The Smallville Diaries - Oct 19 - Oct 25, 2003

Oct 19

grlf_reporting

12:49 am

Current Mood: exhausted

The good, by Girl F

[Friends-only post]

Now that I've burned the midnight oil working on the paper to make up for time spent otherwise the last two days, I can finally sit and reflect on just how much has happened in the last 36 hours.

First, I slept over LL's last night. We did a lot more than just sleep, though *suggestive grin*

Okay, LL...

The evening started off a little rocky (regarding other issues I'll go into in a few minutes), but after a brief intermission (co. CK), she returned to me in her room. This is where the most exciting part of the night happened! We started making out in a major way. It was really intense, and I got a little into it... Okay, so I got a lot into it, but I couldn't help myself!

She was so responsive to everything I did, to every move I made. She had her hand up the back of my shirt too, and that was just so nice! Her touch felt really good, and I when I touched her (nothing below the waist), she seemed to genuinely enjoy it without any reservations about what I was doing. I had my leg between hers and after some not-so-subtle coaxing, she got the hint and really got into it. She started grinding against me, and when she started moaning and whispering my name, I told her I wanted her to come... *blushes*

I wish I could say I have no idea where this vixen seductress part of me comes from, but I have an inkling ;) I feel like I've been romantically and sexually repressed my whole life, with these feelings all stored up inside me devoid of any outlet for them, and now it's like they have a chance to explore, to let my animal instincts and heartfelt passions see the light of day.

Anyway, shortly after I got those words out (I fumbled it, stalling twice before I was able to form the whole sentence), she did it, exactly what I told her I wanted. She came, and I was the reason... Something about that has me glowing rosy red on the inside, and it delights me as much as I have to snicker at myself. Me, Girl F, the secret teenage lesbian sexpot of Weirdsville, USA! LOL! I'm either losing my mind, falling for her, flooring it full-speed ahead into trouble, heading for a nervous breakdown, or all of the above.

We drifted off right after (how classic does that sound?!), and I can say that LL is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. She looks so peaceful and fragile when she's lying there, just nodding off. I fell asleep revelling in the thought that (not to sound all territorial or anything, but) she's mine, that she's with me.

Today, she took me to the stables. (She loves horses and horseback riding, and I wanted to go knowing she has such an interest in it.) I've never ridden a horse before, so it was a totally new experience. (I was on a pony once at a zoo in the city, but it lasted all of five minutes and I was about four at the time.) It was a little embarrassing at first, but I think I started to get the hang of it after a mere few hours of being completely awkward trying to ride. We had a lot of fun, though! LL certainly got a couple good laughs out of watching me engage in a war of the wills with my horse... Stubborn palomino... Liked him a lot, actually! Wouldn't have him any other way ;)

That pretty much sums up my past night and day with LL. That's way beyond the short of it, so this qualifies as the extended version. There are just so many thoughts and things I could say, but that would be the extra long, extra gratuitous info recounting, and I've already given too much detail as it is. Besides, there are some things that just can't be articulated in this universe. This is one of them.

*yawns* It's awfully late, and I should get to bed.

I'll post re: "other issues" (ie., CK) in the morning, because it's definitely time for me to turn in. It's been a really long, but good day, and I just don't want to spoil it by having to even think about anything else right now :)

This is Girl F with a special news update.

01:18 pm

Current Mood: morose

The bad and the ugly, by Girl F

[Friends-only post]

Before the emotional s**t hits the proverbial fan, I have to do a bit of an overdue GIP :)

Oh, before I close this, I keep meaning to thank rosesfade for my two new icons! Thanks! They're perfect! :)

Yeah, these both ring pretty true to a good portion of my life lately.

Now here comes the "other stuff" from the last two days. Despite all the fun and joy of my time with LL, this whole thing with CK is really bothering me.

Alright, CK...

All this time, I've been 100% forthcoming with him regarding me and LL. I've told him how I feel about her, and I've told him when our status has changed. I've kind of looked to him for support, but I think he doesn't quite realize why I do it or what exactly I mean... Maybe I'm being too subtle, because he gets that I want his approval, but he doesn't seem to notice that I need his comfort too... I'm really good at hiding any feelings of fear or insecurity, and this may mean that I've gotten too good at it, because he still doesn't seem to have caught a clue. I mean, I told him I was romantically involved with a girl, a member of the same sex! He doesn't seem to realize that any positive reassurance he could offer me would help, because there isn't anyone else I'd trust to tell, and no one else is going to be able to be objective or tell me I'm doing the right thing or stand by me like I hope he would... That's one disappointment.

Another is that LL told me about a talk she had with Mr. X (her birthday party was at his house, remember), and I'm almost certain that CK must have told him about me and LL. I don't even know where to begin what disturbs me about that. (I will gloss over the fact that the sanctity of my private life hinges on X's ability to keep a secret that was not entrusted to him in the first place, nor would it have been since my father works for him!... How could CK overlook that detail! I'm convinced that CK told him from what LL told me of her little chat with X, but I'm not too worried, because LL was pretty convinced X wouldn't say anything to anyone.)

I don't necessarily have a problem with X, but I didn't tell him, I told CK... Not that X might not have been able to figure out for himself. He, like me, has this innate sense, this instinct sensitive to what goes on around him, and he picks up clues and pieces things together, a lot like I do. That's how I came up with my theory (which I'm not no less than 90% sure is accurate) that CK and X are involved in some way or at least have feelings for each other that they are both dealing with.

I can feel it whenever I'm anywhere near them when they're together. I can see it whenever I look at them interacting because it shows in body language and this intangible behaviour that seems so intimate when one of them is around the other. I can hear it in CK's voice whenever I mention X since it fills with this undercurrent and he suddenly shuts down, like he does whenever it seems I get close to anything he probably considers a secret. I've witnessed it in X's car, in my office when I walked in to see them both standing there, and in CK's eyes and voice more than just a few times. I'm way beyond the point of suspicion here.

Knowing with my reporter's gut that there is definitely something between them, it opens a whole new can of worms. Why won't CK talk about it with me? I've been completely honest with him, and yet he won't open up to me about this. He just denies it and this wall goes up, and I'm left feeling completely stripped bare of all my defences and in the cold. If we're both in the same boat, why wouldn't we be able to find strength in each other? I think it should be obvious that he can trust me and count on me for anything, whether he just wants to talk or if he's really having a difficult time, which on occasion, it seems like he is. I don't understand it! I've racked my brain trying to come up with a reason for why he doesn't believe in me the way I believe in him...

I have to stop here... I just can't continue this...

This is Girl F with the flipside of the news.

anotherlife

10:37 pm

Current Mood: pensive

Thoughts

(this is a friends-locked post)

I can’t believe the weekend is over. Where did the time go? I’ve been meaning to post but I just didn’t get around to it. Yesterday, Chloe and I slept in pretty late and then spent the rest of day together so that I had to catch up on studying today.

As you know, Chloe spent the night on Friday. I have been thinking about what happened then the entire weekend because I am still completely mesmerized. We didn’t sleep together but it was very intimate. I had no idea you could feel this much. And we didn’t even take our clothes off! I wonder what’s gonna happen once we do. I just know we better be somewhere really alone because...well, we were already kind of loud on Friday. Or, rather, I was (blushing as I write this). But when she touched me, I just couldn’t hold back. It was too much. Whitney was always very hesitant and nervous, and he wouldn’t let me touch him. While I think Chloe was nervous too she certainly wasn’t hesitant :). At some point I let her take over and went with it. I wasn’t exactly thinking at that point, I was only reacting. It was good to let everything fall away and completely surrender to her, to her touch.

