! It's even being held at Mr. X's mansion at special request of her aunt... *rolls eyes* LL doesn't get it, neither do I, and we're both about as impressed. LOL! She said birthdays have never been a big deal, and that's something I can sympathize with. Every year, my Dad goes nuts and showers me with cornball presents and things to do, but he does his best to make it fun. It's a really big deal to him like it is to LL's aunt, but I've kinda gotten used to no one else really noticing. Case in point, last year, CK got me a gift certificate.... for the town! It's was like a downtown shopping center type of thing, and I appreciated the thought, but... I mean, come on! A gift certificate?! From my best friend?! I told LL all of this. She asked me when my birthday was, but I refused to tell her. It was too much fun to tease her, but I'm keeping that my little secret for now. Meanwhile, I should think about what the hell I'm going to get her... Even though she said I didn't have to get her anything, and that just being there would be enough... Yeah, right! Like I would get her nothing for her birthday!

Last detail and one of the coolest was the end of our date. After we went to see Pirates of the Carribean (one of the advantages/disadvantages of living in a small town is that you either get movies late or for long stretches that's all that ever plays), I was driving her home to drop her off. We were talking about the movie, and I very casually mentioned the homoerotic tension that could be read between the lines when you watched Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom on screen together. (I'm trying to slowly introduce her to "slash"--I'm just becoming acquainted with it myself, courtesy of the internet!) In the middle of that, she asked me to pull over because she wanted to say goodnight properly! *raises eyebrows* She really didn't want to say much, but she kissed me! She did it, she initiated it, and it was really hot! She even caught me a little off guard with a bit of tongue action, and she was really passionate about it too! I feel a lot more comfortable with the physical boundaries between us now just knowing that she is okay with that stuff.

Before I run so I'm not marked late again, I have to mention that when my cousin Lois called last week, she asked me if I wanted to come visit her again the weekend of Halloween... I made tentative plans to go, but now I'm a little less enthused. I feel bad telling LL I'll be out of town for three days and for Halloween (Halloween falls on a Friday this year, so that's convenient, but this year, it's inconvenient too...) Maybe I'll go to my cousin's late Friday night or early Saturday morning... Well, I've still got almost two whole weeks to decide, so I'll see how things go and what plans come up.

This is Girl F breaking for lunch.

anotherlife

06:06 pm

Current Mood: happy

Dinner and A Movie

I meant to give you a full report on how my date with Chloe went last night but when I got home I was so tired and just collapsed into bed. It was one of those times when you are just exhausted but happy and fall asleep right away. Or in other words, I had the most wonderful time with Chloe.

We went to a small restaurant (Lola's) that I didn't even know existed. It was a very cute place and so romantic. Just perfect, with Christmas lights on the ceiling and all these cute pictures on the wall. Dinner flew by--we talked about all kinds of things, nothing too serious, just some lighthearted conversation. I vented a bit about the upcoming party, and Chloe assured me she wouldn't be too enthused either if someone was planning the social event of the season for her birthday. Oh, and she refused to tell me when her birthday is!! She is such a tease. But I have my ways, meaning that I'll ask my neighbor next chance I get. Chloe asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her that her presence would be enough, which is true, although...there is something I want but I am not sure if I can ask that of her. I have to think about that more.

The movie was a lot of fun too. Chloe insisted on Pirates of the Caribbean, which I really wasn't too excited about. But the movie totally surprised me! A really good story, and so hilarious. Oh and romantic too! Will and Elizabeth were so cute together (I couldn't help but hold Chloe's hand during the romantic scenes). Although I don't get why Chloe laughed during certain scenes that really weren't funny (like at the end, when Jack says good-bye to Will and Elizabeth--what's funny about that?). I asked Chloe later and she said something about, hmm, I think she called it "slash" (?). I'm not sure I got all of what she was saying but it is related to the image she has on her desktop (the two guys from that TV show, remember?).

She was really hyper while she was explaining about all that stuff, so her cheeks glowed and her eyes sparkled. I thought that if I don't get to kiss her now, I might die. I'm usually not very spontaneous but well, I asked her to stop the car (we were only a block from my house anyway, and I could hardly kiss her in our driveway). I don't know what it was last night but that kiss was really intense. This is a bit embarassing but there were all these thoughts in my mind about what else we could be doing (and I really can't tell you what exactly because I'm blushing just thinking about them). I had a hard time letting go of her last night.

Now for something more serious: I'm waiting for my BF to call. He said at school he'd let me know how he decided tonight. He seemed better when I talked to him this morning, and I really hope that everything will be somewhat okay between us.

10:56 pm

Current Mood: hopeful

Outcome

I just got off the phone with my....hmmm, I think calling him my boyfriend isn't really appropriate anymore. We are officially on break now.

I am once more amazed by how generous and kind he is, and am not sure if I could be if this situation involved him, and not me. He was much calmer today than on Friday, and it seems as if he did a lot of thinking over the weekend. He told me that I am the most important person in his life, and that he cannot stand to lose me. And if this was what made me happy right now, he wouldn't want to stand in the way. I was completely speechless for about a minute.

He actually asked me a few things about Chloe afterwards. What I like about her, and why I want to be with her. It wasn't like he was jealous, or wanted to find out what went "wrong" between him and me--he just wanted to know. Weirdly enough, I didn't feel uncomfortable telling him about Chloe. It was kind of nice.

We agreed that for the larger public we will still appear as a couple. That makes things easier for both of us. It shouldn't be too hard since he isn't big on public affection. He also promised me not to tell anyone about Chloe and me, and I know he will keep this secret.

Now I only have to tell Chloe. I hope she'll be fine with that arrangement. God, she has to be. Everything would be so good if she's ok with it. Maybe I can catch her at The Torch office sometime tomorrow since it's too late to call now.

Good night!

Oct 14

freak4ever

11:02a

Current Mood: flirty

Just taking a second

Okay since I posted it as a private post originally I can give a non R rated version here.

I did the deliveries yesterday and, when we were playing pool, I kind of fell all over AJL. We made out against the pool table. He's so hot and amazing. I had such a great time with him. He told me we could do things like make out, fully clothed in case you were wondering, but that he would give me time to work through how I feel about him.

I know how I feel. That isn't really what I need to think through. It's other things. Like how to deal with all of this. I know we'd have to hide it from everybody since I'm so young, and, plus, we're both guys. I checked out the laws. He'd be in so much trouble if we did things beyond kissing.

I can also tell you that he has the smoothest skin ever. And he's got no hair. I mean NO hair anywhere. (except eyelashes and eyebrows)

That is totally hot. :)

Later.

11:12p

Current Mood: confused

confusion

I am so confused. Today I helped LL with homework, and while I was over WF showed up. They talked about a try out at Kansas state. They kissed.

I thought LL was supposed to be dating CS? I don't get it. Why was she kissing WF?

I'm going over to see AJL soon. I called and he wasn't home yet. It wasn't really that exciting a day. School was boring. PR talked about Jodie non-stop, which is totally cool. It's so nice to see him happy. I'm really happy for him.

I'm off now. later.

tabloidboy

10:48a

This is a friends only post. Only friends can comment.

I don’t remember ever being this happy. I feel so young, and for once that feels good. Not like being young means being powerless and vulnerable and that I need to be fighting with my father and building up walls and concentrating on how to protect myself. Instead I can just sit here at my desk and daydream about making out with my angel.

Which is what we did, yesterday. Made out like teenagers. Something I have never, ever done. And he is just the most intoxicating mix of young innocent sweetness and commanding sexual presence…he’s a fast learner and somehow in the last few days he’s learned how to kiss. I hope he hasn’t been practicing on someone else…

No, no, don’t worry. I’m kidding, of course. For some reason he seems really to want me, and I’m not so blind that I can’t see that. Again, I’ll stress that I am not unaware of my own appeal…it just seems so incongruous, he’s so wholesome and beautiful…I’m so…the opposite. Lovers (if you can call them that) have seen me as exotic – as a fetish, sort of. But my angel…he just calls me hot – like I’m fucking Britney Spears or something—maybe I should try on a school girl outfit for him... Sorry, it just seems so amusing and wonderful that I would be the focus of his teenage lust. He did start to call me beautiful, and then stopped himself – I think he thought I’d be offended. God he’s so sweet. I’m so fucking in love.

And I know I should be worrying, I should be thinking, planning. This is serious. There are so many possible problems, likely threats... If my father found out, if his parents found out… Not to mention that I’m sure I’m not really the best thing for him, but I’m just not noble enough to point that out to him. And I respect him enough to accept that if he says he wants me, then he really wants me. He must see something…I have enough faith to believe that this is a good thing, this is meant to be.

But I do need to be careful. Though I want-–just for a little while--to enjoy this without worrying, without making a game plan. But I do need to figure out how to protect this from the world. Because I will. I will protect this, us, and especially him, from everything.

grlf_reporting

12:24 pm

Current Mood: nervous

Negotiations for peace in works

[Friends-only post]

I'm just about finished with my lunch, and LL just left.

She came here because she had to tell me about how her talk with her bf (?) about whether or not they would be breaking up or just taking a break while she and I explore our feeling for one another and test the waters of this relationship. (In my eyes, there's little doubt that there is a lot of potential... God, I'm in way over my head here and I don't even care!)

She said it went really well, much better than she (or I) expected. He apparently did a lot of thinking about it this weekend, and according to her, he seems to have really opened his mind. He said he wants her to be happy, and this struck me as a little weird, but he asked her about me, things like why she likes me and other stuff regarding me personally (he doesn't know anything about me at all, so I guess he's curious) and our attraction. She said he wasn't malicious or anything, just... interested, and eager to stay close to her even if it is just as a friend.

He did say he wanted to treat it as a break, rather than a break-up, which... I can deal with, so I really shouldn't expect anything less. I understand where he's coming from, and he's actually kinda doing us a favor by keeping up the appearances that the two of them are still together. This way things don't look suspicious...

Speaking of talking to people, I really need to sit down and talk with CK. I didn't want to last week because my nerves were a wreck! LL still had to make her decision, but now that she's chosen, I really should tell him that it's unofficially official. I need to tell him that LL and I are dating, and I need to have the talk he obviously wanted to have with me last week. Otherwise, my friendship with him could suffer, and I don't want that!

This is Girl F off to class.

anotherlife

11:42 pm

Current Mood: cheerful

For Real

I talked to Chloe during lunch break and she said it was fine with her that my...um, maybe I should just use his name since he’s not really my BF right now. Anyway, she agreed that it would be good if Whitney (that’s his name, and yes, it is usually a girl’s name, and isn’t that kind of prophetic...) and I still pretended to be a couple. I was a bit paranoid right before I talked to her. What if she had said no? Not that I would have broken it off with Chloe but it would have made things all difficult again. And I’ve had it with difficult and complicated. I just want to be able to let myself go, and not have to worry about anything. But she said it was ok, so no more worrying.

Of course this also means that nothing stands between Chloe and me now. I have to confess that I still haven’t gotten quite used to that. Chloe and I.
And one more time just to make sure I’m not dreaming: Chloe and I.