So since then my thoughts have been wandering...can you be shocked by your own thoughts? I am so glad no one can read my mind. I’ve been thinking about what’s underneath those clothes, for once. Chloe’s kinda curvy in a very nice way (me, I’m more like a stick). Her skin is really soft too...*sigh*. And her hands–they already did a miracle on Friday and I have been wondering what else they could do or where else they could go and that makes all twisted and tingly. I am so glad I am writing this because I could never say this out loud.

Anyway, on Saturday, I took Chloe riding. She wanted to see the stables since I am spending a lot time there. I love that she really cares about things I’m interested in. Sure, Whitney came to all my competitions but he was never really interested to learn more. Chloe was so curious about everything–-she wanted me to explain stuff, and asked what things are called and if she was saying/doing things the right way. Seeing her on a horse was the most adorable thing. She clearly was a bit sceptical about the horse, as was the horse about her. But she did a good job. I don’t think she’ll ever take riding up as her hobby but it’s the effort that counts.

I am still torn about my neighbour. I want to reach out to him in some way but without putting pressure on him. If he felt like he could talk to Chloe or me about whatever is happening with the millionaire, he would have done so. I just don’t want him to feel that he's all alone in this. Any suggestions?

Oct 20

freak4ever

12:12a

Current Mood: exhausted

Cheers and Chores

I had so many chores to do today, I thought I was going to collapse. I think dad saved them all until Sunday since he knew I would have the day to do them. I really like helping my dad. I mean, he's not as strong as me.

First of all, I have to say that if it wasn't for the support and encouragement of you people I never would have had the courage to pursue things the way I have with AJL.

I had a pretty cool weekend. AJL and I went to see a movie on Saturday. He let me drive! I was so excited. It was the coolest ever. If you have ever driven a Ferrari, then you know what I mean.

We saw an old black and white movie The Big Sleep. It was really cool. AJL was cool. It was really nice and relaxing.

After the movie he let me drive home. It was a nice night. I had a great time and I haven't felt so relaxed with anybody in such a long time.

More later since I am so tired I could sleep for a week.

4:09p

Current Mood: jubilant

Walking on cloud nine

I am so ecstatic today.

I just have to think about the weekend, how much fun I had, and everything is perfect.

After the movie, we went back to the castle, with me at the wheel of the Ferrari. We played a game of pool, and talked about dating. When I asked if we were exclusive, he said YES! I am so excited; I might break the keyboard because of how fast I am typing this. He doesn't like to use the word dating, but it's still the same thing even if he doesn't call it that.

It got kind of hot at the pool table so we took it upstairs. I had to sleep in my boxers and t-shirt since I didn't have any pjs with me. He didn't seem to mind. : )

I am kind of embarrassed since I hadn't done anything for a few days it was over before it really started, if you know what I mean: at least for me. Lex on the other hand; I had to use my hand. He was so beautiful. I told him how I felt right after. I told him that I love him. I just couldn't help myself. He can't say it back but we agreed that he would say ditto after I said the words.

I know this seems fast, but we didn't do anything else. After that, we fell asleep in each other's arms. It was amazing.

We woke up together. I think he was already awake, and he might have been watching me sleep. I hope I didn't drool or snore too loud or something just as stupid. At least I didn't do that other thing I do sometimes.

This morning mom told me she's going to be at the Friday Halloween dance. I know that its not a kids-only thing, its a fundraiser and everyone will be there but still, I am already groaning about this. I mean mom at the dance; that just cramps what little style I have.

I'm going with Pete in a few hours to see Jody. She's in pretty bad shape. I feel so bad for Pete. I can see in his eyes how much he loves her. I just wish things had turned out better.

12:35p

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01:43 pm

I'm Feelin':  crushed

Damn this town!
 

I nearly died on Friday, and CK saved me. He also saved the girl I love after she tried to eat me.

Yeah, you heard me, eat me.

Jody was dieting - and losing weight real fast to the point where by pretty girl L's birthday party on Friday night she was as thin as well - thin. She was really thin. I figured, like before- that the diet had just started to pay off. But when I went to pick her up for the party, and she ran away from me screaming that she didn't want me hurt, I knew there was something wrong. She was clutching her stomach and screaming at me to stay away from her. I didn't understand why, so I ran in to her house, and tried to find her. She was crying, in the kitchen. tears were streaming down her face. I told her that if she was worried about what she looked like, that it didn't matter - told her I liked her for who she was, that she was beautiful no matter what, and what I saw when she looked at me scared me nearly as much as the real story did when I found out what was really happening.

She looked at me like I was an alien - like she hated me. Then she just jumped me. Knocked me out. I woke up when I heard an explosion, and ran out into the garden, I saw CK on fire, with Jody under him, and I ran to them. CK looked at me like I'd just died. Didn't occur to me at the time that I nearly had.

I asked what happened, how Jody was. He looked at me like he did when we were kids and he'd accidentally burst my football just by holding it. He rolled over, and I saw her. She was covered in blood and dirt, knocked out. I put my arms around her, and tried to pick her up. CK said we needed to get her help, so I carried her to my truck, and CK drove us to the hospital.

I was so relieved she wasn't dead.

The nurses and doctors took her into a room, and wouldn't let me stay with her, so I waited outside and listened as CK told me about Jody's problem.

She was dieting on a concoction that made her lose control. It helped her lose weight fast, but when she got hungry, it took her over, and she became someone - something else. Something that killed people, and fed on them.

I cried.

CK left me at the hospital - I refused to leave, so he let me stay. That's when everything I'd seen began to make sense. That's when I knew that I was seriously messed up in the head.

Jody, or whatever was controlling her anyway, had killed. And tried to kill me. yet still in what must have been immense pain and suffering, of knowing, just knowing what was going to happen, but not being able to control it, she cared about me. She warned me to stay away - that she didn't want to hurt me. Said I'd always been nice to her, and she didn't know if she could stop what happened if I stayed.

And still I'm here. Waiting for visiting hours at the hospital to start, so that I can spend some time with her - my Jody. My beautiful, beautiful Jody who wanted to change so people would like her, because I didn't have the cahones to tell her before Friday night. My beautiful Jody who didn't know how I felt, and who got controlled by some inexplicable thing that turned her into a monster.

But I remember the look of hatred on her face from the time in the kitchen, before she knocked me out, and I realise, I still wanted her then. I still loved her then, I still saw my Jody there, and in all the confusion, all the sadness and worry - in all the weirdness, all I wanted to do was be there for her. Because she was my Jody. Because I loved her. And I couldn't leave.

The doctors told me to go home, after Jody's dad turned up and I told him there'd been an accident - an explosion. They say it was immense physical pain that made her unconscious and that she just slipped away into a coma. That there's a chance she'll pull through, but that it's never 100% certainty that she will, or that if she does, that she'll be the same as she was before. I looked at her dad, and he smiled at me, thanking me for being there, thanking me for spending time with her over the past few weeks - that he'd noticed we'd got close, and I asked if I could stay with him for a while. Until we knew for sure that this was all really happening, and that she wasn't just in some shock induced sleep. He let me stay. He watched as I went to her room before I left and talked to her, told her I'd bring her in some flowers. Told her how wonderful she'd looked that night as she walked to me, smiling. Told her I loved her.

I ran my hand through her hair, and kissed her on the cheek. Her father placed a hand on my shoulder and nodded at me as I left her, and made my way past him to go home.

They say that talking and spending time with coma patients can sometimes help them come out of wherever they're trapped. But I know where Jody is. She's stuck in her guilt and her fear, and it's got its claws in her and she can't get out. Not yet. But I'm gonna damn well try and free her from it.

It's been three days now, and she's had visitors for every one of them. Her dad's been to see her a few times - says he can't bear to see her like that, but he goes, because he doesn't want to lose her. He got me some pictures of her to see what she used to be like when she was younger. I took one of her in her garden, covered in snow, laughing at the camera - eyes twinkling

And if it takes a lifetime of talking and visiting her beside, I swear I'll see that life in her eyes again. That twinkle of mischief that draws me to her. Her beautiful smile, her soft voice that can make me go weak at the knees.