Wow.

Sorry. I’m just still completely amazed.

In other news, the party preparations have kicked into high gear since my birthday is on Friday. My aunt is working like a madwoman on the party, which is good because then she’ll pay less attention to what I’m doing, which means that I can hopefully sneak over to Chloe’s tomorrow evening :).

Today, though, her planning and running around was really annoying since my neighbor and I were trying to study for this really important math test in the kitchen. Even with her constant interruptions, my neighbor managed to explain what exactly we have been doing in class lately (admittedly, me thinking about Chloe in class all last week contributed to me not understanding anything). When we were just about to say goodbye, Whitney stopped by. He got a try-out for a football scholarship for Kansas State!! I am so happy for him. I even kissed him, which probably confused my neighbor but oh, whatever. Whitney considered not going to the try-outs because they are on my birthday (he is too good to be true sometimes). Of course he has to go!! It’s his big chance! I really hope he gets the scholarship-–he’s been working really hard for it. Not that he needs it to get into the school (he’d get in anyway) but the money would really help his parents pay for school.

Hmm, seems everyone around me is happy for a change–-my aunt, Chloe, Whitney, my neighbor. Speaking of which...on Monday morning, my neighbor was doing chores near my bedroom window and he was whistling some sappy song to himself so loudly (and so off tune) that I woke up. And he has this goofy grin on his face when he spaces out in class. I wonder what’s behind that. Stereotypically speaking, I’d say he’s in love. But I’d rather not jump to conclusions. For the moment, I’m just glad that he’s happy. That we are all happy.

ordinary_guy

10:02 pm

Current Mood: cheerful

Amazing.......

(friends only post)

I kissed Jody.

I mean, like full on, knock me over with a feather, properly kissed like I've never kissed a girl before kissed Jody!!!

I can't believe it. It just happened. I went to her house last night after CK hassling me to go see her all day cause all I'd been doing was talking about her to him. We chilled for a while, went into town, and then I took her to the clearing in the woods. She sat next to me, and we just stayed in the quiet, enjoying each others company. She leant against my shoulder, and I put my arm round her.

My heart beat so fast I don't even remember thinking about whether to kiss her or not, she just looked up at me and smiled, and I took a chance. And it was worth it - so worth it.

My heart's still racing from just remembering how it felt. Her lips are so soft, and she's just so sweet and warm.

She tastes like peaches.

She's so beautiful.

When we stopped kissing and she just looked at me and smiled. I swear I was wearing the goofiest grin I've ever had, but I don't care. It was all amazing. She said she'd better get home, cause it was late and getting dark, so I took her hand and walked her back. I watched her as she got to her front door, and blew me a kiss goodnight.

She wasn't at school today, but she called me and told me she'll be back in tomorrow. I can't wait to see her again.

My Jody.

I've never felt like this before - ever. Just the sound of her voice, or even the memory of it makes me go weak in the knees and makes me feel great.

I think I'm in love....

Oct 15

freak4ever

5:21p

Current Mood: flirty

Almost sex

(comment atsv_journals)

Last night was the best night. I went over to see Lex. He was in bed already since it was almost 11:30 pm. I kind of invited myself in. He didn't stop me so I took off my shoes and socks, and climbed into the bed with him. He wasn't wearing a shirt. In fact the only thing he had on was these gorgeous emerald green silk pajama bottoms. I pulled them down, and got to see for myself just how hairless he is down there.

I stroked his cock until he came all over his stomach. It was so sexy, and the biggest turn-on. Then as he watched, I licked his come off my fingers. I think I totally shocked him. I was pleased that he let me do it to him. He looked so hot. God, I was so happy. I started to fall asleep. Total cliche, I know, but I was just so content.

I want to make him happy. I'm just afraid I won't live up to any of his other lovers. I was on line with Casey before going over to see Lex, and I think it really loosened me up. We had cyber sex. I was pretty surprised, but I couldn't help it. She was so hot and sexy. I asked her to pin me down. I really like the idea of somebody overpowering me. But at the same time I love the idea of overpowering Lex. He's always so in control, I'd love to pin him down, and do things to him. I'm going to have to do some more research to figure out what two guys do in bed together. So far I've mostly just done some basic internet searches on how to handle your first time. I'm going to try to find something on line about gay first times.

I want to go over there right now, but I have a lot of harvesting to do.

5:24p

Current Mood: happy

Lay me down

I went over to see AJL last night just for an hour. He was up having a nightcap so we sat, and talked a bit about how we're going to take it slow. We kissed, and it was so nice. I really like kissing him. That was all we did though. :)

I have so much work to do that I don't really have the time to write here right now. Soon though I'll tell more.

tabloidboy

5:12p

the road to hell

This is a friends only post. Only friends can comment.

He slipped into my bed last night. Yes, you heard me. At 11.30, there he was, taking off his boots, uninvited but of course always invited, spreading himself out on my bed.

How was I supposed to resist that? I tried to. I reminded him that he wanted to keep things slow. But apparently he is indeed a teenage boy with all the hormones involved in that stage of adolescence, and when he kept touching me, it was hard to remind myself to make him stop. He asked for permission to touch me. Who am I to deny him? And then he asked for permission to see me, and with his hand pressed against my cock through the thin silk of my pajama bottoms, the word no had left my vocabulary. Most words deserted me in fact, as I felt his hot, huge hand on me. I’m sure I should have stopped it for so many reasons but I didn’t. I let him stroke me…first he was tentative, then harder until I was just trembling at his touch, all control gone. And fuck it felt good to let go like that and know it was him there, that this wasn’t a fantasy, that this wasn’t bought and paid for, that it was really my angel there, touching me, wringing everything out of me. That I could be out of control and safe at the same time.

I’ve been thinking more and more about the meteor shower. About how it took me over that day, changed my body. I’ve recently received conclusive proof of that change (as if I didn’t have enough already, echoed in everyone’s eyes when they look at me). My doctor informed me that I have an elevated white blood count. This doesn’t frighten me, not really – it’s just one more mystery of my body, balancing out the fact that I don’t get sick. But it’s still an unknown and you know how I feel about that….

So can you blame me if I want to let go with my angel? He’s so real and there and he seems to want me so much. And watching him discover his sexuality is…a turn on like nothing else. He tells me he’s been visiting websites – sites about sex. He said he wanted to see what I like. I’ve never had an attentive lover before, not like this…Even though everything we’ve done has still all been so innocent. He’s trying to be mature and I told him he doesn’t need to, that I want him to be him most of all. I think he understood…

But fuck, when he told me to open my eyes, and he was tasting me, looking at me through those eyelashes—has there ever been a more beautiful signpost to hell?

anotherlife

09:26 pm

Current Mood: anticipatory

Insanity

My aunt is driving me up the wall with this party. I spent the entire afternoon going over the five-course buffet she has planned for Friday. I wish I didn’t have to go but I guess there is no way out of it since it is a party for my birthday.

The only break I got from the planning was when I dropped of the produce order with my neighbor’s mom (they grow organic fruits and vegetables on their farm). My neighbor dropped in and I had a short talk with him. He totally sympathized with me going crazy over this. Then he made some quip about how Whitney won’t even be there to back me up, and after a moment’s hesitation, he offered to go as my escort. I think I stared at him for a minute. I wanted to ask him if he didn’t remember that I was with Chloe now but I couldn’t since his mom was standing right there. I think he noticed that something was wrong because he cracked a joke about fending off adoring fans at the party. Since I didn’t know what else to say, and because I feel I disappointed him a lot recently, I accepted his offer. But I made him promise that this time he would go through with it (not like that time we wanted to go to the concert and he left all of a sudden). I’m not sure if he’s going to keep his promise though.

I was almost back at my house when he came running after me and explained why he had made the offer of escorting me to my party. He said he wanted to keep up appearances with his mom. I thought that was really sweet of him; Chloe must have told him that Whitney and I are still pretending to be a couple. I’m so glad my neighbor is really okay with me and Chloe being together now. That tension between the three of last week was awful.

And now I’m off to Chloe’s :)

ordinary_guy

10:10 pm

Current Mood: crazy

Its a date

I am such a jerk! I got a date with Jody and when she asked me out, I was so dumb founded CK had to say yes for me, cause I couldn't talk.

I thought she was beautiful before, but all I can say is holy shit. She must've been really going for it with whatever diet she's on, cause she's lost loads of weight.

Don't get me wrong. I like her either way. But damn, she's so hot! She's such a babe!

L's birthday party is gonna be great. Not only is it driving everyone mad trying to organise it in time for Friday, but I have a date!

*g*

Seriously though, it should be really cool.

I'm gonna call Clo and ask her what present she's getting for L. And what she thinks I should get for her. Oh, and what I should wear on my date!

*laughs*

Later

Oct 16

freak4ever

1:19a

Current Mood: giddy

hmmmmmm AJL!

I'm escorting LL to her birthday party. She stopped by to drop off an order, and since she told me WF wouldn't be there I kind of blurted out that I would take her. My mom was standing right there. I figure if she sees me ask LL out, there is no way she will think I am into AJL. Plus I figure LL isn't ready for the town to know about her and CS.

LL said yes, so I guess she doesn't totally hate the idea. I promised I would make it this time, since I have such a lousy track record with her. I ran after LL after she left our place to let her know why I did it. She seemed cool with that.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AJL stopped by a while ago. He just wanted to say he was sorry he missed me earlier in the day when I dropped off his produce. He left me a note. I have it in my back pocket.

I told him about LL. He was pretty mad. When I explained why I was going with her, he seemed fine with that. I also told him about something else. Sorry edgecity but all our talks will have to be friendly from now on. Like I said, I can't do that to AJL.

I guess this means I'm dating him now. I mean he pretty much asked me to be only with him didn't he? It seems like it. When he kissed me the first thing he said afterwards was that I couldn't get that on line. He's right. Plus, his kisses are so awesome. It was kind of a possessive kiss too. Total turn on.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would use more exclamation points but that would be a very boring post.

My mom interrupted us while we were up in my loft. She didn't see anything. She just yelled up to us from below. I knew she would come out because AJL was there. She always does that. My parents have this thing, when ever I'm alone with somebody up here, my mom comes out first. If we don't leave in five minutes then my dad comes out. Parents are so devious. I was glad she didn't come up. It would have been hard to explain me kissing AJL like that.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nite!

8:23p

Current Mood: angry

Why?!?

(private post comment at sv_journals)

I am the reason Lex is bald! God, why does this keep happening to me? Today when he came by the torch office he confided in me about how he lost his hair. I have been waiting for so long to know what the story behind his most distinct feature is. To find out that I am to blame: god it hurts. He claimed it was fine since he thinks if it hadn't happened he wouldn't be who he is today. What can I say to that? I hate those meteors so much. If only I hadn't fallen here. If only people didn't keep getting hurt by it.