Even if it takes a lifetime - I'll get her back.

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10:27 pm

I'm Feelin':  cheerful

It's a miracle

Jody is awake!

I can't believe it! CK and I went to the hospital earlier, and we were just leaving when I heard her whisper my name. I don't think CK thought I could move that fast I got to her side so quickly!

She looked at me and smiled, and I helped her sit up, CK got a nurse on his way out, and left me with her. God I'm so relieved that she's ok. I really thought... well. I'm not going to think about that, I'm just glad she's awake and getting better.

She's very pale, and very tired, but she's gonna be fine - I just know it.

After the doctor had checked her over, and was happy with her results from tests they did, I told her I'd call her dad, cause I'd been so happy she was awake I hadn't even thought about it. She asked me to wait, so I did. I sat next to her, and she took my hand.

She cried. And started saying sorry over and over again. I brought her hands up to my lips and kissed the back of it, shushing her apologies, then I ran my other hand through her hair, and kissed her lightly on the lips. I think it scared her, because she looked at me like she wasn't expecting that reaction. I wiped her tears away from her eyes, and told her not to apologise, that I was ok, and so was she, and that was all that mattered. I told her I was sorry that she went through what she did because she thought she had to, and I told her that I'm gonna look after her. She asked why, and I just came out with the truth.

Because I love you I said.

I must've sounded so sappy! She started crying again, but I asked her to stop, and hugged her to me. We stayed like that for a while, her resting her head on my shoulder, just relaxing with each other. It'll be so nice when she's better, we can spend time with each other, and really get to know each other properly. Start what we never got chance to start properly before.

We'll be together and it'll be wonderful.

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Oct 21

Freak4ever

6:41p

Current Mood:  mellow

Long day
 

I have to move to a new town. We all decided we'd do a Wizard of Oz theme for the Halloween party. I swear, if they ask me to dress as the scarecrow, I will kill them! PR and I are picking up our costumes in a few days. He said he wants to be the cowardly lion because that's his favorite character from the movie.

My mom thinks it's cute, with us living in Kansas and all. I just went along because I have no idea what to be. Oh well, I could always go as toto. That would be a hoot.

PR said he was going to visit Jody again tonight. I think those two are headed for dating status, which would be so cool. It would be even cooler if she were all better by Friday so they could go to the dance together.

I called AJL earlier to ask if he was able to do anything for her. He said he was on it, but he wasn't sure since he hadn't found out anything yet. I wanted to tell PR at school today. Instead, I'm going to wait until I know for sure what's happening before I get his hopes up.

Today when PR and I went to the newspaper office the door was locked. It was a few minutes before CS answered it. LL was there with her. I'm pretty sure I know what they were doing, and it wasn't the story they gave. PR seemed to believe it though he seemed somewhat confused.

I have a ton of homework again tonight. The workload seems to be increasing. I think the teachers get a thrill out of it.
 

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tabloidboy

11:17p

This is a friends only post.

Well, my father has done it again. Or at least, I have every reason to believe he has, and history has certainly given me little reason to doubt it. He’s done something with my angel’s friend, a girl who has a very unusual condition… She’s disappeared and it took only a minimal amount of digging to discover that my father’s company was most likely behind it.

I shouldn’t be surprised. My father seems to like to control everything, to have a hand in everything.

I didn’t tell my angel about it. He called, he had asked me to get her help for her condition. He doesn’t know she’s gone. I knew that there was no reason why I shouldn’t tell him what I had discovered. But I didn’t.

I am my father’s son and I understand his world. And with that knowledge I can intervene and help my angel’s friend.

But if my angel sees that I am my father’s son, and sees my father for what he is…

So I haven’t told him yet, and I’m sure you’ll all say that I should. Go ahead, tell me that honesty is vital with someone you care about. That it’s worth the risk, worth the loss.

I can't promise I'll listen though.

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anotherlife

08:06 pm

Off to See the Wizard

We decided on a Wizard of Oz theme for Halloween costumes! I am so excited because I’ve loved that film ever since I was a child.

There’s a charity dance at school on Friday, sponsored by the millionaire, and we need to dress up. My neighbor and his best friend stopped by the Torch office this afternoon and we all brainstormed about what to wear. The boys aren’t all clear yet on who they want to be but Chloe decided to be Dorothy and I’ll be Glenda (I cannot wait to see Chloe in that outfit!! She's gonna look so cute). I wish I could take Chloe to the dance but I guess I’ll have to go with Whitney. He’s not much for dressing up so I’ll have to work on him a bit. I’ll start on that mission when we work on our history project together tomorrow afternoon.

We went by the one and only costume shop in town to make sure they actually had Wizard of Oz costumes (they do!). On our way there, my neighbor gave us an update on the meteor mutant girl from last Friday. I feel really bad for her, actually. She just tried to fit in and almost killed herself over it. But it seems like she’s going to be okay, thank god. I had the impression that my neighbor’s best friend cares about her very much–-he spent a lot of time at the hospital with her. It’s really sad how this one incident so many years ago still throws people’s lives off course.

Now I'm going over to Chloe's--we'll watch a movie together :). Her dad is working late so we have the house to ourselves, which is so nice. My aunt looked at me funny when I said I was going over to Chloe’s but she didn’t say anything. With just about anyone else, I’d be worried she’s suspecting something but my aunt could never imagine me dating Chloe, so I just ignored the look.

Oh, and I’ve decided that this week, at the right moment, I’ll pull my neighbor aside and have a little talk with him. I just want to tell him that I’m there for him. Even if he doesn’t want to talk, maybe he’d like my company. Sometimes it’s nice just to have someone there; makes you feel less alone.

08:20 pm

state of mind: excited

this is a friends-locked entry

Something else happened today that I didn’t want to write about publicly but that I just have to talk about because it was so completely overwhelming.

I’ve told you already where my thoughts have been these past few days, and today, in history class, it was particularly bad (or good, depending on your point of view). I knew Chloe was working at The Torch and I kept imagining what we could do in that office...well, then the insight hit me that this doesn’t have to remain a fantasy, that this could actually happen, and so after class was over and the school had cleared out, I decided to go for it. I really tried not to think about it because otherwise I probably would have lost all my courage.

Chloe was rather, um, surprised, to say the least. Good thing the office has a lock on the door because otherwise we wouldn’t have gone quite as far as we did. Although...with the way she looked in that red shirt I am not so sure. I feel all safety circuits in my brain were fried at the sight, and certainly all my usual inhibitions were out of the window after our first kiss. And she was right there, so close, and I had missed her so much...it was as if my body took on a life of its own and I was taken along for the ride.

There were hands under shirts and much kissing and licking and sucking of exposed (and not so exposed) skin. I wish that room had been soundproof... During a moment of clarity I wondered how on earth we got there, how I got so caught up in her. That clarity vanished as soon as it appeared, however, when Chloe cleared her desk in one swoop and pulled us both on top of it...and then she pretty much drove me out of my mind. The way she touched me I was really close to no longer being able to guarantee for anything, and a little voice in my head told me that the Torch office probably wasn’t the best place to find out where that might lead. So I kind of pulled the emergency break. She looked a little disappointed but she understood.

We were just about done putting ourselves and the office back in order when my neighbour and his best friend showed up. We totally forgot to unlock the door again! Chloe very nonchalantly opened the door for them but I was so embarrassed. It seemed so obvious as to why we had the door locked, and I think my neighbour picked up on that, which made me feel even more embarrassed. There were a few awkward moments when both of us blushed, Chloe cracked a joke to loosen up the tension, and my neighbour's best friend had no clue what was going on.

*sigh*

She said she missed me the moment she stepped out of my door on Saturday...