9:52p

Current Mood: chipper

My life is one big Teen drama

(only friends can comment)

So I have this talk to CS about LL, and why I asked LL to her party. She seemed cool with it. We were on our way to animal control to investigate a dead deer that she thinks Jody hit. Yes PR's Jody. It was totally gross. Sometimes I think CS has the most lame theories and sometimes I think she's just brilliant.

I'm worried about her finding out about me and AJL. I don't want anybody to know. He's older than me, and if anybody knew, it might get him in trouble. I would never do that to him. I need to think on this. I know we need to be very discrete.

AJL stopped by the school today. At first I thought he was just there to see me. :) But he was there to meet Chloe. I wonder if he was checking up on me? He even commented on me escorting LL to her party. I reminded him that LL and I are just friends. I think he was putting on a show for CS's sake. She totally gave me this ice look after he left. I explained to her that AJL understands I am only LL's friend. I don't think she bought it.

Anyway, I did talk to LL briefly in the hopes that she would give me an idea of what she wants for her birthday. She told me about her best birthday ever.

Tonight when I was over delivering the produce for the party AJL and I talked. He was the one who came up with the idea of what I should do for LL on her birthday. I was amazed that he even helped me out considering. Of course right after he told me what I should get LL he pinned me to the sofa, and kiss me until my lips ached. Just telling about it here makes me hard. :)

10:06p

Current Mood: crushed

I hate my life

(private post comment at sv_journals)

I'm not human and she doesn't know it. I know she doesn't know it, but to have her say 'it's what makes you human.' God Nothing makes me human. Nothing ever will. I look like them, I act like them but is that because I was raised by them?

I shouldn't have just bailed on Casey like that, but when I saw what she'd typed ... it hurt so much.

I wish Lex was here.

tabloidboy

9:07a

Suprise

This is a friends only post. Only friends can comment.

I did not sleep well last night.

Normally I can take or leave my lovers. But then normally the word love doesn’t enter the equation. In the case of my angel, I seem to react strongly and speak my mind, without thinking. Perhaps not the best idea.

My angel told me some things last night that…caught me off guard, to say the least. Awakened my possessive nature. And I am a very possessive person. I’m not used to sharing. I don’t share well.

But at the same time, I know my angel is just trying to be a good friend. In a situation that is undoubtedly difficult for him.

And I know I can’t expect my angel to be mine and mine only. It’s part of who he is. He is everybody’s angel.

I’m hosting a party for his crush. Her aunt is…a friend of the family, a friend of my father’s. Upwardly mobile. She requested use of the castle to throw her niece a birthday party. And my angel informed me last night that he is accompanying his crush, as her escort, to the party. Yes, I know, the irony has not escaped me – not long ago I was doing my best to get them together. But now things have changed and I can’t say I was happy with this development when I first heard about it. Not after everything that has happened between myself and my angel. Not now that I’ve let him in, touched his skin, his lips, let him touch me… He’s mine now.

But the irony runs much deeper. Apparently, according to my angel, he is taking her only as a smoke screen. But not for us. Turns out my angel’s crush has a girlfriend. Who is another good friend of my angel’s. Sound like a soap opera to you yet?

I could see that my angel was upset last night and the situation with his crush and his friend seems to have been at the heart of the matter. He still has feelings for his crush. Why would I expect him not to? Still, it’s not something I wanted to hear. I didn’t want to see the emotion in his eyes because of her. But it was there.

I accused him of coming after me only because he found out his crush is fully unavailable… The parallels just seem too obvious. An ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ type of scenario. He didn’t seem to understand what I was suggesting, but instead chose that moment to inform me of yet another development. I think I will quote him directly.

“I guess now is not the best time to tell you I had sex.”

Sounds rather like he was trying to get a rise out of me, doesn’t it? It worked. Turns out it was only cybersex…but I’m using the word ‘only’ rather loosely—the revelation that my angel, my innocent, sweet angel, is engaging in cybersex is no small matter.

He wouldn’t give me any more details, though I pressed. He indicated that he felt it was safe…that he was worried about hurting me, physically, that is… I assured him that I could take it, that I wouldn’t break. I proceeded to show him that I could take and give – kissing only, of course, as we were at his parents’ house, but I can do enough with a kiss. Because fuck if I’m going to have my angel fucking cyberspace rather than me.

grlf_reporting

12:13 pm

Current Mood: content

Romance running strong in Girl F's veins

[Friends-only post]

Last night was definitely the most romantic night of my life!

LL came over, and I was pretty free (I had Angel taping) so I had a major romantic impulse! I'd been craving her company in a more intimate setting for a while, so I thought we could do something really lame like look at the stars. The thought struck me as perfect, so I asked her how often she actually looked at the stars. I told her about how growing up in the city and living there most of my life, I never really saw them, at least not like you can see them here! We went outside to do a little stargazing. I ran back inside and grabbed a blanket so we could lay down on the grass in front of my house. (I was so swept up in the moment!)

We were laying there close to one another, staring up at the night sky for an hour or two. I kept stealing glances over at her. A couple times she caught me, but I don't know if she noticed that I was doing it a lot. I tried to find the constellation for her astrological sign, just as a lark, but it's been so long since I studied that stuff, and I couldn't even remember if it was visible to our hemisphere or not! I was probably a little flustered by getting LL all to myself with such a perfectly romantic atmosphere. We did a little talking, but it was all quiet and whispery. I don't think I've ever felt so at peace. At one point, a glance turned into a stare, and she started staring at me back. I said, "You're beautiful." I couldn't help myself! The words just came right out of my mouth! She seemed really shocked by me just saying it like that. (I love shocking her, because she blushes and gets this adorably shy way about her.) She looked a little lost for words, then she said I was "amazing", really hushed and sweetly. I... didn't have anything to say to that! I just held her hand tighter and basked in the moment.

The moment ended shortly after that when we heard my Dad coming. We scrambled to separate, because we were... a little entangled at the time. *blushes* He just came out to see if we were okay. I hadn't even noticed it had gotten so chilly out until he mentioned it. He said he was going to bed, and I figured I should probably get LL home so we could get some sleep ourselves.

That was our wonderful little evening together! I think I had a better time than I even did on our first date this past Sunday! :)

Meanwhile, going on elsewhere in my life, Pete asked me what he should get LL for her birthday... I don't even know what I'm getting her! I want it to be special, and I just don't have a clue how to do something or get anything that would show her how I feel!

I'll have to think more about this, and get back to Pete...

This is Girl F. You know the deal ;)

11:47 pm

Current Mood: anxious

Dear Clueless Pete in Weirdsville

Pete, I have thought about this, and I have a couple things to say to you:

First, anything off the New York Times Bestseller List that seems like something LL might like would be a good gift, or you can always get her a book on equestrian studies because you know how she loves horses! I'm suggesting a book because that's what her bf got her and she loved it, apparently, so, there you go.

Second, treat this girl like gold! Your date to Lana's party? I highly suggest going all out! Get dressed up, bring a corsage, and don't forget to compliment her on how she looks! She is looking surprisingly amazing lately, so that's an important detail! Trust me, it will earn you major points!

Third, to Pete and everyone else out there, sorry I haven't been around too much lately. I've gotten extra busy with the paper, and I also have an announcement to make that some of you may or may not know, which is part of the reason I've been more absent than not lately. (I know you don't know yet, Pete, but I'm about to tell you.) I'm seeing someone! Romantically! I'm not telling who it is though, because we just started dating, and you'll just have to live in suspense until I feel like telling you :)

CK is "escorting" LL to her birthday party! *raises eyebrows* I just hope he doesn't disappoint her again like he did with that concert a few weeks ago!

anotherlife

09:57 pm

Current Mood: calm

Wish Upon A Star

Throughout the day my thoughts have been wandering off, back to last night.

Chloe took me star-gazing. She was really shy about it in a very adorable way, as if she wasn’t certain that I’d enjoy it. I hadn’t taken the time to look at the stars in a very long time, and I think Chloe never really spent much time watching the stars when she was younger (she grew up in Metropolis). Being outside with her, huddled under a blanket, with a clear night sky above, was wonderful. We didn’t talk a lot, or at least, not with words. But our hands spoke to each other. As did her heartbeat when I lay down next to her--slow, steady, reassuring. I wish I could have fallen asleep like that, with her warmth enveloping me.

That’s what I want to ask her for my birthday: to fall asleep with me. I want her to stay over on Friday but I am not sure if she’s ready for that. I don’t want anything to happen between us (believe me, I am so not ready for that either). It would just be the most amazing gift for her to be the last thing I see when I got to sleep and the first thing when I wake up. But I don’t want to scare her off or make her feel uncomfortable. Maybe I should just wait.

Speaking of birthday gifts, Whitney stopped by and gave me his present (he’s leaving for Kansas State really early tomorrow morning). It is a first edition copy of A Confederacy of Dunces. Such an amazing and thoughtful gift!! I don’t even remember mentioning to him that I liked the novel. I probably said it in a half-finished sentence four months ago, and yet, he remembered. That’s Whitney for you. It’s times like these that he completely captivates me.

Oct 17

freak4ever

3:26p

Current Mood: busy

New icon

After using that icon of the stars since I started my LJ I finally got some new ones, and they are so nice. I'll use them over the next few days so you can see them. This is one of them. I really like it. It was given to me by amandajane5. Thanks Amanda. It's the coolest.

My new default icon was given to me by rosesfade Thanks. It really reflects how I've been feeling lately.

Well, the party is tonight. I have everything set up for her gift. I hope she likes it. I am excited about this. I really want to keep my promise to be there for her. She just seems too anti-birthday. I would give anything to be able to have a real birthday. I don't know when I was born. Since my parents found me abandoned. I wonder when AJL has his birthday? I should be able to find out easily enough. Later.

9:47p

Current Mood: morose

Not again

(private post comment at sv_journals)

Well another human is hurt due to the meteor rocks. I am so sick of this. These people never asked for this, and yet Jody is now in a hospital because of what the rocks did to her. I feel so sorry for her, but most of all I feel bad for my best friend Pete. He was falling in love with her. I could tell by the way he talked about her, and by the way he stared at her.

When is this going to end? My dad and mom can say it all they want. I feel like I have to help these people since the meteors came here because of me. When my dad tells me I shouldn't feel responsible, how can I not? If I had never come here, this never would have happened.

9:51p

Current Mood: drained

And again

I let her down again. I couldn't allow my best friend to be killed so I went to save him right when I was supposed to be going to the party to be by LL's side. It doesn't really bother me that much since I saved PR's life.

Poor Jody. It turns out she has this horrible illness. PR is devastated. We took her to the hospital, and I stayed with him while they admitted her. He looked so upset I just couldn't leave him there alone. I am so saddened by what happened. She only wanted to be thin because she thought it would make people like her more. The stupid thing is, PR liked her just the way she was. She's such a sweet girl. I know she didn't want to be different. Nobody ever does.

After I left him there with her, I went home. I tried to salvage my broken promise by going over to LL's house. As I said before, AJL helped me with her gift. It was a fake drive-in movie thing with cartoons just like what she had told me about.