Oct 22

freak4ever

12:20a

Current Mood:  thoughtful

Thoughts on life

private post

It's hard for me sometimes. I'm so different, but I look so much like them. Most of the time I don't even think about it, but sometimes when I'm sitting in my fortress alone, looking up at the stars through my telescope, I can't help but think about it.

When my dad told me I was from outer space, he gave me this thing. It's a tablet. I'm not sure what it's for. I held it for a while tonight. It's weird to know that these things are from my home world. I consider here my home. I've never known any other place, and yet there is a world out there somewhere that I came from; I world where I was born.

I was three years old when I landed, or at least that's what they think. I could be three hundred for all I know. That would suck.

I've also been thinking about Lex a lot. He's become such an important part of my life. I'm terrified he'll find out about me, but at the same time, I want to tell him.

I watch him move whenever he's near me. He's so confident, and comfortable with him body. I wish I could be like that.

It doesn't matter. I know I can't tell him. Dad would freak out, and probably do something very drastic. Sometimes I think dad just wants to hide me away from the rest of the world and never let me out into it. I wonder what he would think if I told him that I don't want to be a farmer like him.
 

8:21p

Current Mood:  angry

Where do I go from here?

friends only post

I'm so shocked right now; I just don't know what to think. Yesterday Jody went missing. When I say missing, I mean she's gone. PR went to visit her last night only to discover that the hospital had discharged her. They wouldn't say where she went just that she went to another facility.

I just found out a few hours ago that a man I will refer to as Mr. Big owns the facility. He is Lex's father. PR and I found out about it earlier today. When we found out PR took off. He was angry beyond words.

On top of that, LL stopped me in the hall to tell me she would be there for me if I needed somebody who understood what I was going through. What could I do? I thanked her and told her if she needed somebody to listen, I would be there for her. I think she suspects something about Lex and me. She wouldn't understand though. I have no idea what I'm going through, and I didn't want to say this to her, but there is no way she would understand. I mean, if what Lex and I have done so far was to become public, even by accident, he could go to jail!

There is no way I am betraying him that way, I don't care how close I am to LL or anybody else in my life. If I haven't told PR (who by the way has been my best friend since I was four) I would not tell anybody else.

I know they entrusted me with their secret, but it doesn't mean I have to give them mine does it?

CS helped us track down where Jody is. Sure enough, it's some company owned by Mr. Rich, and it's in the city near us.

I had to stop PR before he did something crazy. I offered to help him get Jody back no matter who was involved. The drive into town was strained. We didn't say much. When we arrived at the building, we parked a few blocks away, and after a little trickiness on my part we managed to sneak in (don't ask how). We stole some cleaner's uniforms, and managed to blend in until we reached the room where they had Jody.

The security guards almost caught us because PR was so busy freaking when he saw what they had done to her. It was terrible, and I hated seeing it, but I hated the idea of going to jail more. So I pushed him out of there and we ran as fast as we could. When it looked bad, I distracted the guards while PR made it back to the car.

The drive home was worse. PR was so upset I had to drive, and I'm not technically licensed to but what other choice did I have. We made it home safe. I left PR at his place, made him promise not to do anything crazy, and then I ran home from there.

I'm staring at a fax that CS uncovered that shows Lex knew Jody was gone, and did nothing about it.

I called him yesterday and asked if he'd found out anything about Jody yet. I know he was the one who offered to help, but he lied to me. He told me he was still looking into it. How could I have done this? I pointed her out to Lex, and now Jody is in a lab being experimented on, just because she's different. I don't know what to think.

I'm going over to see Lex about this. He'll have to tell me the truth when I show him the evidence. I'm not going to be confrontational; I'm just going to ask him why he didn't tell me about Jody being gone.

On a lighter note:

New car icon thanks to kilronan, and mmm pie care of amchau. Thanks guys. I really appreciate that you took the time to make me these. :)

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10:19p

Current Mood:  contemplative

This day just can't get any worse

friends only post

After everything that happened with Jody and PR, I went over to confront Lex. I say confront because that is what I ended up doing, even though it wasn't what I set out to do. I couldn't help it. By the time I reached the mansion, I was so angry. I just couldn't believe he would do this to me.

He didn't deny it at all. He was concerned, and didn't want to worry me. I'm not sure if that is the truth but it rang true when he said it.

I calmed down (with the condemning fax in hand), and then I noticed Lex had a guest. I hated him on the spot. He's tall, dark-haired, and gorgeous. I didn't like the way he insinuated there was more to his relationship with Lex than met the eye.

After the jerk left the room, I couldn't help myself; I grabbed Lex, and kissed him hard enough to remind him that I'm his boyfriend. When I asked Lex how he knew BW, he admitted they had been intimate in the past. That made me so angry. I don't know why, but I wanted to go up there, and punch BW out on the spot. It was very irrational and completely uncalled for, but there it is. I guess I'm the jealous type.

Half an hour after I got home, CS showed up. She pressed me to reveal what my real relationship with Lex is. I just couldn't do it. She was so upset, I felt bad because I had no idea what to say. She wants somebody to confide in about her relationship with LL. She said she hoped that I would be honest with her since she was honest with me. She just doesn't get that it isn't about her at all. I would do anything to protect Lex. Anything. He warned me. He hinted that others would frown on what we're doing.

CS has a problem with not being able to show everybody around her how she feels about LL. She wants to be able to hold her hand in public, but I don't feel the same way. It's exhilarating, what Lex and I have. I love the secret we only share. It's . . . exciting. It's nothing like the other secrets I have. Those ones terrify me when I look deep inside myself.

So I can't really relate to her. I love lying in Lex's bed, with the knowledge that only we know what is happening between us. I love kissing him in private. We still flirt in public all the time. I'm not as good at it as he is, but I'm learning. It's fun.

In short, I am happy. I told CS I would be there for her, but I really don't know what else to say. I also told her they could show how they feel in front of me, as long as they don't do stuff . . . I kind of left it at that.

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grlf_reporting

12:11 pm

Editorial disposition:  worried

Mountains spring from molehills

Friends-only post

Wow! I am so far behind on the paper, but it's been worth it to be able to spend as much time as I have with LL. I've been having a great time with her!

Yesterday after school, she caught me in my office and locked us inside... *ahem*

Yesterday afternoon, I was in the office, and I was trying to wrap some work I had to do (editorial duties and computer-program stuff). CK and Pete said they might stop by to talk about Halloween plans, but they seemed really uncertain, and it was pretty unclear if they were coming or not. They were already late, so I just assumed they weren't coming, and I tried to finish so I could either go find either them or LL.

As it happened, LL found me! She came in and asked if there was lock on the door, and I was a little confused, but then she came up to me and suddenly we were so close and everything got very intimate very fast. She was really aggressive, and I loved that! I reveled in getting all this attention from her like she needed my affection. We were kissing at first, and we were still standing up at the time. I nearly lost my balance swooning, because she was doing these wicked, tantalizing things with her tongue on my stomach... I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it in retrospect! LOL!

I got seriously impulsive and cleared the area of my desk that was just cluttered with paperwork and layouts in one swipe. I think she was a little in shock, and I was running on pure adrenaline, both of us a tad lost for our senses in the heat of that moment. I hoisted myself up on it, and sat back, just pulling her in between my legs. She was hovering over me at some point, and our hands were under each other's shirts. (Hers stayed in the back, and mine were pretty much guilty of wandering to the front.) Usually I've been the instigator of things like this, and I'm usually the aggressor... but it felt really good to be underneath her and have her taking control like that! She initiated the whole thing, and she even took off her bra and let me touch her... God, I really shouldn't be writing about this when I have to go back to class, and I can't like... take a cold shower or something! (Does that even work for girls?! I've never tried that, but I might want to check into it. *grins*)

Well, the private party kinda ended when I offered my... assistance to make her come again. I really wanted her to, because I wanted her to feel satisfied, and I really wanted to see the look that she got on her face Friday as it happened again... but essentially, the message in the reason she gave was that she didn't feel comfortable enough in such a public place. I'll be honest. That burst more than a few bubbles. I was really polite about it though, and I've let it go, but there are still some thoughts in the back of my mind... and I really have no one to talk to about them!

Anyway, while we were straightening up (so to speak), someone came to the door, and we rushed to get it. CK and Pete finally showed after all, and it was a little embarrassing, because Pete had no clue and CK had too much of one.

Other than the fact that we decided we would go with a "Wizard of Oz" theme to our costumes (I'm going to be Dorothy), there isn't anymore to tell here.

I saw LL last night too. We watched The Breakfast Club, which was on for the billionth time on cable (I don't even know how, out of everything on, we wound up settling on that particular movie!), and we fell asleep. We were just so relaxed, and she had her head rested in my lap. I was stroking her hair, which was really smooth and silky.

When I woke up though, the TV was turned off, and I know that neither of us did that. Almost immediately after I started to come to, I realized my Dad was calling me. I could hear him walking around the room, cleaning up a few things like the empty popcorn bowl we had left lying next to the couch. He said that he had just got home, and that it was pretty late. He seemed pretty calm, and he asked if LL shouldn't be heading home because her aunt would wonder where she was. I finally snapped out of it, and when I was fully alert, I realized my Dad had seen us all cozy with LL's head in my lap and her hand on my leg next to her cheek, and my hand in her hair right by her ear... It had to look awfully suspicious, but I don't know what he's thinking. I took LL home and my Dad was in bed by time I got back. He didn't say anything this morning, and was a little quiet, but not like distant or obtuse or anything, just pensive.

I'm worried he might be jumping to conclusions... the right ones!

On the bright side, LL and I made plans for Saturday! I asked her if she'd like to do something special and go to a play in the city. She got really excited about the idea, so I told her I'd pick a show and surprise her! :)

This is Girl F late for class as usual.

anotherlife

08:41 pm

Dark Clouds on the Horizon

friends-locked post

I guess life can only be good for so long.

Things just kept piling up today. No, wait, it all started last night. Chloe and I feel asleep together on her couch, me lying on her lap with her hands in my hair. I was so tired, and I felt so warm and safe with her that I let myself drift off. Guess she felt the same way. Her dad found us, and even though he didn’t say anything or seemed weirded out, Chloe was worried. She was so tense when she drove me home. It was really stupid to just let ourselves go like that; we were in her living room, and we knew her dad would come home eventually. It shouldn’t have happened.

Then, this morning, my aunt, trying to be all nonchalant, asked me why Whitney isn’t around much anymore and if we were having problems. The first thing I thought was that Chloe’s dad called her and told her about what he saw and what he was suspecting. I totally froze up and didn’t know what to say, which my aunt took as a confirmation of her statement. She tried to be all nice and understanding and even offered to talk to me. My aunt offering relationship advice! That made me snap out of it and I assured her that we were both just stressed but otherwise fine. And since I went over to his house to study this afternoon and he is taking me to the dance I even had evidence to back up my lies. I hate this charade but it’s necessary. The truth would be so much worse.

After the afternoon at Whitney’s I have even more "proof" that he and I are still a happy couple, which will keep my aunt off my back but makes me completely miserable. When I was just about to leave, Whitney’s mom came up to us and invited me to the party for their 25th anniversary, which is on Saturday. All this wouldn’t be that bad if Chloe and I had not made plans last night to go to see a play in Metropolis on Saturday. Of course I couldn’t say that, couldn’t say, sorry, but my girlfriend is going all out to plan a romantic evening for us. It would have been simply rude to turn down that invitation for what appears to be an evening with a friend, especially since I have the impression that Whitney’s parents consider me part of the family. So I just that thank you and I’d love to come. More lies. More secrets.

I haven’t told Chloe yet. I don’t want to disappoint her. Even if she understands why I need to go it will still hurt her. She’ll pretend it’s fine and that we can always go another time. But I don’t want to see the sadness in her eyes when she tells me that. I don’t want us, our relationship, to be something that can just be put off. That has to be put off to keep up others’ belief in something I don’t believe in anymore. Yet, I will go. I will pretend. I will do what others expect of me.

The only good thing today was the brief conversation I had with my neighbor at school. I finally told him that I’d always be there for him, even if he just wanted company. He extended the same offer to me (and Chloe), which I take as an acceptance of what I offered to him. I hope he really meant it because I will not hesitate to take him up on it.

ordinary_guy

03:57 pm

I'm Feelin':  worried

I can't believe this shit

I'm writing this now, because I've been up all night thinking about what the hell is going on I'm so worried I can't sleep.

Jody has disappeared

I went to visit her last night, all excited about telling her about the Halloween party, and picking out costumes, and generally being happy that I’d be seeing her, and I went into her room, and there's nothing there. It's like no one was ever there. Just an empty bed with plain sheets, in a clean hospital room.

I asked the nurses and the doctors where she was, and they just said she'd been discharged from their care, and moved somewhere else, but wouldn't tell me where. I ran round to her house, and all the lights were blacked out. I broke in through the window at the back - I know I shouldn't have - but something just felt really off y'know. I'm glad I followed my gut. Inside was a mess, things were scattered all over the floor, as if things had just been tossed around - like someone was looking for something. her clothes were all gone, her dads stuff wasn’t there, neither was he, I don't know where he is either, been trying to track him down with an old phonebook I found in Jody’s bedroom when I was there last night.

No one has heard from either of them.

I'm so upset right now, I don't know what to do. I have to go ask CK if he'll help me find her, when I called him yesterday after getting back from the hospital, I don't really think he understood much of what I was saying. I'm so worried I’m starting to panic. I don't know what's happened, I just have a really bad feeling that whatever it is isn't good.

I just want her safe and here, where I can be with her. Where she can get better. oh god! What if she's had a relapse? What if... No, I'm not even gonna think like that.

God I hope we find her and that she's ok.

I’m gonna head off to CK's then go to the torch, and see if Clo can find something out about where Jody could have been taken to. If it's all legit, I can't figure out why the hospital wouldn't tell me where she was; unless they didn't know.

Something's not right.

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Oct 23

freak4ever

10:02p

Current Mood:  restless

Just call me a coward

So I picked up my costume for the party. The one PR wanted didn't fit him. In fact, it only fit me. I'll be dressed as the cowardly lion. PR got the tin man. School totally sucked. My mind kept going to that friend AJL has visiting. I want to stop by just to say hi, but at the same time, he hasn't called me so maybe he doesn't want me around.

His friend was so hostile last night. I'm not sure why. I guess it's that Lex isn't his anymore. Maybe I should stop by. Unfortunately, I can't even come up with a good reason, not that I needed one before. Still, I don't want AJL to get mad at me. I'm sure he didn't appreciate how I just barged in yesterday.

I can't concentrate. I have to go over and see AJL.

I hope BW isn't staying for the party. That would totally suck.

tabloidboy

12:29a

friends only post.

An old friend has come to visit. One of the few. He knows me as few do. Too well, perhaps. Well enough to see patterns, to see mistakes that I have made and that I am remaking.

Like lying to my angel about my knowledge of my father’s involvement.

But then, I knew that was a mistake the moment I spoke the lie. And I knew it more clearly when my angel burst into the room, waving the fax that proved my deceit, accusing me.

And then my angel spotted my friend, and acted like the teenager that he is. The jealous teenager that he is. To be honest, I was almost impressed—I’m sure few people have ever been so brazenly rude to B. And that my angel would be jealous like that – here I will admit that, without a question, it turned me on. After B left us alone to resolve our argument, my angel grabbed me hard, kissing me and leaving bruises on my arms. They ache now, deliciously.

But those marks, proof of his love, don’t alleviate the other problems. I lied to him, I’ll lie again. He lies to me.