I'm going to return the projector tomorrow when I go over for our date. I really need to be with him, and explain why I wasn't there for her. I'm just so afraid he'll think that I'll make it a habit, and one day not be there for him. I would do anything to make sure that never happens. I just hate that I broke yet another promise to LL.

tabloidboy

11:49a

"this town is crazy, and nobody cares"

I met my angel’s crush’s secret girlfriend yesterday. It might be best if I found another way to refer to her, as that’s a slightly unwieldy title. Perhaps using initials is most elegant. So we’ll call my angel’s crush L and her secret girlfriend C. For clarity’s sake.

C has a theory that everything strange in this town is rooted to a certain meteorological event, the same event that altered my life so fundamentally when I was young. I don’t talk about it that much, to anybody. In fact, I believe I’ve only alluded to it here, and though it may frustrate your curiosity, I’m afraid I will have to keep my discussion at the level of allusion.

I told my angel about it, though. Yesterday. For the first time. I didn’t really like telling him – I wanted to tell him and didn’t at the same time. Of course, he was sympathetic and thoughtful and all of the things I’d want him to be. Still, putting it into words—it’s just not something I do often. And saying why it matters, what it means to me…well, my angel is the only person I’d tell, and even with him I could not go too far.

And yet my mind keeps coming back to it because of the recent revelation involving my medical condition, which I believe I mentioned earlier. I’m awaiting the results of some tests, and while it’s likely that they will be fine, as I never get sick, there is a possibility that they won’t be, that I will have a new set of problems to face.

I don’t like the idea of my body betraying me, again. I use it, I control it, now. It shouldn’t control me.

6:56p

I just had a fairly long conversation with my angel's crush, L. We talked about my angel, his crush on her, and her new girlfriend C. Of course she was not aware that I knew of her situation, and I didn't want to betray my angel by indicating as much. But I did want to let her know that she could speak with me. Not that I had any intentions of comingout to her, of course. But after my angel told me about L and C, I thought more seriously about what it must be like to come to terms with your sexual orientation in a small town like this. While I might not have had it easy as a freak in a boys school growing up, still I never felt trapped by anything but my family, my name, and my money. Which I suppose is enough. But not the same as growing up in a small Kansas town like this one.

And, for some reason, though I've admitted of course that my angel must be scared and confused (or at least must have been--past tense--as his dominant emotional state right now would appear to be horny) I was/am too close to the situation and to invested in him to see him that way. He's such a strong presence to me, so sure of himself. I may tend to forget how human he is, and how young.

L spoke to me vaguely about what she was going through. Perhaps she will confide more with time. And she talked about her friendship with my angel. Somehow, that conversation with her reigned in my jealousy. Well,at least involving her. The cybersex is another matter. I am clearly going to have to show him that he needn't go online for his sexual education.

But there will be time for that.

grlf_reporting

12:52 pm

Current Mood: curious

Weird hits the fan, Girl F survives algebra test unscathed

[Friends-only post]

I guess all that group study with Jody paid off because I finished the algebra test extra early, and I think I aced it! The teacher let me leave after I handed it in, so here I am.

I'm actually in the office waiting to hear back from a source, because there's this case I've been investigating, and my instincts are telling me I'm really close to cracking it!

CK's helping me with this, as always. Though he's dividing his time between playing junior sleuth with me and a certain Mr. X it seems. I just know something's going on there, but when we talked yesterday, he didn't mention anything. Yes, CK and I had "the talk" about me and LL. I told him that we were officially dating. He was adamant that he is escorting LL to her party to "keep up appearances". It's a cover... for who, I'm not sure, though. Anyway, he seemed okay with it. I mean, genuinely okay. Like he was really starting to accept that LL and I are currently a couple. I'm really glad, because I was so worried this would cause a rift in our friendship, but he reassured me that it wouldn't come between us.

Then, last night, LL called me. She intrigued me when she said she knew what I could get her for her birthday. She wants me to sleep over tonight! (Not stay over, as in sex or anything like that, but we did a little talking about that because she thought I misunderstood... which I didn't, but it was fun to tease her about it and hear her fumble with words! She's so shy about the physical stuff, and the whole relationship with a girl idea. I don't know how I got so liberated, but it really doesn't seem so weird to me, and that's the weirdest thing! LOL!) So, of course, I said I would love to! She said she wanted to fall asleep with me, and I thought that was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard! I can't wait for tonight! I'm not expecting anything, but there's definite make-out potential written all over this evening... Then again, maybe not, because I'm sleeping over her house. If it were the other way around, things might be different, but her aunt will be there, so it might be hard to even talk in any intimate or private way or anything.

*grin* On the phone, I kinda hinted that I've thought about what it would be like to...

*jumps* S**t! I've got a fax coming in! I'd better motor, because this is probably what I've been waiting for!

This is Girl F on the job as usual!

anotherlife

07:05 pm

Current Mood: rushed

Sweet Dreams

It’s an hour until the party and I really should be getting ready by now but some things have happened that I have to tell you about right now, especially since I probably won’t get the chance to post until tomorrow evening because:

Chloe is staying over tonight!!!

I asked her. I just called her up and (after talking about something else for 20min) asked her flat out. And she said yes! I am so happy :). Actually, she sounded so excited that I got worried she might have misunderstood what exactly I asked her for . I was afraid that she thought I had implied for us to sleep together. I think she realized what I was worried about so she teased me by saying something like, “what, you don’t wanna sleep with me?”. I was so thrown by that question that I just blurted out that I did but I hadn’t been talking about that. Well, she was rather amused, as you can imagine. I was so embarrassed. But we did actually talk about the whole thing a bit more seriously afterwards since it was out in the open now. We agreed that we do want to sleep together but that we’re both not ready yet. I mean I don’t even exactly know how to go about that...and Chloe said something very cute (and very enticing) in response to that, reassuring me we’d figure it out. That makes me a little curious about what will happen tonight, what kinds of stuff we’ll figure out :).