B warned me afterwards, reminding me of mistakes he and I had made—that I had once told him that relationships based on lies are doomed to fail.

Because like my angel, B had always held himself back from me. Wanted me yet cut himself off from me. Needed me yet wouldn’t let me in.

My angel lets me in. Yet doesn’t trust me. Still, why should he? I lied, just as he said.

I know that seeing me with my angel hurt B. And he may have been expecting more from me – I’m sure he was. And why shouldn’t he have? I’ve never before had someone in my life who would prevent me from being with him. And now, my angel comes above him. I knew it would be that way, and he saw it clearly. I hate to hurt him but there is no other way.

grlf_reporting

02:05 am

Editorial disposition:  exanimate

Girl F takes notes before bedtime

Friends-only post

Talked to CK tonight.

PlayBoy from Gotham is in town.

More tomorrow, I promise.

Need to think some more. Not sure what to say or how to say it...

(God, this is incoherent! I must be having a nervous breakdown!)

This is Girl F reporting what's to come in greater detail later... Now, sleep!

anotherlife

10:07 pm

state of mind: crappy

Apart

Everyone seemed really off today. My neighbor was distant and preoccupied, and so was Chloe. And I was battling my own demons as well.

I still haven’t told her about Saturday. I am such a coward. Last night I tried to call her but she wasn’t home, and then she seemed so aggravated today that I didn’t want to add on to that.

It all got very strange when Chloe and I went to the costume place this afternoon to try on our outfits for Friday. Well, at first everything seemed alright...she looked so cute in her Dorothy costume! Judging by the way she looked at me, she liked me in my costume too :). But she seemed not completely there, as if there was something at the back of her mind that wouldn’t let go of her. I wanted to reach out to her but I couldn’t. Those things I’ve kept from her rose like a wall between us. The conversation between slowly died until only silence remained. Although Chloe stood right next to me she seemed a million miles away, impossible to reach. Probably in order to bring the conversation back to life she started talking about Saturday. I couldn’t even look at her. I don’t even remember what lame excuse I came up with but I knew I had to get out of there.

At home my aunt greeted me with a surprising cheerfulness. She had run into Whitney’s mom and they talked about the anniversary. Apparently they both agree that he and I make the most “charming” couple. My aunt rounded off the vivid retelling of the encounter by adding that I was so lucky and how Whitney’s family was so nice. I bet she was planning my wedding in her mind while we were talking. Afterwards I went to my room and cried.

I miss her so much.

Oct 24

freak4ever

12:58a

Current Mood:  infuriated

Burn

I have never hated anybody ever before in my life. Until I met BW. He is a pompous, annoying, bastard.

I wish I had some kind of laser vision so I could burn a hole in his (something I can't type here.)

I just got off the phone. I wanted to talk to AJL but he answered instead! Who the heck does he think he is? I want to go over there right now, and force him to leave!

There, I got that off my chest. Now I have to go to bed.
 

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tabloidboy

10:11a

He kissed me.

Not my angel, B. B kissed me.

I should have seen this coming, I should have known. At first he asked me right out – he suggested that in return for helping me to remove my angel’s friend from my father’s facility, I might agree to continue our “usual agreement.” I had already told him about my angel, about what he means to me. And B is the only person I’ve told, apart from here in cyberspace. I thought that telling him, that putting it into words, would make it clear…how significant this is to me. But he hadn’t understood, or hadn’t wanted to understand.

I told him of course that I could not. That I would not. But he didn’t seem to hear me, and he grabbed me anyway. I should have pulled away earlier. But surprise and anger and familiarity combined to freeze me, and there was a frightening desperation in his kiss. Like he was trying to mold himself to me, to give me what he thought I wanted – and that is not something B has ever done before.

He admitted more weakness to me last night than he ever has over the course of our friendship.

I can see that, rationally. But…fuck I am so angry! I thought he understood – understood that I was trying to change, understood how much my angel meant to me. That he respected that.

But instead he thought that if he pushed enough, that my body would give in to what my mind was resisting. Is that what he thinks of me?

And the revelation of how much he may feel he cares for me, while it does complicate things, doesn’t undo the bitterness of this pill.

He asked for my forgiveness. Reminded me that my angel forgave me.

B is an old friend. For a long time he was my only true friend. He knows me…and this is why this is so upsetting. Because if he knows me, and if he thought… Maybe he knows that my attempts to change, to escape myself, to find refuge in my angel, are futile.

But I can’t accept that. I can’t allow myself to be pulled into the same undertow that has shaped my life thus far. There was a time when B revealing so much would have just undone me, but now…

I want to see my angel. I want to touch his lips. I want to feel the warmth of his skin. I want to feel his eager hardness pressed against me. See the innocent excitement in his eyes. See the purity of his passion and his youth. I want to erase what happened with B, erase it with the fire of my angel’s lust and love, erase it with his innocent groping and his eager moans. And with my own all-encompassing desire for him.
 

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grlf_reporting

11:59 am

Editorial disposition:  frustrated

Editorial chaos runs amuck at lunch

Friends-only post

I've been so busy and there's been so much on my mind that I don't know where to even begin! I haven't really posted in a few days, and a lot has been going on inside my head. Let's do a quick lunchtime rundown (containing excessive personal BS, so consider yourself forewarned):

Okay, I'll try to list the chaos in chronological order.

Wednesday night I went to talk to CK. I tried to let him know that it would be okay if he had feelings for Mr. X, whether he's actually involved with him or just attracted to him, but he totally denied it. He put up a very thick wall whenever I even mentioned X, but the first time I brought it up, I caught a glimpse of fear there before he rushed to hide the guy behind the curtain (lame Wizard of Oz reference). He really seems terrified to tell anyone how he's feeling about this, because I'm sure he's covering up anything that's there and trying to make it look like nothing... But you know? That's okay.

I've kind of dropped the subject for now, because I broke down and told him that I hated not having anyone to talk to about LL or anyone who could relate, and he totally surprised me. It must have showed how much it has been killing me to keep this all bottled up inside and keep it to myself, because he actually encouraged me to talk to him about everything, and he listened. It was really comforting, and I was grateful that he did that... I still wish he'd open up, but I'm convinced that he's thinking of consequences and repercussions, and in time, he may realize he can confide in me... I don't know. I'm upside down and inside out on every subject lately! I can't keep my head on straight enough to think about anything with certainty or logic!

Especially after I was already kinda both relieved and worried from talking to CK and LL went weird on me! We were at the costume store yesterday to get our predetermined outfits and she was acting a little... funny. Not ha-ha funny, but weird funny. Then, I mentioned tomorrow's plan to go to the play and said something to the effect of how it was the only thing I was looking forward because I needed to just have some fun. As soon as I said that, she started acting not only weird, but distant! WTF? It's not like I'm not having a hard enough time without the one thing that's bringing me some comfort and happiness tossing wood into the bonfire!

It's depressing feeling this tired and I'm tired of feeling this depressed!

I told CK that it hurts to not be able to hold LL's hand in the halls at school, and that I dream of being able to just be with her like everybody else is able to be with anyone else! But she's so scared! I understand it, but I would be more than willing to brave the storm if she were. If she weren't so inhibited by what everyone else thinks. I mean, granted I'm not ready to advertise, but I feel like I should be able to, like I have every right to want to celebrate finally being with somebody when I've been alone watching everyone else pair off like animals getting on the ark or something! I am with someone, someone I care a lot about, and I can't even be publicly proud of it or even show affection for her when I think someone could be watching. She doesn't seem to want them to see ever! How can we even have a serious relationship if this is the way it's going to be?!...

God! I sound like a psycho, and worse, I feel like a hypocrite... on more levels than one too.

Meanwhile I've been helping CK and Pete with the disappearance of one patient from our hospital, i.e.., Pete's girl who was mysteriously taken by Daddy Warbucks?!

CK's got some bug up his ass. I'm not sure, but it could very well have something to do with a certain PlayBoy from Gotham City who is rumored to be staying with X. Can you say... Jealous much?... *snickers* Who the hell am I to talk? After my awkward time at the costume shop with LL, I was working with Pete on an article for the paper and I asked him to be my date for the Halloween party... Hey, I should cover my own ass if everyone else is covering theirs. LL has her ex-bf and CK has LL. Yep, all for the sake of keeping up appearances...

Jesus! Who needs these thoughts! Who needs all of this trouble!

Lunch is over... That's all I can say that even remotely resembles coherent rationale.

This is Girl F reporting from the insane asylum.

ordinary_guy

12:39 pm

I'm Feelin':  pissed off

Dreaming of Better Times

I'm really not in the mood for anything at the moment, least of all this damn Halloween party that we've all been planning for I don't know how long now.

I found out that Jody is in Metropolis. Me and CK went to get her after Clo did some digging and found out that this big company that rich boy L's dad runs is involved in her disappearance. Like I should be surprised.

CK was

Cause his precious new best friend rich boy L is probably involved, and well, that just won't do. I'm so sick of him defending him all the time. It's like I don't even matter anymore. Anyway, I ran off to find Jody, CK followed me, and helped me break into the facility where she's being kept.

God I hate even thinking of the fact she's still there.

I would've got her out, I should've. But we got caught just as my brain kicked into gear after what I saw

She was on the bed, in a room on her own, with all this machinery around her, and other, not so normal things. God she looked terrified. I'm not surprised about that either. I keep seeing the images of it. Can't stop thinking about it, seeing that. It's disgusting.

The only cover she had was a sheet. Her arms were in those restraints - like what you see in those films where people end up in insane asylums. It was all very clinical. That just makes the whole thing even worse. It was organized and planned.

She was muzzled, and wired up to a monitoring machine. Two drips were attached to her, one to each of her arms. One was feeding her that green stuff she was dieting on, I think... The other, well, I don't know what the other was doing, but it looked like it had blood in it.

She looked so tired. She'd been crying, I know that.. her eyes were swollen from it, and she probably hadn't slept much cause of whatever they're doing to her. Worst of all is that I swear she saw me, and thought for a minute that she was safe, that everything would be okay. She must really think I'm a bastard. Because I ran. I should've punched the god damn doctor out and barged in there and got her home. Got her safe.

But no, Pete the coward strikes again. How apt that my Halloween costume was going to be the cowardly lion, but now it's the tin man. The cowardly lion didn't fit. But I'm a coward nonetheless. I should've done something. I should've thought quicker. Moved quicker, anything.

Then to make things ten times worse, when I ran, and CK was driving us back home. he tells me that rich boy L will help get her out!!! So I told him straight what I thought of that. I told him he's pissing me off. I mean c'mon, please. The very guy who's dad owns the damn place that Jody's being kept in is going to help get her out and be safe!!!!????? I don't think so. And what is it with his highness anyway? What's so special about the guy? So he's rich - who cares - if he's half as bad as his dad - who everyone has heard about - then he's just as bad in my opinion. If not worse, cause he knows what his dad does and doesn't do anything. They're bastards - all of them. And CK is blind and can't see it. And it's pissing me off, cause I feel like he's not my friend anymore.

ALL THESE FRIGGING SECRETS

I hate myself. I hate him. I hate rich boy. I hate rich boys dad. I hate that my friendship with CK doesn't feel like one. I hate that the only time I've seen Clo recently she's been too busy doing "girl stuff" with pretty girl LL. I hate that I left Jody in that room. I hate that I'm a loser. I hate that I'm so angry and upset...

I just hate it all

Oct 25

freak4ever

12:20a

Current Mood:  tired

The party was over before it started.

I hate dressing up. The costume itched, and I looked like an idiot. Everybody else thought it was great. I thought I looked like a big stuffed toy. I just wanted to be home as fast as possible. I stood in a corner most of the night listening to CS snark on all the costumes. It must have been so hard for her. LL was there with her boyfriend.

I wished I could help her, but I had no idea what to say. This was the thing she hates the most.

At least there was pumpkin pie, and no BW. :)

Anyway, I am so tired, and I need to take care of myself. (that way)
 

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12:33a

Current Mood:  horny

Lions don't always roar

Private post

I feel so much better now that I jerked off. It was torture making out with Lex in my history class, but not being able to come.

I feel so horny tonight. The party sucked so I tried to escape by going to one of the classrooms. Fortunately, Lex found me. I was so happy to see him. We made out on a desk. I think it was the one Chloe sits in. At one point, I stripped out of the costume. The shocked look on Lex's face was worth it. I wish I'd gone naked underneath it, but I know I never would. I'm not that brave.

I guess I picked the right costume after all. Lex didn't wear a costume. He wore a suit that I wanted to strip off. The more I see him, the more I want - more. Especially with Bruce here. I wanted to let Lex have me just so he wouldn't touch Bruce. I know he won't, but I was so afraid that when his older friend came to visit Lex would want something from him.

Bruce and he have already been there. And I have no idea what there is. I almost told Lex he could tonight. I was only in my t-shirt and boxers and we were alone. I don't know what to do, but I know Lex could show me. I mean I've touched his cock. (still makes me blush to write that) but I want to do other things with it. I read some stories on line where guys do things to other guys.

Maybe I need to rent some gay porn. I wonder if Lex has some. That seems forward though. I think I'll just find stuff on line.

9:57p

Current Mood:  determined

boredom can actually kill

I am so bored. My mom and dad went to Whitney's parents anniversary party. I wasn't invited. Whitney still doesn't like me. He gives me these looks every time I look his way. Maybe he wants me. Hee. That would be funny. He is kind of hot. (I did not say that!)

I want to go see Lex right now! I am tired of that jerk being there. I have no idea what rich guys do together all day in a castle, but I don't want BW to do anything with AJL.

I am going over right now!  

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tabloidboy

 1:29p

friends only post.

So, I’m sure you are all correct. B is afraid of losing me and my angel is jealous. I don’t know what to do about the situation with B. Words don’t seem to reassure him and he doesn’t even want reassurance. He just wants to disappear into himself, as always. Which was part of the original problem. B and I have a way of going in endless circles, and I can see now that it’s not perhaps the best thing for me.

My angel, on the other hand…

His jealousy turns me on. Makes me want him, want to do whatever he wants. Follow his every teenage whim.

Last night, at a community fundraiser (a Halloween party -- how quaint) in the local high school, I found my angel sulking in an empty classroom. You can imagine the potential. Once the light was turned off and the door was locked.

His jealousy of B is rather extreme, but then, given what happened, I suppose his instincts are right. Perhaps he recognized that B felt the way he does before I realized it.

But I’m not complaining about the results. New bruises from being pushed against a high school desk. A somewhat ripped tie. Yes, angel, please show me the “stuff” you could do to me there on that desk.

It was damn tempting, I’ll tell you that, to just let him act on his jealousy. He stripped out of his Halloween costume (the cowardly lion, which I’d say was just a bit too tight on him, tight enough to hug him in all the right places) into boxers and a t-shirt. In his classroom. Pressing me against the desk. I was this close to coming in my pants like the teenager that he is.

But still, at least a part of me was rational enough to tell him that he didn’t need to do this because of B, that he didn’t need to prove anything to me, that he didn’t need to worry, and that as much as the whole idea of all the things we could do in this classroom turned me on, it would be better if he put his costume back on…

He went back to the party to be with his friends, and I went home, to find B hiding away from me. So, some scotch and thoughts of my angel kept me company… He had told me that he would “take care of himself” at home (his words, of course) and that I could use that knowledge for inspiration myself…

Fuck, he drives me crazy.

grlf_reporting

06:47 pm

Editorial disposition:  morose

The truth about LL exposed

Friends-only post

The past 24 hours have been miserable, and it just keeps getting worse. I spent most of the day at the office to work my troubles away, or at least push them out of my mind, but now I'm back home and nothing feels different, though I had hoped it would.