I also had a rather lengthy conversation with the millionaire today. He stopped by while I was helping with the party set-up. Well, he stopped by twice actually but the first time we didn’t really talk. The second time we sort of started talking about the insanity of the party, and then we somehow got to the subject of my neighbor, and him taking me to my party.

The millionaire said that my neighbor was very happy about accompanying me and so on, and for some reason, I said something like that there was more to the issue. I think that attracted his curiosity because he started asking me all these questions, and said that my neighbor had said something about there being other reasons why he’s taking me but that he had kept it very vague, and then he had this was of looking at me....well, the long and the short of it is that I sort of told him about me and Chloe (which I feel so so bad about now, and I hope Chloe can forgive me).

I didn’t mention her name, just that I’m involved with another girl. As soon as he heard he got very understanding, and promised not to tell anyone since he could certainly imagine that this wasn’t something to reveal in a small town. He was really nice about it, and I do believe him. Since he already got so much information out of me, I thought it was only fair for me to know a few things as well so I asked him if he could relate to this particular issue. He said he could, which doesn’t surprise me (I’m sure he’s had all kinds of experiences in his life). He even offered to listen if I ever wanted to talk (now that was a surprise, and who knows, I might take him up on that). Given all this new insight he said he wasn’t surprised that my neighbor was a bit disappointed recently. I pointed out to him that my neighbor seemed to be doing better now, and in fact probably had a new crush. That’s when things got a bit strange because the millionaire seemed to (or maybe pretended?) not know anything about that, which is odd since he and my neighbor have gotten pretty close friends (or do guys not talk about that stuff??). And then he changed the topic. I am not quite sure what to make of that. Oh well, I don’t have time to think about that now! Gotta get ready.

Oct 18

tabloidboy

12:03a

I found out tonight that my tests came back negative. That is, yes I have a high white blood cell count, but it does not indicate any health problems.

You would think that this would make me less driven to know what it is those meteors did to my body, since the effects were only positive. But then, if that were the case, I'd be able to stop questioning how my angel saved me, since he did indeed save me. But I cannot put either question to rest. Although I will admit that, as for my angel, I'm much more interested in exploring him in other ways at the moment.

But my angel didn't show up this evening. And I think his crush - L, that is - was perhaps even more disappointed than I. I am beginning to recognize that they have a true friendship, and while I don't want my angel going elsewhere for the more intimate pleasures, I wouldn't begrudge him a friendship. I told her he would show - because I was sure that he would. Something must have kept him, but I can't imagine what.

I helped him put together a birthday gift for her, something she might enjoy more than this ridiculous party of her aunt's that I hosted. Perhaps he's giving it to her now. That ought to make me jealous. It does make me jealous, in all honesty.

But I have a glass of wine to keep me company, and the knowledge that he's staying the night tomorrow.

anotherlife

12:17 pm

 private post

just so I won't forget when this happened.

She made me come last night.

and definitely not for the last time.

04:38 pm

Current Mood: contemplative

Surprises

It’s funny how sometimes things happen right within your sight and yet you have no idea they are going on.

I told Chloe about my conversation with the millionaire last night, and I think she was upset for a little while because I told him about us. But when I mentioned how weird things got when we started about my neighbour's crush she became very excited all of a sudden. I could almost hear things click in her head. Apparently, she had been suspecting for a while now that there was something more to the friendship between the two of them. As in something more romantically. Yes, that’s right, that would be my neighbour and the millionaire. If the thing with Chloe and me hadn’t happened, I probably would have told her that she’s insane. But if they have something going on, that explains a lot about his behaviour these past weeks. Like him going over there late at night and staying for what now seems to be the entire night (Chloe saw how the millionaire dropped him off for school one day). Or him looking all dreamy in class.

If there is indeed something going on between them, and it obviously seems to make him happy, then that’s very cool. I’m glad he found someone. Although I wouldn’t have thought that he might be attracted to another guy but then again, look at Chloe and me. But it does hurt that he didn’t tell either Chloe or me about it, especially with Chloe going to him and telling about us, explaining the situation. If he is in exactly the same situation, why did he not tell her? She is one of his best friends, and he should know that he can trust her with anything. I can understand that he wouldn’t confide in me since we don’t know each other that well, but I felt so sorry for Chloe. She was so disappointed last night. Maybe my neighbour has his reasons for keeping it a secret. The millionaire being significantly older would certainly be one of them...with our laws here, there would be jail time if they got caught, that’s for sure. Maybe he also isn’t sure of his feelings...I don’t know. Still, he should know who he can trust.

Speaking of disappointments, my neighbour didn’t show up to the party last night. I was quite angry with him, and sad that he broke his promise yet again. But then Chloe explained to me that he was busy saving his best friend from just another meteor freak. This town is crazy. So he had a good reason not to be there, if his friend’s life was at stake. And my neighbour also made it up to me. He stopped by later, after the party (it was funny because Chloe and I were in the middle of a conversation about him and the millionaire), to give me my gift. He recreated the best birthday I had when I was little–my parents taking me to see cartoons at a drive-in theatre. That was so sweet of him and I couldn’t possibly be mad at him after that...

But the really special part of the night came afterwards, with Chloe. I’m so glad I asked her to stay. It was certainly a night to remember...*sigh*.