I really resent the fact that LL has to be with her ex-bf Captain Quarterback to keep up this charade we keep calling "appearances" with everyone! It's a fake, a fraud, a facade for the town and nothing more, yet it requires things of her and of us that have really become obstacles in the last couple days. She's obligated to be with him, to spend time with him, because it's like her place, where everyone figures she belongs!

By this point, you're probably wondering why I'm not in the city today seeing some lame play with my girlfriend. Well, she called me this morning, and cancelled our plans. She said she had been invited to Captain QB's parent's anniversary party, and it was necessary for her to attend, so she wouldn't be able to make it. Our day was ruined (and our week too, because this apparently is the reason she's been so distant and awkward all week, since she was keeping this from me!) and it was all because she caved to other people's expectations of her! They expect that she's with him, this guy, and if we don't want anyone to get suspicious, we have to go along with it.

Seems to me that it's much easier a thing for her to "go along with" than it is for me. Last night at the Halloween party (which was a disaster, btw), she got to dance and smile and laugh. They were crowned best couple (i.e. her and the QB), and I was forced to sit back with CK and watch. I started ragging on all of the costumes that got cited for awards and pretty soon I was plaguing CK with my cynical views on everything from the pathetically unspooky lighting to the cheap and lazy feel of having a Halloween party a week before Halloween. I know he probably hated sitting there and having to listen to all that, but to his credit, he did.

I left during the raffle, which was insanely early. I just explained to Pete that I didn't feel much like partying, and he understood, considering what he's been going through this week (his poor girlfriend had it so much worse than anything I'd ever want to imagine).

It didn't seem like anybody's heart was really in it last night... except for LL. She seemed perfectly happy. A smiling fairy princess in a good witch disguise and the quarterback who f**king kissed her on stage. I almost cried, but CK changed the subject quickly, and coaxed me back to my sarcastic self, encouraging me to make fun of some more stuff that definitely was not fun! He didn't seem to know what to say, so I guess that was the best he could do. We were in a public place, so it wasn't right to be showing how jealous I was either of LL's happy couple act and presence with the QB or of CK's secret feelings he harbors far away from me. I just moped until I had enough of it, and decided I couldn't stand being around other people, or anyone for that matter.

I didn't get much sleep. When LL called me this morning and told me she wouldn't be coming and that she had been trying to get out of it most of the week, I froze up. I couldn't say anything and I couldn't find any outlet of expression. I keep thinking how wrong any reaction I could have would be. It's wrong to blame her, and it's wrong to blame her former bf, the QB, but I do. It's wrong to be angry, and I am. It's wrong to have to suppress our relationship like this, but I hide it for us both. I can't be mad at her, because then I'd have to be mad at myself too.

Just when I thought everything was going fine, this week it all just blew up in my face. I hate to think of things going on like this, but it hurts even worse to think of being without LL now... I wish I knew what to do or how to feel, but they don't give you instructions for things like this.

This is Girl F with my internal expose for the evening.

anotherlife

01:13 am

state of mind: happy

Over the Rainbow

I don’t known why or how, but the Halloween party this evening was so much fun! And that’s all because of Whitney.

I think he sensed that I was upset and he went all out to make me feel better. He told funny stories, and was so attentive. That fact that he looked extremely handsome in his wizard costume certainly also did its fair share to cheer me up :). He even danced with me, and he really doesn’t like to dance. During the evening, I realized that I missed him, missed the kind of easygoing relationship we once had. I wouldn’t want to give up Chloe for the world but being there with Whitney tonight was so uncomplicated. After spending much time wondering what people would think if they saw Chloe and me together or found out about us, it was nice to not have to worry about that. I feel better about going to his parents’ anniversary tomorrow now. Maybe it won’t be as bad as I imagined up till now, especially since we got along so well tonight.

In general, the party went really well, I thought. Almost the whole town was there, including my aunt (who went as the Wicked Witch, a rather appropriate costume), my neighbor’s parents, Chloe’s dad, and the millionaire (he was sponsoring the event). People seemed to have a good time. There was dancing, of course, and a raffle. Whitney bought a ticket for me, and I won a small stuffed pumpkin! I never win anything! Such a nice surprise. Oh, and we also won the costume contest for best couple! I felt a little bad about that because they dragged us up on stage and he kissed me. Chloe must have seen that *sigh*.

I didn’t really get to talk to her at all the entire evening. The only times I saw her was when other people were around so we couldn’t talk. She went to the dance with my neighbor’s best friend, which makes sense since they are both officially single and really good friends. In case you were wondering, I still have not told her that I can’t make it tomorrow night. I was hoping that somehow, miraculously, I might be able to get out of it, but no. I’ll call her first thing tomorrow morning.

Oh, and my neighbor ended up going as the Cowardly Lion, and he looked so adorable! I didn’t hesitate to point that out to him. He totally blushed, which was the cutest thing ever (I didn’t tell him that, though). I don’t think he liked his costume much but it was the only one that fit him. He said he felt like a stuffed animal so I pet him on the arm a little :). So, so cute!

Anyway, I had a wonderful evening, and now I’m off to sleep.

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12:55 pm

state of mind: crushed

Crash

I called Chloe.

She...was very still at first, and then...

Oh god.

I don’t know what’s going to happen now.

And I still need to go to that party tonight, and smile and pretend that all is good in the world.

I’m so so stupid.

I...I need to get out of here now. The walls are closing in on me and there are too many thoughts here.

lions_den

06:16 pm

I feel: Elevated

Random musings

Being helpless is what I hate most of all. I'm not the control freak some think I am, but I need to know I'm my own master, I call the shots in my life. I hate being at someone else's mercy.

That's exactly why submitting to bondage is so exhilarating. Not being able to move away when the whip comes - it's a high I can't adequately put into words. The thrill of ownership is just as exciting from the other side.

Back from my trip, will post more soon.

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06:39 pm

I feel: Frustrated

-*-*-

My son is an adult and needs to make his own mistakes, otherwise he will never learn. But it's killing me, not being able to tell him everything I know about his situation, not being able to help him in any way. Not being able to show his new love interest for what he is, a liar and a freak.

How far will you go to save your child from himself?

-*-*-

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06:41 pm

When my son was a little boy, he used to have nightmares. I wanted to hold him and make it all go away, but I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. Instead, I concentrated on removing obstacles from his every day life, and left night time for his mother. All I could tell him was "don't be afraid", and that wasn't helping.

When he was a bit older, still a child, he'd had his accident and, of course, the nightmares returned, in a different form. The trauma fuelled his fear. Again I left most of the caring to my wife, dealing with my own fear at having been so close to losing him.

After she died, he suffered from nightmares and there was no one there for him. His friends at boarding school were no replacement for a mother, the staff at home were not close enough to him. There was nothing I could do.

He still has nightmares to this day and I wish I knew how to fix this and how to tell him he has nothing to fear.

~Li

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06:43 pm

I feel: Defiant

I don't mind being considered evil. I just wonder what it is that makes people define evil. Is having a lot of money and being successful evil? Bill Gates is not evil for being rich, in my opinion, he's evil because his software is faulty and he chokes all competition that might bring better equipment to the users. Is it living your life with no regrets evil? So many people look back to feel guilty over things they cannot change.

My theory? They base their idea of good and evil on popular media values pumped full of the puritan version of Judeo-Christianity. Turn their backs on the real world to watch TV and consequently, they have nothing to do but shake their heads and say the real world is flawed and anyone who dares live his life in it is the devil incarnate because he refuses that value system.

~Li

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